Addictions and Narcassism?

August 3, 2014

:-) You and I seem very similar! I am a caregiver as well! I worked in the health field, also a teachers assistant. Yes, I have this behavior to help, care, make people feel better. I as well thought about going into the counseling, social work field. I get it. It is an admirable quality, we just need to keep it in check, and use it accordingly, with people who are not going to take advantage of us, try to treat us as doormats, use us for their selfish reasons. We need to find that balance of being selfish for US, while also being giving, loving people. To the right people!

It takes trial and error. We are humans and constantly growing and learning. We should be, any way! We will be on our death beds when we perhaps have it all figured out... :-)

Totally agree! We all have baggage! Funny, bc I've said that so many times: it's how we handle it, react, that makes all the difference. And we can't control or fix what others do, we can only control how we react to things! We choose! And are responsible for our reactions and choices. Always. Can't blame it on others, the past, etc. Sure, we all have weak moments and the "whoa is me", pity party. We all have feelings, get hurt, have bad days! But we have the power within us to get up, change our attitude, change our thought process. That is our power over our brain! The power of positive thought! Do the work...journal, vent, get therapy, get on some meds for awhile if needed, share, cry, fall apart...go thru the process. Then pull ourselves up, bc what is the other choice? Continue to suffer? For what?! That is self destruction. Blame others! Blame it on "addictions"? I know some people stronger than others. I have some compassion. But watching this man, learning about his history, his family, etc...he made choices that led to him becoming a heavy drinker, drug user, sex addict, cheated on wife, etc. No one held a gun to his head. And he didn't have some awful childhood! He lived a rich, over privileged life with no values taught, no respect for women, no boundaries. So he LEARNED it was ok to drink, sex with whomever he pleased, take what he wanted to fulfill his voids. With no concept of consequences or how his actions hurt others, his ex wife. Sorry, that's not addiction. That's being a selfish jerk, with no concept of respect. Sure we all make mistakes. But things that he did. You do something more than once, that's not a mistake! That's a choice! Especially when you are 40 years old!

Yuck. Can't believe I was so blind. But now I see... :-)

How sad it is that love is not enough. Also, that it could not be more true. He truly is a totally unhealthy individual. Staying with him would have held you back from so much happiness that is now bound to come your way. Being within a rather negative environment for a long period of time can be so blinding. It is much easier in a way to get comfortable. Since we are so used to it. This is when we tend to resign and settle. We both refuse to simply settle. Because of seeking the extraordinary.

This is then where that strength comes in once again. Sort of like all the abuse I went through as a child. It would have been less painful in the short term had I stayed and worked for the family business with my aunt and uncle who raised me. It is what all of their sons and daughters did. That is exactly what was expected. It also would have ended up killing who I am. That was simply not the life I was meant to live. What we end up getting through can only help make us stronger. I had to take a little extra abuse in the short term so as to make it better later on. Thus that marathon reference from earlier.

He cannot have loved the way which you deserve, Missy. It really is as simple as that at the end of the day. I suppose that part of me is a hopeless romantic. The key word there being hopeless! My mind does know it is not all there is. There are so many factors which cannot help but be involved. Hard for the heart and mind to be together. Does not make it any less important to try to get them on the same page. Or, at least within the same actual book!

We definitely do have some things in common. Being a person who gets more from giving than getting is not always easy. It is such a fine line to walk at times. So many times I have been taken advantage of. I tend to see the best in people. Even when there are flags all over the place. I also happen to thrive on colossal challenges. This has led to me being burned. I have learned through experience to be giving only toward those who appreciate it. I cannot change the entire world. Even as much as I may want to. All I can do is try to be a good person within my own little world. I also have learned to stop every once in awhile and take care of my own self. There is nothing selfish about it. The rest helps me be a better giver. Trial and error truly is the key. Perhaps you can relate to some of these same things.

I actually used to think that my baggage made me worthy of not being loved. That I was basically not worthy of being happy. I tried to escape my past instead of embrace it. This is another reason why I stayed with women longer than necessary. My uncle used to say to me when I was younger that no woman would ever really want me. A child will believe anything. Words last so much longer than being kicked down the stairs. It took me quite awhile to realize that my negative past has had such a positive impact on my life. I am able to appreciate so much more now because of it. It has made me so much more aware of how I treat people. That there is actually a world that exists outside of my own. Life is mostly about our interactions with others. I totally refuse to let my past define me. It just has helped make me a better person. I am not a better person than someone who cannot get past things. Even including your ex. Just different is all it really is. We all have to take responsibility for our own selves. Sad that this is not always the case.

One example of how my past has affected me. Liz, my bipolar ex, has a daughter who she had before we met. I always tried to treat her like my own. We had so much fun together and I have so many great memories. I had to leave so as for my own sanity. My ex was so sick and the environment was always going to be negative. All of her anger was always directed at me. I need to have much more positive within my walls. Liz was incredibly vindictive when I left. She basically made it seem as if it was all my fault. I was choosing to desert both her and my daughter. I have not been in contact with my that girl for years now. Because of my ex not wanting me to be. Hardest thing I have ever had to do. Having that contact ripped away so suddenly. Even more difficult to get over than all of the physical and emotional abuse of my aunt and uncle. Harder to get past than the early death of both parents. Sure, I could try to fight Liz and have contact with Jazmin. If not having contact is going to make it easier on Liz and Jazmin, that is what needs to be. Whether it is right or not. I made the conscious choice to leave. Our choices always have consequences. Life is not all about what is best for me. I have to try to find the right balance between being a giving person and taking time to care for my own self. I have without any doubt at all appreciated it and leanred this based on my past.

-Ian

August 3, 2014

Hey there... I understand what you saying. And thanks for the share... I am sorry for what you went through. Not easy, and no child should be treated like that. I'm so so sorry... :-( But sounds like you have taken that and turned it around for good. I respect you for that! That is the miracle, and you should also be so proud of yourself! When our parents or close family hurts us, that is such pain and frustration.

I am also from abusive childhood. Mostly emotional and some physical. So I really see where you are coming from. Also have sisters who have some mental illness, and they have been so cruel to me and other family members. They are dead to me in a way; we have no relationship. I had to cut them out of my life. So difficult and sad. Unless another has been thru that kind of pain, they have no idea...

Yes, it does affect us! I'm lucky, too, that it affected me in a positive way. I am a very compassionate, understanding person. Especially with others who have come from a troubled past. The difference is, like you, it's hard for me to respect grown adults who are still trapped in their past, blaming others, especially for their actions and unhealthy decisions. But people do that everyday... It's our choice who we want to surround ourselves with. And learning how to say, NO. Takes time to learn that, yes. I was a doormat for so many years, because of my upbringing, no emotional support or affection, no praise, etc. This led to shyness, shame, felt unworthy, unlovable. And yes, I entered into many unhealthy relationships. Thank god I had amazing friends when I was young, who did teach me about healthy love. I do have a guardian angel... :-)

There are two types of people: people who "get it" and those who don't. And those who get trapped in that feeling of helplessness, so they stay there, it's all they know. Change is SO hard for some people. I get that. But only they can make the changes. As the saying goes, "Change does not occur until the pain of not changing becomes too great".

And yes, some people have mental illness. But they need to get help, take help! But that is hard...I know. We tried and tried to get help for my sister, but of course all you get is, "It's you, NOT me" routine. They don't know, can't see they are so sick. Very sad. All we can do is try. Then walk away when we are being abused or hurt. No one deserves that kind of treatment.

We can try to help all we can, but until they take steps to help themselves...nothing we can do. The same goes for addictions, alcohol abuse, etc. They have to hit rock bottom, before they can climb out. Sucks, but reality. Hard to see and watch people you care about, hurt themselves and others. But not our responsibility. We are responsible for ourselves, and if we have kids, them until they are 18.

I'm sorry you lost a "daughter" in your break up. That has to be SO SO painful. Esp because that person might not understand things, or are brainwashed by biological parent. I'm so sorry about that... I've seen it happen so many times. Just have faith that maybe some day she will reach out to you? Don't have expectations, but it can happen. When the day comes and she maybe understands, gets some clarity. I hope that for you. I have lost four nieces and nephews because of my sisters' sickness and brainwashing, lies. My parents lost grandchildren. So wrong. I miss them but can't have contact, bc if I do (I tried and paid the price) my sister will lash out at them first (emotionally abuse) and then at me. I can take it, but I won't do that to her kids... So I do nothing. Same-no contact. I am hoping someday when they are 15 or 16, they figure out the truth about their mother, and reach out to us. So they know we never stopped loving them, or caring. But one day at a time. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about that.

Just your words brought that up for me...Yes, we all have our stories and dysfunction, don't we? :-) There is no perfection. We just do the best we can, with the tools we have...

You are doing the right thing by not having contact with your ex or J. I know it hurts. But you don't have a choice. You know this person, your ex. You know if you reach out, it will be a s*it storm, and J will suffer, as you will. So you are keeping the peace. Think of it like that. Better for everyone, yes. Hard to walk away from those innocent people... I also met my exes kids. They were amazing and I instantly fell in love with them. :-( Thank god I didn't spend extensive time with them. I am grateful for that. OMG, I would be even more devastated now! I am sad for them. They met me, then next day, poof, I'm gone. But it's for the best, yes.

Loss sucks. But this is life. And it's going to happen again...just the way the cookie crumbles.

I'm sorry for the loss of your parents. I lost my mom to cancer 10 years ago and now my dad has cancer, too. Don't know yet how much time he has left. Will find out in next couple of weeks I think. Not easy. Just don't want him to be in pain. This is another emotional thing that has been weighing on me. Watched my mother die and now I have to go thru it again. Probably why I so emotional last couple of months and added to the stress in my relationship. I'm not blaming my behaviors on that, but honestly when I get triggered, stressed, it comes out in the wrong ways sometimes, I'm too impulsive, say the wrong things, etc. A fault I'm working on... :-) We all have 'em!

OK - I hope you have a nice day. I hope we all can think positively today and look at the good things in our lives! And focus on that. Focus on what we CAN do, what we CAN change, not what we can't. And let sleeping dogs lie...

That is the best we can do. And that is OK.

- M

August 3, 2014

Hey there... I understand what you saying. And thanks for the share... I am sorry for what you went through. Not easy, and no child should be treated like that. I'm so so sorry... :-( But sounds like you have taken that and turned it around for good. I respect you for that! That is the miracle, and you should also be so proud of yourself! When our parents or close family hurts us, that is such pain and frustration.

