Addictions and Narcassism?

[Missy0724]

Agreed, Ian. I believe all these characteristics: Gaslighting, manipulating, selfishness, large ego, inability to have true empathy, etc. is all connected to those with addictive personalities. Sometimes that includes narcissism. They can all go hand in hand. SO immature and very sad.

 

I have grown, I am not perfect. But some people just on different journey, not "caught up" with us. I can't be with someone like that. I can be with someone with faults! Hello! No one is perfect. But as more time goes by, I'm realizing his true character. As much as he tried to hide it, or try to "prove" he's in recovery, doing all these great things. Yes, perhaps he's on his way. I do believe people can change! But ACTIONS and how you treat people is true definition of change.

 

He just wasn't ready for a commitment with me. He couldn't do it. Not able to. His choice. He can pull the "I'm so spiritual now, I'm going to therapy once a week, I'm doing yoga, keeping SO busy..." Funny - because I honestly think all these things he is doing, are just new "addictions", replacements and he is not getting any better. I could be wrong... I hope I am and someday he finds true peace and happiness within himself. And can relax, go with the flow. Not need to "prove" anything to anyone. Part of me thinks he's doing all this, to show, prove to his ex, he's changed. He bows to her, allows her to manipulate him. He tried to make it look like he was making new boundaries with her. He would tell me little things he was doing...But some big ones would come up. Her waltzing in the house, her bills still coming to the house, she got a new dog and expected him to take the dog when he has the kids. Which is 50% of the time. And he works FULL time. He won't say NO to her. Appeases her in little ways. Because he doesn't want to "hurt" her. Waaahhh, poor baby. Yeah, you frigin cheated on her. And with her best friend, had an affair with her! Which she doesn't even know about, to this day. Is still best friends with this person, and her husband. Disgusting. Who the hell does that??? Sick. That is crossing a HUGE boundary. I've done some stuff I'm not proud of, sure, but that??? So disrespectful and NO self control. I can't believe when he told me that, I didn't walk away. Shaking my head... Yes, LUST IS BLIND.

 

Give me a break. They are both sick. Whole family is sick. Glad to be away from that. No boundaries, respect. So weird. I've never met people like that in my life. GOODBYE !!!!! They can have it. He will NEVER have or take that separation from her! So this is how it's probably going to be for the rest of their lives. Good luck to the next GF. Maybe she will tolerate that. I know I wouldn't. And I knew he knew as well - at least he let me go. I'll give him that. He knows I'm better than that. He knows I have self love. He knows I deserve better. And he wasn't willing to make changes, to make me or us a priority. HIS CHOICE. Nothing I can do. I'm not changing anyone. Only myself. I am NO DOORMAT. Never again. Sure, I'm a giving person. But that has to be 50/50. No more giving way too much of myself, or falling at a man's feet. I've learned a HARD HARD lesson.

 

Thanks for listening...

[DorothyGale]

Hi, everyone. I am hoping I can get as much advice, thoughts, experiences re: narcissism and addictions, and if, how they tie together, characteristics, behaviors, etc.

 

I think my ex showed a lot of narcissistic characteristics, but I want to try to understand. This is for me, so I can perhaps find some compassion, acceptance, in order to move on in healthy way...

 

He is a recovering alcoholic, love/sex addict. So he said... I personally am torn on these "labels". I do believe in addictions and how once a person CHOOSES a behavior, they get hooked on the high, the feelings created by the release of dopamine, brain chemicals, etc. and repeating unhealthy behaviors changes brain chemistry. Hence so hard to quit! I get that. I just believe you first make that choice to start drinking, cheating, drugs, etc. There is some personal responsibility, no one holds a gun to your head... Or maybe I am so wrong, bc I am not an addictive personality...

 

Hence me looking for opinions about this.

 

I want to accept my exes behavior. I don't want to hate him for the lies, withholding, his uptight personality, all the things he did before we met, that now I feel a bit angry about, and at myself, bc I knew some of his history, and choose to get involved with this person any way.

 

But it's just now I'm questioning, was he, is he a narcissist?

 

Thank you!

 

Who know's if he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

 

There is a one question test now, ask him do you think your a Narcissist and if he answers yes he probably is. Here's the link:

 

https://jfe.qualtrics.com/form/SV_8ufhcONa8r4VlUV

 

The reality is: who cares what his diagnosis is. He is your ex, correct? If you're no longer involved with him then you don't need to figure out anything. You don't need to hate him. Hate is so unhealthy. In your heart, wish him well and find someone else.

[Missy0724]

Yes, DG - I am in the process of moving on, going thru a normal mourning period. No regrets. And I don't "hate" him. Just have some lingering anger, that is quite normal. After being with someone very deeply, for 10 months. Thought I'd found my best friend. It is good to reflect on a failed relationship, as long as you are doing it in a healthy way. I am analyzing his actions, behaviors, as well as my own. Thinking is a good thing. Mourning is a good thing. Venting and sharing is a good thing. Denying the pain, sadness, anger, just "moving on" and not reflecting...not healthy. I believe it will come back later and bite you on the ass. Or it can, depending on the person, and how they managed the break up, mourned, etc. It's a death in many ways. Well, if you truly loved that person, it is. Some people can just "move on", some cannot. Everyone handles loss in different ways.

 

I want to understand his behaviors, so I do not repeat the choice I made. To be more aware, moving forward. I don't care if he's a narcissist for HIM. I care for ME, so as not to repeat my choices, behaviors. I'm all about self reflection, self growth, personal responsibility.

 

I do not hate him. I have bouts of anger. It's only been month and half since break up. That's ok! I pity him actually. And sorry that he has unhealthy relationships in his life. But that is his choice to stay involved with those kinds of people. I choose not to. Hard balance between compassion, yet not being a doormat, just accept everyone's behavior, bc "lets have peace and love" all the time. That is not reality. "Do no harm, but take no ****". Good philosophy in my opinion. Again, everyone different in their philosophy or opinions, due to each persons own upbringing, experiences. I've had a hard life, no walk in the park. Yes, maybe it hardens you a bit, as well as softens you. Good balance, I believe...

