Recovering from Infidelity

[cranium]

My wife had a 10 month affair with a single co-worker. We had been in counseling (I arranged) for four months by the time I found out. My discovery ended it for them, but it hasn't ended for me. About four months have passed, our relationship is better than it has been in the past four years and I still struggle with it everyday. They continue to work together, but she has agreed to tell me of any personal conversations they have. We have a relatively small social circle that is comprised mainly of her co-workers. We don't have many opportunities to get out together, but when we do attend functions, there is a pretty good chance the dude will be there. He keeps his distance, but its uncomfortable just the same. Seeing him, especially if unexpectedly, throws it all in my face again. I feel like I need to say something to him to clear the air for me. I definitely want to tell him not to speak to my children; I've told my wife this and she knows that is how I feel, but she hasn't asked him not to. Is it okay for me to have this conversation with him? I can't make him quit his job and I don't want them to remain friends.

 

She says that she is totally amazed at how I have been - that I have been patient, forgiving and that I have given her a second chance at a lifelong commitment. How do I stop our relationship from dominating my waking moments?

[Debster]

Sounds to me that you may have forgiven your wife but not really came to grips with why she did it and what to do to prevent it from happening again. Also, I think it would be really tough on you to have to share the same social circle with this guy. Is there some way you can change that?

[cranium]

Trying to forgive, but not quite there yet. Don't really want to change the social circle, just want him out of it. Really don't like the fact that they still work together either. She's pretty good about telling me of their interactions, but I feel like I need to ask more than I'd like. I want her to offer the info before being asked.

[Moose]

I have to tell ya, if I were in your shoes, my wife would have to quit her job, we'd have to find a new circle of friends, (because the old circle have an impression of your wife sleeping around), and then I'd have to confront the guy she cheated with. I wouldn't say that it's all their fault, I believe there are reasons people cheat. That's what I'd find out first. Then I'd have to stomp the guy just to feel better.

[cranium]

No one else in the circle knows, wouldn't believe it if they did and she's the boss so can't really change jobs. I haven't said anything at all to him, but I have thought about your stomping recommendation. Do want to have a conversation with him, but don't know what that would accomplish.

[Debster]

Your wife is the boss and she socializes with people from work and had an affair with one of her employees?

Sounds to me like your wife doesn't know what is and is not appropriate in the workplace. I'm also concerned by her lack of judgement of being in counselling with you for 4 months BEFORE admitting to an affair. I know that you want to believe the best of her, but if I was in your shoes, like Moose said, I would have a hard time with this as well.

[Moose]

Your wife is the boss and she socializes with people from work and had an affair with one of her employees?

We're have you been? It's ok for a female boss to sleep with male employees......just like a woman would never get thrown in jail for groping a stranger. It's the way of the world.

 

I don't care if she's the boss or not. The job goes.

[tiki]

Yeah, if I were you, I'd be having her reconsider her current position. And get out while the gettin's good - word spreads fast and all it takes is one slip-up. It's poison.

[cranium]

She's not really the boss, but a most important player within the organization. She keeps things running. All would be considered co-workers.

[Debster]

We're have you been? It's ok for a female boss to sleep with male employees......just like a woman would never get thrown in jail for groping a stranger. It's the way of the world.

 

Moose..... tsk, tsk. I put up a brand new avatar and you still have to question where I've been.

I've been in the convent.

[tiki]

Originally posted by Moose

We're have you been? It's ok for a female boss to sleep with male employees......just like a woman would never get thrown in jail for groping a stranger. It's the way of the world.

 

Sucks to be you.

 

[Moose]

Originally posted by Debster

Moose..... tsk, tsk. I put up a brand new avatar and you still have to question where I've been.

I've been in the convent.

I LOVE that avatar by the way! She'd go good in my Church of Mooseology!!

Sucks to be you.

It's not all that bad........really.

[Debster]

IMO, I wouldn't be able to heal if my husband had to work with a person he had an affair with.

Especially if we had to be at the same social events.

 

If it is not her company, then she should leave. What is more important?

 

BYW, did you confront her on why she didn't tell you herself even when you guys were going through counselling. You found out. She never told you. How could you have trusted her again so quickly and easily?

[Debster]

IMO, I wouldn't be able to heal if my husband had to work with a person he had an affair with.

Especially if we had to be at the same social events.

 

If it is not her company, then she should leave. What is more important?

 

BTW, did you confront her on why she didn't tell you herself even when you guys were going through counselling. You found out. She never told you. How could you have trusted her again so quickly and easily?

[cranium]

Been together 18 years and never had a situation like this. She thought I would invalidate our other issues if I knew. She also wanted to end it; knows she was foolish.

