Addictions and Narcassism?

[Missy0724]

Hi, everyone. I am hoping I can get as much advice, thoughts, experiences re: narcissism and addictions, and if, how they tie together, characteristics, behaviors, etc.

 

I think my ex showed a lot of narcissistic characteristics, but I want to try to understand. This is for me, so I can perhaps find some compassion, acceptance, in order to move on in healthy way...

 

He is a recovering alcoholic, love/sex addict. So he said... I personally am torn on these "labels". I do believe in addictions and how once a person CHOOSES a behavior, they get hooked on the high, the feelings created by the release of dopamine, brain chemicals, etc. and repeating unhealthy behaviors changes brain chemistry. Hence so hard to quit! I get that. I just believe you first make that choice to start drinking, cheating, drugs, etc. There is some personal responsibility, no one holds a gun to your head... Or maybe I am so wrong, bc I am not an addictive personality...

 

Hence me looking for opinions about this.

 

I want to accept my exes behavior. I don't want to hate him for the lies, withholding, his uptight personality, all the things he did before we met, that now I feel a bit angry about, and at myself, bc I knew some of his history, and choose to get involved with this person any way.

 

But it's just now I'm questioning, was he, is he a narcissist?

 

Thank you!

[thekid36]

Hi, everyone. I am hoping I can get as much advice, thoughts, experiences re: narcissism and addictions, and if, how they tie together, characteristics, behaviors, etc.

 

I think my ex showed a lot of narcissistic characteristics, but I want to try to understand. This is for me, so I can perhaps find some compassion, acceptance, in order to move on in healthy way...

 

He is a recovering alcoholic, love/sex addict. So he said... I personally am torn on these "labels". I do believe in addictions and how once a person CHOOSES a behavior, they get hooked on the high, the feelings created by the release of dopamine, brain chemicals, etc. and repeating unhealthy behaviors changes brain chemistry. Hence so hard to quit! I get that. I just believe you first make that choice to start drinking, cheating, drugs, etc. There is some personal responsibility, no one holds a gun to your head... Or maybe I am so wrong, bc I am not an addictive personality...

 

Hence me looking for opinions about this.

 

I want to accept my exes behavior. I don't want to hate him for the lies, withholding, his uptight personality, all the things he did before we met, that now I feel a bit angry about, and at myself, bc I knew some of his history, and choose to get involved with this person any way.

 

But it's just now I'm questioning, was he, is he a narcissist?

 

Thank you!

 

 

Narcissism may be one of the most misunderstood psychological conditions out there. A condition that many more may suffer from than we may originally think. I will start my reply with general thoughts and then move on to your specific situation. Please realize that I am not a medical professional. Just a rather passionate lad who married an ex with bipolar disorder and has sort of experienced lots the past forty years!

 

 

First, I think that addictions can be rather alluring. Hard to stop something once you start. Perhaps many people use them as a quick fix. Not always easy to deal with the stress of everyday life. This is why so many secure such vivacious and vivid vices. Ones that are usually not healhty at all. Not to mention the effect they have on others around us.

 

 

I do think that it is a choice to not control your addiction. If something or someone is important enough to you, it will at least get you to try looking for help. Even though the addiction will not go away overnight. There always needs to be a start. Most people must be conscious of what they are doing. Life is all about priorities.

 

 

Sometimes what will lead to a change is a drastic experience. For an alcoholic, it could be a car crash for example. The trauma wakes that person up from the fog which has for so long surrounded them.

 

 

There does seem to be a possible proactive and positive relationship in between narcissism and addiction. Addiction can be seem as sort of selfish. Especially to those who have people regularly around them. The actions of an addict affect others outside his/her own self. Many times, the person in question does not recognize this. Or, it is simply not acknowledged. This is why it tends to cause so much hurt when one has to watch a loved one go through something which is so debilitating and non-productive. Addictions can hurt others and they can also be rather consuming.

 

 

Your ex only thought of his own self to the extreme. He definitely has a problem within his relationships. This man seems to suffer from a lack of empathy. He is also not in touch with what is real. These are all possible signs of narcissism. No matter whether he is ever diagnosed as narcassistic or not, he did not treat you right. He has major issues within himself and none of them are your responsibility. The change going forward would have to come from his own self.

[Missy0724]

Yes, all correct!

 

This has helped immensely! It's like journaling and helps in my healing process!

 

I know it's for the best. I know he did care, in his way. I now see him for who he is, his personality. It doesn't matter if he cared. Love is never enough. He had too much baggage, too codependent, very dysfunctional family. I didn't like the way they interacted and lived their lives. A lot of money and codependency, his ex in his life way too much, using his family for money, needs, etc. Too comfy cozy for me, sorry! :-) But hey, everyone is different. Just too bizarre for me.

 

He wanted to go right to friends four days after break up. Who can do that? That told me all I needed to know... well, I tried and found out, nope, he's not my friend now. Me sad, struggling with break up, dad sick, a bit overwhelmed! In in our last conversation, he all happy and excited, bragging about all the great, fun things he did over weekend, and now has a date. And all he says, "I'm sorry...". OK, fine. Go on with your life. Have fun! But without me...

 

Doesn't work for me. I'm sure he's suffering, bc he doesn't have a lot of friends, due to his issues, intimacy issues. Well, those are HIS issues, not mine anymore. I can't fix him. Silly for me to have tried. Who needs a "project"? I know I was a GREAT friend, did my best. I loved him in a healthy way, or was trying my best. Not perfectly, but that is bc he wouldn't let me in, too many mixed messages, too much crap with ex, at the end of the day, I felt it in the air, always that heaviness, things bothering him... He struggling too much with himself. Yes, sad, because he does have a lot of great qualities, we had a lot in common! A great companion as far as doing things together. That I will miss...

 

Yes, love is a drug in many ways, and an addiction in itself. But I CHOOSE to remove the drug, in order to heal and move forward. I'm proud that I am able to do that, yes. It is the right thing to do, for both of us. Sucks, but live and learn...better choices moving forward! It's all part of the journey. And everything happens for a reason. I've always believed that.

 

It's just as they say, Love is blind. Oh so very blind! And each time, each relationship, we get a little closer to finding out what we want, don't want, what works for us, what doesn't. Know I know...And that is all that matters!

[thekid36]

Yes, all correct!

 

This has helped immensely! It's like journaling and helps in my healing process!

 

I know it's for the best. I know he did care, in his way. I now see him for who he is, his personality. It doesn't matter if he cared. Love is never enough. He had too much baggage, too codependent, very dysfunctional family. I didn't like the way they interacted and lived their lives. A lot of money and codependency, his ex in his life way too much, using his family for money, needs, etc. Too comfy cozy for me, sorry! :-) But hey, everyone is different. Just too bizarre for me.

 

He wanted to go right to friends four days after break up. Who can do that? That told me all I needed to know... well, I tried and found out, nope, he's not my friend now. Me sad, struggling with break up, dad sick, a bit overwhelmed! In in our last conversation, he all happy and excited, bragging about all the great, fun things he did over weekend, and now has a date. And all he says, "I'm sorry...". OK, fine. Go on with your life. Have fun! But without me...

 

Doesn't work for me. I'm sure he's suffering, bc he doesn't have a lot of friends, due to his issues, intimacy issues. Well, those are HIS issues, not mine anymore. I can't fix him. Silly for me to have tried. Who needs a "project"? I know I was a GREAT friend, did my best. I loved him in a healthy way, or was trying my best. Not perfectly, but that is bc he wouldn't let me in, too many mixed messages, too much crap with ex, at the end of the day, I felt it in the air, always that heaviness, things bothering him... He struggling too much with himself. Yes, sad, because he does have a lot of great qualities, we had a lot in common! A great companion as far as doing things together. That I will miss...

 

Yes, love is a drug in many ways, and an addiction in itself. But I CHOOSE to remove the drug, in order to heal and move forward. I'm proud that I am able to do that, yes. It is the right thing to do, for both of us. Sucks, but live and learn...better choices moving forward! It's all part of the journey. And everything happens for a reason. I've always believed that.

 

It's just as they say, Love is blind. Oh so very blind! And each time, each relationship, we get a little closer to finding out what we want, don't want, what works for us, what doesn't. Know I know...And that is all that matters!

 

It is your thought process which makes your differences definitively correct! He was sort of comfortable while with you most likely. Being in contact with his ex while having you at the same time made it that way. Comfort is not always the correct way to go. Happiness has to go both ways. You are much better off with all the daily drama.

 

 

His desires do not matter any longer because you are no longer even together. He is a selfish soul who is not capable of being in any kind of healthy relationship right now. All of his actions do not even warrant your friendship. A friend would actually care about the other person and not only be focused on his/her own life. I care about you and hope all of this works out. Even though the two of us barely know one another. That says a lot in itself perhaps. Not because I am all that! Because, he has known you for so long and cannot even acknowledge anything that has to do with your life.

 

 

I know that you are feeling sort of overwhelmed. I also realize you did have things in common and thus had happy times. It's just that the negative seems to outweigh any of the positive. Having him in your life at all right now is only going to prove to provide you with more stress. Which is most likely the last thing that you need.

 

 

You have a lot of strength to be able to cut ties with him. Realize that this is something you definitely should be proud of. Some others in your situation would settle and stay because of the comfort and familarity. You are above settling. Anyone who comes across your threads will realize that. You seem like an intelligent, kind, and passionate woman who knows exactly what she wants. One who has a lot to offer. Which makes you deserve that extraordinary I continue to speak of. You do not need a man at all. Someone special is bound to cross paths with you when it is least expected.

 

 

Writing can prove to be incredibly therapeutic in so many ways. Glad that some of this has helped. Your last paragraph sounds like my life story. Each experience truly does bring us closer. When the right one comes along, we can appreciate that person even more because of the journey that you speak of.

[Missy0724]

Yes! All great words of wisdom! Yes, I learned a lot about him, and myself. That is what time in a relationship does. Once you get past that high schoolish, honeymoon phase, you find out what a persons true intentions and feelings are. And hard lessons... But that's reality and how it works! And hopefully us healthy, wise folks continue to grow and learn...

 

What turned the tables for me was four days after break up, he wanted to be friends, in his words, "now that the romantic piece is removed." Well, it wasn't gone for me! Not after four days!!! Who can do that??? Very hurtful in that emotional moment. But I have it a shot. I had a few very stressful things thrown on my plate: ex husband got remarried, father sick, son getting ready to leave, off to college. Nothing major (Except dad sick) but when you throw a breakup on top of everything, I was a mess. Felt very overwhelmed! So I turned to ex BF... prob a mistake in retrospect, but maybe not - bc I got the hard answers from him, I needed!

 

I very stressed and sad and sharing with him. I'm sure he said, "I'm sorry". But then the conversations, two separate ones, were ALL about him! What a fun weekend he had, all the fun things he did, went out, etc. also that he had a date. His voice happy and excited. In a way I was happy for him, and I also understood what he was trying to do...show me how busy he is, ok after breakup, to prove he strong? Who knows...

 

Just hurtful that he going on and on about himself, when I just found out my dad prob has cancer, and prob dying! That def pushed me right out of the "friend" zone with him...

