So a husband created a spreadsheet documenting a lack of sex

[sillyanswer]

Let's see...

 

He makes spreadsheet so he can keep score

 

sends it to wife

 

ignores her

 

Hmmm...

 

 

 

Yes, do go on.

[hotpotato]

Yes, do go on.

 

Just because he's not having as much sex as he wants, does't mean he can't be the bad guy... In reality both of them are misbehaving.

 

I've been in his position. Being mean doesn't help.

[Keenly]

Let's see...

 

He makes spreadsheet so he can keep score

 

sends it to wife

 

ignores her

 

Hmmm...

 

We don't know what his motivation was to make the spreadsheet. You say its to keep score, which would be petty, but I think its more than that.

 

 

I have a feeling it plays out like this. He brings up how the don't really have sex any kre. She responds with something like sure we do. He brings up how she always turns him down and makes excuses, and she denies it. He then says okay, I'll prove it to you.

 

 

 

At least that's the only way I can rationalize why he made the spreadsheet.

 

 

 

But then again... is there really something wrong with using numbers to back up feelings? Facts to back up emotions?

[hotpotato]

We don't know what his motivation was to make the spreadsheet. You say its to keep score, which would be petty, but I think its more than that.

 

 

I have a feeling it plays out like this. He brings up how the don't really have sex any kre. She responds with something like sure we do. He brings up how she always turns him down and makes excuses, and she denies it. He then says okay, I'll prove it to you.

 

 

 

At least that's the only way I can rationalize why he made the spreadsheet.

 

 

 

But then again... is there really something wrong with using numbers to back up feelings? Facts to back up emotions?

 

Making a spreadsheet like he did is petty.

If it's to that point, it's best to let it go, let it go.

[sillyanswer]

But then again... is there really something wrong with using numbers to back up feelings? Facts to back up emotions?

 

It would be great to have facts to back up an adult discussion about a relationship problem... but from what we've been told they don't seem to be having that adult discussion.

[hotpotato]

It would be great to have facts to back up an adult discussion about a relationship problem... but from what we've been told they don't seem to be having that adult discussion.

 

Right. If their communication were any worse, they'd be calling each other doody head. It doesn't get much worse than this.

[hotpotato]

I nearly made a notebook to keep tabs on my lying ex. He would say derogatory things about me or say sexual things about other women while avoiding sex. I Once he said he was tired of my body. Then he would spend hours on the internet searching for other women to screw. He even feigned an illness to get out of having sex with me. He would change history which made it difficult to have an honest discussion. I never did it (although I recorded his behavior in other ways). I was further entangling myself into his problem, trying to control control control something I couldn't. It's tempting to try to shame or blame someone to act a certain way, but that's no way to live. Let it go, let it go.

[hotpotato]

Why is it petty? If he documented everything accurately, it actually gives them an accurate basis for discussion and makes clear the problem in a way that has the potential or free the discussion from emotional overload. If she actually looked at the month to see that she only accepted his advances three times during the whole month, it actually could provide a way to start discussing the problem rationally.

 

Because I've done something similar. This is nothing more than a petty, stupid exercise in finger pointing. As someone who's been there and done that, this most likely will not help communication. It might get him some silent treatment.

 

We're talking about a woman who doesn't take a shower so she can avoid sex. That's not someone thinking rationally. If you pull out documentation, that still isn't going to make them act or think rationally.

 

My ex would eat too much, be tired, drink too much, feign illness to get out of sex with me. You can't be rational with that kind of person.

[rewl]

But then again... is there really something wrong with using numbers to back up feelings? Facts to back up emotions?

Women don't work with facts though, it's based on emotion mainly. That's why you can't ever win an argument with a chick. The winner of the argument will not be the one with the facts, it will be the more emotional one and/or the loudest one.

[sillyanswer]

Right. If their communication were any worse, they'd be calling each other doody head. It doesn't get much worse than this.

