Forgiving yourself after hurting someone that loves you.

[BC1980]

My OP was more about moving on and forgiveness, not necessarily apologizing. I did apologize simply because I did a few things by accident. It seems this topic went into a different direction.

 

I guess people were saying that apologizing would help you move on and find forgiveness. Opinions are clearly divided. My opinion is that apologizing might help you but probably would not help her. It's seen as patronizing after the fact. I firmly believe that apologizing is most often for the benefit of the one doing the apologizing.

[Biscous]

I guess people were saying that apologizing would help you move on and find forgiveness. Opinions are clearly divided. My opinion is that apologizing might help you but probably would not help her. It's seen as patronizing after the fact. I firmly believe that apologizing is most often for the benefit of the one doing the apologizing.

 

I apologized but she said stuff like "I'm sorry I didn't live up to your standards" and things like that. Of course I apologized for minor incidents.

 

I do NOT think we are compatible and I don't like how she doesn't own up to things..for example she thinks that name calling is OK and has never apologized for it or times she has snapped on me for some of her faults (e.g. her being late to an event and her snapping on me and being short) I do not think my retaliations were the best thing and maybe I didn't convey things properly though, so obviously I'm apologizing for things I could have controlled and that was my behavior at times.

[BC1980]

I apologized but she said stuff like "I'm sorry I didn't live up to your standards" and things like that. Of course I apologized for minor incidents.

 

I do NOT think we are compatible and I don't like how she doesn't own up to things..for example she thinks that name calling is OK and has never apologized for it or times she has snapped on me for some of her faults (e.g. her being late to an event and her snapping on me and being short) I do not think my retaliations were the best thing and maybe I didn't convey things properly though, so obviously I'm apologizing for things I could have controlled and that was my behavior at times.

 

I think apologizing in the immediate aftermath is normal, but your feelings change over time. The way you view the entire relationship changes over time, and you might find yourself wishing you had or hadn't apologized about certain things. I wouldn't advise apologizing after the fact unless it was something agregious. I think the better path is to make peace with yourself.

[SoThatHappened]

I'm the same way with my long term ex. but she treated me like sh*t so it was hard to be civil. Someday I will apologize for the same reason you should do it.

 

 

For you, how about a simple apology?

You will feel much better if you say something like this:

 

First, I am still unsure of my feelings at this point and this is not fair to you however I did want to say this:

I apologize for treating you so poorly.

I regret some of the things I have said and I cant believe I used such hurtful language.

That person is not who I want to be. Nobody should be treated this way, please forgive me.

 

A real man would do it!

 

I want to do this so bad to a former long-term ex, but then most people say this:

 

How about leaving that person alone, enough is enough, no need to apologise because that won't change the past.

 

So, I haven't done it.

 

Really, ladies, if it was truly heartfelt and genuine, would you want an apology?

 

I want to apologize for how I treated her (like a FWB more than a girlfriend) and how I ended it (abruptly and asked her to move out).

 

It's been almost 13 months since that happened and we have had absolutely no contact since.

 

Sure I had my reasons for wanting out. We were not compatible, I was the only strong one, I was in charge of both our happiness, and it was absolutely draining me. I was even having panic attacks.

 

I hate knowing she was devastated, and that I caused it and didn't treat her like she deserved to be treated. I hate that someone I spent so much of my life with is now a stranger after I hurt her, even though we really needed to breakup.

 

Just want to apologize, but don't want to hurt her anymore or ever again.

 

People say to leave them alone to avoid hurting them, so that's what I've done. However, I know for a fact we both love and care for each other, but because of this dogma or whatever it is, we have to "hate" each other.

 

Our lives here are short. Two people who still care about each other can't ever bury the hatchet and at least be civil? Instead they have to completely be out of each other's lives and put on the front that they hate each other?

 

Ugh, if so, I hate it!

[todreaminblue]

I want to do this so bad to a former long-term ex, but then most people say this:

 

 

 

So, I haven't done it.

 

Really, ladies, if it was truly heartfelt and genuine, would you want an apology?

 

I want to apologize for how I treated her (like a FWB more than a girlfriend) and how I ended it (abruptly and asked her to move out).

 

It's been almost 13 months since that happened and we have had absolutely no contact since.

