So a husband created a spreadsheet documenting a lack of sex

[kaylan]

That's because not everyone spends their lives on LoveShack.org: Interpersonal Relationship Advice and Assistance Center - Love and dating advice, platonic relationships, and more. discussing sexless marriages, that's why. Believe it or not, there are billions of people out there who don't know that a large % of marriages become sexless and that sexual compatibility is very important.

Seriously?

 

Grown mature adults dont know that sex is important? Perhaps youre right. Maybe many people simply think "love conquers all" and that "marriage is for life"...without realizing that sex is an important part of love and marriage.

Hmm but I thought women were supposed to settle for guys they arent passionate about or all that attracted to. Whats a girl to do???

Well according to a lot of men online, a girl should tie down a beta, and screw an alpha on the side. You can try that lolz. From what I read in some of those "deadbedroom" reddit threads, some guys are up to the same thing when the wife becomes a frigid spouse.

Edited July 22, 2014 by kaylan

[rewl]

If he's not sexually satisfied, he should get rid of her. If he can't have sex with her, then who is he going to have sex with? He should have been busy looking for another woman rather than wasting his time with this spreadsheet.

[joystickd]

I don't disagree that it may work, but this should come as a last solution after trying to find out what is going on and why your wife has lost her sex drive or she is not in a good mood for sex anymore, given that this is the case, meaning that this is a new situation that happened suddenly. After you've ruled out all possible reasons, then you can advance to this technique.

 

Men tend to forget that women are COMPLICATED creatures, both on their thinking and their acting. This translates most of the time to their sex life as well. A man is able to possibly forget about a problem when he wants to have sex, when this is not the case for most women. That's why I suggested the key which is communication.

 

True but sometimes if they ain't having sex with you after some point then they are with someone else.

[carrie_o]

There is obviously more going on in the story that the spreadsheet doesn't show. Clearly her excuses are just that - excuses. She doesn't want to sleep with him. It isn't about her love of FRIENDS or feeling too sweaty. Those are her way of being nice while rejecting him.

 

The couple should really look at why she really doesn't want to sleep with him.

 

Is he initiating it in a way that is not pleasing to her? Is she overwhelmed at work? Is she doing more of the household chores leading to resentment towards the husband? Is she tired from running around after kids? Does she still find him attractive? Is she getting laid elsewhere?

 

The couple should communicate to solve their issue. Strangers on the internet cannot solve their problem. She was absolutely wrong to post the spreadsheet. Honestly, I don't think he was out of line to make the spreadsheet. (Disclaimer: I love EXCEL. I would use it for everything if I could!) The spreadsheet was a tool to show the frequency of sex. It was very effective at showing the husband's frustration with the problem. I applaud him for that and for trying to solve the problem instead of simply looking elsewhere.

[joystickd]

There is obviously more going on in the story that the spreadsheet doesn't show. Clearly her excuses are just that - excuses. She doesn't want to sleep with him. It isn't about her love of FRIENDS or feeling too sweaty. Those are her way of being nice while rejecting him.

 

The couple should really look at why she really doesn't want to sleep with him.

 

Is he initiating it in a way that is not pleasing to her? Is she overwhelmed at work? Is she doing more of the household chores leading to resentment towards the husband? Is she tired from running around after kids? Does she still find him attractive? Is she getting laid elsewhere?

 

The couple should communicate to solve their issue. Strangers on the internet cannot solve their problem. She was absolutely wrong to post the spreadsheet. Honestly, I don't think he was out of line to make the spreadsheet. (Disclaimer: I love EXCEL. I would use it for everything if I could!) The spreadsheet was a tool to show the frequency of sex. It was very effective at showing the husband's frustration with the problem. I applaud him for that and for trying to solve the problem instead of simply looking elsewhere.

 

It's time for him to walk away. I bet he probably already talked about it. No one does something that extreme unless he is out of options

[carrie_o]

It's time for him to walk away. I bet he probably already talked about it. No one does something that extreme unless he is out of options

 

I don't think it was that extreme. A spreadsheet like that is simple to make and he only did it for a month.

