rebeccasum69 Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I've been with my boyfriend for over two years and we just moved in together a couple months ago. I really love him but things have come up throughout the two years that make me question whether or not he really loves me and wants to be with ME or he just wants to be with SOMEONE. Especially since he has never been single for more than a couple months between relationships. He admits that he gets attached to people easily and tries as hard as he can to make things work, no matter how hard things get. A little bit about my boyfriend…his first serious relationship (ex #1) lasted about three years and ended about 2 years before we met. They moved in together and several months later, she broke up with him for another guy. After they broke up, not even four months later, he was in a relationship with someone else (ex #2). She cheated on him, but he stayed with her and after about a year, she left him for another guy too. This was about a year before we met. After ex #2, there was another girl that he was never in a relationship with but said he wanted to date, but they just hooked up. A couple months after we started dating, someone told me they heard that ex #2 (who he said he hadn't talked to for almost a year) started texting him and that they had been flirting over text. I confronted him because I had seen a message from her pop up on his phone a few days earlier and he quickly said “That’s my friend ---“, but I didn’t question him. He said she had been the one saying flirty things and he just answered her because he felt bad ignoring her. He also said he didn't tell me because he thought I'd be upset that she was texting him and that he wanted to make both people happy. So his solution is what I don't know can't hurt me and then his ex won't be hurt either?? I wouldn’t have cared that they talked as friends, but the flirty messages are not ok with me!! And the fact that he knew I would be upset but did it anyway makes me wonder if he cared more about her feelings at that point than mine. When we first started dating, he talked about ex #1 quite a bit, to the point that I was wondering if he was really over the relationship. I recently found out through a close friend that they were talking about getting married about a year into their relationship and had gotten as far as planning where he would propose. That hurt to find out because in the 2.5 years we have been dating, he has never once brought up marriage. When he moved in with me, I was helping him unpack and found a box of cards/letters that she had written him. I read one not knowing what it was and then gave the box to him, but just reading that, it seemed like they had a much deeper meaningful relationship than we do. It's hard for me to open up and express to people how much I care and it hurt to see how easy it seemed for his ex to do that. I’ve told him about this and said it doesn’t mean I don’t care. I'm just not sure what to think sometimes. I love him and it seems like he loves me, but I worry that he doesn’t feel as strongly about me as his exes and that he’s still hung up on the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 2 words that describe your boyfriend: Damaged Goods Without proper time to heal, he is doing what's known as rebounding. He's hopping into a new relationship to help cope without fully healing from the previous. Don't get me wrong, some people can release their feelings in a span of a month, but others cannot. Your boyfriend is probably a nice guy, but he's likely at the point where he doesn't 'fall head over heels' in order to avoid being hurt. Honestly, your relationship sounds unhealthy, one-sided, and I think you can do better. If a person is truly committed, they wouldn't need to cover anything up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 After two years why would you move in with him if you didn't know if he loved you? Signing a lease is not that kind of a commitment. Some people heal from break ups faster than others. I always moved on quickly. Is there something specific he could do to reassure you? If so ask him for that thing. I had to teach my husband how to give me certain things I needed to feel secure. I wanted kisses hello & goodbye. Although petty I also had to change the way he signed cards. As for his past, he was burned once & now may be a bit gun shy Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 You are right to consider the strength of your relationship. It is never a good idea to ignore Red Flags when they show up, especially when you are in the dating phase. By the way, couples who cohabitate before marriage have significant obstacles to overcome if they want to have a happy and fulfilling marriage. Studies show that they have poorer communication, higher instances of domestic abuse, lower levels of marital satisfaction, and are more likely to get a divorce (can provide the article if you would like). To summarize - living together is not a good way to prepare for marriage. You have options and one of them is clear by the stats that have been provided. I don't agree that your boyfriend is necessarily "damaged goods" but there are serious issues that probably need to be addressed. Marriage is an exclusive relationship built on trust which becomes the foundation for love. It is hard to build a relationship when there are doubts concerning either partner's commitment. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Blessings! Link to post Share on other sites
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