So a husband created a spreadsheet documenting a lack of sex

[sillyanswer]

We're only seeing a tiny snapshot of the story from one point of view (assuming it's even true), but basically I feel sorry for both of them that they're in this situation.

[SmartDude]

There are guys who do EVERYTHING you mentioned and still dont get sex from their wives. There are men and women who go weeks and sometimes months without sex. Stop assuming the husband isnt doing what he needs to do.

 

It is obvious the guy has reached a new level of insanity. All I am saying is that this approach is probably not going to work. He is not really helping the situation.

 

If a guy feels the need to make an excel spreadsheet, documenting when he gets sex, the relationship might be over.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm reading through the facebook comments.

 

So many women are just spouting off "really!? is that all he thinks she is good for!?"

 

And I'm sitting here putting myself in that situation. Seeing the woman I married, the woman I love, and wanting to be intimate with her. Getting shot down again, and again, and again, and again, and again. That really starts to wear on you after a while.

 

Especially when the excuses are utter BS, and are followed by actions that make the excuses worse, proving their invalidity.

 

Her posting it on reddit was pretty pathetic too.

 

I wonder why she would post it on Reddit as well.

 

Doesn't it just say "I reject my husband and he recorded my lame excuses and now I am going to humiliate him by showing everyone"?

 

I have been in a very rejecting relationship and can't understand the damned selfishness of people who are claim to LOVE their partners but can't even look after their needs once in awhile.

 

Like even if his wife was "gross and sweaty" can't she go take a freaking shower? Are her hands full? She can't even jerk the guy off?

 

Heck, she could multi-task! Go hit the shower and screw him, or at least use some products and jerk him off. And really, if necessary bring a tablet in and watch the damn Friends re-run while you are at it. Jeez.

 

as a woman who has had a failed marriage and now failed relationships it drives me nutz that she doesn't realise how many of us would killed to be desired.

 

AMEN

 

EXACTLY.

 

And whats unnerving for me is all the women commenting on various sites about this story, casting judgment on the man. Its not all of the women, but definitely a lot. I know for a FACT that their tune would change if it was themselves or the wife dealing with being sexual rejection 90% of the time by their husband.

 

Some of the men and women bashing the husband dont seem to realize how damaging constant rejecting is to someone's self esteem and how it damages their love for their partner. Intimacy is important to ANY relationship...and being rejected physically, emotionally, or mentally, takes its toll.

 

AMEN

 

I find the whole notion ridiculous. I didn't read the comments section but from the viewpoints about the comments section I just don't frigging get people.

 

Looking after a partner's sexual desire is not like folding clothes or sweeping the basement. It's enjoyable. It's at least "tolerable." Jeepers. Why would someone marry someone that they can't even stand to intimately touch at least a couple times a week?

[jackslife]

Kaylan: You are absolutely right to be cynical about marriage. The biggest con perpetrated on men ever!

 

A guy rarely meets a girl and says I want to get married! But the relationship has to move forward to survive. Once you start dating you have two choices. Split up or 'the next step'. Since the guy is happy enough generally with his lot, each time he has a choice he picks 'the next step', so you move in, get engaged, get married, have babies, then your wondering where your life and all the sex went...

 

Getting engaged is a funny one, for a lot of guys it's a stalling tactic, for a woman it's time to start planning the big day. Once you are on the tracks of a steady relationship, you de-rail the train or keep going.

 

I honestly only got married because my wife was pregnant with my son and I wanted him raised by married parents. But if we split I'd never get married again. Ever! Even if I let a woman move in, I'd charge her rent and keep her name off the deeds.

 

PS Kaylan - sorry mate but one day you will get married. We all get trapped at some point. (even Gays are getting caught now and if they can't escape no one can)

[kaylan]

The original reddit thread had a link to another sub reddit for people dealing with lack of physical intimacy in marriage.

 

/r/DeadBedrooms - There's only one Love Language, those other four things are *Like* Languages

 

Why stay in such depressing relationships and marriages? Why marry at all?

 

Seems to me that sex just dies after you cement a commitment in any way. And tbh, while there are some women in that sub-reddit complaining about their men not satisfying their needs, it does seem to be mostly men not getting any sex from their wives and gfs. Which is really expected...as any time I hear a story about a stale sex life, I can always guess that 85% of the time, its the woman without any desire for it.

 

It just seems to me that more women than not, just simply have low drives or dont enjoy sex. With all the stories I read online, and from people I speak to, it just seems like most women cant be bothered when it comes to sex. Biology was cruel when male and female libidos were figured out.

 

But it seems like dudes cant win....youll get a bad wrap for dating around and not marrying as you get older....but youll also get a bad wrap if you complain about your sex life during marriage. Sex isnt everything, but sex with someone you love sure means a lot.

