Girlfriend was raped.

[Allumere]

GL I think your response/feelings are very normal even if they are not reflective of the reality. It is horrible for a man to see the person they love and care for suffering because they are naturally the providers and fixers. Now you have no ability to do either and it is really frustrating and confusing.

 

There is absolutely nothing you could have done. Nothing. The sooner you can understand that the better for you to start healing from this tragedy and be able to take those steps to best help your girlfriend. This is the tough part as it goes back to what I stated above. The best thing may come down you to not be in the picture for awhile (do not take this as a definitive as I am not a doctor) as you could be a trigger. This probably sounds and feels counter-intuitive since more now than ever is the desire to protect. This is where therapy or participation in a group could be really helpful and provide support for you. She can't tell you what she needs right now, she can't tell you that what you are doing is just what she needs. She simply isn't capable of giving the feedback you need to alleviate all the emotions you are dealing with so you need to seek elsewhere.

[writergal]

Is it normal for me to feel weak and emasculated? I feel like I failed as a man.. I was the first and only man she ever been with in that way. And I just feel liked I failed. I know it's not just about me but it hurts knowing what she is going through...

 

She's only 22 yrs old by the way.

 

Gaurdian of course it's normal for you to feel weak and emasculated. Men are protectors so when a woman they love gets attacked, they take it personally. Makes sense.

 

I hope that you do check out those resources I posted links to, for secondary survivors. It should help you gain a perspective on your role in this situation better as well as talking to a rape counselor about it.

 

And you didn't fail her. That's a normal reaction too. This was an arbitrary event and it happened to your girlfriend unfortunately. It's only been a short time since this happened, so you and her and everyone around you both is still in shock. It will take time to recover from. It's best to arm yourself with resources in person, in print and online to help you get through this.

[GuardianLion]

. You mentioning her not being drunk in your first post means you have preconceived notions about rape that she knows you have including victim blaming so she probably wonders if you somehow blame her for walking alone or wearing a low cut top or whatever. I'm not saying you do but your post did mention what she didn't do wrong so you must have some ideas that women are to blame if they do certain things.

 

Wow... I can't believe these assumptions.

 

I mentioned her not being drunk because many people do have preconceived notions regarding rape. I didn't want that debate to enter this thread. And for that record, I already told my girlfriend that I do not blame her for anything. If anything, I blame myself for not being there.

 

I realize she can be irrational... I just want to help

 

EDIT: Read your other post.

[Smilecharmer]

Wow... I can't believe these assumptions.

 

I mentioned her not being drunk because many people do have preconceived notions regarding rape. I didn't want that debate to enter this thread. And for that record, I already told my girlfriend that I do not blame her for anything. If anything, I blame myself for not being there.

 

I realize she can be irrational... I just want to help

 

I already apologized. I was only pointing out what she may be thinking because she is traumatized. I was giving you a different view and one that might be on her mind. I didn't know why you mentioned it but I'm glad it was because you didn't want debate to enter the thread. As I don't know you, I was wondering if this was something you had mentioned to her before in passing that women were to blame for what they wore, drank or did. Again I apologize if it seemed I was being insensitive. You mentioned she was distraught and I was just letting you know things that could be running through her mind, not assuming anything.

[GuardianLion]

Need a moment before saying some more things

[Smilecharmer]

Need a moment before saying some more things

 

 

I'm very sorry to upset you. I won't post here anymore.

[GuardianLion]

Now obviously, I can only speak from my own experience, and I can only make some guesses about what is going on inside her.

 

I know probably on some louevel you know this, and I know it probably kills you to think about, but right now she is very likely highly conflicted about you. She knows intellectually that you are safe. But emotionally, once she was attacked, it is likely that in her mind men become at least suspect. She may be valiantly fighting a fear she knows to be irrational, but a fear of you and what you could do to her (even, if, you know, you never ever would).

 

Also, and she will know inside that this is uncharitable and unfair and so she will be fighting this if she is experiencing this and doing her best not to let you know, but she will probably hold some resentment that you didn't go with her to the store that night. No there is no way either of you could have known, and she probably hates herself a little bit for it, but it is completely and utterly human for her to rightly suspect that if the two of you had gone together, she wouldn't have been attacked.

