Did my depression kill any chance of reconciliation

[fray5]

I've posted on here before, in anxious attempts to understand my relationship. However, I have come to the conclusion that I had issues pretty bad- anxiety and depression which caused me to obsess over things and it destroyed any happiness I could've felt in the relationship.

 

We are both mid-twenties, were together 1.5 years. She had some issues coming in, which resolved for the most part. However, I ended up getting into a bad depression, went through many different meds to stopping them to constantly trying to diagnose myself. In the end, I blamed her for a lot. I had a tumor also which I think contributed, which is now fixed. When I had the tumor I was told I was a form of bipolar and none of the meds worked, only made me feel worse. I feel like I sabotaged my relationship when I had a girl hanging in there with me. I was selfish and see a lot of horrible ways I acted. I swear I couldn't realize at the time, but the whole relationship was distorted. I've been seeing another therapist that said I had an anxiety disorder and other issues which I'm now working on. I'm taking zoloft and it's already clearing things up which is why I feel so bad. I can finally "feel" and see things for what they were. This is all scary to me to be honest.

We've been broken up for a couple months now, and I saw her a couple days ago as she came and got her stuff. She was very indifferent and seemed much happier. It was weird. I asked her if she ever thought we could work and she said no. She said that something she believed so much in and what happened she couldn't trust anymore. I asked if she thought in the future if it'd work and she said no, it was done forever.

 

Here's what's weird. over the last 36 hours I feel like my head is completely clear and I can see and feel good again. All my obsessive thoughts have slowed and my anxiety finally reduced. I felt like that for such a long time and was miserable. I can see my ex probably thinks I'm just going on and off meds and if I told her she probably wouldn't believe me. I want to call her and tell her "hey, im getting help, really." My hopes would be maybe one day things would work bc she might believe me. It's upsetting I finally feel calm for once. My sister is on an antidepressant and she said it was like a light bulb for her which leads me to think this could be somewhat of a hereditary thing.

 

 

What should I do? I feel like she'll probably just look at it as a last ditch effort of me trying to get her back or could it possibly give her hope that I am getting better and she'll keep that in mind down the road? When I was asking about us getting back together, she started to tear up and said she didn't want to talk about it.

 

Is she really done with me or can trust be restored one day? Will a final phone call telling her I'm getting the right help work? Has she given up on me for good?

[fray5]

can anyone comment?

[longjohn]

I've posted on here before, in anxious attempts to understand my relationship. However, I have come to the conclusion that I had issues pretty bad- anxiety and depression which caused me to obsess over things and it destroyed any happiness I could've felt in the relationship.

 

We are both mid-twenties, were together 1.5 years. She had some issues coming in, which resolved for the most part. However, I ended up getting into a bad depression, went through many different meds to stopping them to constantly trying to diagnose myself. In the end, I blamed her for a lot. I had a tumor also which I think contributed, which is now fixed. When I had the tumor I was told I was a form of bipolar and none of the meds worked, only made me feel worse. I feel like I sabotaged my relationship when I had a girl hanging in there with me. I was selfish and see a lot of horrible ways I acted. I swear I couldn't realize at the time, but the whole relationship was distorted. I've been seeing another therapist that said I had an anxiety disorder and other issues which I'm now working on. I'm taking zoloft and it's already clearing things up which is why I feel so bad. I can finally "feel" and see things for what they were. This is all scary to me to be honest.

We've been broken up for a couple months now, and I saw her a couple days ago as she came and got her stuff. She was very indifferent and seemed much happier. It was weird. I asked her if she ever thought we could work and she said no. She said that something she believed so much in and what happened she couldn't trust anymore. I asked if she thought in the future if it'd work and she said no, it was done forever.

 

Here's what's weird. over the last 36 hours I feel like my head is completely clear and I can see and feel good again. All my obsessive thoughts have slowed and my anxiety finally reduced. I felt like that for such a long time and was miserable. I can see my ex probably thinks I'm just going on and off meds and if I told her she probably wouldn't believe me. I want to call her and tell her "hey, im getting help, really." My hopes would be maybe one day things would work bc she might believe me. It's upsetting I finally feel calm for once. My sister is on an antidepressant and she said it was like a light bulb for her which leads me to think this could be somewhat of a hereditary thing.

 

 

What should I do? I feel like she'll probably just look at it as a last ditch effort of me trying to get her back or could it possibly give her hope that I am getting better and she'll keep that in mind down the road? When I was asking about us getting back together, she started to tear up and said she didn't want to talk about it.

