So a husband created a spreadsheet documenting a lack of sex

[jay1983]

Im wondering what people consider a good sex life here. Maybe give your age and state a number.

 

Within a normal work week, I think once a week is a good minimum. Im 27

 

I think I can answer that. It's whatever favors them and not their mate.

[dreamingoftigers]

I did notice how he said he wasn't going to miss her while she was gobe the ten days.

 

I get his resent. I do. But there's contempt there too.

 

It also seems like he's making verbal initiations.

 

He might have better luck kissing her more regularly and then every third time or whatever trying for more when he can tell she's into it.

 

I know that even in my sexually-charged d youth I had an experience where the other person would initiate by popping in the room and just say "Hey, wanna have sex?' Aside from finding poor grammar a turn-off, I would go and do it because, hey, it was sex. But I did ask if it could be initiated in another way, like touch, and that didn't ever happen. I would still have sex but the pattern of initiation became annoying. Even off-putting.

 

It was more like getting surveyed than initiating sex:

 

Wanna have sex?

A. Yes

B. No

C. Maybe

D. Not sure

 

What kind of batteries do you usually use?

A. Duracell

B. Energizer

C. Other

[kaylan]

lmao @ "wanna have sex?" Oh lawd, thats mega lame. Im never verbal about initiation. Its always through a touch or look. I save verbal stuff for foreplay buildup or communication during. But initiation is strictly eyes and touch.

[Candy_Pants]

Dude! All you talk about is sex and how much you wanna please your husband even though you're unable to have vaginal sex due to your pregnancy. Now you're flipping the scrip? I think you might be just a little biased.

 

Flipping the script? No. I'm saying there's always ten sides to every story. Including my own.

 

Kylan is saying that marriage is as simple as "if she's attracted to him she'll have sex with him". I'm merely saying it's not that simple.

[Candy_Pants]

Im wondering what people consider a good sex life here. Maybe give your age and state a number.

 

Within a normal work week, I think once a week is a good minimum. Im 27

 

A good sex life isn't a nunber to me. It's closeness and communication. A willingness to please on both sides. A willingness to experiment and fullfill fantasies and desires. And working to get the other person there mentally before even entering the bedroom.

[hasaquestion]

Number of times per week is a pretty lousy way to quantify sex. It doesn't take into account a lot of external factors. How busy people are, how often they see each other, etc. A more meaningful way to look at it would be as a percentage.

 

Sex% = hours spent having sex / available waking hours spent in one another's company (i.e. where you could be having sex)

 

50%-100% = F*** buddy

10%-50% = Honeymoon relationship

1%-10% = Sexually active relationship

0.1%-1% = Sexually inactive relationship

<0.1% = Glorified friendship

[jay1983]

Flipping the script? No. I'm saying there's always ten sides to every story. Including my own.

 

Kylan is saying that marriage is as simple as "if she's attracted to him she'll have sex with him". I'm merely saying it's not that simple.

 

Okay I guess I have to side the women here. There's a chance that there might be more to this story, even though it's probably a very very low chance, I guess I still can't say I know for sure.

[kaylan]

A good sex life isn't a nunber to me. It's closeness and communication. A willingness to please on both sides. A willingness to experiment and fullfill fantasies and desires. And working to get the other person there mentally before even entering the bedroom.

I cant see any of that occurring if a couple only makes love once or twice a month though. At least not in my relationships.

[MidwestUSA]

Okay I guess I have to side the women here. There's a chance that there might be more to this story, even though it's probably a very very low chance, I guess I still can't say I know for sure.

 

No matter how many things may be at the root of it, I'm still marveling over the fact that the wife isn't into taking showers when she's 'sweaty and gross'. I mean, I don't even want to sit on my furniture if I'm disgusting. Sure it's a reason to turn down sex, but one that's easily fixed.

 

 

Maybe she has a fetish about sleeping with her own body odor.

[hasaquestion]

Okay I guess I have to side the women here. There's a chance that there might be more to this story, even though it's probably a very very low chance, I guess I still can't say I know for sure.

 

I don't think its that low... lots of guys don't understand sex. You don't get it by asking for it, you have to put in the work to make it happen. There's more ways to attract someone that look like a model. And IMO a lot of guys kind of do the same thing women do - stop trying once they've "got" their S/O. Its just a different kind of trying (being the guy in charge, being independent, surprising her, etc.)

[jay1983]

I'd give anything for a blog or a thread in which the sexes are swapped. I'm a start saving stuff like that when I see it.