 

That was our last conversation. He had reaching out before, now nothing. Interesting, huh? Major personal thing for me...and he's my friend? That's not like any friend I've ever had. So yes, he lost his privilege of friendship with me. I'm not perfect, but I know I was a damn good friend. Maybe too much so, gave too much of myself to him. He doesn't have a lot of friends, deep friendships. Another red flag... So yes, I know this is hurting him. Oh well, I need to take care of ME. And he didn't make me feel like he truly cared...he too busy playing games, trying to be my friend. But it was more about him...as usual. Too selfish, yes. I do hope he learns something. But not my job. I can only fix and learn myself. Or two people do together, in healthy ways, teamwork! We didn't have that. :-( Very sad, bc he was a great companion! He just wasn't at same maturity level as me, same point in healing post divorce, a "live in the past", obsessive, addictive person. Too much drama, codependency in his family, money, ex who uses his family for money, everyone too intertwined together in his family. Nothing I think is healthy. But everyone different. Just would never work for me. Sadly, I never felt like a true priority. Not healthy at all, no.

 

I got caught up in his drama. It made me unhappy, bring drama, too, gas lighting, my own self doubt! So wrong! I'm a very strong, independent woman! It's amazing how certain people can drag you down for awhile. Then you come up for air, see reality clearly! Thank god!

 

Yes, someday hopefully I will have a truly exclusive relationship. I know what healthy love is, I've had it a few times with men, and also have it in my relationships with friends and family today. For that I'm blessed! Yes, he could have joined me, been part. Few times I asked him to hang with family, kids, he said, no. Always on his terms... Live and learn!

[Missy0724]

And THANK YOU, kid! ;-) For the kind, supportive words, and compliments. Appreciated! Yes, all this reading (ready few good books, also daily meditations) and writing really helps the healing process! I know some people on different journey, and have compassion. I do wish him well, as I loved him. And still care...

 

I wish everyone understood that love is a lot like any other addiction. There is physical and emotional withdrawal and pain, post break up. That is why NC so important. Cannot begin to heal and think clearly until that "drug" is removed, not "taken" any more. Have to rewire the brain, rest the brain, change the chemical make up of the brain. But it's up to US to do that, our choices, our change in behavior! Pretty simple actually. But so hard to do! I've been thru it a few times with personal relationships, have had a lot of loss in my life. What doesn't kill you, does make you stronger! :-)

 

Thanks again for your time! You have helped more than you know! Bless you!

 

M

[thekid36]

Yes! All great words of wisdom! Yes, I learned a lot about him, and myself. That is what time in a relationship does. Once you get past that high schoolish, honeymoon phase, you find out what a persons true intentions and feelings are. And hard lessons... But that's reality and how it works! And hopefully us healthy, wise folks continue to grow and learn...

 

What turned the tables for me was four days after break up, he wanted to be friends, in his words, "now that the romantic piece is removed." Well, it wasn't gone for me! Not after four days!!! Who can do that??? Very hurtful in that emotional moment. But I have it a shot. I had a few very stressful things thrown on my plate: ex husband got remarried, father sick, son getting ready to leave, off to college. Nothing major (Except dad sick) but when you throw a breakup on top of everything, I was a mess. Felt very overwhelmed! So I turned to ex BF... prob a mistake in retrospect, but maybe not - bc I got the hard answers from him, I needed!

 

I very stressed and sad and sharing with him. I'm sure he said, "I'm sorry". But then the conversations, two separate ones, were ALL about him! What a fun weekend he had, all the fun things he did, went out, etc. also that he had a date. His voice happy and excited. In a way I was happy for him, and I also understood what he was trying to do...show me how busy he is, ok after breakup, to prove he strong? Who knows...

 

Just hurtful that he going on and on about himself, when I just found out my dad prob has cancer, and prob dying! That def pushed me right out of the "friend" zone with him...

 

That was our last conversation. He had reaching out before, now nothing. Interesting, huh? Major personal thing for me...and he's my friend? That's not like any friend I've ever had. So yes, he lost his privilege of friendship with me. I'm not perfect, but I know I was a damn good friend. Maybe too much so, gave too much of myself to him. He doesn't have a lot of friends, deep friendships. Another red flag... So yes, I know this is hurting him. Oh well, I need to take care of ME. And he didn't make me feel like he truly cared...he too busy playing games, trying to be my friend. But it was more about him...as usual. Too selfish, yes. I do hope he learns something. But not my job. I can only fix and learn myself. Or two people do together, in healthy ways, teamwork! We didn't have that. :-( Very sad, bc he was a great companion! He just wasn't at same maturity level as me, same point in healing post divorce, a "live in the past", obsessive, addictive person. Too much drama, codependency in his family, money, ex who uses his family for money, everyone too intertwined together in his family. Nothing I think is healthy. But everyone different. Just would never work for me. Sadly, I never felt like a true priority. Not healthy at all, no.

 

I got caught up in his drama. It made me unhappy, bring drama, too, gas lighting, my own self doubt! So wrong! I'm a very strong, independent woman! It's amazing how certain people can drag you down for awhile. Then you come up for air, see reality clearly! Thank god!

 

Yes, someday hopefully I will have a truly exclusive relationship. I know what healthy love is, I've had it a few times with men, and also have it in my relationships with friends and family today. For that I'm blessed! Yes, he could have joined me, been part. Few times I asked him to hang with family, kids, he said, no. Always on his terms... Live and learn!

 

 

Not sure about words of wisdom but perhaps precepts to ponder! You are so right about learning. This is one of the benefits of our relationships which do not work. Life is one continuous learning experience. If we do not go out and get it, then chances are life will find us. Just like in the short play I just read by Robert Frost called "A Way Out". Definitely a read I would recommend! One of the most profound and passionate reads out there and only a few pages to get through.

 

 

He wanted to dictate the relationship in all ways because of his rather narcisstic qualities. Just that you cannot have your cake and eat it too. As he has found out the hard way! You have made this totally clear to him going forward. Whether or not he chooses to open his eyes is up to him. The best move you have made is to not allow him to hold you back any longer. He cannot understand your emotions or anything you are going through right now. He's simply not capable of thinking outside of his own self. Which is what being in a relationship is all about. Included in this is friendship. I will keep your dad in my thoughts. Any new news as to how he is?

 

 

Teamwork is so important within a relationship. Not that you should change the person you are with. It is always important to have your own thing going on. Just that there also needs to be that equal partnership if it is going to work out. The terms simply need to be shared. That cannot ever happen with a selfish person who can't get over his past. No matter how much he may care abour you. Nor how much fun you may have had.

[thekid36]

You are more than welcome, Missy! I have just been trying to give my own opinions is all. The compliments are all well deserved. You can always care about him. Just was not the right fit for you on a romantic and intimate level.

 

 

I like the fact that you compare love to an addiction. Sometimes, it is a healthy one. Other times, it is the exact opposite. We also tend to make what is so simple the most complicated. Kudos to you for having the strength and security to shy away from such a severely unhealthy relationship! Even as much as he meant to you.

 

 

Please keep us all up to date on how you continue to cope with this. I hope to see you around the boards soon and sincerely like to wish you all the best!

[Missy0724]

I will take all the opinions, advice, I can get! It really is so helpful. As is reading about other's stories. Relationships are really the main thing in our lives that cause us so many emotions: happiness, stress, worry, euphoria, so many feelings! We are all human beings, and we all have to support each other! It's a very good thing to connect...

 

I enjoy reading and giving opinions, advice, as well. I'm in my mid 40's and have been thru some stuff, many relationships. This was my first experience with this type of person. And that's ok. He had many amazing qualities. He is just at a very different time line in his healing, his journey, than me.

 

I think that's what it comes down to, in many ways. Finding that person who is where you "are" in life, wants the same things, can move forward and grow together. It's NEVER going to be perfect! Not when we are feeling, thinking, emotional human beings! And we all have our interpretations of things, too. We have our our understanding, own perspective. We are all naturally a bit selfish. So that leads to SO MUCH misunderstanding. Which leads into miscommunication. It's tough... So it goes...

 

But yes, moving forward. Keeping busy with my life, and all I can do is have that faith that when the timing is right, that person will cross my path. And I'm sitting around waiting or sulking. I will continue to meet new people, do new things, get out in this beautiful world. Life is precious!

 

Sometimes we get SO caught up in our own crap, we forget to take it down to an organic level. I was able to wake up this morning. I was able to stand up, get out of bed, and walk. I have a roof over my head, food on my table, amazing sons, friends, family, my health, ability to move, be active, enjoy life! So people cannot. I am remembering that tonight and giving thanks.

 

And also for the time I did spend with this person. I have some amazing memories, in spite of all I've said. He did give me a lot, and share a lot of life with me for 9 months. I'm glad we met and what I've learned from it.

 

It sucks - bc we had everything else! But his life choices, struggles with his past, focusing on that, vs US and the future... just too much drama and work.

It shouldn't be that much work... I will always care for him. Just from a distance now. Keep him in my heart. And that is OK. Maybe some day we can be friends. I don't know. And right now, I don't care. Other things to focus on.

 

Whatever is meant to be, will be. It's a waste of precious energy worrying about tomorrow. Live in the NOW. Hard to do all the time, but I'm working on it. Good goal...

 

Yes, I'll be around here! It's all good...

[thekid36]

I will take all the opinions, advice, I can get! It really is so helpful. As is reading about other's stories. Relationships are really the main thing in our lives that cause us so many emotions: happiness, stress, worry, euphoria, so many feelings! We are all human beings, and we all have to support each other! It's a very good thing to connect...

 

I enjoy reading and giving opinions, advice, as well. I'm in my mid 40's and have been thru some stuff, many relationships. This was my first experience with this type of person. And that's ok. He had many amazing qualities. He is just at a very different time line in his healing, his journey, than me.

 

I think that's what it comes down to, in many ways. Finding that person who is where you "are" in life, wants the same things, can move forward and grow together. It's NEVER going to be perfect! Not when we are feeling, thinking, emotional human beings! And we all have our interpretations of things, too. We have our our understanding, own perspective. We are all naturally a bit selfish. So that leads to SO MUCH misunderstanding. Which leads into miscommunication. It's tough... So it goes...

 

But yes, moving forward. Keeping busy with my life, and all I can do is have that faith that when the timing is right, that person will cross my path. And I'm sitting around waiting or sulking. I will continue to meet new people, do new things, get out in this beautiful world. Life is precious!

 

Sometimes we get SO caught up in our own crap, we forget to take it down to an organic level. I was able to wake up this morning. I was able to stand up, get out of bed, and walk. I have a roof over my head, food on my table, amazing sons, friends, family, my health, ability to move, be active, enjoy life! So people cannot. I am remembering that tonight and giving thanks.

 

And also for the time I did spend with this person. I have some amazing memories, in spite of all I've said. He did give me a lot, and share a lot of life with me for 9 months. I'm glad we met and what I've learned from it.

 

It sucks - bc we had everything else! But his life choices, struggles with his past, focusing on that, vs US and the future... just too much drama and work.

It shouldn't be that much work... I will always care for him. Just from a distance now. Keep him in my heart. And that is OK. Maybe some day we can be friends. I don't know. And right now, I don't care. Other things to focus on.

 

Whatever is meant to be, will be. It's a waste of precious energy worrying about tomorrow. Live in the NOW. Hard to do all the time, but I'm working on it. Good goal...

 

Yes, I'll be around here! It's all good...

