Need Advice

[Joe]

Ok my whole life I have lacked having lots of friends. Sure I had friends, but I wasn't Mr. Popularity. I was overweight, still am but not as bad, my of my life and I felt this had an effect on me.

 

Well after high school I had lost my best friend who turned towards drugs and wild life. And lost contact with all the people I was in school with.

 

I got a job, and even then my co-workers aren't really people I would hang with. Right now I literally have no friends to socialize with, I use IRC as a place to get on to talk to people.

 

I get depressed from being alone all the time. I am working on my weight, went from 288 to 230 and still going. I'm tired of how I am, I want to change. I want to get a girlfriend and feel love.

 

However I am shy, I am not good with speaking to other people and don't know what to say. Especially when it comes to girls. I'm not 21 and can't go into bars, I live in a small town and really don't have much. We do but you know.

 

Basically I want advice on meeting people, girls, and such. How do you do it? How do you approach them? How do you make yourself feel comfortable doing so/ What do you say and how? How do you act?

 

I've been told that I'm cute and handsome by several girls, my age, on IRC that's seen my picture so now I'm wondering if I can do it but I feel I will chicken out. What advice do you have? I especially want to hear the opinion from the other side, women, that can give me advice on the do's and don'ts, what to say and what not.

 

Thank you for the help!

[Joe again]

Ok some more things I left out. What are good places to go? I hear libraries are good and such? How would you initiate a conversation?

[rook]

in the first place you must develop a love for yourself nobody will be able to love you if you do not love yourself i had to learn this lesson my self. after you do develop a love for yourself you must develop some confidence. I am constanly being made fun of because i come off with over confidence I literally tell people where i work that i am the best guy who works there and the women just have to get used to the fact that they can't all have me. i truly believe this by the way. i can treat women very good but not at the expence of my own self respect. this is the toughest thing to do because as I read many of the postings here there seems to be a lot of bitching about the nice guy symdrome the problem for each of these people seems to be that they are too nice and the girl loses respect for them. so i don't know if this helps you but work on yourself first if you wanna lose wieght do it don't worry about love yet get yourself where you wanna be. then find some way to develop your confidence as for me i don't have a whole bunch of girls after me or anything but i do get into many nice conversations and that is very satisfying in itself. occasionally i will date one of the girls i talk with but so far i just haven't found that spark. i intend on just being happy with myself and acting like the guy i know i am/can be when the timing is right i'm sure i will meet that right someone be it at the library, work, or wherever and i won't have to use some majic opening line

Ok some more things I left out. What are good places to go? I hear libraries are good and such? How would you initiate a conversation?

[Tony T]

rooks has the right idea!!!

 

And once you start feeling great about yourself, one friend introduces you to another and the cycle keeps going until you have more friends than you have time for. And those friends introduce you to ladies...until you just can't handle them.

 

Lose another 50 to 75 pounds...and you won't do it in front of a computer screen...just won't happen. IRC burns up 10 calories an hour. At that rate, it would take you 8,988 years to lose 75 pounds, providing you reduce your food intake somewhat. Get out and exercise and watch the kinds of foods you eat and how much.

 

I absolutely guarantee when your self image improves and you start meeting people...and you can do that anywhere...your whole life will change.

[Dragonflys]

Hi

 

I have a suggestion that worked for me. Make friends with a guy who has confidence and go out to bars and meet, talk and socialise with women. Let him get things started and you follow him in like a good wingman.

 

If you go regularly with the goal of only meeting people you will be relaxed and you will get a lot of practise in socialising, saying the right things etc. I ended up meeting the woman I am currently dating this way...

 

Oliver

[sparkle]

Hi Joe,

 

Here's some advice from a female...

 

Rook, Tony, and Oliver are right. Please read Rook's email again to make sure you didn't miss anything.

 

It all has to do with confidence, believe me! You have lots of good qualities. Focus on those, and pay minimal attention to the negative ones. That will only make you feel bad about yourself. Your goal is to feel GOOD about yourself.

 

Being confidant doesn't mean being stuck up or arrogant. Rather, it's feeling good about yourself, feeling comfortable with yourself, and not being too self-conscious. It's about being sure of yourself, about believing yourself and your abilities. So work on your confidence. That is the #1 thing that attracts me to guys. I've met lots of guys, and that is one thing you notice right off the bat. It's how they carry themselves.

 

I've met many handsome guys that didn't have much self-confidence at all. They were sort of shy, timid, seemed really nervous when talking, fidgety, trying too hard to impress me, and didn't feel too good about themselves. They were very self-conscious, and the way they talked to me gave me the impression that they had low self-esteem. That's a big turn-off.

