Confused about the LD break-up and need ADVICE or CONSOLATION FROM KINDRED SOULS!

[BM30153]

Need opinion from some of kindred souls out there, who may have gone through a Long distance breakup:

 

I recently ended things with someone I had been dating Long Distance for about 5 months. We had been long-distance since meeting, but was seeing each other once every month. I broke up with him b/c I felt that he was pulling away emotionally and also because I sensed that he wasn't ready for a more seriously committed relationship. I'm a lot older than him and am established in my career, while he is just starting out in his career, barely making much and is still living with the parents. I always knew that he was not anywhere close to "settling down" and I thought that our relationship would just be a "fun, end-of-summer fling." He came on quite strong in the beginning and was very persistent in pursuing me....calling me multiple times a day and telling me how much he misses me, etc. I was initially very resistant to the idea of being exclusive with him because of the age and geographic differences, but secretly, harbored hopes that things could eventually work out between us.

 

Well, things finally came to a head in early January when I mentioned to him that I was willing to relocate to his city in a year's time to be with him. His response was less than enthusiastic. Basically, he said that he was not ready to have me move there for him b/c then my whole life would be around him and that is a huge responsibility on his shoulder should things NOT work out for us. Also, he is planning on coming out here in 6 months to work, but even still, that opportunity is a long shot. Anyway, his response really bothered me, but I didn't say anything and let it fester. When I saw him again a week later (I flew over to see him on a whim), I was still somewhat hurt by our last conversation regarding my move to his city, so I was being a royal pain and we ended up bickering the whole weekend. At one point, during my drunken stupor, I said some really unnecessarily nasty and mean things to him, implying that he was inadequate (in many ways) because of his financial situation and his age, etc. I yelled at him about his ex-girlfriend who was also much older than him and how much of an a**h*** he was for cheating on her with me.

 

Fast forward to three weeks after that unfortunate incident, he started a new (more stressful) job and I began to sense that he was beginning to pull away emotionally. After about 3 weeks of this, I finally pulled the plug because I felt I couldn't get through to him anymore. The phone calls were less frequent and the quality of the conversation was just lacking the same level of enthusiasm and energy that he used to have with me. I finally have had it, so I confronted him (over the phone) about what was going on and that I wanted a "break" because I just felt like he was NOT thinking about me as often as he used to. At first, he didn't quite understand what was going on and didn't want to break up. But when I asked him how he really felt about me b/c my feelings for him is so strong that I think about him all the time and am even willing to relocate my life for him, he finally said that he agreed the dynamics of the relationship has changed and that he wasn't as "into me" as he used to be. At that point, I finally had to end it b/c I simply couldn't be with someone who couldn't reciprocate the same level of feelings. He said he was sorry and never wanted to hurt me but that he doesn't know why his feelings have changed.

 

At any rate, I broke the NC after a week. I had proposed going out to see him for a "weekend of fun" with no "strings attached" b/c I know the issues between us will not just go away on its own. He is a great guy to hang out with and we always have a good time together, so I thought "why not." This past week, we've been talking several times and the conversation seem to be normal and friendly with a little flirting. But when I brought up the option of my going out there, his response is always, "Sure, if you want to come over. But I don't want to confuse things for you because you know that I can't reciprocate the feelings you have for me." But in the same conversation, he also said he was very sad about the breakup and still likes me too.

 

I'm about to throw in the towel now and just go over there and see him one last time. I miss him so much! This break-up is harder than I had anticipated even though I was the one who initiated the break-up. There is a big part of me that wants to reconcile things with him, but what is holding me back is that on a rational level, I know this relationship has a small chance of working out b/c of where we are in our lives. He is just not ready to give me what I want, which is a serious, long-term committed relationship. He is okay with having just a "girlfriend" and see how things go. But, I'm ready for more and, unfortunately, have become very attached to him. I feel so paralyzed most of the time with my heart and my head constantly fighting.

 

My question to you, is did I make a hasty decision? He hasn't really made an effort to reach out to me, except to return my calls, etc. But every time we talk, he is very nice and sweet. Is he being polite b/c he doesn't want to hurt me? Would it be crazy if I decide to change my mind? Or have I passed that Rubicon? One other alternative is to go NC cold turkey and not talk UNTIL he gets out here....but I just don't think we'll feel the same about each other by that point. Does anybody have any experience with that? Breaking up for a while and then rekindling things down the road? How did you handle the NC during the gap? ANY ADVICE would be appreciated....am so confused and in pain right now!

[westernxer]

The two of you are not on the same page. He's younger and has started a new job that is very demanding. Sounds like he wants a casual relationhip, that's all. He probably has a lot of ambition right now... a serious relationship would only hinder his grand opportunity to make something of himself. I know a lot of guys who are just like him, and none of them are thinking about settling down or getting serious until they've reached some of the other goals they've set for themselves, namely job security and financial growth. Nothing else matters. If they meet a girl, it's never for the long haul. A weekend here, a weekend there, then back to work they go to make more money. If the girl wants to hang out, fine. But she's going to be hating life when she loses control of her feelings, because the guy's going to put her on hold.

 

You, on the other hand, are looking for something deeper and more meaningful, and you need to find a guy who shares that same outlook. Your current beau hasn't reached that stage yet, and he probably won't for a few years, at the very least. You also have to consider your difference in age. This has a lot to do with how each of you chooses to approach this matter. Nothing wrong with what you're looking for, but you have to direct your efforts toward someone else. It doesn't matter if you're established in a career and are willing to put in more than your share. If the guy has a breadwinner mentality, there's no way he'll compromise. Not for anyone, until he feels he's ready to take the plunge.

 

Right now is not that time. He said he likes you, but not enough to want to be near you all or most of the time. Maybe he's just a coward to come out and say it, or maybe he's like this with every girl he meets.

[BM30153]

Westernxer, thanks for your words of wisdom. And I've heard the same rationale from many of my friends and also from myself. Everyday, I wake up thinking about him and wondering what he's doing and if he misses me at all. I know on many levels that he cannot give me what I want, but I can't help the way I feel. Everyday, I am tempted to contact him, but have to stop myself from doing so b/c I just don't see the point of going down that path again. It is just too painful.

 

How bad would it be to see him again one last time? We broke up over the phone due to the distance....there is a big POND separating us. I had bought my ticket to go see him on President's Day weekend and he had planned a great weekend for me....at first, I was still going to go despite better judgements, but when he didn't call me back right away, I panicked and that's when I knew I couldn't handle seeing him.

 

For some reason, I can't seem to shake this one. I've been an initiator in a relationship before and have had trouble walking away, but this one has proven to be VERY difficult to do. I am only remembering all the nice things he has done for me....even towards the end, he said he felt very lucky to be with me, even though he could not reciprocate the same level of commitments and feelings that I have/want from him.

 

On some levels, I think I might have acted too hastily.....he never really did anything egregiously wrong....I was the one who was a bit of a jerk in the beginning of the relationship. He wanted to be a proper couple, but I resisted....then he found out I kissed someone whom he despises. Then I lashed out at him that one weekend.....calling him, essentially, a Mama's Boy. Then 3 weeks after that, blindsided him with a break-up.....if you were him, would you consider taking me back? Or would you just go NC (much like he is doing now)...I just can't believe that someone who said they cared so much about you can be so cold the next minute.....

 

Any thoughts would be GREATLY appreciated. Am so confused right now.......still fighting the urge to contact him.