 

Her posting it online rather than discussing it shows a huge breach of trust in my opinion. Personally, I don't know if I would trust my spouse again if I was the husband in that situation.

 

Working it out on their own doesn't seem to be working. Either therapy or divorce in my opinion. If the reason she doesn't want sex is temporary or fixable (like stress or depression) then they should be able to fix that part of their marriage with therapy.

[joystickd]

I don't think it was that extreme. A spreadsheet like that is simple to make and he only did it for a month.

 

Her posting it online rather than discussing it shows a huge breach of trust in my opinion. Personally, I don't know if I would trust my spouse again if I was the husband in that situation.

 

Working it out on their own doesn't seem to be working. Either therapy or divorce in my opinion. If the reason she doesn't want sex is temporary or fixable (like stress or depression) then they should be able to fix that part of their marriage with therapy.

They just need to end it

[carrie_o]

They just need to end it

 

Agree to disagree then. I think they need to look at the whole story before making any rash decisions.

[hotpotato]

Well according to a lot of men online, a girl should tie down a beta, and screw an alpha on the side. You can try that lolz. From what I read in some of those "deadbedroom" reddit threads, some guys are up to the same thing when the wife becomes a frigid spouse.

 

Lol sounds like thats what she is doing!

 

I dont think mismatched drives are in and of themselves bad. When they dont want you because they are fixated on someone or something else thats a problem.

 

I dont know if thats the case here. I have one side of a story and can only speculate.

[joystickd]

Agree to disagree then. I think they need to look at the whole story before making any rash decisions.

 

He more than likely has. If she ain't screwing him then she letting someone else hit it. That is how it usually goes. Especially if it went from doing it to now getting nothing. If she was willing to work at then it would have happened before the spreadsheet. She posted it to make him look like the bad guy. Her way of rationalizing infidelity. I've been through enough crazy relationships to see that one coming.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

Complicated? Hardly.

 

A woman who finds a man sexy wont have these problems making love. I dunno...the last two women I slept with were insanely into my body and said theyd never been with a guy in shape like I was. They didnt seem too complicated to get in the mood. It was as simple as me kissing them and them taking my shirt off.

 

 

.

 

 

 

That guys wife was probably insanely into his body when they first started dating too.

 

 

Check back in here after you've been married 20 years and tell us how she's still dropping her panties every time you take

off your shirt LOL

 

 

My main point is he is hitting on her every single day.

 

 

And since he is there on her vagina's doorstep every single day, she knows she can pick and choose which opportunities she wants to take at her leisure. Sex is a cheap, abundant and always readily available resource for her. At any given moment that TV show may seem more entertaining.

Her sexual needs are being met and then some. She can be picky on how much extra she wants.

 

He could be a frick'n Greek God with the world's bestest abz and gunz and it wouldn't matter. He's made himself so available sexually she's like a person working in a doughnut shop who really don't care if they have a doughnut on any particular day or not.

[joystickd]

Lol sounds like thats what she is doing!

 

I dont think mismatched drives are in and of themselves bad. When they dont want you because they are fixated on someone or something else thats a problem.

 

I dont know if thats the case here. I have one side of a story and can only speculate.

 

If she don't want the man then she should be mature enough to end it and quit dragging it out but she wants him to be the bad guy

[kaylan]

That guys wife was probably insanely into his body when they first started dating too.

 

 

Check back in here after you've been married 20 years and tell us how she's still dropping her panties every time you take

off your shirt LOL

 

 

My main point is he is hitting on her every single day.

 

 

And since he is there on her vagina's doorstep every single day, she knows she can pick and choose which opportunities she wants to take at her leisure. Sex is a cheap, abundant and always readily available resource for her. At any given moment that TV show may seem more entertaining.

Her sexual needs are being met and then some. She can be picky on how much extra she wants.

 

He could be a frick'n Greek God with the world's bestest abz and gunz and it wouldn't matter. He's made himself so available sexually she's like a person working in a doughnut shop who really don't care if they have a doughnut on any particular day or not.