 

She could also be struggling with feeling intrinsically unclean. That one takes a long time and is a long road. She might be in some way trying to push you away. Depending on her reaction to the trauma, she might feel that she is no longer worthy of you in some way.

 

Something to watch for to, sometimes when women experience this they avoid any kind of sexual activity like the plague. Sometimes they react the opposite and become more promiscuous than they would normally as if they are trying to somehow take control of or make the traumatic situation better somehow.

 

The one thing I can say is, to be sure that (and I know this will sound harsh and I am sorry) that you keep your emotions in check enough (and if you need to talk to someone else to be able to do this, do so!) that she feels like she can talk to you about it and her feelings about it, without you becoming so overwhelmed that she feels like she has to take care of you.

 

And please, for her sake, if someone on here asks for more detail about the attack, do NOT give it to them. You mentioned that in your OP. Please, just don't. One, please protect her privacy. Her trauma was terrible. You are doing the right thing in seeking advice about how to help her, but above and beyond not giving any anonymous ******* perverts ideas, she has the right to determine when, where, and with whom to share the details of her attack.

 

And the border you walk is a tricky one. Yes, for awhile, if she needs to act and pretend as if it never happened that can be healthy and normal. However, it some point, she will need to deal with it in her own way. And how you balance when and if to suggest that if the denial goes on to long is a difficult one.

 

I am truly sorry that this happened to her, and that it is causing so much pain for the two of you.

 

Okay let's see

 

• I wasn't planning on giving more details about the attack. I'll just say that the attacker had his way with her and that she was bloody in some areas.... I think that is more than enough detail
  
• She's not the type that would go promiscuous. She doesn't drink or go outside. She's the type that would shut herself in and is avoiding sexual contact though. So far she has been Sleeping in different covers and not kissing me. Not watching certain things on tv and skipping pass certain things on video games. Also, she has barely left the house. I've been the one going places. Not that i mind. I can handle that
  
• You aren't being harsh. I have been keeping myself in check. I haven't cried or gotten angry around her.
  

 

 

Would suggesting that she stay with her parents for a while do anything? She is very close to her father... who also feels how I do.

[GuardianLion]

I'm very sorry to upset you. I won't post here anymore.

 

You did not upset me. I understood what you were saying. It's okay

[GuardianLion]

You sounded in your Op like you might: I am very relieved to hear that you're not planning on giving more detail.

 

I am trying to tell you that even if she is the type to not drink, to save herself for marriage etc. that one in this situation can seesaw between avoiding all possible triggers and between promiscuity. When this happens, it is a reaction to the trauma and one that even the most prim and proper woman can find herself having. If she can feel like she's in control of it, she can for a little while self-medicate the pain away. And this often is a more delayed response, a few months later. I'm just warning you that that aspect is going to be difficult to negotiate and depending on where she's at, if she starts going through that herself and has sex with you during that and because of that, she may feel more traumatized afterwards and she may have difficulty knowing or articulating whether she is truly healed enough to be ready or if she is trying to relive the situation but make it turn out right this time until after it is over.

 

But always let it be her choice and always make sure she feels like she is in control and that she feels safe.

 

I'm not saying dont cry or show emotion. She may need you to. Just be sensitive and make sure that yours responses don't overwhelm her own.

 

She certainly feels safe around me. No problem with that

 

What if she does cheat and start getting promiscuous? Heck, what if she breaks up with me?

 

How would one deal with that?

[GuardianLion]

 

If she feels safest at home where she is and wants to and hasn't said anything

 

This is what she's doing

[Eivuwan]

Hey Guardian, what you and her are feeling is very normal. The crying episodes might actually be a good thing. At least she is allowing herself to feel the pain. It may be worse if she just pretended everything was fine. I know that when horrible things happen, the instinct is to make the pain go away as fast as possible, but letting yourself feel is also important and letting yourself heal slowly is important. Sometimes you just can't rush things and rushing it might make it worse in the long run.

[Eivuwan]

She certainly feels safe around me. No problem with that

 

What if she does cheat and start getting promiscuous? Heck, what if she breaks up with me?

 

How would one deal with that?

 

There really isn't much point in speculating and worrying about the future. Not all women cope by being promiscuous or breaking up with their boyfriend. Focus on what you can do and all you can do is to continually support her. When she cries, tell her you're there for her and ask her if she wants a hug.

