So a husband created a spreadsheet documenting a lack of sex

[sillyanswer]

Then why bother, unless he was trying to be a passive aggressive jerk?

 

I imagine it was a follow-up from a previous discussion/argument, but as I've said before we don't know the full picture and his communication style isn't great. However, one answer to "why bother" is probably because he'd like things to be different to how they are.

[hotpotato]

I imagine it was a follow-up from a previous discussion/argument, but as I've said before we don't know the full picture and his communication style isn't great. However, one answer to "why bother" is probably because he'd like things to be different to how they are.

 

Why bother might actually be better, for both of them. He can't make her have sex with him, whether it be by asking everyday or via Excel.

[serial muse]

hot it is just a guy thing

 

when comfortable and romance (well yea -- we are all to blame for that one)

 

but as for wanting sex - -well --- never know a guy to say -- ahhhhhhhhhh

not tonight -- ahhh i have a head ache ---- ohhhhhhhhh not now go to sleep

 

we can't do it - -or our head would explode

 

Not true.

And as I said earlier, thanks to the above stereotype, a woman complaining of a sexless relationship generally gets accused of being responsible because she changed how she looks (i.e. gained weight). Because there can't possibly be any other reason a guy would stop wanting sex (unless he's boning someone else, in which case it's because his partner gained weight, and so it goes).

 

It's pretty much a trope at this point. There's very little support for women in a sexless relationship.

 

But anyway. That's not what's happening here. And to be honest, I'm seriously wondering if this whole spreadsheet story is made up. That commenter doesn't seem to have any followup posts...?! Seems highly unlikely that someone would drop a bomb about their relationship like this, and then offer nothing further, even just a followup comment. I'm not sure I'm buying it.

 

Edited to add: Admittedly, I haven't read all the comments, so don't know if she returned under another name. But still.

Edited July 23, 2014 by serial muse

[sillyanswer]

Why bother might actually be better, for both of them. He can't make her have sex with him, whether it be by asking everyday or via Excel.

 

Of course not. I'm guessing that he's frustrated either at the lack of sex or by a perceived lack of understanding on her part about his level of concern about the lack of sex. I doubt that this is the first time he's raised it. She's aware (if you believe her responses to some of the comments in reddit) that their sexual frequency has declined.

 

If he's not happy with some part of the relationship - in this case the frequency of sex - I think he absolutely should bother and should try to express that, because suffering in silence isn't going to lead to happiness.

[Keenly]

How many ladies her would be sexually aroused by a spreadsheet documenting lack of sex?

 

Not me.

 

How many men would be okay getting turned down by their wife over 70% of the time and be told that she would rather watch a 20 year old TV show?

[sillyanswer]

Edited to add: Admittedly, I haven't read all the comments, so don't know if she returned under another name. But still.

 

It's been widely reported that she did respond under her original username.

[Keenly]

If there is one thing I know about marriage, its that you don't take your issues to outside ears, especially sexual issues. You work it out between the two of you . This woman sure violated that one.

 

 

I'm curious about the timeline. Did she post it on reddit and then he , also a reddit user, see it and then become furious that she put their personal business out there for the world to see, basically mocking him and invalidating his concerns?

 

Because if that were the case, I'd probably ignore her attempts to contact me too.

[Candy_Pants]

Then why bother, unless he was trying to be a passive aggressive jerk?

 

When I was being kept at arm's length by an SO I recorded times he said yes and no. And if it was cuddling, kissing, or sex.

 

Wasn't going to prove it to HIM, it was to record it for myself, because I felt like I was going nuts. "Maybe it's not that bad", "maybe he says yes more often than I think", "maybe I'm exaggerating".

 

I wasn't. He never saw it because I just ended things.

[Els]

How many men would be okay getting turned down by their wife over 70% of the time and be told that she would rather watch a 20 year old TV show?

 

Wasn't you the one who called an ex-girlfriend 'inconsiderate' when she got mad over you turning her down for sex because you wanted to relax and play video games?

