So a husband created a spreadsheet documenting a lack of sex

[hotpotato]

I will agree, leaving it for her to find was counterproductive. Showing it to her and discussing it with her might have helped.

 

Yes, she probably knows. She may realize exactly how much. Perhaps she does. Again, though you try to say both that he is trying to be clinical and that he is trying to make her upset.

 

It is not both ways in this instance. You cannot be both at the same time.

 

And it depends on the person. Initially it might make me defensive. But then I would see the pattern and the extent. I would feel bad.

 

Just because some people might react badly does not mean that everybody would be incapable of seeing the evidence and the magnitude of the problem.

 

I'm sure she knows she says no a lot...Maybe she doesn't know she says no X amount of times a month, but I doubt it has escaped her notice.

 

Also, maybe she doesn't think since twice a month is a problem.

 

it can be both clinical and upseting. I've done it. *shrug*

He's trying to quantify it almost like how i track my charitable giving. Hiis intention was to piss her off.

 

Apparently, person in question doesn't like it. What has he accomplished?

[hotpotato]

To tell a person you love and are committed to it should be that hard to do. You communicate and what I see here us that he as been trying and she is not receptive and that's a very big problem

 

They are having sex twice a month. She is being receptive, just not as much as he wants.

 

Not everyone is so open with their partners or even themselves.

[joystickd]

I'm sure she knows she says no a lot...Maybe she doesn't know she says no X amount of times a month, but I doubt it has escaped her notice.

 

Also, maybe she doesn't think since twice a month is a problem.

 

it can be both clinical and upseting. I've done it. *shrug*

He's trying to quantify it almost like how i track my charitable giving. Hiis intention was to piss her off.

 

Apparently, person in question doesn't like it. What has he accomplished?

I don't think he was trying tobupsetbher

[PerfectStorm]

Good sex life is the foundation of a good relationship.

 

But something tells me that this particular dude, that would make a spreadsheet like this, doesn't have the slightest idea how to go about getting what he wants.

[hotpotato]

where would that even go

 

is it under Auto Sum

 

And no way would he keep count of what goes against him

 

te chart is all for him

 

 

mine is Thruster 4 to your 1 hot ( but who is counting )

 

How do I only have 1? I need to see your spreadsheet please!

 

 

At the point of being frustrated enough to send that spreadsheet, I'm sure he no longer cared what she thought. I'm pretty sure the relationship is over.

 

 

When I left my relationship after 6 years of NO sex, she was honestly surprised as hell. She even said "but you never ask for it anymore!"

 

 

Well duh.....

IA. He was at the point of not caring. He's probably over trying to solve anything.

 

 

How is simple documentation of the problem automatically controlling?

 

And one could argue that her refusing sex so often could, depending on its roots and causes be construed as controlling as well.

 

Don't get me wrong. I firmly believe that both parties have to be willing and if either the man or woman in a marriage are not, and one is forced, it is by definition marital rape.

 

However, it is always a balance. When you marry, you make the VOW to be there for your partner, and to meet their needs, which includes sex. A male friend just last night was telling me that this is most men's worst nightmare. The fear of ending up in a sexless or nearly so, marriage.

 

You have taken an oath, and part of that is maintaining sexual relations and filling each others needs for emotional and physical connection. And so, whatever the problem is between the couple, anger lying between them, some hygiene issue, discomfort or pain, whatever it is, to openly discuss it and work through the problem.

 

The oath is not! until the sparks fade. It is til death do us part (as long as both uphold their vows without subterfuge, cheating, abuse etc).

 

And yes, maybe men do need to bring anlittle romance back, but wives certainly could do a better job of articulating this, often, instead of expecting him to just read their minds.

 

It really seems like you want to pay most of the problem at his feet, but the problem is squarely between them both.

 

But as I said, documentation of the problem, as long as accurate and Unembellished descriptions of behavior, should not be an issue at all. Perhaps, if she is research minded, she could create her own spreadsheet. If he comes on like a combination of a freight train and a ham-handed teenager perhaps she could document the ways he tried and how it turned her off, and what worked when she said yes.

 

Seriously. It could be a highly effective method of finding the exact problem, and pinpointing precise solutions.

