So a husband created a spreadsheet documenting a lack of sex

[Mysterio]

The thing I don't get is that if the couple splits. When the Man finds a new woman. He is going to be having sex with her. What does the woman do. If she meets a new man. Not have sex? Sex is the defining factor of if a couple are friends or lovers.

 

I know that who ever I end up with. Not having sex on a regular basis is non relationship for me. I think 3 times a week is reasonable. Sex puts you and your partner in a good mood. So Why nix it. Its like why else have an intimate relationship without physical affection?

[hotpotato]

It may actually be better to not have sex than to have sex with a partner who isnt interested.

Yes, im a female who has btdt.

[Keenly]

Asking less is not going to solve the problem. Or help in any way. It's just going to make him more unhappy.

 

 

Sure, she will be happy because she doesn't have to make up more excuses, but that does not help him at all.

[central]

Given the media attention, I hope there's a followup on the outcome. I think this was an exit move on his part.

[joystickd]

Oh please. Twerking spreadsheets? Really? What, number of upward hip thrust per minute? Ratio of hip subdivisions to bpm's?

 

Yeah and a line graph lol

[serial muse]

My first post showed up. Yay.

 

Enjoy the rainbow-cake recipe.

 

I laughed till I cried.

[dreamingoftigers]

Darn.

 

Apparently this means my spouse is a female.

 

I wonder how I'll break the news to him.

 

In other news, I must be male. I've really got to rethink my wardrobe.

 

Sigh.

Unfortunately, I don't have to rethink my wardrobe much.

But, I hear you.

[hotpotato]

Asking less is not going to solve the problem. Or help in any way. It's just going to make him more unhappy.

 

 

Sure, she will be happy because she doesn't have to make up more excuses, but that does not help him at all.

 

Yes, it will help. Hes on frustrating himself by asking so much. He needs to give her space.

 

Once again, this is coming from someone who has been in his situation.

[Candy_Pants]

Yes, it will help. Hes on frustrating himself by asking so much. He needs to give her space.

 

Once again, this is coming from someone who has been in his situation.

 

For me it got so embarrassing to keep asking. I tried nonverbal ways most of the time. Then I tried some things I don't recommend nor am I proud of. Then I just got sick of it and dumped him to have sex with a man who truly desired me.

[hotpotato]

For me it got so embarrassing to keep asking. I tried nonverbal ways most of the time. Then I tried some things I don't recommend nor am I proud of. Then I just got sick of it and dumped him to have sex with a man who truly desired me.

 

Yup.

 

I too tried everything. The only thing that made him have sex with me was threatening to take care of myself. Even then, sex was horrible. I figured id just go elsewhere instead.

 

He was having sex with other women, taking care of himself for hours a day, and left nothing for me. He was always too tired/ drunk/full to have sex with me. He even pretended to be sick.

 

I told him to change or id start sleeping with other men. He called my bluff, so to speak.

[Candy_Pants]

I would just encourage him to go drinking with his friends and hope he came home just drunk enough that sex was a possibility but not so drunk he was pissing on our appliances.

[pteromom]

The thing I don't get is that if the couple splits. When the Man finds a new woman. He is going to be having sex with her. What does the woman do. If she meets a new man. Not have sex? Sex is the defining factor of if a couple are friends or lovers.

 

For YOU. Not for everyone. There are asexual people of both genders. And there are people of both genders who don't really prioritize sex.

 

I know that who ever I end up with. Not having sex on a regular basis is non relationship for me. I think 3 times a week is reasonable. Sex puts you and your partner in a good mood. So Why nix it. Its like why else have an intimate relationship without physical affection?

 

Sex doesn't necessarily put someone in a good mood. There are so many complexities in sexual expression. Quantity, quality, what acts someone does or doesn't want to do, the reaction of the partner when they don't want to do something... not to mention that what goes on outside the bedroom directly affects what goes on inside it.

 

It isn't as simple as "sex feels good so let's do it at least 3 times a week."

[ascendotum]

For me it got so embarrassing to keep asking. I tried nonverbal ways most of the time. Then I tried some things I don't recommend nor am I proud of. Then I just got sick of it and dumped him to have sex with a man who truly desired me.

