Being a Band Aid

[mikethemechanic]

Thank you for posting your viewpoint, I can relate to this as my MM has actually said this, he feels "trapped" in his M. He's not leaving because they have a child with special needs but he has said many times that if his W says to him one day that she wants out, he will gladly oblige. He has tried talking to her about an open marriage but she quickly nipped that in the bud.

 

 

I actually chuckled reading the first paragraph of your post, it would be nice if this was the reason in my case but

I'm definitely not a drop-dead gorgeous

 

well beauty is often determined by the press in the 50's it was curvy today the women look like extra terrestrials in the major magazines. I guess that I could say that I was a victim of the press.

girl (I wish though!) MM said he was drawn to me due to my personality and wit, he loves talking to me as I have drawn out a lot of what's on his mind and because I've never judged, he feels very comfortable talking about anything under the sun. Plus,

I "rock" his world sexually

.

 

you can't have sex with out communication the two would go hand in had.Pillow Talk: Communication Following Sex | Psychology Today

 

Sasha, I'm on the same boat as you, MM's W will never consider an open marriage, even though she has checked out probably a long time ago like MM, its the child that keeps them together. Her family doesn't do divorce so it doesn't look sunny from where I'm standing, and unlike your 10years, mine looks like forever as there is no telling if the child will ever be independent. I don't know how long we can keep this up so we take it a day at a time. I guess once you have separated or D from your H, your path will be clearer as to the length of time you are willing to dedicate yourself to a relationship that has no guarantee will have a happy ending. Please continue to post as I have been reading and re-reading this thread trying to figure out my own situation.

 

 

And thank you Mike, I have enjoyed reading your posts, you have also given me some stuff to think about.

 

Appears that you and om have a strong emotional connection that serves a purpose since we live in a fast paced interactive social world that can be quite unforgiving. At the most basic level, emotional connection forms the basis for how we give and receive the emotional support we all need.

 

Failure of the spouse to read and respond accordingly to their spouse's emotional cues can, over time, derail almost any relationship. Truly obvious that your spouse is as much as too blame for your philandering. Maybe had he watered the grass this might have never happened?

[mikethemechanic]

Locke is neglected sexually and emotionally by his wife.

I am abused mentally and financially by my husband

.

That's tragic!

 

We both get freedom from prison when we are together. Do we feel justified? Yes. Is it ok? Not if his kids suffer. He says he'll deal with that if we are discovered, but

he doesn't anticipate fall out from his wife

.

 

The question that we are dealing with today is REGRET! Let's GESTALT by thinking and looking for that one thing that explains the totality of the whole. What is it that would cause om to regret leaving his wife you?

[Sasha1/2]

What is it that would cause om to regret leaving his wife you?

I do think about this. The following things may lead to regret for Locke if he left his marriage prior to becoming an empty nester:

- less day-to-day interaction with his children; loss of influence

- on-going communication issues with the mother of his children

- a complicated family life that may make it more difficult to achieve his career goals

- financial loss that may make it more difficult to achieve his personal goals

- no increase in his overall happiness after divorce

- decrease in his children's happiness

 

His marriage is not high conflict like mine is. He is emotionally and sexually neglected, as confirmed by others who care about him and his marriage. I am meeting that need for him now.

 

My only regret for leaving my marriage may be financial. My marriage is high conflict and abusive. My husband refuses treatment and counselling.

Edited July 7, 2014 by Sasha1/2

[Sasha1/2]

Sasha, I'm on the same boat as you, MM's W will never consider an open marriage, even though she has checked out probably a long time ago like MM, its the child that keeps them together.

Hi Angel

 

MM has brought up the idea of an open marriage to me. He seems to think that his W would go for it since she 1-doesn't care what other people thinks, 2-is not traditional, and 3-is more concerned for the practical needs of the family than emotional ones. He likes that his W and I get along -- she's not a friend but we are friendly -- and that I have care and concern for their children. If MM's W would agree, I would not be opposed to taking a home near theirs when I am single. (I just had a scene from Sister Wives flash into my head, with the husband Cody running from one house to another looking for where he left his suit jacket.) I don't believe that MM has bounced this idea off of his W. If he remained married to Mrs. Locke, I think I might be the one who would be most uncomfortable with an nontraditional family arrangement. That said, I don't see myself making a commitment to her as a sister wife. I just believe that when kids are involved that everyone has to work hard to stay professional.

