help!

[fleaflyex]

I'm a mw who had an affair w/a mm. it is over now and the aftermath of all of this is too painful. It has caused my family my marraige and the om's as well. I am trying to get back into the good graces of my H but i dont know if he will ever want me again, anyone been in my shoes?

[moo]

sorry not been in your shoes

theres an infidelity section where you might be able to ask BS's about what they needed from there w/h in order to forgive and work on the m

[ThumbingMyWay]

How did it end?

 

Were you discovered or did you confess and end it on your own?

 

 

and NO, I havent been in your shoes....I am a betrayed H...so I'm in your husband shoes....maybe I can help you to understand what he is feeling.

 

 

 

And....maybe its just coincidence....but you user name is similar to a betrayed husband whos been here for about 3 weeks....

[whichwayisup]

I see, you're Fleaflys wife.

 

Have you gone and read his posts in the Infidelity section?

 

We've all been helping him through this and if you want, share what you feel here and I'm sure many will try their best to help you as well.

 

No matter what, there is alot of love there and just now alot of owning up to do, mistakes were made and alot of pain is left to deal with it seems.

 

Marriage councilling and honesty -100%-PURE and OPEN honesty with your husband. That is the only way to fix your marriage, if you want to work at it.

 

Read around, check out Owl and DazednConfused posts in Infidelity. That way maybe you can understand the pain they are suffering...But also read alot of OW here and the pain they've endured too.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[StrawberryGirl]

I am in your shoes......Husband and I were separated a year when I got pregnant with a MM's baby....during the affair with MM, husband would ask me here and there to come back and work out our marriage....I never did....then I got pregnant from MM.....MM left me 3 mos into my pregnancy to go back to wifey. My husband and I remained friends but would still ask me to come back home, he said he would raise MM's baby like his own. So I did go home...So husband took me back while pregnant with MM's baby...but it is a very rocky road...My husband will bring up MM..I ask him not to mention MM's name but he will say it again...Or things will be going good and then he will have an outburst of resentment or hurt and say mean things to me and bring up the whole MM thing. Maybe he THOUGHT he could do it, and be with me again howver it is hard for him. I recently told him he needs to let it go if he wants our marriage to work but this was his responce "You f-ed a MM and had his baby I will NEVER forget" Husband was the one who asked me back home and I decided to try to work it out however now I am beginning to think it may not work and I don't want to live like this. Its rough!

 

How R you trying to get in good with husband???

[fleaflyex]

yes, that is my husband whos been posting here and i thought maybe i could get some more insight into how i can help him heal and realize that i am sorry and i made the hugest mistake in the world. I love him and i don't want to lose him. I want to be able to work it out. He is trying really hard to comfort ME right now. that i know is very hard for him and i appreciate the efforts he is trying to give me, it means the world. I am a mess when he's gone and am tryinig to be strong for the kids and get it together. But I would do anything to make it work and not give up. I can never take it back but i would in a second if i could. I would have went to him and never given up. I wont quit now, i will wait no matter what. I know hes going thru rollercoaster emotions. I've just been a mess, i'm saying things i don't mean. like he said he wanted to get the divorce going and i said wait, please and he had said why? so i blurt out i'll contest it. I would never do it and i dont know why i said it, i just didn't want him to make a decision yet. Im hanging on to the little sliver of hope i have. i sit and think of how i pushed him away and i am so ashamed of myself. i took him for granted and didn't appreciate him, the same things i felt from him before is what i was doing to him. i dont know how i could do that. im not that kind of person, well i didn't used to be anyway, which you will think is hard to believe but i did used to be a good person.

 

I'm in counseling by myself now and he is on his own as well. I don't know, the counselor is telling me not to blame myself but to be accountable, i looked at him like he was friggen nuts. blame doesn't help he said, well mr counselor that's how i feel.

 

Sg maybe i took this the wrong way but forgive me if i did, i do that alot lately. im not "getting in good" with him i am trying to give him space he needs but im having a hard time w/that as well, i miss him so much and think the longer he is gone, less the chance we have. good luck to you, he's a noble man to take on anothers child. i only know this because my father abandoned me.

[whichwayisup]

I'm glad you posted back...

 

Just keep trying, don't give up...I bet it is hard and frustrating for you both, so much to deal with...But to work through all the heartache and pain, it will be worth it and eventually with that hard work and openess and pure honesty will be a new and improved relationship waiting to be embraced.