 

And I hope and pray he has learned, and doesn't hurt another person, as he did me. Hopefully he is dealing with his deep issues, before involving another so deeply into his life, and his young children's lives... That is HIS responsibility. And yes, not my business anymore. But I'm human, was hurt. And cared for him, his kids. But I'm letting go... It's a process...

[thekid36]

Great words this morning, Ian. Thank you. Feeling OK today...Busy weekend, which is good. Some anxiety, but that is OK too and I accept that and will do my best to work thru it. One day at a time...

 

Yes, I agree re: the marriage thing. I don't believe in today's society it's much needed. To me it's also a piece of paper, but I still have that "dream" of marrying that one person some day in life, where I feel it's so right. I did not feel that at my first wedding. Sadly, but true. I had a lot of doubts, but went thru it anyway. Very young...But we did the best we can, great memories, wonderful children. No regret.

 

You have a good head on your shoulders. I understand your GF's concerns re: "we will have respect in this house". She has been deeply scarred by her ex, and that is a HUGE trigger for her. And things are still fresh and raw for her, perhaps, esp since she is dealing with him, doesn't have enough separation from him? He will trigger her, everytime she sees him, has to deal with him. I know that is how it is for me. I'm sure you understand.

 

But she also has to compromise and understand her son's age and how he does not know how to express his anger, disappointment, sadness, confusion. Yes, he's probably modeling behavior of father. And he is also genetically his child, there will be personality similarities as well. Environment and personality - it's a balance. Are the kids in counseling now? My older son went for a while, while ex and I separated, and right after divorce. He was a very angry young man. It def helped. We even went with him, for a few sessions..."family counseling" if you will...

 

Also, in today's society, not that it's any excuse and shouldn't be dealt with, our kids are bombarded with a society, media, etc. that models disrespect, fewer boundaries than when we grew up. So much freedom of expression! Sure, that is a good thing, in a way. But our kids have lost respect for adults, us, authority, etc. Yes, it's our jobs to teach them respect in our home, but it must be SO confusing to them, to get mixed messages - from another parent (such as the douchebag you have to deal with) as well as friends, society, media, music, etc. So we have to be firm, yet understanding and compassionate. No yelling, harsh punishments, etc.

 

Hard, I know! I've raised three kids. Not easy! And not perfectly. And they are not perfect young adults, either. Just did the best I could. That's all you can do. Just try to be on the same page as your GF, with how you guys deal with him, the kids. That is KEY. Yes, her job right now, but at some point, yes, you will need to be a father figure to them, and be able to put in your opinion. You need to make sure you and her are on the same page re: handling these kinds of issues, how to discipline, speak with the kids. He is a young little boy, dealing with a lot of emotional stuff! We are adults - we can rationalize it. He cannot. Must remember that. Lots of hugs, attention, kisses, I love you's, all is going to be OK, etc.

 

Also, the dynamic of having just two kids, and one of each sex, is a HUGE part of it! There will be that sibling rivalry. Just the way it is, and you guys will have to work thru it the best you can! Some day, when they are older, hopefully they will "mesh" and come together more. I've seen that happen so many times. When younger, fought like cats and dogs! My friend's son SO mean to his little sister! Now it has faded away. He is 14 and she is 12. Much much better now! So have faith!

 

There is a lot going on - and he is just expressing it the only way he knows how. And he can't "take it out" on his mother, father, or you. So who does that leave? His sister of course. That is the "safest" place for his to release his confused feelings...

 

Just giving my opinion! :-)

 

Yes, I've accepted this loss of mine. I've accepted that the contact may be over for good. I have no expectations. With time, both people just move on with life. Sure he's thinking of me. As I am him. But that doesn't matter. We are not together. It ran its course. This is life and the nature of most relationships...especially these days. Some day I hope to find someone who will be healthy enough and have the tools to not quit. Where both of us want to fight for love, are grateful for all the great parts, willing to accept the challenging stuff, and each others faults. That is a mature relationship. TOGETHER, as a team. So rare these days!

 

Arizona is great! I just some ocean... ;-) Would miss that.

 

OK - have good weekend. Have a nice day with the kids. Hang in there!

 

M

 

 

Being busy is better than being idle. Curious as to what you are anxious about and hoping that it all turns out okay. Some forms of anxiety actually can be positive. Much easier when we do not have it. Perhaps the nature of it being a little analytical is meant to give us some sort of strength.

 

 

Great that you can look back on that marriage without total regret! Not an easy thing to do. All we can try to do is keep it all positive and proactive. Even when the most negative things try to bring us down. May the both of us continue to find this continual courage through one another.

 

 

She has to see him all the time. Every single time he picks up the kids on Wednesdays and then again on Friday. So that they can spend each weekend with him. Excellent point about enviornment and personality. Never even thought about the blend between the two. Totally has him even more behind the eight-ball already. The kids are not in counseling right now. He was for awhile but my better half did not like the therapist. We are contemplating putting him back in before we leave but then again worry he may get attached. Making it even more challenging to leave then it will already be. Happy to hear about your son! Family counseling is something we definitely will set up when we get out West. Not to mention the individual as well.

 

 

Another vaild point about society as well. Such a crock of crap that there is so much violence which is basically accepted yet we are still so taboo about sex. Kids do enjoy playing video games which promote excessive force as well. Freedom of expression needs to have certain boundaries when it comes to those who are young. Total mixed messages come forward to our children as those who care try to set them. Seems as if all is about extremes all the time and it does not make any sense to me. Yes, the times years ago were retroactive and so may were repressed. Does not necessarily mean that now it has to be a free-for-all. There is always that possibility of a little balance. I am sure that both of the adults in this house will be on the same exact page. It is the different book the kids will be getting from their father which will be where all the tension lies.