 

 

Opinions are definitely important within our journeys. We still need to make our own choices at the end of the road. Change has to come from within. No one owes anyone anything. These are tidbits I have learned along the way.

 

 

You mention an interesting word with growing. Your ex is at a stagnant point in life. Just as my biploar ex was as well. You are at a more dynamic one as you continue to experience each and every day. Learning about life as you go along and adapting to specific situations as they arise. No chance of ever moving forward with one only can look backward.

 

 

No relationship is ever going to be totally perfect. Those who feel it is possible are really only fooling their own selves. There still has to be certain general things such as: commitment, intimacy, and trust. These are those things which help you as a couple get through the turmoils which come our way. Without them, no connection has any real chance to flourish.

 

 

There is definitely some right for you to be caught up in your own crap at this point because there has been a life changing event recently. Ones that you do not necessarily experience every day. It is important that you continue to not beat yourself up too much. You were under the mesmerizing spell of manipulation. That is what this was. Whether he meant it to be that way or if not. It is not our intent which matters as much as the way another person interprets what we say and do.

 

 

It is great that you can still look outside of yourself even at this challenging time. Another sign that you would be a special partner going forward. Should you actually choose to get into another relationship. I try to find things to be thankful for every day. It is the little things which mean the most to me. Also, I try to be a little more observant as well. I tend to appreciate things that come to me even more now because of all the crap in my past. Perhaps this same possibilty will comfort you in the days to come.

[Missy0724]

Yes, I know I have a right to my feelings of being overwhelmed...I got hit with a few things, all at the same time. I fell apart. I called my ex, when I should have turned to a friend. But he was my best friend and we'd only been broken up for a few weeks. I'd been turning to him for 9 months - yes, habits hard to break. :-) Even ones that are unhealthy for us...Hence the "love is a drug" reference...

 

And it wasn't all horrible. If you take out his addictive personality, his love addiction to ex-wife, his struggle to stay sober from other addictions, his lack of boundaries with her and inability to move forward with me - all was great!

lol

 

He didn't see a future with me - plain and simple. I know it's useless and a waste of my precious energy and time trying to go back - "he said, she said" routine. I don't want to do that, be that kind of person any more. Again, hard habits hard to break...

 

All I know is that in spite of loving him, caring for him, wondering how he is doing, part of me actually doesn't want to know...bc of things he said, how the signs showed (no actual proof) that he was already looking around before we broke up, he was happy and excited soon after we broke up, all set with moving on, ready to be just friends, no genuine remorse about breaking my heart! He acted like it was no big deal. Was surprised I was so upset! ??? Not any behavior I'm used to.

 

But maybe that is how he deals. That's what addicts do. Stuff the pain, move on to the next "fix". I get it... So sad. I was not enough for him, or I was too "normal" for him, or had my **** together, questioned him about ex, had boundaries (nothing he used to), I got upset knowing he still had feelings for ex. He didn't like when I got upset and we had few heated arguments. Well, me being heated, I'll admit that! OK, thanks for the understanding and compassion! Wonder if I did that to him? I wonder how he would have felt?

But once again - found out - lack of empathy.

 

Lack of empathy when I recently got very emotional, had a break down bc found out father very sick, my best GF also sick, my ex got remarried, we had just broken up, some stuff with my kids, etc. Just TOO MUCH! And he happy and excited on our last phone call, knowing all of this! Because he has a date! Because he had a great, fun weekend and went on and on about it to me. Because now we're "friends". Sorry, not the way my friendships work. He doesn't have any real, deep friendships, so he wouldn't know how a genuine, two way friendship works. Yes, happy to find that out now.

 

My friends and I stand by each other thru the good times, and the bad! I was in the worse place I've been in, in about three years, since my divorce. And he just blew it off. Because he too wrapped up in his own stuff. Or too busy trying to "prove" to me he's OK and moving on. Well, good for him. Message received loud and clear. Thanks for being a friend after all!

 

I know I'm going to have my moments of going back and forth. A good day of acceptance for the most part. But moments of anger when I think back on things. I'm trying not to. But it happens. It's only been a little over a month. I think I'm doing fairly well. I even had coffee with a man today. Just to get out and meet people. No pressure. Was totally upfront with him, not looking for a relationship, just got out of one, still dealing...He in same boat. If he gets in touch with me again, great. If not, could care less. I like to take time between dating people. Process, deal, etc. Rebounds are SO SO bad and not good for anyone. I've done that in the past and disaster!

 

I know my ex is probably going to repeat history and do just that. Poor woman. Unless he's really learned and changed. But I seriously doubt that. He is pretty needy and like I said, doesn't have other friends. His marriage defined him, I think. Not a good thing... So now he's got my memory to process (or maybe he's already over it, bc he never really loved me!) and his ex wife. Oh goodie! Smart guy, going right to dating after our breakup... It's too bad he can't be alone, continue to work on himself, spend time with his young children. But we know how that goes - he can do it all! He is the master of his universe! Feel badly for his kids. I do hope he just dates to have fun, and doesn't introduce another woman into their lives. They just met me about two months ago! Crazy... But his choice. Good luck to them!

[thekid36]

Yes, I know I have a right to my feelings of being overwhelmed...I got hit with a few things, all at the same time. I fell apart. I called my ex, when I should have turned to a friend. But he was my best friend and we'd only been broken up for a few weeks. I'd been turning to him for 9 months - yes, habits hard to break. :-) Even ones that are unhealthy for us...Hence the "love is a drug" reference...

 

And it wasn't all horrible. If you take out his addictive personality, his love addiction to ex-wife, his struggle to stay sober from other addictions, his lack of boundaries with her and inability to move forward with me - all was great!

lol

 

He didn't see a future with me - plain and simple. I know it's useless and a waste of my precious energy and time trying to go back - "he said, she said" routine. I don't want to do that, be that kind of person any more. Again, hard habits hard to break...

 

All I know is that in spite of loving him, caring for him, wondering how he is doing, part of me actually doesn't want to know...bc of things he said, how the signs showed (no actual proof) that he was already looking around before we broke up, he was happy and excited soon after we broke up, all set with moving on, ready to be just friends, no genuine remorse about breaking my heart! He acted like it was no big deal. Was surprised I was so upset! ??? Not any behavior I'm used to.

 

But maybe that is how he deals. That's what addicts do. Stuff the pain, move on to the next "fix". I get it... So sad. I was not enough for him, or I was too "normal" for him, or had my **** together, questioned him about ex, had boundaries (nothing he used to), I got upset knowing he still had feelings for ex. He didn't like when I got upset and we had few heated arguments. Well, me being heated, I'll admit that! OK, thanks for the understanding and compassion! Wonder if I did that to him? I wonder how he would have felt?

But once again - found out - lack of empathy.

 

Lack of empathy when I recently got very emotional, had a break down bc found out father very sick, my best GF also sick, my ex got remarried, we had just broken up, some stuff with my kids, etc. Just TOO MUCH! And he happy and excited on our last phone call, knowing all of this! Because he has a date! Because he had a great, fun weekend and went on and on about it to me. Because now we're "friends". Sorry, not the way my friendships work. He doesn't have any real, deep friendships, so he wouldn't know how a genuine, two way friendship works. Yes, happy to find that out now.

 

My friends and I stand by each other thru the good times, and the bad! I was in the worse place I've been in, in about three years, since my divorce. And he just blew it off. Because he too wrapped up in his own stuff. Or too busy trying to "prove" to me he's OK and moving on. Well, good for him. Message received loud and clear. Thanks for being a friend after all!

 

I know I'm going to have my moments of going back and forth. A good day of acceptance for the most part. But moments of anger when I think back on things. I'm trying not to. But it happens. It's only been a little over a month. I think I'm doing fairly well. I even had coffee with a man today. Just to get out and meet people. No pressure. Was totally upfront with him, not looking for a relationship, just got out of one, still dealing...He in same boat. If he gets in touch with me again, great. If not, could care less. I like to take time between dating people. Process, deal, etc. Rebounds are SO SO bad and not good for anyone. I've done that in the past and disaster!

 

I know my ex is probably going to repeat history and do just that. Poor woman. Unless he's really learned and changed. But I seriously doubt that. He is pretty needy and like I said, doesn't have other friends. His marriage defined him, I think. Not a good thing... So now he's got my memory to process (or maybe he's already over it, bc he never really loved me!) and his ex wife. Oh goodie! Smart guy, going right to dating after our breakup... It's too bad he can't be alone, continue to work on himself, spend time with his young children. But we know how that goes - he can do it all! He is the master of his universe! Feel badly for his kids. I do hope he just dates to have fun, and doesn't introduce another woman into their lives. They just met me about two months ago! Crazy... But his choice. Good luck to them!

 

The positive part here is that you looked at a signigicant other as a best friend. So may of us get caught up in the romance and lust that we tend to not think about anything else. This being the first mistake I made within my own journey. I was with women who were not really my best friend for so long. Women who took advantage of me in many ways. Live and learn as we both know. Not to diminish other friends one has. All of our friends are important. It's just that you spemd so much time with a significant other. Thus, that person should basically be one of your best friends.

 

 

So, it makes sense that it has basically been a colossal challenge for you breaking all ties with this man. Since you were great friends first and perhaps above all else. It is just that any contact with him at this point will not really serve as positive for you. Not easy to go from everything to nothing in such a short period of time. This is where you need to continue finding that inner strength within yourself. While leaning on other friends for support. As well as perhaps a few crazy souls from Love Shack. The key here is that he has not even been acting like a friend. Let alone all of the intimacy issues between you. You are definitely on the right track.

 

 

Your reasoning continues to be rational. He was not necessarily capable of seeing a future with you as a result of not being over much of his past. This is what makes it all sort of sad. Because, you really did have things in common and have fun with one another. He just is incapable of giving out what you want and deserve. This is what makes you have to move on. Not that he is a horrible person or that you have to ever stop caring.

 

 

It took me so long to gather the strength to realize this. Which is why I stayed with my ex much longer than what should have been. I don't like to give up on things. I finally got to the point in which realization was that my main desire is to be happy. There was no chance of that happening within the negative environment I was surrounded by. I will always care about my ex. That will never actually go away. Breaking away from her was the only way we could both move forward. Not only could she not give me all of her. I also could not really give her all of me. Thus, there was just no future for us. This may sort of relate to your situation as well.

 

 

All of what you mention in relation to the break up continues to point to signs of a seriously narcisstic soul. It all is in relation to what is going on with his end. No empathy for what you are going through on that one. He was ready to move on and be friends and took not a moment to think of you. His actions after the break up should only continue to confirm what you already know. He is just not capable right now of seeing outside his own self. He is the one holding his own self back. What you say about addicts is most likely true. On from one fix to another. The addiction is definitely like a drug.

 

 

It makes total to me that you would be upset about his acute inability to let go of the ex. That would absolutely bother me as well. I am not sure if he purposely tried to be rude in relation to it. Or, in relation to any of this really. Yet, that does not change the fact he was not actually addressing your feelings. No matter who was right or wrong in each situation. The key is that the differences you had were just never going to work. It is not just the ex that would have been an issue going forward. It is his entire inability to see outside of the self. It goes against all that a healthy and happy relationship should be about.