 

Sure I had my reasons for wanting out. We were not compatible, I was the only strong one, I was in charge of both our happiness, and it was absolutely draining me. I was even having panic attacks.

 

I hate knowing she was devastated, and that I caused it and didn't treat her like she deserved to be treated. I hate that someone I spent so much of my life with is now a stranger after I hurt her, even though we really needed to breakup.

 

Just want to apologize, but don't want to hurt her anymore or ever again.

 

People say to leave them alone to avoid hurting them, so that's what I've done. However, I know for a fact we both love and care for each other, but because of this dogma or whatever it is, we have to "hate" each other.

 

Our lives here are short. Two people who still care about each other can't ever bury the hatchet and at least be civil? Instead they have to completely be out of each other's lives and put on the front that they hate each other?

 

Ugh, if so, I hate it!

 

who tells you to hate each other????...i would question anyones motives who told me to hate someone...in fact i have had people in my life hate people(namely guys) because they have hurt me i ask them not to hate them it doesnt actually breed anything but unhappiness.....and there's a difference from being hurt and feeling hurt than there is to feeling hate....even with hurting theres anger but it isnt hate.....deb

[SoThatHappened]

who tells you to hate each other????...i would question anyones motives who told me to hate someone...in fact i have had people in my life hate people(namely guys) because they have hurt me i ask them not to hate them it doesnt actually breed anything but unhappiness.....and there's a difference from being hurt and feeling hurt than there is to feeling hate....even with hurting theres anger but it isnt hate.....deb

 

That's why I put the word hate in quotes. I said multiple times that I still care about her and I know she still cares about me. You missed the point entirely.

[BC1980]

I want to do this so bad to a former long-term ex, but then most people say this:

 

 

 

So, I haven't done it.

 

Really, ladies, if it was truly heartfelt and genuine, would you want an apology?

 

I want to apologize for how I treated her (like a FWB more than a girlfriend) and how I ended it (abruptly and asked her to move out).

 

It's been almost 13 months since that happened and we have had absolutely no contact since.

 

Sure I had my reasons for wanting out. We were not compatible, I was the only strong one, I was in charge of both our happiness, and it was absolutely draining me. I was even having panic attacks.

 

I hate knowing she was devastated, and that I caused it and didn't treat her like she deserved to be treated. I hate that someone I spent so much of my life with is now a stranger after I hurt her, even though we really needed to breakup.

 

Just want to apologize, but don't want to hurt her anymore or ever again.

 

People say to leave them alone to avoid hurting them, so that's what I've done. However, I know for a fact we both love and care for each other, but because of this dogma or whatever it is, we have to "hate" each other.

Our lives here are short. Two people who still care about each other can't ever bury the hatchet and at least be civil? Instead they have to completely be out of each other's lives and put on the front that they hate each other?

 

Ugh, if so, I hate it!

 

I personally would not want an apology from my long term ex. I don't care if he is sorry because the damage has been done. His time to do the right thing was when we were in the relationship, not an apology afterwards. It would mean practically nothing to me if he apologized, and it would only serve to get me emotionally involved in him again. I don't want that at all. I don't want to get emotional about him in any way. I want to move on, not have an ex from the past come to me with an apology. If he feels the need to apologize, that's not my problem. He needs to resolve his guilt without me.

 

No one said you need to hate her or she hate you. But how do you know she loves and cares for you if you haven't talked to her in 13 months? How do you know what she feels for you? In all probability, she is in a completely different place than she was during the breakup. Most people who have been dumped are looking to get as far away from their exes as possible, and an apology is not necessary. She probably doesn't care one bit but simply wants to forget about you. Harsh but true.

[BC1980]

That's why I put the word hate in quotes. I said multiple times that I still care about her and I know she still cares about me. You missed the point entirely.

 

Even if she does care about you, what does that have to do with an apology? I don't want any harm for my ex, but I still don't want to hear from him. It's disruptive to hear from someone after an extended period of time, and it brings up emotions that you are trying not to revisit. I'm telling you that it's damaging to the person you apologize to in most cases. I think your heart is in the right place, but an apology is not what most people are looking for. You can care for her and not speak to her again. Sometimes, there is so much pain connected to a certain person that it's best to leave it in the past. It's best for all parties involved not to revisit it again.

