Can't seem to let go...

[Chris1964]

I have been divorced for nearly five years now and I am still hung up on my ex-wife. We were married for 18 years and had four boys together. I have 50% custody so i get to see my kids all the time, but due to their heavy involvement in sports and school activities, I see her all the time too, which makes it impossible for me to get over her. Every time I see her I am constantly reminded of why I fell in love with her in the first place.

 

She said all the right things that i wanted to hear as we were going through the divorce..." I just need some time for me right now...I'm not interested in dating or meeting anyone...I can see us getting re-married in 5 years...etc"

 

She has not re-married but has dated several guys. She has obviously moved on with her life, however I cannot seem to do the same. A therapist once told me that there is actually a small population of divorced spouses that actually never get over their ex's. At this point I am afraid I might be in that pool!!!

 

To this day I am still in love with her and I miss her terribly. She was my best friend. We both came from big families, and I was close with hers which I also lost due to the divorce. The other part of me is angry and bitter for what she did to the boys and I for leaving.

 

I constantly have thoughts about her throughout the day... every day! I replay over and over in my mind all of the great times that we shared together. I know this is not normal. What can I do to stop dwelling on her? She is driving me crazy!!!!!!

[Mr. Lucky]

Have you dated and been with other women? Many times the old "get right back up on the horse" theory works in terms of helping you understand there's a big world out there with many other females in it. If you're sitting alone in a darkened room pining for her, of course it's tough. A little like exercise in that sometimes you just have to make yourself do it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[karnak]

Have you dated and been with other women? Many times the old "get right back up on the horse" theory works in terms of helping you understand there's a big world out there with many other females in it. If you're sitting alone in a darkened room pining for her, of course it's tough. A little like exercise in that sometimes you just have to make yourself do it...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes. Sometimes you think you once had "Mrs. Special". Until you meet a new woman. And, after some time, you start to realise that "Mrs. Special" wasn't so special and unique after all.

[TheBladeRunner]

Have you dated and been with other women? Many times the old "get right back up on the horse" theory works in terms of helping you understand there's a big world out there with many other females in it. If you're sitting alone in a darkened room pining for her, of course it's tough. A little like exercise in that sometimes you just have to make yourself do it...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Agreed MrLucky! When I started dating again it really helped me.

[Tbisb74]

The main reason you're not moving on is because you don't want to. There is nothing there compelling you to do so, and you have stuck yourself in a rut.

It's your choice.

Either subconsciously commit yourself to being her emotional prisoner for the rest of your life, or get a life, branch out and do things differently.

Only you can do that, nobody else can do it for you.

 

But don't look for a replacement; you'll only end up comparing every woman you go out with, to her, and it will be a self-defeating exercise.

 

You need to understand that it's ok to date women who are completely different to her.

I bet the guys she's dated are nothing like you.

[Chris1964]

The main reason you're not moving on is because you don't want to. There is nothing there compelling you to do so, and you have stuck yourself in a rut.

It's your choice.

Either subconsciously commit yourself to being her emotional prisoner for the rest of your life, or get a life, branch out and do things differently.

Only you can do that, nobody else can do it for you.

 

But don't look for a replacement; you'll only end up comparing every woman you go out with, to her, and it will be a self-defeating exercise.

 

You need to understand that it's ok to date women who are completely different to her.

I bet the guys she's dated are nothing like you.

 

 

 

Your right about that. They are a lot older than me and either have gray hair or no hair.

[karnak]

Your right about that. They are a lot older than me and either have gray hair or no hair.

 

That's one of the things that disturbs you the most, isn't it?

The fact that, apparently, it seems that she's "downgraded" her tastes and settled for "decadent stuff".

 

Or am I reading too much into your comment?

[Chris1964]

That's one of the things that disturbs you the most, isn't it?

The fact that, apparently, it seems that she's "downgraded" her tastes and settled for "decadent stuff".

 

Or am I reading too much into your comment?

 

 

I don't know if disturbing is the right word, I just don't get it. I think it's normal to compare the new with what she had isn't it?

[Tbisb74]

Not in your case, obviously, because it's not helping you let go.

Are you hoping she will see the error of her ways, give up on the oldies and come back to you?

 

How would you have felt if she had gone for younger, more virile, toned guys?

