OK cheated and now wracked with guilt?

[JUSTAGUY81]

Need some advice, I've been with my GF for hmm 13 years now, she was my first and only GF and same for her. Any recently I became friends with someone online, I suppose I was kind of flattered as I never had much luck with women. Anyway she suggest me meet up, I stupidly did, after a bit of fumbling/feeling/touching I got cold feet and back out, couldn't go through with the deed. Immediately I saw the error in my ways and deleted facebook.

 

Although nothing serious happened I've been feeling guilty as hell since, I can't eat, can't sleep and this is all I can think about.

 

As I say I've never done anything like this before and never will again, my heads now all over the place though with guilt and worry, what do I do?

[Javelin]

It's simply really, that guilt you are feeling can be alleviated by telling the truth.

 

And, you also got cold feet because you didn't want to hurt your girlfriend of 13 years and rightfully so. Many people would have went through with it, but you were able to stop; which is good because you probably saved your relationship.

 

If your girlfriend of 13 years is something special, why do you have a wandering eye? Are you curious about other women? The grass is likely not any greener.

[JUSTAGUY81]

It's simply really, that guilt you are feeling can be alleviated by telling the truth.

 

And, you also got cold feet because you didn't want to hurt your girlfriend of 13 years and rightfully so. Many people would have went through with it, but you were able to stop; which is good because you probably saved your relationship.

 

If your girlfriend of 13 years is something special, why do you have a wandering eye? Are you curious about other women? The grass is likely not any greener.

 

Yes I guess I am curious, I've never been with another woman. But surly telling the truth puts this hurt on her?

[Michelle ma Belle]

If you choose to tell her you'll need to prepare yourself for the worst possible outcome because that is a VERY real possibility.

 

Do I condone keeping it a secret forever? Not sure. Only you can answer that question.

 

If you've been having these feelings of curiosity and/or if things between you and your girlfriend have plateaued, you may be at risk of repeating this performance in the future. What happens then? How far will you go the next time?

 

If you truly feel remorseful and this experience only made you realize how much you love your girlfriend and want to be with her, perhaps it's best to keep it to yourself and not run the risk of hurting her and your relationship.

 

It's a tough call and one that only you can make.

 

Good luck.

[carrie_o]

Telling her would hurt her, but her hearing it from someone else would hurt her even more. I say that you should tell her. Let her decide whether she can forgive you.

[Purepony]

Reality check

 

Option 1 you tell her, she gets mad, had all the power and leaves you.

You're done

 

Option 2 forget it like it never happened and stay where you are just calm yourself and the guilt will go away

 

Option 3 you tell her she drill has the upper hand and if you two get married this will always come up and you'll never hear the end of it.

 

I have gone with 2 and so far so good. But its up to your mind and your guilt.

Alot of people won't agree with this but they just judge and will tell you what to do but never follow their own advice

[JUSTAGUY81]

Reality check

 

Option 1 you tell her, she gets mad, had all the power and leaves you.

You're done

 

Option 2 forget it like it never happened and stay where you are just calm yourself and the guilt will go away

 

Option 3 you tell her she drill has the upper hand and if you two get married this will always come up and you'll never hear the end of it.

 

I have gone with 2 and so far so good. But its up to your mind and your guilt.

Alot of people won't agree with this but they just judge and will tell you what to do but never follow their own advice

 

How do u handle the guilt? Does it get easier?

[Purepony]

Time.. keep your cool eventually you will forget. Its traumatic right now because you have questions, its new but at the end of the day its still a memory and it will fade

[Javelin]

How do u handle the guilt? Does it get easier?

 

If you follow Pony's advice, that guilt will never go away and your actions will come back to haunt you.

 

A relationship will not work if truth, honesty, and commitment aren't at 100%.

[FoolishMan]

I would say that OP clearly realises he made a grave mistake! He feels guilt and didn't go through with it.

 

Now then, I am inclined to say just keep quiet and the guilt will subside. If you tell your partner, you will hurt her and risk a breakup. Even if you stay together, she will bring it up in arguments and disagreements and you will continually be reminded of what you almost did.

 

If you weren't so remorseful, I would say tell her but I will stick my neck out and say you put a stop to it just in time, therefore, there is no need to build a mountain out of a mole hill!

 

Of course, if you cannot handle the guilt and telling your partner will help, there there is your answer.

[No Limit]

Don't you think that keeping quiet will affect your relationship as well? You'll behave differently, she'll notice.

And when she asks "What's wrong?" you'll have to lie again. And again and again and again...

[Elle1975]

I don't see the point in telling her since nothing happened. What you will do is alleviate your guilt, and hurt her feelings.

 

I personally think you need to take the punishment of feeling like crap over it.

 

Not all truths are good to be told. You stopped whatever was going on before you couldn't take it back.

 

Since you love her that much, it might be time to put a ring around her finger.