[hoping2heal]

I'm so sorry for what you both have been through :(:(

 

While her trauma is different and more severe than yours (not trying to minimize, hopefully you know what I mean in that she is the one who experienced the attack first hand.), you too have no doubt been traumatized by what happened to someone you love.

 

Your girlfriend acting like it didn't happen is very normal - it is a coping mechanism. It may seem impossible to just "forget" something but the truth is acting like something didn't happen is a severe form of denial that is quite effective in blocking out the pain. It's almost like if you don't act like something happened that it never did.

 

Here's some truth from someone who has "been there" though circumstances were different. I lived in denial for many years the compartmentalization was so wonderfully blissful I wish I had never broken it. Now, those who knew (family) urged and urged and urged me to seek therapy to deal with it. I resisted for several years until finally I decided I had to because while I couldn't feel all the pain in a visceral way I knew something was below the surface that was influencing some bad destinations in my life.

 

So, I did the thing that everyone tells you to do and "got help" and the "getting help" lead to one of my counselors convincing me that I needed to file a police report and make a statement. Talking about what happened and going through the process was the worst experience of my life. It was a pain and suffering that literally persisted for about 3 years from the time I first sought help to the time I felt like I became a human being again. Some family sided with me, others didn't - that was painful. The cops assured me they believed me, but couldn't do anything to take the person off the streets because too much time had passed for DNA evidence. Again, that was painful. If I had never made the decision to go therapy, to tell others about it, and make a police statement all of that pain and suffering could have been avoided. I know that doesn't seem like it makes sense.

 

Does that mean I made the wrong choice? I don't think so. I'm thriving in a way I never did before and could never have thought possible. Do I wish I'd never decided to face it? Oh all the damn time...but again, that doesn't mean I made the wrong choice either. I think the progress I've made in every level of my life and the great successes I've had are testament to it being what was best for me, though it didn't feel that way then and it often doesn't "feel" that way now.

 

One important lesson I've learned is the value in following more than just your emotions and "feelings" because they certainly can lead you astray - no matter how convincing they feel or seem.

 

But, it's going to be a very tough road ahead for your girlfriend and no one can make the decision for her on how or what she'll do to handle this situation.

 

I'm glad you came here because you too now have this trauma to deal with as her partner. Nothing will ever be the same, but that doesn't mean it can't be good again either because it can. But, I can't stress enough the ups and downs you will both go through and that it's a very slow process. She's fortunate to have someone who cares so much.

[GuardianLion]

There really isn't much point in speculating and worrying about the future. Not all women cope by being promiscuous or breaking up with their boyfriend. Focus on what you can do and all you can do is to continually support her. When she cries, tell her you're there for her and ask her if she wants a hug.

 

I understand. What is important is that she's not doing that and she does have the crying episodes.

[GuardianLion]

I can't say that she doesn't feel completely 100 percent safe around you, it is possible that she does. It is likely however, that she may have some fears or reservations that she may not choose to tell you about. I'm sure you are a safe guy. It can really change your worldview and make you wonder.

 

Probably, if this happened, it would be within the context of your relationship. Trust in men is something that she may, depending on her history and her resiliency, have to work very hard to restore. If she trusts you it is far more likely that she wouldn't cheat, but rather would become perhaps more aggressively sexual in your relationship. It could happen, if part of her need to work it out is to risk the danger of strangers and see if she can manage it, but don't catastrophize here. It probably won't.

 

Just keep it tucked away. The knowledge they it could. Not so that it effects your relationship now. But so that on the small chance that it does you won't be surprised by it, and you won't hurt her worse by your response to it.

 

How does one deal with this? Keep doing the best you can.

 

Let me ask you this. What do you wish you could have done for her in the situation and what do you wish you could do for her now?

 

If she were to cheat I'm not sure how I'd deal with that. It's always been a deal breaker for me and would make things worse. Like I said though, the important thing is that she is not doing that. She has a strong family. Her father and a brother is coming by later to check on her.

 

We've gone to the store multiple times... it's Rite Aid. What gives me fear is that it is very possible that the man who attacked her already knows where she lives.... What if he was stalking her? This is one of the reasons she's stayed in the house. We have a German Shepherd and a Doberman so if anyone broke in while I was gone... well... tough luck on them.

