Screaming match between husband and 16 y/o stepdaughter, cops called, now she's gone!

July 26, 2014

SD arrived here on Thursday night for a 2 week visit. She sees it as a chore to come up here so she is never happy. She is glued to her phone and doesn't let it out of her sight for anything. She goes to the bathroom with it, sleeps with it and never lets us see who or what she is texting. H picked her up at the train station on Thursday evening and from the moment she walked in the front door, she didn't take her eyes off that phone. I want to take it from her and smash it into little pieces as I am so tired of there being no interaction whatsoever. She couldn't even say 10 words to me when she got here. Boy this will be a fun 2 weeks.

H took the day off yesterday to spend with her. SD was clearly not happy when I got home at 4:30 and they don't seem super happy with each other. She says he keeps hounding her to sit and watch a movie or play a video game or come outside with him and all she want to do is be left alone with her phone. She tells me she wants to go and do something fun this week as she is bored. I say "ok what do you want to do?" She gives me an exasperated "I don't know! I just want to get out of the house." Well other than me spending money on you at the mall, I don't think you enjoy doing anything else. Everything we do with her bores her to tears. We have a guest visit from about 5 til 6:30 and she is fine during that time yet doesn't really talk to the guy even though she was looking forward to him visiting and just sits on her damn phone rolling her eyes about how bored she is. After he leaves, we order pizza and then go to the grocery store before we pick up the pizza. She's copping attitude because she doesn't want to go to the store. She complains that we never do anything so here we are getting out of the house. She slams her bedroom door to go get changed and is still copping an attitude. She's pissy the entire time we are out and when we get back with the pizza she sits down and accidently knocks over H's beer. She just sits there. H makes some comment about how she can't clean up her own mess. She rolls her eyes. H is so sick of her on that phone that he tells her to put it away and eat dinner. She says no. He tells her again and she says no. He loses it and tells her to go to her room. Well the ****storm began. She started yelling at him about how he's not her father, he was never a father to her. He doesn't care about her and how she's always hated him, despised him, loathed him and starts throwing f bombs all over. He retaliates by doing the same thing. They are screaming at the top of their lungs and slamming doors and SD tries to throw a punch at H. He pushes her on the bed. I am so stressed out and go hide in the bathroom. The neighbor comes yelling if everything is ok and H tells him to go away. SD says she is going to call a cab and get a restraining order on H. 10 minutes later the cops knock on the door. I am still in the bathroom. They only stay a couple of minutes once they see SD isn't hurt and leave. The screaming and phone calls between her mother and them continue. Finally H tells me to just take her to Seattle where the mother's friend will pick her up and keep her until she can get back to her mom's the next day as she is not going to take a cab and she is threatening to go out the window and she does not want to be in the car with him. I take her down and she's crying and telling me how much she hates H and all he does is lie and I am just so stressed out about being in the middle of it that I just want to get her the hell out of the car and just remove myself from everything. Every time she visits it's stressful because I never know who's going to go off on the other one first, because there will be something, but it's never to this degree. H ended up punching a hole in the door and now we have neighbors who have heard yelling and slamming of doors and cops.

The whole thing was so surreal as I have never been witness to such a thing other than watching "Cops". I have never seen a 16 y/o child say such horrible things to a parent and be so defiant. She had a taunting response to EVERYTHING he said just to get the last word in. I am so embarrassed about the screaming and the neighbors hearing it and the cops coming that I don't want to step foot outside the house.

July 26, 2014

She is a 16 year old girl, and you are surprised that during a heated argument she is pure evil? Haha.

This kind of stuff happens with teens. Sometimes for no particular reason. I would almost bet that they will reconcile when it cools off.

One thing I'm curious about is when she was saying she was bored and wanted to get out of the house, you though taking her to the store was what she was talking about ?

July 26, 2014

One thing I'm curious about is when she was saying she was bored and wanted to get out of the house, you though taking her to the store was what she was talking about ?

No, we would have gone to do something today but she didn't have an answer for me on what she wanted to do. It was 7PM on a Friday night and we were getting pizza and groceries and had no plans of going out and doing anything that night. I was tired from work and she was sitting in her pajamas. We told her to come along to get out of the house for a bit since she is always complaining that she wants to go somewhere. No the store isn't awesome, but it's something to kill an hour. She can be on her phone out in public just as well as sitting on the couch.