[Diezel]

She'll probably laugh at you if you tell her about this.

 

I thought you meant that you seriously cheated on her, not this.

[BetrayedH]

Personally, I don't think it's right to trick her into staying with you. You're not protecting her by lying to her; you're protecting yourself.

 

If you respect her, give her the truth and more importantly, give her the respect of making her own informed decision.

 

It's also important to fix yourself. Cheating was a piss-poor decision. And don't pretend that what you did was no big deal; if it wasn't a big deal then you wouldn't be hiding it. So, you made this piss-poor decision to cheat on her. That's a pretty big character flaw. If you successfully hide it, you'll have learned nothing but that you can successfully hide cheating. Oh, and you'll have learned that adding lying to cheating is a another successful solution. Any of this really sound like the right thing to do? I'll clue you in: lying about cheating is not the right thing to do. Quit trying to do a bunch of mental gymnastics to pretend like you're doing her a service here.

 

Fess up. Ask for forgiveness. Another free clue: a voluntary confession is what demonstrates that you might actually deserve the forgiveness.

[Elle1975]

I really would not want to know.

 

Nothing happened. He learned his lesson.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to begin by asking yourself why you did it, and how you let it go so far (meeting up and getting physical) before reality hit you.

[Justanaverageguy]

I really would not want to know.

 

Nothing happened. He learned his lesson.

 

I agree. I have been cheated on and I can tell you it scars you.

 

If a partner of mine did this .... I would honestly prefer that she did not tell me and instead simply realized the error of her ways, made a conscious choice to learn from her mistake and committed to the relationship and being a better partner going forward.

 

I know you did cross a theoretical "cheating line" but I think in the end you did the right thing and pulled back. Some would say cheating is cheating .... but personally I think if you made that choice to not follow through ... then its a different situation. Others may disagree.

 

I think you should sit down and figure out why you were tempted - figure out if you still want to be with your partner. If you do ... then do everything you can to resolve the issues your having. If you don't then make the hard choice and break up with her.

 

Either way I would not tell her .... doing so will severely and needlessly impact her. The truth will not always set you free.

[BetrayedH]

Nothing happened.

 

Hmm. Nothing happened but it's important that he lie to her about it, presumably for the rest of their relationship, perhaps taking it to the grave?

 

Sorry, you can't have it both ways.

[Thicke2013]

I agree. I have been cheated on and I can tell you it scars you.

 

If a partner of mine did this .... I would honestly prefer that she did not tell me and instead simply realized the error of her ways, made a conscious choice to learn from her mistake and committed to the relationship and being a better partner going forward.

 

I know you did cross a theoretical "cheating line" but I think in the end you did the right thing and pulled back. Some would say cheating is cheating .... but personally I think if you made that choice to not follow through ... then its a different situation. Others may disagree.

 

I think you should sit down and figure out why you were tempted - figure out if you still want to be with your partner. If you do ... then do everything you can to resolve the issues your having. If you don't then make the hard choice and break up with her.

 

Either way I would not tell her .... doing so will severely and needlessly impact her. The truth will not always set you free.

 

The truth will always set you free. In this instance it sets him free from the guilt of hiding something from someone he loves. It also sets her free to choose whether or not she wants to be in a relationship with someone like this. It's easy on the surface to look at this and say he did the right thing by not having sex with someone else so it isn't technically cheating. Ask yourself, would you be okay with your SO chatting it up with a member of the opposite sex on fb and flirting with them, sharing details about your life with them. THEN, taking it so far that you meet up with them with the full intention of having sex with them and cheating on your SO?! I don't know many of you that would be okay with this. Sorry OP, but I can't do as some others have done here and make you out to be some sort of super human guy because you suddenly had a bout of conscious when you had your hand down some other woman's pants.

 

With that said, if you are truly remorseful, which I do believe you are, you have to tell her. If you have any hope of a future with her you owe it to her and yourself. Put yourself in her shoes. Wouldn't you want the choice of staying and working on it, or finding someone who would have never let it go that far? Either way, good luck OP.

[Elle1975]

Hmm. Nothing happened but it's important that he lie to her about it, presumably for the rest of their relationship, perhaps taking it to the grave?

 

Sorry, you can't have it both ways.

 

To tell her "the truth" about something that didn't happen is only going to impact their relationship negatively. The guy will clearly never put himself in that position again.

 

He's not some evil douchebag who cheats on his gf or wife. After 13 years, he got tempted. He resisted temptation and is now slammed with guilt. To see them breaking up is not going to add anything to anybody's day.

[Javelin]

/sarcasm on

 

Might as well throw trust, honesty, and integrity out the window and forget anything ever happened by covering it up with silence - that's exactly how relationships stay healthy these days.

 

/off

 

Seriously people, he didn't have sex, but he EMOTIONALLY CHEATED and came damn near close to it. Not only does she have a right to know, but his emotions are what is causing his guilt. By covering it up, the guilt will consume him and the truth will come out - its just a matter of time.

