Anyone who likes the relationship?

[d'Arthez]

Newby:

 

I did not mean to imply that because she is in an affair she will be dooming herself to all hell and damnation, or anything like that, but as she professes to pursue a relationship with a man who treats her with respect and does not cheat, has not cheated, she will make it hard for herself, if not impossible.

 

Very few men will be willing to date a woman who requires of them to have stainless credentials, with her not taking the moral issues the same way. That is where it goes wrong. If it were not important to her, it does not have to be important to her future husband. But if it is important to her, she'd better not have double standards.

 

Of course an ex OW can meet and build a relationship with a great man. They are out there. But to put this demand on the man, without lacking the thing to back up the reasonableness of the request is a thing.

[newby]

okay d'Arthez

what love2share is saying is that she is passing time until she meets the person who doesnt cheat and presumably when she does she is not intending to cheat on that man either or be the ow with that man as that would be impossible, he is not a cheater

i see what you are saying (i think) is that whilst she is in this relationship it is going to be very difficult to meet a decent guy

i agree to an extent but not for the same reasons, i think the situation is going to make her feel so much more worthless that she is not going to attract a decent guy

i apologise for misconstruing what you were saying

[d'Arthez]

Newby, you should consider registration, as your posts would be put on immediately, and there is no risk of your posts being rejected. As long as you are a guest, a moderator will review every post before it is put on. Slows the discussion a bit, and the possibility to discuss your views.

 

Don't worry about misconstruing what I was saying. If someone does that, and the discussion continues everybody gets a clearer understanding of the whole situation.

 

Love2share feels very strongly about being cheated on. She has been hurt a lot by cheating, and by men's general stupidity. She claims to have not dated one man that hasn't cheated on her or in his life time. All these men did not see her as she should be seen. Not because of herself, but because they were 'idiots', who are more occupied with sex and sexual encounters than building a solid relationship.

 

If she is going to be involved in this affair in a sexual way, she will become a cheater. I truly don't believe that affairs equate hell and damnation. The fact that she planned this quite carefully and gave it so much thought is frightening. For most OW it was not the case the affair was planned on her part. The affair is not going to last either way.

 

Let us assume that she would be right in the premises she made, and the consequences that would follow, and that she is not going to be discovered. Which is by no means certain.

 

She would have healed from her lack of trust et cetera. She thinks. But the effects of the affair will last longer. Just as the effect of being cheated on last a lot longer, possibly even a life-time.

 

When Mr. Perfect comes along with spotless relationship credentials Love2share cannot show the same spotless credentials. Because she requires this of Mr. Perfect, Mr. Perfect will be in a position to require the same of her.

 

There are 2 possibilities: either she admits the affair to Mr. Perfect, with high likelihood that he does not want to become further involved. If something is a turnoff, it is being strict to others, while being lenient on oneself. Especially on matters of morality.

 

Or she does not tell Mr. Perfect of her affair. They date, and eventually become married. She can't block the effects of the affair completely out of her mind. She will be afraid that her husband might find out about her affair. Which means she has to be on constant guard. And furthermore, because she has been cheated on in the past (no fault of her) will also be terribly afraid her husband will cheat. When she becomes pregnant, she will interpret her husbands signs on basis of the affair she was involved in many years ago. Not healthy, so even when she finds the great guy she deserves, she will set herself up for a lot of pain.

 

Even assuming that she had made a correct assessment, she is setting herself up for a lot of pain. If she were just in it for the sex, she should find a single guy, or even a male escort as KMT suggested. A lot cheaper, a lot less drama, and no cheating.

 

Most OW did not plan to get themselves into an affair. I know, and it is extremely hard for the OW to withdraw from the situation. Sometimes OW find out MM is married months into the affair. What is frightening about the situation for Love2Share is that she planned an affair. And forgets the fact that spending time with MM is in fact cheating.

 

Of course we all make mistakes in our lifes. And no mistake will condemn us to hell and damnation. I believe OW deserve great men, just as every woman does. But Love2Share is not making it easier for herself by this affair.

 

Hope this clarifies things a bit.