 

Its controlling because he is trying to produce a result in her. You can't control your spouse like that.

 

You are talking as though they never have sex. They do have sex twice a month.

 

If you are in a ltr, sometimes the spark fades. There may be ups and downs, lots of sparks at this time but not that time. Lots of sex now but not then.

 

 

Seriously, how many times in this thread have I said

 

it takes two to tango

 

they are both the problem???

 

Why do i need to say this over and over again?

[joystickd]

I don't think he was trying tobupsetbher

I meant I don't think he was trying to upset her. Damn mobile phone. Anyway I think he was trying to prove a point. They talk about it and she would probably say it didn't go like that so he has something to back him up. His failure is being too logical in an argument with a woman. The man's best bet is to just end the relationship but set it up so he won't be seen so much like the bad guy.

[joystickd]

How do I only have 1? I need to see your spreadsheet please!

 

 

 

IA. He was at the point of not caring. He's probably over trying to solve anything.

 

 

 

 

Its controlling because he is trying to produce a result in her. You can't control your spouse like that.

 

?

Withholding sex isn't controlling? Let's be honest here they are both wrong and it seems like you are defending her bad behavior. Sparks may fade but people work to keep them going and if they can't they do the mature thing and end the relationship. This woman definitely isn't mature here. If sex with him is that much of an issue then she should woman up and end it.

[Smilecharmer]

For those of you thinking marriage is a sex killer, it doesn't have to be. I've been married for a long time and we have sex more now than at the beginning. Our relationship is closer and better than ever before. The reason you see all these negative situations is because people like me and my husband in healthy, frequent and satisfying sex lives don't go posting it on do forums or reddit.

But, for the record, we have sex every night or morning and have lots of oral in between. Our weekends are sometimes all day romps in which we flip a coin in who has to go to the kitchen for food and drink. We have a son in the military so we aren't honeymooners either.

As for the OP, their behavior is an indicator that their marriage is floundering in many other ways too. This is just the area where they can pinpoint their selfishness, control, anger, and dissatisfaction. They neither one acted appropriately or like a couple who has each other's back. This is one aspect of marriage, and mine is the other but mine won't be paid any attention to because it doesn't provide enough outrage or feed personal fears.

They need to divorce because they aren't very nice to each other and that is something all good marriages or LTRs must have. You must be nice to your loved one and treat them like they are important and a blessing to you.

[kaylan]

How do I only have 1? I need to see your spreadsheet please!

 

 

 

IA. He was at the point of not caring. He's probably over trying to solve anything.

 

 

 

 

Its controlling because he is trying to produce a result in her. You can't control your spouse like that.

 

You are talking as though they never have sex. They do have sex twice a month.

 

If you are in a ltr, sometimes the spark fades. There may be ups and downs, lots of sparks at this time but not that time. Lots of sex now but not then.

 

 

Seriously, how many times in this thread have I said

 

it takes two to tango

 

they are both the problem???

 

Why do i need to say this over and over again?

Again. Not twice a month. 3 times in 6 weeks.

For those of you thinking marriage is a sex killer, it doesn't have to be. I've been married for a long time and we have sex more now than at the beginning. Our relationship is closer and better than ever before. The reason you see all these negative situations is because people like me and my husband in healthy, frequent and satisfying sex lives don't go posting it on do forums or reddit.

But, for the record, we have sex every night or morning and have lots of oral in between. Our weekends are sometimes all day romps in which we flip a coin in who has to go to the kitchen for food and drink. We have a son in the military so we aren't honeymooners either.

As for the OP, their behavior is an indicator that their marriage is floundering in many other ways too. This is just the area where they can pinpoint their selfishness, control, anger, and dissatisfaction. They neither one acted appropriately or like a couple who has each other's back. This is one aspect of marriage, and mine is the other but mine won't be paid any attention to because it doesn't provide enough outrage or feed personal fears.

They need to divorce because they aren't very nice to each other and that is something all good marriages or LTRs must have. You must be nice to your loved one and treat them like they are important and a blessing to you.

Good to hear some older couples having a fun sex life. I dread my sex life going off the dead end after 40. I wonder if ill even be able to get it up with those lil blue pills at that age xD

Edited July 23, 2014 by kaylan

[hotpotato]

Again. Not twice a month. 3 times in 6 weeks.

