Addictions and Narcassism?

August 6, 2014

Yes, agree on all!

I know now for sure I will not contact him. Even though it crossed my mind, I reminded my self of reality and the END of our relationship, not when it was "good". That is being in love with the "idea" of him or the relationship of the past. But that is not the present! Oh, how we get trapped in the past... That's ok and normal part of healing process. For me, I need to move on. I want this feeling, this sadness, slump I'm in, to be gone! I'm an optimistic, glass half full kind of person. I refuse to give him that power to effect me! He's just a person! And a person who decided he didn't want me in his life anymore. Or he did, but wanted it (friends) on his terms, and for what true reasons, I'm not quite sure. The point that I don't trust his intentions, doubt him, is enough to verify we are NOT friends. After 10 months knowing someone, that should be known; you should feel secure, if it's a healthy relationship, friendship. I'm sure he trusted me, as I was an amazing friend! He just capable of returning that. So I bow out. Simple as that... Friendships only work when they are two-sided, give and take, trust, communication, caring, advice, giving and receiving.

Sadly, he has not had a lot of those kinds of healthy relationships, per his choice of who he has chosen to associate with throughout his life. Birds of a feather flick together.

Yes, the longer we are out of touch, the better. I know this, as I've been thru heartbreak a few times before. How we forget! But that is this "drug" called love! Takes a while to get out of our system. And only way to do that is NC.

:-) I have made a promise to myself not to ever contact him again. He ended things. He knows my dad sick. He can reach out to me. But, I did tell him, "We are not friends, best to not be in contact", so, given that, he won't. Pretty sure of that. I get it, and am OK with that.

August 6, 2014

Yes, agree on all!

I know now for sure I will not contact him. Even though it crossed my mind, I reminded my self of reality and the END of our relationship, not when it was "good". That is being in love with the "idea" of him or the relationship of the past. But that is not the present! Oh, how we get trapped in the past... That's ok and normal part of healing process. For me, I need to move on. I want this feeling, this sadness, slump I'm in, to be gone! I'm an optimistic, glass half full kind of person. I refuse to give him that power to effect me! He's just a person! And a person who decided he didn't want me in his life anymore. Or he did, but wanted it (friends) on his terms, and for what true reasons, I'm not quite sure. The point that I don't trust his intentions, doubt him, is enough to verify we are NOT friends. After 10 months knowing someone, that should be known; you should feel secure, if it's a healthy relationship, friendship. I'm sure he trusted me, as I was an amazing friend! He just capable of returning that. So I bow out. Simple as that... Friendships only work when they are two-sided, give and take, trust, communication, caring, advice, giving and receiving.

Sadly, he has not had a lot of those kinds of healthy relationships, per his choice of who he has chosen to associate with throughout his life. Birds of a feather flick together.

Yes, the longer we are out of touch, the better. I know this, as I've been thru heartbreak a few times before. How we forget! But that is this "drug" called love! Takes a while to get out of our system. And only way to do that is NC.

:-) I have made a promise to myself not to ever contact him again. He ended things. He knows my dad sick. He can reach out to me. But, I did tell him, "We are not friends, best to not be in contact", so, given that, he won't. Pretty sure of that. I get it, and am OK with that.

It's very difficult to get over someone you've had strong feelings for even if they treated you badly. It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself you're going to keep away but don't be surprised if you don't.

The best thing you can do for yourself is be radically honest with your feelings. If you want to contact him you say to yourself: I feel like contacting him and that's OK to feel that way. It is what it is.

August 6, 2014

Yes, agree on all!

I know now for sure I will not contact him. Even though it crossed my mind, I reminded my self of reality and the END of our relationship, not when it was "good". That is being in love with the "idea" of him or the relationship of the past. But that is not the present! Oh, how we get trapped in the past... That's ok and normal part of healing process. For me, I need to move on. I want this feeling, this sadness, slump I'm in, to be gone! I'm an optimistic, glass half full kind of person. I refuse to give him that power to effect me! He's just a person! And a person who decided he didn't want me in his life anymore. Or he did, but wanted it (friends) on his terms, and for what true reasons, I'm not quite sure. The point that I don't trust his intentions, doubt him, is enough to verify we are NOT friends. After 10 months knowing someone, that should be known; you should feel secure, if it's a healthy relationship, friendship. I'm sure he trusted me, as I was an amazing friend! He just capable of returning that. So I bow out. Simple as that... Friendships only work when they are two-sided, give and take, trust, communication, caring, advice, giving and receiving.

Sadly, he has not had a lot of those kinds of healthy relationships, per his choice of who he has chosen to associate with throughout his life. Birds of a feather flick together.

Yes, the longer we are out of touch, the better. I know this, as I've been thru heartbreak a few times before. How we forget! But that is this "drug" called love! Takes a while to get out of our system. And only way to do that is NC.

:-) I have made a promise to myself not to ever contact him again. He ended things. He knows my dad sick. He can reach out to me. But, I did tell him, "We are not friends, best to not be in contact", so, given that, he won't. Pretty sure of that. I get it, and am OK with that.

I am incredibly happy to hear this news, Missy! It makes sense to have crossed your mind. There is always the chance that he will even contact you first. Talking with him would prove to be counterproductive to your healing. I have been thinking about that a lot today. Let me try to explain best why I continue saying this.

The thing is that there is no perfect solution as to handling this situation. It would have revolved around you being happily together. That was lost when he chose to manipulate with definitive deceit. Even despite the fact that he broke up with you. So what is left boils down to what would be best on your end.

So the first choice would obviously be talking. Telling him what is going on in your life and all about your father. There are therefore two possible outcomes. Chances are his reaction will be one which is rather selfish. Which only will maybe make you more upset. Nothing positive no matter what there. The other reaction he could have would be showing immediate concern. This will only provide you with possible false hope. Because he is not capable of being there consistently at the end of the day.

The right decision is thus to avoid all contact. Does not mean it is a perfect one. It does not promise perfect days going forward. It simply stops you from falling backward. There cannot be healing unless you continue moving forward.

August 6, 2014

Yes, agree on all!

I know now for sure I will not contact him. Even though it crossed my mind, I reminded my self of reality and the END of our relationship, not when it was "good". That is being in love with the "idea" of him or the relationship of the past. But that is not the present! Oh, how we get trapped in the past... That's ok and normal part of healing process. For me, I need to move on. I want this feeling, this sadness, slump I'm in, to be gone! I'm an optimistic, glass half full kind of person. I refuse to give him that power to effect me! He's just a person! And a person who decided he didn't want me in his life anymore. Or he did, but wanted it (friends) on his terms, and for what true reasons, I'm not quite sure. The point that I don't trust his intentions, doubt him, is enough to verify we are NOT friends. After 10 months knowing someone, that should be known; you should feel secure, if it's a healthy relationship, friendship. I'm sure he trusted me, as I was an amazing friend! He just capable of returning that. So I bow out. Simple as that... Friendships only work when they are two-sided, give and take, trust, communication, caring, advice, giving and receiving.

Sadly, he has not had a lot of those kinds of healthy relationships, per his choice of who he has chosen to associate with throughout his life. Birds of a feather flick together.

Yes, the longer we are out of touch, the better. I know this, as I've been thru heartbreak a few times before. How we forget! But that is this "drug" called love! Takes a while to get out of our system. And only way to do that is NC.

:-) I have made a promise to myself not to ever contact him again. He ended things. He knows my dad sick. He can reach out to me. But, I did tell him, "We are not friends, best to not be in contact", so, given that, he won't. Pretty sure of that. I get it, and am OK with that.

I just wanted to add that you need to be careful with yourself because you're VERY fragile right now and at risk for another bad relationship. I hope you have really close girlfriends in real life that will hold your hand and listen to you talk about your issues. When I was dating and trying to get over some jerk there was no better medicine than having my girlfriends make me laugh.

August 6, 2014

Hi again.

Yes, I know I am doing my best to be strong. And I know that can change by the hour. And I've accepted that. And I know I am still healing... after my break up before this man, I took six months to myself, no dating. I am ok to be alone, and yes, have A LOT of support. That is my saving grace, and actually probably the number one reason I am on a good path. These women are there for me, giving me advice, have listened to my stuff for the last couple of months, when I was having doubts myself, when the break up happened. Two of my friends have been my rocks. No doubt.

I guess I came on here to get some advice, and now am sharing all this, to give my friends a break! They need one! lol Yes, bless them. And I am there for them. We all have our "stuff" and drama... We are middle aged, so a lot of things arise at this age...mid life stuff, friends contemplating divorce, divorce, teen issues, etc. We are there for each other. I am very grateful for that.

That might have been one issue for this past relationship. I had a lot of friends and made sure I found time for them, as well as spending time with my ex. He did not have many male friends. He burned most of his bridges in his divorce, friends all "sided" with his ex wife. Sad, but reality. I became his best friend. I had him, but also 2-3 best girlfriends. Him not having any close guy friends, was a red flag for me. He was the first guy I dated, who did not hang out with guy friends, or seem to have any. Maybe one from HS, and I met him once. Most of his "friends" are acquaintances thru AA, and other recovery groups he is in. All addicts...that was their connection. But he didn't hang out with them. He would do phone meetings with them... In the 10 months we together, I never heard him tell me ONCE that he was going out with a guy friend. We spend one weekend with a childhood friend, once. I found that kind of odd. On the nights I not with him or my kids, I was hanging out with my girlfriends, sister, doing my own thing, etc.

Like I said, I am hurt still. I'm recovering. But I am doing a lot of CLEAR thinking, able to put my emotions aside, trying very hard...to think about how things TRULY where. Using my head here. Looking for all those red flags. I'm older, have been in A LOT of relationships, have been hurt before, including end of a 20 year marriage. So I have some experience. :-) Yes, that does help...Just as with anything. When you've been thru something challenging, hurtful, it does make it a bit easier the next time perhaps? As they say, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger? I have been thru A LOT in my life. I have been on my own since I was 17, no support from parents since then. Yes, this is really tough and will be a roller coaster I'm sure for some time, but I actually believe I may heal a bit faster from this, than previous relationships. Each time you learn something, how to cope, what tools work and don't work, learn about the other person, get HONEST with yourself and your part in the failing of relationship, etc. Because honestly, it takes two to make it, and usually two to break it. I am not perfect. I am not the best communicator at times. I had only dated one other man, after my divorce. I had NO idea about dating, all that stuff, how to deal with baggage, exes, kids, etc. A bit overwhelming. SO many changes after being married for 20 years! Perhaps I am also not quite ready for an exclusive relationship at this time... I can understand that. I may think I am. I may want that. I may think I'm "ready". But perhaps I am not quite there as well. Hence me telling my ex, "We loved each other the best we could." I know my faults. It wasn't all him.

I believe he is a good person inside. He just has some demons to deal with, some maturing to do perhaps. Or maybe not. Maybe he is just the way he is, and I couldn't accept all of him. I tried. I thought I could deal with all his baggage, I wanted to. Because so much was great about us.

But I also have values, boundaries. I feel I sacrificed those with him. He is very very laid back, not too many boundaries. I saw this with how he dealt with his ex wife, with his parents. He is very codependent. Perhaps I have been that way my whole life as well. I have always been in a relationship, minus the time before I met him, and now.

I am vowing to take time now. Yes, meet men, go out on dates, etc. I've met one man, and I made it clear, I'm happy to talk every now and then and be friends, activity partner, but not ready for a relationship. I haven't heard back from him. He wanted me to call him to invite him kayaking. I haven't. I would if I wanted to, but I just don't want to. I'm happy to go by myself, my kids, or friends. I feel nothing regarding him not contacting me. Don't care. Funny - never felt like this before. Spoke with another guy last night - really nice, made me laugh! We might meet for a drink next week. I told him give me a call! I'm not chasing ANY man. If he calls and we go out - great. It's something to do, have some laughs. If he doesn't - don't care. That is a great feeling. And I'm being completely honest here!

I don't want to hole up in my house. I want to mourn and heal, but also think it's OK to talk with people, meet if I'm up to it. Whatever. Just relax, no expectations, go with the flow. That works for me TODAY. If I change my mind tomorrow and decide I get OLD, I'll do it. I will know what is right for me. That feels good. Nothing is carved in stone, nor does it have to be.

Ian - you are so correct when you mentioned that I seem to be the kind of person who wants to "know right now". Have the answers, have things planned out, etc. Yes, I have been a "planner" all my life. Because I've been on my own since 17. Left home and traveled the world, supported myself until I got married in my 20's. I had no choice except to BE a planner, organized - because I had to, in order to survive. No one else was doing it for me. Then a married a man who did not know how to do anything on his own. So for 20 years I was Julie the Cruise Director in my household, in control of EVERYTHING! A lot of work! Three kids! All shopping, calendar, kids activities, vacations, housecleaning, cooking, yard work. So much! Because ex husband worked long hours... That is another story all together!

haha!

So yes, I have lived life. To the fullest in many ways. I tell people, if I died tomorrow, I've lived. I'm proud of that.