The people in the original reddit thread are 26! Thats a bit young and barely into married life to be having sex problems.

 

So I stand by what I said. No need for anyone to wait 20 years into married life to compare a sex life.

[hasaquestion]

Hmm but I thought women were supposed to settle for guys they arent passionate about or all that attracted to. Whats a girl to do???

 

* mic drop *

 

 

She might be a selfish jerk for marrying someone she won't have sex with, but he's a moron for asking everyday, as if it would improve his odds or something.

 

 

Its like your neighbor gives you an old desk they don't need once. Then every day you see them you say "hey! got any furniture for me?" Obviously that's an extreme example but all it does to bother someone about something, is make them want to give it to you less.

[kaylan]

Its as simple as this;

 

A woman with a healthy sexual appetite, and whos very sexually attracted to her man, will want sex with him more than 3 times in 6 weeks. And she definitely wont want to give her sexy man reason to start desiring other women. You think a good bf/husband with the looks of Channing Tatum would have to put up with this at 26 years of age?

 

Yeah right.

[hasaquestion]

The people in the original reddit thread are 26! Thats a bit young and barely into married life to be having sex problems.

 

So I stand by what I said. No need for anyone to wait 20 years into married life to compare a sex life.

 

This I don't get. You're TWENTY SIX. Its not like you need to be married right now. If you're so uninterested in being married to this dude, don't do it.

 

Its such a selfish thing to do.

[RedRobin]

I agree with oldshirt about the whole rat analogy.

 

 

I certainly don't agree that withdrawing sex is a solution to anything... but lots of people develop aversions to all kinds of things if the interaction they ARE having is unpleasant to them.

 

 

People are funny in other ways too... the thing they aren't getting immediately becomes the most important thing in their life.

 

 

 

 

... oh, and I did have to laugh at this... People wonder why I don't own a TV. There are studies that show that people who don't have a TV in the bedroom have more sex. That's documented.

 

 

I've found in my own relationships that not having a TV at all creates a lot more 'us' moments that lead to sexy feelings...

 

 

Maybe that might be a start for them. He gets rid of the spreadsheets. She gets rid of the TV.

[jay1983]

She's obviously not attracted to him. She just gives him enough sex to say that sex does exist.

[Keenly]

* mic drop *

 

 

She might be a selfish jerk for marrying someone she won't have sex with, but he's a moron for asking everyday, as if it would improve his odds or something.

 

 

Its like your neighbor gives you an old desk they don't need once. Then every day you see them you say "hey! got any furniture for me?" Obviously that's an extreme example but all it does to bother someone about something, is make them want to give it to you less.

 

So we are equating sexual intimacy in a marriage to your neighbor trying to get rid of their furniture. Awesome.

 

 

 

GOD FORBID your husband finds you sexually desirable and makes a move every day

OH THE HUMANITY!

[hotpotato]

* mic drop *

 

 

She might be a selfish jerk for marrying someone she won't have sex with, but he's a moron for asking everyday, as if it would improve his odds or something.

 

 

Its like your neighbor gives you an old desk they don't need once. Then every day you see them you say "hey! got any furniture for me?" Obviously that's an extreme example but all it does to bother someone about something, is make them want to give it to you less.

 

My post was sarcasm.

 

Ia that he doesnt need to be asking everyday.

 

I wonder if he is ever affectionate towards her without expectinh sex.

[dreamingoftigers]

I must be a mutant.......

 

I just can't relate to "low libido" or refusing your partner a bj.

 

Although I hear many men aren't interested in getting their women off or takibg time to do it so it doesn't just feel like a muscle spasm.

 

I mean, I can O without too much going on otherwise, but it literally just feels like a half-second flex if there's not much stimulation going on. But if I am stimulated and the focud isn't on just getting the quickest O out of me, the experience is completely arousingly different.

 

Perhaps a lot of women in highly-conservative areas have been shamed out of really exploring sex for themselves and their men are more concerned about their own O or figure that if a woman has that quick, muscle-spasm O that it means everything was great.