[sylviaguardian]

Cranium,

 

My H also works with the ex OW. I have got to the point where I am not so concerned about that as I am sure it is over now. There is no way I would socialise with this person though, or even be in the same room as her. You must have nerves of steel.

 

Why do you HAVE to socialise with these people. Considering all that's happened It's not to much to ask your wife not to attend social events. Or can't you invite some of the other friends round to yours and obviously not invite him.

 

As for contacting him, I don't know. I wrote the OW an email saying what I thought. It was not nasty or vindictive but I wanted her to know what her 'bit of fun' had cost me. I was not prepared for the barrage I got back. Try to keep in mind that this man is not important. He could have been anyone. Maybe he is even feeling hurt and used himself.

 

i honestly think that the reason why it dominates your thoughts is because you have to socialise with this man. I could NOT do that.

 

Syl

[sweetpea01]

Cranium,

I can totally relate. I had a cheating bf and took him back. I could not escape my own head...the thoughts drove me ABSOLUTELY INSANE. Well, one day I got ahold of his email and read through all of them. I found emails from a girl he cheated with....so I grabbed her email address and sent her a message. I asked her to please not email him anymore. The emails I found were from a LONG time ago, but apparently he was still on her mass email list, and he was getting forwards and things like that. He wasn't replying (I checked SENT mail too)....but seeing her name in his inbox was enough.

 

She wrote back, and told me that he said he and I had broken up. She said she had NO CLUE he had a gf the whole time, and that she was sorry, and would erase his email immediately. It was sort of strange...I hated her...and once she wrote back, I realized it really has nothing to do with the other woman at all. Sometimes they are being lied to also. The only person who has responsibilty to you is your husband or your wife, gf or bf.

 

I felt alot of closure though. Cheating is an extraordinarily selfish act. So, I would tell you to go ahead and do as you please. If you need to let off some steam, email him...or have a talk with your wife and tell her not to talk to him. GET WHAT YOU NEED TO FEEL BETTER. You don't need to dance around this...you deserve for your wife to be doing WHATEVER it takes to help you along.

 

BEST OF LUCK!

[cranium]

Syl,

I know its over and I know he's not important. Socialize with these people b/c I would otherwise never get out of the house; they're my friends also. He's known me as long as he's known her; wouldn't say he was a close friend, but an acquaintance I didn't mind. I wrote him a letter a while back that I read to her, but never sent to him. She seemed to get in though and cut back on talking to him (not completely); she feels they need to appear as if everything is normal at work. She's told him how I feel, but I'm sure her approach didn't convey the anger, rage, hurt etc... It still dominates my thoughts b/c they work together and I can't be there to see how they interact. Does he make her laugh/smile/wet? Also he will still talk/interact with my children in front of me and she hasn't agreed to ask him not to. Our kids will go with us to some of these social gatherings b/c everyone loves us and the children.

[sami]

Your wife cannot have it all. It is either you or him. She or he has to look for a job somewhere. If they continue to see each other they will go the bedroom GYM again. You may end the affir for now but not the emotional intimacy. What about her feelings toward him?

[cranium]

He started seeing an ex and ran into some problems with her also. Talked to MW about it and she shared it all with me. She won't do anything with him again, but I do stress on the emotional connection. He's been getting his resume in order and took a couple of week off recently. I take that as a good sign.

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by cranium

she feels they need to appear as if everything is normal at work.

 

I had this one too and I know how infuriating it is. Things are not, however, 'normal.

 

She's told him how I feel, but I'm sure her approach didn't convey the anger, rage, hurt etc... It still dominates my thoughts b/c they work together and I can't be there to see how they interact. Does he make her laugh/smile/wet?

 

I used to get cut up over this too and I realised that I couldn't stop these things. I also can't control whether they go for coffee or whatever. What I have said to my H is that if he chooses to interact with her in a way that is anything other than professional, that he is making a choice by doing so. If that's his choice so be it. I know then where I stand.

 

Also he will still talk/interact with my children in front of me and she hasn't agreed to ask him not to. Our kids will go with us to some of these social gatherings b/c everyone loves us and the children.