 

For now, I just want her to let out all her pain so I can hold her in my arms and comfort her however I can

[todreaminblue]

I already apologized. I was only pointing out what she may be thinking because she is traumatized. I was giving you a different view and one that might be on her mind. I didn't know why you mentioned it but I'm glad it was because you didn't want debate to enter the thread. As I don't know you, I was wondering if this was something you had mentioned to her before in passing that women were to blame for what they wore, drank or did. Again I apologize if it seemed I was being insensitive. You mentioned she was distraught and I was just letting you know things that could be running through her mind, not assuming anything.

 

what you said was horrible about peoples assumptions but.....i know its true.....the worst thing about being raped even as a child i was not being believed for one, the other bad thing is assumptions......i was deemed a dirty minded child, a demon seed because i told a girl about my rape....i didnt say a word for five years because my parents told me people wouldnt understand just like they didnt report me being raped because they didnt want me to be local tv.......i was and still am contrary to what i write here.....a shy woman and i was a shy girl, my parents knew that i dont like attention......which is another thing i have been accused of when i have told my story...i want attention ...can you believe that?.....another thing a grown woman said about me ....is that i was a sexual deviate.....as a ten year old, i took that pretty hard someone would think that about me and then tell th echildren i was tryign to make friends with to stay away from me.....for after all i was five when i was first assaulted......my rapist didnt only rape me....he got to attack me again amd again with and through other peoples perceptions and hwo they thought...he di dtell me an dhsi wife told me too ....no one would believe me...........they had bonus chances to make me feel dirty and worthless and low life scum ....tainted through others and what they thought up about me......ignorance is killer.....

 

 

 

so i would assume what i felt about telling anyone is exactly the way your gf may feel without anyone questioning her assault or actually happening that soemone says soemthign stuffed up about it, to know its true yet.......after i told this one girl when i was ten about my rape ....she told her mother and the mother was the one to spread my story and say how wicked and evil i was for telling her daughter that....to make up such lies ...i was a monster..she removed her daughter from sitting next to me in class.......and i was shunned i spent a lot of time in my early school years in the library reading.............i was isolated fro years from children forming any type of friendships with me coming specifically from their parents i would imagine...........years of loneliness.......so again smile charmer....i understood what you wrote it was insightful and so dead set true its not funny......op....these are things to consider and consider carefully what smilecharmer wrote...some people when told about certain actions ....or bad things that happen ...twist them ...because they dont want to believe it.....they just dont want to....i know it first hand.its one reason why i dont bother reporting when i have been raped i would rather handle it alone than rely on someone else to fix me or better yet try and understand what has happened......ill never report someone assaulting me i just wont..and i have never.............deb

Edited July 26, 2014 by todreaminblue

[me85]

GuardianLion, no where in my original post did I say your girlfriend needs to be away from you. I have reposted the advice I gave below. I understand and applaud your efforts for support and advice on LS but in all honestly the situation you and your girlfriend are in can only be helped by professionals. I really hope you and your GF seek therapy to get through this tragedy.

 

Best wishes to you both.

 

 

 

You need to do both seperate counseling and couple's counseling.

 

Yes, it most certainly will help both of you. She needs counseling more than you and I really hope you support her every step of the way.

 

I know it's difficult for you as well but try to put your feelings aside for a while. She needs you to be there for her no matter how she acts, she is entitled to have swift mood swings and episodes. Counseling will help determine if she needs time away from "men" (YOU) while this is still so fresh for her. Imagine how fu cked up she feels knowing you are not the one who hurt her but may not want to be touched by you. Just because she talks to you, I promise she is not telling you everything she feels. That's impossible for her to do anyway because even she doesn't know what she feels.

 

Unless someone has been sexually assaulted, they will never understand the extent of damage it causes and the long term effects.

 

I pray for sex crime victims all over the world.

 

Stay on her side and never give up. Couples have gotten through horrible situations such as this. It is possible but it takes consistent WORK from both partners.

 

Sincerely,

J

[me85]

While the best outcomes may often be had with therapy, it absolutely needs to be her choice in this instance and she should not be or feel pressured by anyone to go.

 

Right now, refusing therapy may very well be her way of exerting some control.

 

I'm not disagreeing with you, and it's not that I don't think that it would be great if they both could get some counseling.