[newby]

i see what you are saying d'Arthez

you really WERE saying that in the future if she comes along with this offense on her record she cannot really demand that spouse to be has a clean record himself, therefore how can she really be sure that he is not a serial cheater

well it really all depends on whether spouse to be IS a serial cheater, its not like this one affair would make love2share a serial OW

everyone can make mistakes and everyone can change, life is a classroom and everyone a student as well as a teacher

i most certainly dont carry around a list of every mistake i have ever made, i learn from it and move on, if i have inadvertently hurt anyone in the process i make sure i channel my life in a direction where i can help people

doesnt mean i am immune from making another mistake though

i should think that this is what most people in the world do

i agree with you though that most OW do not go into the situation eyes open and willing and therefore cannot be condemned for their part in the affair

 

i am thinking about registering...until then you will have to be patient

 

it is worrying though love2share that you are so angry and bitter with your life that you are being so obviously destructive and especially self destructive

it would be much better for you if you could be proud of yourself that though people have treated you bad you have never lowered your self to their level

[d'Arthez]

Newby: I never implied that Love2Share is a serial OW, or that her future husband has to be a serial cheater.

 

We all do make mistakes. Minor mistakes and major mistakes. The perception of what is a minor mistake and what is a major mistake is not the same for every person.

 

Some people feel very strongly about attending university and others don't. So for some people missing out on university education can be a major mistake, while for someone who is content with lesser education, it is not necessarily the same.

 

Love2Share feels very strongly about cheating. She does not want ever to be cheated on again. That's of course a valid desire. However to justify her affair with MM, she gives her reasons, which logically are in conflict with the expectancy she has on the part of her future partner.

 

Most OW never wanted to be an OW in the first place, and most of them didn't chose consciously for the role of OW. Love2share does. Most OW are not as much to blame as MM for starting the affair, but she sought for a MM, and even discussed the expectancies of the A with MM. By her own admission she hasn't been lured into the affair by MM.

 

By consciously starting an affair, you will change the way you perceive relationships profoundly. Just as being cheated on when you are in a relationship changes the way you perceive not only your current relationships, but also your future relationships. She has been cheated on countless times, and this has made her bitter about men with regards to faithfulness.

 

Having sex with any man does not resolve her issue of a bitter perception of men. Even if she is not hurt from the affair (which I highly doubt), she will keep on thinking that men think with their sexual organs. It is difficult to predict the exact impact the affair will have on her. But it is certain she won't heal from her hurt. Her bitterness towards men will remain.

 

And bitterness towards men with regards to their faithfulness is not the most attractive quality a woman can have. Especially if Love2Share puts high demands on his fidelity-record, but has herself a fidelity-record with a serious stain. She draws the logical conclusion from this, which is that she can only "hope" her future partner remains faithful, which is a lot weaker desire than her original desire.

 

Most often affairs "happen", but are not being conciously negotiated for between the MM and OW at the start.

The fact that she planned her affair to happen is indicative of something negative. To apply logic to deceive yourself into believing what you are going to do is something right, which to your own moral views is wrong, is frightening. That is not only a fidelity issue, which is important in her eyes, it also becomes a larger issue.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by Love2share

But the only men I know who think like you are the ones who don't have an opportunity to cheat, in other words, they are not attractive enough to be faced with the challenge of temptations like infidelity.

 

That is completely ridiculous. There are plenty of good-looking men (and women for that matter) who don't cheat. Just because you haven't found any doesn't mean they don't exist.

 

And for the record, people who are both attractive and faithful are in high demand and, for the most part, are turned off by people who would date someone who is married.

[erika2610]

Originally posted by MsMree

that when you ask a question, you get an answer - most of the time not the one you want - as you so poignantly display.

 

I was just wondering.. is there anyone out there who likes being the OW? Anyone who doesn't WANNA get out of the relationship?

 

 

I believe i am an "anyone" and i believe my first post said "No". Then, as usually happens here, the forum just took off - i followed where it was leading -

 

When i am uncomfortable with the answers i get to my posts, that's when i know someone has hit a nerve - it is time for ME to sit-up and take notice -

 

Perhaps this lesson can apply to you as well.

 

One last thing - there are alot of men/women on here that come for support, that truly struggle with being in love w/a MM/MW - you come in whistling dixie w/a question like "Anyone who likes the relationship"???

 

I'm really surprised i showed any restraint at all.

 

Now, I am not going to get into a pi**ing match with you - if you'd like to reply pls. know that i will not do the same.