Edited July 22, 2014 by kaylan

[jackslife]

Why are women so happy on their wedding day?

 

Because they know they'll never have to give another BJ.

[ThaWholigan]

Empathize with the man, and I do feel sorry for the woman too. An excel spreadsheet is a touch too dramatic for me.

 

I think if this adds weight to a theory, its probably the one that women don't necessarily marry men they are most sexually attracted to. But that's just a theory, of course.....

[SummerDreams]

Why stay in such depressing relationships and marriages? Why marry at all?

 

 

This question is similar to saying "Why people would prefer to stay at home while they can go out?". Obviously cause there's something satisfying they find in the house, in the marriage etc. If your opinion and mentality is that without an extraordinary sex life a relationship can't exist, then you are right, you are not made for marriage. But let others decide for themselves if they are made for it and willing to do the sacrifices.

[oldshirt]

I haven't read the posts so they may already have been addressed but he is hitting her up for sex every single day.

 

 

They are doing it about weekly so it's not like this is a sexless marriage or that he is living a life of rejection and despair.

 

 

The fact that he is hitting her up every single day is giving her reason to be lazy and complacent and I can't say that I completely blame her. She knows that if she is not completely, 100% in the mood today or there is a smidgeon of dirt under his fingernails or her hair is a bit messed up, that he will be right there offering it up the next day.

 

 

This is analogous to the rat pushing the lever for a pellet of food. if the rat gets a pellet of food every single time it pushes the lever, it will only push the lever when it is actually hungry because it feels secure that it will be fed whenever he wants.

 

 

If the rat never gets food when it pushes it lever, it will stop pushing it because he knows it will be futile.

 

 

It the rat gets food at a regular seguence of pushing the lever (it gets a pellet of food on every 5th push of the lever) it will push the lever that sequence of times when it is hungry.

 

 

However, if the food comes at irregular and unpredictable intervals, the rat will sit there and push the lever all the frick'n time because it knows that food comes when it's pushing the lever but doesn't know when or even if his next meal is coming so he sits there and pushes the lever all the time.....

[joystickd]

If he is meeting her need and she isn't reciprocating then he needs to communicate it and if it ain't happening then he needs to move on. A spreadsheet is just too much.

[joystickd]

Empathize with the man, and I do feel sorry for the woman too. An excel spreadsheet is a touch too dramatic for me.

 

I think if this adds weight to a theory, its probably the one that women don't necessarily marry men they are most sexually attracted to. But that's just a theory, of course.....

 

No man wants to be the platonic husband

[oldshirt]

.....so this dude needs to do a statistical analysis of his own statistics. He is stuck somewhere between a rat getting the reward for each 7th day of hitting on her and getting the random and unpredictable reward so he is hitting on her every frick'n day,

[oldshirt]

I haven't read the posts so they may already have been addressed but he is hitting her up for sex every single day.

 

 

They are doing it about weekly so it's not like this is a sexless marriage or that he is living a life of rejection and despair.

 

 

The fact that he is hitting her up every single day is giving her reason to be lazy and complacent and I can't say that I completely blame her. She knows that if she is not completely, 100% in the mood today or there is a smidgeon of dirt under his fingernails or her hair is a bit messed up, that he will be right there offering it up the next day.

 

 

This is analogous to the rat pushing the lever for a pellet of food. if the rat gets a pellet of food every single time it pushes the lever, it will only push the lever when it is actually hungry because it feels secure that it will be fed whenever he wants.

 

 

If the rat never gets food when it pushes it lever, it will stop pushing it because he knows it will be futile.

 

 

It the rat gets food at a regular seguence of pushing the lever (it gets a pellet of food on every 5th push of the lever) it will push the lever that sequence of times when it is hungry.

 

 

However, if the food comes at irregular and unpredictable intervals, the rat will sit there and push the lever all the frick'n time because it knows that food comes when it's pushing the lever but doesn't know when or even if his next meal is coming so he sits there and pushes the lever all the time.....

 

 

 

... so this dude needs to do some statistical analysis on his own data.

 

 

She is putting out approx weekly, but he is hitting on her every single day including the very next day after they had sex. He is acting like the rat pushing the bar all the time because he's not sure of when his next meal is coming from.

 

 

He is seeing it as random and unpredictable and so he just keeps pushing that bar. Or he is seeing it as he has to push the bar for six days in a row before he gets the reward on the 7th.

 

 

If he was on this site posting this spreadsheet, my recommendation would be for him to stop hitting on her every day and see what she does. The first week or two she'll do nothing and they won't have sex because she's expecting him to hit on her every day and is confident he'll be there knocking at her vagina door.

 

 

Give her a dry spell to where she wonders what is up, and then only hit on her at random and unpredictable intervals that are all over a week or more in length.

 

 

My prediction is in time, his batting average would go from about 10% to well over 90% and the actual amount of sex that they would be having would be relatively the same.