 

 

It sort of seems like her son is taking out on me as well. I suppose it just comes with the territory. Just need to relax and realize it is nothing personal. That he would be reacting like this regardless of who was actually here right now with his mom. This is what my other half tends to believe. I know it is likely true. Just hard since I am so sensitive at times is all. I wish all of this could go away. That there would have been no effects on the kids because of them still being so young. Even as stupid as it sounds. Her soon to be ex was with them long enough to have an influence. He still will continue to have one because there is always going to be that contact with him. At least till he perhaps drinks himself to death. We just need to at least try minimizing the contact they will have. Not to mention being that loving and stable figure. My girlfriend is going to try doing fun stuff with her son this week. Just the two of them. Hopefully, this personal time with her will bring him some much needed comfort and joy. Nothing that is worth it was ever easy though.

 

 

That 'rare' one is still out there for you! I really do believe that, Missy! Just a matter of meeting the right one and not settling. Also, not something you need to always focus on. Remember, I met my better half when not even looking! Around the time I was resigning myself to the fact that it was just not meant to be. I have a hunch that this is something that you have always wanted. Even after all of the negative specifics you have run into lately. All you are doing which is away from the thought of relationships can only continue to be beneficial. You are honestly going through so much each and every day. Make time for your own self and do things which bring happiness to you. There is so much more to you than only being someone's partner. This is true even should you find that soul who deserves your love. Please do not forget that important tidbit. You definitely do not need a man within your life or else! The hope is that someone out there will one day simply enhance it.

[DorothyGale]

Yes, DG - I am in the process of moving on, going thru a normal mourning period. No regrets. And I don't "hate" him. Just have some lingering anger, that is quite normal. After being with someone very deeply, for 10 months. Thought I'd found my best friend. It is good to reflect on a failed relationship, as long as you are doing it in a healthy way. I am analyzing his actions, behaviors, as well as my own. Thinking is a good thing. Mourning is a good thing. Venting and sharing is a good thing. Denying the pain, sadness, anger, just "moving on" and not reflecting...not healthy. I believe it will come back later and bite you on the ass. Or it can, depending on the person, and how they managed the break up, mourned, etc. It's a death in many ways. Well, if you truly loved that person, it is. Some people can just "move on", some cannot. Everyone handles loss in different ways.

 

I want to understand his behaviors, so I do not repeat the choice I made. To be more aware, moving forward. I don't care if he's a narcissist for HIM. I care for ME, so as not to repeat my choices, behaviors. I'm all about self reflection, self growth, personal responsibility.

 

I do not hate him. I have bouts of anger. It's only been month and half since break up. That's ok! I pity him actually. And sorry that he has unhealthy relationships in his life. But that is his choice to stay involved with those kinds of people. I choose not to. Hard balance between compassion, yet not being a doormat, just accept everyone's behavior, bc "lets have peace and love" all the time. That is not reality. "Do no harm, but take no ****". Good philosophy in my opinion. Again, everyone different in their philosophy or opinions, due to each persons own upbringing, experiences. I've had a hard life, no walk in the park. Yes, maybe it hardens you a bit, as well as softens you. Good balance, I believe...

 

And I hope and pray he has learned, and doesn't hurt another person, as he did me. Hopefully he is dealing with his deep issues, before involving another so deeply into his life, and his young children's lives... That is HIS responsibility. And yes, not my business anymore. But I'm human, was hurt. And cared for him, his kids. But I'm letting go... It's a process...

 

My guess is that he was probably very selfish and a bit abusive. Perhaps he didn't hit you (or maybe he did) but he probably shamed you. I know the type. He was probably charismatic and fun to be with at times, knew how to be romantic and say things you wanted to hear even it they weren't true.

 

It's hard to get over someone like that because they get you addicted to THEM. I can promise you this. From what you just told me I can bet you've already put tons of time in analyzing this man and every interaction you've had with him both good and bad. It is good to reflect but not to reflect excessively because then you sort of keep traumatizing yourself with his behavior. Whatever he did to you he will do to someone else. Maybe not the same way but essentially the same way.

 

You're lucky. You could move on. His kids can't. Not for a very long time and then they'll never really be OK. But you can get out for good.

[thekid36]

Agreed, Ian. I believe all these characteristics: Gaslighting, manipulating, selfishness, large ego, inability to have true empathy, etc. is all connected to those with addictive personalities. Sometimes that includes narcissism. They can all go hand in hand. SO immature and very sad.

 

I have grown, I am not perfect. But some people just on different journey, not "caught up" with us. I can't be with someone like that. I can be with someone with faults! Hello! No one is perfect. But as more time goes by, I'm realizing his true character. As much as he tried to hide it, or try to "prove" he's in recovery, doing all these great things. Yes, perhaps he's on his way. I do believe people can change! But ACTIONS and how you treat people is true definition of change.

 

He just wasn't ready for a commitment with me. He couldn't do it. Not able to. His choice. He can pull the "I'm so spiritual now, I'm going to therapy once a week, I'm doing yoga, keeping SO busy..." Funny - because I honestly think all these things he is doing, are just new "addictions", replacements and he is not getting any better. I could be wrong... I hope I am and someday he finds true peace and happiness within himself. And can relax, go with the flow. Not need to "prove" anything to anyone. Part of me thinks he's doing all this, to show, prove to his ex, he's changed. He bows to her, allows her to manipulate him. He tried to make it look like he was making new boundaries with her. He would tell me little things he was doing...But some big ones would come up. Her waltzing in the house, her bills still coming to the house, she got a new dog and expected him to take the dog when he has the kids. Which is 50% of the time. And he works FULL time. He won't say NO to her. Appeases her in little ways. Because he doesn't want to "hurt" her. Waaahhh, poor baby. Yeah, you frigin cheated on her. And with her best friend, had an affair with her! Which she doesn't even know about, to this day. Is still best friends with this person, and her husband. Disgusting. Who the hell does that??? Sick. That is crossing a HUGE boundary. I've done some stuff I'm not proud of, sure, but that??? So disrespectful and NO self control. I can't believe when he told me that, I didn't walk away. Shaking my head... Yes, LUST IS BLIND.

