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So a husband created a spreadsheet documenting a lack of sex

kaylan

By kaylan,
in General Relationship Discussion

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Els

Els

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How many of you guys who don't want to put in effort to make your woman want you have been in an LTR??

 

Were they like that with you after years of living together? After seeing each and every one of your faults and warts?

 

Novelty catches everyone's attention. Mentioning that contributes absolutely nothing to the discussion on sexless long-term relationships.

 

Exactly.

 

I don't really understand how some folks can claim to be the authority on how sex in a long-term relationship (or marriage) 'should' be when they have never really been in one themselves. There is nothing wrong with only dating casually, but the dynamics and factors at play in a LTR are really an entirely different ballpark.

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lollipopspot

lollipopspot

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It seems to me that the first day you start making the spreadsheet and quoting your partner, you're setting out to prove your point. I wouldn't be surprised if at that point he wasn't even sabotaging it - choosing times when it was more likely that she would say no and would have some excuse, so that he could prove his point on the spreadsheet. That's human nature when you're trying to make your case. The stupider or more irrational her response, the better for his chart (like, saying she didn't even shower until the next day). It's just not a very productive way have a conversation about this in the marriage. Even if had told her, look, I want to chart how often we're having sex, and what happens before I'm rejected, maybe that could put some light on this problem so we can work on it - that would be better. And did he walk in and say "Let's have sex now," or try to set the mood with kissing, etc.? Who knows what happened. There isn't enough info.

 

There were probably problems in the marriage before any of this though.

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man_in_the_box

man_in_the_box

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I don't really understand how some folks can claim to be the authority on how sex in a long-term relationship (or marriage) 'should' be when they have never really been in one themselves.

 

I can't agree on that one - if a person is capable of laying out a sensible, well-thought argument and is self-critical about what they state then lacking experience doesn't directly discredit the validity of their argument.

 

However I do agree that the perspectives on sex/LTRs in this thread are oversimplified, tunnel-vision-style and often colored by preconceived gender steoreotype notions.

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Els

Els

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I can't agree on that one - if a person is capable of laying out a sensible, well-thought argument and is self-critical about what they state then lacking experience doesn't directly discredit the validity of their argument.

 

Fair enough. Unfortunately, all of the above appear to be lacking as well. When anecdotal evidence is the only evidence provided, the anecdote better be at least relevant to the topic at hand.

 

However I do agree that the perspectives on sex/LTRs in this thread are oversimplified, tunnel-vision-style and often colored by preconceived gender steoreotype notions.

 

Yes. Biased and one-sided, as well.

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Emilia

Emilia

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Seriously?

 

Grown mature adults dont know that sex is important? Perhaps youre right. Maybe many people simply think "love conquers all" and that "marriage is for life"...without realizing that sex is an important part of love and marriage.

Yes seriously. Imagine. Not everyone has your value system and beliefs. I know it's shocking but I promise you they are not doing it on purpose.

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kaylan

kaylan

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Yes seriously. Imagine. Not everyone has your value system and beliefs. I know it's shocking but I promise you they are not doing it on purpose.

Sucks for those that they get stuck in miserable marriages then. Oh wells. Ill learn from the mistakes of the fallen.

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Emilia

Emilia

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Sucks for those that they get stuck in miserable marriages then. Oh wells. Ill learn from the mistakes of the fallen.

Just get an LTR under your belt before you go all judgemental.

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Woggle

Woggle

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Just get an LTR under your belt before you go all judgemental.

 

I am in a happy marriage right and have had quite a few LTRs and being with a woman who has no desire for you is one of the worst positions a man can be in. There are pretty much no positives to it and that lack of desire eventually turns into general contempt for him.

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Emilia

Emilia

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I am in a happy marriage right and have had quite a few LTRs and being with a woman who has no desire for you is one of the worst positions a man can be in. There are pretty much no positives to it and that lack of desire eventually turns into general contempt for him.

....and I bet if you had any kind of trouble with your wife, you would do your best to resolve it with her. Rather come down on her like a ton of bricks and blaming her entirely for lack of sex life imagining that she must have done it on purpose.

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kaylan

kaylan

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Just get an LTR under your belt before you go all judgemental.

???