Yes, this break up sucks. But I've been thru it before. And I know it wasn't going to last. Not with things as they were. And I couldn't, shouldn't, can't change another person. Or make him what I wanted him to be. No addictions, no codependency on his father/parents, distance himself from his ex wife. I wanted those things! I had dreams of us getting a house together in three years, once my kids off to college. Us starting a life together, and me helping him with his kids. I love kids. I wanted to do that. He did not, obviously.

In my opinion, he cannot, and will not be able to see a future with someone else, and will not be able to have one (not with any self respecting person anyway) until he deals with these issues with ex wife. He needs to forgive himself for hurting her, he needs to make true amends with her, he needs to forgive her. He needs to be ok she has moved on and is dating. He doesn't have to be best friends with her, he doesn't have to be friendly with her. He just needs to be mature, amicable, able to be in same room with her, support their kids together, coparent together. And allow another person in life, be proud of that. Be ok if he, that person he with, and ex wife happen to be in same room together, even if rarely. Say at a kids activity or something. That fact that he excluded me from that - really hurt me. It was like her feelings came over mine. Or he afraid I'd see how he truly felt about her, if we ever ran into her. Once I bought tickets for a concert. We couldn't go, he cancelled because he afraid she might be there. ??? Hello, now that's healthy??? Very high school, sorry.

The more I think about things, all the red flags, and believe me, there were MANY. Many I have not even mentioned.

And it's OK. Everyone we meet, date, cross paths with, are in a relationship with, and there may be many... Is a learning experience and serves a purpose to us. It's so so true. Hard to see that when you are in pain. But even if I'm in pain, I'm a strong, smart cookie. The last year I have been reading SO much stuff, self help stuff, Buddhist stuff, motivational stuff and quotes. Follow a few great blogs... It really helps move the mourning process along. Makes it a bit shorter, perhaps? And like I said, because I've been thru this a few times, it may shorten the mourning period? I am hoping...

All I know is yes, I cannot have contact with him right now. I am very vulnerable. And I know I would be, with him. All I have to remember is he is out there dating, could be seeing someone new, sleeping with someone, falling for someone again. And he has every right to, that is his business. It hurts. But what can I do. He broke up with me.

And honestly, I had SO many doubts about this relationship the last couple of months, it was going down hill. I was uncomfortable, trying to be happy, just hanging on, waiting for him to really understand my feelings about him not being over ex, my challenge with understanding his addictions. I loved him. I wanted to love ALL of him. But I didn't accept all of him. I got upset when he mentioned the ex. I got upset when he would bring up something to do with his addictions. So there you go - I did NOT accept all of him. I wasn't the greatest, compassionate, understanding friend to him. So maybe I didn't truly love him in a completely healthy way either. I wanted all that stuff GONE.

Yet, I was afraid to do the breaking up. Coward, yes. Codependent, yes. Afraid of what my life, days would like without him in it, part of my day. Even with all his baggage. Even though I wasn't completely happy. Even though I was wishing he would be over his ex, his addictions. Those are MY issues to work thru. I am aware of them. And that is a good thing.

Those were not my choices to make or change! Those are his issues, and only he can become a healthier person. And he needs to do that ALONE. Not with me, and probably not jumping right into another relationship, or rebound! Which is probably just what he is doing... But again, his choice. And for that, I have lost some respect for him. Because we talked about that stuff ALL the time! We talked about how I was probably a rebound for him! I thought he had his **** together, was moving forward. Even if we broke up, that he would be smart and do the healthy thing. As a friend, I hoped HE would also take a break and be alone. He has never been alone. Was with ex wife since 15!!! Again, another ref flag when I met him. Only in one serious relationship his whole life, divorced for just a couple of months when I met him. Yes, I know my part... But we just had that connection that is pretty rare. So I gave it a chance. And I have a past, I have been thru a lot, so I understood. I just had NO IDEA how deep his baggage was, or emotions with ex wife. I didn't find that out until two to three months in. By then I had already fallen for him....

Yes, it's going to take time. To forgive myself most of all...that is the biggest part here. Probably more than forgiving him.

August 6, 2014

And question - Even if you do love someone, in any way, isn't it true you just can't be together? It just won't work? Love is never enough. You have to want the same things, for the future. You have to accept all of them, even all their flaws and demons.

I do love this man. But we just couldn't see eye to eye. I didn't understand him or accept him completely. He didn't me. It was a vicious circle. He would talk about ex, try to share with me, because he wanted me to know all of him, wanted to get intimate with me, trust me. He was honest with me about many things. When he did, it was too much for me. I was confused, if he not over ex, can't even say to my face, "I'm not in love with her anymore, I just care about her as the mother of my children. I'm ok with her seeing other people."

He could not do this. I asked him to. So of course I got upset. So then because I got upset, he withdrew, felt he couldn't "trust me", turned it around on me that bc I got upset, now he couldn't open up to me, that he could now not be intimate with me. Hence not grow, move our relationship forward.

I was confused, started feeling resentment, because why the hell did this adult man, make the decision, CHOICE to become involved with me, on such a level...when he knew he was NOT over her, carrying a lot of baggage.

I knew I was over my ex! I would have never entered into a serious relationship if I had not been! I wouldn't have fallen in love with him! I can't love two people at once. At not least if in a healthy way... I guess everyone is different, and this is what I found out. And that it didn't work for me.

I want to be the ONLY ONE in someone's head, sorry! I want to be 100% into someone, and them me. If we are choosing to be exclusive. That is how all my previous relationships have worked. Never have experienced this kind of thing before. Probably why it's thrown me for such a loop!!!

We got stuck. We could not move the relationship into a deeper, more intimate relationship. Hence him not seeing a future with me. Doesn't matter how much I loved him, or him me. I know we loved each other. That is not the issue. Too many other ones were. And they were up to him to solve, up to him to talk about it with me in a manner where we could have found solutions to try to deal with it. He did not. He did not know how to. And I wasn't going to be his therapist. He already had one of those. And he still didn't now how to take action, change his relationship with ex, make new boundaries with her. Because it was affecting US! He did not make me feel like a priority, plain and simple. He should have! He was choosing to be with me, share every day with me, weekends together, his bed with me, go away, travel, met his kids, met my kids. But still has this unhealthy, codependent relationship with ex! WTF. You are DIVORCED. For a reason! Let go! Or be with her, if she's on your mind so much and you miss her, your past, your life with her. Make it happen. Don't use me or waste my time. Be an adult.

Problem? Find a solution and make it happen. Be a man, not a boy. Grow a set. Stand up to her. You owe her NOTHING. Stop allowing her to shame and guilt you into her demands and wants, because you cheated on her. It's OVER. He has not moved past that. Probably not forgiven himself. And certainly not her. He is stuck in some "magical" fantasy that she is still "his". And if she is in his life somehow, even in this warped way, he is still getting positive reinforcement from her, some attention from her. And for him, because he's addicted to her, that is better than nothing.

I get it. I understand addiction. And I don't want to be a part of that. Ever again. I'm an understanding person and we all have baggage. But my choice not to get involved with anything like that again. And I am free now. And that is a good thing. He is who he is. I am who I am. Love is not enough. Or common interests, or great sex.

I want to be better than that. I want my next relationship to be healthy. And happy! I am NOT going to hang onto someone or something that is broken, that can not go back to what it was. That is a fantasy and not reality. I choose to live in reality! I live for today. Not in the past. When something is over, it's over. If the person who broke it off wants to talk, has doubts, man up and make the call. If you are offering friendship, BE a friend.

To have a friend, you have to be a friend. Sorry, but on that, I will not bend.

And yes, we all make mistakes. That is where communication, saying sorry, really explaining yourself comes into play. Having empathy, showing emotion. When he broke up with me, not a tear. Not good.

August 7, 2014

Hi again.

Yes, I know I am doing my best to be strong. And I know that can change by the hour. And I've accepted that. And I know I am still healing... after my break up before this man, I took six months to myself, no dating. I am ok to be alone, and yes, have A LOT of support. That is my saving grace, and actually probably the number one reason I am on a good path. These women are there for me, giving me advice, have listened to my stuff for the last couple of months, when I was having doubts myself, when the break up happened. Two of my friends have been my rocks. No doubt.

I guess I came on here to get some advice, and now am sharing all this, to give my friends a break! They need one! lol Yes, bless them. And I am there for them. We all have our "stuff" and drama... We are middle aged, so a lot of things arise at this age...mid life stuff, friends contemplating divorce, divorce, teen issues, etc. We are there for each other. I am very grateful for that.

That might have been one issue for this past relationship. I had a lot of friends and made sure I found time for them, as well as spending time with my ex. He did not have many male friends. He burned most of his bridges in his divorce, friends all "sided" with his ex wife. Sad, but reality. I became his best friend. I had him, but also 2-3 best girlfriends. Him not having any close guy friends, was a red flag for me. He was the first guy I dated, who did not hang out with guy friends, or seem to have any. Maybe one from HS, and I met him once. Most of his "friends" are acquaintances thru AA, and other recovery groups he is in. All addicts...that was their connection. But he didn't hang out with them. He would do phone meetings with them... In the 10 months we together, I never heard him tell me ONCE that he was going out with a guy friend. We spend one weekend with a childhood friend, once. I found that kind of odd. On the nights I not with him or my kids, I was hanging out with my girlfriends, sister, doing my own thing, etc.

Like I said, I am hurt still. I'm recovering. But I am doing a lot of CLEAR thinking, able to put my emotions aside, trying very hard...to think about how things TRULY where. Using my head here. Looking for all those red flags. I'm older, have been in A LOT of relationships, have been hurt before, including end of a 20 year marriage. So I have some experience. :-) Yes, that does help...Just as with anything. When you've been thru something challenging, hurtful, it does make it a bit easier the next time perhaps? As they say, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger? I have been thru A LOT in my life. I have been on my own since I was 17, no support from parents since then. Yes, this is really tough and will be a roller coaster I'm sure for some time, but I actually believe I may heal a bit faster from this, than previous relationships. Each time you learn something, how to cope, what tools work and don't work, learn about the other person, get HONEST with yourself and your part in the failing of relationship, etc. Because honestly, it takes two to make it, and usually two to break it. I am not perfect. I am not the best communicator at times. I had only dated one other man, after my divorce. I had NO idea about dating, all that stuff, how to deal with baggage, exes, kids, etc. A bit overwhelming. SO many changes after being married for 20 years! Perhaps I am also not quite ready for an exclusive relationship at this time... I can understand that. I may think I am. I may want that. I may think I'm "ready". But perhaps I am not quite there as well. Hence me telling my ex, "We loved each other the best we could." I know my faults. It wasn't all him.

I believe he is a good person inside. He just has some demons to deal with, some maturing to do perhaps. Or maybe not. Maybe he is just the way he is, and I couldn't accept all of him. I tried. I thought I could deal with all his baggage, I wanted to. Because so much was great about us.

But I also have values, boundaries. I feel I sacrificed those with him. He is very very laid back, not too many boundaries. I saw this with how he dealt with his ex wife, with his parents. He is very codependent. Perhaps I have been that way my whole life as well. I have always been in a relationship, minus the time before I met him, and now.

I am vowing to take time now. Yes, meet men, go out on dates, etc. I've met one man, and I made it clear, I'm happy to talk every now and then and be friends, activity partner, but not ready for a relationship. I haven't heard back from him. He wanted me to call him to invite him kayaking. I haven't. I would if I wanted to, but I just don't want to. I'm happy to go by myself, my kids, or friends. I feel nothing regarding him not contacting me. Don't care. Funny - never felt like this before. Spoke with another guy last night - really nice, made me laugh! We might meet for a drink next week. I told him give me a call! I'm not chasing ANY man. If he calls and we go out - great. It's something to do, have some laughs. If he doesn't - don't care. That is a great feeling. And I'm being completely honest here!

I don't want to hole up in my house. I want to mourn and heal, but also think it's OK to talk with people, meet if I'm up to it. Whatever. Just relax, no expectations, go with the flow. That works for me TODAY. If I change my mind tomorrow and decide I get OLD, I'll do it. I will know what is right for me. That feels good. Nothing is carved in stone, nor does it have to be.

Ian - you are so correct when you mentioned that I seem to be the kind of person who wants to "know right now". Have the answers, have things planned out, etc. Yes, I have been a "planner" all my life. Because I've been on my own since 17. Left home and traveled the world, supported myself until I got married in my 20's. I had no choice except to BE a planner, organized - because I had to, in order to survive. No one else was doing it for me. Then a married a man who did not know how to do anything on his own. So for 20 years I was Julie the Cruise Director in my household, in control of EVERYTHING! A lot of work! Three kids! All shopping, calendar, kids activities, vacations, housecleaning, cooking, yard work. So much! Because ex husband worked long hours... That is another story all together!
haha!

So yes, I have lived life. To the fullest in many ways. I tell people, if I died tomorrow, I've lived. I'm proud of that.

Yes, this break up sucks. But I've been thru it before. And I know it wasn't going to last. Not with things as they were. And I couldn't, shouldn't, can't change another person. Or make him what I wanted him to be. No addictions, no codependency on his father/parents, distance himself from his ex wife. I wanted those things! I had dreams of us getting a house together in three years, once my kids off to college. Us starting a life together, and me helping him with his kids. I love kids. I wanted to do that. He did not, obviously.

