solway86 Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 I may not be an expert in the field of infidelity, but using private investigators is a legal minefield. State law on them varies, and, as for gathering evidence of infidelity, there are ways to do so, but how you do so, should be done carefully. Basically, proceed with caution, don't make any hasty decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SamSam68 Posted August 1, 2014 Author Share Posted August 1, 2014 I may not be an expert in the field of infidelity, but using private investigators is a legal minefield. State law on them varies, and, as for gathering evidence of infidelity, there are ways to do so, but how you do so, should be done carefully. Basically, proceed with caution, don't make any hasty decisions. Yes, I was reading that there are both federal and state laws against using recording devices without a persons knowledge. In my state PI's are allowed as long as they are not on private property. That doesn't help me much with the long distance thing. Will need to see what the law is in DC. It doesn't help me much that my H is a patent attorney by trade. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 I just feel sick. This sucks. Everything sucks. I spend the days with my H at work feeling angry and then when he comes home I feel sick. This is toxic in and of itself and will corrupt a relationship even if there is no infidelity. This can't go on, you have to find out the definitive truth either way. The other posters are giving you sage advice on how to do that so I won't add to that. I'm just going to say that you are going to have to leave no rock unturned and do everything you reasonably and legally can to uncover the truth. If he's cheating you need to uncover the smoking gun so that you know for sure. If he's not, you have to do everything you can to find the truth so that you aren't eaten alive with suspicion and your marriage isn't poisoned by distrust. This really is an example of - " the truth shall set you free." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 I may not be an expert in the field of infidelity, but using private investigators is a legal minefield. State law on them varies, and, as for gathering evidence of infidelity, there are ways to do so, but how you do so, should be done carefully. Basically, proceed with caution, don't make any hasty decisions. Eavesdropping and wiretapping and evidence obtained by contracted 3rd parties all applies to evidence that may be submitted and evaluated in court. If the evidence obtained on a VAR were to be used as evidence in court for some reason, then it would be important to mind legal P's and Q' s. When it comes to a spouse just wanting to find out if their husband/wife is fooling around or not, all bets are off. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 I think if you are using a VAR just for your own purposes and not taking it to court, it shouldn't be too much of an issue. What about that court case where the parents sent a VAR to school in their child's backpack? Maybe they didn't use it in court, but it was used to let those teachers go. So, it can serve it's purpose for you... at least to know if he's having an inappropriate relationship with someone else. It's too bad you can't just hop on a plane and go to DC, show up at the hotel room where he's at and say it's a surprise... that you wanted to spend some time alone with him. Then you'd know what's really going on... Course, that could blow up too if he actually is with someone... be careful what you do. Don't let your emotions get the best of you. Easier said than done, I know... but for your own sanity, you have to take a deep breath and relax. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 I think if you are using a VAR just for your own purposes and not taking it to court, it shouldn't be too much of an issue. What about that court case where the parents sent a VAR to school in their child's backpack? Maybe they didn't use it in court, but it was used to let those teachers go. So, it can serve it's purpose for you... at least to know if he's having an inappropriate relationship with someone else. It's too bad you can't just hop on a plane and go to DC, show up at the hotel room where he's at and say it's a surprise... that you wanted to spend some time alone with him. Then you'd know what's really going on... Course, that could blow up too if he actually is with someone... be careful what you do. Don't let your emotions get the best of you. Easier said than done, I know... but for your own sanity, you have to take a deep breath and relax. That's exactly how I'd handle it. I'd show up with champagne, knock on the door and tell him I was missing him. BUT... if he's using a different hotel, or is planning to tell her he is one place when he is another, she can't pull it off. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 That's exactly how I'd handle it. I'd show up with champagne, knock on the door and tell him I was missing him. BUT... if he's using a different hotel, or is planning to tell her he is one place when he is another, she can't pull it off. Yep, show up with a couple bottles of champagne and wearing nothing but heels, stockings and a trench coat and have a bag packed full of porn, toys and lube. It's a diagnostic test. If he answers the door and gets the world's biggest grin on his face and tanks you in out of the halls and rides you like Secretaria and is happy you are there the rest of the trip, then maybe you are misreading some twisted signals. But on the other hand if he suddenly looks like a whore in church and starts to break out in a cold sweat and takes his phone with him into the bathroom, then you have your sign. His reaction will tell you all you need to know. