I have given my boyfriend a " deadline" on getting married...and I feel horrible

[scooterb]

I have given my boyfriend a "deadline" on getting married....

 

In some ways I think it was good. I was listening to a program on the radio that was talking about women giving the boyfriend a deadline and was listening to eveneryones story and most of them sounded just like my man. They were men that have given "reasons" as to why it isn't a good time to get married and all of them were the ones that I've heard. Such as ...." It's just not the right time" or " I want us to have a house and be perfect before " blablabla.

 

It will never be perfect. I think that he just doesn't want to grow up. I even brought that up to him and he said makes sense.

 

I don't know...am I being to demanding on this or is this the only way things will move on????

 

I've looked at it this way. He wants to marry me I want to marry him, he wants to wait for the right time, there will never be a "perfect time". So why not say do it now or else.

 

We talked about some more this morning, being as he only has 2 weeks before the time when I say goodbye or get a ring, and he said that he wants to make me happy and yes he does want to get engaged but he doesn't think it's the right time.

 

Yes I'm getting what I want but I still feel like a beast!!

[FireCat]

How long have you 2 been dating?

[Moose]

I think your logic stinks. Giving him a deadline.....come on! "You marry me, or I'm gone", philosphy would've promted me to tell you to take a hike. Because if you think I'd let you tell me when I need to do something, I know it would never work. If you have the desire to spend the rest of your life with him, you'd be patient and wait.

 

He did say the, "right" time, not the, "perfect" time.

[GirlDown]

wow

 

it sounds like you're putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on this guy.

 

2 weeks? geez!

 

give him a break. did you ever think that maybe it really isn't the right time for him? or that he really would prefer to be settled, financially stable? what's wrong with that? even if he is a millionaire, he still may not be ready. these aren't just excuses, they're valid reasons.

 

good luck and i hope it works out, but i think you're setting yourself up for disaster by rushing him.

 

p.s. if you have been together for 10+ years, i take this all back.

[scooterb]

we have been dating for 3 years now.

[scooterb]

I didn't give him 2 weeks it's come down to 2 weeks left from one year to either marry me or move on. I was in a relationship for 4 years and then found out at the end he never erally wanted to get married to me.

 

Now I think that if my bf wan't to marry me he's had enough time to decide whether it will go anywhere or if we should end it and move on.

 

I don't think that that logic "stinks"

[alphamale]

Originally posted by scooterb

We talked about some more this morning, being as he only has 2 weeks before the time when I say goodbye or get a ring, and he said that he wants to make me happy and yes he does want to get engaged but he doesn't think it's the right time.

 

you have good reason to worry, SCOOTERB, cause ultimatums don't work and cause resentment. you will lose eventually. it may be sooner or later but eventually your tactic will backfire.

[FolderWife]

How romantic I wouldn't want to marry someone that I had to force to marry me. Marriage is hard enough without being married to someone who doesn't want to be married.

[savethedrama4allama]

I just don't understand the logic. Marriage is for life. So if it doesn't happen by X time, then you don't want it to happen at all? It doesn't make sense.

[tiki]

Apologize and take it back. Tell him you were acting irrationally.

[scooterb]

Originally posted by tiki

Apologize and take it back. Tell him you were acting irrationally.

 

 

Thanks

[tiki]

You're more likely to get him to come around by acting sweet and talking rationally about it all. But you know that.

 

And next time you give a deadline (AKA ultimatum) give him MORE time than two weeks.

[scooterb]

Originally posted by tiki

You're more likely to get him to come around by acting sweet and talking rationally about it all. But you know that.

 

And next time you give a deadline (AKA ultimatum) give him MORE time than two weeks.

 

 

I gave him a year

[Debster]

The fact that you have had to give him a deadline speaks volumes, IMO.

know of one other person who made an ultimatum and they broke up. Apparently she knew deep down that he wouldn't marry her but needed some 'facts' so to speak to confirm it in her head. I think that deep down, you know that he isn't going to marry you so you are giving yourself the facts to back up what you already believe.

[tiki]

Have you considered finding another man that can commit to you on a life-long basis? Is dude a commitment-phobe? Are the two of you even engaged yet?!