 

Is she really done with me or can trust be restored one day? Will a final phone call telling her I'm getting the right help work? Has she given up on me for good?

Sounds like you may have to deal with the loss of that relationship and learn what you can from it before moving on. It's crap I know but sometimes you just have to let it go and press onward yourself into a better relationship. Best not to beg/whine too much or you'll lose her respect if you haven't already.

[fray5]

Sounds like you may have to deal with the loss of that relationship and learn what you can from it before moving on. It's crap I know but sometimes you just have to let it go and press onward yourself into a better relationship. Best not to beg/whine too much or you'll lose her respect if you haven't already.

 

Yeah I know what you mean, but I would hope that she could at least somewhat understand what I've been through.

 

So you think it's a bad idea if I call her and tell her I'm finally getting the help I needed all along, wish her the best and say bye?

[BroknHrt]

In all honesty, it sounds like she doesn't really care. It sucks that someone can go from being all over you to not caring at all but things happen and people get detached from relationships.

 

Why does it matter to you that she sees that you are getting help?

[fray5]

You are young. This relationship is tarnished. Better to move on than remain obsessed.

 

As a nurse I see similar issues in patients almost every day. On and off meds. What is actually effective? How long before the next bout of depression?

 

You should just enjoy the clarity you have. Forget about dating for the short term. Set a goal of six months or whatever to be certain that your moods are stabilized. Otherwise you may get into a YoYo situation. You only want yourself to manage at this time and not a relationship.

 

Take up guitar, a language or something to channel your energy. Something that is positive and for self improvement. You have a half century still to find the woman who is right for you.

 

Thanks for the post. It's just so weird and hard to explain, but my mind isn't racing like it was before with all the anxiety. I've had a lot happen in the last several years to trigger it and had no idea I was so unhappy.

 

It's hard to let things go bc if I could've had this mood in the relationship, things would've been different. I'll take the steps you recommend and get myself better. I just need to get in a pattern of where I can be happy and focus on the important things.

 

Do you think this relationship is done for good? I was writing a letter and it's the most clear I've been since everything happened.

[fray5]

In all honesty, it sounds like she doesn't really care. It sucks that someone can go from being all over you to not caring at all but things happen and people get detached from relationships.

 

Why does it matter to you that she sees that you are getting help?

 

Even though she started to cry during our conversation, you don't think she does? It's as if she's just buried all her emotions. I wrote a letter I'd like to email her. Would this be pointless or a bad idea? I want her to see I'm getting help bc I denied it so many times while i was with her

[fray5]

Any thoughts? I appreciate any help

[Mcnulty]

You said so yourself, maybe she's thinking ah, he's on meds or he's off meds, she may be thinking, where is the real you. Not a dig at you at all by the way, I've been on a number of meds and they screwed my mind, hence being off them for the last 7 months, each to their own though, if it helps give you clarity go with the Zoloft and put the rel. down to experience/learning curve.

[fray5]

You said so yourself, maybe she's thinking ah, he's on meds or he's off meds, she may be thinking, where is the real you. Not a dig at you at all by the way, I've been on a number of meds and they screwed my mind, hence being off them for the last 7 months, each to their own though, if it helps give you clarity go with the Zoloft and put the rel. down to experience/learning curve.

 

Why are you on meds and what has been your experience?

[MidwestUSA]

Hey fray! I'll comment later (am half asleep now) when I have a long work shift (tomorrow). So sorry to hear you two broke up.

[fray5]

Hey fray! I'll comment later (am half asleep now) when I have a long work shift (tomorrow). So sorry to hear you two broke up.

 

Always appreciate your help Mid

[Mcnulty]

I'm not on meds, but have been. They blurred my senses, mind and body, couldn't orgasm on a few of them, just a messy cover up of life occurrences that were making me feel depressed.

[fray5]

I'm not on meds, but have been. They blurred my senses, mind and body, couldn't orgasm on a few of them, just a messy cover up of life occurrences that were making me feel depressed.

 

So far so good for me. Except for the fact I see how much my anxiety really made my thinking irrational in the relationship. I feel like I'm coming out of a fog that I've been in for a long time. It's really hard to explain- really happy yet sad for what I realized I've been missing. I feel a lot of guilt right now for how I acted. I'm pretty sure it's too late, should I just accept that and move on? I see I am now where she was a while ago. There was just so much pressure on us both.

[Mcnulty]

Pleased you're feeling better and more positive, it's a platform for your future.

 

It is only too late if your gut tells you...trust what it is saying to you.