 

Now I've met a few guys that weren't very attractive when I first saw them. But by the end of the conversation, I thought they were one of the hottest guys I'd met. They were so confident about themselves, and you do notice it right away. They felt comfortable around me, made me laugh, and it seemed like they weren't 'trying to' impress me. It was more like 'I feel good about myself...whether you're impressed by me or not is juse fine with me.'

 

There are many guys I know that aren't the hottest guys in the world, but because they feel good about themselves, they've got girls chasing after them, and it's very easy for them to find a date. Just the opposite, some of my drop-dead-gorgeous guy friends that have low self-esteem find it difficult to get a girl to talk to them.

 

For example, girls think you're cute/handsome. The more confidence you have in yourself, the even more attractive you will seem to girls.

 

There are many ways to improve your self-esteem. Get some books, read some articles, make this your #1 priority. The girls will come along with it.

 

Try doing this. Go out, and if some girl catches your attention, make it a point to stop and say something to her. Say "Hello" to her, give her a compliment or say something nice, and then walk away. DON'T try to get her number right now. Just work on your confidence. Your goal is to just be able to approach girls right now and feel comfortable doing that. Don't try to carry on a long conversation right now or give them your number. Try this many times until you start feeling less nervous about it:

 

Example: grocery store. (cheesy example, but my mind's blank right now) You see a girl picking up a carton of ice cream. Say whatever comes to your mind. Maybe it's 'oh I haven't tried that flavor, is it any good?' And once she answers, that's it. Smile, say Bye and walk away.

 

Example: library. "Hi, that's an interesting book you're reading. Which shelf/section did you get that from?" Once she answers you, thank her, and walk away.

 

Example: at a mall. You see a girl that looks very attractive. What caught your eye? Her hair? Her eyes? Her smile? Her dress? Go up to her, and say something like "Hi..I just couldn't help noticing...but you have got the most amazing eyes/hair/smile". (Or whatever it is that you want to compliment her on). Don't wait for a conversation to start. Just say "well take care, Bye". Be the first to say bye, be the first to walk away.

 

Try this for a few weeks/months, depending on how often you go out. Every time you go out, make it a goal to go up to a girl, compliment her/say something to her, and walk away.

 

There is nothing to be scared of here. The only thing that could possibly worry you is "fear of rejection". But if you say something and walk away, it's impossible to get rejected. Trust me. You CANNOT get rejected.

 

It will most likely make the girl smile, and then she'll be even more amazed that you were just saying something nice, and then you walked away. You could care less if she liked you or not. You could care less that you weren't asking for her number.

 

So remember. You can't get rejected. There's no way she can reject you. Once you walk away, she's not going to come running after you screaming at the top of her lungs.

 

So do this until you start feeling more comfortable approaching girls. In return, this will help you feel good about yourself.

 

So work on this goal, let us know how things are progressing, and then come back and write another post. We'll help you from there. Good luck!

 

To answer your above question, almost anyplace is a good place to go. The bookstore, a department store, the gym, the library, a college campus, church, a subway station, outdoors taking a walk...basically ANYWHERE.

 

Good luck Joe!

[sparkle]

Hi Joe,

 

This just happened as soon as I clicked the "Post Message" button on the post I just wrote above.

 

I'm sitting in the computer lab on campus, writing this. A guy was passing behind me to goto the computers down the aisle, and was carrying a large bookbag, which he basically banged in my head as he walked past in the narrow aisle.

 

What I thought: "OUCH, jerk"

 

Then two seconds later, he said "Oh i'm sorry, did I hit you in the head with that?"

 

What I thought: Oh maybe he's not a jerk after all.

 

What I said: "No it's okay, don't worry about it."

 

What he said: "Actually I meant to, just trying to get your attention heheh"

 

What I thought: He meant to?? WHAT?! Oh he's just joking. Heheh look at his big ears..

 

What I said: I laughed, and said "oh is that so?"

 

What he said: "Actually just moved up here, a freshman here, and already making enemies, I see."

 

What I said: "Oh don't worry, it's easier to make friends at this place than enemies. You'll be alright."

 

What he said: "I hope it's easier to do that than it is to pass my classes. By the way, what're you studying?"

 

What I thought: Wow, he's got a nice smile, I've forgotten all about the ears.

 

What I said: "Biology, about to graduate"

 

What he said: "Oh cool, I'm taking a Biol213..having trouble..."

 

...etc etc....

 

...Can I email you? Maybe you can suggest a good professor for the next course I need to take. Maybe you could also suggest some good restaurants in the area, the food on-campus sucks."

 

I said: "Sure, I'll be glad to. Drop me an email" and gave him my email address.