In my opinion, he cannot, and will not be able to see a future with someone else, and will not be able to have one (not with any self respecting person anyway) until he deals with these issues with ex wife. He needs to forgive himself for hurting her, he needs to make true amends with her, he needs to forgive her. He needs to be ok she has moved on and is dating. He doesn't have to be best friends with her, he doesn't have to be friendly with her. He just needs to be mature, amicable, able to be in same room with her, support their kids together, coparent together. And allow another person in life, be proud of that. Be ok if he, that person he with, and ex wife happen to be in same room together, even if rarely. Say at a kids activity or something. That fact that he excluded me from that - really hurt me. It was like her feelings came over mine. Or he afraid I'd see how he truly felt about her, if we ever ran into her. Once I bought tickets for a concert. We couldn't go, he cancelled because he afraid she might be there. ??? Hello, now that's healthy??? Very high school, sorry.

The more I think about things, all the red flags, and believe me, there were MANY. Many I have not even mentioned.

And it's OK. Everyone we meet, date, cross paths with, are in a relationship with, and there may be many... Is a learning experience and serves a purpose to us. It's so so true. Hard to see that when you are in pain. But even if I'm in pain, I'm a strong, smart cookie. The last year I have been reading SO much stuff, self help stuff, Buddhist stuff, motivational stuff and quotes. Follow a few great blogs... It really helps move the mourning process along. Makes it a bit shorter, perhaps? And like I said, because I've been thru this a few times, it may shorten the mourning period? I am hoping...

All I know is yes, I cannot have contact with him right now. I am very vulnerable. And I know I would be, with him. All I have to remember is he is out there dating, could be seeing someone new, sleeping with someone, falling for someone again. And he has every right to, that is his business. It hurts. But what can I do. He broke up with me.

And honestly, I had SO many doubts about this relationship the last couple of months, it was going down hill. I was uncomfortable, trying to be happy, just hanging on, waiting for him to really understand my feelings about him not being over ex, my challenge with understanding his addictions. I loved him. I wanted to love ALL of him. But I didn't accept all of him. I got upset when he mentioned the ex. I got upset when he would bring up something to do with his addictions. So there you go - I did NOT accept all of him. I wasn't the greatest, compassionate, understanding friend to him. So maybe I didn't truly love him in a completely healthy way either. I wanted all that stuff GONE.

Yet, I was afraid to do the breaking up. Coward, yes. Codependent, yes. Afraid of what my life, days would like without him in it, part of my day. Even with all his baggage. Even though I wasn't completely happy. Even though I was wishing he would be over his ex, his addictions. Those are MY issues to work thru. I am aware of them. And that is a good thing.

Those were not my choices to make or change! Those are his issues, and only he can become a healthier person. And he needs to do that ALONE. Not with me, and probably not jumping right into another relationship, or rebound! Which is probably just what he is doing... But again, his choice. And for that, I have lost some respect for him. Because we talked about that stuff ALL the time! We talked about how I was probably a rebound for him! I thought he had his **** together, was moving forward. Even if we broke up, that he would be smart and do the healthy thing. As a friend, I hoped HE would also take a break and be alone. He has never been alone. Was with ex wife since 15!!! Again, another ref flag when I met him. Only in one serious relationship his whole life, divorced for just a couple of months when I met him. Yes, I know my part... But we just had that connection that is pretty rare. So I gave it a chance. And I have a past, I have been thru a lot, so I understood. I just had NO IDEA how deep his baggage was, or emotions with ex wife. I didn't find that out until two to three months in. By then I had already fallen for him....

Yes, it's going to take time. To forgive myself most of all...that is the biggest part here. Probably more than forgiving him.

I am going to respond to this first and the other message of yours one later on. I want to always take the time to analyze and reflect on what you say. Incredibly long day ahead of me on this end. Just know that you are in my thoughts!

Your feelings are going to continue going back and forth. It says a lot that you are concerned about giving your friends a break. Even despite all of this going on. You take the time to think of others. Extremely different than your ex.

I have to be perfectly honest with you. I do not have any male friends at all. Part of this is because of all the abuse I suffered from my uncle as a child. Obviously the choice to not have any now has been my own. Just have always got along better with women. I know it seems sort of odd on the surface for a man to not have any male friends. So that it causes a red-flag with some.

I also abide by the fact that all in life is specific. Just because my friends are all female does not mean that it is a bad thing. Nor, does it mean that I am not strong. I have been through a lot in my life. Still, I have been able to survive. Thus, your ex not having any male friends by itself did not necessarily make him an unsuitable partner.

Also, will continue to go with the fact that there is no real right time to have something happen within our lives. This totally includes meeting someone. My girlfriend had sworn off men for years before she and I met. She is in the process of finishing her divorce. Not to say that I am all that! Just means that not all happens within a timeline. Things happen when we least expect.

Not that you need to actively search out your next partner either! It obviously continues to be the exact opposite. So, your plan to not be ready to rush into the next relationship sounds good. Actually makes a whole lot of sense. Just continue to keep your eyes open is all I would ask. It would make me sad if you missed out on something sensational. Just based on being hurt in the recent past. Or, on what your plan has to be. This extends to things which do not even include meeting a man.

I definitely know what you mean about wanting to know things sooner than later. Also have a lot of experience having to figure things out on my own. Having a plan and knowing things means we are analytical and reflective. Both are positive personality traits. This is what makes it so challenging to draw back at times and not push as hard. Patience and prudence can pay off.

Your ex is not capable of being a great partner at this point. He is not really able to even be a good friend. None of this needs to be your concern any longer. Nor, is it your responsibilty. He is most likely going to jump into another relationship. It will be up to that woman and him to deal with what comes from that. You have more than enough on your plate right now than to give him one more moment of concern or thought. You are never going to totally forget what happened. Just try to fully forgive him soon so that you can continue to move forward.

The time will come when you will also be able to forgive your own self. I am also my own worst critic and do understand. You just have to not try to beat yourself up so much for all these red-flags which were supposedly missed. It will almost perhaps prove to be a possible problem going forward.

Not everything fits inside of a neat little box. This includes the wild world of realtionships. It would be so nice if it did! Would make life so much more direct and easy. Also, much more boring and predictable as well. I have no male friends at all. This alone does not make me a horrible partner. You were under the influence of someone who led you on. Does not matter how all this developed. Nor, who broke up with whom. What matters most is your happiness going forward. Every single person and thing we come across in life is always specific.

August 7, 2014

Thank you for taking time...

You give me a lot to think about.

Yes, nothing or life isn't, nor will be perfect or challenging. This goes for relationship, too. But we all do have values, likes and dislikes, etc. Things we question, people's choices and behaviors that show there values, their character, how life with them might be. He doesn't have close male friends, or female friends. Maybe one. I see your point. I guess the reason it a red flag for me, was that I didn't want him to be too "needy" with me, or stop being with friends, meeting new friends, etc. He lost most friends (but they were not close friends) with divorce. It just concerned me because I hung out, went out with my friends, both female and male, he never did. I didn't want to be his only friend. To me, just my own opinion and what works for me, that isn't healthy. I knew he had intimacy issues. I wanted him to grow, part of his recovery...meet new friends. For HIM. But yes, I know that was and should always be his choice. And it doesn't make him a bad person or unable to be in a relationship.

That's just one piece of everything, yes.

I appreciate your take on things. Yes, we are flawed human beings. I don't care about that, or his. I accepted all of them. It is how he handled them, that made all the difference. And yes, certain things made me uncomfortable. Especially the sex/love addiction stuff. Hard to wrap my head around that. I know it's just like any other addiction and the physiological dynamics behind it.

But it was hard to hear. Especially when something triggered him, and he would tell me. Yes, it's amazing he honest with me. But hard to hear he tempted or looking at other women, when he with me. What did that say about us? Like I said, vicious circle. Him telling me things, me having hard time with it, questioning how those things, thoughts in his head, affected us. And they did. And there was no talking about it in a way to find a solution, work together, patience with me, due to the very heavy subject matter. Sex addiction a tough issue for couples!

It's not something I would get involved in again. That one's a tough one! I'm pretty laid back and understanding. But for me, I have certain things that are deal breakers for me. Heavy drinking, cheating, lying. And I have learned thru this experience, as I've never been involved with a recovering addict, that won't work for me. Drugs, alcohol, etc. if one is clean and sober, sure. But the sex and love addiction is not something I can cope with. I accept that and can be honest with myself. And that's ok. I think some boundaries are a good thing! So you can be sure to match up with someone similar, similar values, etc. I think that's an important part of a relationship.

He's a special person, yes, I loved him SO SO much. But his personality lead him to do certain things, not do certain things, treat our relationship in a way that I didn't agree with. And I'm sure he felt the same. He needs to find someone who will accept all of him, understand and accept how he is. That's not me anymore.

I'm still in recovery from being in that relationship, the loss. But I know it's for the best. For both of us. I love him enough to let him go. I haven't yet, and that's normal and healthy. If he is out there already sleeping with someone so quickly, that confirms what I was afraid of. That he hasn't learned anything. Cannot take a break and be alone, concentrate on himself, his young children who need him! They have been thru a divorce, too. Sad for them. But not my business. And that is just my opinion, not "right" or "wrong". He will do what's best for h

August 7, 2014

He will do what's best for himself and his kids. As he did when he ended our relationship. He was already gone... Now it's my turn...

My mind still overthinking, analyzing, what ifs...gotta get the chemicals in check! :-) In time. It will happen. I think getting over romantic love is the hardest thing of all, no matter what happened, who broke up with who. Doesn't matter. There was love at one point. I wanted to grow and learn with him, had hope I could understand, deal with everything! I wanted to! Be a more understanding, loving, giving person. I tried! I wanted more time, I had faith he and I could do it! Battle it together! He was my best friend, partner in crime. Even with the issues, I loved being with him. Hard to explain. I just loved him. All of him. But I guess I was hoping for something that would never change or get resolved. Sometimes makes no sense to me...how I fell for someone like that. But I did. He's not an awful person. Just couldn't love me the way I wanted. He said that. At least he was honest about that.

I don't want to go on and on about it either...but it's still fresh and raw.

Thanks for listening! Hope your day goes well! I'm back to work myself!

And enjoying this awesome weather!

August 7, 2014

And question - Even if you do love someone, in any way, isn't it true you just can't be together? It just won't work? Love is never enough. You have to want the same things, for the future. You have to accept all of them, even all their flaws and demons.

I do love this man. But we just couldn't see eye to eye. I didn't understand him or accept him completely. He didn't me. It was a vicious circle. He would talk about ex, try to share with me, because he wanted me to know all of him, wanted to get intimate with me, trust me. He was honest with me about many things. When he did, it was too much for me. I was confused, if he not over ex, can't even say to my face, "I'm not in love with her anymore, I just care about her as the mother of my children. I'm ok with her seeing other people."

He could not do this. I asked him to. So of course I got upset. So then because I got upset, he withdrew, felt he couldn't "trust me", turned it around on me that bc I got upset, now he couldn't open up to me, that he could now not be intimate with me. Hence not grow, move our relationship forward.
I was confused, started feeling resentment, because why the hell did this adult man, make the decision, CHOICE to become involved with me, on such a level...when he knew he was NOT over her, carrying a lot of baggage.
I knew I was over my ex! I would have never entered into a serious relationship if I had not been! I wouldn't have fallen in love with him! I can't love two people at once. At not least if in a healthy way... I guess everyone is different, and this is what I found out. And that it didn't work for me.
I want to be the ONLY ONE in someone's head, sorry! I want to be 100% into someone, and them me. If we are choosing to be exclusive. That is how all my previous relationships have worked. Never have experienced this kind of thing before. Probably why it's thrown me for such a loop!!!

We got stuck. We could not move the relationship into a deeper, more intimate relationship. Hence him not seeing a future with me. Doesn't matter how much I loved him, or him me. I know we loved each other. That is not the issue. Too many other ones were. And they were up to him to solve, up to him to talk about it with me in a manner where we could have found solutions to try to deal with it. He did not. He did not know how to. And I wasn't going to be his therapist. He already had one of those. And he still didn't now how to take action, change his relationship with ex, make new boundaries with her. Because it was affecting US! He did not make me feel like a priority, plain and simple. He should have! He was choosing to be with me, share every day with me, weekends together, his bed with me, go away, travel, met his kids, met my kids. But still has this unhealthy, codependent relationship with ex! WTF. You are DIVORCED. For a reason! Let go! Or be with her, if she's on your mind so much and you miss her, your past, your life with her. Make it happen. Don't use me or waste my time. Be an adult.
Problem? Find a solution and make it happen. Be a man, not a boy. Grow a set. Stand up to her. You owe her NOTHING. Stop allowing her to shame and guilt you into her demands and wants, because you cheated on her. It's OVER. He has not moved past that. Probably not forgiven himself. And certainly not her. He is stuck in some "magical" fantasy that she is still "his". And if she is in his life somehow, even in this warped way, he is still getting positive reinforcement from her, some attention from her. And for him, because he's addicted to her, that is better than nothing.

