I think she may be lying to me......

[sanne]

I'm really at odds here. I think my girlfriend may be lying to me about a lot of very small insignificant things. For instance, for Valentine's day, she said she had ordered my gift online and that it would come shortly, and she tells me she got me stuff instead because she felt bad but when she came over she says she left it at her house. She then tells me there was a screwup in the shipping and it has to be reshipped. Fast forward to today, I ask her for the tracking number so i can see what's up, and she immediately refuses. That's odd i say to myself, she's making up a lot of real FISHY sounding reasons why she won't give it to me. When I ask her if she ordered it or not, she says that I don't trust her.

 

I'm sorry, i'm a very trusting person, but when it looks like a duck and walks like a duck......it must be a duck. This isn't the first time something like this has happened, another incident i can recall is when she blocked my screenname and i found out accidentally and she totally denied the entire thing. I mean, a computer doesn't lie for christ sakes. I've always let these kind of things go, but you know what I've seen this so many times I'm starting to question whether or not i'm being lied to here.

 

Before you girls jump in and attack me, realize that i wouldn't be suspicious if this didn't happen so many times. I want to get to the bottom of this and find out if she is lying or not, but don't really know how to move from here. I don't think she'll cave in and tell me either because I think she knows I'll dump her if she does tell me she's lying.

[latesleeper]

hey sanne,

 

i hate being lied to! whether white lies or no. i hate it when i suspect and then doubt creeps in, etc.

 

your gf's actions does sound suspicious. do you have a good relationship overall? do you have trust issues? do you talk to each other about everything? just want to know if your gf knows that you want complete honesty.

well, if you love each other, and she knows you'd break up with her if you found out she lied to you, she might be really afraid to tell you the truth. she may have made a mistake or have been foolish, but she doesn't dare to tell you for fear that you might not forgive her.

 

Maybe you can extend a less threatening environment and ask her to be honest with you because that is what you value and that you want to work on making the relationship better and having doubts doesn't make it better. If you gave an ultimatum -- tell me the truth, but if you've lied about anything, i'm going to break up with you -- it's really scary to many people! Especially when they really care about the relationship.

 

Just my two-cents. Hope it works out.

[glitter-gal]

Maybe she has a chronic lying problem?? If she does it ALL THE FREAKING TIME maybe she needs to see a Dr. about it...

 

As for all the girls attacking you.... I'm not gonna do that I COMPLETELY know what you are saying. I will not tolerate lying. I'm in a relationship with a very honest man & I love it. He tells me everthing good and bad whether I want to hear it or not... I think that is how all relationships should be.

 

I mean, how can you respect someone that tells you lies all the time?? How can they respect YOU when they know they can just feed you a lie and get away with whatever it is they are trying to hide??

 

Maybe she's not trying to hide anything, maybe she can't help but fib to make herself look better or for some reason I have no idea..... Or maybe she starts a lie to save your feelings then it just gets bigger and bigger until she can't cover her tracks anymore.

 

Does she keep a journal or something, I mean how on earth do you keep track of so many lies and not expect to be caught??? I personally could not keep them straight in my head...

[sanne]

maybe i'm just tripping but we had a big fight over this last night, and I held my ground and didn't budge the entire time, but she didn't crack. in fact she threatened to walk out on me at one point and was also crying. she tells me why on earth would she lie about something like that she wouldn't ever lie to me, and that I need to start trusting her. her actions were not those of a liar, in fact she acted similarly to how i would if someone wrongly accused me.

 

i guess i need to stop analyzing things and let them be, if she is actually lying to me, i know she'll tell me at some point because she cannot keep a secret to herself. But it does no good for me to be always suspicious of her actions and her motives. so i guess that is that, and i have to let things be despite what my brain is telling me because it really doesn't make any sense that she would lie about these kind of things.

[Butterfly28]

LYING....hmmmm...it's not something anyone likes.

 

HOWEVER...you have to look at what she's lying to you ABOUT and really think to yourself....is WHAT she is lying to you about really THAT BIG OF A DEAL at the end of the day???

 

Valentines for example....OK...she told you she had "BOUGHT" you something. She told you she ordered it on the net, bought it at a store....WHATEVER she told you....at the end of the day....are you THAT CONCERNED that she even got you ANYTHING for Valentine's? I mean I know the issue at hand is about LYING, however Valentine's is about LOVE. Not whether or not someone "bought" you something to SHOW you their love.

 

I do understand your concern as to why she lied to you about it. Or rather, why you SUSPECT she lied to you. Did it ever occur to you that maybe she DIDN'T want to give you the tracking number because she was embarrassed or stressed that something she got for you didn't arrive? Or it didn't work out as planned?