 

I'm waiting for his response in the form of a Youtube video (but hopefully he's more classy and he'll just file for divorce).

[joystickd]

I'm waiting for his response in the form of a Youtube video (but hopefully he's more classy and he'll just file for divorce).

He needs to end it just in a way so she can't use this as a story to make him the bad guy. She getting the D somewhere else. Anyone can see that.

http://www.killthehydra.com/wp-content/uploads/stevie-wonder-see-what-you-did-there1.jpg

[sillyanswer]

He needs to end it just in a way so she can't use this as a story to make him the bad guy.

 

Then he should just cite her unreasonable behaviour (publishing details of their marital problems on the internet) as the reason for the divorce when he files. Assuming that's an option in his jurisdiction.

[kaylan]

Funny how a spreadsheet is petty documentation....but would people be saying the same thing if it was a letter that contained many of the same dates and excuses given by the wife? I also think women wouldnt be bashing the spreadsheet so much if the wife had created it due to lack of sex.

Because I've done something similar. This is nothing more than a petty, stupid exercise in finger pointing. As someone who's been there and done that, this most likely will not help communication. It might get him some silent treatment.

 

We're talking about a woman who doesn't take a shower so she can avoid sex. That's not someone thinking rationally. If you pull out documentation, that still isn't going to make them act or think rationally.

 

My ex would eat too much, be tired, drink too much, feign illness to get out of sex with me. You can't be rational with that kind of person.

This woman also uses the excuse of "I just showered". I just dont think this woman was ever that into him and is possibly getting some on the side. Trips away from home? Long work hours? Declining marital sex life? The writing is on the wall.

 

And I doubt barely any of the women commenting on websites carrying this story would apologize to the man about what they said, if it turns out his wife was having an affair.

Edited July 23, 2014 by kaylan

[hotpotato]

So be wise when you did it, you were fueled by emotion and the desire to finger point, it means that he must have been too?

 

Because I could see an intelligent and frustrated man doing so to be sure that his perceptions of the number are correct, and placing it so that she can see the number.

 

I mean, if I were the wife, I would probably have a flash of annoyance, but then I can't see any thing but that I would then be chastened by how often I was denying my husband.

 

And then I think I would try and discuss with him rationally and figure out a way.

 

Yes, hes finger pointing. The purpose of the speadsheet is to blame her and rub her nose in it. Why else go through the effort? His behavior is just making this worse. It didnt sound from the article that she was sexually aroused by his behavior. Im willing to bet she know they go weeks without sex and she comes up with excuses and creates barriers to avoid sex. Of all things, he goes and makes a spreadsheet, as if keeping tally will change her behavior.

 

Once again we are talking about someone who will not take a shower in order to be gross. Thats not rational. Why do you assume she will be rational as you believe you would be?

[kaylan]

Yes, hes finger pointing. The purpose of the speadsheet is to blame her and rub her nose in it. Why else go through the effort? His behavior is just making this worse. It didnt sound from the article that she was sexually aroused by his behavior. Im willing to bet she know they go weeks without sex and she comes up with excuses and creates barriers to avoid sex. Of all things, he goes and makes a spreadsheet, as if keeping tally will change her behavior.

 

Once again we are talking about someone who will not take a shower in order to be gross. Thats not rational. Why do you assume she will be rational as you believe you would be?

Please read some of those stories in the deadbedroom sub-reddit. Sometimes people have really no way to make their spouse see theres a problem. I can see why someone would use a spreadsheet to highlight the lack of intimacy if their partner refuses to acknowledge whats going on.

[Giggle]

My experience.. I pretty much completely stopped having sex with my stbx after he completely betrayed my trust. First it just slowed way down, and then completely stopped. We didn't have sex for a year as I tried to work through my feelings. I refused to let him touch me because he could turn me on. After that year, things got a little better but it was once a month.. When my hormones raged and he took advantage of the fact that he could turn me on his behavior and lying though destroyed my feelings for him, having no respect for him.. I had no desire for him. He claimed to be fine with the lack of affection and sex because he loved me so. I'm awesome telling him that I had nothing for him and he deserved more didn't make a dent.