 

 

Let each of your emotions and feelings run it's course. It is totally normal that they may be different every moment. I grew up around nothing but anger. That is not healthy at all. Yet, a little bit of it is perhaps not the worst thing. If it is warranted and does not hurt anyone else. You have a right to be angry because of losing so much time. Also, you have a right to be angry because of the way he treated you. Trying to hold your anger or frustration within will only lead to more later on.

 

 

I am thrilled that you were able to have a cup of coffee with someone today! This is part of the moving on phase. More than anything, I like how you are not really putting pressure into any of it. Nothing favorable usually comes of what is forced. Just the contact and conversation with another man cannot help but be healing. No matter what comes of this meeting with that specific man.

 

 

You continue to have a lot to offer the right person, Missy. A needy man does not necessarily seem to fit into what you are ultimately looking for. It is basically like having another child. You definitely do not strike me as a needy woman. It is important to keep in mind that you do not need a man. What you seem to want is an equal partner who will enrich your life in every way. When that enriching is equal, that is when you will have found the right partner. It may even come into your life when you least expect! Until then, may you continue to heal a little more each day. Taking the time to enjoy who and what means the most to you. While leaning on those who care completely and unconditionally.

[Missy0724]

Wow, you actually moved me to tears here today!

 

Thank you for taking time to read my story and journey...your response are just what I need to hear, and you definitely understand what I'm going thru, my experience, feelings, this person.

 

Yes, I've never been so close to a man, as far as friendship, feeling so comfortable, opening up, being vulnerable, showing so much of myself to him. But like you with your ex, not completely. God, I wanted to! I was ready to! But the moment I felt him holding back, finding out he not into me and "us", our relationship 100%, didn't see a future with me - naturally I pulled back and kind of let him take the lead. Part of me didnt want to pressure him or have expectations, but part of me did! Because we both in our 40s, we were 6-8 months into an exclusive relationship. I was hearing I love you every day. But got to point, the actions were not backing that up, in my opinion. It's how a person makes you FEEL.

 

I felt tension, I felt something wrong, things changing, him becoming distant, forgetful, so much on his mind. At first I questioned myself! Am I being needy? I want to see this man I love, my best friend! I want to talk about summer plans! Get excited, what kinds of fun things we going to do? Hang out more with his kids! He meet more of my family! I brought it up, but those conversations never happened. I saw lots of red flags.

 

I take responsibility for not walking the minute I felt things changing. And for not communicating better, asking for more answers. Again, double edge sword. Wanted to give him his space, alone time. Busy guy, runs own business, has kids 50% of time, working his recovery program. I wanted to be part of his life, while being respectful of his time, too! But for first months dating, he DID seem to have time for me! So of course when our time together became less, I concerned. I believe quality time together important. And in beginning, he had agreed! We had agreed on so much!

 

So yes, I feel "cheated", mislead... But I also understand people's feelings change, circumstances change, in time people discover what they thought they wanted, they don't.

 

He didn't want me. And I will never go where I'm not wanted.

 

Yes, I'll always love and care for him. Just from a distance now. Best for both of us. He deserves happiness too.

[thekid36]

Wow, you actually moved me to tears here today!

 

Thank you for taking time to read my story and journey...your response are just what I need to hear, and you definitely understand what I'm going thru, my experience, feelings, this person.

 

Yes, I've never been so close to a man, as far as friendship, feeling so comfortable, opening up, being vulnerable, showing so much of myself to him. But like you with your ex, not completely. God, I wanted to! I was ready to! But the moment I felt him holding back, finding out he not into me and "us", our relationship 100%, didn't see a future with me - naturally I pulled back and kind of let him take the lead. Part of me didnt want to pressure him or have expectations, but part of me did! Because we both in our 40s, we were 6-8 months into an exclusive relationship. I was hearing I love you every day. But got to point, the actions were not backing that up, in my opinion. It's how a person makes you FEEL.

 

I felt tension, I felt something wrong, things changing, him becoming distant, forgetful, so much on his mind. At first I questioned myself! Am I being needy? I want to see this man I love, my best friend! I want to talk about summer plans! Get excited, what kinds of fun things we going to do? Hang out more with his kids! He meet more of my family! I brought it up, but those conversations never happened. I saw lots of red flags.

 

I take responsibility for not walking the minute I felt things changing. And for not communicating better, asking for more answers. Again, double edge sword. Wanted to give him his space, alone time. Busy guy, runs own business, has kids 50% of time, working his recovery program. I wanted to be part of his life, while being respectful of his time, too! But for first months dating, he DID seem to have time for me! So of course when our time together became less, I concerned. I believe quality time together important. And in beginning, he had agreed! We had agreed on so much!

 

So yes, I feel "cheated", mislead... But I also understand people's feelings change, circumstances change, in time people discover what they thought they wanted, they don't.

 

He didn't want me. And I will never go where I'm not wanted.

 

Yes, I'll always love and care for him. Just from a distance now. Best for both of us. He deserves happiness too.

 

 

Hopefully, they are not tears of sadness! If any of my rambling has made sense, that truly makes me smile. You deserve someone to give honest and unconditional advice. That is all I have been trying to do. I see some of my past relationships within your experiences. Just as I see some of my childhood within another poster. Part of being human means taking care of one another.

 

 

You are so right about actions. Someone can say what we want to hear until the cows start to come home. At the end of the day, words without backup are completely empty. I personally think that love is one of the most misused and abused words out there. Then again, perhaps he did/does love you and is simply incapable of showing it the right way. The way that you deserve to feel it each and every day. As a result of all we have already addressed.

 

 

All of your actions when things started to change make sense. You were simply trying to give him some space. That is just being incredibly respectful of your partner. It is so easy to look back on things once a moment has passed. Normal to question our own actions or even lack of them. Especially, for us sensitive souls who tend to be hardest on our own selves. At the end of the day, you are a passionate and sweet woman who wanted to make something special work with someone you care deeply about. The problem was that you were not being met half-way.

 

 

The continual change that will come from this within your own life is going to be for the better. This is what you will need to keep focusing on. Even on those really tough days in which you tend to miss him the most. It would be ridiculous of me to say that all is going to be great now. Yet, the journey you are on still has a lot of general road left. Straight roads may be much easier and quicker to find. The bumpy and curvy ones help us find a more gradual appreciation. One that is so precious and priceless. May the paths you find in the next few days lead you to more specific peace.

[Missy0724]

Yes, it's still not easy. Hard on the heart, even though the head knows what is best.

 

I loved him. He loved me. We just can't be together. Still having hard days. Missing the routine, talking, sharing every day. We were great friends. Miss that the most. But in some ways he did not treat me as a friend, esp in the end, and post breakup.

 

I realize now he was just offering "friendship" after, for his own selfish reasons, to ease his guilt, to get what he wanted. Bc I was his best friend. He doesn't have a lot of close friends. Not many people understand his past and accept that. I did. Not easy, but I loved all of him and was trying to tell him, show him that for 9 months. While also respecting myself, my wants and needs, expectations for a healthy relationship.

 

He was trying. I'll give him that. But just many things he still struggling with, and also his addictive personality. I am not like that. We huge struggle between us.

 

I'm trying SO hard to accept this loss. I have good days and bad days. I just still miss him very much, in spite of the issues. He always listened to me, supported me in many ways.

 

I know I need to push the good memories to the back of mind now, in order to heal. I need to remember he broke up with me, he didn't see a future with me, he was confused, he not over ex, he has anger for her which means he's not over her yet, he made decisions that were hasty and irresponsible, regarding my feelings, he was selfish in many ways. I gave so much. He did, too, but not in the ways I wanted. I wanted emotional intimacy, I wanted him to be with me 100% emotionally.

 

I wanted him to be OK around ex, amicable with her, happy and proud to be with me, calling me his GF, making plans for the summer, excited to see me, talk about US, not so much focusing on our issues, drama. I am not a drama person. But I got sucked into his, thus making me more of a drama person, doubting myself, my stuff. I'm not like that! I am strong, deal with my stuff in healthy way! He was rubbing off on me in negative way! He has family relationships SO different than mine! Very codependent! I wanted him to break away from that a bit, and think about US, meet my extended family, more time with them, my friends. I tried, but he rejected that at times. Another red flag. He was ok me meeting his family, but not mine? Why?

Shame? His own insecurities I guess. That is not healthy and not anyone I should be with. I like confident, secure, healthy people. And who I want to be around. Happy people! Yes, we all have a baggage. But when your daily life is consumed by dealing with that baggage - you have NO right to bring someone else into your life, as he so irresponsibly did. He was NOT ready. He told me he was. Maybe it wasn't a "lie" per se. He thought he was, he tried. I'll be understanding and accepting of that. He did the best he could.

Just sucked we couldn't have gone slower, built up a friendship first, not been exclusive, had sex. Rushed, so intense! I fell so hard! Damn it. Not easy! But live and learn.

 

I know now how I'm dating now. And it's very different. I always believed in dating one person at a time. I was married for 20 years, so hard to casually date. But now I know that is a MUST. And let a man chase me, not other way around. Big mistake. Take things SLOW... and have no expectations while dating casually. So many people do that. Such a huge mistake! Those damn expectations! Which leads to misunderstanding, miscommunication...drift apart. :-(

 

I can't change him. I can't change the situation. It's over. God, I need to accept that! I hope I do. Sooner than later! I hate hanging onto this! It sucks.

 

I'm venting, journaling. Thanks...

[thekid36]

Yes, it's still not easy. Hard on the heart, even though the head knows what is best.

 

I loved him. He loved me. We just can't be together. Still having hard days. Missing the routine, talking, sharing every day. We were great friends. Miss that the most. But in some ways he did not treat me as a friend, esp in the end, and post breakup.

 

I realize now he was just offering "friendship" after, for his own selfish reasons, to ease his guilt, to get what he wanted. Bc I was his best friend. He doesn't have a lot of close friends. Not many people understand his past and accept that. I did. Not easy, but I loved all of him and was trying to tell him, show him that for 9 months. While also respecting myself, my wants and needs, expectations for a healthy relationship.

 

He was trying. I'll give him that. But just many things he still struggling with, and also his addictive personality. I am not like that. We huge struggle between us.

 

I'm trying SO hard to accept this loss. I have good days and bad days. I just still miss him very much, in spite of the issues. He always listened to me, supported me in many ways.

 

I know I need to push the good memories to the back of mind now, in order to heal. I need to remember he broke up with me, he didn't see a future with me, he was confused, he not over ex, he has anger for her which means he's not over her yet, he made decisions that were hasty and irresponsible, regarding my feelings, he was selfish in many ways. I gave so much. He did, too, but not in the ways I wanted. I wanted emotional intimacy, I wanted him to be with me 100% emotionally.

 

I wanted him to be OK around ex, amicable with her, happy and proud to be with me, calling me his GF, making plans for the summer, excited to see me, talk about US, not so much focusing on our issues, drama. I am not a drama person. But I got sucked into his, thus making me more of a drama person, doubting myself, my stuff. I'm not like that! I am strong, deal with my stuff in healthy way! He was rubbing off on me in negative way! He has family relationships SO different than mine! Very codependent! I wanted him to break away from that a bit, and think about US, meet my extended family, more time with them, my friends. I tried, but he rejected that at times. Another red flag. He was ok me meeting his family, but not mine? Why?