 

As for blocking your screenname - you confronted her and you say she denied it? Do you think she even realizes she did it? Maybe she's "denying" it because she doesn't even realize she blocked it. On the other hand, if she willingly and knowingly blocked it, then that's a different story. It doesn't really make sense why she did if she is your girlfriend and you claim you love each other. I'm still scratching my head on that one.

 

All in all, at the end of the day, you need to evaluate if she really is a "true" compulsive liar or not. Little white lies DO add up. Sometimes ppl lie to protect the other person....although lying in itself still isn't right...lying to protect the other person is not intentional to HURT them. It's to PROTECT them. Either way you will scrutinize her for it. You also have to look at what she's lying to you about. If it's PETTY things, then you need to learn to deal with it. If it was something HUGE. I would not tolerate it.

 

Have YOU ever lied to someone? EVER? EVER? EVER???? Was it a white lie? A big lie? Fact of the matter is, even the most honest people have lied at some point in their lives. Even I have. No one is perfect. We are all human and we all make mistakes. The key here is to find out if she is lying to you just for the sport of it. IF that's the case, then you need to deal with it and choose whether or not you want to continue the relationship based on her numerous "fabrications".

 

If you can solve this issue and get past it because you love her, and you want to be with her then that's definitely a good thing. If not, then that's your decision to make.

 

Best of Luck!

[latesleeper]

Maybe you can ask her to help you understand what went on. It sounds like you want to believe her but you need to answer the questions that you have, and for that you need her help. Make it more about you than about her.

And it's true that if she's lying, you'll eventually know. Of course it'd hurt more. If your brain is nagging at you, you ought to address it. Unless you can really let it go. If not, then it's important. Don't negate your needs. If you need to find out more, you need to find out more. Ask her to help you. See if it works.

Good luck.

[sanne]

I don't know what to do anymore now. We spent the night at a hotel, and she receives a phone call at around 11:45 PM. She checks her phone, and she doesn't answer it. She tells me it was her father calling. Next morning i get up, check the phone to see who called it, it was her ex-boyfriend. I confront her, and she starts crying her eyes out trying to explain the situation to me.

 

Apparently there is this party that she is going to tonight and her ex is going to be there since they have mutual friends. She tells me her ex was calling just to see if she was going or not since she was supposed to be driving one of his friends there. Now she told me she lied to me because she didn't want to ruin the mood because she knew i'd be asking questions as to why her ex-boyfriend would be calling so late. While listening to her, I really felt sorry for her, she was admitted she made a completely foolish mistake and repeatedly apologized for it. At the time, I told her I would accept her apology but the next time she lied about anything I would end things right away.

 

Now I'm having second thoughts about my decision. I think my feeling sorry her while she was crying really clouded my judgement, and now I'm not so sure if I should be giving her a second chance. I don't know guys, I'm really confused, I want to believe she made a really stupid mistake last night and that she will be perfect now but I'm just not sure.

[latesleeper]

Hi sanne,

 

My H did a similar thing when someone texted him about nine something at night and I asked who it was. He said the name of a male colleague. Later I checked and it was a female ex-colleague.

I didn't confront him because I didn't want him to know I didn't believe him and I checked. Definitely not as brave as you!

I did eventually ask him why he told me white lies (but didn't specify that incident -- again, not as brave as you) about things and he said that he knew "what I was like" and didn't want to upset me unnecessarily.

Well, after some talking, this is what I figured out -- maybe some stuff you can think about?

 

- Why did your gf think you would be upset?

- Is there something you can do so that she would feel free to tell you such things and not upset you?

(I think your gf's probably sincere about not wanting to upset you)

- If she does something that she doesn't want to tell you because it might upset you, can she consider not doing it in the first place?

- Is there something you can do to assure her that if it's not her fault (e.g. situations or incidents not within her control) and if she tells you about it, you won't blame her?

- Does she really understand that it's more upsetting to you not to know than to know the truth?

 

Hope it helps. Good luck. Trust is such a delicate issue. I tussle with it a lot.

[sanne]

She is very sorry for what she has done, and has repeatedly apologized and really shown me that she doesn't want to hide things from me anymore no matter how inconsequential they may be. I think the large part of it all was that I have always been very abrasive to the subject of her ex, I just don't want him in the picture and don't want to hear about him. She knows me, and she knows that I get uncomfortable whenever she brings him up and I can kinda see her reasoning for not wanting to ruin the whole mood. I know they are just friends, and I need to accept that if we are ever to move on. Today was a very big day, I think she has matured a lot and this could be a turning point in the relationship. I'm hoping we can get ourselves out of this rut that we are currently in, we both want to so badly but everytime we are close something always comes up.