I am also from abusive childhood. Mostly emotional and some physical. So I really see where you are coming from. Also have sisters who have some mental illness, and they have been so cruel to me and other family members. They are dead to me in a way; we have no relationship. I had to cut them out of my life. So difficult and sad. Unless another has been thru that kind of pain, they have no idea...

Yes, it does affect us! I'm lucky, too, that it affected me in a positive way. I am a very compassionate, understanding person. Especially with others who have come from a troubled past. The difference is, like you, it's hard for me to respect grown adults who are still trapped in their past, blaming others, especially for their actions and unhealthy decisions. But people do that everyday... It's our choice who we want to surround ourselves with. And learning how to say, NO. Takes time to learn that, yes. I was a doormat for so many years, because of my upbringing, no emotional support or affection, no praise, etc. This led to shyness, shame, felt unworthy, unlovable. And yes, I entered into many unhealthy relationships. Thank god I had amazing friends when I was young, who did teach me about healthy love. I do have a guardian angel... :-)

There are two types of people: people who "get it" and those who don't. And those who get trapped in that feeling of helplessness, so they stay there, it's all they know. Change is SO hard for some people. I get that. But only they can make the changes. As the saying goes, "Change does not occur until the pain of not changing becomes too great".

And yes, some people have mental illness. But they need to get help, take help! But that is hard...I know. We tried and tried to get help for my sister, but of course all you get is, "It's you, NOT me" routine. They don't know, can't see they are so sick. Very sad. All we can do is try. Then walk away when we are being abused or hurt. No one deserves that kind of treatment.
We can try to help all we can, but until they take steps to help themselves...nothing we can do. The same goes for addictions, alcohol abuse, etc. They have to hit rock bottom, before they can climb out. Sucks, but reality. Hard to see and watch people you care about, hurt themselves and others. But not our responsibility. We are responsible for ourselves, and if we have kids, them until they are 18.

I'm sorry you lost a "daughter" in your break up. That has to be SO SO painful. Esp because that person might not understand things, or are brainwashed by biological parent. I'm so sorry about that... I've seen it happen so many times. Just have faith that maybe some day she will reach out to you? Don't have expectations, but it can happen. When the day comes and she maybe understands, gets some clarity. I hope that for you. I have lost four nieces and nephews because of my sisters' sickness and brainwashing, lies. My parents lost grandchildren. So wrong. I miss them but can't have contact, bc if I do (I tried and paid the price) my sister will lash out at them first (emotionally abuse) and then at me. I can take it, but I won't do that to her kids... So I do nothing. Same-no contact. I am hoping someday when they are 15 or 16, they figure out the truth about their mother, and reach out to us. So they know we never stopped loving them, or caring. But one day at a time. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about that.

Just your words brought that up for me...Yes, we all have our stories and dysfunction, don't we? :-) There is no perfection. We just do the best we can, with the tools we have...

You are doing the right thing by not having contact with your ex or J. I know it hurts. But you don't have a choice. You know this person, your ex. You know if you reach out, it will be a s*it storm, and J will suffer, as you will. So you are keeping the peace. Think of it like that. Better for everyone, yes. Hard to walk away from those innocent people... I also met my exes kids. They were amazing and I instantly fell in love with them. :-( Thank god I didn't spend extensive time with them. I am grateful for that. OMG, I would be even more devastated now! I am sad for them. They met me, then next day, poof, I'm gone. But it's for the best, yes.

Loss sucks. But this is life. And it's going to happen again...just the way the cookie crumbles.

I'm sorry for the loss of your parents. I lost my mom to cancer 10 years ago and now my dad has cancer, too. Don't know yet how much time he has left. Will find out in next couple of weeks I think. Not easy. Just don't want him to be in pain. This is another emotional thing that has been weighing on me. Watched my mother die and now I have to go thru it again. Probably why I so emotional last couple of months and added to the stress in my relationship. I'm not blaming my behaviors on that, but honestly when I get triggered, stressed, it comes out in the wrong ways sometimes, I'm too impulsive, say the wrong things, etc. A fault I'm working on... :-) We all have 'em!

OK - I hope you have a nice day. I hope we all can think positively today and look at the good things in our lives! And focus on that. Focus on what we CAN do, what we CAN change, not what we can't. And let sleeping dogs lie...
That is the best we can do. And that is OK.

- M

Hi! Sorry to hear of your own childhood traumas. I did not initially mean to share so much. What I said about my past does not even have anything to do with intimate relationships at all. I just thought it might help you get some more insight. So that you can see where I am coming from on this end. My aunt and uncle were just mad because of having to take care of me. It was in my mom's will and they simply felt obligated. Feeling obligated to take care of someone is not the best way to interact. It led to much of the abuse. I just knew there had to be something outside of that world. Even though I did not have any actual other experiences. It took me awhile getting where I am today because of having to figure it all out on my own. We just have to take care of our own selves when push really comes to shove.

Part of me still feels guilty for not being closer to all of them. My aunt and uncle are no longer alive and I was not in contact with them for years. Too much negativity at the end of the day and so many horrible memories. I could not find it in me to stay in touch. There is just something so final about death. Just another reason why we need to make the most of each and every moment. This is what you need to keep doing now that you are no longer being controlled by a situation which was not the best. Enjoy each and every moment with your dad (who is in my thoughts) and all of those who mean the most to you.

There is definitely a lot of definitive baggage which I carry. It had usually been a red-flag for anyone with me. I am just lucky enough now to be with someone who loves me unconditionally. I have been with women who would have given me this. The spark simply has to go both ways. She comes from a troubled past as well. It helps someone relate slightly more. It is not a harsh past which should make us dismiss a possible partner. It's not being able to get over it and using this as a crutch.

I love that terrific quote about change. The past does not have to be who we are. Not unless we choose to make it that way. It can actually have a very positive impact on us. We are both better for not allowing the negativity of those family members to surround us. Better to fill our lives with positive people who care for us. Whether they are family or friends. It takes a really special person to realize that all situations are specific. No real rules as to what is best and what works out all the time. We each need to make our own paths.

One of the most difficult things for me Missy was watching my ex hurt herself. I would plead with her to go back on the medications. The ones she would go off of without permission from her doctor. She would then proceed to cut herself. So hard to see someone you care about go through something like that. I then got to the point where there was much less pleading. Felt responsible for staying with her. It took me a long time to realize that nothing I could say or do would help. She was not willing or ready to help her own self.

So hard not to think of the kids. When anything does not work out between those in a relationship. They are always so innocent. Part of me stayed for so long because of feeling responsible for Jasmine. Her dad was never involved and I felt she needed a positve male role model. How much I then loved that child. I finally realized that love means having to sometimes simply let go. She is so much better off without that negative around. Staying with someone simply because of a child does not always come with the best solution. Even though that sounds sort of harsh. Leaving was perhaps the best gift I could ever give to her.

August 4, 2014

Hi again. Your words hit home for me, SO much. They are making me do a lot of thinking. That is a good thing...

I understand about carrying our pasts with us. It is just reality that our pasts, especially our relationships with our early caregivers, molds us, especially emotionally. This is just what happens psychologically. Those early relationships are what teaches us about connection, love, trust, intimacy, etc. If we do not get those things as babies/youngsters, it's been proven it molds our emotional well being, or lack of.

And yes, some people carry it heavily, while others know how to lessen the load, so to say. That is where personality comes into place. There are two types of people: strong people and weak people. Like you said, some let their pasts interfere too much with their lives or attitude. I come from a very screwed up family. I could have used that excuse my whole life for things I did (nothing major) or mistakes I made. But for some reason, I never did. I felt shame, I had a conscious. I knew right from wrong. As dysfunctional as things were, I have to thank my parents (step mother the most) for teaching us right from wrong and making us go to church. I'm not religious now, very spiritual. But going to church and having that outlet, definitely made a difference and probably "saved" me in some ways. Met good people, great teen group, etc. A safe place to go...bc didn't have too many of those...

My parents divorced when I a baby. I wasn't even supposed to be born. I was a last attempt to "save the marriage" or my mother was trying to "trap" my father. Well, he left when I was born. Didn't even come to see me in hospital. It's been a journey to accept that I was unwanted.

So I was living with my mother and alcoholic step father. Father had visitation: the typical once a week deal. He remarried. He and my stepmother were beginning their new life. She much younger and was thinking about having a child with him, her new husband.

Well, my mother decides she can't keep us, doesn't want us, bc she can't afford us. All the money going to step fathers drinking, and who knows what else. We were living near poverty. At one point, on the streets, in a half way house. My father did not know this. He found out thru another family member. My mother even at one point split the kids up and sent us off to stay with other families whenever she wanted a "break". I believe she was even considering putting us up for adoption.

My father found all this out and had no option but to do the right thing. He took us. My mother gave us up 100% and freely. It was not what my father wanted, and surely not what his new, young wife wanted! She thought it was going to be visitation with these step kids, but we would be with our mother most of the time. BIG SHOCK to her. But what was she going to do??? Like your aunt and uncle, they did the right thing. They couldn't watch us in those conditions with an unfit mother, or sent off to foster homes...

My stepmother was thrown into this situation - instant full time mother at age 20 something! To kids not her own! My dad had to quit his job which was very involved, and take something else. My stepmother wanted to leave, divorce him. (I recently found out about much of this - as my stepmother and I become closer and talk about our pasts, do some healing...)

They decided because they now had us full time, they could not bring another child into the world, could not afford it. So my stepmother had to give up her dream to have her own child. :-(

So like you - I was raised by two people who did the best they could, but were angry, resentful, not prepared, etc. They kept quiet, raised us, but it was not a happy, healthy environment. She was angry and took it out on us. She did not know how to discipline. She yelled, got physical, ignored, very very strict rules, etc. And my dad just sat on the sidelines, not knowing what to do. Very emotionally detached. He's like that anyway. We think he has Aspberger's. We never got hugged, touched, praised, talk about stuff, feelings, "how was your day"? etc. Nothing. Just told what to do, get chores done, lists of what to do, so much structure. The whole, "do not speak until spoken to" philosophy. It sucked. But thank god I was born with a fighting personality, a spark of humor, and a best friend who I've had since I was 10. She saved me, and got me thru those tough teenage years... But it wasn't easy.

I understand now, my parents position and how they were forced into that. But hey, my dad decided to have kids... Yes, the situation changed drastically, in a way he or my step mom never expected. They never thought a mother would give up her kids! But she did! And they did the best they could. Neither one of them had the tools to be parents.