[Candy_Pants]

If there is one thing I know about marriage, its that you don't take your issues to outside ears, especially sexual issues. You work it out between the two of you . This woman sure violated that one.

 

Were their names used? I don't think its appropriate to make public BUT we have many threads from married women (myself included) asking for help with sexual issues on this forum. Some posters here know my real name. I don't feel that what I'm doing is wrong.

[Keenly]

Wasn't you the one who called an ex-girlfriend 'inconsiderate' when she got mad over you turning her down for sex because you wanted to relax and play video games?

 

I would have probably used the word insecure over inconsiderate.

 

I was working 60 hours a week, and sometimes 14 hour days. I'd come home exhausted. Then when I didn't want to have sex, she would quite literally launch off into how ugly she was, how I must not find her attractive because I didn't want to have sex, and then she would go start talking to other guys. ( I only turned down sex like 6 times, still was not enough to keep her from going elsewhere for her validation )

[Keenly]

Were their names used? I don't think its appropriate to make public BUT we have many threads from married women (myself included) asking for help with sexual issues on this forum. Some posters here know my real name. I don't feel that what I'm doing is wrong.

 

What you are doing is not wrong because you are not doing anything as an attempt to mock your husband.

 

Its.one thing to ask for advice. Its another to just hate on your spouse for the world to see.

[joystickd]

I imagine it was a follow-up from a previous discussion/argument, but as I've said before we don't know the full picture and his communication style isn't great. However, one answer to "why bother" is probably because he'd like things to be different to how they are.

How should he have handled it since his communication style isn't that great? I take it that he has tried to communicate and it fell on deaf ears. It was his way of getting attention to the situation. I will agree it wasn't a great way, but you have a frustrated person here and let's be honest emotions make people do illogical things. My thing is if you get to a point where you can make a spreadsheet then it's time to charge her to the game. The sad thing about it is that she is cheating and more than likely telling her OM everything and laughing about it "Oh that dumbass I call a husband made a spreadsheet of our sex life. I just give him some to shut him up.". The OM just looking and more than likely giving a dry laugh. She is also giving him some sob story too. He felt like he ran out of options. His best bet was actually to end it before it got to that point. If she felt that way she should have been mature enough to actually end it but like I said before she wanted to keep this going so he could be the bad guy and she could be the innocent party.

[Els]

I would have probably used the word insecure over inconsiderate.

 

I was working 60 hours a week, and sometimes 14 hour days. I'd come home exhausted. Then when I didn't want to have sex, she would quite literally launch off into how ugly she was, how I must not find her attractive because I didn't want to have sex, and then she would go start talking to other guys. ( I only turned down sex like 6 times, still was not enough to keep her from going elsewhere for her validation )

 

So you do understand that sometimes people just don't feel like it, and that when their partner goes about handling the rejection poorly (like making that spreadsheet, or going off at them...), it makes things worse.

[sillyanswer]

It's been widely reported that she did respond under her original username.

 

..and now that I've figured out how reddit works, and read her responses, I see one where she says that they used to have sex about 3-5 times per week. If her recollection is accurate then I can see why her husband might be concerned at how different things are now. She does go on to explain some things about how she feels about herself (she doesn't like what she sees in the mirror having developed a muffin top, and doesn't like having sex when she's sweaty and gross from the gym, for example). I'm not sure if she's expressed that first part to her husband or if he realises it, but having low self esteem about her body shape could be one cause of a declining sex drive.

[Keenly]

So you do understand that sometimes people just don't feel like it, and that when their partner goes about handling the rejection poorly (like making that spreadsheet, or going off at them...), it makes things worse.

 

And what happens when they don't feel like for months? Years? When it gets to that point, it becomes clear their partners needs are not a priority to them.

[sillyanswer]

How should he have handled it since his communication style isn't that great?

 

I don't know. Perhaps he's tried things that would get less criticism than sending an email just as she leaves on a trip, and observed that they haven't worked. "Honey, why don't we have sex as often as we used to? Is everything okay?" would be better than what he's just done (but not perfect) ... but perhaps he already tried that, or perhaps he's a poor communicator, or perhaps she's a poor communicator (or both).

