So a husband created a spreadsheet documenting a lack of sex

[Keenly]

I sknt really like the idea that I would have to jump through hoops to get my wife to WANT to have sex with me.

 

There is.being in the mood, and then there is she doesn't want to have sex with you. Two completely different things.

[Candy_Pants]

How many of you guys who don't want to put in effort to make your woman want you have been in an LTR??

[sweetjasmine]

I see how certain women react to me when they were very into me. They seemed like microwaves.

 

Were they like that with you after years of living together? After seeing each and every one of your faults and warts?

 

Novelty catches everyone's attention. Mentioning that contributes absolutely nothing to the discussion on sexless long-term relationships.

[hasaquestion]

It might work like this in the short term. But long-term....not so much.

 

I've been in relationships where I had to beg for sex. I tried everyyyything. I was 19 and hot and had guys after me constantly but all I wanted was my chubby stoner bf to want me. I could walk around the house in nothing but heels and he'd complain that I was blocking the tv.

 

I could say, "well if he saw a girl he was attracted to he'd have no problem jumping her bones" but that doesn't help the situation that we were actually IN. Just like saying "I've seen girls go crazy for buff dudes" doesn't mean those same girls aren't having sex with their SOs.

 

And thanks for the support. I'm usually hard to keep up with sexually and now I simply can't have PIV without pain for days after. It's depressing!

 

Yep, short term and long term are completely different animals.

 

The thing is, long term, you've had a ton of sex already, and you've gone from f*** buddies to friends so a lot of the seeing each other as sex objects is gone. So you create the mood. I do think women have a responsibility to help create the mood personally, if they're married, but its ok for there to be work involved.

[hotpotato]

Again, I say...lets be real here.

 

A 26 yr old woman, thats attracted to her mate...wont only be sleeping with him 3 times in 6 weeks.

 

We have all seen this movie before. The sex wont be getting better, and its likely he will get news from her that shes not attracted to him much anymore.How is the wife any better? She blasted their personal life on reddit of all places and it went viral. Its all over the web right now. Huffington Post, Yahoo, Gawker, DailyMail, etc. And thats just news sites. Numerous blogs and forums have picked up the story too.

 

And btw, from what I read and counted...it was 3 times in a span or 6 weeks or so (and not passionate or anything either). And this woman was leaving for 10 days as well. So thatll turn into 3 times in nearly 2 months by the time she returns.

 

If this whole thing is real, I dont see the marriage lasting.

 

I didnt say she was blameless. In fact, in what you quoted I said it rakes two to tango.

[Lecturer]

Today I learned I need to see more women walking in front of me with nothing but high heels. Erm, not strippers though... only women who actually want to have sex with me!

 

Edit: I'm going to start smoking up more, gaining weight, and turning down Candy_Pants for sex. I think that should work.

[Keenly]

Yep, short term and long term are completely different animals.

 

The thing is, long term, you've had a ton of sex already, and you've gone from f*** buddies to friends so a lot of the seeing each other as sex objects is gone. So you create the mood. I do think women have a responsibility to help create the mood personally, if they're married, but its ok for there to be work involved.

 

Sweet, a statement I can get behind.

 

 

Its always stereotypical that the woman complains that the spark is gone, the spice isn't there, and that the sex life is dead, but very rarely do I hear stories about the wife or girlfriend trying to fix it PR improve it.

 

 

They can see the problem, and they acknowledge it was there, but Rican only remember a handful of times where they were the ones at least giving 50% trying to improve it.

 

 

Then you have the opposite end of the spectrum where one partner blames the other and expects them to do all of the work, all of the foreplay, all of the mood creation, and they just sit back and don't contribute and I sit here like whaaaaaaaaaaat?

[Candy_Pants]

Today I learned I need to see more women walking in front of me with nothing but high heels. Erm, not strippers though... only women who actually want to have sex with me!

 

Edit: I'm going to start smoking up more, gaining weight, and turning down Candy_Pants for sex. I think that should work.

 

Apparently!! I used to cook and do dishes in just a waist apron and heels too. :facepalm: What a waste.

[hotpotato]

No matter how many things may be at the root of , I'm still marveling over the fact that the wife isn't into taking showers when she's 'sweaty and gross'. I mean, I don't even want to sit on my furniture if I'm disgusting. Sure it's a reason to turn down sex, but one that's easily fixed.

 

 

Maybe she has a fetish about sleeping with her own body odor.