 

Give me a break. They are both sick. Whole family is sick. Glad to be away from that. No boundaries, respect. So weird. I've never met people like that in my life. GOODBYE !!!!! They can have it. He will NEVER have or take that separation from her! So this is how it's probably going to be for the rest of their lives. Good luck to the next GF. Maybe she will tolerate that. I know I wouldn't. And I knew he knew as well - at least he let me go. I'll give him that. He knows I'm better than that. He knows I have self love. He knows I deserve better. And he wasn't willing to make changes, to make me or us a priority. HIS CHOICE. Nothing I can do. I'm not changing anyone. Only myself. I am NO DOORMAT. Never again. Sure, I'm a giving person. But that has to be 50/50. No more giving way too much of myself, or falling at a man's feet. I've learned a HARD HARD lesson.

 

Thanks for listening...

 

Then again, at the end of the day all of these terms are only technical. This is what I am starting to realize. The key is that all of these behaviors are completely unacceptable. Not a way to treat those who you supposedly care about. The goal of most is no doubt to manipulate with selfish deceit. So easy to get drawn into the trap. Many will use charm and things like that to make us even more vulnerable. Especially those of us who try to see the good in others. All of us worthy ones on the outside need to not let these sad souls have this kind of control. We need to always analyze and reflect so as to take the control back. Or, not even let it go in the first place.

 

 

I am the furthest one from that perfection! Just always willing to work for what means the most to me. Effort truly does mean something with some and thus goes a little way toward trying to make things work. Even if they may not be initially doing so. The point is that there needs to be that want to initiate. Not only the desire to say a whole bunch of empty words. It really is all about fighting for what is most important. Cannot have any success if there is not that basic priority. So it is not only that there was the inability to commit right away. It was the whole lack of desire to really try. In relation to making what you had between you work. This is what I cannot even wrap my head around. Guess he just did not see what he had right under his nose. Even despite all of his past problems. Some guys will simply never get it. You would have given that man the world. He could not even fully give you any vulnerable part of his own self. All of what he is actually finding right now most likely continues to be both temporary and empty. He would have had a permanent and full life with you. It is his loss at the end of each and every day. Your life will now wander down a different path. One filled with much more happiness and heaps of health!

 

 

I definitely like listening to you. Have shared some of your intelligent insight with my other half and she is sort of impressed as well! Sort of amazing that such a full friendship can be found on such a place as this! The internet truly does bring people together who otherwise would never have a chance to cross paths. Hope this finds you smiling at least a little!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Missy0724]

I'm doing OK. Yes, doing some smiling today... :-)

 

I enjoy reading your thoughts and advice, opinions, too. It is great to share, swap stories. Yes, unconventional way, and all new to me, but I'll take it! lol

 

None of us can judge either, or say, "do this, or do that". Yes, we can give our opinion. But at the end of the day, only we know the situation, the person, the dynamics.

 

At my age, after MANY relationships, including a 20-year marriage, it is not the easiest thing to date. 1st, finding the time! I have a job, I'm a single mom, supporting myself, other responsibilities. And then, finding a decent man! It is tough out there! I live in a small town, very family orientated town. Not many men to meet! Just the way it is.

 

After meeting TONS of men from OLD, to find a spark, a connection with someone, is truly rare. It's only happened to me twice. But I guess twice, within three years, is pretty good...??? Have nothing to compare it to, I suppose.

 

Anyway, so the reason this is a hard loss for me, is probably because I've had a divorce, and unless you've been thru one, especially with kids...you cannot understand what that does to you, your self esteem, all the changes, the losses of SO many things. 20 years of family, friends, traditions, have to sell the family home, uproot kids, change your whole life. It's a pretty traumatic thing, so matter how it came about, who divorced who, etc.

 

So to get back into dating, after 20 years! And SO much has changed! Not easy, didn't quite know what I was doing, just doing my best.

 

This man and I connected. We truly did. I knew a lot about him, his flaws, his issues. He was open with me about much of it. He did not know all he was doing either, after a divorce himself. And scarred heavily by many things himself. I understand that.

 

I just loved him, in spite of all that, and believed we had something pretty damn strong, that we could work thru the issues. I wanted to be by his side, loving all of him. It is just how HE handled things, that tore us apart, made me push away, then in turn, he pushed away. It was a vicious circle.

 

I don't have all the answers. I guess I don't need them. Just so so hard when you finally open yourself up to love again, are vulnerable. After going thru a divorce...being alone. Wanting to start a new chapter of your life. And then you find someone who understands you. That he did. We both had troubled pasts. It was so great to have someone who accepted all of me. As time went by, his issues came to head even more, and were much more serious than I thought. That to took time to find out. He felt what he felt. Or didn't feel, for me. Nothing I can do.

 

Yes, I would have given him SO much. I know we could have shared a life together. I saw that. I saw in three years, once my kids all off on their own, us being together, moving together to a place we both really like (we talked about this), I could help him with his kids. I fell in love with his kids, as they were an extension of him. Sweet kids! We have SO much in common. And yes, many differences. But I was OK with that. As long as he loved me, made me feel I was a priority, that he did see a future with me. It came to a point, he didn't anymore. It just happened. It ran it's course. Sucks. Yes.

