What Is Wrong With Me?!?!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I cheated on my STBXH a few times and we have been separated for one month. I have a few threads under Infidelity on this subject. I have been seeing someone new for about 5-6 months. I care about him deeply and can see a future for us and yes, in love with him.

 

However, I feel myself falling into my old patterns. I see an attractive guy, I think about him, fantasize, then I go online and see what else is available and found myself signing up for an account on a single-parent web site last night. I don't ever want to cheat again!!! I have self control issues, and my therapist didn't help me worth a darn on this subject. All she did was gave me a level of comfort that the separation was the right thing for me to do.

 

Instead of going back to therapy, can anyone else suggest some tools I can use for controlling these urges? I already have a message from someone on the web site (and he's cute!) and I'm tempted to send a picture of myself (I'm cute too!).

 

But I don't want to hurt the new guy and we talked about my past habits and he said that is something that would kill him - if he was ever cheated on. I think that to break it off wouldn't help me per se, as I think we have a good thing going. My problem is that the last time I saw him, I didn't feel a physical attraction until we were in bed, and then he was HOT. If I keep thinking of those moments I feel better, but I don't want our relationship to be just about sex either.

 

I think I am an attractive woman, but in the past have never really had the "good looking" guys' attention, and I crave attention. However, I get intimidated when a hottie looks my way and I get very shy. But I dream/fantasize of being with someone who is also attractive and I've never been with someone like that, even though I do know it's what's on the inside that counts (and usually these hot guys turn out to be jerks!) Lord help me!!!

 

Maybe I just need to be alone for a while, or date casually (although I usually move too fast).

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

This is just a thought but maybe you should consider how you would feel if a person that you cared for very much like your boyfriend was constantly wishing to cheat on you with other women? I don't think you would like it very much. In short, everytime you are weak ask yourself how I would feel if the roles were reversed. You don't deliberately hurt people that you are involved with and who care for you.

Otherwise you are just a selfish and cruel individual. Do you wish to be this sort of person? The choice is yours. I wish you luck.

[glitter-gal]

My 2 Cents: Have you ever given some thought to what you lack as a person that you look for it in everyone else?? I say take some time off to get to know YOURSELF better. Sounds like you have some internal issues to deal with before you even think about jumping head first into another serious relationship...

 

You obviously know that cheating on someone causes a great deal of pain, maybe when you see their pain it validates thier feelings for you and that gives you some kind of rush?? Please do all of your future boyfriends a favor, read a book or write a journal. Everyone has internal dialouge and maybe if you LISTEN to what you are saying to yourself you will get a better understanding of why you act the way you do??

 

I've been through something similar a few years ago... PM me if you want to chat about it.

[Owl]

MWC-

 

It boils down to the same advice I'd given before in your other threads. You have still not resolved your own problems and emotional needs. The reason ANYONE cheats in a relationship is because there is something that they're not getting in that relationship...or they're a serial cheater. They have their own issues that PREVENT them from having their needs fulfilled.

 

I personally recommend you go find another counselor. Don't go to the same person who didn't help you resolve your issues last time...go to someone new who can hopefully get you to examine yourself, figure out what the REAL issue(s) are, and start working to get them resolved.

 

Good luck.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I know but it's easier said than done. I've read alot of your posts, some have been helpful. I would rather find the answers here - does anyone know of any tools I can use to make me a better person? Maybe I just move too fast when I find someone to date, and when it's not working I try to line someone else up before breaking it off with the first one.

 

With my marriage it was on a much larger scale, with more at stake, and that's all over and done with. I'm starting to think I wouldn't do this if I really was in love with the guy, but I DO love him. Or maybe I do it only when he pisses me off - not getting what I need as you said. But in this relationship we ARE talking and we have been open and talked about our feelings. We're both scared of what may happen.

 

I'm not unhappy by any means. I have my own home now, my independence, a good job with great prospects for the future, great friends and family. I'm on medication for anxiety and mild depression (mild and low dose cuz I am laid back normally).

 

Maybe I'm just stupid. I'm pusing 40 and I don't want to be alone. I want to accomplish alot more than I have and experience alot more than I have. I know I couldn't do this in my marriage.

 

Maybe I just give in to temptation too easily.

[Owl]

MWC-

 

You know I hang on on LS alot...and I've used it to HELP me deal with my own issues...just like a lot of us here. But...LS can't solve your problems for you. It might help you to identify some of the things, but the reason it can never replace a real counselor is pretty simple: this is the internet. People here ONLY see what you type. They can't see what you don't share, can't see body language, voice tone, etc. And you've got the option of powering down anytime the threads get uncomfortable...which you can't do at a counselor's office.

 

There are of course some decent books out there that might be of some help...hit the self help section at your nearest decent book store. But seriously, if you really want to fix the problem, you're going to need outside help. Someone who can look at what you're doing objectively that doesn't care what's wrong with you, they just want to help you figure out the problem and fix it.

 

Good luck.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

It was a rough weekend. We almost broke up, but he was so busy working all weekend that we only had a half an hour to talk yet we had planned on spending two nights together and didn't. We did communicate that we do need to talk some more, and that we don't want this to be over. His issues were p'ing me off and I went to the personal ads, more out of curiosity. I can get out of that easy enough - I have enough on my plate to keep myself busy off the computer.

 

I accept that his job is 24-7 (he's self-employed) but when he disappoints me, and breaks a date cuz he's working, I understand, but I wish he would be a bit more apologetic and would do something, anything, to make it up to me. Or even to say he will make it up to me.

 

But so far all I get is "that's my life", "that's my job", "I work 24-7 it can't be helped"....and he says he does feel ****ty that he has disappointed and/or hurt me.

 

Maybe I need to be more understanding of his feelings, and the pressures in his life instead of being so demanding. I pushed a bit last week to meet his friends and family, and he also just recently met my kids (came to fix an appliance haha) and maybe that freaked him out a little.

 

I will let you know how the talk goes if you want, but you know, I don't think it's me.

[nicki]

Please don't make excuses for this guy, or for yourself. He sounds too busy to give you much attention. Maybe you just need a whole lot of attention and tenderness right now, especially if your ex hubby was emotionally unavailable. Don't make the same mistake of picking a guy like that and trying to make him love you.

 

Just end it with him if you can't get your needs met. No need to cheat when you are unhappy. You have the ability to leave ANY situation that is not right for you...then you can start up with someone else who is better suited to give you what you need right now. And whatever that is, is okay.

 

while you are at it, find out what you love in life. Having a guy around is great, but only when you are moving toward happiness on your own.

 

I say screw being understanding about his work schedule. He sounds too busy to have a plant.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

thanks nicki You made alot of sense - maybe cuz you told me what I wanted to hear LOL

 

I am going to end it with him tonight (if he doesn't cancel out on me again like he did last night!) He doesn't have time for me - that is a fact, and I need more than that. When I think about it, we don't have alot of similar interests either, but I don't think I need to go too much into those details when I talk to him.

 

This time, love just isn't enough. I have alot to keep me busy and will probably enjoy being single for a while. He asked me to be patient while he gets his finances straightened out (which, by the way, are really not that bad) and he thinks he needs to be at every call from start to finish when really he should just hire another worker.

 

Anyways, I'm not running his business. I can't get by just seeing him every two weeks. The sex was great and he made me feel beautiful, but I can't stand rejection or being left out in the cold when we've made plans to do something.