stepmum

[dax]

my fiance has 3 kids that come and stay every second weekend. when they come my fiance totally changes from the loving easy going person to this cranky short tempered person. he really wants to have a family atmostphere, which we try to provide. i do a lot of cleaning, making sure kids are bath, pullups off, every body had enough food etc so he has more time to play with them. however i feel he is taking advantage of this. he says he is fine with me telling them what to do etc if they muck up however sometimes he gets up me in front of the kids and starts saying i begrudge them and hate them. i cant stand this attitude he has when i dont begrudge them and dont go out when they come over to give him more time to be with them. im at my wits end. we are to get married soon and dont want it to be like that every second weekend. apart from that things are great. what should i do. are there are part time substitute mothers out there?

[Tony T]

This doesn't make sense at all. You go out of your way to take care of and accomodate his three kids and he tells you that you begrudge them??? It sounds like he actually wants you to for some reason.

 

You better get this straight real fast. It won't change after you're married.

 

Find out what is going through his brain. Frankly, I think it is HE who begrudges his children. I think he is just projecting his own feelings onto you. Or he may even be jealous that you are treating them so well and taking your attention away from him.

 

No matter what, his behavior is bizarre and you need to see what's going on by having a real good talk with him. You must absolutely communicate with him often and you must always talk to him when he does things like this you don't understand.

[girl's view]

one of my ex's had 2 children who i got along with great. my ex was ok when it was just us 2, but when the kids were around, he would really start with the nitpicky-put-down comments, aimed directly at me.

 

why? because he was jealous that his kids and i got along so great. i was like a novelty to them, a new friend of dad's who would never yell at them. personally, i never told them what to do etc, because they weren't my children. i never overstepped the mark.

 

but nonetheless it pretty much worked like this:

 

a) he would get frustrated that the kids and i got along so great. he wanted them to pay all the attention to him. he was jealous if they wanted to sit on my lap or next to me in the car.

 

b) as much as he loved his kids, he would get annoyed at having such a big responsibility so young. i could go out whenever i wanted, he couldn't.

 

i think his reactions are quite strange. but to be honest, i wouldn't be going out of my way to bathe them, feed them etc and basically look after them. i would be there as a special friend to them and play games with them, but there are certain responsibilities that HE should be taking on board - not you. i also wouldn't reprimand them if they play up. that way, he can't belittle you in front of them.

 

they are his responsiblity after all. take the heat off yourself and let him do his duties as a father, and yours as though they were the children of a friend.

 

you can still have a happy family atmosphere, but he shouldn't rely on you so much. give the children emotional support always, but don't do the duties that are primarily his. that way, he can't criticise you. in his own weird way, he may resent you doing these duties, even though he says he doesn't, because you didn't have these children with him.

 

but such is life. put your foot down, tell him how you feel, and tell him what you won't put up with when you are married.

my fiance has 3 kids that come and stay every second weekend. when they come my fiance totally changes from the loving easy going person to this cranky short tempered person. he really wants to have a family atmostphere, which we try to provide. i do a lot of cleaning, making sure kids are bath, pullups off, every body had enough food etc so he has more time to play with them. however i feel he is taking advantage of this. he says he is fine with me telling them what to do etc if they muck up however sometimes he gets up me in front of the kids and starts saying i begrudge them and hate them. i cant stand this attitude he has when i dont begrudge them and dont go out when they come over to give him more time to be with them. im at my wits end. we are to get married soon and dont want it to be like that every second weekend. apart from that things are great. what should i do. are there are part time substitute mothers out there?