July 26, 2014

This is typical teenage attitude combined with the fact that her father neglects her and doesn't have a great relationship with her. I know it's challenging to work stepparents and visiting teenagers together, but that is primarily her father's issue to address. Most teenagers scream and slam doors (at least once in their lives) and few of them are good at creating activity plans or finding things to do outside the house. Those are parenting challenges for your husband to solve.

I kept looking for the words or actions that would show SD how loved and welcomed she is by her father and by you. Unfortunately, I didn't see it. Her father tries to act the part (for the benefit of the neighbors?) but I suspect SD can see the insincerity.

I have never seen a 16 y/o child say such horrible things to a parent and be so defiant. She had a taunting response to EVERYTHING he said just to get the last word in.

That was her inept, childish attempt to provoke a loving response from her father. She's (unconsciously) testing him to see if he loves her.

I am so embarrassed about the screaming and the neighbors hearing it and the cops coming that I don't want to step foot outside the house.

I hope you can move past embarrassment towards empathy for the vulnerable child. Besides, many families have had screaming matches and other awkwardness in public. This isn't that bad....your SD's feelings matter much more than what the neighbors think of you. OTOH, if you want the neighbors to judge your H and you less harshly, then the right thing to do is for both of you - primarily HIM - to step up and start really doing the hard work to be loving parents to this girl despite the obvious challenges.

Next stop, counseling for whoever will go. Your H definitely needs IC to work on anger management and learn parenting skills and what is normal for teenagers.

July 26, 2014

he tells her to put it away and eat dinner. She says no. He tells her again and she says no. He loses it and tells her to go to her room. Well the ****storm began. She started yelling at him about how he's not her father, he was never a father to her. He doesn't care about her and how she's always hated him, despised him, loathed him and starts throwing f bombs all over. He retaliates by doing the same thing.

Right there she was telling him she doesn't think he cares about her. That's what he needs to respond to, but he's too reactive. A good parents tries to help their child feel secure, even when they're having a meltdown. I doubt he's ever been able to do that, and got in power struggles with her even when she was a toddler.

July 26, 2014

OK, so I read this as a child telling her father that she feels abandoned by him and instead of dealing with that, he just reacts to her anger.

She went to throw a punch,he shoved her on the bed and you....you ran away into the bathroom. You didn't try and calm things down, you didn't make sure she was ok? And you're blaming her completely for all this.

She's a hurting child. Your husband is an adult. Where's his responsibility for this? Or do you cast her as demon child and the two of you are perfect?

And with all this hurt and pain, your biggest concern is what the neighbours will think? Shallow, much?

July 26, 2014

OK, so I read this as a child telling her father that she feels abandoned by him and instead of dealing with that, he just reacts to her anger.

She went to throw a punch,he shoved her on the bed and you....you ran away into the bathroom. You didn't try and calm things down, you didn't make sure she was ok? And you're blaming her completely for all this.

She's a hurting child. Your husband is an adult. Where's his responsibility for this? Or do you cast her as demon child and the two of you are perfect?

And with all this hurt and pain, your biggest concern is what the neighbours will think? Shallow, much?

Yup...very shallow. I've had it with her and her moping and nothing we do ever makes her happy. She complains that H doesn't want anything to do with her?? Then yesterday she complains that he won't leave her alone and wants her to watch a movie with him or play video games together or go to the store. he's TRYING to interact with her and all he gets is attitude of "leave me alone"!.

July 26, 2014

OK, so I read this as a child telling her father that she feels abandoned by him and instead of dealing with that, he just reacts to her anger.

She went to throw a punch,he shoved her on the bed and you....you ran away into the bathroom. You didn't try and calm things down, you didn't make sure she was ok? And you're blaming her completely for all this.

She's a hurting child. Your husband is an adult. Where's his responsibility for this? Or do you cast her as demon child and the two of you are perfect?

And with all this hurt and pain, your biggest concern is what the neighbours will think? Shallow, much?

Well, this is a very sad set of circumstances indeed.

Who are the adults here?

It seems that the 16 yo learned how to argue and blowout from Dad and now he's getting the old pattern back at him.