[jwi71]

Hi Angel

 

MM has brought up the idea of an open marriage to me. He seems to think that his W would go for it since she 1-doesn't care what other people thinks, 2-is not traditional, and 3-is more concerned for the practical needs of the family than emotional ones. He likes that his W and I get along -- she's not a friend but we are friendly -- and that I have care and concern for their children. If MM's W would agree, I would not be opposed to taking a home near theirs when I am single. (I just had a scene from Sister Wives flash into my head, with the husband Cody running from one house to another looking for where he left his suit jacket.) I don't believe that MM has bounced this idea off of his W. If he remained married to Mrs. Locke, I think I might be the one who would be most uncomfortable with an nontraditional family arrangement. That said, I don't see myself making a commitment to her as a sister wife. I just believe that when kids are involved that everyone has to work hard to stay professional.

 

Im confused as to your goal.

 

Are you looking to have him exclusively as "yours" in a "traditional" M?

Or are you looking to have him in your life in any capacity - including as the "special friend" (aka the 2nd wife so to speak).

 

Because, to me, the open M scenario simply guarantees that you are relegated to "special friend" forever - and never shall you have him as solely yours.

 

I wonder if this open M would allow him to have more than just you?

Maybe "wife" number three? Would that be ok?

[Sasha1/2]

Im confused as to your goal.

So am I. I got way more than I signed up for when I met Locke. I wanted sex. I got a best friend.

 

I do wish that Locke and I were free to be a couple, in the open, to discover if we could be happy "for real". We are nowhere near ready to think about marriage of any sort. I also wish I could eliminate the possibility of hurting MM or his kids.

 

Those wishes are in conflict with the fact that he might be the best man for me I've ever had the pleasure of being with romantically. Selfishly, I want to keep him, not let him go.

 

Or are you looking to have him in your life in any capacity - including as the "special friend" (aka the 2nd wife so to speak).

I'm not opposed to this.

 

I suppose my dilemma is a moral and cultural one.

Edited July 8, 2014 by Sasha1/2

[Sasha1/2]

When MM and I are apart I wrestle with feelings of guilt and sadness. I don't want to look back on my life with regrets. This is the first time I've been significantly deceitful and I don't like it. I didn't use to be a liar.

 

So much has happened to me in the past couple of years that is out of my control. I can't imagine aimlessly going with the flow of this relationship until someone else makes a decision that will alter the path of my life again.

 

If I ended the affair today, I could back away without hurting anyone and I'd be in control of what happens next for me.

[CarrieT]

So much has happened to me in the past couple of years that is out of my control.

Here is the thing: In regards to the affair, YOU have control.

 

You state that your marriage is abusive - then why are you staying in it?

[still_an_Angel]

Im confused as to your goal.

 

Are you looking to have him exclusively as "yours" in a "traditional" M?

Or are you looking to have him in your life in any capacity - including as the "special friend" (aka the 2nd wife so to speak).

 

Because, to me, the open M scenario simply guarantees that you are relegated to "special friend" forever - and never shall you have him as solely yours.

 

I wonder if this open M would allow him to have more than just you?

Maybe "wife" number three? Would that be ok?

 

 

 

In an open marriage or polyamory, one does not marry the third party anyway, the person stays married or committed to the primary partner and has a secondary partner (aka 2nd wife/husband) or possibly a third relationship.

I think it depends on what the OW/OM wants to achieve in the relationship, to eventually marry the AP or remain as a secondary partner. Its very interesting that Sasha has expressed that if she is single, and the W agreeable to MM having a secondary R, she won't mind moving to a place near MM. It seems this is an ideal scenario so all parties are happy. Question is if OP is content with this situation and how long can she keep up with this? The good thing about this is there is no more lies and betrayal, everyone is on the same page with regards to the roles that they play in each other's lives.

[Sasha1/2]

You state that your marriage is abusive - then why are you staying in it?