Shame? His own insecurities I guess. That is not healthy and not anyone I should be with. I like confident, secure, healthy people. And who I want to be around. Happy people! Yes, we all have a baggage. But when your daily life is consumed by dealing with that baggage - you have NO right to bring someone else into your life, as he so irresponsibly did. He was NOT ready. He told me he was. Maybe it wasn't a "lie" per se. He thought he was, he tried. I'll be understanding and accepting of that. He did the best he could.

Just sucked we couldn't have gone slower, built up a friendship first, not been exclusive, had sex. Rushed, so intense! I fell so hard! Damn it. Not easy! But live and learn.

 

I know now how I'm dating now. And it's very different. I always believed in dating one person at a time. I was married for 20 years, so hard to casually date. But now I know that is a MUST. And let a man chase me, not other way around. Big mistake. Take things SLOW... and have no expectations while dating casually. So many people do that. Such a huge mistake! Those damn expectations! Which leads to misunderstanding, miscommunication...drift apart. :-(

 

I can't change him. I can't change the situation. It's over. God, I need to accept that! I hope I do. Sooner than later! I hate hanging onto this! It sucks.

 

I'm venting, journaling. Thanks...

 

 

If only the heart and head were more evenly matched! I realize that you are having a hard time of it. It is the contact of someone you are used to which you miss. Trying is just not enough at times. Not when it comes to our own happiness. Even though it is still hard to accept. The hope is that you have more good days than bad.

 

 

There is no real reason to fully dismiss him. Even though you are no longer in contact at this point. One thing you can hold on to is all of those positive memories. He just is not able to provide the continual positive you deserve and are looking for going forward. He's focusing too much on the past and it is still holding him back. You are looking toward the future. That just could not ever work at all.

 

 

I would not even necessarily dismiss the chance of contact with him in the future. This is just not the best time for it based on what you want most. Talking to him right now will totally hold you back. I know this sounds sort of simple. It's just better and easer at times to try to put a positive spin on everything.

 

 

Someone else is going to support you. Even in a stronger way than he was able to. You will learn to love again. Should you decide to do so. That is what you may need to try reminding yourself. Especially on those really difficult days.

 

 

Expectation is one of the most evil possible words out there. It is not really a matter of timing though. Some amazing relationships (like my own) come rather quickly. Some unsuccessful relationships tend to have started much slower. Matters of the heart really do work best without a plan. No real right place or time to meet that person.

[Missy0724]

Hi there. Yes, I know you are right. I'm feeling better each day. Better in the sense that I know the relationship needed to end. Yes, I miss the routine, being with him, our friendship. But I know it wouldn't have worked. Not now, not at this time, with him having too much stuff to work thru. And who knows - maybe as an addict, these things will always "be there". And it will take a special person to accept that, all of him. I thought I did. Maybe I didn't. There was a lot of good, we had so much in common, such attraction, such comfortableness in many ways. Yes, I miss all the good that we did have...

 

But I know in time, that will ease and I will be able to smile when I think of him, what we had. I am moving towards acceptance and gratitude for what this has given me, taught me. And that I was able to love, give. And he did the best he could as well. I won't let him off the hook for sending so many mixed messages, for saying so many things to keep me around, to get what he wanted and needed, leading me on to think he was truly in love with me.

But maybe he thought he was, in his mind. Not a love I'm used to. I've been in healthy love before. I'm trying to forgive myself. On my way...

 

I want to trust again. Trust in the process, my judgment OK. I am a strong person. But am human. And yes, love is a choice.

 

Right now I am exhaling, enjoying the quiet and the peace. And the no expectations for anything. Yes, it's quite nice actually.

 

I went on a second date tonight with a nice guy. We talked and talked, but I just didn't feel any spark or strong desire to see him again. And that's ok. He wanted to go see a movie after dinner, and I was strong enough to say, No. Stood up for myself and what I wanted. He was also pushing for a third date, or assuming we are going to have one. I was honest and upfront and just said, "let's see!".

 

I am going to meet people and just see what happens. If it's not making me happy or I'm not enjoying it, that means I'm not ready, and I will take a break. Last time relationship ended, I took a good 6 months to myself. I may need to do that again. And just relax, enjoy me, my activities, my friends, look into some new activities, travel, etc.

 

Yes, I'm burnt out from this whole thing. I'm sad, I'm blah, I'm hurt, I'm pissed we can't be friends right now. But I have to be strong and do what is right for me. I have no idea what he is feeling, if he is hurting. Maybe he is not. He sounded awfully happy and excited to be out and about, doing his thing, having a date, etc. during our last conversation. Or maybe that was his "coping" mechanism, to stuff his true feelings. I know him. Going to a sad, dark place is not good for him, as an addict. I feel badly about that.

 

But it was his choice to break up with me, vs really trying to get to the heart of the matter, issues, try to make things work with me, explain things better to me, make me a priority, learn to make more distance between himself and his ex wife somehow, so he can move on from her. Her in his life so much is not allowing him to move on. It just sucks. They share kids, so it will probably always be like that. I just don't know. I feel like she partly sabotaged our relationship, too. I know that's prob not true... Just too much baggage... So sad, bc everything else about us was the best I've ever had with anyone. We just needed more time. We both did... I'll never know...

 

So sad when something so rare falls apart, or you find out someone wasn't truly ready or able to give you what you want.

 

Yes, I'm ready for NOW, for the future. He just can't escape his past, because it's still in his face. Well, he is CHOOSING to keep it in his face, not change certain things. Or maybe he will, in time. Maybe in a year or two, he and his ex will be in different places. But he blew it with me. I wanted to be there, to see the changes, support him, love him, both of us learn more about how to deal with stuff, communicate better, make our relationship a priority.

 

Yes, hard to do when only one person wants that, is thinking like that... Can't go where you are not wanted. Never again.

 

I am doing just that - No expectations. And it feels good. I'm such a "planner" and "over thinker". I know my weaknesses. But I'm learning. I'm living in the moment. And being grateful for those moments. As sad and upset as I am, I'm grateful for the 9 months we had, and that we chose to spend that time together. I'll never forget it... But now it's over. And time to put it behind me, and look towards my future. And that is exciting! I was just talking to someone tonight about that! The pluses of being single! And free! And never settling, just enjoy meeting people and talking, sharing for now.

 

I am no way ready to get into anything romantic right now. I feel blah and unable to give any of that or to receive. And that is OK. I accept that. I want and need to go thru this mourning period in a healthy way - to come out healthy at the end. I refuse to stuff my feelings, fake it until you make it, use another person in a rebound relationship, etc. So irresponsible and immature. Not who I am.

 

And when the day comes if and when I feel a spark again, I am going to be so much more aware, ask the right questions, not be afraid, watch for red flags, and walk away sooner than later. And if a man wants to be with me, he is going to have to earn that right. I love myself first...and I'm pretty special! I have SO much love to give! But I deserve and must get the same in return. And never going to apologize for that! :-)

 

Thank you again, The Kid. You rock! Your words help me so much! I'm on my way...and it's wonderful.

 

I actually said a silent Thank You today, to my ex, for letting me go. For both of us. And I'm OK with NC, because it's also out of respect for him, if he is dating. Now that is some progress...

[thekid36]

Hi there. Yes, I know you are right. I'm feeling better each day. Better in the sense that I know the relationship needed to end. Yes, I miss the routine, being with him, our friendship. But I know it wouldn't have worked. Not now, not at this time, with him having too much stuff to work thru. And who knows - maybe as an addict, these things will always "be there". And it will take a special person to accept that, all of him. I thought I did. Maybe I didn't. There was a lot of good, we had so much in common, such attraction, such comfortableness in many ways. Yes, I miss all the good that we did have...

 

But I know in time, that will ease and I will be able to smile when I think of him, what we had. I am moving towards acceptance and gratitude for what this has given me, taught me. And that I was able to love, give. And he did the best he could as well. I won't let him off the hook for sending so many mixed messages, for saying so many things to keep me around, to get what he wanted and needed, leading me on to think he was truly in love with me.

But maybe he thought he was, in his mind. Not a love I'm used to. I've been in healthy love before. I'm trying to forgive myself. On my way...

 

I want to trust again. Trust in the process, my judgment OK. I am a strong person. But am human. And yes, love is a choice.

 

Right now I am exhaling, enjoying the quiet and the peace. And the no expectations for anything. Yes, it's quite nice actually.

 

I went on a second date tonight with a nice guy. We talked and talked, but I just didn't feel any spark or strong desire to see him again. And that's ok. He wanted to go see a movie after dinner, and I was strong enough to say, No. Stood up for myself and what I wanted. He was also pushing for a third date, or assuming we are going to have one. I was honest and upfront and just said, "let's see!".

 

I am going to meet people and just see what happens. If it's not making me happy or I'm not enjoying it, that means I'm not ready, and I will take a break. Last time relationship ended, I took a good 6 months to myself. I may need to do that again. And just relax, enjoy me, my activities, my friends, look into some new activities, travel, etc.

 

Yes, I'm burnt out from this whole thing. I'm sad, I'm blah, I'm hurt, I'm pissed we can't be friends right now. But I have to be strong and do what is right for me. I have no idea what he is feeling, if he is hurting. Maybe he is not. He sounded awfully happy and excited to be out and about, doing his thing, having a date, etc. during our last conversation. Or maybe that was his "coping" mechanism, to stuff his true feelings. I know him. Going to a sad, dark place is not good for him, as an addict. I feel badly about that.

 

But it was his choice to break up with me, vs really trying to get to the heart of the matter, issues, try to make things work with me, explain things better to me, make me a priority, learn to make more distance between himself and his ex wife somehow, so he can move on from her. Her in his life so much is not allowing him to move on. It just sucks. They share kids, so it will probably always be like that. I just don't know. I feel like she partly sabotaged our relationship, too. I know that's prob not true... Just too much baggage... So sad, bc everything else about us was the best I've ever had with anyone. We just needed more time. We both did... I'll never know...

 

So sad when something so rare falls apart, or you find out someone wasn't truly ready or able to give you what you want.

 

Yes, I'm ready for NOW, for the future. He just can't escape his past, because it's still in his face. Well, he is CHOOSING to keep it in his face, not change certain things. Or maybe he will, in time. Maybe in a year or two, he and his ex will be in different places. But he blew it with me. I wanted to be there, to see the changes, support him, love him, both of us learn more about how to deal with stuff, communicate better, make our relationship a priority.

 

Yes, hard to do when only one person wants that, is thinking like that... Can't go where you are not wanted. Never again.

 

I am doing just that - No expectations. And it feels good. I'm such a "planner" and "over thinker". I know my weaknesses. But I'm learning. I'm living in the moment. And being grateful for those moments. As sad and upset as I am, I'm grateful for the 9 months we had, and that we chose to spend that time together. I'll never forget it... But now it's over. And time to put it behind me, and look towards my future. And that is exciting! I was just talking to someone tonight about that! The pluses of being single! And free! And never settling, just enjoy meeting people and talking, sharing for now.

 

I am no way ready to get into anything romantic right now. I feel blah and unable to give any of that or to receive. And that is OK. I accept that. I want and need to go thru this mourning period in a healthy way - to come out healthy at the end. I refuse to stuff my feelings, fake it until you make it, use another person in a rebound relationship, etc. So irresponsible and immature. Not who I am.