 

If the truth is told, you do risk losing her, but that's something that should have been considered before the pursuit of false happiness. On the other hand, you might be able to keep her, but that's up to her. My advice is to tell her and use this experience to learn from your mistake, because you will be able to grow from it! If you try to forget, you take the easy way out, and learn nothing. You'll also be hurting your relationship, because you've now introduced a skeleton.

 

I'll say no more, good luck.

Edited July 24, 2014 by Javelin

[BetrayedH]

To tell her "the truth" about something that didn't happen is only going to impact their relationship negatively. The guy will clearly never put himself in that position again.

 

He's not some evil douchebag who cheats on his gf or wife. After 13 years, he got tempted. He resisted temptation and is now slammed with guilt. To see them breaking up is not going to add anything to anybody's day.

 

Again, something certainly 'did happen' or the OP wouldn't be here talking about being wracked with guilt and you wouldn't be in favor of lying about it (unless lying to your SO is a casual thing).

 

As for telling the truth having a negative impact, I would suggest that it's not the telling of it that is so much the problem as the fact that it happened: he made serious plans to cheat on her and then lied about it. Perhaps the girl doesn't want to be with a man that's a liar to her, especially after cheating on her. The ability to make such an informed decision adds not just to her day but perhaps the rest of her days. She gets to make her own judgement about how she safeguard's her heart, especially since the OP's judgments about how to protect her emperically suck lately. Read Thicke's post just before yours for a better summary.

 

The way clear of this is to show that the OP has truly learned by virtue of a voluntary confession. If this is no big deal, as you suggest, then she'll be more likely to forgive. Then she has reason to believe he's truly learned something and is truly remorseful. A man who can make such a confession might just be worth keeping around. He'll have proven himself as honest (bonus for the relationship). This sets the stage for an honest and authentic life and partnership with real intimacy. That's not possible for a relationship founded on deception and if I'm going to have a long term partner, I want one that doesn't lie to me.

 

I also don't see how he's learned anything already. There's been no tangible negative reinforcement of those wayward behaviors. And he was positively reinforced by virtue of getting away with it. That's just PSY101. I'm not sure the OP has learned anything except to lie to his SO.

[Javelin]

 

I also don't see how he's learned anything already. There's been no tangible negative reinforcement of those wayward behaviors. And he was positively reinforced by virtue of getting away with it. That's just PSY101. I'm not sure the OP has learned anything except to lie to his SO.

 

 

My point(s) exactly.

 

The thing is, and I hate to label, but not telling the truth is cowardice at best. It has nothing to do with hurting the other person at this point, because you're just making excuses as to why you should lie. Remember, not saying ANYTHING is also considered 'lying by omission.'

 

At the end of the day, it comes down to individual ethics or lack thereof.

[Thicke2013]

To tell her "the truth" about something that didn't happen is only going to impact their relationship negatively. The guy will clearly never put himself in that position again.

 

He's not some evil douchebag who cheats on his gf or wife. After 13 years, he got tempted. He resisted temptation and is now slammed with guilt. To see them breaking up is not going to add anything to anybody's day.

 

 

I'm having a hard time following your logic. What exactly DIDN'T happen here? He DIDN'T have sexual intercourse with another woman. You are correct about that.

 

Now lets take a look at what DID happen. He DID develop a relationship with another woman. He DID get emotionally involved with another woman to the point of becoming physical. He DID make a plan to meet this woman to have sex. He DID actually meet another woman with the intent of having sex. He DID meet this woman and he DID touch her in a sexual manner. He DID kiss her intimately and he most definitely DID intend to break his marriage vows and commitment to his SO.

 

I believe you that he isn't an "evil douchebag" as you stated, but let's stop saying that nothing happened. A lot clearly happened. At this point it shouldn't be only his decision as to whether or not this relationship moves forward. Aside from that, relationships are about working through things together. If she forgives him, it seems they both have things to work on. Most people in happy fulfilling relationships don't go looking for sex with others.

 

Tell her OP. Come completely clean. Don't make excuses. Ask her to forgive you. She will be hurt and mad, but hopefully in the end she will appreciate the fact that you did stop when you obviously didn't have to. You two need to get to a point where you can talk about your issues within your relationship rather than looking outside it or it will never work anyway. Again, good luck OP. I do think you are a good guy that got caught up in the attention of another woman when you felt you weren't getting that attention from your GF.

[tough love]

OP, from personal experience, I suggest telling her the truth. IMO, there is nothing worse than being lied to and tricked into staying in a relationship. Is it fair to her to be deceived? What makes you entitled to knowing the truth and playing her for a fool? Think about what you are truly saying about her if you think you are entitled to keeping the secret. It isn't any easier finding out the truth years later, believe me.