 

There's one comment from her on reddit that says that he bottles stuff up but that they are discussed maturely... but she also says that those are "real issues", perhaps implying that she doesn't think this one is serious/important.

 

I take it that he has tried to communicate and it fell on deaf ears. It was his way of getting attention to the situation. I will agree it wasn't a great way, but you have a frustrated person here and let's be honest emotions make people do illogical things.

 

Agreed. Deaf ears, or she didn't understand how important it was to him. I'm guessing that lack of sex is just a symptom of whatever is wrong, but from his point of view it's what he's seeing so it's what he can talk about... so he isn't asking the right questions (and doesn't know what those are).

 

My thing is if you get to a point where you can make a spreadsheet then it's time to charge her to the game. The sad thing about it is that she is cheating and more than likely telling her OM everything and laughing about it "Oh that dumbass I call a husband made a spreadsheet of our sex life. I just give him some to shut him up.". The OM just looking and more than likely giving a dry laugh. She is also giving him some sob story too. He felt like he ran out of options. His best bet was actually to end it before it got to that point. If she felt that way she should have been mature enough to actually end it but like I said before she wanted to keep this going so he could be the bad guy and she could be the innocent party.

 

I think you're speculating rather a lot to conclude that she's cheating. Her sex drive could have dipped for all sorts of reasons. She seems to have given some of those in her comments in reddit.

[Keenly]

..and now that I've figured out how reddit works, and read her responses, I see one where she says that they used to have sex about 3-5 times per week. If her recollection is accurate then I can see why her husband might be concerned at how different things are now. She does go on to explain some things about how she feels about herself (she doesn't like what she sees in the mirror having developed a muffin top, and doesn't like having sex when she's sweaty and gross from the gym, for example). I'm not sure if she's expressed that first part to her husband or if he realises it, but having low self esteem about her body shape could be one cause of a declining sex drive.

 

 

The sweaty and gross thing is a little ridiculous. She needs to stop making excuses and just be honest and say she doesn't want to.

 

If it really was the feeling gross part, she would take a shower, all of 10 minutes of effort. But she doesn't and then goes to sleep "sweaty and gross."

 

She needs to be honest and just say she doesn't want to have sex. I would actually look forward to what the excuses are when she tries to switch them up as to not look suspicious.

[sillyanswer]

The sweaty and gross thing is a little ridiculous. She needs to stop making excuses and just be honest and say she doesn't want to.

 

If it really was the feeling gross part, she would take a shower, all of 10 minutes of effort. But she doesn't and then goes to sleep "sweaty and gross."

 

I agree that taking a shower should fix being sweaty, and that she's just making an excuse... but applying logic to an emotional thing probably won't solve it.

 

She needs to be honest and just say she doesn't want to have sex. I would actually look forward to what the excuses are when she tries to switch them up as to not look suspicious.

 

I suspect the honesty is that she doesn't feel sexy, given what she's written in comments in that reddit thread. I don't think there's anything suspicious here, other than perhaps her not admitting to him that she just doesn't feel sexy and that she ends up making other excuses to mask that. (So, he's not the only one who isn't the greatest communicator.)

[kaylan]

When I was being kept at arm's length by an SO I recorded times he said yes and no. And if it was cuddling, kissing, or sex.

 

Wasn't going to prove it to HIM, it was to record it for myself, because I felt like I was going nuts. "Maybe it's not that bad", "maybe he says yes more often than I think", "maybe I'm exaggerating".

 

I wasn't. He never saw it because I just ended things.

Speaking of records, I have an excel file with the names of the women I slept with, the seriousness of our relationship (and how much I liked them), ethnicity, and our chemistry.

 

Not a lot of women. Definitely an average amount, maybe considered low by some. But I figured I never wanted to forget the experiences in the future, so I just sat down one day a few months ago and tried to remember everything from my romantic life. So I created the file and its like a digital black-book. Nothing too in-depth, but enough to jog my memory if I ever wanted to think back on life.