 

And when the day comes if and when I feel a spark again, I am going to be so much more aware, ask the right questions, not be afraid, watch for red flags, and walk away sooner than later. And if a man wants to be with me, he is going to have to earn that right. I love myself first...and I'm pretty special! I have SO much love to give! But I deserve and must get the same in return. And never going to apologize for that! :-)

 

Thank you again, The Kid. You rock! Your words help me so much! I'm on my way...and it's wonderful.

 

I actually said a silent Thank You today, to my ex, for letting me go. For both of us. And I'm OK with NC, because it's also out of respect for him, if he is dating. Now that is some progress...

 

 

Hi, Missy! The theme of this message revolves around strength. Anything new is never easy. It is hard to be an analytical soul and not know exactly what is coming next. Take it from someone who is exactly the same way. Even as crazy as all of this was. You actually had an established routine with this man. You knew that there would be time spent together. Hard to let go of what we are used to. That is why he cannot really get rid of his past. You are a much stronger person. The hope is that there will be easier days as the time continues to pass. Your happiness cannot be anything other than priceless. There is no rush to something that important.

 

 

Trust is something that you never need rush either. Someone needs to earn that. It is not something which is ever assumed or given. Hard to not let the past have an affect on us. He really did mess with your emotions in so many definitive ways. Ways that continue to conflict you. You are a wise and witty woman with so more to offer than your ex could ever give. Hold on to your heart as tightly as you can. Only release it if and when the time is right. Remmeber that old adage that all in life is specific. This includes the people who cross paths with ours. Your inner strength will help you find that trust again.

 

 

This is going to sound slightly harsh. Just know that I have your back and hold your best interest in mind when saying this. I know you genuinely care about this guy. You still need to continue being strong and doing what is best on your end. Without one thought at all about how he is doing. Every single one of your thoughts toward him is only going to hold you back even longer. He is not concerned about you at all right now. You are no longer in a relationship with him. There is nothing at all you owe him. No longer are the both of you a team. No reason to act and think as if you are. He has taken up enough of your time already. What you owe yourself is time to continue healing. Doing those things which make you happy and surrounding yourself with strong support. Part of taking back control means making sure you continue moving forward.

[Missy0724]

Hi. I know logically you are SO right. Having a rough morning. Can't explain it. I guess like you said, just missing what we had, the routine. Yes, more of the "idea" of him, what we had. Just so hard to let go, bc I thought this person truly loved me. I've never been hurt like this. It's so hard. I know it's him, and not me. I hate feeling like this. I wish I could make it go away! I am trying SO hard, believe me! It's just hard to believe this person didn't care? After 9 months? After all we shared, talked about, very deep conversations, I met his kids, we were happy for a long time!

 

But yes, I guess for him he just couldn't do it with me. Because he hasn't moved past his ex wife, who he's known since he was 15. I can't imagine. And the huge, amazing life they shared, kids, family, money, etc. A lot of change for him... I understand that. And I tried to, to be his friend, support his challenges, his feelings, etc. It just got to much - to hear about it all the time, to know it still weighing on him so much. I loved him SO much, just thought he felt the same, in spite of his issues. Felt he maybe we moving forward a bit, and in time, all would be ok. We were moving forward! So I thought. Then the brakes came on.

 

Because I needed more time, I questioned things, I upset because I wanted to love him so much more, make this amazing thing we had, a priority. Spend more quality time together, so maybe we COULD work thru these issues! I needed compassion! I needed time to maybe understand all he going thru, maybe get some professional help together. I needed more time to get used to his family, them me, his kids, etc. That takes TIME!

 

He always told me he wouldn't walk away. And neither would I. That what we had was worth fighting for. That neither one of us had been so close in a relationship. We both have intimacy issues. We had such a connection. I loved him bc of his imperfects and because he was honest about some things.

 

I hate him for quitting, for not giving ME time. TIME for us. But I understand. He needs time for HIM. He can't be in any thing healthy, until he figures out his own s*it.

 

And I need to work thru my own, too. Why I stayed when I knew certain things? I wasn't truly happy at the end, so many red flags. Why wasn't I strong enough to walk away? I am not happy with myself about that... So have to work thru that... Lots of thinking...

 

I will be OK. Just having one of those mornings. Feeling down, alone, lonely, etc. I am not, I know. But sometimes we just can't help the way our heart feels, even though our head knows differently.

 

Time...Just need time. I just get frustrated, angry, sad, back and forth...Even at times understanding of both of us. Love myself, yes. Loved him, yes. And still care. I shouldn't and it will be easier once I become apathetic about the whole thing. Can't wait for that day! But that's not today. And that has to be OK. I accept that. And my feelings. Just pissed I put myself in this situation. But also trying to be grateful, bc we did have some great times and memories. Which are hard to imagine they will never be again... Besides his emotional crap, baggage, things we great and he offered me SO much. We have SO much in common and enjoy lots of similar things. He is interesting, not boring, full of life. Hard to find that in someone... But I have to accept it's over and there are other fish in the sea. And when the time comes, I will and can love and trust again. Right now, just hard to imagine connecting with someone like that. I feel so blah. I went on two dates. Blah. Chatting with few people online. Blah. Whatever. I will prob give that a couple more weeks, and then take a break. I don't know what the hell I am doing. I have no real interest in anyone right now. Yes, nice to chat with people. And yes, I want a relationship. Just not right now. Not fair to me, or anyone else. That would be a rebound. And that's SO wrong. I was honest with the guy I went out with last week. My friends say, get out, meet people...OK, fine I'll do that. But honestly I'm not excited about it or have no expectations. We shall see...at least I'm trying. All I can do...

 

Thanks so much for your support and responding. I really need this outlet right now. I need people who understand as I work thru this... I hate this roller coaster of emotions. I'm trying so hard to get off of it. I'm better than this! I'm in my 40's for gods sake! I've had so many losses! You'd think I'd be used to it by now... I had a couple of great days, felt strong. Now I feel weak again, sad, cried this morning. Just losing such a good friend. Or who I thought was a friend. And trying to understand how I could be so naive - maybe he wasn't really a friend??? What did he want? Was all he said, lies? Did he care, or not? And do I frickin' care at this point??? I don't want to!!!

 

OK, done with the crazy talk... :-)

[Missy0724]

This is ridiculous! I need to STOP ruminating and remember all the negative stuff. I'm stuck in remembering the good times, what could have been, when we DID dream about the future together. That was a fleeting moment, when we were in our "honeymoon" phase. All so fun, exciting! That ended. He could not deal with things becoming "real", this is life! His issues popped up, the reality that he is, and may always be, stuck in his own ruminating about his ex and their life together. I just don't know. Or maybe he will make progress, in his own time...He probably will. He will just take longer than most, because of his addictive tendencies, immaturity, lack of experience with relationships...

 

I need to focus on the FACT that it is OVER. He did not give me time. I gave him time, I was trying to understand things, be there for him, give him space. It was not easy. Which is HUGE red flag!!! Easy for him, he getting all his wants and needs met! Have his cake and eat it, too! What about me??? F that.

 

I'm crying over what will never be. What probably never was. Just a shallow, "puppy love" thing for him. An "addictive" love for him. I'm not sure he has the ability right now to even know what true, deep, intimate love is. He doesn't have any deep friendships. That is HIS problem. To have a friend, you have to be a friend. He tries to show that he is so great, such a giving, unselfish person. But he's not. It's only for HIS own gain, what HE can get out of it. That was made very clear... He showered me with affection, attention, spend money on me, call me every day, texting me all the time. Very needy. I guess I'd never had that before, so I fell into it. I liked it, in a way. To get all that attention! I was needy in my own ways, too. I admit that. I took it as he very interested in me and wanted me, wanted us, our relationship. That it was a priority to him. It was that way for a while... Until all this crap with ex wife surfaced. Shaking my head... Then he bailed. And sorry, I have values, boundaries. He knew he had deep issues, not over ex, when he met me. And pushed it aside, withheld a lot of info from me, to get me, court me, keep me for as long as it worked for HIM.

 

Never again! I am going to keep working on reprogramming my thinking - think of all the negative stuff. The fact that it would have NEVER worked out between us! His values, way of living, so different than mine, in the important areas of life. His frickin' kids don't even go to school! Him and his ex believe that education is "just babysitting, housing kids all day". His ex wife a teacher, and she doesn't even teach them, home school them! They just do what ever they please. His 10 year old daughter can't even write her name legibly or spell simple words correctly. OK, that's preparing your kids for the real world, a positive future! Weird. He has NO boundaries, believes everyone should just run around free... They don't vaccinate their kids either. Yuck. He cheated on his ex many many times. Lied to her. Was having an affair with her best friend. And I choose to get involved with this person, thinking he's "changed"??? Maybe some people can. But I just don't know. And no one is perfect - but his stuff just too much for me!!! Again, he charming, giving, fun to be with, etc. But the major stuff - I've realized what was I doing? I could never have a future with him, his kids, deal with his ex! Their life style choices.

 

I have to remember all that - and the way he treated me at the end. Not as a friend. At all. So fake. All about him and his happiness. Which probably fake, too. He's an addict. Just moving on to his next "fix", his "high", to avoid the pain. Just continue to stuff it. But put on a happy face, "fake it till you make it". Show off that he does all these things that make it look like he's in "recovery". Doing all the right things! Good job! What a fake. He has no idea what true friendship, love is. He's never had it. He and his wife were very mean and disrespectful to each other. She used him for his money, he used her for sex, have kids, her no boundaries, so he could go out and have affairs, have a "sex addiction". Please. He took what he wanted, because he could. That is how he was raised. No rules, consequences, values, boundaries...Just money, materialism, sex, parents not around bc too busy socializing, having fun, didn't teach their kids any values or boundaries. Yes, we are somewhat a product of our upbringing. But when you get into your 30 and 40's, please. You know right from wrong. And not blame your actions on your parents, your past, etc. Disgusting...

 

I pity him. And the next person who falls into his trap. Or maybe she will be OK with it, bc she won't have any self love, self respect, no boundaries, maybe an addict herself. She'll be a deer in the headlights by his charm, his money, all he "gives". Maybe she will be satisfied with a shallow relationship based on so many things besides what really matters. Good luck to them.

[thekid36]

This is ridiculous! I need to STOP ruminating and remember all the negative stuff. I'm stuck in remembering the good times, what could have been, when we DID dream about the future together. That was a fleeting moment, when we were in our "honeymoon" phase. All so fun, exciting! That ended. He could not deal with things becoming "real", this is life! His issues popped up, the reality that he is, and may always be, stuck in his own ruminating about his ex and their life together. I just don't know. Or maybe he will make progress, in his own time...He probably will. He will just take longer than most, because of his addictive tendencies, immaturity, lack of experience with relationships...

 

I need to focus on the FACT that it is OVER. He did not give me time. I gave him time, I was trying to understand things, be there for him, give him space. It was not easy. Which is HUGE red flag!!! Easy for him, he getting all his wants and needs met! Have his cake and eat it, too! What about me??? F that.