 

 

From the spreadsheet it appears that her sexual thermostat setting is about once a week to week and a half. She can now afford to reject him six days a week because she knows if she rejects him today, he'll be right back begging for more the next time. She can put out at her leisure.

 

 

But if he cuts her off for a period of time until she feels it, and then only approaches her at random and irregular intervals, it will recondition her to realize if she wants some loving, she better take it, even if a rerun of Friends is on.

[ThaWholigan]

... so this dude needs to do some statistical analysis on his own data.

 

 

She is putting out approx weekly, but he is hitting on her every single day including the very next day after they had sex. He is acting like the rat pushing the bar all the time because he's not sure of when his next meal is coming from.

 

 

He is seeing it as random and unpredictable and so he just keeps pushing that bar. Or he is seeing it as he has to push the bar for six days in a row before he gets the reward on the 7th.

 

 

If he was on this site posting this spreadsheet, my recommendation would be for him to stop hitting on her every day and see what she does. The first week or two she'll do nothing and they won't have sex because she's expecting him to hit on her every day and is confident he'll be there knocking at her vagina door.

 

 

Give her a dry spell to where she wonders what is up, and then only hit on her at random and unpredictable intervals that are all over a week or more in length.

 

 

My prediction is in time, his batting average would go from about 10% to well over 90% and the actual amount of sex that they would be having would be relatively the same.

 

 

From the spreadsheet it appears that her sexual thermostat setting is about once a week to week and a half. She can now afford to reject him six days a week because she knows if she rejects him today, he'll be right back begging for more the next time. She can put out at her leisure.

 

 

But if he cuts her off for a period of time until she feels it, and then only approaches her at random and irregular intervals, it will recondition her to realize if she wants some loving, she better take it, even if a rerun of Friends is on.

Basically building tension and anticipation. I've noticed that when you frustrate a woman like that, they get crazy horny (probably not all, but a good portion of women). Playing with the dynamics like that can produce the kind of effect a spreadsheet of sexual frustration will not .

[salparadise]

If your opinion and mentality is that without an extraordinary sex life a relationship can't exist, then you are right, you are not made for marriage. But let others decide for themselves if they are made for it and willing to do the sacrifices.

 

Of course a relationship can exist without an extraordinary sex life, and some people are even happy in such relationships. But marriage is presumed to include regular sex, ideally with enthusiasm. If one person is not at least willing to make the effort... yea, that's an actual problem, not imaginary or selfish.

 

I don't think anyone is going to say that the way the guy handled it was optimal. Having one month documented wherein sex occurred [only] three times is a bit thin as it's understandable to have a slow month from time to time. There is also the question of what is normal for this couple––if he was showing six months or a year of a pattern that deviates greatly from their established norm it would seem more credible.

 

The thing that strikes me is the variety of small excuses she uses, apparently with the expectation that any little excuse should be good enough on her end... while the larger issue of making a sincere effort to meet each other's needs is not acknowledged. In this regard I think his complaint is valid. He has expressed his frustration effectively. Then she tightens antagonism by attacking the method and airing her outrage on a public forum in an effort to make him look foolish. If she gave a flip about her marriage, the rational thing to do would be to deescalate and acknowledge that his needs are more important than showers or tv shows.

[SummerDreams]

Basically building tension and anticipation. I've noticed that when you frustrate a woman like that, they get crazy horny (probably not all, but a good portion of women). Playing with the dynamics like that can produce the kind of effect a spreadsheet of sexual frustration will not .

 

I don't disagree that it may work, but this should come as a last solution after trying to find out what is going on and why your wife has lost her sex drive or she is not in a good mood for sex anymore, given that this is the case, meaning that this is a new situation that happened suddenly. After you've ruled out all possible reasons, then you can advance to this technique.

 

Men tend to forget that women are COMPLICATED creatures, both on their thinking and their acting. This translates most of the time to their sex life as well. A man is able to possibly forget about a problem when he wants to have sex, when this is not the case for most women. That's why I suggested the key which is communication.

[kaylan]

I haven't read the posts so they may already have been addressed but he is hitting her up for sex every single day.

 

 

They are doing it about weekly so it's not like this is a sexless marriage or that he is living a life of rejection and despair.

 

 

The fact that he is hitting her up every single day is giving her reason to be lazy and complacent and I can't say that I completely blame her. She knows that if she is not completely, 100% in the mood today or there is a smidgeon of dirt under his fingernails or her hair is a bit messed up, that he will be right there offering it up the next day.

 

 

This is analogous to the rat pushing the lever for a pellet of food. if the rat gets a pellet of food every single time it pushes the lever, it will only push the lever when it is actually hungry because it feels secure that it will be fed whenever he wants.

 

 

If the rat never gets food when it pushes it lever, it will stop pushing it because he knows it will be futile.

