OK, Tony...my turn

[Fishbulb]

Good evening, Tony, Fishbulb here. I have a two-part question, if I may... 1) Do you think a 'sex addiction' is a controllable thing, within the normal boundaries of a monogamous relationship, without the help it deserves, and 2) what is the likelyhood of fidelity with someone like this? This is a whopper of a tale, and I'm struggling for closure with(?) her, and for some reason this feels like it's key to me making some sense of this. Any input is much appreciated. El Fisho Bulbo

[Tony T]

Good evening, Fishbulb...I love that name!!!

 

1. 1) Do you think a 'sex addiction' is a controllable thing, within the normal boundaries of a monogamous relationship, without the help it deserves, and

 

There are different kinds of sexual addictions and to various degrees. However, seldom is a sex addict completely satisfied with one person. The very name implies the need for volume in experiences and partners.

 

Sexual addiction, even if it's limited only to masturbation, can be extremely destructive to a relationship. All other forms cause multitudes of problems as well.

 

I do think sex addiction or any other addiction is a controllable thing but it requires one to admit to having the addiction, to realize its destructiveness to his/her life and relationship, to seek help for the addiction, and to be willing to do the work to keep it under control and to maintain recovery without relapse.

 

So, to answer your question specifically, I DO NOT think it is controllable within a monogamous relationship, except in the most unusual of circumstances, without the help it deserves or requires. A person who has this type of addiction typically does not have the kind of self discipline or control to handle this alone.

 

2) what is the likelyhood of fidelity with someone like this?

 

Not very good. Even if both partners are addicts, they will seek increasing excitement outside of the relationship. That's the nature of addiction. It takes more and more variety of experience to achieve the same level of excitement.

 

If only one partner is addicted, and no treatment is sought, I personally don't think the relationship can last long unless the other partner is extremely tolerant and willing to accept this behavior. I would consider such tolerance to be highly dysfunctional...but who am I to judge?

 

If it involves masturbation and the person is addicted to that, the partner who is not addicted is likely to be unfulfilled and seek outside satisfaction, break up or divorce.

 

In summation, the chances for any kind of healthy relationship with a sex addict of moderate to heavy intensity is not good. No matter how good the sex is initially between the partners, the addict will ultimately seek more exciting or voluminous outlets outside the union.

 

Further, the partner who is not an addict may not be receptive to various sexual ideas, such as threesomes or one of the partners observing the other having sex with a third party, the addict has for fulfillment within the relationship.

[Fishbulb]

Good evening, Fishbulb...I love that name!!!

1. 1) Do you think a 'sex addiction' is a controllable thing, within the normal boundaries of a monogamous relationship, without the help it deserves, and There are different kinds of sexual addictions and to various degrees. However, seldom is a sex addict completely satisfied with one person. The very name implies the need for volume in experiences and partners. Sexual addiction, even if it's limited only to masturbation, can be extremely destructive to a relationship. All other forms cause multitudes of problems as well. I do think sex addiction or any other addiction is a controllable thing but it requires one to admit to having the addiction, to realize its destructiveness to his/her life and relationship, to seek help for the addiction, and to be willing to do the work to keep it under control and to maintain recovery without relapse. So, to answer your question specifically, I DO NOT think it is controllable within a monogamous relationship, except in the most unusual of circumstances, without the help it deserves or requires. A person who has this type of addiction typically does not have the kind of self discipline or control to handle this alone. 2) what is the likelyhood of fidelity with someone like this? Not very good. Even if both partners are addicts, they will seek increasing excitement outside of the relationship. That's the nature of addiction. It takes more and more variety of experience to achieve the same level of excitement.

 

If only one partner is addicted, and no treatment is sought, I personally don't think the relationship can last long unless the other partner is extremely tolerant and willing to accept this behavior. I would consider such tolerance to be highly dysfunctional...but who am I to judge? If it involves masturbation and the person is addicted to that, the partner who is not addicted is likely to be unfulfilled and seek outside satisfaction, break up or divorce. In summation, the chances for any kind of healthy relationship with a sex addict of moderate to heavy intensity is not good. No matter how good the sex is initially between the partners, the addict will ultimately seek more exciting or voluminous outlets outside the union. Further, the partner who is not an addict may not be receptive to various sexual ideas, such as threesomes or one of the partners observing the other having sex with a third party, the addict has for fulfillment within the relationship.

Yeah, I know you're right. I shoul've seen it coming, but the myopia that is love...hell, I WISH it was masturbation, then maybe there'd be some profit in it...but no, I knew it was too good(?) to be true. I'm just sorry a friendship had to be lost because of all this. But a lot of signs were there that it was getting harder and harder to control...I just didn't want to see them. Perhaps without the love goggles, what I thought was a good relationship might not have ended up such a twisted, heaping pile...I suppose my lesson in all this should be: don't fall in love with someone in deep denial of their own issues when you're working on your own...thanks for the input, and I think once you see that Simpsons' episode, you should change your e-name to Mr. Sparkle... d'oh!