[scooterb]

Originally posted by Debster

The fact that you have had to give him a deadline speaks volumes, IMO.

know of one other person who made an ultimatum and they broke up. Apparently she knew deep down that he wouldn't marry her but needed some 'facts' so to speak to confirm it in her head. I think that deep down, you know that he isn't going to marry you so you are giving yourself the facts to back up what you already believe.

 

 

I did think that he didn't ever want to marry me but when I was saying that before the "deadline" and was leaving him, he started crying and telling me that he loved me and didn't want to end this relationship.

 

I'm confused on that one?!?!?!?!?

[scooterb]

Originally posted by tiki

Have you considered finding another man that can commit to you on a life-long basis? Is dude a commitment-phobe? Are the two of you even engaged yet?!

 

 

Yes I have thought about being with someone else but really I'm very much in-love with this one and i don't think it would be right to move on to someone else...not yet

 

No he said that we will get engaged before 2 weeks is even over and not to worry about it

[FolderWife]

Well, now that I have more information, it kind of makes sense She's looking to settle down, and probably have kids, and a dog, and a morgage, and just start the rest of her life. She needs to know that this guy that she loves isn't wasting her time. So she said that she wants to be engaged and planning a wedding within a year, after being with him for two years.

 

The year is almost up, and he still hasn't proposed, so rather than waste seven years on him, and not getting anywhere (as so many loveshackers past have done) she's making sure that the maximum time that she wastes of her life is three years.

 

That's reasonable in my opinion.

 

But what's more reasonable is realizing that if after three years he hasn't proposed, then he doesn't want to be married within the same time frame as you, so you two obviously have different goals, so you two are obviously not a good match for life partners.

 

I wanted to be married. I was tired of dating. The man I married was ready to settle down, get a house, and be an old married couple. That's what I wanted. Neither of us wanted kids, so that's a good common goal. If you want kids, you shouldn't marry someone who doesn't want kids, right? And vice versa.

 

You two apparently want different things, and no ultimatum is going to change that. If you can settle for giving up your dream, so you can love him longer, then do it. But if he's not worth it, don't give ultimatums..just move on.

[Moose]

And next time you give a deadline (AKA ultimatum) give him MORE time than two weeks.

Ultimatum's don't work. I think they do more damage than good. I also think that too many people make a mistake by giving up on waiting. It's a shame that more people don't have patients, they probably let something wonderful slip right through their fingers........it's also a selfish trait to tell someone you have x amount of time to make me comfortable or get out.

[tiki]

Just make sure if you are handing out ultimatums....that you mean it. It's terrible misleading to be given an ultimatum and for that person to not follow through.

[scooterb]

Originally posted by Moose

Ultimatum's don't work. I think they do more damage than good. I also think that too many people make a mistake by giving up on waiting. It's a shame that more people don't have patients, they probably let something wonderful slip right through their fingers........it's also a selfish trait to tell someone you have x amount of time to make me comfortable or get out.

 

 

Maybe it's a selfish trait to make someone wait 6 or 7 years to get married but when that person decides to leave because they don't want to wait that long the person is crushed and doesn't want them to leave.

[Moose]

What difference does it make if you two love each other? You'd let a time line get in the way? It's just not the right time for him. Geeeez, a woman says I'm not ready and men are suppossed to go ahead and except that, a man says he's not ready and he's accused of not being serious. Give me a break.

[FireCat]

After having been together 3 years, I think it's reasonable to expect an engagement and date set for a wedding...even if the wedding date is out a year.

[Moose]

Originally posted by FireCat

After having been together 3 years, I think it's reasonable to expect an engagement and date set for a wedding...even if the wedding date is out a year.

But if not, tell the guy to take a hike? That doesn't sound reasonable. At all.

[FireCat]

But if not, tell the guy to take a hike? That doesn't sound reasonable. At all.

 

If she wants to get married, have kids, etc. and he doesn't, yes. If he doesn't want to get married, let him find someone who's willing to stay the course without marriage and let her get on with her life finding someone who wants to get married.