So I totally understand your story, Ian. I've been there. Details are a bit different, but same story. I know a lot of people have this story...we are never alone!

Yes, the key has been to deal with it, talk about it. Like I said, my step mom and I have had some deep conversations about the past. I've been honest with her and told her how things hurt me. She's apologized and explained her position, where she was as a young 20-year old, just married, thrown into a situation she had no idea was going to happen! She stuck it out. She didn't walk. It was imperfect. I have forgiven her. And my dad. My mother? She has passed, so yes, I have had to accept her choices. But will never understand it. She did have some mental health issues, so I lean on that. I am a mother and I CANNOT imagine giving up my kids. My kids are my world. But yes, it's all situational...

I am sure my "daddy issues" carried into my male relationships and others as well. I was always in a relationship, since I was 16. Not many breaks in between. Married young. To a man I'm not sure I really loved. I guess I did, but I loved him the best I could, as a young 20 something. But I know it wasn't a completely healthy love. For many reasons; on me, and also him. I choose the wrong person, was too young and immature, not ready to stay married. But we had kids and we made it work. For 20 years! I stayed for a long time, just for the kids and bc I was afraid of change, or what people would think. Everyone thought we had the best marriage. But lots of issues...Could write a book! :-)

Anyway - yes, our pasts define us in some ways. I think the difference is admitting that, accepting that, understanding it. Not brushing it under the rug, act like we grew up with the "white picket fence"... And certainly not blaming our past, or parents for our choices or mistakes! I have two sisters who do this to this day! And they are close to 50 years old! So sad. But my parents divorce and our upbringing obviously deeply scarred them. And they are of a different personality. Weak. They continue to live in the past and blame...and cannot climb out. It's affected a lot of people. But their choice. And my other family members just choose to not have contact with them. Best for everyone, yes.

I know I connected with my recent ex because of his troubled past. I am attracted to that and connect to people with a "story". Because I have one...You know what I mean.

But he led me to believe in the beginning that he was good, yes some issues, but all under control. It took time to see that that is not the case. We were in our "honeymoon" phase, so he pushed all that stuff out of the way, out of his mind for awhile. But of course it all reared it's ugly head. Especially when I would question him. He did not like that. It sucked, bc he told me he wanted to share, trust, get more intimate with me.

But then when he could tell me these things, I backed away. He has hurt a lot of people. He made a lot of bad choices. I know we all have, but I just couldn't accept that. He told me a lot of things I just not comfortable with. I couldn't understand why he would do the things he did...I guess I tried to understand, but I really couldn't. I guess I judged him. I feel badly about that. But I just couldn't wrap my head around the severe cheating on his ex wife (when he had little kids), his heavy drinking, drugs, sex addition... and especially the fact that he not over his ex.

And him "blaming" his upbringing on his addictions, choices, intimacy issues. I kind of understand, but as a grown man, and choosing to be in a relationship with me, I didn't want to focus so much on all that stuff. I wanted to focus on US, our relationship. I was ready to do that. Sure, I talk about my past, too, and bit*ched about my ex, divorce, etc. But I would do it if something specific happened, like my ex being a douche with our kids or something... Not bc I'm still in love with him or dredging up the past... It got to be too overwhelming for me. And I pulled away. I know this. And hence, so did he. So we couldn't trust each other any more. There was just too much, "whoa is me" stuff. And I could see him struggling with it, daily. He so distracted, uptight, not relaxed, hard to joke around with him, be sarcastic, etc. He too sensitive and got offended so easily. Not what I'm used to.

Then he seemed like he wanted space, to work thru his "stuff". I happily gave that to him! But once he did that, I lost him. He drifted away. I will never know if it's because he met someone else, and he lied to me. I just don't know. As a love and sex addict, that happens. Once you don't give them all the attention or reassurance they need, they stray. I just can't be with someone like that. I tried for so long to try to understand, accept it, but I just couldn't...

So yes, it would have never worked. Too much baggage and emotional stuff on his plate. His choice. I just have to let it go. And pray for him, that some day he is healthy. I just don't know. I just know it's for the best we parted. And I'm better off alone right now anyway. Get my own crap together. Take a break from relationships! lol I cannot and will not get into a rebound. Done that a couple of times, and perhaps this time, as well. It was doomed from the get go. I should have walked away much earlier. Or probably after the first date when he told me he was an addict. But I saw something in him. I gave him a change. I gave us a chance. I tried to love him the best I could. But it just couldn't work. So hard to accept that. But I'm on my way. The NC is def helping, and I'm so glad I'm being strong and not reaching out. And he isn't either. It's so bizarre to go from talking to someone EVERY day for 10 months, to nothing. A huge loss and void. Yes, like a death. I am mourning this harder than the death of my own mother...

Time heals all wounds. If we allow it to, and do the work, find understanding and acceptance that we are all imperfect and love imperfectly, exhale, leave the anger behind, have pity for others, find compassion. That is what I'm trying to do. For myself, and for him. And for that person who I hope to cross paths with someday...he deserves the best of me! And vice versa! I have hope and faith... :-)

- M

August 4, 2014

Here I am venting and sharing with a complete stranger! Talk about boundary issues! lol

You know what hurts the most? This man I loved, in spite of all his flaws, and maybe we just needed more time...gave up on us. He broke up with me. I devastated but understood why and didn't ask him to change his mind. I really wanted to try to be friends. Bc that was what we were best as. Week after we broke up, I found out some things about my past, and my father prob dying from cancer. I so upset, I called him. I needed him as a friend. I was in the worse place I'd been in years. And he choose not to be there for me. He too wrapped up in his own moving forward. I was in so much pain. And he basically ignored me. Never called back again to see how I was doing, and my dad. This was after we agreed to stay friends. And he just dropped me. Yes, we broken up, but we'd been talking and things were ok. I really needed him, and he let me down. Big time. That was it for me, so shocked and hurt. That is how it ended. Last I heard from him. Nice, huh?

August 4, 2014

Hi again. Your words hit home for me, SO much. They are making me do a lot of thinking. That is a good thing...

I understand about carrying our pasts with us. It is just reality that our pasts, especially our relationships with our early caregivers, molds us, especially emotionally. This is just what happens psychologically. Those early relationships are what teaches us about connection, love, trust, intimacy, etc. If we do not get those things as babies/youngsters, it's been proven it molds our emotional well being, or lack of.

And yes, some people carry it heavily, while others know how to lessen the load, so to say. That is where personality comes into place. There are two types of people: strong people and weak people. Like you said, some let their pasts interfere too much with their lives or attitude. I come from a very screwed up family. I could have used that excuse my whole life for things I did (nothing major) or mistakes I made. But for some reason, I never did. I felt shame, I had a conscious. I knew right from wrong. As dysfunctional as things were, I have to thank my parents (step mother the most) for teaching us right from wrong and making us go to church. I'm not religious now, very spiritual. But going to church and having that outlet, definitely made a difference and probably "saved" me in some ways. Met good people, great teen group, etc. A safe place to go...bc didn't have too many of those...

My parents divorced when I a baby. I wasn't even supposed to be born. I was a last attempt to "save the marriage" or my mother was trying to "trap" my father. Well, he left when I was born. Didn't even come to see me in hospital. It's been a journey to accept that I was unwanted.

So I was living with my mother and alcoholic step father. Father had visitation: the typical once a week deal. He remarried. He and my stepmother were beginning their new life. She much younger and was thinking about having a child with him, her new husband.

Well, my mother decides she can't keep us, doesn't want us, bc she can't afford us. All the money going to step fathers drinking, and who knows what else. We were living near poverty. At one point, on the streets, in a half way house. My father did not know this. He found out thru another family member. My mother even at one point split the kids up and sent us off to stay with other families whenever she wanted a "break". I believe she was even considering putting us up for adoption.

My father found all this out and had no option but to do the right thing. He took us. My mother gave us up 100% and freely. It was not what my father wanted, and surely not what his new, young wife wanted! She thought it was going to be visitation with these step kids, but we would be with our mother most of the time. BIG SHOCK to her. But what was she going to do??? Like your aunt and uncle, they did the right thing. They couldn't watch us in those conditions with an unfit mother, or sent off to foster homes...

My stepmother was thrown into this situation - instant full time mother at age 20 something! To kids not her own! My dad had to quit his job which was very involved, and take something else. My stepmother wanted to leave, divorce him. (I recently found out about much of this - as my stepmother and I become closer and talk about our pasts, do some healing...)

They decided because they now had us full time, they could not bring another child into the world, could not afford it. So my stepmother had to give up her dream to have her own child. :-(

So like you - I was raised by two people who did the best they could, but were angry, resentful, not prepared, etc. They kept quiet, raised us, but it was not a happy, healthy environment. She was angry and took it out on us. She did not know how to discipline. She yelled, got physical, ignored, very very strict rules, etc. And my dad just sat on the sidelines, not knowing what to do. Very emotionally detached. He's like that anyway. We think he has Aspberger's. We never got hugged, touched, praised, talk about stuff, feelings, "how was your day"? etc. Nothing. Just told what to do, get chores done, lists of what to do, so much structure. The whole, "do not speak until spoken to" philosophy. It sucked. But thank god I was born with a fighting personality, a spark of humor, and a best friend who I've had since I was 10. She saved me, and got me thru those tough teenage years... But it wasn't easy.

I understand now, my parents position and how they were forced into that. But hey, my dad decided to have kids... Yes, the situation changed drastically, in a way he or my step mom never expected. They never thought a mother would give up her kids! But she did! And they did the best they could. Neither one of them had the tools to be parents.

So I totally understand your story, Ian. I've been there. Details are a bit different, but same story. I know a lot of people have this story...we are never alone!

Yes, the key has been to deal with it, talk about it. Like I said, my step mom and I have had some deep conversations about the past. I've been honest with her and told her how things hurt me. She's apologized and explained her position, where she was as a young 20-year old, just married, thrown into a situation she had no idea was going to happen! She stuck it out. She didn't walk. It was imperfect. I have forgiven her. And my dad. My mother? She has passed, so yes, I have had to accept her choices. But will never understand it. She did have some mental health issues, so I lean on that. I am a mother and I CANNOT imagine giving up my kids. My kids are my world. But yes, it's all situational...