 

Believe it or not, i really do wish you well in whatever you decide to do.

 

Hello.. it was me that posted that question. I was just wondering.. I didn't know that one girl would post and it would just take off. What exactly is your problem with my question??

[newby]

d'Arthez...

By consciously starting an affair, you will change the way you perceive relationships profoundly. Just as being cheated on when you are in a relationship changes the way you perceive not only your current relationships, but also your future relationships. She has been cheated on countless times, and this has made her bitter about men with regards to faithfulness.

 

Having sex with any man does not resolve her issue of a bitter perception of men. Even if she is not hurt from the affair (which I highly doubt), she will keep on thinking that men think with their sexual organs. It is difficult to predict the exact impact the affair will have on her. But it is certain she won't heal from her hurt. Her bitterness towards men will remain.

QUOTE originally posted by d'Arthez

 

THIS is a really interesting point and yes, i quite agree. Its like your life becomes what you expect it to become and by treating it as though it is like this and only like this you are just compounding your beliefs that every relationship is this way. So the best thing to do to alter your belief is to keep searching for the ideal and keep living the ideal.

 

In your opinion though d'Arthez, is every experience sooo embedded i mean you strike me as one who has studied either psychology or similar, i dont happen to believe this is so true although i do believe in the life being what you believe it to be thing. I dont though, from personal experience believe that it is so hard to change what you believe.

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by MsMree

that when you ask a question, you get an answer - most of the time not the one you want - as you so poignantly display.

 

I was just wondering.. is there anyone out there who likes being the OW? Anyone who doesn't WANNA get out of the relationship?

 

I believe i am an "anyone" and i believe my first post said "No". Then, as usually happens here, the forum just took off - i followed where it was leading -

 

When i am uncomfortable with the answers i get to my posts, that's when i know someone has hit a nerve - it is time for ME to sit-up and take notice -

 

Perhaps this lesson can apply to you as well.

 

One last thing - there are alot of men/women on here that come for support, that truly struggle with being in love w/a MM/MW - you come in whistling dixie w/a question like "Anyone who likes the relationship"???

 

I'm really surprised i showed any restraint at all.

 

Now, I am not going to get into a pi**ing match with you - if you'd like to reply pls. know that i will not do the same.

 

Believe it or not, i really do wish you well in whatever you decide to do.

 

MsMree, you f'ing ROCK!! lol. Couldn't have said it better, myself.

[d'Arthez]

Newby, if you register, I can divulge some information on myself via PM.

[newby]

d'Arthez

i am scared of registering!

[iwhisper4u]

New on the board and this post caught my attention. I am happy with my MM and our relationship just the way it is. Been involved for almost 5 years now, he's 50 and I am 34. Not interested in him leaving her for me, I like my space. If he chooses to leave her that's his business, but would blow me away if he was to show up on my doorstep. We are both getting what we want from the relationship and neither are complicating the other's life.

[d'Arthez]

Newby:

 

I understand your concerns, but I hope you can also understand mine. As it is a public forum, any information I divulge on myself on these boards is going to remain on the boards, which I don't want to happen. However with Private messages that would not be a problem.

 

Iwhisper4u:

New on the board and this post caught my attention. I am happy with my MM and our relationship just the way it is. Been involved for almost 5 years now, he's 50 and I am 34. Not interested in him leaving her for me, I like my space. If he chooses to leave her that's his business, but would blow me away if he was to show up on my doorstep. We are both getting what we want from the relationship and neither are complicating the other's life.

That is what you believe at the current moment. Which does not necessarily has to be the truth in the long run.

[erika2610]

Originally posted by SummerRae

MsMree, you f'ing ROCK!! lol. Couldn't have said it better, myself.

 

I started this post. I was just curious about the topic. I didn't know one girl would post and then everybody would jump on her and tell her how stupid she is. That's unnecessary. I'm sure what everybody's saying to her is nothing that we didn't all hear when we were or are dating a MM. But I dunno about everybody else, but it didn't stop me. And what I don't like is MsMree coming in here jumping on her about 'whistling dixie' asking a question like 'Anybody like the relationship'? when 'm the one that started it.

[newby]

d'Arthez

i do understand your concerns, but i still have mine.

i don't know that i asked you anything that personal anyway, did i?

i will think about registering of course in my own time. i'm not too clear about anything at the moment.

