Being a Band Aid

[2sunny]

I have decided to be a friend of XMM's family. They all like me and my H. The truth is, XMM wasn't exaggerating about how terribly BW treats him. She's a *itch. She has started confiding that she's been miserable since her second child arrived. I've suggested talking to her doctor and seeing a counsellor.

 

Good God say it isn't so.

 

Mind your own marriage and quit putting your so called "friendship" into the middle of their M! You've screwed her husband! You are the last person in the world that should be pretending to be her friend!

 

Talk about MORE betrayal - just stop it.

 

You can't be a friend to them when you've been the one ruining their marriage.

[Sasha1/2]

You are the last person in the world that should be pretending to be her friend!

Point taken. Thank you.

 

But, seriously, my husband is abusive. She abuses and neglects her spouse. I think our marriages were ruined already? Or is abuse and neglect not the end of a marriage? Adultery is worse? Really?

[Shadowburn]

Point taken. Thank you.

 

But, seriously, my husband is abusive. She abuses and neglects her spouse. I think our marriages were ruined already? Or is abuse and neglect not the end of a marriage? Adultery is worse? Really?

 

Sasha, please stop being band aid, third wheel or whatever accessory you are to someone else's life and marriage. Even if his wife is abusive, that's his problem to deal with. Stop inserting yourself into their family. You have you own life and husband to deal with, instead of trying to fix someone else's dysfunction, your energy would be better spent on yourself.

 

Remember, you are important. If your marriage is beyond salvation, get divorce and find someone who'd treat you right. Both of there men so far are failing you terribly.

[Bittersweetie]

But, seriously, my husband is abusive. She abuses and neglects her spouse. I think our marriages were ruined already? Or is abuse and neglect not the end of a marriage? Adultery is worse? Really?

 

Sasha,

 

If you read these boards, there are many threads debating if infidelity is worse than abuse, and vice versa. Whether abuse justifies infidelity. There is no need to start a debate on whether you were justified in your choices. That is no longer the issue.

 

The issue now is you. You need to take care of yourself. There is no need for you to be involved in xMM's marriage or life, no matter how his wife may treat him. You need to decide how you are moving forward for yourself, and what path will take you to a healthy place, in regards to your marriage and life.

 

Good luck,

BSW

[Sasha1/2]

I've done what others think I should do for all of my life. I've cared about others' opinions. I honestly believe that by eliminating this man from my life entirely that I may be missing out on one of my life's great friendships. I'm not prepared to loose this one piece of happiness.

[beach]

I've done what others think I should do for all of my life. I've cared about others' opinions. I honestly believe that by eliminating this man from my life entirely that I may be missing out on one of my life's great friendships. I'm not prepared to loose this one piece of happiness.

 

Are you saying that the affair is back on again?

[snappytomcat]

please sasha open your eyes this man is not your friend,hes just using you,and you deserve better

[KaliLove]

Point taken. Thank you.

 

But, seriously, my husband is abusive. She abuses and neglects her spouse. I think our marriages were ruined already? Or is abuse and neglect not the end of a marriage? Adultery is worse? Really?

 

If abuse and neglect should be the end of a marriage..then why have you and MM not ended your marriages?

 

Nobody is saying that adultery is worse than abuse, but there's no reason why you and MM should stay in abusive marriages before starting a relationship (if that's what you want). 2 wrongs do not make a right.

[stillafool]

 

We have many things in common, personally and professionally. We see do

business together legitimately and see each other at community events. My

husband and I socialize with Locke’s family. His wife likes me and has suggested

we do things together without the men and kids.

 

 

Do you ever feel guilty pretending to be this womans friend when you are screwing her husband behind her back? I don't understand how you can face her knowing what you are to their marriage. If you have to have an affair that's up to you but do you have to be in the BSs face while doing it?

[Sasha1/2]

Do you ever feel guilty pretending to be this womans friend when you are screwing her husband behind her back?

I did feel guilty and that is why I ended the affair. I value their friendship over the affair.

 

Are you saying that the affair is back on again?

No. All of our contact is in the open, as friends. Even if we text each other we tell our Ss that we are chatting with each other.