 

Its not a reason, its armor.

She doesnt want sex, and thats what she does to keep him away. Im guessing fear or trauma associated with sex. The scorekeeping spreadsheet and resentment doesnt help.

[Lecturer]

Apparently!! I used to cook and do dishes in just a waist apron and heels too. :facepalm: What a waste.

 

Protip after 15 years in my relationship: Do things like this even when you don't need to. Especially when you don't need to. If it is ever not appreciated, that is indication of a problem.

[Candy_Pants]

Protip after 15 years in my relationship: Do things like this even when you don't need to. Especially when you don't need to. If it is ever not appreciated, that is indication of a problem.

 

Planning on it!! Tomorrow we get our own apartment, no roommates!!! Lots of work to do first but we're excited!!!

 

My feet are too swollen for heels but I've got other ideas for a celebration .

[Lecturer]

Heh, you're about to have a permanent roommate soon enough!

 

But yeah, getting her bent over when shes doing the dishes or whatever were the good times.

 

Also, it's a requirement to Christen each room of a new dwelling. Each surface too, if you want to get technical. And I usually do.

[SummerDreams]

Women don't seem to need warming up when they see a guy that gets them wet and horny.

 

 

I have no idea how come you have come up with this idea that a woman just looks at a man and gets all wet and horny, unless we are talking about really horny 17 years olds whose hormones are crazy or 60 years olds who just miss sex. In my entire life I had never something like this happen to me or hear happening to some woman I know. Normal women NEED warming up. There may be an exception at early dating stages when your mind is at sex all the time, but then life takes over and things happen and you can't go on being obsessed with sex anymore. I know there are women who have such a high sex drive that they can get wet only with a look, but honestly I think they are the exception of the rule, and it's always bad to chase the exception and get sad - mad - disappointed when you don't find it.

[jay1983]

Were they like that with you after years of living together? After seeing each and every one of your faults and warts?

 

Novelty catches everyone's attention. Mentioning that contributes absolutely nothing to the discussion on sexless long-term relationships.

 

This is a very good argument.

[joystickd]

How do we know she doesnt want him? She can still love and cherish him as her husband even though they dont have as much sex as he wants. They are having sex twice a month. Its not his ideal, but its fairly regular.

 

Shes the bad guy? That man made a spreadsheet and kept record of their sex life. Thats weird.

 

In reality they probably have a dance going on that we cant see. It takes two to tango.

 

It does take two but what I've learned as an OM is that some women need a story for sympathy and to rationalize cheating. Then also to her friends and family she needs it too. She can't just say she got tired of him. In regards to women and break ups women needs a story why and men dont. Men can take to their friends and tell it's over and they are like ok cool so are you watching the game. Women it's awww what happened. She doesn't want to be seen as a bad guy for dumping or cheating on a guy that others see as a good guy possibly. She posted that spreadsheet for her benefit so he would react

[No Limit]

If she's feeling gross 90% of the year... why not do something against that? I'd start to get worried if someone felt bad all the time.

[pteromom]

IEspecially when the excuses are utter BS, and are followed by actions that make the excuses worse, proving their invalidity.

 

THIS is true. She shouldn't have to give excuses. She should just be able to say "No I don't feel like it" when she doesn't want to.

 

The fact that she felt she had to come up with excuses COULD mean that she's not honest or that she has some kind of issues. Or it could be that he doesn't take no for an answer, so she feels she has no other choice but to make up excuses.

 

All in all though, I find the spreadsheet pathetic. If I was the wife in this situation, it surely wouldn't inspire me to want to sleep with him. Actually it would make me want to not interact with him at all, because I would never know when he is tracking what I say to him.

[carrie_o]

All in all though, I find the spreadsheet pathetic. If I was the wife in this situation, it surely wouldn't inspire me to want to sleep with him. Actually it would make me want to not interact with him at all, because I would never know when he is tracking what I say to him.

 

Between this and his not knowing whether he could give her something without it ending up online, they have a lot more issues than just a lack of sex going forward.

[serial muse]

Actually, gender doesnt matter to me when a spouse isnt being satisfied. If the genders were swapped, and a husband started leaving his wife high and dry for weeks at a time, Id call him out too.

 

Fact of the matter is though, that the vast majority of the these "deadbedroom" relationships we all read about involve a man being cut off by his wife.

 

That's because when women talk about being rejected by their spouses they're almost immediately grilled about exactly what they weigh and why they let themselves go and then told all the ways they should be trying harder to entice their men. :rolleyes: Talk about can't win.