[jay1983]

Here's my favorite comment to this blog. It has over 300 likes.

 

"'Denied him sex'? What so that's her sole purpose? How about she chart all the times that she pointed out she wasn't in the mood and he pushed her! I'd empty the bank accounts and serve divorce papers. The guy is a piece of crap."

Edited July 22, 2014 by jay1983

[Woggle]

With the exception of special circumstances like being sick or pregnant or having just given birth if a woman is truly attracted to a man she wants to tear his clothes off. I see how women react to a guy who turns them on. If her libido is gone for a long period of time something is wrong with the marriage. I have never seen a happy marriage where a woman has no sexual interest in her husband. For a man in that position it's like torture because it is the first step in her falling out of love with you. It's about the frequency of sex because even though I don't have to get laid everyday I know my wife is hot for me and if that ever changes I know something is wrong.

[GorillaTheater]

Both of them are unsympathetic "martyrs". He creates a friggin SPREADSHEET to detail how he gets turned down 90% of the time. And emails it to her. Right before she leaves on a trip. Yeah, that's effective conflict resolution.

 

And she posts it to a message board, obviously expecting a lot of "oh, you poor thing" comments, details about her hygiene notwithstanding.

[kaylan]

With the exception of special circumstances like being sick or pregnant or having just given birth if a woman is truly attracted to a man she wants to tear his clothes off. I see how women react to a guy who turns them on. If her libido is gone for a long period of time something is wrong with the marriage. I have never seen a happy marriage where a woman has no sexual interest in her husband. For a man in that position it's like torture because it is the first step in her falling out of love with you. It's about the frequency of sex because even though I don't have to get laid everyday I know my wife is hot for me and if that ever changes I know something is wrong.

Want torture? Read this guys story.

 

Boring sex just isn't worth it anymore. Should I just suck it up and forget about it? : DeadBedrooms

 

I cant stop reading this sub-reddit area now that Ive found it.

[Woggle]

Here's my favorite comment to this blog. It has over 300 likes.

 

"'Denied him sex'? What so that's her sole purpose? How about she chart all the times that she pointed out she wasn't in the mood and he pushed her! I'd empty the bank accounts and serve divorce papers. The guy is a piece of crap."

 

I bet she also gets mad at men that don't want to commit. Statements like that sure put guys in a marriage minded mood.

[Lecturer]

This definitely resonates with me. I did something similar as the husband here (not a spreadsheet though).

 

A few years back, for a while after having a kid, we entered a long period like this. I would constantly get rejected.

 

I tried everything I could think of... I *AM* the type of guy to buy 'just because' flowers, or something small/random on my way home for her if I know she's been having a bad day. I did plenty of things for her, surprises on special events, I stayed in shape, tried to connect with her, etc.

 

The fact is, people in LTRs BOTH need to put in an effort to keep the energy & chemistry going. It is easy for people to de-prioritize intimacy, especially in light of other life stresses like children and jobs.

 

People are all outraged on why he made the spreadsheet. I will tell you EXACTLY WHY HE DID IT:

 

When I confronted my wife about the problem it was her opinion we were having sex 3 times a week! In reality it was more like once every 3 weeks. The documented proof is needed to force them to realize there is a problem.

 

For me it wasn't simply the quantity of sex. All I needed to be appeased was to feel that we were in it together. If she just said "I agree we're not having sex enough, and I don't like it either. I feel the same as you and want to make an effort to fix this"... then I'd have been over-joyed.

 

What ended up happening, however, is that I simply stopped asking and caring. A short time later she actually changed. What did it for her? She was talking with her 2 close friends who were both complaining that their husbands never wanted sex, and when they did they never wanted to explore anything fun and new. My wife thought about it and realized (verbatim) "Wow, my problem is that my husband desires me TOO much. What a problem to have."

 

But it was, frankly, too late. Something was lost during that period for me. The rejection accumulated and resulted in what seems to be a permanent loss of desire for her. I still make it happen (I have enough drive that even passively I can match whatever level she wants)... but what was once there is now gone.

 

This is my explanation for what the husband did and said.

 

And let me just add that this problem isn't just against wives... many husbands get in the exact same bad habit of de-prioritizing (as seen with my wife's friends).

[MidwestUSA]

Want torture? Read this guys story.

 

Boring sex just isn't worth it anymore. Should I just suck it up and forget about it? : DeadBedrooms

 

I cant stop reading this sub-reddit area now that Ive found it.

 

That's probably something you need to stop doing!

 

 

Find something uplifting to read. Like Cracked, or The Onion!