 

So frustrating!!! If he could just move past all his crap!!! We had that love, communication. But it just got all screwed up, because he so consumed by ex, his own issues, recovery program. I know we all have baggage! But I didn't want to hear about it, ALL THE TIME. What about US? That's what I wanted to concentrate on! Smile! Be happy! Laugh together!

 

But I couldn't. That damn ghost always in the room...That is why I'm angry. I hate that he is imprisoned. But that is his choice. I wish he had the strength to let it all go, and be so happy with me! And what we could have had! Planned and built an awesome life together! Such a shame he couldn't see that. Because he just wasn't there yet...And yes, I got upset with him about his issue with ex. I apologized for that. And that he couldn't talk to me about it more, hear me out, really communicate about it...that was a shame. He didn't fight for us. All he saw was me attacking him, so he shut down. Sorry I yelled! I was upset! It happens! I never called him any names, I never screamed. It was two or three times in 10 months! About this ONE issue that was hurting us!!! That was the worse thing that happened and he's going to walk away??? Glad I found out...He doesn't have the tools. Broke my heart, yes. Because I know he has it in him! I had faith in him! In us! We just needed more time...and he didn't want to give that to me, or us. Or really talk deeply about stuff. Hard for me, too! Not easy at all. I know my part.

 

Hard to imagine him with someone else right now. Yes, I should hope that for him. Be happy for him. Of course, deep down that is who I am. I am not an angry, mean, spiteful person. I love him. I'll always love him. Just still hard to imagine him someday loving someone else and having a life with someone else. I saw myself there. It is not every day you feel that way about someone. Pretty rare. For me, anyway. That is why so hard to let go...My head knows I have to. But my heart still hasn't caught up. It will in time. I know this. Everyone takes different time. Some people can get over it quickly, in weeks! Some people take months. Some years. Some never get over it. As many posts on here show!!! I shouldn't judge. I really shouldn't. Everyone on their own journey. It logically makes sense to just forget about it, it's over, move on. They don't want you. Find someone who does. But it's not always that easy... It is hard to have that hope sometimes. One day you do, then because you are still mourning, you have a bad day. And it's OK. Just ride the wave... :-) As long as in a healthy manner.

 

It is nice to have people who truly understand...Even new online "friends".

:-) I'm glad my words mean something to you, and you share with your GF. Hey, we all need all the advice, words of wisdom, different perspectives, we can get! It's all good! No matter the medium...

 

I am having a nice, relaxing Saturday filled with many different things. Little work, little relax, some errands, talk with friends, reading, long walk with the dog. A nice day...

 

Hope you are having a nice one as well... Be well.

[thekid36]

I'm doing OK. Yes, doing some smiling today... :-)

 

I enjoy reading your thoughts and advice, opinions, too. It is great to share, swap stories. Yes, unconventional way, and all new to me, but I'll take it! lol

 

None of us can judge either, or say, "do this, or do that". Yes, we can give our opinion. But at the end of the day, only we know the situation, the person, the dynamics.

 

At my age, after MANY relationships, including a 20-year marriage, it is not the easiest thing to date. 1st, finding the time! I have a job, I'm a single mom, supporting myself, other responsibilities. And then, finding a decent man! It is tough out there! I live in a small town, very family orientated town. Not many men to meet! Just the way it is.

 

After meeting TONS of men from OLD, to find a spark, a connection with someone, is truly rare. It's only happened to me twice. But I guess twice, within three years, is pretty good...??? Have nothing to compare it to, I suppose.

 

Anyway, so the reason this is a hard loss for me, is probably because I've had a divorce, and unless you've been thru one, especially with kids...you cannot understand what that does to you, your self esteem, all the changes, the losses of SO many things. 20 years of family, friends, traditions, have to sell the family home, uproot kids, change your whole life. It's a pretty traumatic thing, so matter how it came about, who divorced who, etc.

 

So to get back into dating, after 20 years! And SO much has changed! Not easy, didn't quite know what I was doing, just doing my best.

 

This man and I connected. We truly did. I knew a lot about him, his flaws, his issues. He was open with me about much of it. He did not know all he was doing either, after a divorce himself. And scarred heavily by many things himself. I understand that.

 

I just loved him, in spite of all that, and believed we had something pretty damn strong, that we could work thru the issues. I wanted to be by his side, loving all of him. It is just how HE handled things, that tore us apart, made me push away, then in turn, he pushed away. It was a vicious circle.

 

I don't have all the answers. I guess I don't need them. Just so so hard when you finally open yourself up to love again, are vulnerable. After going thru a divorce...being alone. Wanting to start a new chapter of your life. And then you find someone who understands you. That he did. We both had troubled pasts. It was so great to have someone who accepted all of me. As time went by, his issues came to head even more, and were much more serious than I thought. That to took time to find out. He felt what he felt. Or didn't feel, for me. Nothing I can do.

 

Yes, I would have given him SO much. I know we could have shared a life together. I saw that. I saw in three years, once my kids all off on their own, us being together, moving together to a place we both really like (we talked about this), I could help him with his kids. I fell in love with his kids, as they were an extension of him. Sweet kids! We have SO much in common. And yes, many differences. But I was OK with that. As long as he loved me, made me feel I was a priority, that he did see a future with me. It came to a point, he didn't anymore. It just happened. It ran it's course. Sucks. Yes.

 

So frustrating!!! If he could just move past all his crap!!! We had that love, communication. But it just got all screwed up, because he so consumed by ex, his own issues, recovery program. I know we all have baggage! But I didn't want to hear about it, ALL THE TIME. What about US? That's what I wanted to concentrate on! Smile! Be happy! Laugh together!

