I have given my boyfriend a " deadline" on getting married...and I feel horrible

[scooterb]

Originally posted by FireCat

 

 

If she wants to get married, have kids, etc. and he doesn't, yes. If he doesn't want to get married, let him find someone who's willing to stay the course without marriage and let her get on with her life finding someone who wants to get married.

 

 

Thank you!! I don't feel as much of a crazy jerk now.

 

Fact is, maybe this method wouldn't work with some people. But with my bf and I ...it works.

 

He is a man that doesn't want to change and would still probably be in high school if they wouldn't of said to move on.

 

Some people need a little push and that's what he got. I know that when I gave him this choice being as harsh as it was I was confident in his love for me.

[Beth]

Have you asked him to define "right time" to get married? What is it specifically that he is waiting for? Does he have a plan to reach those goals? Is he working toward them? It's not fair to make someone wait forever either because of undefined reasons. Define them -- you may even agree with him and as a couple, you can work toward them.

 

My husband kept putting it off and dancing around the issue and wouldn't talk about it as though it were a real objective. Until we made a plan together. Then he wasn't so afraid of it and I was more confident knowing where we were headed, and approximately when.

 

Talk about EVERYTHING that you expect and EVERYTHING you hope for in a marriage. How you will handle kids, pets, financial set-backs, personal and professional goals, porn, religion, politics, in-laws, your sides of the family, illnesses, how you will celebrate holidays, who would move if one of you had to move for work, spending time alone, how you want to communicate when you need alone time so that the other doesn't take it personally, nail clippings on the floor, lingerie on the shower curtain bar, just everything! Talk about how you were raised and your habits, and how he was raised and his habits.

 

Make it less fearful for both of you.

 

I remember my mom telling me about when she got married to my dad. He just took it for granted that she would make all the kids clothes because HIS mother made all their clothes. My mother doesn't sew. She said that was one HUGE fight they had. Dad thought he was being magnanimous by buying her a sewing machine and sewing lessons. My mom doesn't sew because she doesn't LIKE it. That kind of stuff never came up in conversations before they were married. Talk and Listen to each other. Write stuff down if you need to and compare. My husband opened gifts on Christmas Eve. My family waited until Christmas morning. He was really hurt the first time we had Christmas as a married couple because I felt like I would be let down on Christmas day, and he felt let down on Christmas Eve. That was an easy compromise -- we open some both days. But some things are more difficult.

[SoleMate]

Weeeellllll...it's not good to pressure someone to marry you.

 

Nor is it good for someone to string you along for years, promising that you that one day, marriage will happen. You could waste years of your precious life, "patiently waiting" for the man you love to offer you what your has been craving. It may never happen.

 

I've never been in the situation of wanting to marry someone who didn't want to marry me, but if I were, I would just take it as an indication that we did not want the same things in life, or didn't feel the same about wach other, and move on, without rancor, and with the firm determination that WORDS don't mean nearly as much as ACTIONS.

 

Before I moved on, it would be only courteous to let my beloved know what I was intending. I don't see that as an ultimatum to be spat out in a fury of rage and frustration, but more a simple statement of my probable future behavior. I just can't see waiting years for something like having the "love of my life" be willing to marry me. Something doesn't add up there. Is it possible the male SO is a believer in the "free milk" model of romantic relationships? Or that he is perhaps lazy and inclined to let the woman make all the effort in sustaining and building the r/s?

 

I've seen plenty of posts on LS from men whose SOs DID move on, after waiting 5 - 8 - 10 years for a marriage proposal....and the man "was intending" to get around to it, but didn't see the hurry! And the woman burned up her love for him by waiting quietly, patiently, in silent humility for him to make that offer...and couldn't bleeping take it any more. Once she is gone, he is hammered to the ground with bitter regrets.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Beth

Talk about EVERYTHING that you expect and EVERYTHING you hope for in a marriage. How you will handle kids, pets, financial set-backs, personal and professional goals, porn, religion, politics, in-laws, your sides of the family, illnesses, how you will celebrate holidays, who would move if one of you had to move for work, spending time alone, how you want to communicate when you need alone time so that the other doesn't take it personally, nail clippings on the floor, lingerie on the shower curtain bar, just everything! Talk about how you were raised and your habits, and how he was raised and his habits.