Good to hear some older couples having a fun sex life. I dread my sex life going off the dead end after 40. I wonder if ill even be able to get it up with those lil blue pills at that age xD

 

So an average of every other week. Still not sexless.

 

Many people have a good sex life and are married, they just don't spend their days complaining of reddit, loveshack, etc.

[hotpotato]

Withholding sex isn't controlling? Let's be honest here they are both wrong and it seems like you are defending her bad behavior. Sparks may fade but people work to keep them going and if they can't they do the mature thing and end the relationship. This woman definitely isn't mature here. If sex with him is that much of an issue then she should woman up and end it.

 

Ok now don't make me make a spreadsheet!

 

I never said she was innocent.

[Got it]

I will agree, leaving it for her to find was counterproductive. Showing it to her and discussing it with her might have helped.

 

Yes, she probably knows. She may realize exactly how much. Perhaps she does. Again, though you try to say both that he is trying to be clinical and that he is trying to make her upset.

 

It is not both ways in this instance. You cannot be both at the same time.

 

And it depends on the person. Initially it might make me defensive. But then I would see the pattern and the extent. I would feel bad.

 

Just because some people might react badly does not mean that everybody would be incapable of seeing the evidence and the magnitude of the problem.

 

Okay but you never ever ever call your spouse out like that in public and post something like that on social media. That is the epitome of disrespectful.

 

If I was in her shoes, I may not appreciate what I received, how I was receiving it or even the validity of it. But I would not take his mistakes and compound them with my own by trying to trump him for King/Queen Jackhole.

 

The problem is a complete lack of healthy communication. So they are in a competition on who can hit the other person and prove why they are right instead of working as a team and come together to compromise.

 

They are both in the wrong. They need professional help to get back on track and thinking as a unit instead of two individuals.

[ascendotum]

Okay but you never ever ever call your spouse out like that in public and post something like that on social media. That is the epitome of disrespectful.

 

I did not pick up who posted it in public. From reading some comments here & on the original link, some say him, some say her. Who was it?

[Keenly]

Okay but you never ever ever call your spouse out like that in public and post something like that on social media. That is the epitome of disrespectful.

 

I did not pick up who posted it in public. From reading some comments here & on the original link, some say him, some say her. Who was it?

 

It was her.

[ascendotum]

It was her.

that's the impression I had. That she was trying to shame him, for actually keeping tabs on what actually transpires in their sex live and not what she says to him or thinks goes on. Its certainly not a good thing to resort to in a healthy relationship but my guess is like a few others that he got frustrated with her exaggeration of events. I agree with others who say we don't know all the facts in their relationship, but that's the same for those posting dumbarse comments on that other forum.

 

I had a friend who had an issue that was like this but not over sex. I cant remember now what it was about exactly. Something she did that annoyed him and she denied. Anyway he kept records. It came to head one day and he showed her, and basically she didn't deny it or discuss the matter but tried to shame him for doing by continually repeating the same line over & over dozens of times which infuriated him. Anyway the marriage was not in good shape and ended up in divorce & custody fights. Guess who became an expert at spreadsheets & recording conversations & events then to prove a point. lol

[SpiralOut]

I don't think the spreadsheet is the problem. The problem is the delivery method. He emailed it to her instead of speaking to her in person, and he sent it when he knew she was going away for 10 days. Then, he ignored her phone calls. Not cool. If that's not an F-you, then I don't know what is.

 

I'm not sure why his wife would choose to post it on Reddit. Does she not have any close friends she can call and talk to? Why on earth would she make that so public?

[Candy_Pants]

I don't think the spreadsheet is the problem. The problem is the delivery method. He emailed it to her instead of speaking to her in person, and he sent it when he knew she was going away for 10 days. Then, he ignored her phone calls. Not cool. If that's not an F-you, then I don't know what is.

 

I'm not sure why his wife would choose to post it on Reddit. Does she not have any close friends she can call and talk to? Why on earth would she make that so public?

 

Easy. Validation that HE was/is the problem. And she got it. Apparently in spades. Too bad "being right" won't help her marriage. If that's even a goal of theirs...