 

Just, well meaning friends, family, etc are all probably suggesting this. Ad nauseum.

 

If and when she is ready. She didnt do anything wrong to deserve what happened to her, right now it very well might feel as if the counseling and the pain and the crap are all unfair punishments that she wants to do her best to avoid or get out of.

 

Later on, she may begin to see that counseling, if she finds herself trapped in a prison of pain and fear, can be the best way to help herself get out of it. And yes, it is unfair because essentially, the rapist put her in that prison.

 

But he is not going to help her get out of it, ever. Only she can when she is ready and it has to be her choice.

 

 

I completely agree with what you're saying as well. It is absolutely 100% true. She doesn't need to feel pressured in any way to do what she isn't ready to do, but has she and her boyfriend even discussed any options since the assault??

 

I read through this thread but don't remember reading whether Gaurdianlion mentioned if they discussed the option of therapy with his GF or not.

 

IMO friends and family should support and gently encourage her to talk to a specialist. IMO I don't see how it would do any more harm. If done in the right manner with a lot of patience and understanding.

 

Guardianlion cannot help her, no one can really help her at this point but herself. I am fully aware what you mean though Anya. It does need to be on her terms but for the sake of her well being and her RS with Guardian it would be best if he were to ask her (or someone ask her, sometime in the near future) if she would be willing to go talk to someone or if she would be supportive of him going to talk to someone. Someone has to be open minded enough to entertain the idea of going to talk to a therapist at least once.

 

People suffering are in pain and get frustrated with people hovering over them treating them as fragile porcelain but speaking from experience, we really want the kind of support from people that would make us hate them for at that moment but have us thanking them through tears later on down the road. We all need that push.

 

The fact is, the victim's loved ones could tip toe around her, act like everything is normal and not force anything on her and the victim could still take a turn for the worst. No matter what they choose to do for the victim, it's a gamble. I'd rather encourage someone in a gentle loving way...as in, stay on their case in a gentle loving way...to create an ACTION PLAN to get better. Not to just let feelings flow and consume the victim without any sort of healthy guidance.

 

In this case, a shoulder to cry on and a boyfriend telling you he loves you and will be there for you is simply not enough.

Edited July 26, 2014 by me85

[GuardianLion]

Well I'm back. Will give a brief response in a bit. Need some time to organize this information.

[GuardianLion]

We talked a little today. When I brought up her repression she got visibly angry and started to yell because she felt I kept bringing it up. She rarely yells so this was... different. When this happened I explained to her that I am not trying to rush anything but that I am here for her to talk to. I brought up trauma therapy and gave her the websites and we will see about exploring it. Well, I will look but she may or may not. Who knows?

 

I got her to calm down and we sat down and talked about how she felt... those feelings she was suppressing. She opened up more about how she felt... it was vague but the key was that she talked.

 

You guys were right about her feeling dirty. Remember, I am the first and only man she's ever been with so she admitted to feelings tainted and ruined. She feels my image of her has been ruined. Of course I don't abide to that but it's what she said. This all took place over about two hours. More was said but this is the juice of it

[littleplanet]

We talked a little today. When I brought up her repression she got visibly angry and started to yell because she felt I kept bringing it up. She rarely yells so this was... different. When this happened I explained to her that I am not trying to rush anything but that I am here for her to talk to. I brought up trauma therapy and gave her the websites and we will see about exploring it. Well, I will look but she may or may not. Who knows?

 

I got her to calm down and we sat down and talked about how she felt... those feelings she was suppressing. She opened up more about how she felt... it was vague but the key was that she talked.

 

You guys were right about her feeling dirty. Remember, I am the first and only man she's ever been with so she admitted to feelings tainted and ruined. She feels my image of her has been ruined. Of course I don't abide to that but it's what she said. This all took place over about two hours. More was said but this is the juice of it

 

 

OP, my sincere condolensces. I wish both you and your girlfriend nothing but the best.

 

I went through something like this a long time ago, with a woman who is still a dear friend. However, we were not then nor ever afterward in a relationship.

 

I recall this advice:

 

If everyone (or anyone) around her is making her feel pressured to do anything.....it can possibly - and even quite probably.....make her feel disempowered all over again.

It was after all, an act that took place completely outside her control.