 

Aha - know where you are coming from on this one too. One day when my H was off work he took our daughter to see her at work and she gave my daughter a little present. That really cut me up. I have managed to distance myself a bit now though and think, well my daughter is pretty cute - most people would like her. She is also innocent and thinks that the world is full of nice people so it was normal that they had a good interaction. Can still see where you are coming from on this though. If you really feel you need to, then write him a letter or whatever. It might make you feel better, but know that it probably won't make him feel bad. My advice now would be to write him a letter thanking him for making your relationship better, making your wife appreciate more what she has, making your sex life go through the roof or whatever! And say that you don't blame him at all - you realise he could have been any old dude. He was just in the right time at the right place. That will sting more!! LOL

 

 

 

Syl

[cranium]

I know its over between them and she feels like I've given her a second chance at a lifelong commitment. She wrote me a great Valentine's letter saying she loves, admires and respects me, but I keep getting hung up on desire. She said part of the reason for the affair was she wanted to feel passion again, desired by someone and the sexual tension was too great. I accept that I became comfortable in our relationship (18 years) and there is no doubt that I neglected her emotional needs at times as she did mine, but I never didn't desire her. This is what I am getting hung up on now. I get that she loves me, respects me, but what about desires me? Where's the passion coming back my way? To me relationships aren't 50-50, there 100%-100%. How long can someone give 100% before they start to feel resigned if it doesn't feel like its coming back? I didn't cheat, but I'm the one who got us into counseling and is constantly doing research, reading etc.. I also understand that nothing can compare to that first rush of lust for someone, but just the same, how do you get the passion back? This is also my beef with them still working together - even though I know in my heart she won't do anything again, does she still desire him? More than me?

[Moose]

Cranium,

 

What has worked for my wife and I was the five love languages. I had no clue what my wife's were. But once I found out what I was, or wasn't doing, and started making deposits in her, "love bank", the romance, desire and lust came back......and with a vengeance! It's important that you find out what she's needing in her life, and likewise for her too. Do a google on The Five Love Languages, and purchase the book. I promise you, it will change your life!

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by cranium

She said part of the reason for the affair was she wanted to feel passion again, desired by someone and the sexual tension was too great. I accept that I became comfortable in our relationship (18 years) and there is no doubt that I neglected her emotional needs at times as she did mine, but I never didn't desire her. This is what I am getting hung up on now. I get that she loves me, respects me, but what about desires me? Where's the passion coming back my way? To me relationships aren't 50-50, there 100%-100%. How long can someone give 100% before they start to feel resigned if it doesn't feel like its coming back? I didn't cheat, but I'm the one who got us into counseling and is constantly doing research, reading etc.. I also understand that nothing can compare to that first rush of lust for someone, but just the same, how do you get the passion back? This is also my beef with them still working together - even though I know in my heart she won't do anything again, does she still desire him? More than me?

 

Cranium,

 

From my experience on this site, it is always the BW/Bh who does all the counselling stuff etc. The spouse who had the affair just wants to bury their head in the sand and hope it will all go away. I think that's normal.

 

As for the desire thing, I think you've got her desire too much linked to this man and that's what's cutting you up inside. Men and women have different ideas of desire and when you say that you never stopped desiring your wife, what you probably mean is that you never stopped wanting to have sex with her.

 

What your wife probably means by desire is the whole romantic build-up to the sex bit. While sex for men can be a fairly physical thing, for women it is probably 80% mental. When your wife talks about desire she is probably talking about the buzz associated with first dates etc. I am not excusing your wife, but these buzzes are very powerful and addictive, regardless of the other person involved. That may sound strange but what I mean is that to know that someone else thinks that we are amazing can produce an amazing buzz. Often it has nothing to do with the other person per se (if that makes sense) - the addictive part is the chemicals!

 

Now, with a long-term relationship obviously this 'buzz' goes. The trick is somehow to find a way to spark that old feeling. I've heard it recommended many times on this site that couples go out together 'on a date'. I.e. get a babysitter and take turns to pick a venue to surprise the other person. This can breathe life into a stale routine.

 

You have to remember that your wife did not fall out of love with you and fall in love with him. The feelings she had for you were probably still the real deal but those chemical buzzes are very, very powerful.

 

Take care,

Syl

[cranium]

Took Moose's advice, read The Five Love Languages. She's reading it next.

 

I've come to realize I need to change the rules if they are going to continue working together. I know it's not about him and we are doing better than we have in years. Since I found out, she has agreed to report to me any personal interactions they have at work and she has followed through. I also feel though that my finding out ended the physical intimacy, but I continue to let the emotional intimacy haunt me.

 

I can't be there to see how they interact / language of the eyes. I feel like I caught them, so now they are just going back to how things were before any of this ever happened. Not good enough. I really want NC. Don't talk to her, look at her, period. Maybe I should have made this request sooner, but I think I was in a depressed state and was not thinking a lot about what I needed.

 

I know she wants to maintain normalcy around the office and people may notice/ talk if their behavior changes, but tough. No one knows but the three of us (and you guys). I guess I have protected her and him while wanting to protect myself from being the public cuckold. None of us wants me to start talking b/c she would be the pariah and he would be run out of town.