 

--------------------------------------------

 

So Joe, wasn't that simple? Just wanted to share it with you, so you realize there's no magic trick or formula to this. There's no perfect line to say. A unique one will pop in your mind depending on the situation and circumstances.

 

He approached me, was polite, was nice, made me smile, and ended up getting my email address. And notice at the beginning, he actually hit me in the head and my first reaction was "Jerk!".

 

And what impressed me the most about him? He was confident enough to approach me and talk to me. He had enough self-confidence to ask me for my email address, knowing that I could've said No.

 

Hope this helps. Good luck!

[Tony T]

I think Sparkle deserves to get hit with a bookbag for messing around on the computer when she should be seriously engaged in her college classes!!! (LOL)

 

But she did make some excellent points.

[Paulie]

I have printed out your response, and am going to read...and re-read it again, and again!!

 

You basically answered my question below, entitled "question."

 

Every single male should read this post of yours. I, myself, am considered by most women to be extremely good looking. But I have such low self-esteem that it always gets in the way.

 

I really hope you are right on the mark, because I'm gonna start to use your ideas TODAY.

 

One question I will ask you, though, is that I'm afraid girls will think I'm a freak or abnormal if I say things like that to a complete stranger.Whaddya think??

[Paulie]

Also, Sparkle, I have absolutely no problem walking up to girls and doing exactly what you're talking about. But if it's outside a bar context, I AM always the first one to walk away. I don't want to look like a stalker, and I don't want to give the girl a chance to reject me.

 

So, I guess, I need to know how to take it to the "next" level, and make later contact with these people that I see and breifly speak with during my every day interactions...WITHOUT coming off as a freak.

 

I'm tired of the bar scene...I just want to meet a special girl.

 

Thanks,

 

Paulie

[Paulie]

If you could e-mail me at <e-mail address removed>, it'd be REALLY cool. Thanks!

 

Paulie

[Tony T]

Why would you want Sparkle to give you that information personally on Email without sharing it with all the other guys who may be vitally interested in it???

[Paulie]

I don't want to get burdensome to the site...especially as it pertains to this issue. I thought if I ever got off on a tangent, it would be better to take it off the site. If others (including Sparkle and Tony) disagree, I'd be more than happy to keep it here.

 

I'm just feeling kind of down lately...kind of lost. Need advice of this nature.

[Tony T]

Yes, but if sparkle can offer more of her great advice here, people all over the world can use it. Whatever good stuff you get from her on Email, I hope you will share it with everyone here.

 

I'd much rather have the site burdened with this kind of great, positive information than with blasts against me or whatever.

 

I think this problem is quite universal.

[sparkle]

Dear Paulie,

 

I didn't have a chance to read many of the posts since I was busy studying. Otherwise I would've seen and replied to your post below.

 

I'm on my way to go study and won't be here for the next 2 days because of exams. I will DEFINITELY reply as soon as I get a chance (just don't want to say something in a hurry right now, need a chance to sit down and read this again).

 

I'll be back in a couple days, take care and check back!

 

[Paulie]

OK, Tones...you got it! Sparkle, let's keep this thing on here! And GOOD LUCK on your exams!! We're pulling for you!

 

I am REALLY interested in what you have to say, though!

[Joe again]

Thank you all so very much for your advice, comments and to Sparkle for giving me a point of view from the womens point of view.

 

Someone pointed out, what if you feel as if that girl might find you abnormal or weird that you're approaching them for no reason? Other than that I like em' a..

 

Thanks a million!

[girl's view]

Someone pointed out, what if you feel as

if that girl might find you abnormal or weird that you're approaching them for no reason? Other than that I like em' a..

you'll always find a reason to approach a girl. if you're attracted to her, you'll find a way of approaching them, without it being obvious you like them. not to mention, you'll be able to suss out if they like you.

 

if someone isn't very responsive, don't worry. they could be shy, busy, anti-social...etc.

 

if someone is responsive - excellent!! just go with the flow.

 

if a girl isn't interested in you, don't feel rejected: they could already be taken, they may not be looking for a relationship, or you simply may not be their type. but never fear, gorgeous people get knocked back, ordinary people get knocked back, unattractive people get knocked back. WE ALL GET KNOCKED BACK.

 

if a girl is interested in you - awesome!!! ask her out somewhere or give her your telephone number.

 

personally, i love a personality that shines through someones exterior, no matter what they look like. it's magnetic and draws me to them. and so does confidence about everything that makes you who you are.

 

but all in all, we all face rejection and we also have our moments where the attraction is mutual. setbacks can also make us more determined and stronger.

 

just don't be afraid. the more you get out there and make the effort, the better your chances of finding someone special.