wish there was a manual for this journey

[veggielover]

New here. First post. Reading through the forums.. nothing is straight forward, eh?

 

My husband and I decided two weeks ago to separate. It's been coming for a long time. We are both at fault, though I do believe he puts more on me... but that's his thing. We have not been intimate for a very long time. I have a medical condition that interferes a bit, but truth be told, my husband has a mental illness that caused him to check out many years ago.. and it affected my desire. Let's just say neither of us worked at our marriage.

 

Not a blame game.. or he said she said.. just some background.

 

I've been heading toward a separation for awhile now. We had a talk about 8 months ago, and I told him I wasn't sure I wanted to stay. He didn't really say anything except he was ok with the way things were.

 

Fast forward 8 months. We had a "discussion". Things started the same they always do... I finally said I think we need to separate. He agreed. It wasn't easy, but I felt ok with the decision.

 

A couple days later, I found out that he had been looking for "someone" online before we even talked. I was devastated. I confronted him. He said he planned on telling me the day we had our discussion (but never did, I heard him giggling on the phone and saw a text from this girl). I asked him to not have a relationship with this person until we had moved apart (we are selling our house and still have a daughter together). He agreed. Then he went to a group meeting the other evening and "met someone". Went out for coffee and didn't come home until 2 am. He now says he doesn't think he should put his life on hold. I just feel he should be a little respectful to wait another 5 weeks (hopefully our house is sold...but I will be out by then regardless).

 

I know I shouldn't be upset. I don't have the right, as I brought up the separation. But, the fact he did this BEFORE telling me he wanted out, just kills me. Maybe I realize the finality of everything. Maybe it's because I still trusted him. Maybe I'm just projecting my feelings. Maybe I'm jealous. I don't know.

 

The past two days I literally felt like I was going to split apart, and couldn't stop crying. I know we are better apart. We will still be friends if we get out now. I know all of this, but can't seem to be ok with him seeing other women.

 

I have done a couple things that I need to for when I am on my own with my daughter.. and that seems to have pulled me out of the downward spiral.

 

No real purpose of my post... not looking for any answers... just to say things aren't always straight forward with divorce. And never clear cut. Sure wish there was a manual to explain how to do this.

[Shocked Suzie]

Doesn't matter how a split comes about it will ways be difficult... Wouldn't be human if it didn't effect you hey

 

Just focus on your new path, future and daughter... I know it's upsetting but the fact your ex has already moved on shows you are both doing the right thing. Try and separate as swiftly as possible.

 

It may not stay amicable so get some sound legal advice.

 

Minimal to no contact is the best way to heal and detach

 

It does get better xxx

[jakrbbt]

I see this as a control issue, but let me clarify. I am not seeing that you are overly controlling or unreasonable. Simply this: What you feel comes from a reasonable and natural desire for control-- not merely from broken trust or jealousy. That is good news for you. The reason that is good news is that the need for control is something you can, well, control. It is not like the trust of jealousy issue where the other person is a major player. Here, you just systematically begin moving on. In five years you will not care whether he began his rebound relationship now, or several weeks from now. The only difference is that your living situation makes it in-your-face and awkward, and I am sorry for that. Truly, that sucks. But in the big picture, the transition through divorce will be hard for several reasons and then you will come out the other side and have your future life. What is in your future life? It sounds like you have begun to set that up, which is a fantastic move. Think of this as one of those bad summer camps with the impossible bunkmate and stupid counselor and mosquitoes for five weeks, and then you get to leave.

 

By the way, your husband is likely trying to do the same thing-- set up his future life and escape the pain of this one ending. His way of doing it sounds a little desperate to me, but perhaps he knows no other way. Let him fumble through it. Yes, he is being rude to you and disrespectful for sure, and I am not saying to melt away your boundary. I am just trying to disarm some of the pain of it because from my perspective, he is a guy in pain trying to cling to un-pain. If you really hate it, make arrangements to move earlier, that would be totally reasonable. (That's what I would do.)

 

I second the lawyer thing. You need facts and decision-points. Good luck.

[veggielover]

Thank you for the replies. You are both very insightful.. love the summer camp analogy!

 

I do understand why he is doing what he is doing. I complete get it. Unfortunately it doesn't make it easier.

 

I would love to move before Sept 1.. financially that is even pushing it.. as our house has not sold yet.

 

I will seek legal advice this week.

 

This morning he told me he finally gets why I was hurt that he started seeing other women. He apologized and said he didn't mean to hurt me. I appreciated this and told him so. It really should have stopped there. He then proceeded to tell me that he is actually dating someone.