 

But I couldn't. That damn ghost always in the room...That is why I'm angry. I hate that he is imprisoned. But that is his choice. I wish he had the strength to let it all go, and be so happy with me! And what we could have had! Planned and built an awesome life together! Such a shame he couldn't see that. Because he just wasn't there yet...And yes, I got upset with him about his issue with ex. I apologized for that. And that he couldn't talk to me about it more, hear me out, really communicate about it...that was a shame. He didn't fight for us. All he saw was me attacking him, so he shut down. Sorry I yelled! I was upset! It happens! I never called him any names, I never screamed. It was two or three times in 10 months! About this ONE issue that was hurting us!!! That was the worse thing that happened and he's going to walk away??? Glad I found out...He doesn't have the tools. Broke my heart, yes. Because I know he has it in him! I had faith in him! In us! We just needed more time...and he didn't want to give that to me, or us. Or really talk deeply about stuff. Hard for me, too! Not easy at all. I know my part.

 

Hard to imagine him with someone else right now. Yes, I should hope that for him. Be happy for him. Of course, deep down that is who I am. I am not an angry, mean, spiteful person. I love him. I'll always love him. Just still hard to imagine him someday loving someone else and having a life with someone else. I saw myself there. It is not every day you feel that way about someone. Pretty rare. For me, anyway. That is why so hard to let go...My head knows I have to. But my heart still hasn't caught up. It will in time. I know this. Everyone takes different time. Some people can get over it quickly, in weeks! Some people take months. Some years. Some never get over it. As many posts on here show!!! I shouldn't judge. I really shouldn't. Everyone on their own journey. It logically makes sense to just forget about it, it's over, move on. They don't want you. Find someone who does. But it's not always that easy... It is hard to have that hope sometimes. One day you do, then because you are still mourning, you have a bad day. And it's OK. Just ride the wave... :-) As long as in a healthy manner.

 

It is nice to have people who truly understand...Even new online "friends".

:-) I'm glad my words mean something to you, and you share with your GF. Hey, we all need all the advice, words of wisdom, different perspectives, we can get! It's all good! No matter the medium...

 

I am having a nice, relaxing Saturday filled with many different things. Little work, little relax, some errands, talk with friends, reading, long walk with the dog. A nice day...

 

Hope you are having a nice one as well... Be well.

 

 

Okay is not ever good enough for you! Not in the grand scehme of things at least. I know that this is not the easiest time for you right now. Finding one thing a day to smile about may end up being the most beautiful gift you can give yourself. Not much good ever came out of what was totally normal. This is what both Aristotle and Wordsworth knew so well. Bought hard bound editions of each yesterday while we were at the bookstore. Both are from the Oxford University Press over in England. Seems as so many of the good books come from over there! Sad that bookstores are basically being erased.

 

 

I am always going to be here to give you the best advice possible. Yet, the final decisions are definitely always up to you. All in life is specific. We cannot generalize anything at all. I do realize that it must not have been easy changing everything you were familair with so quickly. Twenty years being with someone is such a long time! It is a total change of all you know. We tend to become comfortable within our environments rather quickly. Even those which may not be the best. This is why change is usually so challenging. No one who has never been within such negativity should judge. It tends to have an effect on you. Not easy to pick up and just take off. Even though the desire may be there. Way too many dynamics which are at play.

 

 

Change is not ever without challenges. So much lucid change in your life recently. Ones that you are still struggling with. I was suffering through my own issues right after every single one of my changes. This is why I am so against forcing anything at all which has to do with meeting someone. Does not mean it should not be allowed at all. There are just certain things which just need to happen naturally. Finding that initial spark even can be totally tough. I would think that the more we experience life, the better experienced we become. Sure, it is nice to find someone to have fun with. Great to have certain things in common. So important to fill our days with excitement with all the stress life throws our way. I love that my better half finds Seinfeld just as funny on her end. Things like that cannot help but make us smile.

 

 

It is also easy to get along with someone when all around us revolves around fun and games. It is much more of a challenge to figure out the not so fun times. This is when you know the person is most likely a keeper. It all has to do with being willing to work out what may not initially be there. Being willing to completely go that extra mile when it is a challenge to even take that very first step. This simply cannot ever exist with someone who cannot even really look outside of his own self. No matter how much you may have in common. No matter how amazing the sex may be. No matter how much you may care. I have a hunch that you will be even more aware of this going forward. Which means that all which has happened until now has been simply part of the whole. Circles continue to spin around without really ever getting anywhere. Not the most conducive shape when happiness is at stake.

 

 

No need to have all the answers right now. Better to take each question which comes up one step at a time. What matters most of all on your end is continuing to heal. Which is something you are doing one day at a time. On your own schedule and within the way which works best for you. Have to allow your heart the time to fully heal. You have to make your own story. Not the one which makes sense to anyone else. This is perhaps one of the most important lessons we will ever learn.

 

 

Ghosts are perhaps best left within all of those horror movies. He is definitely a prisoner of his own self. May be the most dangerous kind that there is. This is actually a line from my script as well. One which may hold some substance here. It is okay to think about the past. Okay for allowing it to be a part of you. Not okay to dwell on it so as to not be able to move past it. Fail seeing what may be basically right next to you. You fail recognizing the line which will always be trying to guide you forward. Back to those crazy circles again. My hope is that your life be filled with many other wonderful shapes.

[Missy0724]

You, my friend, are quite the poet.

 

You have a wonderful way with words. I do hope to hear more about your screenplay... :-)

 

I will be just fine on my journey. I accept and take it all. All the good, and all the bad. I know it all serves a purpose. And today is a gift and should not be taken for granted. I try to remember this, and moving forward, will do my best to put this into practice, in my days ahead... :-)

 

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Let go of the control and expectations. There we will find peace...within ourselves. So we are better for ourselves, and better for others...

 

I just watched The Birdcage. God, I love that movie. Thank you, Robin for making me laugh...and may you finally be at peace. What a man. It just shows you - you think someone has it all, money, fame, make others happy. Just couldn't make himself happy. :-( We MUST do that! Try our best!