Now, her way of balancing out that fact could be a supreme need to control her future actions.

 

This does not solve her ultimate problem, which is coming to terms with what happened and be able to continue on in a happy life.

If the problem is that no-one who is offering her good words of advice can identify exactly with what she is feeling - then this can magnify her own sense of isolation.

 

The beautiful thing with therapy can happen when people who have shared similar experiences can cut through the mess and get down to the nitty gritties.

But she has to make up her own mind about that.

This is very important.

 

In the meantime, all you can do is be there for her.

In all good ways that you can.

And especially letting her know that she is running her own show, in her own way.

You can't fix her.....and really no-one else can, either.

 

But people can fix themselves.

When they are ready.

When they find their own comfort zone.

And although they rarely do this alone......(but with the help of others who know how to do it)......ultimately, it is an intensely private and personal journey.

 

Something precious was taken....robbed, from her.

Now, her pain is its replacement.

On the other side of that pain, is her own true self.

 

She is not nothing but her victimhood. Yet that is probably how she feels.

Anything and everything that you can do to allow her to feel loved and alive in your heart......beyond the issue of what happened to her......can help her immeasurably.

If she is still whole in your heart, it can be a strong foundation.

 

But..........it takes time.

And the time, ultimately, must of course - be her time.

 

Good luck to you both!

[Reels]

It was not your fault that she was raped. No matter how much you blame.

 

Whatever happened, it cannot be returned. So try concentrating on better approach.

[me85]

Several things.

 

I agree that just tiptoeing around if a person is choosing something unhealthy is not a helpful response. This happened just two months ago. Wanting to put it out of her mind right now is neither unhealthy, non-normative, or any sign of a problem. Right now.

 

Later on, if she is not coping. If she is experiencing clear-cut PTSD, rape trauma syndrome (which it seems clear she is experiencing right now), then perhaps some gentle encouragement.

 

If it has already been suggested more than once, though, then now is the time to leave it be for now.

 

Obviously none of us wants to be treated like fragile porcelain. That is not at all what I am advocating or recommending. Rather, right now, that she needs to feel in control of her own life, and what she really doesn't need right now, is to feel like people around her are trying to subtly control her or get her to do something that she doesn't fundamentally want to do right now.

 

As far as a shoulder to cry on not being enough. Yes. And no.

 

Some wounds can never be completely healed and no amount of support from others can change or negate that fact.

 

However, you learn to live with it. You learn to incorporate it.

 

And when you need comfort from another human being and they are willing to provide it, you learn to let it help. To let it be enough. Even if it technically can't be or never will be.

 

But having someone there for you in the wake of it that truly cares for you and knows what has happened is something that you never forget. You never ever lose gratitude for. And it is a debt that you can never truly repay.

 

That can't heal the fundamental wound. But it can be some truly soothing salve that can help you get through the darkest hours.

 

 

Lord knows I respect you. I've followed your posts and think a lot of you.

 

But, aren't you suggesting that she just settle? Yes, in life, as you put it, the reality is what you suggest. I agree. That's exactly what I did in her situation. We DO learn to live with the pain, but looking back, I should've taken affirmative action to heal properly.

 

Like we both said, we don't know if options have been discussed or not between the two of them and if they haven't...then it wouldn't hurt.

 

Yes, it means a lot to have someone love you and "see you through it", but in reality they absolutely cannot see you through it. She needs the kind of support a non-survior can not provide. It really helps to dive deep into the ways to recover and it doesn't sound like like they are going sub-level.

 

Whether or not she loves him & is truly grateful for him being by her side is not the issue here. OP is at a loss with how to truly be there for her and cope with everything through all this. When we are at a loss and feel like we have "tried it all" then, well, we haven't tried it all-at all. There's always a next step. IMO I think the next step is to pursue therapy. If she feels it isn't helping…then try something else.

 

We have to strive for a greater outcome, do we not??

Edited July 27, 2014 by me85

[me85]

Furthermore, we as victims often blame ourselves and feel ashamed. Thoughts of "Should've could've would've…" She deserves the opportunity to explore all the possibilities of what she may or may not be feeling and why.

 

An unbiased opinion goes a long way.

[GuardianLion]

@AnyaNova

 

What was your experience like? The recovery process and whatnot?