The woman I am dating now came out of a sexless marriage. The guy got absorbed in work, and thought he was being a good father & provider in doing so. He didn't talk about his feelings so it was hard for her to know what was going on inside his head. She bought an assortment of sex gadgets, sexy lingerie & kinky gear (ie naughty nurse), offered anything goes sex acts, lost weight, brought in an extra woman for 3somes, offered him options for them both to have affairs, told him to back off on work, told him to get his hormone levels checked. They both would read in bed then fall asleep on their own side. She was painted as the home wrecker. The kid is fine and understands. She might as well as had affairs. She is really horny so I don't quite know how she did it. I think her libido just went into hibernation made.

 

It can definitely happen both ways, but I do hear a lot more unhappy men stories and a survey I saw recently seemed backed that up. It was annoying reading some of those nasty posts from women (and a couple of men) on the forum. There would be a shyte storm if those responses were cut + pasted in response to threads on here where the woman is complaining her bf is not initiating sex that much and is unhappy/annoyed.

Edited July 26, 2014 by ascendotum

[SpiralOut]

I have been in the woman's situation. Why did I stop sleeping with him? He did things I didn't like in bed and wouldn't stop doing them when I told him so. I told him what I did like, and he ignored me. Didn't do anything I liked. He was lousy in bed. No, he was beyond lousy; he didn't care what I liked and got mad whenever I tried to talk to him. He complained constantly about me not sleeping with him, so I told him what would put me in the mood, but he didn't do it, then he complained. He also refused to open up emotionally, which left me feeling totally distant, cut-off, and not a part of his life even though I saw him every day. No matter how many times I tried to talk to him about it, I just hit a wall.

 

I'm impressed this guy managed to put together a worksheet. He's got more brains than my ex, that's for sure. Still, it's impossible to say if he's acting like a lousy selfish lover or if he's trying his best to no avail.

Edited July 26, 2014 by SpiralOut

[Ninjainpajamas]

For YOU. Not for everyone. There are asexual people of both genders. And there are people of both genders who don't really prioritize sex.

 

 

 

Sex doesn't necessarily put someone in a good mood. There are so many complexities in sexual expression. Quantity, quality, what acts someone does or doesn't want to do, the reaction of the partner when they don't want to do something... not to mention that what goes on outside the bedroom directly affects what goes on inside it.

 

It isn't as simple as "sex feels good so let's do it at least 3 times a week."

 

People who are asexual are boring romantically IMO and should be with like minded people, not that they're all truly "asexual" it's just an exaggeration or excuse to basically not have sex for whatever reason, a reason they will likely not express or even be aware of. The problem is often times these people "insist" that because they do NOT have the desire it shouldn't be a problem and they somehow deserve the right to impose that on their partner and affect their romantic relationship and that should be "ok". Like nope, nothing should change, no major problems on this side! what's good enough for me should be good enough for you.

 

I don't understand how that can be decided however by one person, especially mid-marriage AFTER you've gotten married and went through the entire dating process where from speaking with many married men seems to be where the drop-off "suddenly" occurs. The sex life could have been remarkably different at one point/stage of the relationship and it usually is, but here's what men don't understand.

 

Nothing in particular HAS TO happen or change in the relationship for you to experience this, and nobody just becomes "asexual". You did not have to anything wrong, it does not mean you are a neglectful person/husband/father or whatever. It is not always your fault, or has anything to do with you, don't let the woman blame you for sh** you didn't do or cause just because she doesn't want to take responsibility for her own sh**. She changed, something in her changed, and you didn't have to do anything to cause or trigger that.

 

Let me tell you a secret, there are lot of selfish people out there, and guess what...a good portion of those are women, and YOU might unwittingly marry one, but if she's manipulative or doesn't want to take responsibility, she will convince you that it is your fault, even if it doesn't make sense...men will do the same especially if they are controlling.

 

But that's the common line men are fed and the convenient excuse and idea that men are manipulated and led to believe in that THEY are doing something wrong to cause this in the first place, to perpetuate this whole situation. That it is up to them to fix it, and they need to either do some BS and completely change their behavior all of a sudden to get something they used to get without it which seemed to work perfectly fine until now, or even better for the man to accept "asexual" woman (what some women call compromise because to them sex is not a priority) and not demand sex at all, and men are supposed to be ok with that somehow, if the guy says nothing he doesn't get more sex he gets less and she's more happy because he's finally shut up...but since this is not ok for obvious reasons it becomes this pathetic cat and mouse game which is even more lowering for a man and his self-esteem and confidence, I mean he can't even get his own wife in bed without pulling a scene out of a typical romantic chick-flick that's likely to have no where near the same affect it does in the movies...because that woman in that movie wants to sleep with the man, in fact just like in real life she sleeps with him without it which could be just about anywhere, she only cares about the bells and whistles so she can brag to her friends about it later and it makes her feel "special", but she's sleeping with the man to f**k the man.

