Recovering from Infidelity

[cranium]

We talked last night about them having NC at work. She got upset and said she has been open and honest with me since I found out and has kept me informed of any personal conversations they have had. I agreed that this was true and I appreciated her openess with me, but I had no control over his actions, gestures, etc.. towards her. For instance, as if was leaving the other day he told my wife and her office mate, "See you later, foxy ladies." What kind of crap is that? He evidently doesn't get it yet that he can't talk to her in that manner. Might have been playful when they were co-workers only, not playful now.

 

She knew I would not ever be comfortable with them going back to being friends, but thought that she could without it being a problem for her. I keep trying to get her to see it from my side / reverse roles. She would have gone after the OW if I had strayed.

 

She agreed she could do it; knows I need it for closure. I told her that her willingness to do it speaks volumes to me about where we stand. The question now is how to do it and when? Suggestions?

[whichwayisup]

We talked last night about them having NC at work. She got upset and said she has been open and honest with me since I found out and has kept me informed of any personal conversations they have had. I agreed that this was true and I appreciated her openess with me, but I had no control over his actions, gestures, etc.. towards her.

 

That is it, you don't have any control over what he does, but you do have ALOT of input on what she has to do. He needs to be told to have NC with her aswell, only on a professional basis.

 

They can't be 'just friends'. Because of the emotional connection there...And it's not fair to you.

 

It's good one should leave the job.

 

You seem very stong and have alot of support here. Was just reading and thought I'd put in my thoughts! I'm sorry for your pain though. I hope with some marriage councilling and alot of hard work you two can find your way back to eachother.

[jmargel]

Cranium, I got your PM this morning, so I'll throw in my 2 cents..

 

First off, is this OM married?

 

I know you'd like your wife to have NC with this man, but professionally in a job sense I don't see how. It's apparent he has no remorse for what he did and thinks of this as a game. It's upto your wife to set the ground rules for him. Even if you confront him, I doubt it'll do any good. He'll just get satisifaction that you are upset and he was able to 'conquer' something. These guys will usually go after anything to keep stroking their ego. These are the types that you need to be careful with because he really has nothing to lose.

 

If your wife is not afraid of losing her job, she should report it to the higher ups, like you said to have him removed. In the mean time at least she is communicating with you on what he is saying to her. You need to continue on working what you can change, which are the problems that lead upto this. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, so I would recommend looking up the '5 stages of grief' that just about everyone who gets cheated on, goes through. It'll show you what to expect in the coming year.

 

Even though you two had problems that was not a legitimate reason for her to cheat on you. 18 years is a long time to confide and give your life to someone, to just have you get slapped in the face with something like this. Make sure you take care of yourself and don't be afraid to confront her anytime when you are feeling bad about things. There is not just one 'talk' about the affair after it happens. The relationships that survive an affair are the ones that keep constant communication open between both spouses.

 

Try not to overwork your mind with this. There have been no faith in your wife's words to you for quite awhile, which will lead your imagination to run wild at times. These are the times where you need to sit back and focus on a particular good time you had with her until that feeling goes away. Continue with the marriage counselor. What does he say about the work situation?

 

She needs to make it clear to him through a letter (which is read by you first) on ground rules about communication within' work. Make it short, strict and professional. The sexual comments and enduwendos need to stop. If it doesn't it becomes sexual harassment. At least you can get some sort of say in regards to this and feel like you are being heard while also protecting yourself and your wife in regards to him and his behavior.

 

It's going to be a rough road but provided you two love each other enough, you'll get through this.

[cranium]

JM,

 

First off, is this OM married?

 

OM is not married and is much younger.

 

It's apparent he has no remorse for what he did and thinks of this as a game. It's upto your wife to set the ground rules for him.

 

I think he has some remorse, but feels they can go back to being friends. He's told her he was sorry, but hasn't said a word to me. He walks the other way whenever I'm around. He seems to think that he can continue to behave as if nothing ever happened as long as I'm not present. MW isn't over him and I'm sure still enjoys the attention, so she hasn't really agreed to ground rules. She also doesn't want anyone to question a change in their behavior toward each other around the office.

 

If your wife is not afraid of losing her job, she should report it to the higher ups, like you said to have him removed.

 

MW would be the last in her company to lose her job. Her boss knows us both; has known me longer and considers us family. If he knew what went down, he would ask the guy to leave. MW doesn't want to report it to her boss, she's not looking to get him removed. Again, she would say they could go back to being friends and that wouldn't cause a problem for us. She says he is not the issue, we should focus on us.

 

She needs to make it clear to him through a letter (which is read by you first) on ground rules about communication within' work. Make it short, strict and professional. The sexual comments and enduwendos need to stop. If it doesn't it becomes sexual harassment. At least you can get some sort of say in regards to this and feel like you are being heard while also protecting yourself and your wife in regards to him and his behavior.