I am sure my "daddy issues" carried into my male relationships and others as well. I was always in a relationship, since I was 16. Not many breaks in between. Married young. To a man I'm not sure I really loved. I guess I did, but I loved him the best I could, as a young 20 something. But I know it wasn't a completely healthy love. For many reasons; on me, and also him. I choose the wrong person, was too young and immature, not ready to stay married. But we had kids and we made it work. For 20 years! I stayed for a long time, just for the kids and bc I was afraid of change, or what people would think. Everyone thought we had the best marriage. But lots of issues...Could write a book! :-)

Anyway - yes, our pasts define us in some ways. I think the difference is admitting that, accepting that, understanding it. Not brushing it under the rug, act like we grew up with the "white picket fence"... And certainly not blaming our past, or parents for our choices or mistakes! I have two sisters who do this to this day! And they are close to 50 years old! So sad. But my parents divorce and our upbringing obviously deeply scarred them. And they are of a different personality. Weak. They continue to live in the past and blame...and cannot climb out. It's affected a lot of people. But their choice. And my other family members just choose to not have contact with them. Best for everyone, yes.

I know I connected with my recent ex because of his troubled past. I am attracted to that and connect to people with a "story". Because I have one...You know what I mean.

But he led me to believe in the beginning that he was good, yes some issues, but all under control. It took time to see that that is not the case. We were in our "honeymoon" phase, so he pushed all that stuff out of the way, out of his mind for awhile. But of course it all reared it's ugly head. Especially when I would question him. He did not like that. It sucked, bc he told me he wanted to share, trust, get more intimate with me.

But then when he could tell me these things, I backed away. He has hurt a lot of people. He made a lot of bad choices. I know we all have, but I just couldn't accept that. He told me a lot of things I just not comfortable with. I couldn't understand why he would do the things he did...I guess I tried to understand, but I really couldn't. I guess I judged him. I feel badly about that. But I just couldn't wrap my head around the severe cheating on his ex wife (when he had little kids), his heavy drinking, drugs, sex addition... and especially the fact that he not over his ex.

And him "blaming" his upbringing on his addictions, choices, intimacy issues. I kind of understand, but as a grown man, and choosing to be in a relationship with me, I didn't want to focus so much on all that stuff. I wanted to focus on US, our relationship. I was ready to do that. Sure, I talk about my past, too, and bit*ched about my ex, divorce, etc. But I would do it if something specific happened, like my ex being a douche with our kids or something... Not bc I'm still in love with him or dredging up the past... It got to be too overwhelming for me. And I pulled away. I know this. And hence, so did he. So we couldn't trust each other any more. There was just too much, "whoa is me" stuff. And I could see him struggling with it, daily. He so distracted, uptight, not relaxed, hard to joke around with him, be sarcastic, etc. He too sensitive and got offended so easily. Not what I'm used to.

Then he seemed like he wanted space, to work thru his "stuff". I happily gave that to him! But once he did that, I lost him. He drifted away. I will never know if it's because he met someone else, and he lied to me. I just don't know. As a love and sex addict, that happens. Once you don't give them all the attention or reassurance they need, they stray. I just can't be with someone like that. I tried for so long to try to understand, accept it, but I just couldn't...

So yes, it would have never worked. Too much baggage and emotional stuff on his plate. His choice. I just have to let it go. And pray for him, that some day he is healthy. I just don't know. I just know it's for the best we parted. And I'm better off alone right now anyway. Get my own crap together. Take a break from relationships! lol I cannot and will not get into a rebound. Done that a couple of times, and perhaps this time, as well. It was doomed from the get go. I should have walked away much earlier. Or probably after the first date when he told me he was an addict. But I saw something in him. I gave him a change. I gave us a chance. I tried to love him the best I could. But it just couldn't work. So hard to accept that. But I'm on my way. The NC is def helping, and I'm so glad I'm being strong and not reaching out. And he isn't either. It's so bizarre to go from talking to someone EVERY day for 10 months, to nothing. A huge loss and void. Yes, like a death. I am mourning this harder than the death of my own mother...

Time heals all wounds. If we allow it to, and do the work, find understanding and acceptance that we are all imperfect and love imperfectly, exhale, leave the anger behind, have pity for others, find compassion. That is what I'm trying to do. For myself, and for him. And for that person who I hope to cross paths with someday...he deserves the best of me! And vice versa! I have hope and faith... :-)

- M

Thinking is definitely a good thing! You are definitely right about our past. My first memory is of the night my mom died. I still remember it like it was yesterday. So important to try helping a child initially have positive ones. There are so many children who have such negative experiences. So sorry to hear about your experiences of not being taken care of and wanted as a child. It is the loss of anyone who comes across you not to be a part of your life. I am just relieved to learn that you found some sense of safety and stability within church. I had to learn everything about life on my own. Writing was rather theaputic to me. It was basically my way of escaping. This is what I mean about all of us needing to make our own path. Just needs to be a happy and healthy one!

How can a child not be affected by being in an environment he/she is not wanted to be within? I always sensed that this was true. My uncle even said when I was twenty-one that he and his wife never wanted me. He told me how much I was a difficult child. How I did not fully appreciate all they sacrificed or me. It was almost like a relief in some way to hear this. No longer did I have to wonder or think of myself as crazy. So sad that they chose to have such anger at a situation which was beyond their own control.

I would have much rather lived with my cousins and the other side of the family to be honest. Always wondered why my mom sent me to a house which such anger and violence. I suppose she saw how wealthy her brother was and sent me there to get the best of everything. Money is not necessarily everything. I would have given back all of the private schools and fancy food and designer clothes just for one single hug. Perhaps that is something you can relate to as well.

Lots of anger and confusion at my mom for awhile initially. As again perhaps you can sort of relate to. Cannot even process that your mother decided to willingly give you up while alive. That is a little different than my mom writing a will and me going to live somewhere else when she died. I am sending you some hugs! I eventually realized that she was just doing the best she could to protect me. I would like to think she would never have knowingly sent me into an abusive situation. Perhaps they had her fooled too. So sad how manipulative and vindictive people like my aunt and uncle choose to be.

I completely admire the fact that you chose to stay with your ex husband for so long because of the kids. You are a very selfless person. As I have said already. Change is really not ever easy. Hard in the short term. Perhaps the best decision though going forward. Should we be in a bad situation and all.

I sense that being happy within a relationship is something which is extremely important to you. So as to have the true love you never felt completely as a child. I can totally see how you would be automatically attracted to someone who also has had challenging issues in the past. Welcome to my world! Such a shame though that your recent ex chose to lie, manipulate, and withold. You have so much damn love to give someone. It just needs to also come back at you.

You really did not judge this man unfairly at all, Missy. Cheating is not an attractive quality to most. It is not a productive way to promote intimacy. I can see how you would be worried about this going forward. His addictions have obviously had a huge impact on who he has become. He has never learned how to deal with stress in a healthy way. He was not even fully over his ex! Seemed to show no real effort to get better other than through empty words. Words are not the same as actions. I still commit to the fact that he would have showed more effort to change for the better had he truly loved you. He simply needed way too much from you (whether he would admit to it or not) and there was nothing really positive at all that would have come back your way from him. A relationship should enhance and not suffocate. No way could you have had any kind of positive relationship going forward. Not the kind that you deserve at least.

I am so amazed by your strength so far! You should be very proud of how far away he is from your life now. Because, it is one step closer to where you want and need to be. Yet, still you are bound to have those more challenging days. So different to go from everything to nothing in such a short amount of time. The same exact way it was with my ex wife and daughter. Time is going to help make it all easier. At the end of the day it is all any of us really have. Thus, why we need to keep making the most of it!

August 4, 2014

Here I am venting and sharing with a complete stranger! Talk about boundary issues! lol

You know what hurts the most? This man I loved, in spite of all his flaws, and maybe we just needed more time...gave up on us. He broke up with me. I devastated but understood why and didn't ask him to change his mind. I really wanted to try to be friends. Bc that was what we were best as. Week after we broke up, I found out some things about my past, and my father prob dying from cancer. I so upset, I called him. I needed him as a friend. I was in the worse place I'd been in years. And he choose not to be there for me. He too wrapped up in his own moving forward. I was in so much pain. And he basically ignored me. Never called back again to see how I was doing, and my dad. This was after we agreed to stay friends. And he just dropped me. Yes, we broken up, but we'd been talking and things were ok. I really needed him, and he let me down. Big time. That was it for me, so shocked and hurt. That is how it ended. Last I heard from him. Nice, huh?

Hi again! Venting is a very necessary and positive thing. It is important that we process our emotions and feelings as freely as possible. So that they do not have the chance to stay inside of us and ultimately make things even worse.

You have been through quite the experience lately! Talking about it can only help make things better going forward. Yet, it is not always easy talking to those who are closest to us. This includes our best friends and family.

So, if talking any of this out on here has helped you a little, then that is definitely a good thing! It makes me smile to know that each and every day may continue getting easier for you because of it. Places like this site most likely ultimately exist so that people can try to find some comfort and connection with others. It is what distinguishes us as being human.

Everyone is initally a stranger to us. I know this is the internet. Yet, I continue relating to a lot of what you are saying. All of it helps me to reflect on my own life. I can relate to what you have gone through within relationships so much. It feels like you are a friend of mine. Though, that may sound completely crazy! I definitely care about what happens with you going forward.

It is exactly of what you speak that he cannot even exist as a friend for you right now. It will just end up holding you back. Someone who truly cares about you will be there no matter what. Whether or not they have all the crap he has going on or not. You do not need to be associated with people who are so self centered. That is not what any kind of connection is about.

August 4, 2014

Hey there - yes, it makes me smile, too, to know you are here, with great advice and support. And you seem to understand my story, what I've been going through. This think called life sure can put us through the ringer sometimes, huh? But that's just how it goes. And I'm grateful I've been through A LOT. I have truly lived. So much good, amazing experiences, and also some difficult times. But those difficult times, especially growing up, has made me who I am (you know-so cliche! :-) and has put me where I am.

So no, there are no mistakes, although when we are in the thick of it, our minds go to that "crazy" place and make up believe it. We are humans; we get hurt, we are in pain, we don't think clearly, we act irrational, get emotional. Especially us women! I hope to some day find a man who truly understands that, and me and loves ALL of me and all I have to give, yes. I'm not sure when or if that will happen. I accept that. I know I am pretty different. And I have had many failed relationships. I don't really know why. If it's me, or them. Or I am choosing the wrong men. Or there just isn't someone out there for me. Or maybe I will be 60 when my time comes...