I get it. I understand addiction. And I don't want to be a part of that. Ever again. I'm an understanding person and we all have baggage. But my choice not to get involved with anything like that again. And I am free now. And that is a good thing. He is who he is. I am who I am. Love is not enough. Or common interests, or great sex.

I want to be better than that. I want my next relationship to be healthy. And happy! I am NOT going to hang onto someone or something that is broken, that can not go back to what it was. That is a fantasy and not reality. I choose to live in reality! I live for today. Not in the past. When something is over, it's over. If the person who broke it off wants to talk, has doubts, man up and make the call. If you are offering friendship, BE a friend.

To have a friend, you have to be a friend. Sorry, but on that, I will not bend. And yes, we all make mistakes. That is where communication, saying sorry, really explaining yourself comes into play. Having empathy, showing emotion. When he broke up with me, not a tear. Not good.

True love to me means accepting and taking all of a person. Not just the best possible parts. This is one reason why usually it's better to almost know too much as opposed to nothing at all. Some say that getting to know someone should be an easy and simple process full of fun. I think that having fun is important. Having things in common is really nice.

I also think that really being able to communicate and compromise with a proposed partner is incredibly telling. Not that it is always easy to do so at all. Not always fun to talk about the past. Just because something may be more challenging and complicated does not make it any less important. The past does not define us. Yet, it is something which is a part of who we are. Thus, our partner needs to be in the know. Not in a half-ass way nor one which takes months and years to come about.

You can care for someone and love that person. Does not mean that he/she is the best fit for you as a partner going forward. That is sort of what sounds like happened to you. You had many things that were in common. Had a lot of laughs together and the sex was great. You spent a large amount of free time together. The main issues revolved around his addictions, dishonesty, and narcissism. Not to mention that he hasn't fully gotten over his ex. None of this he was showing any effort to improve so as to try fighting for your relationship. Please feel free to tell me if I am completely way-off!

He definitely made the choice to get involved with you. Even despite all of his individual issues. It is thus his responsibilty to deal with the consequences of his choices. You made the choice to get involved with him. He led you on for a long period of time. Could not give you all he had. Not the way you gave him all of yourself. The relationship was not healthy for you. Thus, you could never have been completely happy with him. The extraordinary you deserve would not have basically been possible. This is what you have found going forward. Now, you have to each pick up the pieces of what is left behind. Each of you in definitively different ways. Completely apart from one another.

August 7, 2014

He will do what's best for himself and his kids. As he did when he ended our relationship. He was already gone... Now it's my turn...
My mind still overthinking, analyzing, what ifs...gotta get the chemicals in check! :-) In time. It will happen. I think getting over romantic love is the hardest thing of all, no matter what happened, who broke up with who. Doesn't matter. There was love at one point. I wanted to grow and learn with him, had hope I could understand, deal with everything! I wanted to! Be a more understanding, loving, giving person. I tried! I wanted more time, I had faith he and I could do it! Battle it together! He was my best friend, partner in crime. Even with the issues, I loved being with him. Hard to explain. I just loved him. All of him. But I guess I was hoping for something that would never change or get resolved. Sometimes makes no sense to me...how I fell for someone like that. But I did. He's not an awful person. Just couldn't love me the way I wanted. He said that. At least he was honest about that.

I don't want to go on and on about it either...but it's still fresh and raw.

Thanks for listening! Hope your day goes well! I'm back to work myself!
And enjoying this awesome weather!

You are a friend of mine, silly! I am thus going to make time for you. I think that being too needy is not a healthy thing. It suggests that a person is way too dependent on someone specific. Sort of an uncomfortable feeling for the other person to have. A person should have specific interests outside of the relationship. I totally agree with you there.

I am the kind of person who does like to have alone time. Time to read and write. So as to reflect on life at times. This is something which I do during my free time instead of going out with friends. Because all of my friends live rather far away. Basically based on where my life has taken me.

The thing is that I encourage my other half to continue having just as much contact with her friends as she did before we met. I will always want to enhance her life. Not try to control or change it. Nor, do I need a therapist. This is actually what your ex may need the most. That's not what a relationship is really about. Your job is not to fix the person you are with. There is nothing at all fun about having to base intimacy on that.

Yet, you do hope to find someone you can confide in. Someone who will have your back the same way he/she enjoys messing around with your front! Plus, the only front and back your partner in crime should want is your own! He did not handle his crap in a proactive or positive way. Did not show any effort to address your concerns. You would have been giving him everything and not getting much if anything back. This is where the relationship was doomed to fail. Not necessarily based as much on his lack of friends.

The thing I have learned through my failed relationships is that there are no rules we can always count on. Not always the same exact red-flags to always look out for. Not a guidebook we can completely confide in. Each one makes us hopefully better having gone through that experience. It makes us more aware perhaps in general. Trying to be observant is always a good thing. It just needs to be more in general is all. Not good to let our past experiences close us off. We need to give each individual who crosses paths with us today a fair chance.

Any addiction is all about the inability to deal with daily stress. They are totally based on psychological factors. I have said that they are all dependent on the individual choices we make. This is something I will stand by. He could have chosen to make your relationship a priority. Could have decided to try being stronger and more willing to compromise. Perhaps the initial effort would have been a start toward making you feel more comfortable. Life is all about priorities. The boundary which should have been most important revolves around his inability to fully value you.

Hope you have enjoyed your weather! My girlfriend and I are in the initial stages of planning a move across country. Very long story to be honest and one which will hopefully be of a benefit to her kids. A place with much warmer weather! Perhaps, I will post more about it within the next few days.

August 7, 2014

Once again, agree with all you have said. Great words of wisdom, indeed. And nice to know someone truly understand all the dynamics at play here.

Yes, we all make choices. Our past affects us, but should not define us. But once again, that is a choice. It is hard work for some people, given their personalities, to make change. And easier for others. And yes, addictions are a form of weakness, in my opinion. There are many other healthy choices to be made, to deal with stress. Some people were just not taught that or modeled that when a child. That has a lot to do with it. He did not receive healthy modeling, boundaries, consequences or parenting as a child. No excuse, but I understand part of why he is as he is... In spite of my f ed up childhood, I do thank my parents for being strict in a way, making me work hard, rules and consequences, go to church, treat all people with respect, take responsibility for your actions, be independent. Hasn't been easy in some respects. But I have to see the benefits of that and my positive attributes are because of at least some beneficial things I received in my childhood...

This too shall pass. And yes, I've learned so much and grown. I am not the same woman from a year ago, when I met him. And that is only a good thing. I will mourn this in a healthy way, the best I can. I have a right to my feelings and being "stuck" right now. That will change. I will make it happen.

One day at a time, moving forward...

I hope all your planning goes well! I hope this is a good, healthy move for the both of you, and you are excited. Although I'm sure it's a mix of emotions. Change is always that. :-) I wish you guys well, and luck! And positive thoughts, happy planning! If she is going to be closer to her kids, that is a good thing. And bless you for being supportive and being on her team. :-)

Chat later... I'm going hiking and camping with my boys this weekend. Can't wait. :-)

August 8, 2014

Once again, agree with all you have said. Great words of wisdom, indeed. And nice to know someone truly understand all the dynamics at play here.

Yes, we all make choices. Our past affects us, but should not define us. But once again, that is a choice. It is hard work for some people, given their personalities, to make change. And easier for others. And yes, addictions are a form of weakness, in my opinion. There are many other healthy choices to be made, to deal with stress. Some people were just not taught that or modeled that when a child. That has a lot to do with it. He did not receive healthy modeling, boundaries, consequences or parenting as a child. No excuse, but I understand part of why he is as he is... In spite of my f ed up childhood, I do thank my parents for being strict in a way, making me work hard, rules and consequences, go to church, treat all people with respect, take responsibility for your actions, be independent. Hasn't been easy in some respects. But I have to see the benefits of that and my positive attributes are because of at least some beneficial things I received in my childhood...

This too shall pass. And yes, I've learned so much and grown. I am not the same woman from a year ago, when I met him. And that is only a good thing. I will mourn this in a healthy way, the best I can. I have a right to my feelings and being "stuck" right now. That will change. I will make it happen.

One day at a time, moving forward...

I hope all your planning goes well! I hope this is a good, healthy move for the both of you, and you are excited. Although I'm sure it's a mix of emotions. Change is always that. :-) I wish you guys well, and luck! And positive thoughts, happy planning! If she is going to be closer to her kids, that is a good thing. And bless you for being supportive and being on her team. :-)

Chat later... I'm going hiking and camping with my boys this weekend. Can't wait. :-)

Totally can relate to so much of what you have said. Agree wholeheartedly with what you say about the past. Not necessarily a form of weakness all by itself to be addicted. Just much more of a hindrance not having the ability to overcome it.

Our parents are responsible for giving us boundaries and consequences. It is challenging when we do not have these within our childhood.

Still, we are all responsible for our own selves at the end of the day. Much more so as we continue to get older. He needs to thus take full responsibility for his own actions. Regardless of his unbalanced upbringing.

The both of us are strong souls. We both have overcome our past. It says a lot about a person who is able to move past challenges which cannot really be controlled. Not that we are perfect at all. Just that we try to be the best possible each and every day. We refuse to let what has happened in the past define either of our lives.

Thank you for the positive thoughts, Missy! I will write more on our journey in a thread this weekend. It may help to get all of it out there. Please let us know any possible updates on your dad. He continues to be in my thoughts.

August 8, 2014

It is nice to talk with you and share...Yes, we all have a story to tell. I am sorry for all that happened to you in your youth, but am happy to hear when people have risen above it, accepted things, maybe even forgiven these people who have hurt them. It's very difficult and it takes a long time to process things, but as we age and mature, we can do it.

We need to remember that we ALL have a past, we all have things that have happened to us, and obviously these adults who did not have the tools to love us as children, in a completely healthy manner, have their own pasts, issues, and skeletons. And unfortunately we were on the receiving end of their own insecurities, fears, issues, unsettled "business" with their own pasts... It just sometimes gets handed down and down down...

I am happy that we were able to break that pattern. I am proud to be a good mom! It's the one thing I'm the proudest of. :-)

And you sound like you are doing good things with your life, and you "get it".

It is nice to talk and share with someone who can recognize things, not be so negative about it, share, and try to find some positive in it. That is what I try to do. Yes, I have my days... We are all human.

My dad has cancer. It's not going to be an easy road. But we will take one day at a time, be there for him the best we can, allow him at his age, to do what he chooses, for the most part, for his care. It is his life and I respect that. I just don't want to see him suffer or in any pain. I watched my mother pass of cancer. I can't believe I have to go thru it again. I think I'm still in shock. I know when I see him, I may get emotional. Which I've never done in front of my dad. But that's OK. This is life. And the circle of life. People do not live forever. Him being older, does take the sting away a bit. My mom was in her 60's, so that was extra tough.

I know S is trying to overcome his addictions. It's not easy. But he also has a certain kind of personality that accompanies that. I am not sure it's specifically narcacism all the way, but yes, we are very different in some ways we view the world, values, etc. He comes from a lot of drama. I really don't. I try to keep away from that stuff...

It's his life. And my life is my life. Maybe some day when things settle, we can be friends. That is not today. And I'm sure he understands that, even if he wants to be friends right now. That does not work for me, so I will do what I need to do, for me. I need to rid myself of any romantic feelings, forgive myself, him, accept and really see and understand things clearly, what happened in the relationship, learn from it, and take from that in order to move forward. And not repeat my past decisions. I cannot say "mistake".

There are no mistakes. Everything serves a purpose - good and bad. We may not see the lesson, when we are in the midst of the bad stuff - but in time, with deep thought and reflection, we will eventually see the lesson...

I look forward to keeping in touch... Enjoy your weekend!

- M

August 9, 2014

It is nice to talk with you and share...Yes, we all have a story to tell. I am sorry for all that happened to you in your youth, but am happy to hear when people have risen above it, accepted things, maybe even forgiven these people who have hurt them. It's very difficult and it takes a long time to process things, but as we age and mature, we can do it.

We need to remember that we ALL have a past, we all have things that have happened to us, and obviously these adults who did not have the tools to love us as children, in a completely healthy manner, have their own pasts, issues, and skeletons. And unfortunately we were on the receiving end of their own insecurities, fears, issues, unsettled "business" with their own pasts... It just sometimes gets handed down and down down...

I am happy that we were able to break that pattern. I am proud to be a good mom! It's the one thing I'm the proudest of. :-)

And you sound like you are doing good things with your life, and you "get it".

It is nice to talk and share with someone who can recognize things, not be so negative about it, share, and try to find some positive in it. That is what I try to do. Yes, I have my days... We are all human.

My dad has cancer. It's not going to be an easy road. But we will take one day at a time, be there for him the best we can, allow him at his age, to do what he chooses, for the most part, for his care. It is his life and I respect that. I just don't want to see him suffer or in any pain. I watched my mother pass of cancer. I can't believe I have to go thru it again. I think I'm still in shock. I know when I see him, I may get emotional. Which I've never done in front of my dad. But that's OK. This is life. And the circle of life. People do not live forever. Him being older, does take the sting away a bit. My mom was in her 60's, so that was extra tough.