Too much energy is going on in trying to reassert authority (control) instead of finding out what is going on for this young lady.

"Hey, I was thinking of getting another phone. What kind is that one? Can you show me how some of those apps work?"

A sixteen yo on a phone shouldn't be causing crap like this. Sixteen year olds have used phones incessantly, given attitude and pushed buttons since phones were invented.

Clearly the damn phone means a lot to her and you and your husband could have used it as an opportunity to connect instead of just trying to make it about how she needs to do what you want.

And seriously, he needs to get away from his daughter if she goes to punch. Not shove her. Wtf? Wtf parenting is that?

July 26, 2014

Yup...very shallow. I've had it with her and her moping and nothing we do ever makes her happy. She complains that H doesn't want anything to do with her?? Then yesterday she complains that he won't leave her alone and wants her to watch a movie with him or play video games together or go to the store. he's TRYING to interact with her and all he gets is attitude of "leave me alone"!.

Ahhhnd here we have the usual Authoritative Parenting Style where they hop from being "large and in charge" to "we can't control her into acting how we want so we are victims to her 'wrath' (even though we victimized her through criticism and intolerance) so she just needs to be completely rejected now."

Try this one out: " it seems like you'd like a little space to be on your phone with your friends. Right? Okay cool. But you know "Al" is visiting later. When he's here do you mind putting your phone away and catching up with your friends after?"

"It seems like we are having a hard time connecting? Is there anything bothering you?"

I get teens are frustrated. You sound frustrated. You even sound hurt.

Have you acknowedged that?

July 26, 2014

Here's an idea: don't have her stay at your house. Clearly neither of you are equipped to deal with a teenager. I'd say you're both doing more harm than good.

July 26, 2014

She feels abandoned...when did the split in her parents relationship happen? What were the circumstances of the breakdown? Was there an affair? Did he just walk out one day? Was there a period of time when he didn't see her?

ETA:

Also, she may be using the phone as a shield to protect herself from getting hurt again: If she's busy on it, then she can tell herself that her dad isn't ignoring her. If her dad wants to do something and she's worried it's going to end up in a fight or her being rejected somehow, she can use the phone as an excuse. Do you see? She's hurting.

Edited July 26, 2014 by BeingMe

July 26, 2014

She feels abandoned...when did the split in her parents relationship happen? What were the circumstances of the breakdown? Was there an affair? Did he just walk out one day? Was there a period of time when he didn't see her?

ETA:
Also, she may be using the phone as a shield to protect herself from getting hurt again: If she's busy on it, then she can tell herself that her dad isn't ignoring her. If her dad wants to do something and she's worried it's going to end up in a fight or her being rejected somehow, she can use the phone as an excuse. Do you see? She's hurting.

This is all a possibility.

It could be that she's using the phone as "Sword of I Hate You and You Never Make Me Happy" which is still resent.

But even that is a clear-cut sign that there is an emotional disturbance......so.....ASK, right?

I wonder how many times she's ever been asked what SHE needs when her parents are upset. I wonder if they even think she has any needs outside of theirs and what they decree.

It just seems to be "all about them" and how they can't get this "insolent, unhappy, disrespectful girl" to do what they want.

They want her to be "happy, respectful and understanding of them."

Those things are modeled. I am sure that if they showed "happy, respectful and understanding of her" she would go through a brief period (weeks or months) of adjusting to it and testing it, then she would most likely model it back.

Instead we're all on here to see how badly Step Mom is hurting in theory.

And Dad, even though he isn't on here.

So, if Step Mom is watching out for herself and Dad, and Dad is watching out for himself.....who is watching out for this girl who is having emotional volatility is the end-game of her developing years? Is anyone parenting here? Or are they just score-keeping?

What a mess.

OP I suggest for starters, "How to Listen so Kids will Talk and Talk so Kids will Listen."

And maybe "The Whole-Brained Child"

And seriously, your husband needs some kind of conflict-management. The whole attitude here just stinks. I am not saying that you aren't trying. Nor am I 21. I am 32 and a Mom. But it wasn't that long ago I was in a household with the authoritative stance.

The relationship with my parents is practically non-existent and they have been removed from having a relationship with my daughter because of how disgustingly they talk to me in front of her.