 

Anyway this is all ridiculous because you never really know what's been going on between two people, and between the spreadsheet and the public denouncement it sure looks like they both have major issues.

[pteromom]

I used to really look forward to falling in love, living together, and getting married. But reality has set in after failed relationships and seeing how marriages really work around me. Seems the truly fulfilling marriages are quite rare.

 

 

You are right. The problem isn't marriage though. It's the criteria people use to justify marrying someone.

 

People get married because they have intense chemistry, thinking that the chemistry can carry them through any other issues. But it doesn't work that way. Passion is very fragile - especially for women.

 

When you are choosing someone for a LTR who you may want to marry, make sure that:

 

- She is respectful of you and your opinions and feelings. This ensures that even when the hard times come - and they always will - she will view you as her partner and will care about what is important to you. So if sex is one of those things, she will work with you to keep it alive, and will give it out of love if something happens out of her control that gets in the way of desire or pleasure.

 

- She communicates in a way that you understand what she is saying. And when you explain your feelings, she understands you. I cannot stress enough how important this is. Good communication is your biggest ally in a marriage.

 

- She isn't easily offended or easily made defensive - and neither are you. Tied into the communication issue... you are able to talk about something that hurts or bothers you without it turning into a blowup. You can work TOGETHER to find a solution to the issue.

 

- You have similar values, similar expectations of what a good relationship looks like, and similar goals. If your idea of a great relationship is clubbing then coming home for crazy sex, and her idea of a great relationship is snuggling on the couch with some popcorn and having romantic sex after, then you are never going to be on the same page. If sex is a 10 in importance for you, but a 2 for her, you are NEVER going to be able to inspire her to come up to your level. The thing is, you can't judge this by what they say. You have to go by ACTIONS and BEHAVIOR. If a woman tells you she is a certain way, but her actions show differently, then always believe the actions.

 

Print this out and mark my words. Put it in the back of a book on your shelf and read it in twenty years. If you are happy in a marriage in twenty years, you are going to pull this out and read it and nod your head in agreement. If you are miserable, you are going to read it and say "I should have listened to Pteromom, but instead I married a woman who I had nothing in common with other than lust. The lust died off in the first two years, and it has been nothing but a struggle since."

[hotpotato]

It does take two but what I've learned as an OM is that some women need a story for sympathy and to rationalize cheating. Then also to her friends and family she needs it too. She can't just say she got tired of him. In regards to women and break ups women needs a story why and men dont. Men can take to their friends and tell it's over and they are like ok cool so are you watching the game. Women it's awww what happened. She doesn't want to be seen as a bad guy for dumping or cheating on a guy that others see as a good guy possibly. She posted that spreadsheet for her benefit so he would react

 

Let's not make this a gender thing-both sexes embellish stories to make themselves look good and the other party look worse.

 

He is a jerk, and she's playing the victim. Like I said before, I don't know the c complete dynamics, but they are feeding off each other. Neither one is completely innocent.

[joystickd]

Let's not make this a gender thing-both sexes embellish stories to make themselves look good and the other party look worse.

 

He is a jerk, and she's playing the victim. Like I said before, I don't know the c complete dynamics, but they are feeding off each other. Neither one is completely innocent.

That's how it usually goes. I wouldn't even be saying if I didn't see it first hand. Neither one are innocent but there are women that love taking the victim role and in this case it's a possibility. I'm not making it a gender thing but in this thread you have a woman that is not having sex but two times a month and making excuses to avoid sex. If a man is able to keep a spreadsheet of something like that then something suspicious is going on with the woman.

[judychong]

completely agreed.

[sillyanswer]

Shes the bad guy? That man made a spreadsheet and kept record of their sex life. Thats weird.

 

It might be weird. His communication style is poor and poorly timed. I'm not sure that that makes him the bad guy either.

 

Her making their marital problems public... that does make her the bad guy.

 

In reality they probably have a dance going on that we cant see. It takes two to tango.

 

Agreed. Well, it's either that or a hoax.

[hotpotato]

It might be weird. His communication style is poor and poorly timed. I'm not sure that that makes him the bad guy either.

 

Her making their marital problems public... that does make her the bad guy.

 

 

 

Agreed. Well, it's either that or a hoax.

 

Let's see...

 

He makes spreadsheet so he can keep score

 

sends it to wife

 

ignores her

 

Hmmm...