 

erika

you are absolutely right, i'm sure we were all given warnings of some sort but once you are hooked you are hooked, and love2share is only trying to rationalise it, like we all did/do.

sorry love2share, i hope you are still around and still posting.x

[Love2share]

YES. I like the relationship. Over the weekend, WE DID IT. We made arrangements, and we F*CKED. It was great.

 

So now everyone can stop trying to prevent me from making a "mistake." Geeeese!!!

 

Anyway, before being with the MM, my perception of perfect relationships was already damaged. I wasn't bitter. I'm still not bitter. The one thing I've found, in this particular relationship with the MM, that I haven't found in other relationshiops (yet maybe) is open communication. This MM was upfront with me about everything. I appreciate that.

 

I didn't go out looking for a MM. He didn't go out looking for me. We met, we were attracted to each other, and for our own selfish reasons, we were both willing to do it. I don't judge him for cheating. He doesn't judge me for cheating. We just like the situation for what it is right now.

 

In the future, I won't be looking for a man without a past. I've never expected a man to be perfect. If so, then I never would have become involved with anyone. I've dated men who had past that were terrible compared to mine. I lost my virginity to a MM, but he lied to me and I didn't know he was married at the time. I've hated MM who have approached me ever since, until I met this particular MM, who allowed me to view another side of things.

 

Any person who would judge me negitively for the decisions I've made, is not the RIGHT person for me. I hope that the man of my dreams would be open minded the same as I am. I hope (in a perfect world) to never be cheated on again. But, by being with this particular MM, now I UNDERSTAND that cheating happens for a variety of reasons and it doesn't have to be the end of the relationship or the world. If I ever fall in love again with a man who cheats on me, I would like to be able to communicate with him about it, rather than push him out of my life completely.

 

I agree with you all that a single man "could" have allowed me the same benefits as a MM. But the point you're not getting is that NO SINGLE MAN I'VE EVER MET HAS GIVEN ME THE SAME BENEFITS as the MM. My opportunity just happen to come from a MM. The fact that he is married and not trying to commit to me is the icing on the cake for me. Not because I want to cause problems for his marriage, but because I don't want a commitment with anyone right now. The single men that I've known always play that double standard where they want me to commit to them, but they don't commit to me. And when I refuse to commit, they call me a whore, slut, b*tch, and many other terrible things. This particular MM doesn't do that. He's not forcing me to commit to anything with him. And I'm not forcing him to commit.

 

The sex was great. We're planning to do it again. But if we don't, hey, at least we both got what we wanted out of the situation. We're still friends, nobody's hurt, and everybody's happy.

[fanou22]

Originally posted by Love2share

YES. I like the relationship. Over the weekend, WE DID IT. We made arrangements, and we F*CKED. It was great.

 

So now everyone can stop trying to prevent me from making a "mistake." Geeeese!!!

 

The sex was great. We're planning to do it again. But if we don't, hey, at least we both got what we wanted out of the situation. We're still friends, nobody's hurt, and everybody's happy.

 

Welcome to the club.

Just what I had predicted when I was reading your posts.

Let me add that from now on the sex will be greater. It gets better with time.

 

If you don't want to end up like all of us, keep your emotions in check. Set yourself a time after which you will no longer engage in any sexual or physical contact.

[Michael86]

YES. I like the relationship. Over the weekend, WE DID IT. We made arrangements, and we F*CKED. It was great.

Well good for you. I guess you showed us. Congratulations! You must be very proud of yourself. Did you for a second think of his pregnant wife sitting at home while you and that scumbag were f*cking????

 

So now everyone can stop trying to prevent me from making a "mistake."

Forgive us for trying to help you. Don't worry, the mistake part will come later on.

 

If I ever fall in love again with a man who cheats on me, I would like to be able to communicate with him about it, rather than push him out of my life completely.

So in other words, you've now completely lost all respect for yourself now. Do you really think it will be OK with you when you get cheating on again? There are good men out there who don't cheat. There's one sitting here right now typing this. You deserved a man like that.

 

I haven't met the right one yet. If I did, and I found out in the past she f*ucked a married man, I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole no matter how great she was. You can expect that kind of reaction in the future. And if you happen to meet someone who's OK with it, then he's no different from the scumbags you've been involved with before.