I know S is trying to overcome his addictions. It's not easy. But he also has a certain kind of personality that accompanies that. I am not sure it's specifically narcacism all the way, but yes, we are very different in some ways we view the world, values, etc. He comes from a lot of drama. I really don't. I try to keep away from that stuff...

It's his life. And my life is my life. Maybe some day when things settle, we can be friends. That is not today. And I'm sure he understands that, even if he wants to be friends right now. That does not work for me, so I will do what I need to do, for me. I need to rid myself of any romantic feelings, forgive myself, him, accept and really see and understand things clearly, what happened in the relationship, learn from it, and take from that in order to move forward. And not repeat my past decisions. I cannot say "mistake".

There are no mistakes. Everything serves a purpose - good and bad. We may not see the lesson, when we are in the midst of the bad stuff - but in time, with deep thought and reflection, we will eventually see the lesson...

I look forward to keeping in touch... Enjoy your weekend!

- M

Hi, Missy! I continue enjoy talking with you as well. The past controls us only as we choose to let it. We are always in control of our situation at the end of each day. This is something we all need to consider.

We simply need to turn all negative into a positive. Even as challenging that may seem to be. It is how we learn to adjust to what life throws at us. It is not always going to be a bowl of bountiful cherries. Makes us so much stronger for having had the adversity.

I basically just think that life is what we make of it. Choosing to appreciate what we have tends to be incredibly enlightening. I am so thankful for what positive has come to me. Try to appreciate the little things we tend to miss. This is why I want to surround myself with others who focus much more on the positive. It is ultimately why I could not have a relationship with my aunt and uncle. Nor, why I couldn't stay with my ex in the end.

So sorry to hear the news about your dad. I know about death all too well. I sense that your first instinct is to be strong. So as to be there for him. Just know that getting emotional is totally okay. Holding things in only leads to more acute and severe ones. Also, know that you are not alone. I will continue to be here for you if it helps.

Your ex was not able nor willing to compromise. Above all else which was going on. He would never have been able to fully appreciate your emotions and feelings because of being too self-centered. There is another thread in which a woman felt threatened by her boyfriend's prolific use of porn. He basicallly promised to stop but continued to watch it. Plus, he did it in secret. Whether or not he enjoys doing it is not really the issue to me. It is the blatant disrespect of his other half. The man was not even willing to compromise. He should have stopped because of wanting to. Not because he had to. Life is all about priorities. You should be enough of a priority that your partner would care about your feelings.

You are continuing to move on each and every day. Making me smile like crazy. Your thoughts as to your ex make complete sense. Have to still do what is best for you at this point. It is his loss when we really reflect on this. We cannot always find until we actually lose. If that makes any sense at all.

August 10, 2014

Hi. Yes, all you say makes sense. Loss sucks, but it creates growth and not at the time, but with time, strength.

It also allows us, if we take the opportunity and we have that maturity, to look at ourselves, within ourselves, to see what we brought to the table. And our part in the relationship. And why this other person may have reacted to us, our behaviors, too. It goes both ways.

For me, I'm finding I can do this better and better after each break up. This recent one has taught me SO much. About myself. About my issues, my weaknesses, my abandonment issues. I knew I had them. I always think I have that in check, and that I'm such a strong person. But I'm not all the time. I don't want to be like this. I'm trying so hard. I actually enjoy my alone time! Don't feel like I need a man in my life, I just want one! But once again, I'm having trust issues, fears, etc. don't really feel like meeting anyone new. Feel like it's a waste of my time. Feeling apathetic about it.

Even though I'm letting go of this past relationship. Trying to let go of the disappointment, the anger. Want to be friends, but how can I, if I'm still angry? I don't want to treat him like that. It doesn't matter what happened, no one deserves to have anger thrown at them. And that's what I do, when sad, frustrated, feel abandoned. That's not a friendship. He never yelled at me.

Part of me just wants to wipe the slate clean, forget about all we did to hurt each other, this crazy dance we did. Each of us has issues. Neither one of us ready for what we thought we were ready for. I can't put all the "blame" on him. That's not being honest. No, we can't have a romantic relationship. But I want him as my friend. He wants me as a friend. I think. I want to find that out, to see if he's being genuine, and can do that. Then I will know. And if he's not, he can't be a true friend, then I can close this chapter with this person. I have plenty of friends. But he doesn't. I want to try give that to him, be his friend. He needs one. I care about him. I understand him. I don't want him gone from my life. I just don't know how to do it.

Everyone says, No contact! I don't know if that's always true, or the answer for every relationship. Especially for us older, more mature folks, who have been in many relationships, marriages, divorces, etc.

I don't know. I think I'm going to call him and apologize for my anger and the times I yelled at him. That is my part. What I'm responsible for. So I can feel better, for ME. It has nothing to do with asking to get back together. I've never done that, said I miss him, etc. I know he did what's best for him, his happiness, and also mine. We both know we weren't happy. We both know all the issues. Yes, he has A LOT of issues. But those are HIS. And bc I'm not his GF anymore, I can't get angry, judge, want them to go away, etc. No expectations! As it should be...

I just want to let all that **** go. In the scheme of life, and if we can try be friends, is it all that important? I just want to talk about happy stuff with him, talk about stuff we each doing, share, etc. like friends do. I want that chance to try. And I'm ok now, have accepted our past is over and cannot be recreated. That's over. The idea is over. I can't be in his life as a GF. I don't want that. I know it would never work as it was, as he is. But friends might work. Might. Try it. If not, ok. At least I tried. I can do my part, see how he does with this new dynamic, if he really is offering me friendship, or if it's only about him... I want to find out.

What do you think?

August 10, 2014

Hi. Yes, all you say makes sense. Loss sucks, but it creates growth and not at the time, but with time, strength.

It also allows us, if we take the opportunity and we have that maturity, to look at ourselves, within ourselves, to see what we brought to the table. And our part in the relationship. And why this other person may have reacted to us, our behaviors, too. It goes both ways.

For me, I'm finding I can do this better and better after each break up. This recent one has taught me SO much. About myself. About my issues, my weaknesses, my abandonment issues. I knew I had them. I always think I have that in check, and that I'm such a strong person. But I'm not all the time. I don't want to be like this. I'm trying so hard. I actually enjoy my alone time! Don't feel like I need a man in my life, I just want one! But once again, I'm having trust issues, fears, etc. don't really feel like meeting anyone new. Feel like it's a waste of my time. Feeling apathetic about it.

Even though I'm letting go of this past relationship. Trying to let go of the disappointment, the anger. Want to be friends, but how can I, if I'm still angry? I don't want to treat him like that. It doesn't matter what happened, no one deserves to have anger thrown at them. And that's what I do, when sad, frustrated, feel abandoned. That's not a friendship. He never yelled at me.

Part of me just wants to wipe the slate clean, forget about all we did to hurt each other, this crazy dance we did. Each of us has issues. Neither one of us ready for what we thought we were ready for. I can't put all the "blame" on him. That's not being honest. No, we can't have a romantic relationship. But I want him as my friend. He wants me as a friend. I think. I want to find that out, to see if he's being genuine, and can do that. Then I will know. And if he's not, he can't be a true friend, then I can close this chapter with this person. I have plenty of friends. But he doesn't. I want to try give that to him, be his friend. He needs one. I care about him. I understand him. I don't want him gone from my life. I just don't know how to do it.

Everyone says, No contact! I don't know if that's always true, or the answer for every relationship. Especially for us older, more mature folks, who have been in many relationships, marriages, divorces, etc.

I don't know. I think I'm going to call him and apologize for my anger and the times I yelled at him. That is my part. What I'm responsible for. So I can feel better, for ME. It has nothing to do with asking to get back together. I've never done that, said I miss him, etc. I know he did what's best for him, his happiness, and also mine. We both know we weren't happy. We both know all the issues. Yes, he has A LOT of issues. But those are HIS. And bc I'm not his GF anymore, I can't get angry, judge, want them to go away, etc. No expectations! As it should be...

I just want to let all that **** go. In the scheme of life, and if we can try be friends, is it all that important? I just want to talk about happy stuff with him, talk about stuff we each doing, share, etc. like friends do. I want that chance to try. And I'm ok now, have accepted our past is over and cannot be recreated. That's over. The idea is over. I can't be in his life as a GF. I don't want that. I know it would never work as it was, as he is. But friends might work. Might. Try it. If not, ok. At least I tried. I can do my part, see how he does with this new dynamic, if he really is offering me friendship, or if it's only about him... I want to find out.

What do you think?

Hey! Hope this finds the camping trip having gone well. All the loss we experience completely gives us the opportunity to self analyze. It is one of the gifts we should cherish. I definitely did not just 'get like this' so to speak. My life experiences have made so much of who I am. Both the good and bad.

I think that one of the issues is that we always analyze everyone else too much. When something does not really go right I mean. So as to deflect the details of the blame on someone else. This is not always fair and prudent. We are at the end of the day in control of our own selves. No matter how many friends or family members we may have. This is why I cannot help but admire how much inward reflecting you have been doing. Your ex is out of your intimate life now. Every day, the loss will hopefully get a little easier. He is not continuing your journey now. I wish that people would take more responsibility. Should basically be a part of learning.

What helps us learn the most is our experiences. Not books and the opinions of others. We have to get through challenging things before appreciating all of our blessings. Not one of us is going to avoid making mistakes. What matters is how we choose to react.

You may not have handled the relationship the exact way you wished to. There are things now which you may look back on and regret. I cannot even promise you that there will be no mistakes in how you continue moving forward with the break-up. Not that there will be intentional ones at all. Just that there could be moves which you later regret.

This is where you need to try not beating yourself up so much! The main key here is that you are no longer in a relationship which holds you back. Have faith that the actions you are generally taking continue to bring forward your journey. The exact way it is ultimately meant to be. Does not mean that there will not be any forks in the road. Just that there is an ending which will exist.

As for the friendship aspect of this all. Thank you for asking my advice, Missy! One of the things we definitely have in common is that you truly tend to think of others along with your own self. This is part of why you are personally having so many conflicting feelings. It is important to try staying strong and maintain doing what makes most sense on your end. No matter if you decide to contact him or not. So, my response will be based on what is best for you.

My original thought was to avoid contact with this man. Because of all the hurt he seems to have caused you. You are a friend of mine. I suppose this has to do with being sort of protective. I want nothing more than for you to move forward. It led to the initial thought that talking to him at all will hold you back.

Yet, I should also take into account some of my own advice. All in life is specific. There are no rules we have to abide by all of the time. You specifically seem to be missing the friendship more than any intimacy. This makes total sense to me. It also is important that you are not missing the relationship. That would make contact with him perhaps a problem. You have gone from contact with someone every day to basically nothing at all. Someone who you have many things in common with. If contacting him will make you happy, and not bring up any unrealistic thoughts about getting back together, then there is no reason why you should not extend your friendship. How he responds and what comes/does not come back to you as a result is all within his own control. Just be prepared that he may not be able to offer exactly what you are looking in as a friend. As a result of all we have previously discussed.

I am sure that many will disagree with me. Just as many have in that thread I have been posting on so much this weekemd. If you really want to see a whole difference in people, then go check that out! Part of what makes life so fun is being able to have our own opinions! But, back to this. Most think you should go all contact at any cost. I say that we need to make our own rules and do what is best for us within the moment.

August 10, 2014

For my sake and to have closure on my end, I want to apologize to him for some things I did. I believe in order to at least try to have some kind of friendship, I must do that. For ME. How he reacts, is his choice yes. He could have changed his mind during this time of LC, then NC, met someone new, decided friendship not what he wants. Yes, this is life and it changes on a dime! I am used to change, as my life has been full of that. Some people don't have that background, so change, fluidity, is a struggle. As so many threads on here show!

Change is SO hard, yes! But it's a good thing sometimes! Serves a purpose that will show in time. If we choose to see it. Be honest, don't deny, make excuses, blame others, blame our circumstances.

Life is hard for most people. We have to learn to roll with it.

I am a forgiving person. I am not a vengeful, hurtful person. I believe in so much of the Buddhist religion. But also am not a doormat. I think a balance of that is a good thing, and what's needed more in this world.

I accept this man could not love me as I wanted, in a romantic relationship. But I now realize some of my expectations were unwarranted and unhealthy, and not giving in a loving manner. It is hard to explain. I just know we had an awesome friendship. And all that "romance" and expectations got the best of me. I rushed things, too. I could have directed the relationship and put the breaks on. I didn't. In some ways I've realized I'm not 100% healthy either and maybe not quite ready for a committed thing either. I was married for 20 years! I still have trust issues! I don't want to live with any man right now! I like being alone at times. I have kids to get off to college, job to focus on, my financial future to think about. No man is going to take care of that. I have to do it! It's hard for us single moms who spent years focusing on our kids. It's hurt me career wise and I need to get that figured out...

So I'm actually ok to try with him. I want to find out what he defines as "friendship". Just talk every now and then? Start off slow for now? I have no desire to speak with every day. I don't talk with any of my friends everyday. Oh, oops, except for you now! haha

I want to see if we both can do it. See if he's worked on any of his issues. Give him a chance to BE a friend to me. And vice versa. All we can do is try. If I can't. If I get emotional, angry, bring up past crap...then I'll know. And that's not fair to anyone. That's over. I don't want to hash over it anymore. I'm done. If he brings it up, sure I'll talk. I just want to move forward!