 

Instead of women blaming the men or even putting the responsibility on the man they need to come forward and express to men while they REALLY fell out of love and sex with their husbands instead of these excuses, or even why they're really with the guy in the first place because they may have never had a strong sexual/romantic interest. They need to take some responsibility and start expressing what they've done wrong and even sometimes the reasons that had NOTHING to do with the man, because I can't cover every relationship dynamic known to man. This is about as futile as me trying to explain to women how men really are, but men don't want to come forward and out to admit it, nobody wants to take a bullet for no reason...but what's important to know with women in their marriages is, what changed? what made it stop within themselves, that desire, so that these married (fools) guys have some damn clue...and not just the generic BS, it's this constant circle of half-truths and people lying to themselves, trying to convince themselves that is the "reality" just so they don't feel bad about themselves and shatter the "dream", when that's what leaves people in this constant state of fogginess.

 

You also can't spot an abuser versus a victim, often times the abuser is better at playing the victim role than the actual victim. Use your common sense, gut feelings and judge of character to see who people really are and never just accept who a person is by what they show outright, but by looking beyond the surface, by investing further than just taking everything say at face value and trying to convince yourself that everyone is good and holy in the world...because if you don't ever hone those skills, like judge of character and common sense in reading between the lines, you'll never know who's really telling you the truth because words are cheap, and you might find yourself with someone who is far from who you thought they were, I see that happen all the time...even with people who've known each other for years...as convenient as it is, try not to lie to yourself unless you like surprises, sometimes very disturbing ones.

[Got it]

The woman I am dating now came out of a sexless marriage. The guy got absorbed in work, and thought he was being a good father & provider in doing so. He didn't talk about his feelings so it was hard for her to know what was going on inside his head. She bought an assortment of sex gadgets, sexy lingerie & kinky gear (ie naughty nurse), offered anything goes sex acts, lost weight, brought in an extra woman for 3somes, offered him options for them both to have affairs, told him to back off on work, told him to get his hormone levels checked. They both would read in bed then fall asleep on their own side. She was painted as the home wrecker. The kid is fine and understands. She might as well as had affairs. She is really horny so I don't quite know how she did it. I think her libido just went into hibernation made.

 

It can definitely happen both ways, but I do hear a lot more unhappy men stories and a survey I saw recently seemed backed that up. It was annoying reading some of those nasty posts from women (and a couple of men) on the forum. There would be a shyte storm if those responses were cut + pasted in response to threads on here where the woman is complaining her bf is not initiating sex that much and is unhappy/annoyed.

 

My previous marriage was similar. He had a lower drive than me, almost always had so I knew what to expect. My drive increased when I turned 30 and his didn't. I tried to get him to have sex more but he wasn't interested so we didn't. It also wasn't very good, he always had control issues, so I just found taking care of myself as easier. And for all intents and purposes the rest of the relationship made up for it. Until it didn't.

[salparadise]

It can definitely happen both ways, but I do hear a lot more unhappy men stories and a survey I saw recently seemed backed that up. It was annoying reading some of those nasty posts from women (and a couple of men) on the forum. There would be a shyte storm if those responses were cut + pasted in response to threads on here where the woman is complaining her bf is not initiating sex that much and is unhappy/annoyed.

 

Agree––the core relationship issue could come from either side, but more likely a mutual problem with interactions. But why do so many women rationalize that if a man doesn't want sex there must be something wrong with him, and if a woman doesn't want sex... well, there must be something wrong him?

 

All too often, sex ends up being doled out as part of a reward system that women use to keep the upper hand in the relationship. Why women? Because sex drive is more physiological for men, and more driven by the mood of the day for women. There is expectation that he should be johnny-on-the-spot when she's ready, and to figure out how to woo her better when she's not. It's just an extension of the dating dynamic wherein men are the pursuers and women determine when sex happens because they own the vagina.