If I separate too soon, I may lose my home. I am being advised by a lawyer and am in counselling. I am choosing to save my home/investment rather than my sanity, although I have had moments when I've thought that living out of a camper in a parking lot might bring me more happiness than my house.

[mikethemechanic]

When MM and I are apart I wrestle with feelings of guilt and sadness. I don't want to look back on my life with regrets. This is the first time I've been significantly deceitful and I don't like it. I didn't use to be a liar.

 

So much has happened to me in the past couple of years that is out of my control. I can't imagine aimlessly going with the flow of this relationship until someone else makes a decision that will alter the path of my life again.

 

If I ended the affair today, I could back away without hurting anyone and I'd be in control of what happens next for me.

 

10 facts about infidelity | ideas.ted.com

 

we are built to love more than one person, to me monogamy is like being a vegetarian. No mater how much we condemn it won't change your emotional chemistry for the om.The question of the day is why leave your spouse if he's a good provider? I ask that before we attack sasha please read the article!

[Sasha1/2]

why leave your spouse if he's a good provider?

I have been the provider until recently and would like to minimize the possibility of paying spousal support. I don't make much, hence the notion of living in an RV behind my office.

[mikethemechanic]

I have been the provider until recently and would like to

minimize the possibility of paying spousal support

. I don't make much, hence the notion of living in an RV behind my office.

 

would your spouse be so cruel as too make you pay spousal support?

[CarrieT]

If I separate too soon, I may lose my home. I am being advised by a lawyer and am in counselling. I am choosing to save my home/investment rather than my sanity, although I have had moments when I've thought that living out of a camper in a parking lot might bring me more happiness than my house.

 

Is there a timeline when this might be able to occur?

 

I was like you to some extent; I was in an abusive relationship (the ending of which brought me to LS all those years ago) which entailed earning LOTS of money. For a long time, I stayed in the relationship because of the financial security.

 

There comes a point where one realizes that "it is just stuff" and one's sanity *IS* more valuable than all the things. Only you can decide when that point is or how valuable the stuff is to you.

 

For me, I went from an $80k a month income to nothing for the sake of my sanity. In the process, I was alone for a long time, dated horribly, and - eight years later - found, met, and married Prince Charming. He frequently apologizes that he can't give me the things I was able to get from my Ex. But what I have been given is far more valuable.

 

Only you can decide what is more valuable to you; the home/money or sanity.

[Sasha1/2]

would your spouse be so cruel as too make you pay spousal support?

That is the threat.

 

Legally, he would be entitled to my support if he wasn't employed. His job security and his health are both shaky right now so I am proceeding with caution.

 

Is there a timeline when this might be able to occur?

I am waiting for his contract to be extended for a year. Then we may separate.

 

There comes a point where one realizes that "it is just stuff" and one's sanity *IS* more valuable than all the things. Only you can decide when that point is or how valuable the stuff is to you.

Thank you for posting, Carrie. I have always been one paycheque away from welfare as an adult. My career is very important to me, but I certainly don't do it for the money, if you know what I mean. I will never make $80,000 in a year. If I was just thinking of myself, I would be quicker to park my truck and camper behind my office building and move my cat and I into it, however my college-age children have endured a lot recently and its my preference to keep a home that they can return to need be.

 

Now that I say it, though, there's no reason why my kids and I couldn't pool our resources and rent a place if necessary or stay with a friend. You're right. Its just stuff. It isn't even nice stuff. LOL

 

MM assures me that I will not end up on the streets when I leave my H. I just don't think I could handle another big stress right now, so I've been taking baby steps. I've been packing under the guise of de-cluttering and down-sizing. Half of our essentials -- and all of my special keepsakes and valuables -- are being boxed up and hidden in my office instead of going to the thrift store donation bin.

[mikethemechanic]

That is the threat

.

no... just saying that it would be cold hearted to do that to you.

Legally, he would be entitled to my support if he wasn't employed. His job security and his health are both shaky right now so I am proceeding with caution.

 

 

I am waiting for his contract to be extended for a year. Then we may separate.

 

 

Thank you for posting, Carrie. I have always been one paycheque away from welfare as an adult. My career is very important to me, but I certainly don't do it for the money, if you know what I mean. I will never make $80,000 in a year. If I was just thinking of myself, I would be quicker to park my truck and camper behind my office building and move my cat and I into it, however my college-age children have endured a lot recently and its my preference to keep a home that they can return to need be.

