Female blogger is "single by choice"

[irc333]

Saw this recent post through a friend of a friend on a social media site, mid-30's singles chick that talks about her trials and tribulations of being an over 30 single woman.

 

I am noticing a pattern with these "empowered" single, working women that seem to be an advocate of the "I'm a woman, hear me roar" movement of the 60s, but not entirely as intense as it used to, but more implied.

 

The female, married friend I found on Facebook is a former high school friend/acquaintance, and seems to follow and also blogs about the whole "female issues" thing.

 

She's actually a former CIA agent (linguistics as she follows the Arabic language) and currently married. She apparently blogs, too, and also follows the said SINGLE blogger.

 

Apparently she's a "former" corporate working girl that now...is looking to settle down into some kind of long term relationship, though it does appear that she's still single and unattached and attributes her situation as being "single by choice".

 

Though, I've seen this cliche'd phrased uttered millions of times by single people to make themselves feel better about being single, it does make me think of it as a "cover up" of sorts to help them get over being alone.

 

For instance, the blog post introduces her "you're a middle aged single woman with no boyfriend, what is wrong with you" when a man she goes out on a date her with asks her that very question, though he doesn't say, "What's wrong with you?", it's implied obviously only because it is asked.

 

Not sure if him simply asking her this question was the deal breaker in continuing ot see him again as if he had some kind of nerve to be asking her at all, but she does mention that he too has also been asked the same question.

 

As you can see from her picture, she's very pretty, in good shape, healthy, has a decent job and a good amount going for her.

 

Though she doesn't elaborate about her criteria, though she's a Christian woman involved in ministries, she doesn't talk about her criteria in what she seeks nor discusses the "first date" she had with a man and never pointed out why it was ONLY a first date.

 

It kind of makes you wonder why.

 

Anyhow, I've seen my share of women who finally grow weary of the corporate world only to focus more on finding that "special someone", but some may feel it a crutch at this point in their life as it seems it's mostly women that deliberately keep themselves single by simply refusing dating opportunities from men.

 

Can anyone elaborate as to why some single women tend to rationalize or mask their reasons with "I'm single by choice"?

[anne1707]

Seems to me she explains quite well what she means as "single by choice" and it sounds healthy to me. She does not want to marry unless she feels that this is the one for her. It must be frustrating for her to come across men who think there is something wrong with that choice or who think she is using it just as a cover-up for what they think she really feels. I suspect she knows herself way better than somebody on the internet reading her blog.

[Bruce Leigh]

To be fair to her, she was married at 22, so she does know the ideal outcome of meeting that special person is to be married. But that marriage wasn't ideal from what she had written.

But i imagine that she displays stereotypical male characteristics that are required to be successful in the business world.

She was even doing this in the 6th grade, albeit on a Career Day.

Most men do not want these characteristics in their "other half".

Its a trend that will continue to grow and grow with more women becoming successful in the business world.

There is a thread on here about some female police officer who displays the typical male characteristics. And has found it hard to find someone.

And advice from a woman on here was to suggest that she makes her more feminine characteristics prominent whilst toning down her stereotypical male ones.

[preraph]

She has had better things to do. She had a dream job and is in control of her life. She has decided domesticity isn't her goal. She may now be thinking she needs to have a child or something. Or she may just feel like now she has nothing better to do than try out a domestic arrangement.

 

I pursued my dream career and succeeded and wouldn't have let anyone derail that. And once you're in control of your life and got everything the way you want it, compromising with someone on a daily basis just doesn't sound that great. You know, a lot of guys somehow find women who will just fit into their plan because there's a lot of women out there whose dream is just to be a SAHM, and that's fine, but the opposite isn't true for women. A woman who's accomplished a bunch likely wouldn't have much use for a man willing to just do her bidding to make her life path clearer.

 

I had romance but avoided domestic stuff. I became more domestic feeling after my career in my late forties, enjoyed being at home with my pets, but it didn't make me want to run out and get a man, necessarily. Once you're very independent, unless you're a person who just really is so very social and needs a constant companion, having someone else around can just complicate things and seem like a compromise.

 

My guess is because of her timing here, she has decided to maybe have a kid, but whether she does that the conventional way will probably depend on whether she feels she's having to give up too much for it or gets lucky and finds a good fit.

[jay1983]

She comes off as very self absorbed.