 

 

It the rat gets food at a regular seguence of pushing the lever (it gets a pellet of food on every 5th push of the lever) it will push the lever that sequence of times when it is hungry.

 

 

However, if the food comes at irregular and unpredictable intervals, the rat will sit there and push the lever all the frick'n time because it knows that food comes when it's pushing the lever but doesn't know when or even if his next meal is coming so he sits there and pushes the lever all the time.....

Weekly? More like maybe every 2 weeks or more. A spouse who barely gets sex will ask daily if their needs arent being met. And then soon they wont ask at all.

I don't disagree that it may work, but this should come as a last solution after trying to find out what is going on and why your wife has lost her sex drive or she is not in a good mood for sex anymore, given that this is the case, meaning that this is a new situation that happened suddenly. After you've ruled out all possible reasons, then you can advance to this technique.

 

Men tend to forget that women are COMPLICATED creatures, both on their thinking and their acting. This translates most of the time to their sex life as well. A man is able to possibly forget about a problem when he wants to have sex, when this is not the case for most women. That's why I suggested the key which is communication.

Complicated? Hardly.

 

A woman who finds a man sexy wont have these problems making love. I dunno...the last two women I slept with were insanely into my body and said theyd never been with a guy in shape like I was. They didnt seem too complicated to get in the mood. It was as simple as me kissing them and them taking my shirt off. Im being serious too.

 

Wholigan has a point. A lot of women (and men), simply settle on their partner. And much of the time they settle for someone they have little chemistry with. Thankfully more men are waking up and learning to look out for women who will sneak them into a sexless marriage.

Edited July 22, 2014 by kaylan

[Emilia]

Thankfully more men are waking up and learning to look out for women who will sneak them into a sexless marriage.

listen to yourself. You think women do this on purpose? 'Damn I must get this guy into a sexless marriage.'

[kaylan]

listen to yourself. You think women do this on purpose? 'Damn I must get this guy into a sexless marriage.'

I think some women purposefully settle for a man they have no chemistry or passion with. Thats selfish within itself. I think many of these women know they were never much into their man, but they try to act like they are into it until they get the ring.

 

I wouldnt marry a woman I wasnt crazy about in all areas of a relationship. I wouldnt want to sell myself short or sell her short. Why rob her or myself of a good fulfilling and passionate partnership?

[Emilia]

I think some women purposefully settle for a man they have no chemistry or passion with. Thats selfish within itself.

Yeah! The harlots! They settle down with men they have no chemistry or passion with on purpose to have a miserable life together!

[Keenly]

listen to yourself. You think women do this on purpose? 'Damn I must get this guy into a sexless marriage.'

 

Intentions do not matter. Results matter.

[kaylan]

Yeah! The harlots! They settle down with men they have no chemistry or passion with on purpose to have a miserable life together!

Im just saying they are misguided and mostly are thinking mostly what they want. Theres not much forethought and regard about how their partner might be better off with a spouse that is truly attracted to them and feels passionate about them.

 

And actually, I have a friend whos very much a woman that loves sex...and through our talks, Ive thought about whether I would do anything with her. But because Im not as attracted to her as I feel I should be, I dont cross that line with us. I cannot understand why other people dont do the same thing. Why go consistently through sleeping someone you are not really attracted to.

 

Because eventually it leads to no sex at all.

[Emilia]

Im just saying they are misguided and mostly are thinking mostly what they want. Theres not much forethought and regard about how their partner might be better off with a spouse that is truly attracted to them and feels passionate about them.

 

And actually, I have a friend whos very much a woman that loves sex...and through our talks, Ive thought about whether I would do anything with her. But because Im not as attracted to her as I feel I should be, I dont cross that line with us. I cannot understand why other people dont do the same thing. Why go consistently through sleeping someone you are not really attracted to.

 

Because eventually it leads to no sex at all.

That's because not everyone spends their lives on LoveShack.org: Interpersonal Relationship Advice and Assistance Center - Love and dating advice, platonic relationships, and more. discussing sexless marriages, that's why. Believe it or not, there are billions of people out there who don't know that a large % of marriages become sexless and that sexual compatibility is very important.

[man_in_the_box]

Also because it's completely unrealistic to plan that far ahead - there is no guarantee you'll find someone that will put in the exact amount of sexual effort you're expecting from him/her. It will always be a matter of playing the odds - counting on 'hot' chemistry is definitely not a solution since its temporary. I'd say that having someone who cares about your well-being gives you better chances of finding a LTR that's sexually full-filling than chemistry since it doesn't revolve around individual desires.

[hotpotato]

Yeah! The harlots! They settle down with men they have no chemistry or passion with on purpose to have a miserable life together!

 

Hmm but I thought women were supposed to settle for guys they arent passionate about or all that attracted to. Whats a girl to do???