 

I know it's difficult, but the nature of breakups are painful. There's going to be pain on both sides, and you can't tie all of it up in a nice bow and move on. A lot of life situations just don't work like that, and it's best to learn form it and go your separate ways.

[todreaminblue]

That's why I put the word hate in quotes. I said multiple times that I still care about her and I know she still cares about me. You missed the point entirely.

 

no i didnt you said it is expected you hate your ex i said who...and then i tangented because i dont understand the word hate........deb

[Biscous]

I didn't *want* an apology from my last ex (not the one in OP another), but it would be a total lie to say that I didn't want closure. That sort of happened when she apologized to me and the times we saw each other after the break up. I forgive her and wish her the best.

 

Do I still have some sort of dislike of what happened? Sure, but I am a better person because of her because it forced me to change myself more. I am actually now thankful that I'm not with her for certain reasons and more or less 'dodged' a bullet' with her and it gave me the opportunity to meet someone more compatible and be more selective.

 

It's much easier to go NC on her because she lives in a different state though and our lives do not coincide with one another. I could be upset about the damage yes, but what good would it be to dwell on the mistakes done in the past?

[BC1980]

I didn't *want* an apology from my last ex (not the one in OP another), but it would be a total lie to say that I didn't want closure. That sort of happened when she apologized to me and the times we saw each other after the break up. I forgive her and wish her the best.

 

Do I still have some sort of dislike of what happened? Sure, but I am a better person because of her because it forced me to change myself more. I am actually now thankful that I'm not with her for certain reasons and more or less 'dodged' a bullet' with her and it gave me the opportunity to meet someone more compatible and be more selective.

 

It's much easier to go NC on her because she lives in a different state though and our lives do not coincide with one another. I could be upset about the damage yes, but what good would it be to dwell on the mistakes done in the past?

 

I don't think it's good to dwell too much on the past. I think you should use the past to guide you into better decision making, which it looks like you are doing.

 

I think the idea of closure is so variable. It means so many things to different people. I personally don't know what closure is. Does that mean I don't care anymore? Does it mean I'm okay with what happened? Does that mean I forgive the other person? Does it mean I come to some enlightened understanding of what happened?

 

I think this whole idea of an apology is some way to get closure on a situation. We think that if we apologize or get an apology, it will bring some great relief, and we can go on about our lives. I don't think it ever works that way unfortunately, though it would be nice if it were that easy.

[me85]

Apologies don't expire. You can apologize for something you did 20 minutes ago, 20 days ago, or 20 years ago.

 

If a person feels they need to apologize for hurting someone, then by all means, apologize. However, that person must first be aware of the possibility that their apology might not be accepted.

 

If it were me, I would apologize regardless of how the other person might respond. I'm a big enough person to admit when I am wrong and take the right course of action to do what needs to be done as a result.

 

Speaking from experience, I was wounded really badly and it makes no difference how many times my ex tells me he's sorry, it doesn't mean anything to me.

 

However, I do not represent everyone on the planet and their feelings.

[SoThatHappened]

no i didnt you said it is expected you hate your ex i said who...and then i tangented because i dont understand the word hate........deb

I apologize for my ignorance.

 

I put hate in quotes as I know, for sure, neither of us actually hate each other. Just that it's a front that dumpers/dumpees put on sometimes, whether or not it's through NC. I should have stated it a little better.

 

I went NC to let her heal. She was hurt and I know she said bad things about me even though I know she loves me. We spent half of our lives together, and no matter what she did prior (cheated on me, was mean) or what I did (left her) we have always loved each other. That doesn't ever go away no matter how mad the individuals are, in my opinion.

 

I do NOT hate my long-term ex. I broke up with her because it was draining me and keeping her from getting what she wanted (marriage and kids). I tried to do it the "right" way, but ended up having to do it in a way I didn't like because she wouldn't accept a face-to-face breakup. Still hurts me to know how I hurt her.

[SoThatHappened]

I personally would not want an apology from my long term ex. I don't care if he is sorry because the damage has been done. His time to do the right thing was when we were in the relationship, not an apology afterwards. It would mean practically nothing to me if he apologized, and it would only serve to get me emotionally involved in him again. I don't want that at all. I don't want to get emotional about him in any way. I want to move on, not have an ex from the past come to me with an apology. If he feels the need to apologize, that's not my problem. He needs to resolve his guilt without me.