[TXGuy]

This whole story is a poster child story of how silly it is for men to enter marriage in the west. The fact that so many people (priarily women) are taking the wife's side is further indication that marriage is a silly idea for men.

[SummerDreams]

The sad truth is that it's really hard for a woman to quit sex with a man who is open about sex and does his best to satisfy her needs every time. I tend to believe that what this man was doing wrong was the way he was asking for it. In fact there is no need to ask, just start kissing and touching her will lead to things without having to ask like it's a job interview or something. A man is capable of turning a woman on if he wants to spend this time, even if she had decided "no sex tonight".

[Glinda.Good]

This whole story is a poster child story of how silly it is for men to enter marriage in the west. The fact that so many people (priarily women) are taking the wife's side is further indication that marriage is a silly idea for men.

 

Really? You are going to take a reddit post about an obviously unhealthy relationship as some kind of proof about marriage?

 

And how does "the west" come into it?

 

My opinion is that the marriage is doomed. I'm not blaming anybody. But the spreadsheet was absolutely dumb. Nobody is ever going to step up their sex game when presented with a spreadsheet of all their failures. Would you?

[iiiii]

My opinion is that the marriage is doomed. I'm not blaming anybody. But the spreadsheet was absolutely dumb. Nobody is ever going to step up their sex game when presented with a spreadsheet of all their failures. Would you?

 

Yes, this exactly.

 

Seems like this relationship is pretty much dying a slow death.

 

I mean, my goodness, I'd never dream of presenting my partner with a spreadsheet outlining the number of times he's done something to annoy or upset me. How disrespectful, and how petty. No one is going to want to constructively work on a problem when it's presented in such a manner.

 

And for the woman to post it online shows clearly that she's much more interested in scoring points at her partner's expense, than in trying to work with her partner to figure out a mutually acceptable solution to the problem.

 

There are so many things wrong with this scenario. If this is how these two communicate and treat each other, I don't see how this relationship can survive.

[Els]

 

And how does "the west" come into it?

 

Probably because in some Eastern/African countries, marital rape is still legal.

 

Aside from that, it's common belief/knowledge amongst many of the Asian guys (that I know), that if you want to pique a woman's sexual interest, your best bet is to woo her (with gestures that best appeal to the woman in question, be it romantic or practical). Not show her a spreadsheet. But I'm fairly certain that many guys in the West know this little 'secret' as well, and those who do would probably have pretty good odds at maintaining a decent sex life in their LTRs. So the point is probably moot.

 

My opinion is that the marriage is doomed. I'm not blaming anybody. But the spreadsheet was absolutely dumb. Nobody is ever going to step up their sex game when presented with a spreadsheet of all their failures. Would you?

I'm surprised she didn't retaliate with a spreadsheet of the number of times she got any pleasure out of it, over the number of times they had sex.

 

Yes, this exactly.

 

Seems like this relationship is pretty much dying a slow death.

 

I agree, except that it probably died a pretty QUICK death the day the spreadsheet was presented.

Edited July 24, 2014 by Elswyth

[jackslife]

Two mates in my close circle of friends (all in their 50's) are having great regular sex, 3 times a week +, with their wives (also 50). To the point where the guys are now being left behind and exhausted by their wives. Both couples are the very definition of happily married, and while happy to flirt and indulge in a bit of banter with the opposite sex, my mates would chew their own arms off before they had an affair.

 

Of the three of us in sexless (or near sexless marriages), one is getting divorced, one is getting resentful and is using call girls to make up for what he is missing and my A has been documented on a previous forum.

 

So are my friends having regular sex because they are happily married or are they happily married because they still get regular sex?

 

PS Kaylan: they aren't on the blue pills yet either.

[SummerDreams]

So are my friends having regular sex because they are happily married or are they happily married because they still get regular sex?

 

This is a very good question and I think it depends on the person. The man who values sex more and happy sex life makes him feel happier and make his wife feel happier as well is the one who is happy cause he has regular sex. I don't know the statistics but I guess it's the majority as well. But there are people who don't value sex that highly and they are happily married regardless of their sex life frequency.

[kaylan]

What if this was one of the most epic troll posts gone viral ever? It still started an entertaining dialogue. I do think the story is true for now.