 

I mean, maybe a lot of women aren't enjoying sex as much as they could be because they don't know they could be enjoying sex a whole lot more. As well, I know it sounds "lame" or "controlling" to a lot of men but I HONESTLY felt my husband's frequent porn use greatly affected his erection and performance and frequency with me. That crushingly hurts to not really feel attractive almost whatsoever. With porn's prevalence and media images, I am sure many women feel that sting of shame and men are not (in general) particularly sensitive.

 

When you've got large numbers of women with daily confidence issues feeling judged by their men and judging themselves, sex goes downhill and sex starts to suck even. Now for me, sex was something that was a part of my life when I was with a man who didn't use porn and our chemistry was off the hook because of it. He really took the time and patience and INTEREST to figure out how my mental and physical parts worked. My husband in the early

Days expressed similar interest and often expressed enthusiasm over giving me pleasure.

 

So, I haven't exactly given up on sex. But I do wonder if a lot of men watch mainstream porn where, you know, it doesn't matter if she's having an O as long as she's perfectly formed with big boobs and taking a real pounding. Wheras taking a pounding can be really fun, if you aren't stimulated enough, it hurts. Even with lube it can hurt. I wonder how many women get cold-cocked and just figure "oh well. This is sex. There musr be something wrong with me to feel this way about it but he really likes it and I like him. So I'll just put it off often."

 

I have no idea for real. Just guessing.

I would think even with a "low libido" that you'd still be able to "get aroused" and why wouldn't you want that? And if you just aren't arousable for whatever reason, why just refuse to arouse your partner?

 

I mean those conditions existed here as well where he didn't even care about my needs and I really resented that. How could anyone not?

[sweetjasmine]

Complicated? Hardly.

 

A woman who finds a man sexy wont have these problems making love. I dunno...the last two women I slept with were insanely into my body and said theyd never been with a guy in shape like I was. They didnt seem too complicated to get in the mood. It was as simple as me kissing them and them taking my shirt off. Im being serious too.

 

Sorry, but this strikes me as incredibly naive. Life does get very complicated, especially when you've been with someone for a long time. If it were as simple as "take your shirt off and kiss" working for decades, no one would ever have any problems.

[kaylan]

Sorry, but this strikes me as incredibly naive. Life does get very complicated, especially when you've been with someone for a long time. If it were as simple as "take your shirt off and kiss" working for decades, no one would ever have any problems.

You miss the larger point. If this wife was very sexually attracted to her husband, they would be having more sex, and more passionate sex. Their problem is as simple as her having low attraction for him Im betting...just like a ton of other threads we see online when husbands and wives become less interested in sex with their spouses (especially given their young age).

 

Sure life gets complicated...but I cannot see a woman barely touching her man for weeks at a time and rejecting him 90% of the time if she were attracted to him. It may not be as simple as taking your shirt of and kissing...but my earlier point was that turning a woman on is not as complicated as some people try to make it.

 

Whenever someone brings up the "complicated" nature of female arousal or attraction, it seems like that is always said in situations like these. Female arousal and attraction doesnt seem so complicated when its Channing Tatum, Justin Timberlake, Cristiano Ronaldo *insert other male that many women consider attractive*

[hasaquestion]

So we are equating sexual intimacy in a marriage to your neighbor trying to get rid of their furniture. Awesome.

 

 

 

GOD FORBID your husband finds you sexually desirable and makes a move every day

OH THE HUMANITY!

 

Come on man. Begging for sex makes the other party want it less. You know this. If you want to have sex with her, you have to get her panties wet.

[hotpotato]

If she don't want the man then she should be mature enough to end it and quit dragging it out but she wants him to be the bad guy

How do we know she doesnt want him? She can still love and cherish him as her husband even though they dont have as much sex as he wants. They are having sex twice a month. Its not his ideal, but its fairly regular.

 

Shes the bad guy? That man made a spreadsheet and kept record of their sex life. Thats weird.

 

In reality they probably have a dance going on that we cant see. It takes two to tango.