 

the above is a nice thought BETH, but not realistic cause you know as well as I do that once the ink is dry on the marriage license all bets are off.

 

once the union becomes LEGAL then everything changes.

[Debster]

I did think that he didn't ever want to marry me but when I was saying that before the "deadline" and was leaving him, he started crying and telling me that he loved me and didn't want to end this relationship.

 

I'm confused on that one?!?!?!?!?

 

No, IMO you're not confused - you're not listening to your gut.

You knew all along that he didn't want to marry you.

He wants to be with you. He loves you. He may not want to be without you.

But marry you? IMO - he doesn't want to marry you.

 

BEfore I met my husband I dated a guy I was really crazy about and he really, really liked me - but I knew deep down he didn't love me and wouldn't marry me. sure enough, he didn't. My husband told me that in his opinion, a man knows in the first three months whether or not he could see himself marrying this person. They will often stay with someone they know they won't marry because well, it's convenience, it's someone to spend time with, someone to sleep with and someone to take care of you. Who would want to give that up unless they have to?

[Moose]

Originally posted by FireCat

If she wants to get married, have kids, etc. and he doesn't, yes. If he doesn't want to get married, let him find someone who's willing to stay the course without marriage and let her get on with her life finding someone who wants to get married.

Well, that's all fine, sure. He doesn't want to get married, right now. Not at this present time. Maybe he does want to marry her, but like Beth said, define the reasons why he's wanting to wait. Otherwise, you risk breaking it off with someone you truly love, and he truly loves her. They could've had everything together, the house in the burbs, white picket fence, 2.5 kids and the dog. OR, she could do what you all are suggesting, tell the guy forget about it, find someone who wants the same thing, then 10 years later when they find out they weren't made for each other, and only got married because she had a time line, she could wind up divorced, a single mom working 2 jobs to feed her kids.

 

Sometimes people are so blinded with their selfishness, they don't think about the consequences of their actions. All I'm saying is to not look for instant gradification or satifaction, and look at the entire picture. If your boyfriend caves and marries you because you insist he does, you may wind up with someone who feels jailed. I know that if my wife ever, EVER, gave me an ultimatum about ANYTHING, I'd rebel and blow her off. I wouldn't take it serious at all. All an ultimatum is in my mind is an attempt to alter my way of life, and things are perfect the way they are now. I wouldn't be with anyone who thinks they can toy with me by giving me a set of pre determined choices. I do what I want to do, no if's and's or butts.

 

If your boyfriend does cave, I would pity him. He would marry someone who is and shall remain controlling. That's just my opinion. I'm sure you're a sweet girl, and he's probably a nice guy. But you wouldn't want to be forced into something as big as this, for cripes sake, it's a liftime decision.

[ntovrhm]

All I'm saying is to not look for instant gratification or satifaction, and look at the entire picture.

 

I'm not thinking this is situation of "instant gratification" if it has been three years. I would agree that that is plenty of time to know if you will marry someone. If he is saying that it will definitely happen, that is one thing. But it sounds like he may be on the fence.

 

I don't know if I agree with ultimatum or not, but I can understand wanting to know where you stand with someone so that you are not wasting each other's time.

 

On one hand, I would always be wondering if I "forced something" with the other person that he really didn't want. I was engaged before, and after five years broke it off because I knew it wasn't right for me, or him if that's how I felt. Should have been more in tune with my feelings and mature enough to recognize that something wasn't right.

 

Don't know how this relates to this situation, but I know now that if someone asked me, and I don't want to just jump in his arms and say "Yes, yes, YES", it's probably not right to accept.