I'm feeling the best I've felt in awhile. I had a wonderful day yesterday, yes. Amazing day actually. I was calm, reflective, exhaled... Letting it go. Just letting it all go. And not caring what comes of it. I'm fine either way. I'm fine alone for now. With or without his friendship. I don't "need" it. I just do like talking with him. And he is a good listener with me. Or was. We shall see. I'm prepared for anything at this point! Don't care either way... I've already detached from him, and have no burning desire to see him, or want what we had, back. What we actually did not make me happy. I said I was "happy". I wasn't! Hung in there bc of the good stuff, and just bitched about the stuff I not happy with...that's not fair to any one. I should have walked away when I knew our values didnt match up. When I knew he not over ex. I knew!!! But I stayed! Bc I didn't want to "fail" or hurt him. Or be alone. Or have to get back online, start over again! I was content to settle. Tried to convince myself all the good was worth it. So wrong!

Because yes, CHANGE sucks sometimes! Esp to leave a relationship. Hardest thing to do!

When it feels right, I will call him. That's how I feel today. But tomorrow is a new day...and who knows what can happen. And that's a beautiful thing. Trying to get back to the true me. I miss her... :-) I don't EVER want to get "lost" in another relationship or person! That whole "romance" thing, move too fast. Red flag. I'm too old for that ****. haha. That is passion, lust, chemical attachment - not real love.

I will let you know what happens...

August 10, 2014

For my sake and to have closure on my end, I want to apologize to him for some things I did. I believe in order to at least try to have some kind of friendship, I must do that. For ME. How he reacts, is his choice yes. He could have changed his mind during this time of LC, then NC, met someone new, decided friendship not what he wants. Yes, this is life and it changes on a dime! I am used to change, as my life has been full of that. Some people don't have that background, so change, fluidity, is a struggle. As so many threads on here show!

Change is SO hard, yes! But it's a good thing sometimes! Serves a purpose that will show in time. If we choose to see it. Be honest, don't deny, make excuses, blame others, blame our circumstances.

Life is hard for most people. We have to learn to roll with it.

I am a forgiving person. I am not a vengeful, hurtful person. I believe in so much of the Buddhist religion. But also am not a doormat. I think a balance of that is a good thing, and what's needed more in this world.

I accept this man could not love me as I wanted, in a romantic relationship. But I now realize some of my expectations were unwarranted and unhealthy, and not giving in a loving manner. It is hard to explain. I just know we had an awesome friendship. And all that "romance" and expectations got the best of me. I rushed things, too. I could have directed the relationship and put the breaks on. I didn't. In some ways I've realized I'm not 100% healthy either and maybe not quite ready for a committed thing either. I was married for 20 years! I still have trust issues! I don't want to live with any man right now! I like being alone at times. I have kids to get off to college, job to focus on, my financial future to think about. No man is going to take care of that. I have to do it! It's hard for us single moms who spent years focusing on our kids. It's hurt me career wise and I need to get that figured out...

So I'm actually ok to try with him. I want to find out what he defines as "friendship". Just talk every now and then? Start off slow for now? I have no desire to speak with every day. I don't talk with any of my friends everyday. Oh, oops, except for you now! haha

I want to see if we both can do it. See if he's worked on any of his issues. Give him a chance to BE a friend to me. And vice versa. All we can do is try. If I can't. If I get emotional, angry, bring up past crap...then I'll know. And that's not fair to anyone. That's over. I don't want to hash over it anymore. I'm done. If he brings it up, sure I'll talk. I just want to move forward!

I'm feeling the best I've felt in awhile. I had a wonderful day yesterday, yes. Amazing day actually. I was calm, reflective, exhaled... Letting it go. Just letting it all go. And not caring what comes of it. I'm fine either way. I'm fine alone for now. With or without his friendship. I don't "need" it. I just do like talking with him. And he is a good listener with me. Or was. We shall see. I'm prepared for anything at this point! Don't care either way... I've already detached from him, and have no burning desire to see him, or want what we had, back. What we actually did not make me happy. I said I was "happy". I wasn't! Hung in there bc of the good stuff, and just bitched about the stuff I not happy with...that's not fair to any one. I should have walked away when I knew our values didnt match up. When I knew he not over ex. I knew!!! But I stayed! Bc I didn't want to "fail" or hurt him. Or be alone. Or have to get back online, start over again! I was content to settle. Tried to convince myself all the good was worth it. So wrong!

Because yes, CHANGE sucks sometimes! Esp to leave a relationship. Hardest thing to do!

When it feels right, I will call him. That's how I feel today. But tomorrow is a new day...and who knows what can happen. And that's a beautiful thing. Trying to get back to the true me. I miss her... :-) I don't EVER want to get "lost" in another relationship or person! That whole "romance" thing, move too fast. Red flag. I'm too old for that ****. haha. That is passion, lust, chemical attachment - not real love.

I will let you know what happens...

You are seriously amazing! Taking total responsibilty like this. If only he could do the same on his end! Balance would be so beautiful. There definitely does not always need to be such severe extremes. One of my biggest regrets is not being able to make peace with my aunt and uncle. I tried to do so a few times. Just maybe should have tried one more.

There is totally not any romance going on. You are just basically missing a good friend. Even despite all of the issues going on and all. Even after all of the problems within your relationship. You still had a lot of fun with one another. You both seemed to have lots of specific things in common. Sounds as if the time you have had apart as made you appreciate the friendship even more. The signs seem to be pointing toward at least offering a connection.

The most important thing is that you not let there be any expectations. Even going forward with your hopefully renewed friendship. He may not be able to be the friend you ultimately would like him to be. May still tend to be sort of selfish at times. He may not always be able to give you all of himself. Moreover, he may still talk more about his ex. Then again, you will hopefully be able to have some laughs again. He will be back inside your life instead of being isolated from it. Not the way you may have originally hoped or planned. Still, not completely outside in the extremes either.

Taking each day one at a time is the best you can do at this point. Your emotions and feelings may change by the minute. That is when you need to allow them to. A relationship should be about commitment and trust. Your partner should enhance your life and not control or change it. There will always be times of stress. Compromise and compassion are important. Yet, the key is to have it mostly be fun instead of stressful. You had to work way too hard within your last relationship. This is what you may try to avoid next time.

August 10, 2014

Hey! I just jumped on here, reading some other threads. I did read the other one you are commenting on. Yes, porn is a touchy subject, I see! :-)

Thanks for the support! And remember, I am taking Wellbutrin, which has prob kicked in...I am ok admitting that. I hope it is only a temporary thing. Again, one day at a time, and we will see.

Yes, I'm going to move forward, and reach out to him, some light talk, see what happens. I'm going in with my EYES wide open. I know him, so yes, I hate to say this, but I'm going to "test" him and see what he does... If he is still selfish or the conversations lean more towards him, his drama, etc. If it's equal, and he seems to genuinely care about what's going on with me...we will see. If it's a two-way friendship, and we don't revisit the past too much, I'm good with that.

If he wants to talk about his ex wife - go for it. I'm his friend now. Maybe now I can give my advice and bc it's not coming from me as a GF, things won't get heated between us. I know he's still working thru his feelings for her, trying to get on with his life. That is why we broke up! Among other reasons... I don't care what he talks about. The only thing I do not want to hear about right now, is if he is dating or those details. I will make that boundary, if it comes up. Also with me, if I am. We are not ready for that. I want to take baby steps. I just want to apologize, because last time we spoke, I got emotional and raised my voice. I was angry about so much. Mainly how could he be so irresponsible and get into an exclusive R with me, when not over ex. Just dredging up the past. And I don't want to do that anymore. I want to forget all that. Bc what is the point? It's done, it's over. It was his choice. And my choice how I responded to it, I stayed with him, knowing that. So whatever. I guess I've been wanting to put all the blame on him, and really I can't.

People can treat us badly or not in a way we like, desire. But it's our choice how to respond to that. We can work it out, or walk away. Just like the porn issue. It is a deeper issue, yes. If someone is not honest, withholds, that is lying. Doesn't matter what it's about. Sure, a "mistake" once. A "choice" the second time it happens. And yes, communication and compromise. But for bigger issues, such as addiction, lying, etc., is there room for compromise? I'm not sure about that. But everyone is different, has different boundaries. We all have our own internal moral compasses and what we are willing to accept, and not.

I have two choices: one - cut him out of my life completely and never talk to him again. Sure, I could do that. And in time, he will be gone from my mind. And from time to time, I would smile when I think of the good times. As I do with many past loves...

two: try for the first time to have a friendship with an ex. A real one, with whom I talk with from time to time, share stuff, etc. I am FB friends with my BF from HS, but it's only to "like" our photos and such. He's a great guy, married, 4 kids. Haven't seen him in 20 years. Don't need to, want to. But nice to see pics of his family. Brings a smile to my face. Great guy, just not great for me. (I was 16, he was 20. He wanted to get married, I said, NO WAY! Thank god mature enough to realize that we too young!)

I am all about growing, being a bigger person, beyond the circumstances. Forgiving, accepting, letting the water run under the bridge. But I'm also not going to take any crap either. He has the chance to be a friend. And me, too. Who knows if I can? I am a tough one, too. I have trouble asking for help, saying I "need" someone, a friend. Does not come easy for me. Can I honestly reach out to him only as a friend, if I need one? If I'm having a bad day, emotional once this stuff with my dad surfaces? Or should I be turning to my GF's? It's a tough one... He is still a man. A man with whom I was intimate with. That is reality. I know what I'm getting into...

Who knows if I will fall back, and feelings will resurface? Who knows what tomorrow brings? Who cares? I just want to see what happens. I want to try. All I can do! And I'm OK with it going either way. Truly. I think I can handle it. If I can't, I'm going to try to be VERY self aware and totally honest. And if I can't, I will tell him. I already told him I needed time to get rid of the other feelings before friendship. He knows this. He knows I've needed time. I know he wants to reach out, but isn't because I've told him this. And the times he has, I've been emotional. He knows him calling, his voice, upset me, triggered me, I went down memory lane, angry still. That's normal. I told him so, and told him, it will pass with time. I had a right to be angry... I hope he has also been reflecting on that and understands... We will see. Maybe he won't want to take my call, talk with me. Maybe me being emotional and raising my voice was the end for him. He tried to reach out to me as a friend, and I acted a bit crazy. I get that, and that will be his choice, his reaction to me. Maybe that was it for him and now he's done, the offer is off the table.

We all make our choices. What's meant to be, will be. I'm tired of over thinking, analyzing, trying to control it, figure it out, can he be my friend?

All I can do is call, calmly say I'm sorry for yelling, where do we go from here, what do you want? And let him speak... Try SO hard not to bring up the past or the past relationship. That's done and over. It's a good test for me, too, to see if I can do that. If I can be respectful and kind to him, think of his feelings, be a friend as well. If I'm yelling at him, emotional, that's not being a friend or respecting his boundaries. I don't want to do that to him. I don't want to be like that, treat anyone like that. For any reason! I hate yelling. It's a fault of mine. Especially when PMSing, yes. No excuse. And yes, I was very very hurt by this person. But I should be able to calming state that, as a mature adult. No yelling. This relationship has helped me see MY issues. Which I'm so thankful for. I am thankful to him for that. We talked about so many things. Like I said, closest I've been with a man, as far as being friends, in a romantic relationship. That is progress for me, as I have trust and intimacy issues. I can pull away, use anger to push people away or something... I want to change that.

I am looking for things to be grateful. And that I'm growing and learning about myself is one of them. What he does, is his business. I am MY business and making sure I'm the best I can be. So I can enter into next romantic relationship an emotionally healthier person. Some day I want one that "sticks". :-) And half of that, is up to ME.

I hope you have a great evening.

- M

August 11, 2014

I - Please don't have regret that you didn't resolve things with your Aunt and Uncle! You did the best you could! And were dealt a hand (as I was) you didn't ask for, as an innocent child.

I know how you feel, though. Same thing happened with me and my biological mother. She passed of cancer in five weeks. She was so sick the last two weeks, so I really had THREE weeks to try to find some kind of resolve, communication with her. But I just couldn't do it. Once again, I was a "caregiver", thinking of others over myself, no matter what they do to me! I felt so badly she dying of cancer, I didn't want to burden her with stirring up the past...ask her why she gave us up? What happened? Between her and my dad? How could a mother give up her kids??? What was her story? I wanted to know! To hear some kind of explanation, so maybe it would make some sense to me.

But over the years I've accepted it. She just couldn't handle being a mother. She thought so, but nope. She went thru a divorce. And remarried an alcoholic. She choose a life with him, over us. That is the truth. Why did I need to hear it come from her lips? Anyone could figure it out. Plain and simple - she just didn't have the tools, had her own issues, that made her incapable of being a responsible, emotionally healthy, loving parent. Some people can, some people cannot. I have a sister who is the same way. Should not have ever had children...So sad.