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SamSam68 Posted August 1, 2014 Author Share Posted August 1, 2014 I think if you are using a VAR just for your own purposes and not taking it to court, it shouldn't be too much of an issue. What about that court case where the parents sent a VAR to school in their child's backpack? Maybe they didn't use it in court, but it was used to let those teachers go. So, it can serve it's purpose for you... at least to know if he's having an inappropriate relationship with someone else. It's too bad you can't just hop on a plane and go to DC, show up at the hotel room where he's at and say it's a surprise... that you wanted to spend some time alone with him. Then you'd know what's really going on... Course, that could blow up too if he actually is with someone... be careful what you do. Don't let your emotions get the best of you. Easier said than done, I know... but for your own sanity, you have to take a deep breath and relax. Yes, well apparently the only time taping a person without his/her knowledge is legal in my state is if it has to do with concern for child safety. On the other note...I'm seriously considering it. Going to his hotel and seeing for myself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 I would show up at the hotel and surprise him! Has he even answered you yet as to whether or not he expects you to join him? Maybe, just maybe - he made that reservation for the two of you...? I'm definitely suspicious of what he's doing - but I'm hoping his plan was for the two of you and not for someone else. Ask him if you're going with him? Link to post Share on other sites
nycrunner Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 He's cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 I think going to the hotel is the best thing to do, become the PI yourself, the planning of it will help take your mind off the reality of what you will discover. You don't need to worry about putting on a big charade with champagne etc. He will not expect you to be there, so he won't have his guard up or be looking our for anyone he knows. If he has an OW they will have drinks in the bar, go out to dinner together arm in arm etc etc. As far as he is concerned he is on safe territory. I wouldn't confront in the bar, restaurant or street either, sooner or later they will go to the hotel room. Knock on the door, put your finger over the spy hole and shout "room service" in a deep voice. If you confront before the hotel room, you will get a 'just taking a client out for dinner, old friend for a drink, just good friends' routine. Affairs are an addiction, you have confronted him once and this has not warned him off or made him change his mind. In his head he thinks he as gotten away with it and is continuing. Only 100% proof that you know for sure will stop him lying or gas lighting you. Again sorry for being brutal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 Getting the room number is going to be the problem. Go ahead and book yourself a room, you make have to camp out. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 DC right now is full of tourists. Hotels are hard to come by and the rates are much higher as it is tourist season. Is the hotel in Fairfax, VA or a hotel called Fairfax in Washington, DC. Two totally separate things. Staying in Fairfax, VA may be cheaper than staying in DC. Especially if his work location isn't in DC. Fairfax, VA is 12 miles from DC. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 (edited) DC right now is full of tourists. Hotels are hard to come by and the rates are much higher as it is tourist season. Is the hotel in Fairfax, VA or a hotel called Fairfax in Washington, DC. Two totally separate things. Staying in Fairfax, VA may be cheaper than staying in DC. Especially if his work location isn't in DC. Fairfax, VA is 12 miles from DC. The Fairfax in DC is not a very nice hotel. I can't even say it is luxury. It is a business traveler's dive. It is a cheap option close in. I know I wouldn't stay there. And it is not that much more expensive than Hampton Inn. And you make a very good point, it is at the height of tourist season. Maybe his regular hotel was full. If you believe this is some sort of 'incriminating evidence' then be your own PI. Get a room in the same hotel. They have rooms available and they aren't that expensive. It would be tons cheaper than hiring a PI to tail him. In DC you will be lucky to find a PI for as low as $150/hr., while $170 buys you 21 hours in your own room. Edited August 2, 2014 by Realist3 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 I think going to the hotel is the best thing to do, become the PI yourself, the planning of it will help take your mind off the reality of what you will discover. You don't need to worry about putting on a big charade with champagne etc. He will not expect you to be there, so he won't have his guard up or be looking our for anyone he knows. If he has an OW they will have drinks in the bar, go out to dinner together arm in arm etc etc. As far as he is concerned he is on safe territory. I wouldn't confront in the bar, restaurant or street either, sooner or later they will go to the hotel room. Knock on the door, put your finger over the spy hole and shout "room service" in a deep voice. If you confront before the hotel room, you will get a 'just taking a client out for dinner, old friend for a drink, just good friends' routine. Some of that is good advice, but how do your propose she gets his room number? There is no need for the peep hole thing or 'room service'. If it has gotten that far the gig is already up. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 His briefcase is in his car... Time to search every nook and cranny of that briefcase. I found my exH had a little "secret area" in his briefcase (like behind the lining) that he used to store his evidence. When I think back he always had that with him or close by him. I'm certain he didn't think I would look through it while he was sleeping. His receipts told me everything he will never admit to me. Once I saw his evidence I was completely done! He had spent so much time, energy and money buying her gifts it was sickening. Then I found the hiding place where he had stashed his wrapped gifts too! And he was also getting ready for his "business trip". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SamSam68 Posted August 2, 2014 Author Share Posted August 2, 2014 DC right now is full of tourists. Hotels are hard to come by and the rates are much higher as it is tourist season. Is the hotel in Fairfax, VA or a hotel called Fairfax in Washington, DC. Two totally separate things. Staying in Fairfax, VA may be cheaper than staying in DC. Especially if his work location isn't in DC. Fairfax, VA is 12 miles from DC. Fairfax in DC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SamSam68 Posted August 2, 2014 Author Share Posted August 2, 2014 The Fairfax in DC is not a very nice hotel. I can't even say it is luxury. It is a business traveler's dive. It is a cheap option close in. I know I wouldn't stay there. And it is not that much more expensive than Hampton Inn. And you make a very good point, it is at the height of tourist season. Maybe his regular hotel was full. If you believe this is some sort of 'incriminating evidence' then be your own PI. Get a room in the same hotel. They have rooms available and they aren't that expensive. It would be tons cheaper than hiring a PI to tail him. In DC you will be lucky to find a PI for as low as $150/hr., while $170 buys you 21 hours in your own room. www.fairfaxhoteldc.com Doesn't look like a dive to me. I went on expedia and the room start at almost 400.00 right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SamSam68 Posted August 2, 2014 Author Share Posted August 2, 2014 The VAR is in the car. We shall see... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SamSam68 Posted August 2, 2014 Author Share Posted August 2, 2014 His briefcase is in his car... Time to search every nook and cranny of that briefcase. I found my exH had a little "secret area" in his briefcase (like behind the lining) that he used to store his evidence. When I think back he always had that with him or close by him. I'm certain he didn't think I would look through it while he was sleeping. His receipts told me everything he will never admit to me. Once I saw his evidence I was completely done! He had spent so much time, energy and money buying her gifts it was sickening. Then I found the hiding place where he had stashed his wrapped gifts too! And he was also getting ready for his "business trip". Yes...he keeps a ton of receipts in his briefcase, work related. I'm going to check those out tonight. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 www.fairfaxhoteldc.com Doesn't look like a dive to me. I went on expedia and the room start at almost 400.00 right now. 400 is nothing to sneeze about - that's some serious money for a room. How many nights did he book? Has he told you whether or not you are going with him? Ask him! Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 I'd also place VAR in the lining of his bag and briefcase. They can record his activity in his hotel room. Are there VAR that can listen remotely to what is recorded? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SamSam68 Posted August 3, 2014 Author Share Posted August 3, 2014 I'd also place VAR in the lining of his bag and briefcase. They can record his activity in his hotel room. Are there VAR that can listen remotely to what is recorded? No, you cannot listen remotely. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 www.fairfaxhoteldc.com Doesn't look like a dive to me. I went on expedia and the room start at almost 400.00 right now. Go directly to their site. You can get a King on the 15th for under $170. It may not look like a dive in their pics, but once you get there you will see it for what it is. It is a dated business traveler's dive. Link to post Share on other sites
SunshineToday Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 Hi samsam. Sorry you are here. Your husband does sound like he is cheating or at the least having an emotional affair. It's a hard and bitter pill to swallow. But I can promise you it will only get bètter after the initial gut punch. Some of us need that gut punch to regain control of our own lives. You don't have control when someone (or 2 someones) are hiding things from you. Get the VAR. If you don't find anything he doesn't have to ever know. If you do find something, it's going to hurt. But from that minute forward you can move towards healing. Best of luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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