 

I'm glad you guys laughing over Seinfeld. Yes, good stuff! Laughter really is the best medicine... You are lucky to have someone to share those laughs with...enjoy!!! :-)

 

M

[thekid36]

You, my friend, are quite the poet.

 

You have a wonderful way with words. I do hope to hear more about your screenplay... :-)

 

I will be just fine on my journey. I accept and take it all. All the good, and all the bad. I know it all serves a purpose. And today is a gift and should not be taken for granted. I try to remember this, and moving forward, will do my best to put this into practice, in my days ahead... :-)

 

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Let go of the control and expectations. There we will find peace...within ourselves. So we are better for ourselves, and better for others...

 

I just watched The Birdcage. God, I love that movie. Thank you, Robin for making me laugh...and may you finally be at peace. What a man. It just shows you - you think someone has it all, money, fame, make others happy. Just couldn't make himself happy. :-( We MUST do that! Try our best!

 

I'm glad you guys laughing over Seinfeld. Yes, good stuff! Laughter really is the best medicine... You are lucky to have someone to share those laughs with...enjoy!!! :-)

 

M

 

 

This may be the first thing I have not agreed with you about. I say little in a lot. They say a lot in so little. No way I am a poet! I do appreciate the shot-out even still. Words are a huge part of who I am. I will at least try to give you that! Must have got it from my Mom I am thinking. She was a very prolific writer. Still have some of her personal writing. One of my most cherished possessions. Sad that words are not appreciated as much these days. Within all the rushing there are always shortcuts. Too much texting and not enough actual communicating. Not that the short stuff does not have a place. Just would be nice to have more of that balance perhaps. Would love to share more with you about my screenplay. It is sort of semi-autobiographical. This will be something which is rather personal to me. Perhaps we can discuss this more through the private message feature on this site? Let me know if that would work on your end.

 

 

It is sad that so many are seemingly wizards of words. Ones who are not also afficionados of actions. At least not the ones which tend to match the scintillating speech. This is one of those things which drives me crazy. Don't pretend something just with the sole purpose to impress. Have some security within yourself and more respect for those souls you come across. I guess that would be too simple though.

 

 

You are a better poet than me with all this rhyming! History and mystery match well together. It is through a lack of expectation in which peace can come best. I suppose that is something that needs to be recognized on this end. Just so hard to accept even the possibility of being stuck here. I will work on it at least. Happiness needs to be cherished when we are lucky enough to come across it. So much going against it within this world. More crazy clashes out by St. Louis last night. I worry that we may never truly be at peace. I suppose this is why we need to find it within our own selves. Along with those who mean the most to us.

[Missy0724]

Good evening. Hope this finds you well. I had a nice, busy day. Taking next two days off for "me". :-) Taking off for the mountains, do some good hiking, camp one night. Sit around a fire, drink some wine out of a box, and contemplate this thing called, "life". :-) My sanctuary...

 

It is SO hard NOT to have expectations. It is hard to live that way. I know we are not supposed to, but there are times, where it's just not that easy, or life can not be so "unplanned". And I'm sorry, but if you are in a committed relationship, there are some things that are "expected".? Do you agree? I guess once again, it is that balance... Balance in all areas of our lives is such a good thing. Once we start "weighing" over to one side, or concentrating too much on one area of life, project, person, job, etc. - this is where we have problems. We must not put all our "eggs in one basket" so to speak. I think so anyway. Kind of like, give up one "addiction" and take on a new one. Even though you think it is "healthy". I don't know. Just thinking of people I know, who do this...

 

Yes, you are right. There is so much unrest in the world. I sometimes think, what is going to be going on in ten years? Twenty? Our poor kids, have to grow up in this world. But maybe it was the same when we were kids? Just not televised on 200 channels, the internet, SO much information at your fingertips, touch of a button. This young generation really knows what is going on around the globe! I surely did not in the 70's and 80's. Or maybe I just didn't care. Or was just not exposed to it, limited television, no computers, internet. What a different world, huh??? How much has changed in the last 20 years!

 

All this information and knowledge I think has led to a world full of anxious, depressed people. It is just too much information to carry in one's head. So many worries, stressors. Let alone in our own lives. But you are correct - we must keep the peace at home. As they say, "Charity begins at home." Here here! :-) And that should be our priority. I actually stopped watching the news about a year ago. Just too depressing. I read the Sunday paper from time to time. Or my kids will inform me of something, or a friend. I don't mind being disconnected. At least right now in my life. Works for me...Have enough to worry about!

 

I hope each day brings you closer to what you guys want, and whatever it takes, to protect those kids, keep them in a healthy environment. It must be SO frustrating. I just can't imagine. I hear your story. I hear others' stories. And I feel a bit guilty, bc I really should not complain! I have my issues with my ex, but he's a decent guy and decent father. Not the best by my standards, but no drinking, drugs, etc. I am thankful for that. And he remarried a woman who is OK, good person. As far as I know. I trust his judgment with that, so that is good.

 

Yes, sure, we should try the private message thing. I would love to hear more about your project. I am also a lover of the written word, that medium of expression. Yes, becoming a lost art in many ways... I have a hard time even listening to an audio book! I need to feel a book in my hand, turn the pages. But I don't think physical books will ever be obsolete. Let's hope not anyway! :-)

 

M

[thekid36]

Good evening. Hope this finds you well. I had a nice, busy day. Taking next two days off for "me". :-) Taking off for the mountains, do some good hiking, camp one night. Sit around a fire, drink some wine out of a box, and contemplate this thing called, "life". :-) My sanctuary...