 

I guess maybe that's the problem with ultimatums, if he isn't out there wanting this as badly as the woman, is that a sign that it isn't right and that she needs to move on? Or are men just prone to want to object to the "concept" of marriage more than woman?

[Moose]

I just think it's natural for women to think in the present tense when men tend to look more towards the future. I've already said I agreed with Beth's idea. Find out why he's wanting to wait. There could be very legitimate reasons that she would actually agree with. Then make a decision. But to give him her choices to marry or take a hike doesn't fly with me. It may for others, but for me I'd be quicker to tell her bug off, she's not worthy of me if she can't come to a compromise suitable for both of us.

[blind_otter]

Huh.

 

If someone did this to me I would run like the WIND!!!!

 

No, really, it is pretty unromantic to um, well basically you are stamping your foot and saying "Do what I saaaaaaay!"

 

I agree with Debster. I know this, from personal experience - I think you know if you'll marry someone within the first say 6 months or so. Course I got married and heinously divorced, so I'm not the world's expert on marriage. But it's just a thought - like he loves you, wants to be with you, but doesn't want to be married. And I think "not being ready" is a VERY legit reason. I'm not ready to be in a LTR right now, and if I was dating someone who say "committ to me or leave!", I would leave.

[scooterb]

I just wanted to update you moose....

 

After listening to everything you had to say and well....maybe not wanting to hear it but knowing it's correct. Thank you.

 

I soaked it all in for the day and when he came home we had a long talk. He is a kind of person that holds things in so it takes forever to get it out of him.

 

Anyway, he does love me and without a doubt in his mind knows I am the one he wants to marry. He did though tell me that the reason of waiting so long was that there are problems at work and being as we live together he didn't want to upset me. So he was planning on getting a new job and then proposing( on his own with no push) within 6 months from now. (SHHHH....it's a secrect ...I'm not suposed to know )

 

I just wanted to say thank you Moose and good advise!!

 

For everyone else...well.....thank God I didn't take your advise that he really didn't love me or want to marry me....I could have lost one of the greatest men in the world!

[Moose]

I can't tell you how happy I am for you. Congrats, and good luck to you!

[scooterb]

I forgot to say that the deadline did work. He had the ring and was going to propose this weekend but i felt it wouldn't be real even though he said that he was wanting to do it. Like soemone had brought up....i want to go through life knowing that it was his time and his choice...no doubts.

 

I guess I don't need a ring to prove that we are together...

 

I'm whooped for life

[FireCat]

Glad to hear things worked out for you.

[brandy21]

Are you sure he wants to eventually get married? Or do you think he is just telling you this because he is afraid to tell you that he isn't sure about making the decision to marry? Maybe he is happy with just dating right now .. and isn't ready to make such a commitment yet. Instead of giving deadlines... maybe try to sit him down and explain to him that you want him to make this commitment because you feel that three years of dating is enough time to be with someone to know if this is the person oyu want to spend the rest of your life with. it's not fare to you if he is telling you he wnats to get married... just not now.. and he really has no intention of doing so... thtas messed up for you because you could be out meeting other people instead of hanging around waiting for this guy to propose when it's never going to happen. Maybe he really does plan on getting married but the thought of settling down for good is just a little scary for him right now.

[LeeLee33]

Just watch out..he sounds like a stringer, he will tell you whatever you want to hear right now, there is no proper time to propose, there will always be financial problems, job, ect....but after 3 years he should know ,its like him walking past a $10 bill on the ground and say oh I'll go back later for it..you know it will be gone, he would risk loosing that $10 So he grabs it, well if you are that important to your BF he would not risk loosing you...

 

I feel for you, because i think you have blinders on...wELL GOOD LUCK , I wouldn't expect a proposal anytime soon, just don't give him too much longer, because you are wasting valuable time for someone who wants to marry you!!!!!!!

You deserved better.

 

good luck