 

But marriage is different than dating, and there is a presumption that men and women are entitled to regular sex as part of the contact. This quits working when one of both start concentrating more on what they're getting than what they're giving. Entitlement, self-focus, no longer trying to meet each other's needs with a purely generous spirit causes resentment to build. Never being in the mood is often a passive aggressive expression of resentment.

 

I'm not saying this is always the case, but I do know something about it because it happened in my marriage. Her sex drive declined (after our child was born) and she was unapologetic if she wasn't in the mood, yet she expected to get sex anytime she was ready (once a month, at a predictable point in her cycle). My response was to shut down sexually and I started turning down her once-a-month overture when I wasn't getting my needs met generally. I wasn't ok being a human dildo. She was flabbergasted when I told her that if we weren't going to have a free-flowing, reciprocal sexual relationship, then don't expect me to provide service on demand.

 

The answer is simple, although not always easy... relationships need to be reciprocal. Both people's needs are important and when needs aren't being met generously, resentment is going to happen, and that's overwhelmingly the cause of relationship failures.

Edited July 26, 2014 by salparadise

[Els]

Agree––the core relationship issue could come from either side, but more likely a mutual problem with interactions. But why do so many women rationalize that if a man doesn't want sex there must be something wrong with him, and if a woman doesn't want sex... well, there must be something wrong him?

 

That's odd - I've noticed the same thing from several male posters, except with the genders swapped...

 

I think there are just lots of people in general with an axe to grind who immediately make assumptions based on their own prejudices. There's really not enough info on this case to assume either way. As I said, my guess is that the problems in this particular relationship probably lie with both parties.

[hotpotato]

IMo it's easier when it's the man not getting sex. At least people will understand that maybe there is a mismatch of sex drives.

 

If it's the woman being rejected, she MUST be disgusting, doing something to turn him off.

[joystickd]

IMo it's easier when it's the man not getting sex. At least people will understand that maybe there is a mismatch of sex drives.

 

If it's the woman being rejected, she MUST be disgusting, doing something to turn him off.

 

Kind of true but as a man you get suspicious when you get turned down for sex after a while. Honestly his best bet was to end it when she showed no signs of wanting to work on the issue

[Ninjainpajamas]

IMo it's easier when it's the man not getting sex. At least people will understand that maybe there is a mismatch of sex drives.

 

If it's the woman being rejected, she MUST be disgusting, doing something to turn him off.

 

Correction, the bolded statement is how women feel about themselves.

 

Never heard a married man say to another married man "Oh you're not getting laid?...must be a mismatch in sex drives!"

 

Instead it's more like...

 

Bob 1 "You have sex these days? Because I haven't see any action since Nam(Vietnam for you slow people)"

 

Bob 2 "Not really...haven't had it in a few months, years maybe, don't even count these days...its a sad affair anyway, she's depressed, she's gained some weight and let herself go, and then I find a potato chip next to her clitoris for the cherry on top...ate it"

 

Bob 1 "Yeah my old lady, she just kind of lays there and looks at the clock, tells me to hurry up that she's got things to do because she's can't spare that 15 mins out of her life...actually I'm not even into it so much myself anymore, I get more aroused looking at porn these days, and then I see these young hot women walking down the street getting out of college and here I am with my fat gut, dated clothes and boring life, how did this happen to us? this life has just drained everything out of me...so I just think of them when the time comes...otherwise I just slap Mr. Happy to some porn, it's less work and less humiliating...on top of that Barbara says her something or other is hurting and she doesn't feel well, she's pretty bloated and has a headache most every night, feels like I'm making love to a blowfish even when it does happen"

 

Bob 1 "Yeah, we're doing one of those "couples diet" things, where I get blamed for not being motivational, supportive or understanding, and then when I do get on her she tells me to stop pressuring her and I'm only making her feel even worse about herself...so she just eats cake and ice cream after a week long binge or few months at the gym, I try to stick to it too, but hell work is killing me and the kids, lot going on anyway..not even motivated to do anything or having the time, I need that overtime at work"

 

Single guy out of nowhere "HAHA! suckers!, look at this new girl I just met and started dating *picture of young, in-shape, trendy woman* here I'll send it to you guys so you have something to masturbate to later in the shower, I even have some partially nude/complete nude that she sent me the other night, she told me just to keep them to myself and I promised ,but hell, how many guys actually do that? what's the point if you can't show it off you know?"