[SpiralOut]

 

Though she doesn't elaborate about her criteria, though she's a Christian woman involved in ministries, she doesn't talk about her criteria in what she seeks nor discusses the "first date" she had with a man and never pointed out why it was ONLY a first date.

 

It kind of makes you wonder why.

 

 

She probably feels it is nobody's business, especially since she knows the man she dated reads her blog. It must not be very nice to read someone's blog and to see a large paragraph detailing what you did wrong on the date. I think it is very smart of her to ignore those questions in the comment section. I wouldn't respond to them either.

 

I wonder if her blog statistics are telling her that her site was linked up to Loveshack and people on here are talking about her. Most blog statistics can show you which sites people clicked through to get to your site. There is a good chance that she will find this thread and read it. If I were her and I saw this, I would not feel very happy.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Seems to me she explains quite well what she means as "single by choice" and it sounds healthy to me. She does not want to marry unless she feels that this is the one for her. It must be frustrating for her to come across men who think there is something wrong with that choice or who think she is using it just as a cover-up for what they think she really feels. I suspect she knows herself way better than somebody on the internet reading her blog.

 

This. And I 100% agree with her and feel the same way.

 

It's not that I don't want a relationship, it's just that I don't want a relationship with someone unless I feel "this is it!". I am not the type that dreamt about getting married or longs for domestic life - so it's not even that hard. If it happens, great. If not - I can't complain. It's also not something that I am faking or telling myself or others to make myself feel better. I feel this with every core of my being.

[organizedchaos]

Can anyone elaborate as to why some single women tend to rationalize or mask their reasons with "I'm single by choice"?

 

It doesn't matter. There are other things more important than someone else's preferences.

[BlueIris]

Seems to me she explains quite well what she means as "single by choice" and it sounds healthy to me. She does not want to marry unless she feels that this is the one for her. It must be frustrating for her to come across men who think there is something wrong with that choice or who think she is using it just as a cover-up for what they think she really feels. I suspect she knows herself way better than somebody on the internet reading her blog.

 

I'd bet that's it.

 

If you really think about it, there's something strange going on with someone who assumes they know you better than you know yourself. It’s funny, absurd, the more you think about it: “Oh yes, you really do… love Brussel Sprouts, want to live in Malaysia, want to bungee jump, like that movie, want a pet kangaroo, whatever… I know that’s what you really want/think/feel!” There's something not right there...

[preraph]

Having a man and marrying him are two different things.

[jay1983]

In the comment section there're a couple of comments asking about the guy she was on a date with. Just asking why she won't see him again and if she has a certain criteria. She completely ignored them and answered the questions she liked better.

[carhill]

It appears the blogger was married at 22 and has been divorced nine years and apparently ran into a gentleman who was curious about those eight years on the first date, ostensibly (no way of verifying) repeating something he had heard from a friend (not bad, as a social hack). She, apparently, has focused on her career and personal pursuits, like ministry/religion. Her blog from 2012 focusing on her multi-month trip to Dubai underscores the focus on business/career.

 

I can't speak for her demographic but in mine she'd certainly be single by choice, whether that choice being prioritizing business/career over relationships to the extent she had no time for the latter, or simply putting the vibe out there that she's not interested, including say 'no' a lot. Otherwise, all she'd have to do is say 'yes' a few times and she'd be coupled up.

 

None of this seems particularly odd to me, since I was socialized by a similarly focused adult, except she wasn't married and divorced, focusing on her life and work until marrying in her mid-30's. Definitely single by choice, if the pictures I saw of her with various suitors over those years were any indicator. This was long before 'hear me roar'. IME, she wasn't an anomaly, though perhaps not the stereotype assigned to women of the 40's and 50's.

[guest569]

I dont even see how this is a gender thing or "empowerment". It's the 21st century so there is nothing special about it to me.

 

This is just a person who is content with her life and doesn't want to be with someone just for the sake of not being single. I know single people who fear that they will be alone forever, I admire this woman's attitude.

 

She pretty much stated the fact she has "been there, done that" and won't put herself in that situation again until she is certain he is the perfect match for her .

 

I know divorced people who are fed up with being in am abusive relationship and love their independence.

[jay1983]

I dont even see how this is a gender thing or "empowerment". It's the 21st century so there is nothing special about it to me.

 

This is just a person who is content with her life and doesn't want to be with someone just for the sake of not being single. I know single people who fear that they will be alone forever, I admire this woman's attitude.