 

See, comparing is just holding you back.

You really should give a damn about who she's dating or what they look like.

The more you care and compare, the deeper your rut gets.

[Chris1964]

Not in your case, obviously, because it's not helping you let go.

Are you hoping she will see the error of her ways, give up on the oldies and come back to you?

 

How would you have felt if she had gone for younger, more virile, toned guys?

 

See, comparing is just holding you back.

You really should give a damn about who she's dating or what they look like.

The more you care and compare, the deeper your rut gets.

 

 

Yes, I totally see your point here. It really doesn't matter what she is attracted to now because the attraction doesn't include me any more.

 

We hit it right off from the start in our relationship, and I asked her to marry me less than a month after we met. I guess I was just getting my hopes up by the mere fact that since she has dated several guys... and never had an extended relationship with any of them... that she would realize that what we shared together was something special.

[karnak]

Give us more details.

 

Why have you separated? Was one of you involved in an affair?

 

The fact that you "obssess" a bit about her may be directly connected to the fact that you seem to have no clue about the true reasons for the divorce.

You see, we humans are "rational" beings (well - sort of, you know what I mean). We managed to survive in hostile environments and adapt and create civilizations throghout the ages due to the fact that we observe and analyze the world around us. Which means that we manage to learn through our mistakes and that enables us a better chance of survival and success in our lives.

 

Somehow, deep down, your subconscious mind may be looking for an answer:

"Why did our marriage fail"? - "Is there any problem with me?" - "How can I prevent ir from happening again"?

 

Subconsciousy, you may be afraid that, if you don't manage to restore your marriage (or at least understand why it failed) you risk to fail again and again.

 

I've read some psychologival studies, concerning relationships, where professionals state that the spouse has a LOT more trouble overcoming the grief and the loss when he/she is in the dark concerning the failure of the marriage.

 

You see, when a marriage collapses due to an affair or a betrayal of trust the betrayed spouse at least manages to acknowledge (wether they like it or not) that the other half was a damaged person or clearly lacked a moral compass. So the betrayed spouse ultimately accepts that, in the long run, they're better off alone than in the company of a bad person.

 

As I stated above, I'm at a loss concerning the reasons for your divorce. But I bet that, if your wife had cheated on you, you almost surely wouldn't be pinning for her after all these years.

 

Be honest with yourself: why do you mourn her absence so? Was she such a perfect person? Are you so sure that no other woman in the world can match or even supass her?

Or are there some traits about her that you're afraid to admit, with fear of damaging the memories of your marriage?

[Chris1964]

Give us more details.

 

Why have you separated? Was one of you involved in an affair?

 

The fact that you "obssess" a bit about her may be directly connected to the fact that you seem to have no clue about the true reasons for the divorce.

You see, we humans are "rational" beings (well - sort of, you know what I mean). We managed to survive in hostile environments and adapt and create civilizations throghout the ages due to the fact that we observe and analyze the world around us. Which means that we manage to learn through our mistakes and that enables us a better chance of survival and success in our lives.

 

Somehow, deep down, your subconscious mind may be looking for an answer:

"Why did our marriage fail"? - "Is there any problem with me?" - "How can I prevent ir from happening again"?

 

Subconsciousy, you may be afraid that, if you don't manage to restore your marriage (or at least understand why it failed) you risk to fail again and again.

 

I've read some psychologival studies, concerning relationships, where professionals state that the spouse has a LOT more trouble overcoming the grief and the loss when he/she is in the dark concerning the failure of the marriage.

 

You see, when a marriage collapses due to an affair or a betrayal of trust the betrayed spouse at least manages to acknowledge (wether they like it or not) that the other half was a damaged person or clearly lacked a moral compass. So the betrayed spouse ultimately accepts that, in the long run, they're better off alone than in the company of a bad person.

 

As I stated above, I'm at a loss concerning the reasons for your divorce. But I bet that, if your wife had cheated on you, you almost surely wouldn't be pinning for her after all these years.

 

Be honest with yourself: why do you mourn her absence so? Was she such a perfect person? Are you so sure that no other woman in the world can match or even supass her?

Or are there some traits about her that you're afraid to admit, with fear of damaging the memories of your marriage?