Right now I am pretty apathetic towards men, dating, all of that. I feel blah. I'm OK, still ups and downs. But yes, I took a hard, emotional hit. Plus other personal, family stuff I am dealing with, parents aging sick, kids going to college, etc. An ex who doesn't do his part, constant struggle to get him to understand his fatherly duties, step up to plate, co-parent. Just a lot of work for me. I feel like Julie the Cruise Director most of the time. A lot of stress.

I need to find ways to relieve that stress. I need to focus on me. I have been lost lately. I have felt weak, brought to me knees from this break up, such a shock. Even though I know it's for the best. I can't have this person in my life, nor do I want him. Which I feel kind of guilty, because I did love him. I feel guilty for not being able to be his friend. We were best friends. How does that just end? Losing this friendship (and I've lost a bunch in my life, by choice or just drift apart) has been the worse loss of all. And to know I was just a rebound, he only loved me in an "addictive" way or a very immature, shallow way, more of an infactuation, is devastating. Like I said, it's been a roller coaster.

I cried like a damn baby last night. I tried not to, I was so pissed at myself, so damn angry at him. For all those things he said, that were BS. Just trying to convince himself, and me, that what we had was healthy love. It was NOT. I hate I was intimate with him, that I gave that precious part of myself to him. I feel dirty. He slept with prostitutes, and I let him be intimate with me. I am having a hard time with that. I'm SO SO pissed. Damn him. I hate him right now.

I am strong, I know it's for the right reasons. What is wrong with me, why can't I move on and be HAPPY? For all I do have? Getting out of this funk has been so hard. Today I was SO busy, so it was a good day. I guess I just need to keep that up... I'm doing the best I can.

I know it's wrong to hate him. But sometimes it just comes over me. And I can't stop these feelings. I wish I never met him. Or when I did, I walked away. Laughed at his BS and said, "good luck to you, with that baggage!"

Damn him for his charm, money, being so attractive, funny, sweet, giving, all that superficial BS. And I was too weak, I gave in to it. Why??? I'm a grown woman! Been around the block MANY TIMES! I have lived! I have loved many times! And I feel for this loser ???????? So many red flags, and I just turned a blind eye. I guess because maybe deep down I was getting what I needed, too? Maybe I knew he noncommittal and I actually am, too? Maybe I really wasn't ready either? I didn't fight for him when he broke up for me. I didn't fight for the friendship and beg him, Why? I haven't reached out to him. They say if you love someone, you fight for them. Well, he isn't for me, and I am not for him. So there you go... I have to let it go...

Yes, I know there is a lesson. Right now I'm just pissed because I feel bitter, angry, don't want to date, no interest, feel there is no one out there for me, bc I'm so damn picky. I will never find someone who fulfills all my needs. And I'm an emotional mess, feel like I don't have my **** together. And I know that is what men want. Strong women who have it all together... I just don't know... I hate him for making me doubt myself, feel weak. Why is this happening? I'm not the kind of person who lets a F ing man get to her!!!

Just all over the place today. Thanks for listening...

August 5, 2014

Hey there - yes, it makes me smile, too, to know you are here, with great advice and support. And you seem to understand my story, what I've been going through. This think called life sure can put us through the ringer sometimes, huh? But that's just how it goes. And I'm grateful I've been through A LOT. I have truly lived. So much good, amazing experiences, and also some difficult times. But those difficult times, especially growing up, has made me who I am (you know-so cliche! :-) and has put me where I am.

So no, there are no mistakes, although when we are in the thick of it, our minds go to that "crazy" place and make up believe it. We are humans; we get hurt, we are in pain, we don't think clearly, we act irrational, get emotional. Especially us women! I hope to some day find a man who truly understands that, and me and loves ALL of me and all I have to give, yes. I'm not sure when or if that will happen. I accept that. I know I am pretty different. And I have had many failed relationships. I don't really know why. If it's me, or them. Or I am choosing the wrong men. Or there just isn't someone out there for me. Or maybe I will be 60 when my time comes...

Right now I am pretty apathetic towards men, dating, all of that. I feel blah. I'm OK, still ups and downs. But yes, I took a hard, emotional hit. Plus other personal, family stuff I am dealing with, parents aging sick, kids going to college, etc. An ex who doesn't do his part, constant struggle to get him to understand his fatherly duties, step up to plate, co-parent. Just a lot of work for me. I feel like Julie the Cruise Director most of the time. A lot of stress.

I need to find ways to relieve that stress. I need to focus on me. I have been lost lately. I have felt weak, brought to me knees from this break up, such a shock. Even though I know it's for the best. I can't have this person in my life, nor do I want him. Which I feel kind of guilty, because I did love him. I feel guilty for not being able to be his friend. We were best friends. How does that just end? Losing this friendship (and I've lost a bunch in my life, by choice or just drift apart) has been the worse loss of all. And to know I was just a rebound, he only loved me in an "addictive" way or a very immature, shallow way, more of an infactuation, is devastating. Like I said, it's been a roller coaster.

I cried like a damn baby last night. I tried not to, I was so pissed at myself, so damn angry at him. For all those things he said, that were BS. Just trying to convince himself, and me, that what we had was healthy love. It was NOT. I hate I was intimate with him, that I gave that precious part of myself to him. I feel dirty. He slept with prostitutes, and I let him be intimate with me. I am having a hard time with that. I'm SO SO pissed. Damn him. I hate him right now.

I am strong, I know it's for the right reasons. What is wrong with me, why can't I move on and be HAPPY? For all I do have? Getting out of this funk has been so hard. Today I was SO busy, so it was a good day. I guess I just need to keep that up... I'm doing the best I can.

I know it's wrong to hate him. But sometimes it just comes over me. And I can't stop these feelings. I wish I never met him. Or when I did, I walked away. Laughed at his BS and said, "good luck to you, with that baggage!"
Damn him for his charm, money, being so attractive, funny, sweet, giving, all that superficial BS. And I was too weak, I gave in to it. Why??? I'm a grown woman! Been around the block MANY TIMES! I have lived! I have loved many times! And I feel for this loser ???????? So many red flags, and I just turned a blind eye. I guess because maybe deep down I was getting what I needed, too? Maybe I knew he noncommittal and I actually am, too? Maybe I really wasn't ready either? I didn't fight for him when he broke up for me. I didn't fight for the friendship and beg him, Why? I haven't reached out to him. They say if you love someone, you fight for them. Well, he isn't for me, and I am not for him. So there you go... I have to let it go...

Yes, I know there is a lesson. Right now I'm just pissed because I feel bitter, angry, don't want to date, no interest, feel there is no one out there for me, bc I'm so damn picky. I will never find someone who fulfills all my needs. And I'm an emotional mess, feel like I don't have my **** together. And I know that is what men want. Strong women who have it all together... I just don't know... I hate him for making me doubt myself, feel weak. Why is this happening? I'm not the kind of person who lets a F ing man get to her!!!

Just all over the place today. Thanks for listening...

You sound depressed.

August 5, 2014

Yup, I am aware of that and am trying to get that under control using a few different means. Thanks! Venting being one of them... :-)

It is not easy. Have battled it I believe my whole life; have self managed. But yes, it does affect my life. I am trying to get a grasp on it, manage it, and move forward, get healthy...But yes, it's a roller coaster of good days, challenging days.

It is a tough thing. And anyone who has gone thru it, battles it, understands.

We all do the best we can! :-)

August 5, 2014

Yup, I am aware of that and am trying to get that under control using a few different means. Thanks! Venting being one of them... :-)

It is not easy. Have battled it I believe my whole life; have self managed. But yes, it does affect my life. I am trying to get a grasp on it, manage it, and move forward, get healthy...But yes, it's a roller coaster of good days, challenging days.

It is a tough thing. And anyone who has gone thru it, battles it, understands.

We all do the best we can! :-)

I've been coping with anxiety and depression my whole life. I'll give you a couple of suggestions that help me.

1. Track your period. During PMS (which lasts about 10 days for me) I'm VERY fragile and angry. I cope poorly. But if I realize it's a PMS day I take that fact into consideration when assessing my mood.

2. Meds help if your depression and anxiety is biologically based.

3. When you're roller coasting have a healthy coping technique ready. For me, it's watching spiritual teachings on Youtube. Take a peek at Tara Brach she has tons of free talks.

4. Most important realize that everyone in our society seems to be suffering from both depression and anxiety and that crazy seems to be the new normal.

August 5, 2014

Hey there - yes, it makes me smile, too, to know you are here, with great advice and support. And you seem to understand my story, what I've been going through. This think called life sure can put us through the ringer sometimes, huh? But that's just how it goes. And I'm grateful I've been through A LOT. I have truly lived. So much good, amazing experiences, and also some difficult times. But those difficult times, especially growing up, has made me who I am (you know-so cliche! :-) and has put me where I am.

So no, there are no mistakes, although when we are in the thick of it, our minds go to that "crazy" place and make up believe it. We are humans; we get hurt, we are in pain, we don't think clearly, we act irrational, get emotional. Especially us women! I hope to some day find a man who truly understands that, and me and loves ALL of me and all I have to give, yes. I'm not sure when or if that will happen. I accept that. I know I am pretty different. And I have had many failed relationships. I don't really know why. If it's me, or them. Or I am choosing the wrong men. Or there just isn't someone out there for me. Or maybe I will be 60 when my time comes...

Right now I am pretty apathetic towards men, dating, all of that. I feel blah. I'm OK, still ups and downs. But yes, I took a hard, emotional hit. Plus other personal, family stuff I am dealing with, parents aging sick, kids going to college, etc. An ex who doesn't do his part, constant struggle to get him to understand his fatherly duties, step up to plate, co-parent. Just a lot of work for me. I feel like Julie the Cruise Director most of the time. A lot of stress.

I need to find ways to relieve that stress. I need to focus on me. I have been lost lately. I have felt weak, brought to me knees from this break up, such a shock. Even though I know it's for the best. I can't have this person in my life, nor do I want him. Which I feel kind of guilty, because I did love him. I feel guilty for not being able to be his friend. We were best friends. How does that just end? Losing this friendship (and I've lost a bunch in my life, by choice or just drift apart) has been the worse loss of all. And to know I was just a rebound, he only loved me in an "addictive" way or a very immature, shallow way, more of an infactuation, is devastating. Like I said, it's been a roller coaster.

