Greetings, thoughts, and a story

[Chipmonk]

Greetings - Long-time reader but first-time poster, and I suppose I'm finally bothered enough to need some comments. Not over any one event in particular, but as a cumulative thing.

 

Short background: I'm 21, a senior in college, straight male. Never had a relationship, never made out, never been kissed, etc. This didn't really bother me until my sophomore year - before that, I really wasn't mentally in a state where I was open to a relationship, nor did I have the self-confidence to even try. That part of the past was me being stupid - I regret it, but completely accept it. Over the past few years I've asked out six people; there are several more I would have asked out had they not been in serious relationships. In hindsight, I accept that probably three of those would not have worked out, and a fourth really did have a boyfriend even though she was unwilling to admit it to herself. To describe how I feel now... frustrated. I feel like I've tried everything I can possibly try and am just rehashing the same tracks. A very typical story for this forum, I'm sure

 

What I'd actually like to do... is post snippets from other threads in here, with my thoughts and frustrations.

 

It sounds like she put a lot of thought into her decision and that she was interested at first, but them realized that you two weren't compatible.

This one really stings... if I ask someone out, I also put a lot of thought into my decision to ask her out, and I feel like she's announcing, "I'm right, you're wrong, case closed, no appeal". That's a load of bull, period. My best friends are all people I didn't really get along with well at first, people I was pretty sure I'd never get along with, but as I got to know them these friends became the people I really trusted - and add some disillusionment with some people I thought were friends but really didn't care at all. I am very offended at the suggestion that I should just walk away because She has Thought About It and Her Rule Is Law. But I don't see any other options.

 

I also don't like that a gal should say no so quickly. I made a rule for myself, that if ever I should find someone who was interested in me, I would at least go on one date with her before I made up my mind. And this has happened once, and I deeply wish the people I have asked out could be as courteous because I do believe in my ability to make a good impression person-to-person, and I don't believe these people have a good understanding of who I am just from hanging out with me amidst large groups of friends.

 

You have to distinguish between 'friends first' and 'just friends'. BIG difference.

Do you think this is a big deal - is this something I need to make very clear when I hear the "just friends" line? I believe the "just friends" like comes out so easily that when a gal uses it she's not really distinguishing between these two, and possibly other, opinions - she's using it as a brake and there's just not enough information to tell if she's braking to a full stop or just slowing down. Sometimes it does mean friends, that's okay - but does it always mean that, and how offensive is it for me to push her to make that distinction?

 

 

I will add something about a person on my mind right now. This began... well, I had been nursing a crush for a while but wasn't about to do anything about it - the reasons are complex, but let's just say that for me to push at all would have been plain wrong. Come the end of the quarter, she's out partying, gets very drunk (only time all quarter), comes back, and basically spends half the night (the latter half, actually) flirting with me in front of a few of my friends. I didn't let anything happen, same reasons as above, but over the holidays I got in touch and asked what it was all about - and mentioned that I was interested. Her response was the "great friend, not interested, I don't want a guy in my life" variety, and we realized that we are really good friends and that I wouldn't push anymore. In the two months since then we've gotten to be even better friends - she's become one of about three people I feel I could tell anything, and do! - and it's not uncommon for us to spend two or three or four hours just chatting over a weekend. It was her advice above all others - actually an irrelevant question that turned out to be very important - that led me to choose the job I'll have after I graduate. Quite a few people have asked if there's anything going on, which I flatly deny - there isn't. (And yes, I still wish there were). The whole time since then I've been looking around trying to find anyone else - unsuccessfully.

 

I'm torn. Part of me wants to push again, see if her opinion has changed - I don't think it has, but there seems to be a real (not great, but real) chance that it may have. I don't think this would offend her, but I do believe she wouldn't give me a third chance, ever. The other part of me acknowledges that I need to move on - the whole time, I would have been quite happy dating someone else and remaining her friend, except I couldn't find anyone else. But I'm not willing to let go - it's the only hope I have, and that hope is so valuable to me that I'd rather get my heart torn out watching her flirt (without intent - we HAVE talked!) with other guys than give up the one hope I do have. My thougths of the future? At some point she's going to realize that she does want a guy in her life - and I know her well enough to be sure that it's not a dislike for me, but rather a desire not to be attached at all - perhaps a desire not to be like her sister who is very attached to one person. I believe that when she does hit that point, when she realizes she does want to be in love, there's a very good chance she'll turn towards me. I don't believe that point is anytime soon, I shouldn't hope for it, but it's still the only hope I have.

 

The problem - well, this is the first person I've let know my feelings who hasn't freaked out and created a whole lot of distance (all the while professing friendship - but that bitterness is another story). The door is not slammed shut, and I'm having a hard time leaving it.

[westernxer]

Do you ever booze it or take drugs? That's what college is really about, and that's what the girls are after. Forget about monogamy or healthy relationships. That comes later, like in your thirties, the age when you start to settle down after landing a nice job with a bright future. Love is high school material. When you get to my age, 32, it becomes a security blanket (based on what I see from the people around me).

 

Seriously, you sound mature for your age, and naturally you will suffer because of it. Try to relax a little and smell the roses. Not saying you have to completely abandon your comfort zone... but you're going to find that friendships are hard to maintain as you get older. Start meeting other girls. Get involved in things you enjoy.

 

I don't know what else to say.