 

I did not have an affair, nor was I abusive in any way. I was a good husband and father to our kids. In fact , for the last 5 years of our marriage I was a stay at home Dad during the day and took care of our youngest two boys. During this time I worked from home, but earned much less income than I did before. During this period her career advanced quite well with a series of promotions along the way to the point where she was actually earning more than I was making at the job I left to stay home. She was a hard worker, well thought of at work, and deserved the advancement. At this same time I began to see a change in her. She was always very attractive to me, but she began to lose a lot of weight which I'm sure made her feel even better of herself, and more attractive to others. It was almost as if she was preparing herself in advance to leave the marriage. With her increased income, and new sexy shape, and my small income, there really was no need for me to be in the picture anymore. At least that's how I saw things looking back.

 

I believe she may have been the one cheating, but I was never able to prove it and she denied it. Cell phone records showed she was receiving phone calls and texting what appeared to be new new numbers that were never on our bill before, and were not family or friends I knew. A history search on her computer revealed numerous searches to numerous dating and racy websites dealing with dating and having sex with older men. When I confronted her on the searches she said she was searching for her friend at work and not for her.

 

I guess we grew apart during the raising of our kids, and we found ourselves not spending the quality time with each other to keep the relationship alive. We had disagreements on some parenting issues, but nothing special that other marriages face today. The bottom line is she said she wasn't happy in the relationship anymore, and that she was too young to be unhappy the rest of her life, and she wanted out. I tried to get her to go to counseling, but she refused. And I knew what that meant.

 

No, she was not perfect. And neither was I. No one is. But I believe our marriage was worth saving with 4 young boys, but I wasn't able to convince her otherwise. I miss her because for 18 years she was my soul mate and the first true love of my life, and I was her first true love. A match that seemed made in heaven. We always talked about spending the rest of our lives together no matter what encounters or challenges we faced.

 

This is why it is so hard for me to let go. I know deep down that after 5 years she's not coming back. But it doesn't make it any easier for me to move on...and obviously I haven't.

[ashleyjohn]

If this is the case, you really need to move on. Also, get this straight in your head that she ain't coming back. There's no use of waiting and repenting later.

[Eivuwan]

Usually people say to heal yourself first before dating, but in this case I think you need to go out and date other women just to get it into your head that she's not the only special woman out there. You might find someone that you click with more than her and wonder why you were obsessing all this time.

[aMguilts]

feel for you

one thing you have to realise is it`s been 5 years

5 YEARS!!!!

 

 

So how much longer are you going to wait for her?

Another 5?

then another 5 after that?

Long story short

All the time you are waiting for her, SHE will NOT want to be with you

ever.

I agree with whoever said you should start dating

you said that her `choice` of men that she`s seen is below par to you?

that is really encouraging!!

means you have more self esteem then you give credit for.

 

 

get out there

go and talk to as many women as possible

Don`t even be interested in them

No woman likes a `needy` guy

start being confident in yourself

 

 

keep your chin up

smile

 

 

aM

[Chris1964]

feel for you

one thing you have to realise is it`s been 5 years

5 YEARS!!!!

 

 

get out there

go and talk to as many women as possible

Don`t even be interested in them

No woman likes a `needy` guy

start being confident in yourself

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for the advice. But herein lies the problem...I currently am working over 70 hrs a week with a day and a nite job. Starting in the fall I will have two boys in college, and the other two are in private school. I had to reinvent my whole career five years ago and I still have not recovered from staying home all those years. I would love to meet someone as I believe it is the only thing that will truly get me over my ex. The problem is for right now I have to be ok with being single. I feel I am only pushing myself to meet someone because it stings so much for me to be home at nite wishing I was with her, while she is out having a good time. I don't even know how I would find time to date someone even if I did try. I just want my life back the way it was before this nightmare happened. I loved being married and having my family together as opposed to bouncing back between two houses every five days. Unfortunately nice guys don't always get what they want.