 

Now that I say it, though, there's no reason why my kids and I couldn't pool our resources and rent a place if necessary or stay with a friend. You're right. Its just stuff. It isn't even nice stuff. LOL

 

MM assures me that I will not end up on the streets when I leave my H. I just don't think I could handle another big stress right now,

so I've been taking baby steps.

I've been packing under the guise of de-cluttering and down-sizing. Half of our essentials -- and all of my special keepsakes and valuables -- are being boxed up and hidden in my office instead of going to the thrift store donation bin.

 

well Sasha H did this too himself when he abused you lets hope he can learn from it.

[Sasha1/2]

Locke is away on summer vacation with his family. I've used this time to try to tone down our communications. I put my friend hat on when I reply to his texts, sending "hugs" instead of "kisses". He's still making time for me while he's gone. This is hard. I do believe, however, he will be kind, respectful, and agreeable when I tell him I want to be just friends and keep all aspects of our relationship public.

[CarrieT]

I want to be just friends and keep all aspects of our relationship public.

 

Many, many of us who have been in your shoes will advise that a friendship is never possible while there are still romantic feelings involved.

 

Friendships ARE possible after-the-fact, but usually after MUCH time has passed and all those romantics inclinations are 100% extinguished.

[Sasha1/2]

MM and I chatted online last night. We seem to be on the same page and struggling with having a relationship that is morally wrong but that meets our needs very well. I have said emphatically that I will not go looking for a relationship like this again. It eats me up to think of hurting BW or their kids. MM doesn't want any backlash on the kids, but he isn't very empathetic to her. He believes he is meeting her needs for a partner for raising the kids and running the house. She wants nothing else from him, no affection or sex. She has refused to talk -- in or out of counselling -- about meeting his needs for the same. He feels his relationship with me is justified. He doubts he will be regretful on DD. He is happy.

 

I'm recalling an evening the four of us (BW, MM, H and I) socialized together, initiated by BW. BW commented that she likes hanging out with us because they are both happier with me around. She wants to socialize with me without the men, too. She and I do have much in common; we all acknowledge that.

 

After last night's conversation I don't know that I want to work on being just a friend with Locke.

[Sasha1/2]

AmyBamy wrote this on another thread,

 

Don't be the band-aid for his marriage. Often times, when you stop being the band-aid, the marriage falls apart pretty quickly. If it doesn't, then at least you are in a better spot and can find someone that is willing to give you what you want, which is a full time relationship, not an affair.

 

 

MM and I understand that our A is a bandaid for him. His children are very young; he and his wife run the household like a successful business. Our A exists to meet emotional needs that she refuses to meet for him. If not for our A, MM would likely divorce and the kids would see less of their terrific dad.

 

Is being a band aid bad if the family stays together as a result? The W is friendly with me and says MM is happier with me around. Are we open and honest about the A? No. No one talks about it. We're discreet. Are we open about our friendship? Yes.

[Goodbye]

AmyBamy wrote this on another thread,

 

 

 

 

MM and I understand that our A is a bandaid for him. His children are very young; he and his wife run the household like a successful business. Our A exists to meet emotional needs that she refuses to meet for him. If not for our A, MM would likely divorce and the kids would see less of their terrific dad.

 

Is being a band aid bad if the family stays together as a result? The W is friendly with me and says MM is happier with me around. Are we open and honest about the A? No. No one talks about it. We're discreet. Are we open about our friendship? Yes.

 

 

 

 

What exactly does the wife think you are to her husband?

[2sunny]

AmyBamy wrote this on another thread,

 

 

 

 

MM and I understand that our A is a bandaid for him. His children are very young; he and his wife run the household like a successful business. Our A exists to meet emotional needs that she refuses to meet for him. If not for our A, MM would likely divorce and the kids would see less of their terrific dad.

 

Is being a band aid bad if the family stays together as a result? The W is friendly with me and says MM is happier with me around. Are we open and honest about the A? No. No one talks about it. We're discreet. Are we open about our friendship? Yes.