 

Ugh.

 

Of course a fight.. because he is spending money that we don't have on this other woman. I am a momma bear.. and feel he is taking from my kid. I told him if it was just HIS money do whatever.. but we have been struggling for the past two years... to the point my stomach is in knots when I just go buy groceries, as we don't have the money. We can't even afford necessities right now. But he doesn't see an issue spending money on dating. And even if they do nothing.. this woman is a fair drive from us.. so at least $20 in gas each time. And it's OUR money right now. We both have to say where it's spent. When it's his, he can choose how he spends it.

 

I am thinking of separating our finances right now and we each pay half of everything. Unfortunately, I make more than him.. so I know he won't be able to pay his half. And my credit will be affected if it doesn't get paid. Any suggestions?

 

I really hate this crap. I hate fighting. I feel like I'm a nag these days. He just keeps pushing my buttons, and I respond. Ugh.

 

Just 36 days.

[carhill]

IMO, focus on safeguarding your income and any separate property and let the rest go. Suggest mediation to reduce legal costs. Inquire of your lawyer about a bankruptcy strategy, if relevant to your jurisdiction.

 

Having gone through this I found two pieces of advice to be quite helpful. One came from a friend and one from my lawyer.

 

1. Think it through before starting. Get relevant information, consult professionals and formulate a plan and work that plan.

 

2. Focus on one thing you want to resolve in your favor and compromise on all the rest. Remain focused on the big picture with that goal in mind and avoid getting drawn into arguments/disputes over minutiae.

 

Divorce, to me, is kind of like death; death of a marriage. It's something to process.

[veggielover]

Carhill.. that is very good advice. And you are right. There is only one thing that I really need in my favor. And I am compromising on the rest. We are actually going to go to a mediator.

 

I know once we don't have to see each other every day, and don't have to deal with the "little" things, we will not pick and fight.. at least on my end. We actually agree on all the "big" stuff. Child care, custody, division of assets, etc. So I need to get our legal documents done before anything changes.

 

Thank you so much for your response.

[Shocked Suzie]

Trust me it won't stay amicable! Open your own account and focus on paying your % of your asset. You have higlighted your concern and his spend on new GF, if he proceeds to keep taking her out on your 'joint earnings' and live as a single man then it's time to split financial spending like single people...don't prewarn him, just find out your facts and a resonable payment plan looking at home, food, car, insurances, earnings and tell him this is now what is happening.

 

Legal advise ASAP

 

SSx

[Shocked Suzie]

IMO, focus on safeguarding your income and any separate property and let the rest go. Suggest mediation to reduce legal costs. Inquire of your lawyer about a bankruptcy strategy, if relevant to your jurisdiction.

 

Agreed!!!!

 

Keep it clean and simple, no messing about. Dragging this awful process out over few extra $$$ is not worth the emotional stress, it's bad enough as it is!

 

Get things done n dusted ASAP and move forward

 

SS x

[veggielover]

Thanks, Suzie! I agree with what you are saying.. and yes, I do want this done ASAP.

 

Unfortunately, where we live there has to be a 1 year separation before divorce. ugh.

[Shocked Suzie]

Thanks, Suzie! I agree with what you are saying.. and yes, I do want this done ASAP.

 

Unfortunately, where we live there has to be a 1 year separation before divorce. ugh.

 

You are in AU... Same here

 

It will fly by don't worry

 

SS x

[veggielover]

I'm actually in Canada.. but same law.

 

I know it will be easier and will fly by, once we are actually apart.

 

Thank you so much for all the support. It means a lot to me.

[Shocked Suzie]

I'm actually in Canada.. but same law.

 

I know it will be easier and will fly by, once we are actually apart.

 

Thank you so much for all the support. It means a lot to me.

 

Agh I thought it was only AU that had the silly law

 

Your welcome

 

Try not to let his thoughtless behaviour get you down too much... Hope you are able to get out sooner.

 

SS x

[Mr. Lucky]

Trust me it won't stay amicable! Open your own account and focus on paying your % of your asset. You have higlighted your concern and his spend on new GF, if he proceeds to keep taking her out on your 'joint earnings' and live as a single man then it's time to split financial spending like single people...don't prewarn him, just find out your facts and a resonable payment plan looking at home, food, car, insurances, earnings and tell him this is now what is happening.

 

Legal advise ASAP

 

SSx

 

Great (and I'll bet hard won) advice. Many couples go into the process thinking they'll be amicable and friendly, few emerge that way. Prepare, plan and document...

 

Mr. Lucky