[joystickd]

I don't know. Perhaps he's tried things that would get less criticism than sending an email just as she leaves on a trip, and observed that they haven't worked. "Honey, why don't we have sex as often as we used to? Is everything okay?" would be better than what he's just done (but not perfect) ... but perhaps he already tried that, or perhaps he's a poor communicator, or perhaps she's a poor communicator (or both).

 

There's one comment from her on reddit that says that he bottles stuff up but that they are discussed maturely... but she also says that those are "real issues", perhaps implying that she doesn't think this one is serious/important.

 

 

 

Agreed. Deaf ears, or she didn't understand how important it was to him. I'm guessing that lack of sex is just a symptom of whatever is wrong, but from his point of view it's what he's seeing so it's what he can talk about... so he isn't asking the right questions (and doesn't know what those are).

 

 

 

I think you're speculating rather a lot to conclude that she's cheating. Her sex drive could have dipped for all sorts of reasons. She seems to have given some of those in her comments in reddit.

Low self esteem women cheat. I was OM to one that had low self esteem. Boyfriend would rather play world of war craft than have sex with her. She texted me pics of her in lingerie and him sitting at the computer. She may have put those reasons up there but what woman will publicly post on a site that their partner uses that they cheat.She doesn't see it as an issue because she found D somewhere else

[kaylan]

..and now that I've figured out how reddit works, and read her responses, I see one where she says that they used to have sex about 3-5 times per week. If her recollection is accurate then I can see why her husband might be concerned at how different things are now. She does go on to explain some things about how she feels about herself (she doesn't like what she sees in the mirror having developed a muffin top, and doesn't like having sex when she's sweaty and gross from the gym, for example). I'm not sure if she's expressed that first part to her husband or if he realises it, but having low self esteem about her body shape could be one cause of a declining sex drive.

I could buy that somewhat. Ive never been self conscious about my body. Im actually very confident naked during sex, but feel weird being seen naked otherwise lol.

 

Anyways, my big thing is my face. I think Im cute-ish, but I have some imperfections I really dislike on my face. Acne scars and some uneven pigmentation from my teenage years. Because of this I usually pull away or look away if a girl stares into my face or holds my face too long.

 

You know how sometimes a woman will just gaze into your eyes up close. Yeah, not a fan of that. I assume they are checking out my flaws. I was better about this with my ex though, since she also had similar skin issues.

 

So basically, I could possibly get how this wife wouldnt be too thrilled about sex if she was very self conscious. However, with all this said, some girls have been very empathetic and complimenting enough that I wouldnt think about my skin so much. So if this woman's husband is accepting of her and doesnt make an issue of her weight, I dunno then.

 

Their situation just seems typical of a couple that gets married and their sex life goes in the trash-bin.

[hotpotato]

How many men would be okay getting turned down by their wife over 70% of the time and be told that she would rather watch a 20 year old TV show?

 

If he's asking everyday, he should stop asking everyday. Obviously, it isn't working. If he knows she's going to say no, why ask, especially everyday? That would also fix his 70% failure rate. Nagging her and rubbing it in her nose doesn't help.

 

As i've said time and time again in this thread, i've btdt.

 

However, I dont think he was trying to get sex. I think he was trying to win a power struggle.

[sillyanswer]

If he's asking everyday,

 

He wasn't, as a cursory glance at the spreadsheet will confirm.

[hotpotato]

Of course not. I'm guessing that he's frustrated either at the lack of sex or by a perceived lack of understanding on her part about his level of concern about the lack of sex. I doubt that this is the first time he's raised it. She's aware (if you believe her responses to some of the comments in reddit) that their sexual frequency has declined.

 

If he's not happy with some part of the relationship - in this case the frequency of sex - I think he absolutely should bother and should try to express that, because suffering in silence isn't going to lead to happiness.

 

if she's aware of it, he wasted his time. Why would he think she hadn't noticed sex had declined?

 

I'm sure he was frustrated, by that doesn't mean act immaturely.

 

Putting it in her face is only going to push her away and further the power struggle. Maybe if he would give her a little distance and time to sort thing out within herself, she'd come around. He's being codependent and controlling which is making things worse.