I cried like a damn baby last night. I tried not to, I was so pissed at myself, so damn angry at him. For all those things he said, that were BS. Just trying to convince himself, and me, that what we had was healthy love. It was NOT. I hate I was intimate with him, that I gave that precious part of myself to him. I feel dirty. He slept with prostitutes, and I let him be intimate with me. I am having a hard time with that. I'm SO SO pissed. Damn him. I hate him right now.

I am strong, I know it's for the right reasons. What is wrong with me, why can't I move on and be HAPPY? For all I do have? Getting out of this funk has been so hard. Today I was SO busy, so it was a good day. I guess I just need to keep that up... I'm doing the best I can.

I know it's wrong to hate him. But sometimes it just comes over me. And I can't stop these feelings. I wish I never met him. Or when I did, I walked away. Laughed at his BS and said, "good luck to you, with that baggage!"
Damn him for his charm, money, being so attractive, funny, sweet, giving, all that superficial BS. And I was too weak, I gave in to it. Why??? I'm a grown woman! Been around the block MANY TIMES! I have lived! I have loved many times! And I feel for this loser ???????? So many red flags, and I just turned a blind eye. I guess because maybe deep down I was getting what I needed, too? Maybe I knew he noncommittal and I actually am, too? Maybe I really wasn't ready either? I didn't fight for him when he broke up for me. I didn't fight for the friendship and beg him, Why? I haven't reached out to him. They say if you love someone, you fight for them. Well, he isn't for me, and I am not for him. So there you go... I have to let it go...

Yes, I know there is a lesson. Right now I'm just pissed because I feel bitter, angry, don't want to date, no interest, feel there is no one out there for me, bc I'm so damn picky. I will never find someone who fulfills all my needs. And I'm an emotional mess, feel like I don't have my **** together. And I know that is what men want. Strong women who have it all together... I just don't know... I hate him for making me doubt myself, feel weak. Why is this happening? I'm not the kind of person who lets a F ing man get to her!!!

Just all over the place today. Thanks for listening...

Smiling is totally a good thing! A story that seems so like my own makes it simple to relate. I do think that we have both lived within the extreme. As a result of being passionate souls. Which tends to lead to both positive and negative. So much more interesting and intoxicating than living a life of simplicity and settling. We choose to totally fully live and not merely exist. This is why we want to find that extraordinary. Existing would be much more safe. Also, it would be way too boring. Not enough passionate ones left within this world.

Being different is partly what makes the both of us incredibly unique. Showing our emotions and feelings is such a good thing! So sad that many of us men are not able to do this. As if being a person with sentiments is so horrible. This is part of what makes the connections between men and women so challenging at times. Of course, always feeling and never thinking may not be the best plan either! Thus, why there needs to be a sense of balance.

I think that your failed relationships are not because of anything at all you are doing wrong. Much more based on people that have just not been right for you. Based on the fact that you desire and want extraordinary. Something not everyone actually thinks about. Even as simple as it sounds. I never expected to meet the person who is exactly right for me. It happened when I was not even looking. I sincerely and truly believe that the right one will come along for you. Just no reason to focus on it nor force anything.

Dealing with stress is definitely not always easy. Some sad souls never learn to handle it at all. I was lucky enough to always enjoy reading and writing. Writing has literally saved my life so many times. Life can take away so much from someone. No one can take away the words you write. Perhaps journal writing may prove to be theraputic for you. As an easy and relaxing way to gather your thoughts. You are very analytical and reflective. Sort of like someone else I know rather well. One I see in the mirror each and every day. Your emotions are all over the place because of what is going on. The writing will continue to help let your thoughts get out. This is what may be most important right now and part of the healing process.

I know that the loss of his friendship has been most challenging. It sounds as something that was very secure and sincere. Just sucks that it has to be a result of this. It is for the better that you avoid all contact. Since he is directly a part of so much of your hurt right now. So many conflicting feelings for him causing you a lot of stress. Perhaps you can be amazing friends again later on. This is just not the best time for that on your end. Even with the guilt that you feel. You have to do what is best on that end right now.

Continue to allow the tears to fall. Being angry at your ex one moment and missing him the next. It all makes complete sense. There is nothing wrong with any of this. All an important part of the healing process. You need to stop beating yourself up so much, Missy. He is the one who was manipulating you. You are simply a kind soul and think the best in people. Nothing wrong with that at all. You gave him all of yourself. He could not give you even half of himself. Not everything can come about right away. Some things take time to figure out. Especially, when the story you are given is not even complete.

You are perhaps the kind of person who wants to know everything right now. Part of the caregiver within you I am thinking. Wanting all to be figured out and solved sooner than later. It is just not possible at times. Things like healing take some time. It does not mean that anything is wrong with you. Keeping busy definitely sounds like a perfect plan. Yet, you do not have to be perfect at all. Just do the best you can each and every day. The rest will all work itself out.

August 5, 2014

Thanks, Victoria! I agree and I will watch the PMS calendar. I'm sure for me, it's def a mixture of things. PMSing, biological, I do have some anxiety, yes.

The main life changing event for me was a divorce three years ago, after being married for 20 years. With three children. Even though we are pretty amicable, he has remarried, we live in same town but don't see each other too often, just email and text re: the kids, I realized now that I am still not over that emotionally draining event that unless you go thru, hard to explain. You can move on with your life, be content, have a good life, which I do - but the HUGE life changes I've been thru have been challenging. Being a stay at home for 20 years and just working part time, around kids' schedules, in order to be great mom to them, has put me in a tough spot now. I pay my bills, I'm surviving, but my standard of living dropped drastically...

Yes, it is "crazy" times out there, for all of us. And our teenagers. I am SO glad I am not a kid now! I have teenagers, that is another stress. Two going off to college soon.

I just have A LOT on my plate, with my personal life, raising teens as a single mom, dealing with ex, all that baggage, my dad is now very sick, I'm trying to make money, pay the bills, pay for college...

And I was trying to have, maintain a relationship. Maybe it wasn't the best time for me. Don't know. I tried my best. I loved this person.

I have had A LOT of losses the last few years, been hit too many times. Other losses I haven't mentioned...A person can only take, handle so much. My friends are shocked I am neither a raging alcoholic or in the looney bin!

:-)

I think I handle it in stride. Ups and downs, but bounce back. Yes, emotionals all over the place. But I know why and I accept that, am being gentle with myself. This is part of being a real, authentic, feeling human being. I don't hide it or have shame in it. I share it, talk about it, cry, get angry. All of it. I don't stuff it. Never have.

This recent breakup has been very very tough, as break ups from LTR are. I suppose maybe it hit me more because it's a trigger for me, for all the other losses, divorce I've experienced.

So no wonder I am down or have slight depression. I accept that. It will take time...

I exercise a ton, which is my saving grace! I'm very active and am out there all the time, walking, hiking, kayaking, doing things with friends, etc. I have a wonderful support group. I read a ton of self help stuff, inspirational quotes and such. Bought a couple of good books last week.

I have tried yoga and am going to give it another shot, when and if I have the time and money. Also back to a therapist. I eat very well, as nutrition is very important. I admit I haven't been eating as much as I should, bc my appetite is shot right now. Working on that as well...

I don't drink, smoke or any other vices. I try to live in a very healthy way, both physically and mentally. But yes, I have some emotional issues, as a lot of people do. Yes, it is a different and challenging society we now live in. We just have to figure out how to roll with it, do what we need to do. Make change. I am doing my best right now.

My doctor said it's quite normal how I'm feeling, given all I've had happen to me recently. I am on some medication right now, but hopefully that is not forever. Not really my thing... But I am giving it a try, on top of everything else... there is not one easy fix...

Thank you for the suggestions and your compassion. And ear. It means a lot to me. And really helps, part of my whole "takes a village" to help myself feel better, get stronger!

August 5, 2014

Ian - wow, too funny. Bc I just wrote that last stuff, BEFORE reading yours!

Yes, great minds do think a like. :-)

You are so right about all you say. I do want extraordinary. I don't settle, yet don't want nor expect perfection at all. Because I know my own faults. And I know we all have them. But there is a difference between faults and values, boundaries, how you treat someone. I didn't care about this man's faults, or past. I cared about he handled it, NOW, and how he treated ME, and our relationship. Mostly, yes, how he treated me as a friend. While it was working for HIM, he was a great friend. The minute it became uncomfortable, I showed my faults or rough edges (getting upset that he not over ex and how he dealing with it...) he pulled away. He turned it around on me, thus making me pull back, our communication got all messed up, hence leading to so much misunderstanding!

These were HIS issues, not mine. It was his responsibility to make me feel secure in the relationship. He did not. Hence it falling apart. I loved him so much, and the best I could, without giving all of me. I just couldn't due to the circumstances, how he not over ex, just not "going all the way" with me emotionally. There was alway a "ghost" in the room, on our vacations... It sucked. I knew she popping his head from time to time. I never knew when. So hard to know that. I accept my responsibility for not leaving earlier, ending things when I knew this. But like you said, I am a caregiver and I wanted to "fix" it, give it time, give his a chance to make changes. But DUH. Not my job. I get that now. I'm on my way.

I'm ok with all my feelings. Yes, they are all over the place, depending on if I get triggered with something. Yesterday I know it was contact with the ex husband and dealing with college stuff. He is a pain in the arse and he triggered me. He's not a great dad, so that triggered other stuff, too...

I have to learn to refocus my thoughts. It takes time. I'm in no rush. I am ok alone now. I have no interest in another "relationship". I am wise enough to know that is the last thing I need. For myself or another innocent person. I have tons of friends, and that is what I need now. And meeting new people, sure - that is fine and healthy. I've done that and have no problem doing that. I am upfront and honest with them, that right now, I am going thru some stuff, and not interested in a relationship. Go out, do active stuff together...fine. That's what I need and want right now. And to laugh, have a good time, with good company. Keep it simple.

I feel the same; the writing and expressing oneself is therapy in itself. Just one piece of getting healthy... :-) I'm glad that works for you, and makes you happy! I have always had a dream of writing a book...maybe some day!

:-)

OK - thanks again! I am very glad you responded. And understand...

Sending a smile...

August 5, 2014

And as far as being friends some day with this man...Right now I just don't know. Of course it's what I do really want, but with the way he responded to me a week after break up, offering "close friends" with me, that his what he said he wanted... I had what seemed to be a panic attack or breakdown or something...I called him, told him I needed him, I was scared. I have NEVER done that in my life. Told someone I needed them and been SO vulnerable. I had just found out my father prob has cancer. And had found out thru my stepmother, some other stuff from my past, that triggered me, making me very emotional. He calmed me down, yes. It was a good conversation.