My mother has shown an interest in counseling to resolve the situation but again, she's tried to take my Dad's "side" saying that she didn't want to go with "just me" if she's leaving him out. Like she can only have a relationship with me if he grants some explicit permission. I told her to forget it. She is not to drag my abuser along to our sessions. If he wanted something to do with me, he would be calling me himself. Her and I have a session booked on August 29th. We'll have no contact until then. Hopes aren't high either. If my father raises a fuss between now and then, she will cancel. His feelings and needs have ALWAYS come first and foremost, even when I was a toddler. He blew up, we'd all have to rally around him to make him feel better no matter what and who he was victimizing.

I was a kid. And so is your step-daughter. The way that you talk makes you sound like the complaining teenager about her mother. "She's never happy with me" etc. "I wanted to smash that (distracting thing) into pieces." "I went and hid in the bathroom" (during when your SD and him got violent).

I expect to hear that kind of sentiment from a teen frustrated with their parents when they want attention and can't seem to get it. Not an adult parenting a teen. You aren't helpless here. You're the adult! Do you remember 16?

July 26, 2014

Why does your stepdaughter get forced to visit? You are contstanly complaining about her and your husband. It's crystal clear that you are very unhappy in the situation. Your husband sounds like he's never grown-up, and has no idea how to be a parent. Why would any 16 1/2 yo want to be put into that type of environment?

The poor girl must loathe having to spend time with you two!

It's probably in everyones best intrests that she stays away until things settle down.

My nearly 16yo son hasn't spent a single night with his dad for over 3 years. There was a showdown at his dad's much like you describe with police and yelling and screaming etc... our son walked from his dads place to mine (15km away) aged 12 1/2 and has refused to ever go back.

I do make him phone regularly to keep in touch and he does visit his paternal grandfather at least once a week.

Doe's your SD have contact with anyone else in your husbands family?

July 27, 2014

Well, this is a very sad set of circumstances indeed.

Who are the adults here?

It seems that the 16 yo learned how to argue and blowout from Dad and now he's getting the old pattern back at him.

Too much energy is going on in trying to reassert authority (control) instead of finding out what is going on for this young lady.

"Hey, I was thinking of getting another phone. What kind is that one? Can you show me how some of those apps work?"

A sixteen yo on a phone shouldn't be causing crap like this. Sixteen year olds have used phones incessantly, given attitude and pushed buttons since phones were invented.

Clearly the damn phone means a lot to her and you and your husband could have used it as an opportunity to connect instead of just trying to make it about how she needs to do what you want.

And seriously, he needs to get away from his daughter if she goes to punch. Not shove her. Wtf? Wtf parenting is that?

The only thing she is doing on that phone is texting. 24/7 constant texting and not letting the phone out of her sight. She doesn't have a conversation with us or interested in dong anything because that phone is her life. That cannot be tolerated! When he told her to get off the phone while she ate she rolled her eyes and shook her head. He told her again and she said no and that's when the crap hit the fan with her. Then not only is she dropping f bombs with her dad, but she calls her mom during all this (who she is supposed to adore) and her mom is yelling at her to calm down and SD goes to her "Amy (not mom, but Amy!) don't f******talk to me like that". So if that's how she is being allowed to talk to her mom no wonder she is this way!

July 27, 2014

Here's an idea: don't have her stay at your house. Clearly neither of you are equipped to deal with a teenager. I'd say you're both doing more harm than good.

Obviously she is never coming back after THAT! Cause ya know...she's getting a restraining order against her dad!

July 27, 2014

She feels abandoned...when did the split in her parents relationship happen? What were the circumstances of the breakdown? Was there an affair? Did he just walk out one day? Was there a period of time when he didn't see her?

Her parents were never married and they offically split up when she was 2. Her mother continually lied to him about everything and one day he came home and found the 2 year old in front of the tv and the mother in bed with another guy and that was that! She has cycled through several live in boyfriends and got married about 3 years ago but of course is now divorced and onto a new guy!

