Second Time Around

[Kiki]

I am in of advise. I am 46 and a single parent for 10 years.

 

I have a great son of 26 who resides at home, who works, is compasionate and trying to get ahead.

 

Two years ago I met a man from a mutual friend and he is wonderful to me, kind, considerate and giving.

 

He has been separated from his exwife 4 years (26 years married) and todate no steps taken to legally desolve or legal separation. (Only talk of doing this). He supports his exwife with a hefty monthly payment, voluntarily. He has two sons, 23 and 26 with two grandchildren. I get along with and always seem to be the host for dinners.

 

When I met him, I was aware of a health concern he has, being a Diabetic. I have through receipe books, internet, learned alot of care for Diabetics and try to prepare the proper foods and ensure lunches are made. Always concerned of his sugar level daily and ask. I also have been eating better foods and enjoy doing this.

 

The sexual side of this relationship is hard due to his disease. I fell in love with so many of his strengths and we decided to buy a house last June together.

 

Downhill starts:

 

- his exwife now voices concerns how their children might feel with my son living with us. (Rents basement apartment and firstly resided with me when we met). The exwife expressed her concerns of half of our new home be willed to her boys.

 

(I was quick to say ..Your exwife has no opinion in our relationship)

 

- Jabs at things he feels my son is not doing (petty stuff)

 

while snapping at me and not discussing with my son. I feel like a bumper car, when I offer to make a family discussion, he refrains.

 

- his older son's wife, while visiting our house the first time, asks when they can move into the basement.

 

Any events that takes place in my life no matter how little, he calls his older son to discuss.

 

- any decorating (females love) is a must to be dicussed.

 

I am starting to get very restless, where's privacy. Lastly tax time is approaching and every year he buys RRSP's. Am I wrong to feel so hurt, seeing the RRSP he purchased this year in his sons name as beneficiary. I haven't been the same since, and don't know where to start conversations of where does our life start.

 

He has four other pieces of real estate and I'm feeling his children are resenting his purchase with me.

 

I need feedback.

 

Thanks

[Tony T]

Every problem you have discussed here in one you absolutely must discuss with your man. There is no other way to resolve these issues that to let him know how you feel and work them out between the two of you. It looks like you are building resentment in this relationship and it will only get worse the longer you are together if things aren't resolved.

 

There seems to be a great deal of problems associated with owning this house together. Perhaps both of you should go together to an attorney to see how papers can be drafted to more equitably deal with ownership issues. As long as you own half of this house, and you are not his wife, the other half would go to his own children AND HIS CURRENT WIFE!!! This is not a practical thing to let happen.

 

You need an agreement whereby each of you has a life isurance policy that will buy the deceased's half of the house from the survivors in the untimely event of death. There are lots of other agreements you need to resolve in terms of decorating, etc.

 

As far as the financial instruments that he purchases each year at tax time, if you were married to him you would be the beneficiary. Remember, HE IS STILL MARRIED and he also has major allegiances to his blood children that will always be greater than his allegiances to you. Now if the two of you get married, I'm sure things would change. But this man WILL NEVER MARRY YOU if you continue dealing with him like a spouse, even though he is still married and hasn't even filed for divorce.

 

There are a lot of legal advantages afforded to people who are married and you have none of them. You really ought to consult an attorney to get some serious answers about where you stand in this entire relationship. It doesn't look very good.

 

If you can't get all this straightened out soon, sell the house, take your half of the profits, and move on. Life is too short to worry about such petty stuff.

 

Some of these may seem like small problems now but they will get bigger as you go along. It just doesn't seem like you are very happy with this whole situation.

 

I hope you can work this out but trying to have a normal household and have normal relationships with the children of a married man is a pretty good trick to pull off.