 

She pretty much stated the fact she has "been there, done that" and won't put herself in that situation again until she is certain he is the perfect match for her .

 

I know divorced people who are fed up with being in am abusive relationship and love their independence.

 

There is no perfect match. If everybody was looking for their perfect match, 99% of people wouldn't date anybody. A lot of women don't figure that out until it's too late.

[guest569]

There is no perfect match. If everybody was looking for their perfect match, 99% of people wouldn't date anybody. A lot of women don't figure that out until it's too late.

 

I realise that, I know that no one is perfect, and no relationship is perfect. But some relationships are right and some are wrong.

[irc333]

She probably feels it is nobody's business, especially since she knows the man she dated reads her blog. It must not be very nice to read someone's blog and to see a large paragraph detailing what you did wrong on the date. I think it is very smart of her to ignore those questions in the comment section. I wouldn't respond to them either.

 

I wonder if her blog statistics are telling her that her site was linked up to Loveshack and people on here are talking about her. Most blog statistics can show you which sites people clicked through to get to your site. There is a good chance that she will find this thread and read it. If I were her and I saw this, I would not feel very happy.

 

Hey, it's a blog, its intention for it is to attract web traffic about this very topic. Not sure why she would be unhappy about it. She's purposely making her dating life public, so obviously she wants people reading it.

 

Anyhow, I think it's perfectly legitimate to question her as to the "why' she's still single by addressing the last guy she talked about in her Blog that she went out with. She never gave details as to the "why this was the first and last date" with this man, but never gave a reason. I find that would bode further questions in regards to not continuing contact with the gentleman.

Edited July 20, 2014 by irc333

[irc333]

This single woman's blog post reminds me of another 35 year old woman I had seen on POF. Suprisingly she already lives in a major, metropolitan city. She's an active member of the Christian community , her church nursery, and a ministry. Does volunteer work as well as a socialite of sorts.

 

Chances are she's running into other single men constantly in the city, society, and so on. Her profile had her listed in the "Media/Entertainment" industry. VERY attractive woman. One pictured her showed a bit of a 4-pic montage modeling work out attire (looked like she was a fitness model of sorts).

 

She actually told of her situation IN her profile, it was quite revealing. She said she hadn't dated ANYONE in the past 5 years.

 

She also revealed that in those 5 years she's yet to meet someone she would consider dating and friends have told her about this POF site and figured it was worth a try.

 

Can you imagine a woman turning down men left and right for even a single date for the past 5 years? Yikes, no wonder she is still single.

 

Though people here may argue that "Well, she shouldn't have to settle or she knows what she's wants and she knows what she's attracted to."

 

To be honest, I dunno, I think people should be a bit realistic as some people (both men and women) think they should attain some PERFECT person to be their life mate, but most are unwilling to accept their flaws..both physical and personality-wise. It's like they are thinking "Yeah, he's got something going for him, he's cute, but.....let me try for something even better than that!!"

 

Of course, ONLINE dating simply just throws more options into the mix and as opposed to already having REAL LIFE opportunities with men in her church community or whatever social avenues she's currently active in, she's resorted to the pit of online dating.

 

I had to laugh when she mentioned or implied that her friends told her online dating would be a great option for her, considering the he** some of us went through with online dating. LOL

[Noproblem]

"Just because you and many others want to be with someone so badly, that doesn't apply to all of us!"

 

Here is my reply: I am single and I am planning to keep it this way.

 

 

It's a free world, people kill each other's with no reason, so it's kinda weird that you want to know why someone say they are single within their choice!

 

 

They don't have to be desperate to look normal or believable.

Some people actually wants to stay single for as long as possible, why they have to explain their reasons!

Edited July 20, 2014 by Noproblem

[ASG]

Irc333 - you say she's delusional and that there isn't a perfect match. But have you considered that THAT is the point?

 

She'd rather be single than be with someone she didn't find perfect. Why is that unreasonable? As long as you're prepared to face the possibility that maybe there isn't someone out there for you, why should you settle for someone you don't think is IT?

 

Not everyone will have this view, obviously, and will "settle" for someone the find ok (or even good, but not necessarily perfect). And that's fine as well!

 

But why does that woman need to be more realistic? She's looking. Maybe the guy doesn't exist, but if she does try to find him, her chances are even slimmer. What is wrong with that?!?

[irc333]

Well, you see the thing is this...single people tend to be overly focused on what's NOT important when looking for a mate as opposed to what IS important.