July 27, 2014

Why does your stepdaughter get forced to visit? You are contstanly complaining about her and your husband. It's crystal clear that you are very unhappy in the situation. Your husband sounds like he's never grown-up, and has no idea how to be a parent. Why would any 16 1/2 yo want to be put into that type of environment?
The poor girl must loathe having to spend time with you two!
It's probably in everyones best intrests that she stays away until things settle down.
My nearly 16yo son hasn't spent a single night with his dad for over 3 years. There was a showdown at his dad's much like you describe with police and yelling and screaming etc... our son walked from his dads place to mine (15km away) aged 12 1/2 and has refused to ever go back.
I do make him phone regularly to keep in touch and he does visit his paternal grandfather at least once a week.
Doe's your SD have contact with anyone else in your husbands family?

Yup hopefully she'll be able to stay away for a little over a year yet until she turns 18 and then she won't ever have to see us again! Fine by me! Sure as hell makes our lives less stressful!

July 27, 2014

Yup hopefully she'll be able to stay away for a little over a year yet until she turns 18 and then she won't ever have to see us again! Fine by me! Sure as hell makes our lives less stressful!

I know my nearly 16yo was very messed up by the lies his dad used to tell him and the threats and abuse and screaming. It nearly did my head in and I was ready to give up on him, but someone had to stick by him and let him know that he was cared for. So I got as many other people involved as I could, extended faimly, friends who related to him exceptionally well. I even had a local policeman at my house regularly to check in on him (as he had a nasty violent streak too.)

I also got him seen by Mental health services and our family doctor.

All the stress and worry has been well worth it. He's a changed boy, it's taken a long time to see the differences in him.

I'd say your SD is in a similar head space. She probably just needs lots of attention and listening to, the power of listening is seriously under-rated if a teen is trying to talk, you seriously need to encourage them to do so and never, ever make them feel silly or dumb about what they have to share with you.....otherwise they end up glued to their phone or computer or worse.

My boy has gone from scary teen to wanna be lawyer in training.

July 27, 2014

The only thing she is doing on that phone is texting. 24/7 constant texting and not letting the phone out of her sight. She doesn't have a conversation with us or interested in dong anything because that phone is her life. That cannot be tolerated! When he told her to get off the phone while she ate she rolled her eyes and shook her head. He told her again and she said no and that's when the crap hit the fan with her. Then not only is she dropping f bombs with her dad, but she calls her mom during all this (who she is supposed to adore) and her mom is yelling at her to calm down and SD goes to her "Amy (not mom, but Amy!) don't f******talk to me like that". So if that's how she is being allowed to talk to her mom no wonder she is this way!

Okay, so I wrote something really sarcastic and unempathetic.

It was some of my best work actually.

Then I realized it wasn't going to help at all. (Gawd, I must be getting old).

I am going to shoot straight here.

I don't care all that much what she did. Not because it isn't frustrating or whatever. I am sure that you are frustrated, angry and actually relieved.

Because truth is: you've been jealous as Hell of this girl for a long time. I've read your other threads. Almost all of them. She cut your husband out of her life for awhile and when she asks about simple things, she wasn't getting yelled at for things that you would have. You feel it's not fair. She gets expensive things bought for her, he tells you that you need "hipper jeans." He treats her like "Daddy's little girl" and you get to watch him check out other women online and make comments on their facebook profiles and try to hide it from you.

You are taking out your negative feelings out on this girl. And when your husband pushes her around, she ignores him because she knows it's crap. It's obvious. She's sick of his crap and has no problem walking away from it.

You do have a problem walking away from your contemptual relationship and you side with him bashing or being rude to his daughter because it's one less woman in the competition for his attention. So now he's down to 2,999,998 billion women that he's going to throw his attention to. And your conflict remains.

You both handle conflict poorly. That translates into handling parenting poorly. That means when you have a teen that rolls her eyes, drops F bombs, calls her mother by her first name, you guys can't handle it.

She threatens your authority. It's not important to you as to why she might be or how she's feeling because you KNOW that your husband can't handle having his authority or security threatened without exploding in some way. Even if it's about you tying your damn shoelace, which you had to do in front of people at one point because he demanded you do it.

This is how he treats people. With his plaid shirts and shorts combo he calls you out on your jeans. So when he aims his insecurity at someone else other than you, you connect with him by taking his side. Right or wrong. He's the authority and "why can't everyone else recognize it."

If you've got BIG problems happening with this girl, it's because you've got BIG problems listening to her, to the point where everything incubates until it explodes. The contempt that you have for the daughter of the man who is supposed to be your partner is, well, contemptible. But he's a pretty contemptible father and husband too.