 

Lack of trust and respect killed my desire to have sex with him. And I reaaally like sex.

My ex was content with twice a month. I pretty much stopped trying to have more, it was too depressing.

[hotpotato]

Please read some of those stories in the deadbedroom sub-reddit. Sometimes people have really no way to make their spouse see theres a problem. I can see why someone would use a spreadsheet to highlight the lack of intimacy if their partner refuses to acknowledge whats going on.

 

How is that spreadsheet working for him?

[hotpotato]

Easy.

 

Because the behavior may be perfectly rational. If she is having a health problem affecting her energy levels and making it difficult, showering itself may be difficult. And she may be hanging onto the workouts desperately hoping they give her energy.

 

There is not enough evidence to say one way or the other that her behavior is truly rational or irrational. You say he did it to rub her nose in it, however I know three men who very well, given the circumstances, might honestly try that as an approach to the issue that is non standard and might be more likely to work, rather than an underhanded attempt to rub their nose in it.

 

Of course, one is an INTJ and the others are both INTP's. :-). Make of that what you will. But I do think that you are prematurely leaping to conclusions as to the cause.

 

And you never know, perhaps he's a researcher...anything is a question to be investigated.

 

Anything. :-)

 

Ok. Ive btdt but ok.

If youre too full to have sex, dont eat so much. Feel sweaty and gross? Take a shower. Very simple and rational.

 

If you have friends who would hypothetically do this, well, their probably not getting laid for a reason. Expecting people to act rationally when it comes to love and sex is folly.

 

 

Yes, I am one of those IN personality types.

 

Everyone has already said this is speculation. No one here is a fly on the wall. We have already acknowledged that she is giving excuses and there is some underlying issue.

[hotpotato]

I'm waiting for his response in the form of a Youtube video (but hopefully he's more classy and he'll just file for divorce).

 

Maybe we will get sone juicy tweets and an episode of Divorce Court

 

 

Lets be real this wont end well.

[joystickd]

[Fitguyinfl]

His passive-aggressive behavior was a turnoff and part of the problem.

[hotpotato]

His passive-aggressive behavior was a turnoff and part of the problem.

 

Yep! This guy gets it!

[kaylan]

How is that spreadsheet working for him?

The relationship was far gone to begin with. I see nothing wrong with him spelling out how bad things are to his wife. He has likely checked out of the relationship by now. I know I would have. Id be divorcing a woman who denied us intimacy and didnt seek to fix things. Tv shows and food over intimate moments with me? Next.

 

And Ill make sure any woman getting serious with me knows how I feel about these things. It wont matter to me how long we are together or if we have kids either. I wont turn into these spouses who live depressing lives for months and years on end. Sometimes its best to cut the cord.

His passive-aggressive behavior was a turnoff and part of the problem.

And her behavior is a turn off as well. Does she expect her husband to be so romantic and a turn on with the way she destroys his confidence and closeness to her?

Edited July 23, 2014 by kaylan

[clia]

What if she just has a lower sex drive than her husband? I'm confused as to why she has to make the sacrifice and have sex every day if she isn't in the mood. Why can't he make the sacrifice and meet her drive? Why is it all her fault? Who says she is the "abnormal" one?

[kaylan]

What if she just has a lower sex drive than her husband? I'm confused as to why she has to make the sacrifice and have sex every day if she isn't in the mood. Why can't he make the sacrifice and meet her drive? Why is it all her fault? Who says she is the "abnormal" one?

No one has to sacrifice and live miserably. They can simply divorce and realize they are incompatible. The problem with the low drive issues a lot of the times, is that the low drive person will sort of "fool" their partner into thinking a certain frequency of sex is the norm. And then once the relationship gets comfortable, they stop having much sex all together.

 

Ive seen these stories time and time again. Its much better to simply be upfront about who you are in the beginning.