 

If abuse and neglect should be the end of a marriage..then why have you and MM not ended your marriages?

Lawyers told me that my H could fight for and win the house and spousal support if I left. I don't make much money. He has been chronically unemployed for most of our marriage for physical and mental health reasons. I have been the provider and may have to continue supporting him.

Edited August 13, 2014 by Sasha1/2

[2sunny]

I did feel guilty and that is why I ended the affair. I value their friendship over the affair.

 

 

No. All of our contact is in the open, as friends. Even if we text each other we tell our Ss that we are chatting with each other.

 

 

Lawyers told me that my H could fight for and win the house and spousal support if I left. I don't make much money. He has been chronically unemployed for most of our marriage for physical and mental health reasons. I have been the provider and may have to continue supporting him.

 

But you support him now right?

 

So what's the difference? Except... You'd be single.

[Sasha1/2]

My H is hell bent on ensuring that if I divorce him that I will loose everything. Our house is for sale. I'm trying not to rock the boat until that is done.

[beach]

My H is hell bent on ensuring that if I divorce him that I will loose everything. Our house is for sale. I'm trying not to rock the boat until that is done.

 

Check with an attorney.

 

He may not be able to get as much as he assumes should you divorce.

 

How much have you mingled assets? Is anything separate(in your name only)?

[Sasha1/2]

I have checked with two different lawyers.

 

Here it doesn't matter whose name the assets are in.

 

I am documenting his abuse and I have a bug out plan for if he becomes physical or when I cannot take the mental abuse anymore.

 

 

[Owl]

I have checked with two different lawyers.

 

Here it doesn't matter whose name the assets are in.

 

I am documenting his abuse and I have a bug out plan for if he becomes physical or when I cannot take the mental abuse anymore.

 

 

 

Why wait?

 

If you're that unhappy...why are you staying with him at all?

[No Limit]

I've done what others think I should do for all of my life. I've cared about others' opinions. I honestly believe that by eliminating this man from my life entirely that I may be missing out on one of my life's great friendships. I'm not prepared to loose this one piece of happiness.

 

And now that you're finally getting good advice you decide to ignore it because it's just that much easier. And sorry, but if an affair with a married man is the best relationship of your life... I think you ought to start from scratch. A full 180, even though they usually recommend those to the betrayed spouses.

[Sasha1/2]

Why wait? If you're that unhappy...why are you staying with him at all?

I have nowhere to go, no family or close friends here. I cannot afford to pay rent and the mortgage.

 

And now that you're finally getting good advice you decide to ignore it because it's just that much easier.

I've endured unbelievable loss. I'm trying to hold myself together. All the experts keep saying, "I can't believe you're still standing." I'm not sure I will stay on my feet if I have to go through one more crisis like a nasty divorce or becoming homeless.

[goodyblue]

There are ways out. Shelters, etc. Fact is, you do not want to go and that is your choice. But stay away from his family. There are things that should not be do e and this is one of them. I have no respect for your MM and his lack of boundaries.

[curiousGeorge2]

The advices have been all over the place. Those offered by bs are certainly different from those by others.

Mine is simple: if both of you are happy and honest with each other, why not continue or let it run its course.

[curiousGeorge2]

Didn't read the affair has ended.

Op do you have co-dependence issues? You have a so with a long sickness.

[Sasha1/2]

L and I communicate together, support each other emotionally, and respect each other in ways I've not experiencd before even with female friends or family. Perhaps because we knew we were both needy. We were very vulnerable and honest with each other from the beginning.

 

His W and my H are aware of our friendship. We are open about it and never spend time alone together anymore. Really, it's not even an emotional affair. I've asked for more on occasion from L. He says no. I'm frustrated that my needs aren't met by anyone now, but I love him for the respect he has for my decision. He's not looking for another AP. He is reinvesting in his family and his career now, although if his marriage stays sexless I know he may look again later. I hope I can handle that.

 

I seem to understand the communication issues between L and his W. I've kicked his butt figuratively when he's making a dumb choice. I stand up for him when his W is too stubborn.

 

He keeps me on track regarding my separation and safety.

 

I may never love like that again. I'm doing my best to cherish the memories. Honestly... Its like we're different people now. I forget what his touch feels like.