 

No one said you need to hate her or she hate you. But how do you know she loves and cares for you if you haven't talked to her in 13 months? How do you know what she feels for you? In all probability, she is in a completely different place than she was during the breakup. Most people who have been dumped are looking to get as far away from their exes as possible, and an apology is not necessary. She probably doesn't care one bit but simply wants to forget about you. Harsh but true.

 

That's exactly what I wanted as a response. An honest reply. Thank you.

 

I'm not saying either of us hate each other. I do know her very well, and I know she has loved me for over half her life. I don't know what her current state or status is.

 

If she doesn't care one bit, I'd be pretty surprised but can handle the truth.

 

I was honestly wondering if an apology for all my short-comings would make her feel better. Like I've said before, I haven't done it because I don't want to hurt her or open an old wound. In my perfect world, an apology from me would give her justification and allow us to be civil if we ever see each other again. Sure, I want to let this guilt go, but not at her expense. Which is why I haven't done it. I don't want to be with her, but would still jump in front of a moving truck to save her... I'll deal with the guilt if it means she doesn't have to hurt now or ever again.

 

Even if she does care about you, what does that have to do with an apology? I don't want any harm for my ex, but I still don't want to hear from him. It's disruptive to hear from someone after an extended period of time, and it brings up emotions that you are trying not to revisit. I'm telling you that it's damaging to the person you apologize to in most cases. I think your heart is in the right place, but an apology is not what most people are looking for. You can care for her and not speak to her again. Sometimes, there is so much pain connected to a certain person that it's best to leave it in the past. It's best for all parties involved not to revisit it again.

 

I know it's difficult, but the nature of breakups are painful. There's going to be pain on both sides, and you can't tie all of it up in a nice bow and move on. A lot of life situations just don't work like that, and it's best to learn form it and go your separate ways.

Ugh... again, thanks for the honest reply.

 

I just want to not go through life, having loved and will always love someone and never be civil.

 

It sucks. We loved each other, it didn't work out, I want to express that I recognize where I was wrong, we can be civil if/when we see each other, and we can move on without this stigma...

 

It sucks that two people who spent half their lives together can't be cordial and recognize that it just didn't work. Instead, it had to resort to an ugly breakup, no contact, and never speaking again. I just want us both to realize that it didn't work, but we don't have to spend the rest of our lives regretting things and keeping up this persona that the other one doesn't exist when that's the complete opposite of the truth.

[todreaminblue]

I apologize for my ignorance.

 

I put hate in quotes as I know, for sure, neither of us actually hate each other. Just that it's a front that dumpers/dumpees put on sometimes, whether or not it's through NC. I should have stated it a little better.

 

I went NC to let her heal. She was hurt and I know she said bad things about me even though I know she loves me. We spent half of our lives together, and no matter what she did prior (cheated on me, was mean) or what I did (left her) we have always loved each other. That doesn't ever go away no matter how mad the individuals are, in my opinion.

 

I do NOT hate my long-term ex. I broke up with her because it was draining me and keeping her from getting what she wanted (marriage and kids). I tried to do it the "right" way, but ended up having to do it in a way I didn't like because she wouldn't accept a face-to-face breakup. Still hurts me to know how I hurt her.

 

my long term ex hurt me quite badly when he had an affair and left me.....i think in a way he did it to try and break my love for him....he just hurt me instead..he threatened me while in a mental hospital to take the girls away from me and ill never see them again called me a retard, a freak, he hated me....and that cut me deeply called me slow, i didnt deserve to have children many things in one phone call.......i was broken ....not my love for him but i was extremely shattered into many different facets......... i still love him .......but not in that way but its not an intimate love...he did apologize to me and said he stuffed up as i said simple words he knew he did the wrong by me and then he simply chose the right words to say and i forgave him....i dont wish to be back with him ....love doesnt die it just shifts adn adjusts to where it needs to be, it always exists ......i hope you find resolution in what you feel for her and her for you....

 

 

 

you weren't ignorant towards me.....but thank you....for your apology....best wishes....deb

[supportlove]

I think you should apology. It definitely will make yourself feel better but this is not the main reason. Be sincere and mean it. We are built up by our past experiences. If you damaged her in some level, to explain and to apology is the least you could do. If she already moved on, both of you will feel relief for your past.