 

All I can tell you, is be 100% honest with him. Don't hold back any information that he asks, anything and everything. He's been hurt horribly and now hiding it is not a good idea. Show him what's in your heart, but allow him HIS time to grieve, and go through all the upheavel and emotions he's feeling...Cuz he has every right to feel them now.

 

I told him to read DazednConfused's thread. I think you need to read it aswell. It's very long, there's over 8 pages of posts and replies but really worth the read. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

 

There is so much emotion, pain and honesty in it...Everybody who I know who's read it has been affected by Dazed's words and his strength of working hard to overcome his wife's mistake and together they finally started rebuilding.

 

I do hope you and your husband find eachother again.

 

Keep posting and venting...

[moo]

Blaming yourself just isn't going to help. What is the point? You are sorry. The only thing to do when you have made a mistake is to do everything you can to ensure you never make that mistake again ... that is, work out where you were and why you did it.

 

Whatever state of mind you were in at the time ... work on that. Forgive yourself and love yourself. If you were seeking somebody, or somebody came along and it seemed like a cure, then you were trying to feel more loved.

 

I am not saying your husband let you down (this I have no idea of.) I am saying YOU let yourself down by not loving yourself in the first place, not seeing what was really good for you. I don't see how blaming yourself is going to help with the initial problem.

 

You must heal yourself and allow your husband to heal himself, whatever it takes. When you are both healed, then you can come together and work this out. Support each other by all means, but don't support each other to the detriment of yourselves, as that will only leach more good from the situation between you.

 

Good luck and much good energy to you.

[fleaflyex]

hello again. i had started to read dazed's thread. it is long and im not quite finished yet. i really feel he loves her and wants to work it out and is going to be committed to it. yesterday my H had another session. He had spent the night before w/me because i was such a wreck. We keep talking and crying and talking and i thought we had a little progress, especially after the counseling session, he said he cant guarantee me he wont leave but he wont quit either. I was so happy that he wasn' t letting me go yet, that when he said it, i looked in his eyes and he meant it.

 

So he came over last night we were going to watch a show together and i told him that i had started to post here and what i had said, the replies that I had gotten. He wanted to read it. Fine with me, ive been reading his. So 2 weeks ago i got another email address becasue when he started posting on this it popped up and i didn't know if i started posting if that would piss him off or not. It has taken me that long to get the guts to know what to say or how to start. And I thought he was deleting my mail. My girlfriend was sending me a few and i never got them. ( He has all my passwords.) Well now hes pissed about the email and i t took me a while to figure out why. Then i thought he thinks i emailed OM. I HAVE NOT!!! and i will not. i did the NC letter and im not in anyway ever going to. i am committed to this and not giving up. he left really mad again.

 

I feel like I can't do anything right, i try to get on here for some help and next thing i know i'm in trouble for what he says starting a "secret life" again.

 

When he was coming over last night it was the first night that I didn't feel like a raging crying lunatic. I want us to spend time together, i love him and i want him to want this too. I hope he can get past the anger and see what i was doing wasnt trying to hurt but to help. ?????

[whichwayisup]

I'm glad that you're reading his posts, yes, it's really long but worth the read.

 

I think when it comes to you and your husband now, you may have to realize the trust level is really at it's lowest. Allow him to react the way he needs to react.

 

Right now his actions speaks louder than words...He hasn't "left you". Yes you both are not 'together' in the sense that things are wonderful- But with alot of openess, honesty and talking it can be again. Don't read into his reactions, try not to over analyze what he does and doesn't do. He is there when it counts and so far from what you've said and what he has said he has been.

 

He is on the rollercoaster ride too, doesn't want to be, but he is...So I guess the new email addy set him off and he questioned you. Again, know that the trust level is so low right now and he needs to know ALL - So allow him to it. I'm sure it feels like an invasion of privacy, but he needs to do this for a while. I'm sure somebody else will explain it better than me...

 

Start a daily journal and write out your feelings, thoughts, fears etc...Allow him access to it - Let him read it.

 

It may take a while but don't give up. Take it day by day and keep the door as wide open as you can...Even steps backward is progress because he's still there. Know in your heart and don't give up on him or yourself either.

 

Lots of hugs to you.

[Owl]

Fleaflyex-

You really need to understand what the TRUE issue he's dealing with now...TRUST.

