need hlp figuring out my life

[tuxedo cat]

My confidence has never been great but it's at an all time low right now. I'm starting to question whether I'll ever be capable of a career in anything because of my social awkwardness. I'm spending most of my time applying for jobs but I feel lost and bleak. I can't believe I'm in this position as I used to have all this hope for my future. Lately I've been having suicidal thoughts every day, and have even done research about how I would most painlessly end my life. I can't seem to find a focus that I feel good about.

 

I graduated from a good university two years ago with honors (I'm 30 now), thinking I wanted to pursue a career in casting. I immediately got an internship with a local agency. It was great experience and my bosses praised my dedication, reliability and warmth, but ultimately I was not offered a job while two other interns were. Reading between the lines, it was clear that my shyness/awkwardness was to blame. Still, they gave me a stellar letter of recommendation and I moved to NY where I found another internship. This one was nightmarish compared to the one before. I was exploited by a horrible boss who ended up eating away all of my energy and time while constantly berating me behind my back to my supervisor, calling me "weird" and saying I was "obsessed with her" and "had no life" because I did things like occasionally respond to her emails on weekends. My work panned out for them--they found good actors and assistants through my research--but she rarely acknowledged my strengths.

 

I left wondering if the things she had said about me were true. She once remarked to my supervisor that I was basically "useless" and "not good at anything." Of course I took these words to heart.

 

It's sad because I do believe I have ability when it comes to recognizing and unearthing new talent in actors, but the roles that I've filled as an intern have all been menial positions where organization and personality are more important. Ultimately my boss did acknowledge that I have a good eye but whenever I found somebody she liked she pretty much forgot that I had played a role in that person's discovery. I think this is par for the course in this industry.

 

Maybe casting isn't for me but I don't know what else I could feasibly pursue.

 

My strengths:

 

1) I'm super dedicated and good at getting things done thoroughly and on time

2) I have a good eye for talent and I'm good at reading people

3) I'm good at research

4) I'm kind, devoted and generous

5) I'm a good video editor

6) I have an excellent memory for names and faces

 

My weaknesses:

 

1) I sometimes make careless errors and I'm not that organized

2) I'm very socially awkward (apparently)

3) I'm not good at thinking on my toes

 

Should I just give up on casting altogether? Should I go into video editing? The problem is to get into editing I'd need about a year or two to build a video reel--right now I have none. I worry that my age and gender will hold me back while I look for entry level editing positions.

 

Are there other things I should consider pursuing? I feel like I have no time to decide because of my age.

 

I'm also broke so I have no money to see a therapist.

[Anela]

I hate that; I still sometimes feel that way, even though I'm better than I used to be.

 

There should be a way to get some sort of free therapy. I was going to try with one company, here in Ohio, so I know that they exist. I can't remember how my mother found them, though.

 

I can be pretty good at reading people - my spidey sense used to be 100% - but out own insecurities or assumptions can blend in, so you probably aren't always as right as you think you are. I've had similar issues with women in the past - both sexes, due to my social anxiety, but things have been easier for me, since I started to open up, and trusted in the goodness of others again. I know that I had a defensive posture at times, even if I didn't think that I did - I was once filmed at my cousin's wedding, and I looked as though I wanted to run and hide. That sort of thing can make others feel uncomfortable, and you will occasionally run into someone who will use that to pick at you, if they find a reason to dislike you, and have no respect for you (due to timidity, or something else).

 

I have to go, but I do hope that you feel better. I've researched ways to commit suicide, as well - it wasn't long ago that I was there, and my mood is still capable of dipping that low again.

[scobro]

How hard is it to be a casting agent compared to a video editor?.If the industry is swamped with casting people then do video editing.Don't worry what others say that's just their perspective and not based on true reality all the time.Casting sounds very interesting I did extra work for years and was with a casting company in Toronto,Canada.I was even thinking about getting back into it as there is tons of work being done in the movies in Toronto.

[Ronni_W]

It sounds like your boss at the second place was super-threatened by you. From what else you've said, there is NO WAY that you are "basically useless and not good at anything".

Also...you must have some pretty good organizational skills if one of your strengths is "getting things done thoroughly and on time". Perhaps you are just not recognizing how the one fits with the other?

 

Could you build a video reel while working at some other job? In your industry or outside of it. Maybe get a job in something that you feel is more of a hobby...that will pay and you will enjoy, but that you know is just a stop-gap?

 

If you check Tony Robbins (or someone like him) on YouTube, there is lots of great content...life coaching/therapy without having to spend any money. At same site, or Google, "how to succeed in casting" (or something like that) might also offer additional tips...or send your brain/imagination soaring in new directions.

 

Best of luck.

[tuxedo cat]

How hard is it to be a casting agent compared to a video editor?.If the industry is swamped with casting people then do video editing.Don't worry what others say that's just their perspective and not based on true reality all the time.Casting sounds very interesting I did extra work for years and was with a casting company in Toronto,Canada.I was even thinking about getting back into it as there is tons of work being done in the movies in Toronto.

 

It's hard to say. I believe there are more editing jobs but I'm not sure which field has more competition? Advice on how to determine this?

[tuxedo cat]

I've been toying with some new ideas in the last few days: marketing and film development.

 

I'm capable at writing, at research and at selling an idea when it's something I believe in.

 

I know very little about marketing. It's possible I might loathe it. But I'd like to learn more. Does anyone know if it requires being a schmoozer? I'm not a schmoozer.

 

The other idea I had is film/tv development at a small, boutique agency. That might be a good way of applying my various skills and abilities.

 

If I do decide to go this route I really need to broaden my knowledge of the industry. Maybe I can start working on a portfolio of script coverage and proposals.