 

Wheres this idea that Ive never been in an LTR. I have. I know the deal. But Ive been lucky enough to not have been in a sexless LTR.

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kaylan

kaylan

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....and I bet if you had any kind of trouble with your wife, you would do your best to resolve it with her. Rather come down on her like a ton of bricks and blaming her entirely for lack of sex life imagining that she must have done it on purpose.

Please read some of those dead bedroom stories on reddit. Realize that many spouses are supportive and try to fix their sex life, but their partners just dont seem to care anymore.

 

If I found myself in a situation like this, Id be divorcing. Is this guy just dumping a ton of bricks and blame on his wife? Nope. Looks like a guy who has continually tried to discuss this with her and she either shuts down or avoids the topic. You realize that in many of these stories, that there is a husband or wife that just doesnt care about their intimate life changing?

 

What is someone to do then? Id be gone very quickly if presented with such behavior. I can be understanding, and Id try to figure things out, but I wont spend months and years miserable. It wouldnt be about who did what on purpose or not...Id be more concerned about finding a happy relationship with a compatible partner.

Edited by kaylan
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Thruster

Thruster

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Now on this spread sheet

 

what were each catagory?

 

No to keep it clean

 

1st base = 2 points

 

2nd base = 4 points

 

a steal from 1st to 2nd and were caught by someone = 3 points

 

Can we see the spread sheet and the points used

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Thruster

Thruster

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and there are a few of us that are working on revisions to the spread sheet

 

it will make it to USA today once all the revisions are made

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jackslife

jackslife

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Before sending her an email, I be asking her to shower after going to the gym.

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hotpotato

hotpotato

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Because we don't know enough we cannot say. If we knew she was perfectly healthy et cetera, than perhaps we could make a claim that she is acting irrationally.

 

But looking over he excuses, I at least see that one possible explanation is that she doesn't have energy enough, and perhaps has a health problem. And I have to say that when you feel physically bad enough, there can be some days that it takes great difficulty to shower even when you feel gross.

 

You assume the situation is simple. I suspect that there are enough variables in play that aside from commenting on the strategy of the spreadsheet itself, there's not much we can actually say with confidence.

 

I still argue that documentation of any issue is not a bad way to go. If done without emotional coloring and attempts to provoke, actually gives a realistic picture of the situation that can be discussed.

 

You can theorize about the relationship of vaccines to autism, for example, all you want, it is only when you begin to research and document that you are able to determine if there is any true causal connection or not.

 

Good and faithful observation and documentstion of a problem could just be the necessary step to solving it.

Maybe shes not perfectly healthy. Maybe hes not perfectly healthy. Maybe hes bad in bed, unattractive, mean, a cheater, etc.

 

Lets say she is unhealthy. Shes taking a vacation maybe to relieve stress. He sends this spreadsheet when she is leaving, then ignores her. How did that help? What disease is he trying to cure with a spreadsheet? But thats a good point. Hes trying to be clinical. Trying to turn this into some kind of research project, as if she would magically start putting out if she could only see her error.

 

Ive btdt. If its to this point, they would probably be better off splitting. They are to the point of doing things to make each other upset. Contempt.

 

What he did is more likely to make someone defensive rather than in the mood. Im bettung she knows they dont have a lot of sex.

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kaylan

kaylan

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Maybe shes not perfectly healthy. Maybe hes not perfectly healthy. Maybe hes bad in bed, unattractive, mean, a cheater, etc.

 

Lets say she is unhealthy. Shes taking a vacation maybe to relieve stress. He sends this spreadsheet when she is leaving, then ignores her. How did that help? What disease is he trying to cure with a spreadsheet? But thats a good point. Hes trying to be clinical. Trying to turn this into some kind of research project, as if she would magically start putting out if she could only see her error.

 

Ive btdt. If its to this point, they would probably be better off splitting. They are to the point of doing things to make each other upset. Contempt.

 

What he did is more likely to make someone defensive rather than in the mood. Im bettung she knows they dont have a lot of sex.

Shes going on a business trip, not a vacation.

 

And everytime you post hypotheticals, they always seem to include what may be wrong with the husband rather than what the wife may being doing wrong. So the spread sheet is bad, hes possibly crap in bed, mean, unattractive or a cheater. Meanwhile shes simply unhealthy and needs a vacation? lol what?