The next day we talk and he says NOTHING about that, how are you? How is your dad? He too busy talking on and on about himself, what he did over weekend. I think I already told you all this...sorry for the repeat!

Any way. I had to tell him, No friendship. I had to have boundaries, self respect and not be a damn doormat. I couldn't believe he was sounding so happy - when the day before I was the lowest I've been, in three years! SO overwhelmed. He didn't offer to come be with me. He had a date. Two weeks after break up, he had a date. And was happy and excited about it. And here I was, found out dad has cancer, a total mess. wtf. That really really hurt me beyond words. I was in shock that this person could be so insensitive. A friend??? What? My friends do not and have never treated me as such.

So he lost my friendship. I don't know...I know you should not need or expect an apology or explanation. But HE broke up with me. He would need to contact me, explain, apologize...If he truly wanted to work on a friendship with me. He was cruel and so uncaring to me that day.

I believe it was his way of "stuffing" his feelings, an avoidance tactic. I know him... Fine. But that is selfish in my opinion and doesn't warrant a "close friend" to me.

Yes, I love him, I care about him, and maybe part of me always will. But he doesn't deserve my friendship, when he acted like that towards me. I needed him the MOST I've ever needed him. As a friend, an ear, to comfort me. And he too busy, off for a date. If he cared, loved me even just as a friend, he would have done what ever he took, to come see me, make sure I was ok.

But he didn't. He made his choice. And choices. We are adults now. Actions and decisions are CHOICES. NOT mistakes. I am pretty strong on that boundary. I believe in personal responsibility. Sure, we all have our moments. But what he did - Not a friend. At all. So I have no respect for him right now.

He would have to earn that back. Respect is earned, not just given or expected. That will be up to him, because he broke up with me, he was hurtful to me post breakup, he said he wanted to be my friend, but then was not, when I needed him. So sorry - not now. Maybe not ever. I don't have any expectations or hope for that. I'm sure he knows he did wrong, hurt me. So he won't be reaching out any time soon. He knows that is best for me. I'll give him that...

August 5, 2014

Ian - wow, too funny. Bc I just wrote that last stuff, BEFORE reading yours!

Yes, great minds do think a like. :-)

You are so right about all you say. I do want extraordinary. I don't settle, yet don't want nor expect perfection at all. Because I know my own faults. And I know we all have them. But there is a difference between faults and values, boundaries, how you treat someone. I didn't care about this man's faults, or past. I cared about he handled it, NOW, and how he treated ME, and our relationship. Mostly, yes, how he treated me as a friend. While it was working for HIM, he was a great friend. The minute it became uncomfortable, I showed my faults or rough edges (getting upset that he not over ex and how he dealing with it...) he pulled away. He turned it around on me, thus making me pull back, our communication got all messed up, hence leading to so much misunderstanding!

These were HIS issues, not mine. It was his responsibility to make me feel secure in the relationship. He did not. Hence it falling apart. I loved him so much, and the best I could, without giving all of me. I just couldn't due to the circumstances, how he not over ex, just not "going all the way" with me emotionally. There was alway a "ghost" in the room, on our vacations... It sucked. I knew she popping his head from time to time. I never knew when. So hard to know that. I accept my responsibility for not leaving earlier, ending things when I knew this. But like you said, I am a caregiver and I wanted to "fix" it, give it time, give his a chance to make changes. But DUH. Not my job. I get that now. I'm on my way.

I'm ok with all my feelings. Yes, they are all over the place, depending on if I get triggered with something. Yesterday I know it was contact with the ex husband and dealing with college stuff. He is a pain in the arse and he triggered me. He's not a great dad, so that triggered other stuff, too...

I have to learn to refocus my thoughts. It takes time. I'm in no rush. I am ok alone now. I have no interest in another "relationship". I am wise enough to know that is the last thing I need. For myself or another innocent person. I have tons of friends, and that is what I need now. And meeting new people, sure - that is fine and healthy. I've done that and have no problem doing that. I am upfront and honest with them, that right now, I am going thru some stuff, and not interested in a relationship. Go out, do active stuff together...fine. That's what I need and want right now. And to laugh, have a good time, with good company. Keep it simple.

I feel the same; the writing and expressing oneself is therapy in itself. Just one piece of getting healthy... :-) I'm glad that works for you, and makes you happy! I have always had a dream of writing a book...maybe some day!
:-)

OK - thanks again! I am very glad you responded. And understand...
Sending a smile...

Hi, Missy! I suppose my mind makes sense at times. Well, on alternate Tuesdays at least! With wanting extraordinary always comes those wayward moments. It is all part of our journey. Nothing which is not normal at all.

You have decided to change course. The waves will not always be friendly to us. The important thing is being able to ride that ship. Calmer and smoother shores await you. Something important like your happiness should not ever have a price. Nor, can there really be any real rush to find it. There always needs to be a start.

I can see why men do not make you smile at this point. Part of the issue here is that 99.9 percent of happen to men suck. This is what makes it so hard for the 0.01 percent who try not to. There really are some good ones floating around. Just no need to directly search them out.

It really is not that you expect perfection. Never was like that on my own end. It is much more like that you want someone who will go all out for you. Not only be into you in a half-ass or even dishonest way. You are more than willing to give your all with your partner. This is what you deserve to then get back. Cannot be any easier at all.

It does not only apply to our relationships even. It happens and should relate with anyone lucky enough to cross paths with you. Not that it is our responsibilty to fix another person. Just that we should be there. Not because we have to be. Much more because we simply want to. He was only there for you when serving his best interests. This man was never really there for you unconditionally. That is not the sign of someone showing he cares. Sending you a smile back!

August 5, 2014

And as far as being friends some day with this man...Right now I just don't know. Of course it's what I do really want, but with the way he responded to me a week after break up, offering "close friends" with me, that his what he said he wanted... I had what seemed to be a panic attack or breakdown or something...I called him, told him I needed him, I was scared. I have NEVER done that in my life. Told someone I needed them and been SO vulnerable. I had just found out my father prob has cancer. And had found out thru my stepmother, some other stuff from my past, that triggered me, making me very emotional. He calmed me down, yes. It was a good conversation.
The next day we talk and he says NOTHING about that, how are you? How is your dad? He too busy talking on and on about himself, what he did over weekend. I think I already told you all this...sorry for the repeat!

Any way. I had to tell him, No friendship. I had to have boundaries, self respect and not be a damn doormat. I couldn't believe he was sounding so happy - when the day before I was the lowest I've been, in three years! SO overwhelmed. He didn't offer to come be with me. He had a date. Two weeks after break up, he had a date. And was happy and excited about it. And here I was, found out dad has cancer, a total mess. wtf. That really really hurt me beyond words. I was in shock that this person could be so insensitive. A friend??? What? My friends do not and have never treated me as such.

So he lost my friendship. I don't know...I know you should not need or expect an apology or explanation. But HE broke up with me. He would need to contact me, explain, apologize...If he truly wanted to work on a friendship with me. He was cruel and so uncaring to me that day.

I believe it was his way of "stuffing" his feelings, an avoidance tactic. I know him... Fine. But that is selfish in my opinion and doesn't warrant a "close friend" to me.

Yes, I love him, I care about him, and maybe part of me always will. But he doesn't deserve my friendship, when he acted like that towards me. I needed him the MOST I've ever needed him. As a friend, an ear, to comfort me. And he too busy, off for a date. If he cared, loved me even just as a friend, he would have done what ever he took, to come see me, make sure I was ok.

But he didn't. He made his choice. And choices. We are adults now. Actions and decisions are CHOICES. NOT mistakes. I am pretty strong on that boundary. I believe in personal responsibility. Sure, we all have our moments. But what he did - Not a friend. At all. So I have no respect for him right now.

He would have to earn that back. Respect is earned, not just given or expected. That will be up to him, because he broke up with me, he was hurtful to me post breakup, he said he wanted to be my friend, but then was not, when I needed him. So sorry - not now. Maybe not ever. I don't have any expectations or hope for that. I'm sure he knows he did wrong, hurt me. So he won't be reaching out any time soon. He knows that is best for me. I'll give him that...

I know that he has both disappointed and hurt you. Made you think things were more stable within your relationship then they really were. That he gave you a false impression of what your future would look like. These are not some things which you simply can dismiss.

Though, I also sense that this man is someone you still care about. Even despite all of the anxiety and throughout the dishonesty. Perhaps, you also feel badly for him as well. I still happen to care for my ex and only want good things to come her way. Even after all of the hurt and negativity she dished out. Hard for someone to cross paths with us so long and just let them go on the spot. Love is not necessarily a light switch.

I am just not sure if he is capable of an apology. Not necessarily because he does not care about you. Just as a direct result of him not being able to think about the world outside of his own. You were no longer together when that phone call happened. He had already moved on. Working on the next woman he will end up manipulating. So as to satisfy his own selfish desires.

He does not realize that the way he treated you was completely unacceptable. I am sure that deep down he really does care about both you and your dad, Missy. He just has no real healthy way of showing it. This is what makes him not a close friend you can confide within and trust. That is where the issue lies.

August 5, 2014

Yes, all true.

Too many issues and differences with what I wanted, and he wanted. And what each of us was able to give. It worked for a while, but when you are not on the same page with values, expectations (when you reach that stage in relationship when it's safe and healthy to talk about those things...) things will just fall apart.

I'm ready for my next chapter in life. I can give and receive healthy love, with the right person. I am not perfect, I have my issues as well. I am understanding of that. And of him. But he did not make me FEEL that he was my best friend, because of his inability to focus on US, our relationship, and leave the past, his ex behind. She was always there. Like this cloud hanging over us. Yes, he was honest about a lot of stuff re: her, his past, his "mistakes", his addictions.

In honesty I believe I could handle it. But it was too much for me. I am no angel, and have done some **** in my life of 40+ years. But I have always had values and have had guilt and shame if and when I've hurt someone. And I am a GOOD person. A very good person and friend.

I'm not saying he's not a good person. I know he is trying. But he is very damaged and I am sorry for that. I have to focus on that, and that it would have NEVER worked between us anyway.

We did not have a future. This was just part of my time line. A wonderful time in our lives for many reasons. But it was not to last. I wanted it to. I wanted more time. I wanted to dig down deeper with him, understand him more, maybe go counseling together. But he gave up, walked away when things got tough.