[Candy_Pants]

(This is obviously overgeneralized)

 

Think of women like an oven and men like a microwave.

 

You've got to warm a woman up before sticking the meatloaf in.

 

With a microwave it's always ready.

 

It's obvious there's more to this story. For the record I think it's a terrible idea to constantly deny your SO sex. Regardless of gender. I've seen what its done to my relationships and THAT is why I try so hard to fulfill my H's desires (even though pregnancy has lessened my sexdrive in a way I couldn't have foreseen).

 

BUT I don't think the blame is on one party. Maybe the H is selfish in bed. Maybe he's a minute man who refuses to make things better and she's trying to be kind by coming up with lame excuses instead of saying, "You're selfish in bed and I've lost attraction for you."

 

We just don't know.

[Woggle]

Kaylan this stuff will drive you crazy. Trust me on that one because I have been there. People in happy relationships tend not to be as vocal about it so we see all the misery and dysfunction online and in the media and it makes us thing all relationships are like that.

[Woggle]

(This is obviously overgeneralized)

 

Think of women like an oven and men like a microwave.

 

You've got to warm a woman up before sticking the meatloaf in.

 

With a microwave it's always ready.

 

It's obvious there's more to this story. For the record I think it's a terrible idea to constantly deny your SO sex. Regardless of gender. I've seen what its done to my relationships and THAT is why I try so hard to fulfill my H's desires (even though pregnancy has lessened my sexdrive in a way I couldn't have foreseen).

 

BUT I don't think the blame is on one party. Maybe the H is selfish in bed. Maybe he's a minute man who refuses to make things better and she's trying to be kind by coming up with lame excuses instead of saying, "You're selfish in bed and I've lost attraction for you."

 

We just don't know.

 

Women don't seem to need warming up when they see a guy that gets them wet and horny.

 

I have read your threads and your husband should lay off for a minute because pregnancy and right after giving birth are the exceptions.

[ja123]

I see a lot of talk about different sex drives, etc. however, I also think there more to it.

 

I am of the type that after I'm in a committed relationship, there is nothing that would keep me from satisfying my love, especially after I'm married. However, some are so sensitive that they are turned off and couldn't think of being intimate with their spouse because they did or said something disagreeable.

 

 

 

Then, they need to respectfully communicate with their spouse, so that it can be worked through and resentments don't build.

[kaylan]

(This is obviously overgeneralized)

 

Think of women like an oven and men like a microwave.

 

You've got to warm a woman up before sticking the meatloaf in.

 

With a microwave it's always ready.

 

It's obvious there's more to this story. For the record I think it's a terrible idea to constantly deny your SO sex. Regardless of gender. I've seen what its done to my relationships and THAT is why I try so hard to fulfill my H's desires (even though pregnancy has lessened my sexdrive in a way I couldn't have foreseen).

 

BUT I don't think the blame is on one party. Maybe the H is selfish in bed. Maybe he's a minute man who refuses to make things better and she's trying to be kind by coming up with lame excuses instead of saying, "You're selfish in bed and I've lost attraction for you."

 

We just don't know.

Gotta agree with Woggle on this. I see how certain women react to me when they were very into me. They seemed like microwaves.

 

And I see how a slew of women react to my good looking buddy whos in awesome shape. Hes a really stand up guy too. Girls dont seem to need much warming up for him...they are very much microwaves. Lucky dog lol

Edited July 22, 2014 by kaylan

[Lecturer]

I prefer the "women are like diesel engines" analogy, for how they need to be warmed up, but once they are they can go and go.

[Candy_Pants]

Gotta agree with Woggle on this. I see how certain women react to me when they were very into me...and I see how a slew of women react to my great looking buddy whos in awesome shape. Hes a really stand up guy too. Girls dont seem to need much warming up for him...they are very much microwaves. Lucky dog lol

 

It might work like this in the short term. But long-term....not so much.

 

I've been in relationships where I had to beg for sex. I tried everyyyything. I was 19 and hot and had guys after me constantly but all I wanted was my chubby stoner bf to want me. I could walk around the house in nothing but heels and he'd complain that I was blocking the tv.

 

I could say, "well if he saw a girl he was attracted to he'd have no problem jumping her bones" but that doesn't help the situation that we were actually IN. Just like saying "I've seen girls go crazy for buff dudes" doesn't mean those same girls aren't having sex with their SOs.

 

And thanks for the support. I'm usually hard to keep up with sexually and now I simply can't have PIV without pain for days after. It's depressing!