 

It is SO hard NOT to have expectations. It is hard to live that way. I know we are not supposed to, but there are times, where it's just not that easy, or life can not be so "unplanned". And I'm sorry, but if you are in a committed relationship, there are some things that are "expected".? Do you agree? I guess once again, it is that balance... Balance in all areas of our lives is such a good thing. Once we start "weighing" over to one side, or concentrating too much on one area of life, project, person, job, etc. - this is where we have problems. We must not put all our "eggs in one basket" so to speak. I think so anyway. Kind of like, give up one "addiction" and take on a new one. Even though you think it is "healthy". I don't know. Just thinking of people I know, who do this...

 

Yes, you are right. There is so much unrest in the world. I sometimes think, what is going to be going on in ten years? Twenty? Our poor kids, have to grow up in this world. But maybe it was the same when we were kids? Just not televised on 200 channels, the internet, SO much information at your fingertips, touch of a button. This young generation really knows what is going on around the globe! I surely did not in the 70's and 80's. Or maybe I just didn't care. Or was just not exposed to it, limited television, no computers, internet. What a different world, huh??? How much has changed in the last 20 years!

 

All this information and knowledge I think has led to a world full of anxious, depressed people. It is just too much information to carry in one's head. So many worries, stressors. Let alone in our own lives. But you are correct - we must keep the peace at home. As they say, "Charity begins at home." Here here! :-) And that should be our priority. I actually stopped watching the news about a year ago. Just too depressing. I read the Sunday paper from time to time. Or my kids will inform me of something, or a friend. I don't mind being disconnected. At least right now in my life. Works for me...Have enough to worry about!

 

I hope each day brings you closer to what you guys want, and whatever it takes, to protect those kids, keep them in a healthy environment. It must be SO frustrating. I just can't imagine. I hear your story. I hear others' stories. And I feel a bit guilty, bc I really should not complain! I have my issues with my ex, but he's a decent guy and decent father. Not the best by my standards, but no drinking, drugs, etc. I am thankful for that. And he remarried a woman who is OK, good person. As far as I know. I trust his judgment with that, so that is good.

 

Yes, sure, we should try the private message thing. I would love to hear more about your project. I am also a lover of the written word, that medium of expression. Yes, becoming a lost art in many ways... I have a hard time even listening to an audio book! I need to feel a book in my hand, turn the pages. But I don't think physical books will ever be obsolete. Let's hope not anyway! :-)

 

M

 

 

Hi! Having a rather relaxing day on this end. Trying to make some sense of all that has been going on over in Ferguson. So as to get the word out that an extreme problem in this country does exist. Based on the way we look at those who are different. Regardless of what may come from this specific case. With all of the technology which should be advancing us forward. Seems as if for every step forward we somehow take two leaps back. I suppose it is like trying to talk to the wall in a way. Perhaps sort of simlair to the circles we were discussing yesterday.

 

 

I am so happy to hear that you will be relaxing! This cannot help but be a benefit to you. So much going on in your life that it is good that you will take time to rest. Not to mention a moment or two for your own self as well. This refreshing relaxation will only help you continue to be a terrific giver going forward.

 

 

Interesting that you bring up the topic of expectations. All of my experiences with it have honestly been totally negative. I think that it sets us up for probable disappointment. Much better to be happily surprised I suppose. I think that the word is also different than desire as well. I want to be there to help my better half all of the time. Not because it is expected of me, per-se. More that it is from my own volition which I give. Hope is also something which can be completely different as well. We may hope that one will react in a certain way. You might hope that a partner is there to always have your back. Can even decide to leave if she/he is repeatedly not. Perhaps not as strong though when put up against expectation.

 

 

I think that expectation can also be very unfair as well. My ex in-laws bought us a multi-thousand dollar house without a mortgage. Then, they expected us to kiss their ass and let them come in and dictate the decorations. My ex got incredibly pissed off when I told her that it should be up to only the two of us. Accused me of trying to sabotage her relationship with the parents and of not being grateful at all. She could not ever think for herself. One of many reasons she is now my ex. I would rather have someone not offer anything at all to me if it means that there is the expectation to automatically and swiftly return the favor. This is not the way I choose to live. We should do things out of our own volition and without any hidden agendas or crazy expectations. Just my own opinion on this complex matter is all.

 

 

Any sort of addiction cannot really be healthy. There truly does need to be that beautiful balance. There also needs to be a sense of priority. Those we care about should always be one of them. Though, it is also not healthy to be addicted to a person either. Reminded my girlfriend today that I simply love her and am not with her and here so as to fix it all. There truly is a difference.

 

 

The kids came home from being with their dad earlier this evening. My other half was in the bedroom reading to the kids. I was finishing my stromboli (if only everyone ate one each night then perhaps the world would be a little better of a place!) when her son came in and asked me to help tuck him in! He has never done that before. Her daughter always wants me to hug and kiss her right before bed. She actually asked me the other night if I would stay with them forever. Try not to cry too much to be honest. Hard to keep a dry eye with things like this. I am happily surprised that her son asked me this tonight. It is nothing that was expected at all. It sometimes makes me feel guilty for having such happiness when I know you ultimately want the same with someone. This is something I will be sensitive toward. I want to share my happy experiences with you in relation to my relationship. Yet, I also do not want to dwell on my own happiness at your expense. Do not want to become like your ex was right after the two of you broke up. Your friendship means so much to me. Friendship flourishes the most when it is mutual.

 

 

I will share with you more about my script tomorrow and in private. About to try getting some rest on this end. Busy day filled with bundles of grocery shopping and loads of laundry tomorrow. Try to help out a little bit extra on Monday because my better half works both Friday and Saturday nights. I like that she has the opportunity to rest more on the first day each week. She never got enough sleep with her ex because he was always proving himself to be unreliable. Hard to do it all on your own. Rest is rather important. Especially, when dealing with all we do.

[thekid36]

Hi! I have sent you two messages the past couple of days. Not sure if they have actually been received on that end. Let me know on here if you are not getting them and we'll go from there!

 

 

-Ian