You better tell him someone on the Internet is talking sh*t about him. He's going to have to jump up and give me Hell over it at some point.

Maybe it's about time as a "parenting" couple that you both grow the Hell up, stop judging her and show her some consideration instead of just throwing expensive crap at her. Quit taking you and your husband's crap out on her. I get that your mother rarely (if ever) considered your feelings and you lost your time to shine. Everyone deserves that time to shine and some of us never get it. But that doesn't mean her Dad can't love her better than your mother loved you. And it doesn't mean you can't step-parent her with kindness and patience and see that he's a jerk to her too, even if it's not as severe as it is to you. If she doesn't loathe you both in five years, it will be a miracle.

July 27, 2014

Maybe one of her parents could just put her first. For once. Before anyone else. Since - after all - she is their daughter and is SUPPOSED to be first.

No wonder she feels the way she does. My heart breaks for her, because no one is this family will ever put her first.

July 27, 2014

Because truth is: you've been jealous as Hell of this girl for a long time. I've read your other threads. Almost all of them. She cut your husband out of her life for awhile and when she asks about simple things, she wasn't getting yelled at for things that you would have. You feel it's not fair. She gets expensive things bought for her, he tells you that you need "hipper jeans." He treats her like "Daddy's little girl" and you get to watch him check out other women online and make comments on their facebook profiles and try to hide it from you.

You are taking out your negative feelings out on this girl. And when your husband pushes her around, she ignores him because she knows it's crap. It's obvious. She's sick of his crap and has no problem walking away from it.

You do have a problem walking away from your contemptual relationship and you side with him bashing or being rude to his daughter because it's one less woman in the competition for his attention. So now he's down to 2,999,998 billion women that he's going to throw his attention to.

I so agree with this. And it's not just you OP, but many stepmothers and stepfathers resent and compete with their stepchildren. It's why I think most parents should not seriously date or remarry while they have minor children. I couldn't help but feel as I read your post, that this gives you something to bond over with your husband - how horrible his daughter is - thus securing your place until the next time he checks out a woman or he makes up with his daughter. I really don't think you're helping their relationship at all, and probably you're sabotaging it. This is going to bite you in the butt. You're helping to create an angry, irresponsible, disconnected man who's going to find it easy to kick you to the curb too, once you help show him how to harden his heart to his own child.

July 27, 2014

Obviously she is never coming back after THAT! Cause ya know...she's getting a restraining order against her dad!

Well that would settled all the drama that happens around your household.

The anger and bitterness you've described over your threads would be enough to make me never want to visit.

Even so, your H is a grown man! He's capable of having a calm conversation with her - but no, he gets all upset and makes it worse. You are both acting like children.

To be honest - you two seem to be consistent in making it worse than it needs to be.

You don't like her - quit torturing her by bringing her to your home.

Your H can take her out for dinner a few times a week instead of bringing her into the home.

July 27, 2014

Yup hopefully she'll be able to stay away for a little over a year yet until she turns 18 and then she won't ever have to see us again! Fine by me! Sure as hell makes our lives less stressful!

Well there goes your chance to make a difference in one young person's life. It sounds like you and your husband deserve each other, in the most selfish kind of way.

July 27, 2014

This is heartbreaking!

The poor girl doesn't seem to get any love from anyone.

No wonder she hides in her phone and talks to her friends for company/support. I would do exactly the same if I had no choice but to visit people with the attitudes you two have.

My heart goes out to her.

July 27, 2014

Obviously she is never coming back after THAT! Cause ya know...she's getting a restraining order against her dad!

How would you know, hiding away in the bathroom?

Sign In

Screaming match between husband and 16 y/o stepdaughter, cops called, now she's gone!

Recommended Posts

Mapper71

Keenly

Mapper71

SoleMate

lollipopspot

BeingMe

Mapper71

dreamingoftigers

dreamingoftigers

Citizen Erased

BeingMe

dreamingoftigers

mrs rubble

Mapper71

Mapper71

Mapper71

Mapper71

mrs rubble

dreamingoftigers

Hope Shimmers

lollipopspot

2sunny

MidwestUSA

GemmaUK

Citizen Erased

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...