Lemma Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 I thought I'd start by just giving a bit of background on the relationship: We're both 21. Over the last year and a half, I've been in an on-and-off relationship with a girl I've known since elementary school. I've always seen her as a very nice, fun, and trustworthy person. Unfortunately, she had a rough childhood and some unhealthy/abusive relationships through her teens (ie. going out with some "less-than-reputable" guys who she thought she could "fix"). As a result, she has some apparent anxieties and trust/commitment issues. Anyway, since we started going out, she is usually really nice as always, and I do my best to always make her happy and show her I'm there for her. But she has a tendency to get annoyed very easily, and sometimes this leads to her breaking up with me (but she always comes back a month later apologizing, hence the "on-and-off"). So I feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot. Moving on to current events: About 2 weeks ago, everything seemed to be going fine between us. I did notice that she was texting more than usual, but I just guessed it was her girl friends or family. On that Friday, we made plans to hang out on Sunday. On Sunday morning I text her "Good morning!". She responds saying "Morning, I'm sorry I can't hang out today". I didn't think much of it, but I asked her about it the next day, and she told me she thought the plan was off because she thought for some reason that I had plans with my friend. This seemed odd, since I hadn't talked to her since we made the plans on Friday, as well as her text response indicated that she knew we were supposed to hang out. Later on, I casually looked at her Facebook page, and I noticed she added two guys that didn't have any obvious connection to her. So, on a hunch, I reverse-searched some of their pictures, and it turned out they both have active profiles on a dating site. So, I searched the dating site, and as it turns out, she has an active profile too. But the thing that concerned me the most was that she had to have recently updated the profile, because she had added photos that were only taken within the last couple weeks. The problem is that although she went through the trouble of updating her pictures, her profile lists her as single and looking for a relationship. I knew something had to be up, so the next time she came over, I sat down next to her, and tried to calmly ask her about the profile, without accusing her of anything. Without saying anything, she just got an angry look, stood up, and started packing up her things. I pressed the question, and she told me she was just looking for friends. Then she tried to deflect the situation onto me by accusing me of not trusting her and thinking that she's cheating. So I asked her why she updated her photos but not her relationship status. She didn't even have an answer. After that, she went out the door with some of her stuff. A minute later, I get a text from her saying "Can you let me back in to grab the rest of my things? I'm not breaking up with you, I just need to go home". So, I let her back in to grab all her stuff, with neither of us saying anything. It's been a week since then, and neither of us has contacted each other. I've never known her to be untrustworthy, but her actions aren't adding up with her words, and she's not even trying to reassure me. How likely is it that she isn't just "looking for friends"? And what should my next move be? Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted July 18, 2014 Share Posted July 18, 2014 lol yeah right. she's 21 not 51. She should have no shortage of social connections to meet new people without going online. There are still a number of activity/interest based social networking sites to meet people on rather than go on a dating site. A dating site where people are looking to date/hookup. She was angry because you busted the bytch good. Got angry and started packing her things likely hoping you were going to cave in quick and apologize for snooping & doubting her and stop her leaving. She's not breaking up with you, but you should with her. This week of no contact, I bet she been in plenty of contact with those 2 new dudes and if it looks like one of them will stick around after sex, she'll be dumping you then I'd say. "she's not even trying to reassure me" - since the jig is up and she has a couple of good prospects to jump into. Nice bit of detective work OP. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 Lemma are you a math major? Interesting user name. Anyway, you need to move on completely from this girl. She has been toxic to you for a while and she was cheating on you. Even if she was only "looking for friends" (she was not), I can't see how she could possibly be respecting you by looking for *male* friends behind your back. Her reaction when you called her out on it--trying to put it back on you (called "gaslighting") is very typical. Basically she knows what she is doing is just wrong and she is trying to assuage her guilt by trying to put it back on you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 What should you do? You should end the relationship. She's obviously already checked out and is actively looking for someone else. That dating profile isn't to find friends and you know it. You're in denial here, OP. She's a cheater. Find someone who loves you enough to stay faithful to you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 Smart guy. Confident guy. And 21? You're worth any woman's time. Forget this little girl. There's someone out there who will appreciate you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted July 19, 2014 Share Posted July 19, 2014 You should pat yourself on the back for dodging a bullet. Unfortunately you seem to be confusing who this girl is with who you think she is and want her to be. She might be a nice enough person in general, but based on what you've said she is CLEARLY not relationship material and most likely never was. You should consider yourself lucky and cut your losses before this girl starts bringing you down to her level mentally. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lemma Posted July 19, 2014 Author Share Posted July 19, 2014 Thank you everyone, I really appreciate all the responses! Now I'm surer than ever that she's not who I thought she was, and that she must be doing something behind my back. So, just like you all suggested, I'm going to break things off with this toxic girl first thing tomorrow, so she doesn't get another chance to hurt me. @Imajerk17 I'm a comp sci major and math minor. Thanks for noticing my name 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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