 

I'm doing my best not to return to my marriage either. Yes, its possible I'm codependent.

[purplesorrow]

L and I communicate together, support each other emotionally, and respect each other in ways I've not experiencd before even with female friends or family. Perhaps because we knew we were both needy. We were very vulnerable and honest with each other from the beginning.

 

His W and my H are aware of our friendship. We are open about it and never spend time alone together anymore. Really, it's not even an emotional affair. I've asked for more on occasion from L. He says no. I'm frustrated that my needs aren't met by anyone now, but I love him for the respect he has for my decision. He's not looking for another AP. He is reinvesting in his family and his career now, although if his marriage stays sexless I know he may look again later. I hope I can handle that.

 

I seem to understand the communication issues between L and his W. I've kicked his butt figuratively when he's making a dumb choice. I stand up for him when his W is too stubborn.

 

He keeps me on track regarding my separation and safety.

 

I may never love like that again. I'm doing my best to cherish the memories. Honestly... Its like we're different people now. I forget what his touch feels like.

 

I'm doing my best not to return to my marriage either. Yes, its possible I'm codependent.

 

You're still in an ea with this guy. Why are you spending time trying to referee their marriage? You need to learn to keep yourself on track, that's not his job. I hope you find your peace.

[Sasha1/2]

We both come from really close extended families where refereeing each other is what we do. We've both moved away from our families, geographically, and with the grieving my family is doing we're just all in different emotional places. I know he's a rescuer. Usually I am the one wearing a cape. It feels good to have someone care for me.

[FusionCutter]

We both come from really close extended families where refereeing each other is what we do. We've both moved away from our families, geographically, and with the grieving my family is doing we're just all in different emotional places. I know he's a rescuer. Usually I am the one wearing a cape. It feels good to have someone care for me.

 

Hi Sasha, how are you feeling today at this point in time about the whole situation? Are you happy, miserable, etc?

 

Do you have any desire to change the situation? What exactly are your feelings towards this Locke dude today?

[Sasha1/2]

Hi FusionCutter. Thanks for your questions. I do need to "talk". I've read the thread you started in August and it seems our situations are somewhat similar.

 

This is going to look weird after I write it. I am not as happy as I was when Locke and I were lovers; everything that happened in our bubble was right for us. However, I am relieved that there is far less risk of his children being harmed now because I'm just a family friend.

 

I will not push for more than friendship from Locke. We don't even go for lunch anymore without inviting his wife along.

 

We've known each other for over a year now. Time has revealed some things. I've had "a-ha moments" about him and his marriage that are finally starting to make sense. Some of it confirms what he tells me about his wife. Some of it confirms reasons why she resents him. I continue to appreciate his honesty with me and I do challenge him about things he says or does that I think are wrong; friends do that.

 

Will I change my marriage situation? Yes. I'm in an in-house separation now and it is soooo much better for me. Its taken months but I have freedom of movement and financial choices that I didn't have before. I'm not separated and divorcing for Locke.

 

My feelings for Locke, exactly?

 

Our fantasy world was perfect.

 

Our reality is that neither one of us is perfect and we’ve both done things to damage our past and present relationships.

 

We joke – privately – that he will be my fourth husband. I’m married to my second now. Both of my marriages lasted about 10 years. I say I’ll have a third husband and then come looking for him when that one ends, too. I’m working on what I contribute to my broken relationships.

 

How do I FEEL? Like I want to run away with him and hide in a fantasy bubble until we have our first fight. What do I THINK? I know my feelings are not entirely based on reality, I know his family is and should be more important than me, I know it is unlikely that we’ll ever have anything more than a friendship, and I know that, in time, one of us will lose feelings for the other. He’ll probably give up on me before I give up on him; that’s just how it usually works for the two of us as individuals.

 

I cannot see a way in which both families can be happy and that Locke and I could be together. That would require him telling his W that he wants to be with me and from what I know of her that would not go over well. She’s a traditional woman -- who doesn’t feel like having sex -- and would resent her husband even more if she knew he planned to leave her for anyone else.

Edited October 28, 2014 by Sasha1/2