 

Lets be real here HP, like I said to someone a few posts ago....please read these dead-bedroom stories. A lot of the time the husband is a good guy trying to connect with a woman that just wont try. Sure its possible some of the things you said may be true, but you dont seem to be thinking other possibilities regarding the wife may be true.

 

Like I said before...if the genders were flipped, and a husband in his mid 20s wasnt sleeping with his wife much, and was working a lot and going away on long trips, the women here would be quick to assume he was cheating. But of course this assumption isnt made when its a woman behaving shadily. Heck, I could find numerous threads right now like that...where the initial female response to similar male behavior is "sorry hun I think hes possibly up to no good, but you should talk to him" or "sounds like hes getting it on the side...what man is his mid 20s doesnt want to sleep with his wife? The long hours and business trips seem sketchy"

 

How many ladies her would be sexually aroused by a spreadsheet documenting lack of sex?

 

Not me.

Whos saying you should be? The spreadsheet is basically a person proving their point after having given up. The marriage is likely not salvageable.

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sillyanswer

sillyanswer

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How many ladies her would be sexually aroused by a spreadsheet documenting lack of sex?

 

Not me.

 

I'm pretty sure he wasn't trying to seduce her with it!

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hotpotato

hotpotato

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I havent just posted hypotheticals about her. Ive said already the issue is probably both of them and she may have fear or trauma associated with sex. Ive already agreed with others that she may not be attracted to him and may be screwing someone else. :confused:

 

Im not the one who came up with the unhealthy theory, that was Anya Nova.

 

Its a business trip. Still, how did that help? He was trying to ruin her tume away.

 

Just because he isnt getting laid how he wants doesnt make him innocent. Plenty of men stop being romantic once they become comfortable. They dont want the sex to change yet the man has changed.

 

Ive btdt. Ive been the one who had to beg for sex.

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hotpotato

hotpotato

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I'm pretty sure he wasn't trying to seduce her with it!

 

Then why bother, unless he was trying to be a passive aggressive jerk?

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Thruster

Thruster

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I havent just posted hypotheticals about her. Ive said already the issue is probably both of them and she may have fear or trauma associated with sex. Ive already agreed with others that she may not be attracted to him and may be screwing someone else. :confused:

 

Im not the one who came up with the unhealthy theory, that was Anya Nova.

 

Its a business trip. Still, how did that help? He was trying to ruin her tume away.

 

Just because he isnt getting laid how he wants doesnt make him innocent. Plenty of men stop being romantic once they become comfortable. They dont want the sex to change yet the man has changed.

 

Ive btdt. Ive been the one who had to beg for sex.

 

 

hot it is just a guy thing

 

when comfortable and romance (well yea -- we are all to blame for that one)

 

but as for wanting sex - -well --- never know a guy to say -- ahhhhhhhhhh

not tonight -- ahhh i have a head ache ---- ohhhhhhhhh not now go to sleep

 

we can't do it - -or our head would explode

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SummerDreams

SummerDreams

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A lot of the time the husband is a good guy trying to connect with a woman that just wont try.

 

This is a red flag whatever the reason might be. If there a problem in the marriage and one part won't try to solve it, then long term it's a valid reason to just divorce.

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D.Mc.

D.Mc.

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Now that I think of it, creating the spreadsheet was the nicest thing he could have done.

 

From what I've seen most guys wanting some but not getting any from the wife create a profile on OLD either admitting to being married but in a "sexless" relationship or just putting in a shot of their excellent bodies from the neck down & specifying: "not looking for a commitment of any kind" with no other profile info except: ask me.

 

I swear I'm going to at least message one of these guys one of these days...

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hotpotato

hotpotato

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hot it is just a guy thing

 

when comfortable and romance (well yea -- we are all to blame for that one)

 

but as for wanting sex - -well --- never know a guy to say -- ahhhhhhhhhh

not tonight -- ahhh i have a head ache ---- ohhhhhhhhh not now go to sleep

 

we can't do it - -or our head would explode

 

Well, I did-my ex. The man wouldn't touch me. He had every excuse in the book.

It happens to men,too.

 

Sometimes the gender stereotype gets flipped.

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