[karnak]

I did not have an affair, nor was I abusive in any way. I was a good husband and father to our kids. In fact , for the last 5 years of our marriage I was a stay at home Dad during the day and took care of our youngest two boys. During this time I worked from home, but earned much less income than I did before. During this period her career advanced quite well with a series of promotions along the way to the point where she was actually earning more than I was making at the job I left to stay home. She was a hard worker, well thought of at work, and deserved the advancement. At this same time I began to see a change in her. She was always very attractive to me, but she began to lose a lot of weight which I'm sure made her feel even better of herself, and more attractive to others. It was almost as if she was preparing herself in advance to leave the marriage. With her increased income, and new sexy shape, and my small income, there really was no need for me to be in the picture anymore. At least that's how I saw things looking back.

 

I believe she may have been the one cheating, but I was never able to prove it and she denied it. Cell phone records showed she was receiving phone calls and texting what appeared to be new new numbers that were never on our bill before, and were not family or friends I knew. A history search on her computer revealed numerous searches to numerous dating and racy websites dealing with dating and having sex with older men. When I confronted her on the searches she said she was searching for her friend at work and not for her.

 

Look, Chris

 

To be honest I really think your wife cheated on you. The facts that you're telling (her changing her appearance and physique, looking through dating sites, receiving calls from unknown numbers, etc) those are really serious red flags. But, regardless of her probable infidelity, the worst fact is that she was lying to you. This only proves her lack of character.

 

Is this the kind of woman that you really want to spend the rest of your life with? A lying and deceiving person?

Is this your "soulmate"?

 

And are you sure you really know the woman you spent 18 years of your life with?

 

The fact that she's fixed in dating older guys points to certain aspects of your wife that you probably don't like to consider.

Usually older guys have a tendency to be more perverted and dominating in sexual terms than younger men.

You seem to be a nice guy, Chris, so I assume that your wife isn't dating older guys in order to be treated gently by more mature men.

 

Nope, what I really think (specially considering that your wife doesn't seem interested in settling down in a stable relationship) is that your wife is only looking for cheap sex thrills and "risque" practices that a peaceful and loving guy like you wouldn't probably indulge in.

 

Sorry if I may seem to be a bit blunt here. But, yes. What I am suggesting is that your wife basically divorced you because she wanted to have plenty of kinky sex with perverted guys.

 

Have you ever really considered this, Chris? And if so, is this the kind of woman that you would want as your soulmate?

Well, I know that some guys like their women "loose" (so much that they don't even care if they're banged by other dudes). While other men like a stable, modest wife who sees sex in a normal, intimate and healthy way.

[aMguilts]

no they don`t

but again, your self esteem is working for you in a way that you haven`t noticed yet!!

You even want her back?

ask yourself that question

if the answer is yes

then the best way to get her back....is to let her go

70 hours a week is a long job for anyone!

The job I`m in I can do from 30 to 90 in a week

averaging 56 atm

 

 

you need YOU time. even if it`s just for a few hours

make time

find the time!!!

find yourself

do you have any hobbies?

 

 

aM

[Tbisb74]

Usually older guys have a tendency to be more perverted and dominating in sexual terms than younger men.

.... I assume that your wife isn't dating older guys in order to be treated gently by more mature men....

 

....your wife is only looking for cheap sex thrills and "risque" practices that a peaceful and loving guy like you wouldn't probably indulge in....

 

.... your wife basically divorced you because she wanted to have plenty of kinky sex with perverted guys....

 

Have you ever really considered this, Chris? ....

Holy Mike... I've seen some sweeping generalisations, but this one really takes the biscuit...

 

Is this what you will be like when you hit 55?

You're going to go in for kinky sex, perverted tastes and cheap sex thrills, are you?

Cripes. There's hope for us all then....!

[aMguilts]

Look, Chris

 

To be honest I really think your wife cheated on you. The facts that you're telling (her changing her appearance and physique, looking through dating sites, receiving calls from unknown numbers, etc) those are really serious red flags. But, regardless of her probable infidelity, the worst fact is that she was lying to you. This only proves her lack of character.

 

Is this the kind of woman that you really want to spend the rest of your life with? A lying and deceiving person?

Is this your "soulmate"?

 

And are you sure you really know the woman you spent 18 years of your life with?

 

The fact that she's fixed in dating older guys points to certain aspects of your wife that you probably don't like to consider.

Usually older guys have a tendency to be more perverted and dominating in sexual terms than younger men.

You seem to be a nice guy, Chris, so I assume that your wife isn't dating older guys in order to be treated gently by more mature men.