 

....

And in response to a man not having sex, a woman will say;

 

"Did you buy her enough candles, did you cover the house in Persian rugs, peppered in rose pedals, ointments and incense, did you hire a limousine to pick her up from work? are you sure she's not tired or over-worked? did you hire a maid to take care of the kids and do the chores? never mind if you're an excellent father, husband and always take care of the kids...did you pay enough attention to her emotions? have you helped her deal or cope with her own personal issues? what have you done for the woman lately anyway? that's probably the reason?"

 

You ask a woman about her relationship with this guy if he's an @ss...

 

"How long has he been this way?"

 

Bewildered married woman "Ohh, pretty much the entire relationship...I just couldn't take it anymore and started to see things for how they were, I just didn't feel loved or special"

 

"So you've been with him for 15 years and he was this way when you met him?"

 

Bewildered married woman "Yeah, I know it sounds stupid...I just thought he would change, and grow up, I didn't even REALIZE I was being abused...plus, he didn't show his "true colors" until later on, I thought he loved me but I just figured out now that he was abusive, controlling and jealous, go figure...and even though all my friends warned me about him and said he was no good I married him anyway because he told me this and that, and I believed it...plus I cut off all my friends and family so I'm alone, just to be with him"

.....

 

Suuure, things might look good the first 5 years of a marriage, maybe even a little more...but it seems like the curse of doom comes into the relationship at some point (I don't know, some of you like to do it 2 or 3 times, you would know more about that than I would) it might be kids, it might be bills, or the new house or whatever...but something seems to all too often leave the ship dead in the water, nothing progresses, nothing really happens other than what you believe is happening or evolving in your head...in reality the situation is just getting worse, and old for that matter.

 

After a set amount of years, I see people just kind of accept their fate...like if they're on a space capsule floating to Mar's, at first they panic then eventually they're just numb to the relationship, desensitized by the ups and downs and don't even want to or even remember how to feel anymore. Their lives are officially their reality and they think of nothing else anymore.

 

I see both women and men essentially zombies in a marriage, going through the motions like it's another day in the office...frustrating, agitated, short-tempered, impatient, naggy, whining, all the hallmarks of an unhappy person.

 

Looking around at marriages, I personally don't understand why people are even so surprised they find themselves in similar situations that are about as hard to find as a street light...I mean it's happening all around you, do you see these ecstatic and blissfully happy people skipping down the road like one big happy family smiling away like the cover of a Disney catalog?

 

I don't get it, I really don't get it...it's a roll of the dice at best, it's like betting the house in Vegas and it's not even blank jack, it's one of those slot machines at the front where one of out 5 million get lucky and hit it big, the rest waste their time and money, but still play because after all, they could be that one!...and then people say "fight for marriage", people "give up" way too easy on marriage these...my god, die hard's till the end.

 

And then people glorify these relationships on top of it, the marriages that do "stick together and go through the ups and downs" looking at everything through this narrow and very naive point of view.

 

Whatever though.

Edited July 28, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas

[Ruby Slippers]

This is funny. Her excuses are beyond lame and she sounds like a bitch. However, he's stupid for putting up with it.

 

I seriously doubt I would marry such a lame partner. But if I found myself with a partner who didn't desire or care enough about me to have sex more often than twice a month, I would tell him/her that there are 3 options:

 

1. Sex me often.

2. I take a partner on the side.

3. Divorce.

 

As for the financial argument, I'd rather have less money and an enjoyable life with more fun and sex, than more money and little fun or sex.

[Under The Radar]

Exactly ......

 

 

...... Where is the romance people?

 

 

I even light a candle when I masturbate

[TheGuard13]

I keep seeing this online. I think the husband was probably trying to make a point by injecting a little humor into the method of delivery. People seem to overlook this and jump right to "It's innapropriate". Well, yes, but sometimes to get people to listen to you, you have to smack them upside the head.

[JBlackstone]

Yeah this is really depressing. I hope I never become one of these women who refuses her husband. She sounds gross, by the way. Always in front of the tv, too drunk, ate too much? Wow, sure sounds sexy! Poor guy. What does she think is going to happen? He will get his sex elsewhere then he will be the bad guy for cheating.