 

It's gone. He's found out that you are not the person he thought you were. He's learned that your marriage actually ISN'T better than everyone elses. (Realize that we all go through life with that little lie in front of us..,"Well, I know they're having trouble, but that could never happen to us because what we have is SPECIAL".) Basically, from his perspective at this time, your whole relationship has been a lie. He has no way at this point in time to really KNOW what was real between you, and what was not. He never saw this coming, had no way to truly know what it was going to feel like to him when it DID happen.

 

He has no idea how to begin trusting you again. So, the responsibility for re-building that trust falls now to YOU. You're going to have to figure out how to show him that the affair is over, that you are changing whatever it was that you caused you to have the affair so that he can KNOW that you wont' ever do this again. That is going to take months...if not years. But it begins now.... One of those changes you need to make is to remain "an open book" to him. NO SECRETS...no matter how trivial they seem to you, they're going to be HUGE to him. That email account...it may well have been something innocent...but right now, EVERYTHING you do is going to tie back to the affair to him. You start a new email account to make sure that you get the ones from your lady friend...totally harmless. He sees this as one MORE thing that you're trying to hide from him.

 

My suggestion? YOU take the steps to show him that everything is over, and that you're willing to work it out. You've started your own counseling...GREAT first step! Now...YOU take the initiative to show him anything he wants to know about the affair, how it worked, and what you're doing now to show him that it's over. If you two talked online, then install a key-logger on your computer, and GIVE HIM the password, and ask him to change it so you don't know it. If you talked on the phone or mobile phone, then ASK him to keep an eye on your phone log..don't ever delete anything. And see if you can find out where he can get daily records on cellphone use, and give him that link. If you two were meeting up someplace, then ask your husband to feel free on calling you at random times, or find some way to SHOW him that you're where your supposed to be.

 

The bottom line is this...if you want to re-build this marriage, it's going to be up to YOU to do the work to make it happen. You made the mistake...and your husband seems to be seriously dealing with deciding whether or not the effort to re-build your marriage is worth it. So do your part, and hope that he can deal with things and begin to work on getting past this as well. It's going to take a LONG time...years most likely. It's a rough time for everyone...good luck!

[fleaflyex]

I haven't been online since i dont have access to a computer. i have to make this to the point i guess because i have been reading a ton.

 

I love my H, I want this to work more than anything else in this world. I am sorry, for what i did, for who i became, for not coming to him, for giving up, for thinking i could find something i was missing w/someone else. I was a fool and i am ashamed of myself. I am everything my H says i am, a whore, tramp, homewrecker. I dont deserve him.

 

I have NOT contacted OM since this happened nor do i ever want to see/hear from him EVER if my F****** life. My H says he called him the other night when i was in my rage, flip out, want to die give up fits. I don't want him J, I want you.

 

I hate the fact that he is seeing other people, and telling me details about it, im a fool for asking though, i think i deserve all of the guilt I feel, i should hurt worse than he does. I dont deserve the kids, i dont deserve his love.

But god i love him. I cannot lose him, i am nothing without him. Nothing. I feel so empty inside, I dont know what to do. if i try to give him space i think he will just keep seeing this woman/women and find something better. i cannot blame him but i also cannot let go. he was my protector for 17 years and even though i did this to him, i feel he's doing it to me too. i know, he tells me, but it doesn't take away the hurt of it.

 

I feel like im at the end of my rope, last night i tried to call and call him today is our daughters 5th bday and thaought we could spend the day together. i have the number of the other woman because i did do those things, but i didn't know what else to do i want to call her and say, stay the F**K out of it, he's still my husband i still love him and give him a chance to give us a chance.

 

he ended up coming over and i knew it would be bad, i am such a mess. i just freaked about her and i'll kill her, i'll rip her up, it's how much jealousy i have, i know its not fair to feel this after all i have done, but it consumes me. i hurts so bad. i just cant do this anymore, im losing my god damn mind. please help me.

[whichwayisup]

Fleaflyex...Good to see you posting back again and I'm glad you are reading posts. I hope your husband now reads what YOU say because to me, you are being very honest - You really should be proud of yourself. This is not going to be easy AT ALL...But you now see how horrible things have become and why.

 

You both HAVE to get to MC and work this out. There is SO much love between you both and once EGO's are in check and put away for good - Only then- Will the working together instead of against eachother work.

 

Flea- STOP seeing OP and get yer butt back to work things with your wife. You both are wanting the same thing yet on completely different sides of the fence. HELP eachother out abit and start with a clean slate. NO more contact with OP outside of the marriage- FOR BOTH OF YOU.