 

Nope, what I really think (specially considering that your wife doesn't seem interested in settling down in a stable relationship) is that your wife is only looking for cheap sex thrills and "risque" practices that a peaceful and loving guy like you wouldn't probably indulge in.

 

Sorry if I may seem to be a bit blunt here. But, yes. What I am suggesting is that your wife basically divorced you because she wanted to have plenty of kinky sex with perverted guys.

 

Have you ever really considered this, Chris? And if so, is this the kind of woman that you would want as your soulmate?

Well, I know that some guys like their women "loose" (so much that they don't even care if they're banged by other dudes). While other men like a stable, modest wife who sees sex in a normal, intimate and healthy way.

 

hmmm

I dunno what to say

bottom line is you marry someone cos you love them and want to be with them for the rest of your lives together,

not try and change them after you get married?

 

 

apologies if I`ve mis

read your post

aM

[karnak]

Holy Mike... I've seen some sweeping generalisations, but this one really takes the biscuit...

 

Is this what you will be like when you hit 55?

You're going to go in for kinky sex, perverted tastes and cheap sex thrills, are you?

Cripes. There's hope for us all then....!

 

Well, maybe I am.

And yes, most older, single guys are a bit on the kinky and pervert side.

 

I take it that you know plenty of older, single guys in order to contest this?

[karnak]

hmmm

I dunno what to say

bottom line is you marry someone cos you love them and want to be with them for the rest of your lives together,

not try and change them after you get married?

 

 

apologies if I`ve mis

read your post

aM

 

No.

Bottom line is:

some people don't really know for sure the person they've married. Then the person reveals itself to be incompatible with us in the long run. Then they separate.

 

And what I wanted to demonstrate in my post is that the OP probably is idealizing his ex-wife. And that is making it more difficult for him to break free from his mourning.

[aMguilts]

No.

Bottom line is:

some people don't really know for sure the person they've married. Then the person reveals itself to be incompatible with us in the long run. Then they separate.

 

And what I wanted to demonstrate in my post is that the OP probably is idealizing his ex-wife. And that is making it more difficult for him to break free from his mourning.

 

 

no

YOUR `idealizing` (w/e that means!) His wife

 

 

AS for your last quote about `older` guys getting , well let`s face it from what you put

weirder?

So are YOU speaking from experience???

Define `older` for me to

I`m 43

 

 

aM

 

 

side note... yeah I maybe am getting weirder as my years pass by

then again , it can be called `experience`

Edited July 21, 2014 by aMguilts

[karnak]

no

YOUR `idealizing` (w/e that means!) His wife

 

 

AS for your last quote about `older` guys getting , well let`s face it from what you put

weirder?

So are YOU speaking from experience???

Define `older` for me to

I`m 43

 

 

aM

 

 

side note... yeah I maybe am getting weirder as my years pass by

then again , it can be called `experience`

 

Yup. I'm speaking from experience in what refers to old guys (50+).

 

And yes. I'm "idealizing" Chris's wife. I don't know her. And I'm assuming things. That's what people do, concerning stories like Chris's.

You know as much as I do. So my opinion is as valid as yours.

 

We all have our own experiences. And yes, sometimes we get "weirder". Maybe I'm getting weirder as I grow older. But, hey, at least I assume.

 

And my statements and opinions are just as valid as yours, concerning this case. It's upt o Chris to decide which may be the better advice to him.

 

Hey, I myself could argue that you had no right to give opinions on the subject of his suffering to him. Considering that you had a severe depression that led to the breakup of your marriage and that you still only found solace when your wife returned to you.

[Tbisb74]

Well, maybe I am.

And yes, most older, single guys are a bit on the kinky and pervert side.

 

I take it that you know plenty of older, single guys in order to contest this?

 

Yes. I have several, older male cousins, and single or not, they don't suddenly develop weird, kinky sexual habits, a la Jekyll-and-Hyde, after a certain age.

But given that you seem fixed in your opinion that older men suddenly get weird, I doubt anything I say will convince you that you are incorrect in your rather bizarre and wild presumptions, so I'll leave it to you to prove yourself wrong when you finally become old enough to fall into that category. Of course, by that time, you'll obviously consider yourself to be the exception that proves the rule...