 

I'm crying over what will never be. What probably never was. Just a shallow, "puppy love" thing for him. An "addictive" love for him. I'm not sure he has the ability right now to even know what true, deep, intimate love is. He doesn't have any deep friendships. That is HIS problem. To have a friend, you have to be a friend. He tries to show that he is so great, such a giving, unselfish person. But he's not. It's only for HIS own gain, what HE can get out of it. That was made very clear... He showered me with affection, attention, spend money on me, call me every day, texting me all the time. Very needy. I guess I'd never had that before, so I fell into it. I liked it, in a way. To get all that attention! I was needy in my own ways, too. I admit that. I took it as he very interested in me and wanted me, wanted us, our relationship. That it was a priority to him. It was that way for a while... Until all this crap with ex wife surfaced. Shaking my head... Then he bailed. And sorry, I have values, boundaries. He knew he had deep issues, not over ex, when he met me. And pushed it aside, withheld a lot of info from me, to get me, court me, keep me for as long as it worked for HIM.

 

Never again! I am going to keep working on reprogramming my thinking - think of all the negative stuff. The fact that it would have NEVER worked out between us! His values, way of living, so different than mine, in the important areas of life. His frickin' kids don't even go to school! Him and his ex believe that education is "just babysitting, housing kids all day". His ex wife a teacher, and she doesn't even teach them, home school them! They just do what ever they please. His 10 year old daughter can't even write her name legibly or spell simple words correctly. OK, that's preparing your kids for the real world, a positive future! Weird. He has NO boundaries, believes everyone should just run around free... They don't vaccinate their kids either. Yuck. He cheated on his ex many many times. Lied to her. Was having an affair with her best friend. And I choose to get involved with this person, thinking he's "changed"??? Maybe some people can. But I just don't know. And no one is perfect - but his stuff just too much for me!!! Again, he charming, giving, fun to be with, etc. But the major stuff - I've realized what was I doing? I could never have a future with him, his kids, deal with his ex! Their life style choices.

 

I have to remember all that - and the way he treated me at the end. Not as a friend. At all. So fake. All about him and his happiness. Which probably fake, too. He's an addict. Just moving on to his next "fix", his "high", to avoid the pain. Just continue to stuff it. But put on a happy face, "fake it till you make it". Show off that he does all these things that make it look like he's in "recovery". Doing all the right things! Good job! What a fake. He has no idea what true friendship, love is. He's never had it. He and his wife were very mean and disrespectful to each other. She used him for his money, he used her for sex, have kids, her no boundaries, so he could go out and have affairs, have a "sex addiction". Please. He took what he wanted, because he could. That is how he was raised. No rules, consequences, values, boundaries...Just money, materialism, sex, parents not around bc too busy socializing, having fun, didn't teach their kids any values or boundaries. Yes, we are somewhat a product of our upbringing. But when you get into your 30 and 40's, please. You know right from wrong. And not blame your actions on your parents, your past, etc. Disgusting...

 

I pity him. And the next person who falls into his trap. Or maybe she will be OK with it, bc she won't have any self love, self respect, no boundaries, maybe an addict herself. She'll be a deer in the headlights by his charm, his money, all he "gives". Maybe she will be satisfied with a shallow relationship based on so many things besides what really matters. Good luck to them.

 

Hi, Missy! No need to apologize for the rough moments. They are basically bound to happen. Totally can relate to what you mean about the "idea" of him. This is specifically what held me back for so many years. I wanted so much to find happiness with that one special person. So much that I ended up spending time with women who were completely wrong for me. Time I will now never get back. So all I can do is take the experiences as a positive. They have helped me so much within my current relationship. Just as all of these rough patches will help with your next one! The wait will make you just appreciate it all even more.

 

 

The thing is that he most likely did love you. Maybe almost as much as you do him. Very likely that he continues to care today. He simply would never have been able to fully show it. Not the way you both want and need. You never would have actually been a priority to him. Which would not have worked well at all with you making him one of yours. All the time in the world would not have changed the fact that he is not rid of his past. No signs showing he even could ever be. Not much of an effort on his end from what I could sense. Which is where so much of the importance lies.

 

 

You wanted so much to make this work out. Because of how much you care for him and all there was in common. Because of all of the future plans you had in your sights. Because of being a person who goes after all life has to offer without doing things half-ass. Because you are a patient person and really would have taken the time to make it the best relationship possible. It is actually the strength of your character which made you stay. It just was not meant to be in the end. It is now this same strength of your character which will pull you through. Even through the most challengng days.

 

 

The people who are most worth knowing are those without any actual expectations. This includes someone who is initially not automatically looking for a relationship with you right off of the bat. Just one tidbit of life which took me so long to realize. Someone should simply enjoy spending time with you and vice-versa. Out of the simple enjoyment. Not with the thought of getting you into bed before morning. Nor, what has to come down the road. Your friends seem to be taking a proactive approach. My advice would be to just take the interactions as they come to you. No reason to search them out. Plenty of other places in life to analyze and plan!

 

 

This outlet will continue to exist for you as is wanted. I will not leave you hanging and have your back! None of your emotions and feelings are crazy at all. Not one thing you have talked about is ridiculous. You seriously need to stop beating yourself up so much. It is all part of the healing process. Anything helpful should always be embraced. Life is unfortunately like a roller-coaster. It would be so much easier and quicker if it were just a straight path. It would also make us less appreciative.

 

 

It is not as much that the relationship is over. Much more that the best part of your life can now begin. Think of all the stress you will be avoiding. All of the attention he would have never been able to show you. The wasted time you would have continued to have offered him. All of the freedom you will continue to find. There is no rule book for how to heal. The tears would have been even more numerous had you stayed. You also would have been seriously stuck. As opposed to moving on. Even when it seemed as if he was showing you affection. It was all in the end for his own gain. Let the tears fall now as they come. Allow them to be proactive and positive ones. Get all of the emotions and feelings out of your system in a natural way. Not within a way that becomes forced. You have to continue doing what is best for your own self. Not based on anyone or anything else. I think that you have already come a long way already. Even despite a difficult day or two. Life is so much more of a gradual marathon than a swift sprint.

 

 

-Ian

 

 

　

 

 

　

 

 

　

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Edited August 2, 2014 by thekid36

[Missy0724]

Yes, again, Thank you, Ian. You have been a godsend...

 

Your words of wisdom help so much. I agree with all you say. Just need my heart to catch up... :-) And it will...

 

I know my part, I know I choose to get involved with someone not ready and with so much baggage. I am beginning to understand my part, my personality, why I did that. And why I must NOT take on the responsibility of thinking I can "fix" someone, or make someone move on when ready...that is only up to THEM and their choices. And if we as a couple are not onboard TOGETHER, as a team, it just won't work. I know this from a failed marriage. And there I went and repeated same mistakes. I accept this and need to focus on ME and changing my behaviors and choices. That is my one and only responsibility. He is responsible for himself. And unfortunately we just couldn't be a team. Just the way it was, due to our differences in values, lifestyle, extended families, relationships with exes, etc.

 

I live a pretty healthy life. He does not. Maybe I was attracted to that "wildness" in a way. Quite freeing. I've always been with safe, strong, secure men. To me, kind of "boring". I like imperfections, people with "character", who have struggled a bit. Because that is me. I'm from dysfunction. I get it. I know why I was attracted to him. I just didn't realize how much baggage he DID have!!! Live and learn. It just took time to figure all that out. And it sucks because I was so in love with him by then... So it goes. Love is blind, oh yes.

 

But I'm on my way. I feel OK now. And know there will be ups and downs, just as life always does. And relationships end. I've had many end. This one just very hard, as it was very different. And we were in deep. Well, at least I was. I saw so much promise, hope...if he could just make some changes, set some stronger boundaries, say NO to people and situations. Make me feel like a priority. He could not. That was HIS choice. And he blew it.

 

I'm a great person, smart, strong, good life, healthy living. I fall down, I get back up. I'll be OK. And I'm ok being alone. Even though I really am not. I am very blessed with an amazing support group of friends and family. Very very lucky. I need to concentrate on things I am grateful for. I got lost - too wrapped up in that relationship, trying so hard to hang on, make it work, "fix" him or his situation. I am shaking my head. I know that was SO SO wrong. Love is not changing someone. Love is not too much work. It should be easy, just flow. Just like my other close friendships work. It should never be a project. Yes, issues of course, hurdles to get over. But that takes teamwork, togetherness, trust, communication, laughter. We did not have that 100%. I settled. I won't again. I know that.

 

All of this, as every person and relationship that comes and goes, teaches us so many lessons. If we just CHOOSE to listen to those lessons, and follow thru after - move forward, do not repeat our mistakes. Do NOT give up our values, no matter how good we think things are! Watch for those red flags, ask questions. Walk away or take a break if we don't like the answers. If something doesn't feel right, it isn't. Trust your instincts. I know this! I just didn't, for whatever reason. That is what I'm working on figuring out. My stuff. I don't care about his stuff anymore. That is up to him. Maybe he won't change, maybe he will. Yes, makes me sad bc maybe in a few years he'll hae his life together, maybe he and ex be amicable. I wanted to be there by his side, supporting him. I did the best I could. I really did. But I'm glad it's over, bc it was too much of a struggle, too stressful. Watching him so distracted, not into us anymore, pulling away. His choice. So I let him go now...Best for both of us. I have not contacted him, and will not. I know he is respecting me and my space and doing the same. Or already moved on to someone else. Who cares. His choice. I choose ME now.

 

I'm happy to do that, yes. And I'll have my days. But in time, he will be a memory. And hopefully like other past loves, I'll be able to smile someday, when I remember him and all our great memories. I have hope in that. All I can do. Keep busy, keep moving forward. Be grateful for this great life I do have! I really have nothing to complain about! And I need to forgive myself. And just accept it all as just another bump in my journey, yes. This is Life! It happens to so many of us. We have to go thru those bumps, in order to get to that place we deserve to end up...

 

I know I'll be fine. Because I choose to be. It's all about choice and being a strong, responsible person. And yes, taking time for me, no expectations if and when I date, meet someone again. Just have fun. Choose someone more like me, same values, fun, light, no pressure. None of this "sweep me off my feet" stuff. God, too fast! Too overwhelming! Yes, an addictive, unhealthy love. But unlike anything I'd known, so I just went with it, thinking this guy SO into me. Yes, I loved all the attention! At that time, I needed it. I was vulnerable and a bit needy. I admit that. Was still reeling from my divorce...I get it. I made some poor choices as well.

 

OK - I'm on my way... Again, this has helped immensely! wow. Saved me some bucks on the therapist! lol

 

Have a great evening!

 

- M

[Missy0724]

Yes, I know when I check my irrationality and emotions, sadness at the door, he loved me. He still does I'm sure, as I do him. We just can't be together. Bad timing? Perhaps? But honestly, we just too different as far as core values, choices, boundaries, relationships with family and exes. Sure, I have my issues with my family, but overall good and I've accepted my past, very dysfunctional family. And we live our own separate lives. I'm a grown woman! I don't count or depend on my family, parents for help or money. His family so different and I just wouldn't fit in, bc I don't believe in codependency. Especially among 40-70 year old adults! Not my thing... The lack of boundaries blew me away. Just that alone is now making me realize, love is never enough!

 

Just too many issues, unhealthy living, in my opinion. Nothing I could relate to, or be part of. It is good I'm out of that situation. I would not have been happy or comfortable. His parents still so close with and involved with his ex. They didn't make me feel very comfortable. They blame him for the divorce. As perhaps they have a right to. Feel compassion a bit for him, bc his own parents have "sided" with her in a way, still hang out with her, etc.