[BC1980]

That's exactly what I wanted as a response. An honest reply. Thank you.

 

I'm not saying either of us hate each other. I do know her very well, and I know she has loved me for over half her life. I don't know what her current state or status is.

 

If she doesn't care one bit, I'd be pretty surprised but can handle the truth.

 

I was honestly wondering if an apology for all my short-comings would make her feel better. Like I've said before, I haven't done it because I don't want to hurt her or open an old wound. In my perfect world, an apology from me would give her justification and allow us to be civil if we ever see each other again. Sure, I want to let this guilt go, but not at her expense. Which is why I haven't done it. I don't want to be with her, but would still jump in front of a moving truck to save her... I'll deal with the guilt if it means she doesn't have to hurt now or ever again.

 

 

Ugh... again, thanks for the honest reply.

 

I just want to not go through life, having loved and will always love someone and never be civil.

 

It sucks. We loved each other, it didn't work out, I want to express that I recognize where I was wrong, we can be civil if/when we see each other, and we can move on without this stigma...

 

It sucks that two people who spent half their lives together can't be cordial and recognize that it just didn't work. Instead, it had to resort to an ugly breakup, no contact, and never speaking again. I just want us both to realize that it didn't work, but we don't have to spend the rest of our lives regretting things and keeping up this persona that the other one doesn't exist when that's the complete opposite of the truth.

 

I feel for you, and I have similar feelings as the one being dumped. It's still very difficult for me to wrap my idea around the idea that a person I would have once probably jumped in front of a truck for is now a person I want nothing to do with. I will always love him in some way, but the pain is too deep to have any type of emotional investment on my part.

 

I don't think an apology on your short comings would make either of you feel better. I really wouldn't care if my ex apologized to me. It doesn't matter to me because it doesn't change anything. I still had to go through all this pain. Apologizing might feel good for a little while, but it makes no difference long term. I realize that might not be agreed on by all, but it is my opinion.

 

I know you want to be on good terms with her, and I'm sure my ex feels the same. Hell, in a perfect world, I could be on civil terms with him, and we could all be friends. It just doesn't work that way in real life, but I wish it did. I wanted it to for so long, but it's just not the way life is. I hate it. I truly do, but the last thing I would welcome is an apology. Those words could never erase what happened or take away any pain I have gone through. You can't really force her to realize that things didn't work, but you can be civil. At the end of the day, everyone is having their own experience. We all see it differently, so you can't force your narrative of the breakup on her. You have your own story too.

Edited July 25, 2014 by BC1980

[Allumere]

I personally appreciate an apology and have received a couple. I think it may be better received if some time has passed so emotions are a little more stable. If someone swallows their pride and offers me a sincere apology, I will listen and forgive. It really is amazing the relief felt. Everyone is different.

[LadyM]

My ex-boyfriend sent me a text apologizing for hurting me almost a year after he left me for another woman. To me, the words rang empty. The only satisfaction I got for about a minute was the breadcrumb feeling; that he had made some contact with me. But as far as apologizing, the words were meaningless as he was unnecessarily cruel during the breakup. I feel he sent the text to assuage his own feelings of guilt he had for about a half a second - it had nothing to do with me personally.

 

If you treat people right, with maturity and courtesy, even in a breakup, there is no need for an apology later on down the road.

[guest569]

I received an apology out of nowhere 6 months post breakup. My first thought "he wants me back". It completely messed me up and made me question my new relationship, happiness etc. i pretended to accept and be friends but in the end snapped at him and said i will never forgive him. The end.

 

I'm quite surprised at all the people saying to apologise. Take a quick look around the breakup forums and its all about no contact, for a damn good reason.

 

P.S sorry OP your thread has been hijacked

Edited July 25, 2014 by smiley1

[todreaminblue]

I received an apology out of nowhere 6 months post breakup. My first thought "he wants me back". It completely messed me up and made me question my new relationship, happiness etc. i pretended to accept and be friends but in the end snapped at him and said i will never forgive him. The end.

 

I'm quite surprised at all the people saying to apologise. Take a quick look around the breakup forums and its all about no contact, for a damn good reason.