[izzybelle]

michael -

 

I haven't met the right one yet. If I did, and I found out in the past she f*ucked a married man, I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole no matter how great she was. You can expect that kind of reaction in the future. And if you happen to meet someone who's OK with it, then he's no different from the scumbags you've been involved with before.

 

wow, that's a little harsh and yes, i'll say it, judgemental. we all make mistakes in life. personally, i'd rather be involved with someone who was honest with me that they'd f'd up and learned from it! and while i don't go around broadcasting the fact that i was involved with an MM there are several men right now who are wonderful non-scumbag types who are well aware of the mistakes i made and are accepting of that. no one is perfect...... and i'm not looking for someone who is.

 

and while i may not agree with Love2Share's choices, they are her's and perhaps we can learn from other's mistakes as well.

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by izzybelle

michael -

 

 

 

wow, that's a little harsh and yes, i'll say it, judgemental. we all make mistakes in life. personally, i'd rather be involved with someone who was honest with me that they'd f'd up and learned from it! and while i don't go around broadcasting the fact that i was involved with an MM there are several men right now who are wonderful non-scumbag types who are well aware of the mistakes i made and are accepting of that. no one is perfect...... and i'm not looking for someone who is.

 

and while i may not agree with Love2Share's choices, they are her's and perhaps we can learn from other's mistakes as well.

 

I agree, that was harsh. But for some people, who've never been in a certain situation, fail to have compassion or understanding. It's unfortunate, really. But then again, we wouldn't want those kinds of guys anyways, now would we?

[izzybelle]

we wouldn't want those kinds of guys anyways, now would we?

 

nope..... oddly one of the men who has become a close friend and is VERY understanding of what i did, just had his wife walk out on him for her MM. one would think if anyone would feel bitter, he would!

[Michael86]

Maybe it was harsh. But this whole thing has struck a nerve with me. Maybe not being the most objective person, I shouldn't have commented at all. I've been cheated on so I know what it feels like. Besides my father's death, it's the most pain I've ever been in.

 

I know nobody's perfect, me included. But I've never cheated and I never will. And if someone is honest and truly remorseful and admits they f*ucked up, I'm the first one to forgive. But that's not what Love2Share is doing. She's flaunting this like it's the best thing that ever happened.

 

But you're right izzybelle, it's her life.

[d'Arthez]

I think Michael put his story up earlier in this thread. It makes a bit understandable why he judges people harshly for involvement into affairs.

 

So it is only natural that you think harshly of each other. All of you should realize that.

 

Whatever our moral views on involvement of affairs, they can seriously mess one up. The same is true for normal relationships. Although the chances seem to be much higher with affairs, than with normal relationships.

[izzybelle]

i know that we all have our experiences that color our view of and reaction to situations. unfortunately, because of the nature of affairs, it seems like those of us on the OW/OM forum tend to get "bashed" more frequently than others. we are, deserved or not, the easy scapegoat for expressions of anger and frustration from those who have been cheated on. and yes, there are those out there who are involved in affairs and choose to stay in them but most of us here are recovering OWs or those trying to get themselves into recovery!

 

and Michael, i apologize for jumping on you for your reaction but what seems to happen so frequently on all these boards is that we generalize, either through our own experiences, or snipits that we read here that "all" people who fit into a certain group (OWs) are the same. and i know that we all know in our hearts that that's not true, but our reactions (and i'm as guilty of it as anyone) sometimes take on the flavor that there's a certain type of person who gets themselves involved in one of these situations.

 

but from all the posts, we all continue to learn, even from those who's views and opinions we don't agree with. and it is good to hear perspectives from all sides. i've learned a lot from reading posts from people who have been cheated on, and i'd like to think that some who have read some of my posts have realized that OWs are not all nasty, husband stealing women. our stories may be silmilar but the situations are complicated and all different simply because of the people involved. and hurt is hurt and i think, for the most part, we're all here to try to deal with our pain and perhaps help others deal with theirs.

 

izzy

[Michael86]

izzybelle,

 

No need to apologize but accepted anyway. One thing I've learned about these boards is that emotions get stirred up and yes, we tend to generalize. My past situations seem to get the better of me sometimes.

 

Have a good night all.

 

Michael