 

Read Thumbs posts in Infidelity Fleaflyex. It will help you. Today he posted an incredible thread and just shows HOW hard he has worked to save his marriage. No picnic for either of them, but the focus and desire is there. IS it for you and Mr Flea?? I hope so.

 

Hang in there, please POST away. I am happy to see you posting again...Hopefully you can have access abit more often.

 

Hugs to you.

 

WWIU

[fleaflyex]

thank you for responding. like i said, i feel so alone and i don't know what to do.

the other night was daughters bday and i took the kids out to eat and it was just a mess, i get home and there's a message from him, hes going out of town, tell the kids i love them, dont try to contact me i'll be back in a few days, don't worry about me. So i end up freaking out in front of the kids, crying etc. I feel terrible about this but i dont have any control over it. So i ended up calling "one" of the i think many people he's seeing to see if he's w/her, asked her if she's sleeping w/him, if she was at his apt, etc..... at first i didn't believe her and said, look, I love him and i want to try and make this work and i would appreciate if you were honest w/me. I can only hope she was.

 

So yesterday we were supposed to have another couples session at the MC. I thought he was "out of town" but 5 min after we started he came in. shocked the sh** out of me and the MC i think. We had it out and the mc says he wont let himself get to the vulnerable part that wants me so he just keeps pushing me away and letting the angry part take over.

 

I can see the love although, he says he loves me he says he cant do it. He wants to start over w/someone else not me. This is killing me.

 

He came over last night and was pissed off when he got there i think because i told him i called her at counseling. oh well, i wasnt going to lie and i didnt want to put her in the middle. spent some time with the kids and wants me to get the taxes done so that he can file and wants me to pay half. I dont know what to do. everything i think about him is wrong and he just keeps pounding it into my head its over to let him go, but then i read all the things you guys have been saying about him seeing op and his response and then i feel that im not nuts.

 

i didn't want to come back in here because i feel as though i am invading his space, but maybe if i hadn't he would have been satisfied with just this and not out f***ing and seeing other women.

 

I dont know how to let him go nor do i want to. i am more than committed to working this out, i want our marraige to be better, i want us there for each other forever. I was a mess, hell i'm still a mess. this i know i want, will always want til i die. i dont know what to do. how can he say these things here and then only tell me to get over it?

 

Then he called back last night to see if i was ok and of course im still a mess crying myself to sleep. he came to watch a show with me and stayed the night. i haven't been sleeping so i had a hard time getting up for work at 5am and asked him to take the kids to school, at first he says no then i bawl like a freak, i just fealt overwhelmed and then he tells me to come lay w/him and calm down.

 

I just wish he could see how sorry i am, he says he doesnt care that i m sorry, it doesn't change anything and i tell him i love him there isn't hardly ever a response. I love him so much and i dont know how to live w/out him, i really dont but im afraid of him filing because then that's it and i'll just die.

 

how am i supposed to show him when he says its over, how do i let go and not think the worst when he's out, im a woman, that's what we do! i'll never accept it that he's gone, i cant and i dont even know how to try. uuuuggghhhh......

[whichwayisup]

I guess you are going to have to allow him time. If you push, he'll move further away.

 

He's been hurt really bad - But that does not give him an excuse to do what he is doing now. I don't think it is making the situation any better. Seems the focus is lost on TRYING to make it work and wanting the marriage back. I don't know what else to say about that part of it because I don't know what is going on inside his head.

 

I feel for you and your pain, but you are going to have to focus on yourself right now. Can't control what he does/doesn't do.

 

If you can, do therapy and work on YOU. Remember what it is that brought you both together. Maybe if he sees you working really hard and putting in more of the effort to fix the marriage he will come around again.

 

HE loves you just as you love him. Don't forget that! Right now he isn't thinking straight and isn't doing what he should be trying to do.

 

Keep posting - I think it is helping you more than you know, and once you get Private messaging working (I think you have to post more though for that to happen) feel free to PM me anytime.

 

One thing I do have to add in abit more on is when the time does come he comes home, focus on HIM. You are the one now who has to put in 100% and SHOW him that you made a mistake and you are willing to do anything and everything it takes to make things better and for him to come back for good.

Once that happens the MC will take off in a good direction...

 

Hang in there, don't give up. Love your kids in the meantime and tell them their daddy loves them too. Don't say bad things to them about him because that isn't fair to anybody.

 

Hope this helps you some more...Try and have a good weekend. DO something fun with the kids and concentrate on them - that will make you feel better...