He is an addict. I was a pretty girl on his arm. Love addicts are possessive. This is why he will not let his ex go completely. He believes she is still "his". Why angry she dating someone else. If he "can't have her, no one else can." He knows this. It's so unhealthy. It really affected us. I can't do that. Ever again.

That is all it comes down to. Our values and thinking, emotional health, what we can give to another person, how we love them, is SO different.

It just took time to realize that. It didn't matter how many things we had in common. Because we had that! So awesome!

On the BIG stuff that really matters - we just didn't and couldn't match up.

August 5, 2014

And now I need to focus on things that really matter. Like myself and my healing, and getting back to life! Because life is good! It's what we make it!

And I just got word that my dad does have cancer. Not good. So I will be dealing with that. I need to stay and be strong for him, my stepmom, my kids, my family. Because this is going to be a journey... I need to have my whits about me... Here we go...

Prayers, please. Thank you.

It is amazing the power of strangers and those who understand. Thanks, you guys! I mean that. You have made a difference in MY life and my healing. Please remember that tonight and smile, because you have made a difference in at least one person's life. That is a gift. Let's try to be grateful for the little things. I am trying to. Let's do that together! :-) Think positively, vs negatively. I'm REALLY going to try! Do my best...

August 5, 2014

And now I need to focus on things that really matter. Like myself and my healing, and getting back to life! Because life is good! It's what we make it!

And I just got word that my dad does have cancer. Not good. So I will be dealing with that. I need to stay and be strong for him, my stepmom, my kids, my family. Because this is going to be a journey... I need to have my whits about me... Here we go...

Prayers, please. Thank you.

It is amazing the power of strangers and those who understand. Thanks, you guys! I mean that. You have made a difference in MY life and my healing. Please remember that tonight and smile, because you have made a difference in at least one person's life. That is a gift. Let's try to be grateful for the little things. I am trying to. Let's do that together! :-) Think positively, vs negatively. I'm REALLY going to try! Do my best...

I was going to reply to that other post from this afternoon first until seeing this most recent one. Thought that it is much more appropriate to respond here first. I am so sorry to hear of this news, Missy. Really wish I could just give you a huge hug. I actually almost feel like crying. Your experiences within so many ways are something I can completely relate to. You have become a friend to me within this wild world online. Please let me know if there is anything at all which you need. Know that you are never alone. You and your dad are in my thoughts.

August 5, 2014

I know...it's somewhat crazy and goes against all I'm used to. Sharing so much, online, with a stranger. But right now, But I also believe things happen for a reason, and I posted here, and you responded to my story bc something resonated with you. That is a human connection. And right now I need all of that I can get. And I don't care about anything else except sharing with others and getting the support I'm going to need. And sharing here, with you, with anyone who can be any kind of support, is much appreciated and I know will only help me, not harm me. It's quite intimate, all I'm sharing, but I'm ok with that. This is life. And I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of.

I am crying right now. This is going to be a tough one. I just got off phone with my step mom and we were talking about things. And she just got quiet, and started crying and said she had to go, get off phone, couldn't talk right now.

This is the first time in my life I've ever heard her cry. Just that alone has brought me to tears. And the journey we all have ahead of us. What she has to deal with now. I think they are both still in shock.

I called one of my best friend's too. I'm so lucky I have that...We've been thru so much together...She is one of my rocks...

All I ask is you be here, so I can continue to share, vent. Maybe it is good bc you are a stranger and can have such a neutral, objective view, opinion, help, etc.

One day at a time...I'm OK. Will get thru this. Thank you for the hug.

M

August 5, 2014

And yes, sorry I didn't say it - You are my friend, too. A nonconventional one, for me, but nevertheless. :-)

We all need all the friends we can get, have. I am here for you as well.

I understand your story as well...and your strength and advice, kind, wise words inspire me. To be stronger and a better person. For myself, and for others.

August 6, 2014

And yes, sorry I didn't say it - You are my friend, too. A nonconventional one, for me, but nevertheless. :-)

We all need all the friends we can get, have. I am here for you as well.

I understand your story as well...and your strength and advice, kind, wise words inspire me. To be stronger and a better person. For myself, and for others.

Hey, Missy! Part of what makes us human is sharing with one another. All of this has been totally crazy to be honest! I absolutely agree with you that things happen for a reason. There are few rules which we can go by. No one right way to always come across life. Sometimes, the most interesting and important things happen when we least expect.

I definitely don't do things the conventional way. Convention is completely overrated! This is going to be a whole new journey for you. One that is filled with some amount of stress. So happy to hear that you had a chance to talk with one of your best friends! You have people who care within your corner!

Now, you happen to have one more. It makes me smile to see that you consider me as a friend. Rest assured that I am not going anywhere. I am way too invested in how you are doing at this point.

We givers need to take care of one another. You always give so much of yourself to others. Now, is the chance to let someone give back to you.

August 6, 2014

Yes! Conventional highly overrated! Ha! I agree!

I am feeling a bit better today. Which is weird, given the news of my dad. I am just trying to live in the NOW and face reality. He's in his 80's, this sucks, but we will have to get thru it the best we can...what else can we do? We are aging, our parents are aging, people are going to pass. There will be so many ups and downs, tears, etc. But I'm grateful that my step mother is sharing, being expressive, showing emotion. That is something that has only happened over the last couple of years, as we have mended our relationship. And like I said, yesterday first time I've heard her cry. It's sad, but also healthy. And for her, for that, I have to find some gratefulness. She is such a strong person, hides her true feelings. I'm glad she is opening up...It was not like that my whole life, growing up with her. Oh, the greatness of aging, time, maturity...

:-)

I'm feeling better about the DB ex, too. ;-) I know it's OVER. Doing SO much thinking, moving thru all the feelings. I'm good with that. This is how it goes... I will be OK. Life is not perfect. No one is perfect. Just ride the wave...And accept that is OK. It's ok for me to feel depressed right now. I've been hit with a lot of ****.

But I make the choice of who is in my life, who deserves to be there, who earns it, by their ACTIONS, treatment of me.

This man, ex did his best. But it was not the best for me, and it, he, no longer serves any purpose in my life.

Friends? No. That is over, too. I actually don't want to be friends with him. Not right now. I have nothing to offer to him, to me. I am actually not interested in his life or what he is doing. He has way too much drama. Not interested. He and I have different ways of living, choices, boundaries. I don't feel that connection anymore. I think I knew at the end, but was not admitting it to myself. Did not want to fail. Felt guilty if I left him. A lot of stuff. I'm sure you understand.

But I was not truly happy. He did not make me happy in the ways it counted.

Sure, he called me every day, he was attentive, he was a friend in some ways, great sex, doing things together, shared a lot of stuff, secrets, etc.

But he aloof, not with me 100% emotionally, too distracted with his ex, family, addiction issues, his recovery, working thru details post divorce, his young kids, sharing custody with ex who in his face all the time, too much contact. I did not feel like a priority. He wanted things on his terms. He didn't any compassion for ME and how his stuff affecting me. He did not see a future with me. He told me. I just did not listen. Shaking my head.

He did the right thing by breaking up with me. Because I was a coward and couldn't do it. I thank him for that. I truly do. It's for the best!

Yay! I hope this feeling continues...

August 6, 2014

Yes! Conventional highly overrated! Ha! I agree!

I am feeling a bit better today. Which is weird, given the news of my dad. I am just trying to live in the NOW and face reality. He's in his 80's, this sucks, but we will have to get thru it the best we can...what else can we do? We are aging, our parents are aging, people are going to pass. There will be so many ups and downs, tears, etc. But I'm grateful that my step mother is sharing, being expressive, showing emotion. That is something that has only happened over the last couple of years, as we have mended our relationship. And like I said, yesterday first time I've heard her cry. It's sad, but also healthy. And for her, for that, I have to find some gratefulness. She is such a strong person, hides her true feelings. I'm glad she is opening up...It was not like that my whole life, growing up with her. Oh, the greatness of aging, time, maturity...
:-)

I'm feeling better about the DB ex, too. ;-) I know it's OVER. Doing SO much thinking, moving thru all the feelings. I'm good with that. This is how it goes... I will be OK. Life is not perfect. No one is perfect. Just ride the wave...And accept that is OK. It's ok for me to feel depressed right now. I've been hit with a lot of ****.

But I make the choice of who is in my life, who deserves to be there, who earns it, by their ACTIONS, treatment of me.

This man, ex did his best. But it was not the best for me, and it, he, no longer serves any purpose in my life.

Friends? No. That is over, too. I actually don't want to be friends with him. Not right now. I have nothing to offer to him, to me. I am actually not interested in his life or what he is doing. He has way too much drama. Not interested. He and I have different ways of living, choices, boundaries. I don't feel that connection anymore. I think I knew at the end, but was not admitting it to myself. Did not want to fail. Felt guilty if I left him. A lot of stuff. I'm sure you understand.

But I was not truly happy. He did not make me happy in the ways it counted.

Sure, he called me every day, he was attentive, he was a friend in some ways, great sex, doing things together, shared a lot of stuff, secrets, etc.

But he aloof, not with me 100% emotionally, too distracted with his ex, family, addiction issues, his recovery, working thru details post divorce, his young kids, sharing custody with ex who in his face all the time, too much contact. I did not feel like a priority. He wanted things on his terms. He didn't any compassion for ME and how his stuff affecting me. He did not see a future with me. He told me. I just did not listen. Shaking my head.

He did the right thing by breaking up with me. Because I was a coward and couldn't do it. I thank him for that. I truly do. It's for the best!

Yay! I hope this feeling continues...

Sometimes, extremes bring out the most extreme changes within us. It is good that your step-mother is sharing her emotions and feelings. Perhaps this tragic turn of events will prove to bring the two of you closer. So sad that we all have to age. One thing that hopefully cannot be taken away from us is our memories.

More than okay right now to have mixed emotions. Including being a bit down and depressed. Emotions and feelings are always most healthy when they are not really forced. Forcing yourself to be all better right away is only going to make you worse in the long run. This is where you need to perhaps take a step back. Letting life come to you. So as to take multiple leaps later on.

You are definitely the one who makes all choices going forward. About who you choose to let into your life and everything else. Contact with him at this point will only continue to hold you back. He will just focus on all of his crap. The last thing you need in your life would be someone who is selfish and shallow. Someone who can only think on his own terms. Part of life is learning how to let go. Even though this does tend to suck at times. As I know all too well with relation to my daughter. It does not matter who broke up with whom. You are better off the further away he is from you.

Addictions and Narcassism?

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