 

Anyway - seeing things clearly, more and more each day.

 

We got into something we shouldn't have. I was not prepared. But we had instinct connection. That doesn't happen to me every day. I prob met 20-30 guys from OLD, before I met and clicked with him! And that attraction... It just grew and grew. He's very charismatic and charming. I do miss him, and all we shared. But that's not good enough. It would never work between us. I wouldn't be able to accept certain things, I don't think. He is too complex, too much going on his head that I was always trying to guess. Bc I knew he not over ex, too many interactions with her, no separation from her. Sad for him for that. They share kids. Not easy. But he could make new rules, boundaries with her and his family. He tried somewhat, but not enough. And she uses that to her advantage. Such a bad, unhealthy situation, F ed up family dynamics. Not anything I'm used to! My family stays out of each others business for the most part! Too much drama in his family! It would have drove me away eventually. Or I would have gotten caught up in it! That's not me! And funny, bc I saw that beginning to happen... So I'm glad I'm out of that situation.

 

There would never be an "us". His parents, ex, would be too much in our faces, lives. Maybe he ok with that, bc he used to it. Not me! Good riddance! :-) Yes, trying to find true gratitude that it ended! Try to see how future would realistically look! I hadn't done that before today! Wow! Crystal clear!

 

I'm working on changing my thought process here... Yes, it's a journey and recovery...finding my way. :-)

 

Love is NEVER enough!!! And there is no "magical' fairy tale love story. There are no "soul mates". We love, we lose, we say goodbye. Wash, rinse, repeat. Until maybe some day someone chooses to stick around for good, that we are worth it, we are an awesome team, we want same things from life... All I can hope for and have faith in. Until then... Enjoy my wonderful, full, single life! I can do whatever I want! Freedom! Travel! Take some courses! Jesus, I was married for 20 years! What was I thinking, jumping back into a serious thing??? DUH! live and learn...continually. That never ends, and that is a very good thing indeed! At least for me! And that's all that matters right now.

 

I hope he is ok. I hope he is making healthier choices, I hope he also learned something. I can't worry about him. He's a 40 year old man quite capable of changing, making healthy choices. There really are no excuses anymore. Time to grow up. His choice, or not. And he will have to deal with the consequences of his actions. Not my problem or care anymore. He lost that right. I deserve the BEST someday. Never settling again. Rather be single. Nothing wrong with that!

 

Thanks again. Your words and story, now you found someone great, inspires me.

 

Best,

M

[thekid36]

Yes, again, Thank you, Ian. You have been a godsend...

 

Your words of wisdom help so much. I agree with all you say. Just need my heart to catch up... :-) And it will...

 

I know my part, I know I choose to get involved with someone not ready and with so much baggage. I am beginning to understand my part, my personality, why I did that. And why I must NOT take on the responsibility of thinking I can "fix" someone, or make someone move on when ready...that is only up to THEM and their choices. And if we as a couple are not onboard TOGETHER, as a team, it just won't work. I know this from a failed marriage. And there I went and repeated same mistakes. I accept this and need to focus on ME and changing my behaviors and choices. That is my one and only responsibility. He is responsible for himself. And unfortunately we just couldn't be a team. Just the way it was, due to our differences in values, lifestyle, extended families, relationships with exes, etc.

 

I live a pretty healthy life. He does not. Maybe I was attracted to that "wildness" in a way. Quite freeing. I've always been with safe, strong, secure men. To me, kind of "boring". I like imperfections, people with "character", who have struggled a bit. Because that is me. I'm from dysfunction. I get it. I know why I was attracted to him. I just didn't realize how much baggage he DID have!!! Live and learn. It just took time to figure all that out. And it sucks because I was so in love with him by then... So it goes. Love is blind, oh yes.

 

But I'm on my way. I feel OK now. And know there will be ups and downs, just as life always does. And relationships end. I've had many end. This one just very hard, as it was very different. And we were in deep. Well, at least I was. I saw so much promise, hope...if he could just make some changes, set some stronger boundaries, say NO to people and situations. Make me feel like a priority. He could not. That was HIS choice. And he blew it.

 

I'm a great person, smart, strong, good life, healthy living. I fall down, I get back up. I'll be OK. And I'm ok being alone. Even though I really am not. I am very blessed with an amazing support group of friends and family. Very very lucky. I need to concentrate on things I am grateful for. I got lost - too wrapped up in that relationship, trying so hard to hang on, make it work, "fix" him or his situation. I am shaking my head. I know that was SO SO wrong. Love is not changing someone. Love is not too much work. It should be easy, just flow. Just like my other close friendships work. It should never be a project. Yes, issues of course, hurdles to get over. But that takes teamwork, togetherness, trust, communication, laughter. We did not have that 100%. I settled. I won't again. I know that.

 

All of this, as every person and relationship that comes and goes, teaches us so many lessons. If we just CHOOSE to listen to those lessons, and follow thru after - move forward, do not repeat our mistakes. Do NOT give up our values, no matter how good we think things are! Watch for those red flags, ask questions. Walk away or take a break if we don't like the answers. If something doesn't feel right, it isn't. Trust your instincts. I know this! I just didn't, for whatever reason. That is what I'm working on figuring out. My stuff. I don't care about his stuff anymore. That is up to him. Maybe he won't change, maybe he will. Yes, makes me sad bc maybe in a few years he'll hae his life together, maybe he and ex be amicable. I wanted to be there by his side, supporting him. I did the best I could. I really did. But I'm glad it's over, bc it was too much of a struggle, too stressful. Watching him so distracted, not into us anymore, pulling away. His choice. So I let him go now...Best for both of us. I have not contacted him, and will not. I know he is respecting me and my space and doing the same. Or already moved on to someone else. Who cares. His choice. I choose ME now.

 

I'm happy to do that, yes. And I'll have my days. But in time, he will be a memory. And hopefully like other past loves, I'll be able to smile someday, when I remember him and all our great memories. I have hope in that. All I can do. Keep busy, keep moving forward. Be grateful for this great life I do have! I really have nothing to complain about! And I need to forgive myself. And just accept it all as just another bump in my journey, yes. This is Life! It happens to so many of us. We have to go thru those bumps, in order to get to that place we deserve to end up...

 

I know I'll be fine. Because I choose to be. It's all about choice and being a strong, responsible person. And yes, taking time for me, no expectations if and when I date, meet someone again. Just have fun. Choose someone more like me, same values, fun, light, no pressure. None of this "sweep me off my feet" stuff. God, too fast! Too overwhelming! Yes, an addictive, unhealthy love. But unlike anything I'd known, so I just went with it, thinking this guy SO into me. Yes, I loved all the attention! At that time, I needed it. I was vulnerable and a bit needy. I admit that. Was still reeling from my divorce...I get it. I made some poor choices as well.

 

OK - I'm on my way... Again, this has helped immensely! wow. Saved me some bucks on the therapist! lol

 

Have a great evening!

 

- M

 

No need to thank me but you are very sweet all the same. All of this advice comes for free. Part of me always wanted to be a therapist. Before I got into education and all. I actually think that talking to you helps me get more perspective on my own mistakes. If that makes any sense at all. I am happy that our trails have crossed. Continue to not be so sure about 'words of wisdom!' Just glad that I can offer some open perspective is all. There is no need to rush your heart either. It is something which happens to be so precious and priceless. Which is why we only get one of them!

 

 

I also wanted to "fix" my ex because of my passionate personality. Suppose it is just the teacher in me. Try to fix what is totally not right as quickly as possible. Knowing it would never be true love with her. Not wanting to give up on someone or something. Trying each day to come up with a creative solution. One that never could be totally found. It truly can be a struggle at times. You want to not let go and fight like hell for what was wanted. Sometimes, you just have to simply give up the fight. So as to win the battle in the end. That may be the easiest way to explain it.

 

 

Baggage is best left at the curb. Hard to find someone who does not come with any of it. It is how you handle it which makes the main difference. It truly is a choice as to what you take with you. A choice as to how much you let it control your life. That is what I have found throughout my own travels.

 

 

Both of us have learned to leave our bags in that exact place, Missy. It takes incredible strength to be able to do so. I am not modest at all. Just know that I am a strong person. Because of all I have been through already. Your ex seems like a very weak man in so many ways. You have the same kind of strength as me. Part of what makes you the woman who you are. I know it may not seem like that right now. Yet, it could basically not be any more blatant. So many sad souls choose to let the past define the now. Even though there is no control over what has already occured.

 

 

Your description of love could not be much more detailed. It also happens to be incredibly spot-on. I am actually writing a script which deals with this same exact emotion. Love is about making it work together as a team. No matter what life actually happens to throw at you. Above and beyond all else. It sometimes means putting what is best for that other person even above your own selfish wants. Anyone who would not make you feel like a priority is actually sort of an idiot. That would be a man who is missing out on a woman who has so damn much to offer. Do not ever lose sight of that and remind yourself of it as needed. Life is so much more enriched when we have a special person to share it with. Being with someone to simply have some fun or so as not be so lonely is even worse than staying alone. Took me so damn long to figure this one out. Even as simple as it may sound. We make what is the most simple so complicated. You do not need a man to define who you are. Let that extraordinary one simply enhance it.

 

 

　

 

 

　

Edited August 3, 2014 by thekid36

[Missy0724]

:-) You and I seem very similar! I am a caregiver as well! I worked in the health field, also a teachers assistant. Yes, I have this behavior to help, care, make people feel better. I as well thought about going into the counseling, social work field. I get it. It is an admirable quality, we just need to keep it in check, and use it accordingly, with people who are not going to take advantage of us, try to treat us as doormats, use us for their selfish reasons. We need to find that balance of being selfish for US, while also being giving, loving people. To the right people!

 

It takes trial and error. We are humans and constantly growing and learning. We should be, any way! We will be on our death beds when we perhaps have it all figured out... :-)

 

Totally agree! We all have baggage! Funny, bc I've said that so many times: it's how we handle it, react, that makes all the difference. And we can't control or fix what others do, we can only control how we react to things! We choose! And are responsible for our reactions and choices. Always. Can't blame it on others, the past, etc. Sure, we all have weak moments and the "whoa is me", pity party. We all have feelings, get hurt, have bad days! But we have the power within us to get up, change our attitude, change our thought process. That is our power over our brain! The power of positive thought! Do the work...journal, vent, get therapy, get on some meds for awhile if needed, share, cry, fall apart...go thru the process. Then pull ourselves up, bc what is the other choice? Continue to suffer? For what?! That is self destruction. Blame others! Blame it on "addictions"? I know some people stronger than others. I have some compassion. But watching this man, learning about his history, his family, etc...he made choices that led to him becoming a heavy drinker, drug user, sex addict, cheated on wife, etc. No one held a gun to his head. And he didn't have some awful childhood! He lived a rich, over privileged life with no values taught, no respect for women, no boundaries. So he LEARNED it was ok to drink, sex with whomever he pleased, take what he wanted to fulfill his voids. With no concept of consequences or how his actions hurt others, his ex wife. Sorry, that's not addiction. That's being a selfish jerk, with no concept of respect. Sure we all make mistakes. But things that he did. You do something more than once, that's not a mistake! That's a choice! Especially when you are 40 years old!

 

Yuck. Can't believe I was so blind. But now I see... :-)