[fleaflyex]

well he's going to file, and i cant do anything to stop it. i finally went out last night w a friend and all i wanted to do after was to be alone so i asked if i could go to his apt and he would nt give me the keys said he didn'dt want me there but the night before when he called my mom over he was all about it. didn't want me to see the papers i guess.

 

that night i had an anxiety attack, thought i was going to friggen die and he helped me thru it. kept telling me he loves me and would rip the papers up. saying smile, you should be happy and i asked if he promised to. he says yes. then we make love and he stayed the night.

 

the next day he brought our son to school and then i didnt hear from him so i called on my break and he told me that everything he said to me was just to make me feel better because he was scared of what happened to me and just wanted to make me feel better.

 

my girlfrind called when he was home wiht the kids and talked to him i guess saying hes playing games w/me and that is NOT what i said, i am just so confused and i dont want him to go. he tried packing after i flipped and told him to take all of his **** and i wouldnt let him go . i dropped the kids off at her house so they werent there.

 

im at his apt now and getting my luggage and find that all the condoms are pretty much used up, so he's been a busy boy so i took care of the rest of them.

 

i feel helpless, i dont know how to let him go and he says all he wants is to move on with his life. why cant he see how sorry i am and this will never happen again, why cant he see that i love him so god damn much that's why im fu**ing crazy right now.

 

i went to his mom for help and she just stabbed me in the back telling him to committ me. nice.

 

i told him i was not giving up, he said take a year off, but would continue to see others. and he said that just to make it easier on me, that he has no intension of coming home ever.

 

nobody will ever know him like i do, nobody will ever love him like i do 17 years together and i threw it away. i am such a piece of ****, how could i do this?

then he says the other night that he gets understanding and compassion from her, someone who listens to him, who he can go to. boy, sounds familiar?

 

I want to be the one he comes to , i want to help him, i want to be there when he needs me but he's already replaced me with so many others and now i do feel the pain because it is ripping my heart out. that on top of all that i have done.

 

how do you get back? how do i show him if he's not here? how do i move on when i dont know how to? how do i let him go to be with someone else? hes my life and i know i should have thought about that before but my head was f'd up and i was hearing all thies **** from the om, i deserve better.... etc and when i was with him i felt cared about, now all of that is a lie anyway so it doesn't matter. how could i have thought i had love for someone else? why couldnt i see thru that? how will i ever get my husband back? i love him so much, and all i want is him, now and forever.

this is killing me.

 

i am not this messed up person, i am not. i

[li'l bunny]

Oh hon, I feel for you I really do. I know you did something terrible but Flea is just not being fair. I realise he needs to deal with this in his own way but I think what he's doing is destructive. He is trying to punish and punish you. He wants to hurt you like you hurt him. I bet every time he sleeps with someone he blames you. It sounds like it anyway.

 

Is he ignoring the children? He is still their dad. They should still come first in all of this. You shouldn't be crying in front of them or losing it because you really will scare them and they will think all this is their fault. Children think everything revolves around them so automatically think whatever is happening is happening because of them. Please be careful.

 

I don't know what you can do to make things better. It seems the way things are going that Flea is going to push YOU away and might very well end up regretting that. I don't think he can tell you he wants a divorce, then sleep with you then tell you again he wants a divorce. He's not being fair to himself or to you. He needs to decide what he really wants and then stick to it. But you need to stop shouting at him and stop using the children against him. You CAN'T tell your kids that their daddy is playing away, it's really awful.

 

If he does decide he doesn't want to come back then you will deal with. It will be difficult but you need to keep it together for your kids. I believe very strongly that before couples divorce they should have a trial separation for about a year or two (and not see anyone during this time). This way you both get to calm down, deal with your own issues and decide what is best for both of you.

 

Please let us now how you are, and look after yourself and Flea.

[Ladyjane14]

Posted to Flea's thread:

 

I just read Mrs. Flea's posts. She breaks my heart. I do believe in "hate the sin, but love the sinner".

 

The two of you need to stop hurting one another. Get the hell away from each other for awhile if you can't do any better than that. You can always re-visit your decisions in regards to the marriage, but you need to stop doing additional damage to each other.

 

Maybe consider.... instead of -or- in addition to, doing FAMILY counseling. Move the focus to your kids, and to being good parents to them.

 

You two are just too raw right now in your hurt feelings to get any marriage-building done. When all else fails.....do no harm.