She had her own childhood issues. She had some mental illness. I have learned to pity her, not be angry or hold onto that we didn't speak of it, or I didn't hear her say, "Sorry". I wanted that back then. It was about HER, not ME or anything I did! I now realize we don't really need to hear those words. I don't anyway... Will it really make a difference? Will it change anything?

Yes, that regret we carry with us, it's a scar, somethings we wished we'd done, said. I'm sorry you didn't get that resolution. I really understand. I'm sorry your aunt and uncle didn't give that to you. But given how they were, kind of person my mother was, we probably were not ever going to get that. Even if they lived longer... Because perhaps they didn't feel or understand that empathy, as we do? Or carrying all that shame in what they did. Could not face up to it? Just brush under the rug? That denial and stuffing we've talked about. And that generation very different; there was no talk about feelings, self realization, being open, like our society is now.

Please don't have that regret! You did the best you could, given the circumstances placed upon you! An innocent child! Just try have that acceptance in your own heart now. Try to feel pity for them. There was nothing you could have done. You know all this... :-)

And today you seem like a very intelligent, emotional, compassionate, forward thinking, self reflecting human being. Able to express himself, live the way he wants to, help others, etc.

Those are awesome gifts. So something in your life went right! Your past was a part of molding you into who you are. And your gifts have come about, thru that past as well.

So there is a silver lining perhaps... If we just change around our way of thinking, perspective. :-) Sometimes we can do that, sometimes we cannot. And that is OK. Yes, each day and how we feel might be different...and there are things that trigger us daily, and affect our feelings, expressions, etc. This is being an emotional being, human.

August 11, 2014

Hey! I just jumped on here, reading some other threads. I did read the other one you are commenting on. Yes, porn is a touchy subject, I see! :-)

Thanks for the support! And remember, I am taking Wellbutrin, which has prob kicked in...I am ok admitting that. I hope it is only a temporary thing. Again, one day at a time, and we will see.

Yes, I'm going to move forward, and reach out to him, some light talk, see what happens. I'm going in with my EYES wide open. I know him, so yes, I hate to say this, but I'm going to "test" him and see what he does... If he is still selfish or the conversations lean more towards him, his drama, etc. If it's equal, and he seems to genuinely care about what's going on with me...we will see. If it's a two-way friendship, and we don't revisit the past too much, I'm good with that.

If he wants to talk about his ex wife - go for it. I'm his friend now. Maybe now I can give my advice and bc it's not coming from me as a GF, things won't get heated between us. I know he's still working thru his feelings for her, trying to get on with his life. That is why we broke up! Among other reasons... I don't care what he talks about. The only thing I do not want to hear about right now, is if he is dating or those details. I will make that boundary, if it comes up. Also with me, if I am. We are not ready for that. I want to take baby steps. I just want to apologize, because last time we spoke, I got emotional and raised my voice. I was angry about so much. Mainly how could he be so irresponsible and get into an exclusive R with me, when not over ex. Just dredging up the past. And I don't want to do that anymore. I want to forget all that. Bc what is the point? It's done, it's over. It was his choice. And my choice how I responded to it, I stayed with him, knowing that. So whatever. I guess I've been wanting to put all the blame on him, and really I can't.

People can treat us badly or not in a way we like, desire. But it's our choice how to respond to that. We can work it out, or walk away. Just like the porn issue. It is a deeper issue, yes. If someone is not honest, withholds, that is lying. Doesn't matter what it's about. Sure, a "mistake" once. A "choice" the second time it happens. And yes, communication and compromise. But for bigger issues, such as addiction, lying, etc., is there room for compromise? I'm not sure about that. But everyone is different, has different boundaries. We all have our own internal moral compasses and what we are willing to accept, and not.

I have two choices: one - cut him out of my life completely and never talk to him again. Sure, I could do that. And in time, he will be gone from my mind. And from time to time, I would smile when I think of the good times. As I do with many past loves...

two: try for the first time to have a friendship with an ex. A real one, with whom I talk with from time to time, share stuff, etc. I am FB friends with my BF from HS, but it's only to "like" our photos and such. He's a great guy, married, 4 kids. Haven't seen him in 20 years. Don't need to, want to. But nice to see pics of his family. Brings a smile to my face. Great guy, just not great for me. (I was 16, he was 20. He wanted to get married, I said, NO WAY! Thank god mature enough to realize that we too young!)

I am all about growing, being a bigger person, beyond the circumstances. Forgiving, accepting, letting the water run under the bridge. But I'm also not going to take any crap either. He has the chance to be a friend. And me, too. Who knows if I can? I am a tough one, too. I have trouble asking for help, saying I "need" someone, a friend. Does not come easy for me. Can I honestly reach out to him only as a friend, if I need one? If I'm having a bad day, emotional once this stuff with my dad surfaces? Or should I be turning to my GF's? It's a tough one... He is still a man. A man with whom I was intimate with. That is reality. I know what I'm getting into...

Who knows if I will fall back, and feelings will resurface? Who knows what tomorrow brings? Who cares? I just want to see what happens. I want to try. All I can do! And I'm OK with it going either way. Truly. I think I can handle it. If I can't, I'm going to try to be VERY self aware and totally honest. And if I can't, I will tell him. I already told him I needed time to get rid of the other feelings before friendship. He knows this. He knows I've needed time. I know he wants to reach out, but isn't because I've told him this. And the times he has, I've been emotional. He knows him calling, his voice, upset me, triggered me, I went down memory lane, angry still. That's normal. I told him so, and told him, it will pass with time. I had a right to be angry... I hope he has also been reflecting on that and understands... We will see. Maybe he won't want to take my call, talk with me. Maybe me being emotional and raising my voice was the end for him. He tried to reach out to me as a friend, and I acted a bit crazy. I get that, and that will be his choice, his reaction to me. Maybe that was it for him and now he's done, the offer is off the table.

We all make our choices. What's meant to be, will be. I'm tired of over thinking, analyzing, trying to control it, figure it out, can he be my friend?

All I can do is call, calmly say I'm sorry for yelling, where do we go from here, what do you want? And let him speak... Try SO hard not to bring up the past or the past relationship. That's done and over. It's a good test for me, too, to see if I can do that. If I can be respectful and kind to him, think of his feelings, be a friend as well. If I'm yelling at him, emotional, that's not being a friend or respecting his boundaries. I don't want to do that to him. I don't want to be like that, treat anyone like that. For any reason! I hate yelling. It's a fault of mine. Especially when PMSing, yes. No excuse. And yes, I was very very hurt by this person. But I should be able to calming state that, as a mature adult. No yelling. This relationship has helped me see MY issues. Which I'm so thankful for. I am thankful to him for that. We talked about so many things. Like I said, closest I've been with a man, as far as being friends, in a romantic relationship. That is progress for me, as I have trust and intimacy issues. I can pull away, use anger to push people away or something... I want to change that.

I am looking for things to be grateful. And that I'm growing and learning about myself is one of them. What he does, is his business. I am MY business and making sure I'm the best I can be. So I can enter into next romantic relationship an emotionally healthier person. Some day I want one that "sticks". :-) And half of that, is up to ME.

I hope you have a great evening.

- M

You are always very welcome, Missy! Your plan sounds like a very positive and rather proactive one. I like that you are going in with an open mind. There is definitely a difference between a relationship and friendship. No doubt at all about that! Good that you have a basic boundary within your mind! That will prove to be very beneficial. Also great that your desire to get back in touch revolves around wishing to move forward as opposed to backward. The time for blame has long passed. No matter of importance at the end of the day.

Totally our own choice how to respond. I could not actually agree more. That porn issue is truly a deeper one. As is the case with any sort of addiction. I am not really sure how there can be compromise with someone who is simply not honest and open with you. No matter what all of the other issues are. This is why I suggested that woman leave her other half. It is not the addiction that is the main problem within a relationship. This is something that can perhaps be worked out with a little patience and understanding from both parties. What cannot be tolerated is ruthless and total lying. Perhaps I say this because of having been lied to so much. It is up to our own moral judgements though. I can only speak for my own self. Please tell me if my thoughts on that thread have been crazy! I have been known to be wrong before and completely respect your opinion.

Having the friendship with him is important to you. It is something you continue to miss. Being in contact again may prove to be beneficial to him as well. Especially, since he lacks having many friends. He may be able to give you a different kind of persepective on things because of being a guy. You can try to contact him when having a bad day. You just need to prepare that he may not be able to offer much comfort or compassion. Not necessarily because he does not care. He simply may not know how to at this point. Maybe the friendship will have to be a specific kind of one. One which is very light and lots of fun. Without him being your main friend to completely count on. All you can do right now on that end is try. Your girlfriends and I will be here for you as well!

August 11, 2014

I - Please don't have regret that you didn't resolve things with your Aunt and Uncle! You did the best you could! And were dealt a hand (as I was) you didn't ask for, as an innocent child.

I know how you feel, though. Same thing happened with me and my biological mother. She passed of cancer in five weeks. She was so sick the last two weeks, so I really had THREE weeks to try to find some kind of resolve, communication with her. But I just couldn't do it. Once again, I was a "caregiver", thinking of others over myself, no matter what they do to me! I felt so badly she dying of cancer, I didn't want to burden her with stirring up the past...ask her why she gave us up? What happened? Between her and my dad? How could a mother give up her kids??? What was her story? I wanted to know! To hear some kind of explanation, so maybe it would make some sense to me.

But over the years I've accepted it. She just couldn't handle being a mother. She thought so, but nope. She went thru a divorce. And remarried an alcoholic. She choose a life with him, over us. That is the truth. Why did I need to hear it come from her lips? Anyone could figure it out. Plain and simple - she just didn't have the tools, had her own issues, that made her incapable of being a responsible, emotionally healthy, loving parent. Some people can, some people cannot. I have a sister who is the same way. Should not have ever had children...So sad.

She had her own childhood issues. She had some mental illness. I have learned to pity her, not be angry or hold onto that we didn't speak of it, or I didn't hear her say, "Sorry". I wanted that back then. It was about HER, not ME or anything I did! I now realize we don't really need to hear those words. I don't anyway... Will it really make a difference? Will it change anything?

Yes, that regret we carry with us, it's a scar, somethings we wished we'd done, said. I'm sorry you didn't get that resolution. I really understand. I'm sorry your aunt and uncle didn't give that to you. But given how they were, kind of person my mother was, we probably were not ever going to get that. Even if they lived longer... Because perhaps they didn't feel or understand that empathy, as we do? Or carrying all that shame in what they did. Could not face up to it? Just brush under the rug? That denial and stuffing we've talked about. And that generation very different; there was no talk about feelings, self realization, being open, like our society is now.

Please don't have that regret! You did the best you could, given the circumstances placed upon you! An innocent child! Just try have that acceptance in your own heart now. Try to feel pity for them. There was nothing you could have done. You know all this... :-)

And today you seem like a very intelligent, emotional, compassionate, forward thinking, self reflecting human being. Able to express himself, live the way he wants to, help others, etc.

Those are awesome gifts. So something in your life went right! Your past was a part of molding you into who you are. And your gifts have come about, thru that past as well.

So there is a silver lining perhaps... If we just change around our way of thinking, perspective. :-) Sometimes we can do that, sometimes we cannot. And that is OK. Yes, each day and how we feel might be different...and there are things that trigger us daily, and affect our feelings, expressions, etc. This is being an emotional being, human.

Your words bring me so much comfort, Missy. I truly do think that my aunt and uncle simply did not know how to be good parents. Based on the way that each was raised. Not that it excuses all of their actions. It just helps me to relate a little easier while trying to at least understand better. Sad how it is a sort of vicious cycle at times. One that some refuse to break.

It is the children who end up suffering based on bad parents. Ones who have no business being providers. This is what may be the most sad aspect of all. They make you have get a license in order to drive. Make you earn a degree to have certain careers. Say you have to be a certain age before drinking. Though, anyone at all can basically be a parent. So many kids end up behind the eight-ball before even having any chance at all. It takes an incredibly strong soul to survive such severe situations.

This is more of a reason why my other half and I are so adamant about getting her kids away from an alcoholic and abusive father. One who cannot help but cause negative within all of their lives. I am willing to accept that the kids will accuse me of taking them away from their father. I am ready to accept that knowing they will be so much more safe and better off. Children all need to be given a safe and fair chance.

I was sad to learn today that there are a couple of tenure cases being tried in the courts. Basically, parents and students are trying to sue because teachers with more senority are being given unfair treatment. So, great teachers who may not have tenure are being let go while horrible teachers with senority get to stay. Regardless of effectiveness or anything else. Leaving bad teachers all over our schools. Not providing all kids with fair and equal education. So, perhaps we need to totally get rid of tenure. Or, at least extend or modify the actual requirements. I am a teacher saying this! There is actually one situation in California in which they got rid of a teacher of the year because she did not have tenure! Then, they have the nerve to complain about the insufficiency of our educational system and teachers. Maybe give the teachers a little more pay and benefits. Incentives increased to go teach in the inner-city schools where kids need the most. Instead, there are only more expectations given to teachers. Schools totally have our kids behind the eight-ball as well. Okay, getting way off track here!