 

Being a bandaid may help him. But what does it do to benefit your life, your future and your security?

[AmyBamy]

AmyBamy wrote this on another thread,

 

 

 

 

MM and I understand that our A is a bandaid for him. His children are very young; he and his wife run the household like a successful business. Our A exists to meet emotional needs that she refuses to meet for him. If not for our A, MM would likely divorce and the kids would see less of their terrific dad.

 

Is being a band aid bad if the family stays together as a result? The W is friendly with me and says MM is happier with me around. Are we open and honest about the A? No. No one talks about it. We're discreet. Are we open about our friendship? Yes.

 

I don't think it's bad, as long as you are aware that is what you are doing - keeping their marriage together. When young children are involved, it can be a good thing for them to have both parents in the house. Of course, it can be a bad thing too if they are hostile with one another - even if not "in front of" the kids, the kids will pick up on it.

 

My exMM's biggest fear was that he would not see his children every day. He did not want to give that up, not even for his own happiness. Those little moments, in the mornings when they wake up, going to bed at night under the same roof with them, knowing that they were in their beds, safe and sound - that was what he wanted to keep. But knew that if he and his wife divorced, he would only be getting that, at most, 50% of the time, and probably less since he isn't their mother. (that worked out differently thanks to their mother's behaviors, but he couldn't have predicted that at all).

 

So, there are pros and cons either way you go. Many here will say that it's wrong to stay married and have an affair. That the person who is being neglected has the responsibility to either stay unhappily or divorce. I disagree. I think it should be on the person that doesn't want to be in the marriage initially - and they show that by not being there emotionally or physically - but just expect their spouse to stay and suck it up, you know, "for the marriage". So, when the person being neglected (abused even most likely) takes it upon themselves to try to keep what they want of the marital relationship (the things they should have just as much right to as the other person, the children, the house, the families, etc.) by having an affair - so that they can have some tiny bit of emotional and physical happiness in this world, those with the pitch forks come out!

 

So, if you are okay with being a band aid, and knowing that, then who is anyone else to tell you how to live your life? You are well aware of what is happening and have all the information you need to make a decision. If his wife doesn't get the same consideration from him, that is on him and her, not you. Some affairs go on for years and years and the WS will often say that the affair is the only thing that gave them any happiness and any ability to keep going. You will often hear the BS's say that the WSs were much happier during those times (of the affair), and kids will often notice this too with their Wayward parent.

[Hope Shimmers]

I hope you won't take a statement written by one person (and one person's experience) as gold.

 

Not considering the morality issues of an A, the real issue here is that it seems like YOU are giving up pieces of yourself in order to meet his 'needs' of being a band-aid. Is that what is best for YOU?

 

It's YOUR life. You decide if that's how you want to live it.

[MissBee]

My thoughts are:

 

It's not your job to keep the MM's life and family in tact, especially if it is at your own expense. Unless you think of it as some weird kind of charity or humanitarian effort on your part...

 

Otherwise, yes it is bad to be in the position of a band-aid in a relationship. A relationship shouldn't be that at all. Foremost, no one promised life would be easy for ANYONE. EVERYONE has problems, it's about how you choose to deal with them that says a lot about you. If a MM's marriage is bad it's his deal to fix and handle, not yours and not at your expense either. Further, in the long run, would you really feel comfortable with a man who looks for bandaids and short term solutions instead of truly handing his problems? The problem is that if you acknowledge you're a bandaid but don't demand anything else, you've set a pretty bad precedent and if you do end up with MM, for me anyway, I would find it hard to see how he would miraculously change his bandaid seeking behavior in our relationship....chances are he would not esp since as his OW I was quite fine with being a bandaid.

 

If you see being an OW as something helpful, at least let it be that you have encouraged the MM to be honest or to tackle his problems head on. THAT is a more useful position in my mind than allowing him to avoid his issues and just keep on keeping on because he has the soothing salve of the A. Again, unless you are in some kind of religion where you have vowed to relinquish your own happiness in order to provide emotional and sexual relief to married men and to keep their families in tact, then no, I can't see how it isn't a bad thing for an OW to be a bandaid esp if you're a bandaid who is inlove.

Edited July 19, 2014 by MissBee