 

P.S sorry OP your thread has been hijacked

 

 

my grandfather gave me a piece of advice before he died ....he told me to always say sorry if i hurt someone.......i follow that belief my grandfather had he was a well respected man by many, kind compassionate but no pushover......he also told me that apologies when truly meant dont need to be replied too....just felt by the person giving them and believed by the person receiving them....in other words he said dont expect to be forgiven but do whats right anyway........i respect a persons choices to not forgive me if i hurt them.......but i would apologize anyway because if i werent to apologize i would feel wrong for a very long time....and it wouldnt be for me to have them back in my life.or any motive other than to say sorry and let them know that. i did something wrong by them to hurt them in the first place...thats what my apology is for, no other reason.....deb

[SoThatHappened]

I DO care about her, but I do feel that I would be settling with her, despite the fact that in my heart I did want things to work out and I wish I didn't have reservations. The truth of the matter is that I cannot force how I feel and this is almost unrequited love.

 

I made an error and want to be a better person for the next relationship. Right now though I know I hurt someone that deeply cares about me and would do anything for me. That hurts the most because I pride myself in being such a great person and I hurt someone close to me. Any advice appreciated!

Biscous,

 

Didn't mean to hijack your thread, but we are sort of in the same boat and wanted to get more opinions that can hopefully help us both.

 

I have been seeking the same advice you seem to be seeking.

 

I did that once, I said I was sorry for the way I treated that girl and for the way I dumped her, guess what, she said she accepts my apology and afterwards she told me she stil cares for me and would like to give it another try(this happened after 1.5 - 2 years of NC ) The reason you should leave things as they are is because it doesnt matter and you dont want to slow the other persons process of healing........there's no point imo..

You did what you are now opposed to, and I can understand why. I don't want to slow her healing either.

 

Hell, in a perfect world, I could be on civil terms with him, and we could all be friends. It just doesn't work that way in real life, but I wish it did. I wanted it to for so long, but it's just not the way life is. I hate it.

Why can't we be civil? Why can't it work that way in real life?

 

If there's a chance it can be civil and people can get past the pain, why not try to do that?

 

I personally appreciate an apology and have received a couple. I think it may be better received if some time has passed so emotions are a little more stable. If someone swallows their pride and offers me a sincere apology, I will listen and forgive. It really is amazing the relief felt. Everyone is different.

 

Everyone is different. Even on this thread there are half a dozen that say it's OK to apologize, and half a dozen that say don't do it.

 

I went NC on the current ex because everyone was in agreement there, and it makes sense. I guess this topic isn't as cut and dry, unfortunately.

 

BC1980, smiley1, and LadyM:

 

Thank you for your honest responses. Really.

[BC1980]

About being civil, I think it's mostly the dumpers who want to be civil. Usually, the one dumped has too much hurt to care about being civil. I would just ignore my ex if I saw him. I wouldn't want to start any conversation, but I could be civil if you mean just ignoring the person. The problem is that each party sees the breakup differently. I understand your point of view, but you can't make someone you left see it that way. Of all the people out there, she definitely won't see it that way.

 

What if you apologized, and she didn't accept it. What if she didn't respond at all? Those are the two most likely outcomes. I think you just have to accept that each of you are going to see things differently, and you can't force someone to see you a certain way. But you also can't let how she might see you color your view of yourself.

[Biscous]

About being civil, I think it's mostly the dumpers who want to be civil. Usually, the one dumped has too much hurt to care about being civil. I would just ignore my ex if I saw him. I wouldn't want to start any conversation, but I could be civil if you mean just ignoring the person. The problem is that each party sees the breakup differently. I understand your point of view, but you can't make someone you left see it that way. Of all the people out there, she definitely won't see it that way.

 

What if you apologized, and she didn't accept it. What if she didn't respond at all? Those are the two most likely outcomes. I think you just have to accept that each of you are going to see things differently, and you can't force someone to see you a certain way. But you also can't let how she might see you color your view of yourself.

 

I apologized and it was semi dismissive. She said I'm a great guy but I have things to work on and I'm sure she wants nothing to do with me even though she loves me.

 

She also said that I'm in love with myself and won't allow anyone else in.

 

But I didn't really give her an apology to feel better. It was more to tell her that I'm taking fault for things I've done instead of justifying them.

Edited July 25, 2014 by Biscous

[Sweet108]

Do you feel better for having said what you wanted to say to her?