You are right about the generation difference as well. That is something I always just seem to forget. It really does relate to all of this. I relaize that my uncle did not ever really want me. It was just hard hearing him say those exact words. Never necessarily needed his total approval. I just really wanted him to respect me. If that makes any sense at all.

Your complements are way too kind to be honest! I just try to be a good person. Treat others the way I would like to be treated. This is what I instill within my students. That is all it boils down to. I still make tons of mistakes! Just try to learn from all of them and not make the same ones. Thank you for all of those thoughtful sentiments. Coming from you, it all means a lot!

August 11, 2014

Hey. Yes, of course what you say makes sense! I think that is what it comes down to - we want to feel that respect goes both ways. A relationship can't be or be healthy without that. We both know when it's one sided, it just doesn't work when one person feels unloved, not respected. And if we speak up, say what we need and want, and we still do not get that, there is nothing wrong with letting go, saying, NO, that person can't be in my life anymore. If someone is making you unhappy, can't see your side or have empathy, compassion, and doesn't try to compromise, change, etc. to make the relationship better, that is when you know that relationship is over. And it's OK to sever ties.

I think that is what you did with your aunt and uncle? You had to think about yourself, be unselfish. I know that is hard for you. As it's hard for me... We do want to treat others as we want to be treated. But that doesn't mean we have to be a doormat either. We try, we find out. That is how it goes... either the relationship improves, moves forward, if both people want that and do the work, or if falls apart, because it's not two sided, equal. You know? That teamwork we've talked about. And compromise. But it's way more than that.

I hear ya. I know my father didn't want another child. He didn't want me either. He loved me the best he could. But same - just want that respect. Of how I'm living my life now, respect me as a person. Not necessarily as his daughter. Because we just don't have that kind of relationship. It's hard to explain. I know he loves me in his way. But he he's had his own issues his own life. He's very detached, antisocial, etc. He's 82 and that will never change. I may never hear him say anything of that kind, that he respects me. Even as he's sick. Even when he's near death. I need to accept this. It's just the way it is. Some things we cannot change. No matter how much we try or give. Gotta let go.

Well, I called my ex this morning. I called him and he was on other line, and called me right back. I calmly told him I was sorry for raising my voice last conversation, that no matter what, no one deserves that. That it's a fault of mine and I'm sorry.

He said, Thanks for saying that, that's very nice of you. Not necessary. I know you are upset and hurting. I said yes, but still, you don't deserve that.

That was it. He said, Talk to you soon. And we hung up.

I guess that's it. Now I see what happens. I am not reaching out to him again.

I understand him wanting to be "friends" might have just been something he felt right after break up, but now that some time has passed, he has changed his mind, he is moving on. No longer needs that from me. He might have just been trying to let me down easy, get himself off the hook, make himself look like a "nice guy", etc. I know this in reality.

I said my peace. I am good with that. If that was our last conversation, so be it. I can hold my head up high that I apologized and did not let our last conversation be one of anger. I did not want that. For myself.

I let go now. The cards on his table. There is nothing else I can do right now. I don't know what will happen. I don't know what tomorrow brings. I am getting better with living in the NOW. Letting go of the "what ifs". I can't do that anymore.

I just needed to share this with someone. Thank you for listening.

I'm feeling strong, OK, and sad at the same time. I miss him very much. The whole thing just sucks. Anyway - thanks.

I hear ya re: the tenure thing. It is the same thing here. That is one thing I don't agree with re: public schools. My kids have had some bad teachers, and they kept their jobs because of tenure. So wrong. Then got to retire after 20-30 years and get all these benefits, retirement, etc. Yes, agree - teaching should not be unionized. They should be paid and rewarded like any other job. EARN IT. You are a great teacher, there should be rewards. Not a good teacher, parents complaining, kids not happy, test scores low, etc. there should be consequences. If you are not doing your job, at any other job, you are fired. I hate that teachers have all these "protections". Very wrong, IMO. I know you are a teacher, so I don't mean to offend... :-)

Hope your planning for your move is going well. I read your other post and I'm sure it's not easy. You are taking on a lot. Her kids are lucky to have two people who truly care for them. The youngest is about the age when I went to live with my dad and stepmother. It will be tough. But if you all get into family counseling, individual counseling, that is great! Good for you. It will be OK. Yes, there will be issues. But it's how you deal with them, that makes the difference. It will not be a walk in the park. But if you and your GF are good parents, and both give those kids the love and support they need, and do right by them, you know in the end, all will be OK. They are young. They are going to be confused. But as they age, they will see all you did for them. It will pay off. Hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel - but that is a similar situation I was in. And now I love my stepmother more than anything and thank her for raising me, not my biological mother. It was the best thing that we ended up with my dad and stepmother. Same - not easy, issues, but I didn't have what you and your GF can offer to those kids. I was missing that. And I'm STILL grateful now for living with my dad vs mother! I would have ended up in jail, dead, or something even worse, if I'd been raised by her and her alcoholic husband (my stepfather)!!!

You guys are doing a wonderful thing. A very unselfish, difficult thing. She is so blessed to have you, your support, you willing to move, take on those kids as your own. Pat yourself on the back, man!

I am here for support. You will need it, that is reality. There will be a lot emotional stuff with those kids you are going to encounter. You will need all the support you can get! So get it, and take it! :-) You and her will not be able to do this alone. You know this...

OK - Off to begin my day...

August 11, 2014

Hey. Yes, of course what you say makes sense! I think that is what it comes down to - we want to feel that respect goes both ways. A relationship can't be or be healthy without that. We both know when it's one sided, it just doesn't work when one person feels unloved, not respected. And if we speak up, say what we need and want, and we still do not get that, there is nothing wrong with letting go, saying, NO, that person can't be in my life anymore. If someone is making you unhappy, can't see your side or have empathy, compassion, and doesn't try to compromise, change, etc. to make the relationship better, that is when you know that relationship is over. And it's OK to sever ties.

I think that is what you did with your aunt and uncle? You had to think about yourself, be unselfish. I know that is hard for you. As it's hard for me... We do want to treat others as we want to be treated. But that doesn't mean we have to be a doormat either. We try, we find out. That is how it goes... either the relationship improves, moves forward, if both people want that and do the work, or if falls apart, because it's not two sided, equal. You know? That teamwork we've talked about. And compromise. But it's way more than that.

I hear ya. I know my father didn't want another child. He didn't want me either. He loved me the best he could. But same - just want that respect. Of how I'm living my life now, respect me as a person. Not necessarily as his daughter. Because we just don't have that kind of relationship. It's hard to explain. I know he loves me in his way. But he he's had his own issues his own life. He's very detached, antisocial, etc. He's 82 and that will never change. I may never hear him say anything of that kind, that he respects me. Even as he's sick. Even when he's near death. I need to accept this. It's just the way it is. Some things we cannot change. No matter how much we try or give. Gotta let go.

Well, I called my ex this morning. I called him and he was on other line, and called me right back. I calmly told him I was sorry for raising my voice last conversation, that no matter what, no one deserves that. That it's a fault of mine and I'm sorry.

He said, Thanks for saying that, that's very nice of you. Not necessary. I know you are upset and hurting. I said yes, but still, you don't deserve that.

That was it. He said, Talk to you soon. And we hung up.

I guess that's it. Now I see what happens. I am not reaching out to him again.

I understand him wanting to be "friends" might have just been something he felt right after break up, but now that some time has passed, he has changed his mind, he is moving on. No longer needs that from me. He might have just been trying to let me down easy, get himself off the hook, make himself look like a "nice guy", etc. I know this in reality.

I said my peace. I am good with that. If that was our last conversation, so be it. I can hold my head up high that I apologized and did not let our last conversation be one of anger. I did not want that. For myself.

I let go now. The cards on his table. There is nothing else I can do right now. I don't know what will happen. I don't know what tomorrow brings. I am getting better with living in the NOW. Letting go of the "what ifs". I can't do that anymore.

I just needed to share this with someone. Thank you for listening.

I'm feeling strong, OK, and sad at the same time. I miss him very much. The whole thing just sucks. Anyway - thanks.

I hear ya re: the tenure thing. It is the same thing here. That is one thing I don't agree with re: public schools. My kids have had some bad teachers, and they kept their jobs because of tenure. So wrong. Then got to retire after 20-30 years and get all these benefits, retirement, etc. Yes, agree - teaching should not be unionized. They should be paid and rewarded like any other job. EARN IT. You are a great teacher, there should be rewards. Not a good teacher, parents complaining, kids not happy, test scores low, etc. there should be consequences. If you are not doing your job, at any other job, you are fired. I hate that teachers have all these "protections". Very wrong, IMO. I know you are a teacher, so I don't mean to offend... :-)

Hope your planning for your move is going well. I read your other post and I'm sure it's not easy. You are taking on a lot. Her kids are lucky to have two people who truly care for them. The youngest is about the age when I went to live with my dad and stepmother. It will be tough. But if you all get into family counseling, individual counseling, that is great! Good for you. It will be OK. Yes, there will be issues. But it's how you deal with them, that makes the difference. It will not be a walk in the park. But if you and your GF are good parents, and both give those kids the love and support they need, and do right by them, you know in the end, all will be OK. They are young. They are going to be confused. But as they age, they will see all you did for them. It will pay off. Hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel - but that is a similar situation I was in. And now I love my stepmother more than anything and thank her for raising me, not my biological mother. It was the best thing that we ended up with my dad and stepmother. Same - not easy, issues, but I didn't have what you and your GF can offer to those kids. I was missing that. And I'm STILL grateful now for living with my dad vs mother! I would have ended up in jail, dead, or something even worse, if I'd been raised by her and her alcoholic husband (my stepfather)!!!

You guys are doing a wonderful thing. A very unselfish, difficult thing. She is so blessed to have you, your support, you willing to move, take on those kids as your own. Pat yourself on the back, man!

I am here for support. You will need it, that is reality. There will be a lot emotional stuff with those kids you are going to encounter. You will need all the support you can get! So get it, and take it! :-) You and her will not be able to do this alone. You know this...

OK - Off to begin my day...

So nice to see that you get it! Love what you say about a relationship needing to be mutually respectful. I would have been more open to have some sort of a relationship with my aunt and uncle. Even after all of the abuse. If only they could respect both myself and our differences. The fact that I had no desire to work in the family business. They thought that I owed it to them and that it was more than good enough for me. I wanted to become a teacher. That is not something which should be so shameful. I should not have been treated differently and judged solely because of my choice. I also should have been more aware of how times were different when they were growing up. Maybe neither of them was completely capable of being a positive parent. It was just better in the end to not have any contact at all.

Took me so long to not be a doormat! Because I truly do try thinking of others first. I had to realize that taking care of my own self during extreme situations does not make me selfish. I can still be just as great of a giver even still. Helping others is what truly makes me happy. So much that I actually turned down a multi-million dollar soccer contract years ago! I would not have been able to teach. All of my friends thought that I was crazy! I have always marched to a different tune. The last thing I would ever do is conform!

It was a very generous and sincere gesture reaching out to your ex, Missy. Him saying "talk to you soon" is a good possible sign! Perhaps he has truly missed your friendship. Only time will truly tell. Being a true friend does not mean being the same as a partner. Still, there is the hope that he/she will be around. Not only during the fun times. You have done all possible on that end to extend the hand of friendship again. Done all you can control. Now, it is his turn to decide what to do with it.

Could not agree more with you about teaching! I am always able to separate myself from what selfishly is best for what makes the most sense. For what is most beneficial to the kids. That is where we have gone wrong within our schools. It should always be about what is best for the actual students! So sad that schools are run like businesses. Shame on the people high up in the chain who refuse to actually see the light. Who give themselves the best benefits for doing what amounts to nothing really important at the end of each day. I knew one 'philanthropist' who gave 26 million dollars to build a new school with his name on it. Beautiful building and all. It would have been even better to give the money to the educational system. So as to give it to things inside of the school instead of outside. There is a reason that our students are failing! Many people think that this is crazy and that someone who gives money should be able to do so exactly as he/she wishes. Yes, this is true at the end of the day. It is still about wanting to help and the desire that you should do so without conditions. Not because you have to but that you should want to.

Taking on a little bit on this end perhaps! In the initial stages at this point. Still, these are the kinds of things which you should do for love. I absolutely adore the woman who shares my bed. I want to always do what is best for her and those kids. It is truly the end result we both need to keep in mind. Same as all which is going on with you. The alternative is simply something neither of us want to think about. The sooner we are gone will be better. Even as challenging as it will be at first. I really do not expect that many others would get this or go all out. Part of the charm to be different I guess! I just wish that the a majority of our world was not so self-centered and selfish at times. There is a lot of good out there too. Just need to be a little patient at times with finding it.

Thank you for the very kind words! I am just as blessed as she is. Not sure what I did to find someone so amazing. Yet, I am grateful for it each and every day. My sincere hope is that you find something like this some day. If it something you wish for and the right person comes along. Just promise to never totally settle is all! You absolutely deserve the best! It will be hard for me to accept someone being here because I tend to think of others first. Want to always help those who I care about as much as possible. I will work on learning to accept more. Thank you for that offer to be here. That honestly means the world to me. Hope this finds that you are smiling!

-Ian

Addictions and Narcassism?

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