 

There was a piece (both video and article) presented on the Today Show called.

 

Why it’s OK to settle for Mr. Good Enough -

Author Lori Gottlieb on the fading line between compromising and settling

 

The author, a woman herself, acknowledges the issue of women being fixated on frivolous things that don't matter when it comes to dating and other situations where women of a certain age may want to consider "settling" just like their already married friends have.

 

 

 

Irc333 - you say she's delusional and that there isn't a perfect match. But have you considered that THAT is the point?

 

She'd rather be single than be with someone she didn't find perfect. Why is that unreasonable? As long as you're prepared to face the possibility that maybe there isn't someone out there for you, why should you settle for someone you don't think is IT?

 

Not everyone will have this view, obviously, and will "settle" for someone the find ok (or even good, but not necessarily perfect). And that's fine as well!

 

But why does that woman need to be more realistic? She's looking. Maybe the guy doesn't exist, but if she does try to find him, her chances are even slimmer. What is wrong with that?!?

[Emilia]

As a woman that never wanted children, I don't see why I should make the compromises needed for a domestic arrangement living full time with another person. As another poster said, when you are independent and your life goals are not based on nurturing other people, it is limited what you are prepared to compromise on. As well as a career, I have a small business on the side that I'm looking to build up. I am financially completely independent, I have a great circle of friends, lots of different interests and the time I have left, I enjoy in my own company.

 

Yes it would be great to find a long term partner for that but I'm not looking to have one live with me full time and I need someone that wants a very similar lifestyle long term. I'm not looking to follow a man around, to stay at home, to bring up children, to be a domestic goddess. None of these things interest me. It's not easy to find a man who is looking for something similar so I am single.

 

I suppose I don't understand why that would annoy anyone.

[irc333]

So you would prefer an arrangement where you are both exclusive, but living in separate domiciles?

 

As a woman that never wanted children, I don't see why I should make the compromises needed for a domestic arrangement living full time with another person. As another poster said, when you are independent and your life goals are not based on nurturing other people, it is limited what you are prepared to compromise on. As well as a career, I have a small business on the side that I'm looking to build up. I am financially completely independent, I have a great circle of friends, lots of different interests and the time I have left, I enjoy in my own company.

 

Yes it would be great to find a long term partner for that but I'm not looking to have one live with me full time and I need someone that wants a very similar lifestyle long term. I'm not looking to follow a man around, to stay at home, to bring up children, to be a domestic goddess. None of these things interest me. It's not easy to find a man who is looking for something similar so I am single.

 

I suppose I don't understand why that would annoy anyone.

[Emilia]

So you would prefer an arrangement where you are both exclusive, but living in separate domiciles?

My ideal would be in a committed relationship but not living fully together. Something like 5 days a week but a couple separate. Not in a regimented way but not being in each other's pockets all the time.

[irc333]

My ideal would be in a committed relationship but not living fully together. Something like 5 days a week but a couple separate. Not in a regimented way but not being in each other's pockets all the time.

 

Hm, interesting, you know its not often that women would want such an arrangement, usually men don't have a problem with it as most are commitment phobes anyhow. LOL So they'd probably enjoy the idea of dating someone without having to be in each other's pockets.

 

Most women tend to desire living together or even marriage as it's usually the nature of a woman to do so, but it seems recently the tables are turning as women are taking on the characteristics of men.

 

Women these days tend to have less a problem being FWB's with men (which men tend to love) and other such arrangements that men had been doing most of these generations.

[ASG]

Well, you see the thing is this...single people tend to be overly focused on what's NOT important when looking for a mate as opposed to what IS important.

 

There was a piece (both video and article) presented on the Today Show called.

 

Why it’s OK to settle for Mr. Good Enough -

Author Lori Gottlieb on the fading line between compromising and settling

 

The author, a woman herself, acknowledges the issue of women being fixated on frivolous things that don't matter when it comes to dating and other situations where women of a certain age may want to consider "settling" just like their already married friends have.

 

Yes. But what if I don't want that? And am not bothered if my perfect relationship doesn't materialise? What is wrong with that?!

 

Some people feel this way. They'd rather not compromise on their ideals at all. Even if it neans not getting the guy. But like the saying goes, it's better to be alone than in bad company.

 

And that is being single by choice. You could couple up with someone, but you'd rather stay alone than settling for Mr Good Enough.

Why is it so dificult to understand?