 

We'll see MC again this week. Think NC or close to it at work will be large topic. I'm going to discuss with her writing a letter b/c we have talked about NC but haven't settled on how to achieve. Also have talked about the sexual harassment. She says he doesn't mean anything by it, that it's just the way he is. MW may not want protecting and probably still likes the rapport. They never really had closure. I caught them and that was it; no chance to really talk about the end. I know, he knows I know and he is not pursuing it further. Feel like I'm still getting dissed at times when they have personal interaction.

[jmargel]

MW isn't over him and I'm sure still enjoys the attention, so she hasn't really agreed to ground rules. She also doesn't want anyone to question a change in their behavior toward each other around the office.

 

Change in behavior? That's just an excuse. She needs to get off the fence and make a decision. Your wishes on what she does comes first beyond everything else. No ifs, ands or buts about it.

 

If she likes the attention that's another red-flag. You need to know where you stand in all of this and by her indecisiviness not to end things and just give excuses on why he says the things he says is only torturing you psychologically.

 

Again, she would say they could go back to being friends and that wouldn't cause a problem for us. She says he is not the issue, we should focus on us.

 

Friends???? NO! What world is she living in? Apparently she thinks she lives in a world that revolves around her. If there has to be contact it needs to be stricly on a professional level and kept to be as short as possible. Not letting herself being hit on by this guy "after" you have found out. He doesn't have remorse, he's just scared of you.

 

It's hard to focus on your problems together when he's still in the picture this way. You have to be willing to walk away from it all. Tolerating her treating you this way will only make the situation worse. I'm not saying you have to walk away but you have to be willing to give her the ultamatium. If she really loves you she will abide by your wishes.

 

have talked about the sexual harassment. She says he doesn't mean anything by it, that it's just the way he is

 

More excuses. She doesn't want to hurt his feelings, but it's at the price of your marriage.

 

I know, he knows I know and he is not pursuing it further. Feel like I'm still getting dissed at times when they have personal interaction.

 

Sorry, but he is. Even if it's with comments like "Hey foxy lady". And you are getting dissed by your wife and how you feel about this. Remember she did this to YOU. The ball is in YOUR court, don't let her call the shots.

[cranium]

Okay, I feel I'm pretty much past the OM. While he and MW still work together, they don't have a relationship of any substance anymore. MC has helped me get past him also. Saw him @ a Final Four party and made it clear to him that he was not to be around my children. All he could say was "OK, I understand" and then went on his way - know he's scared of me.

 

Asked MW the other evening if she was still attracted to me and after a moment she responded "Sometimes". That was a very disheartening response to me. I understand she doesn't find me attractive if she feels I’m being a martyr or in a constant state of being miserable. If that is what she meant by only “sometimes”, I can work with that. She also said she is feeling weary and worn out and a bit defeated - like the overtures of affection she does make come up short. Where this raises questions for me and I feel like I need to check in with her to see if we are on common ground is regarding her desire to show me affection in the first place.

 

If she is only “sometimes” attracted to me, how do I trust and feel secure with what is behind the affection she does show? I am doing my best to accept the affection she shows is authentic, but when she says she is only “sometimes” attracted to me, that throws up questions. I know there may be times when we will “not always” be attracted to each other for whatever reason. That is different from saying one is “sometimes” attracted to the other. I know she doesn't want a martyr and I don’t want to second-guess her affection/desire for me.

 

I want to move on with life, but together, trusting that she does care for me, is attracted to me and truly desires me as her partner. I feel at times like she is lying in wait – waiting for me to find happiness in my job or other aspects of my life so that her guilt will be alleviated and she will then be free to move on without me?

 

Perhaps I’m reading too much into it because I’m vulnerable. I know I have to give her time to heal also. Thoughts?

[Owl]

Suggestion:

 

Don't end the conversation at "sometimes". You obviously want clarification...so ask for it. Tell her how you feel about her, and talk with her about what she feels. Don't end the conversation in the middle, just because you've got a painful single word answer.

 

The only 'key' for recovering from infidelity is communication. Find out the issues, the causes, the underlying reasons and factors...and remove them from the equation. And all of that starts by TALKING about it.

 

Good job on dropping the OM issue...not much to be done there, in reality.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by cranium

If she is only “sometimes” attracted to me, how do I trust and feel secure with what is behind the affection she does show? I am doing my best to accept the affection she shows is authentic, but when she says she is only “sometimes” attracted to me, that throws up questions.

 

I want to move on with life, but together, trusting that she does care for me, is attracted to me and truly desires me as her partner. I feel at times like she is lying in wait – waiting for me to find happiness in my job or other aspects of my life so that her guilt will be alleviated and she will then be free to move on without me?

 

brother...I know exactly how you feel. It is a tuff spot to be in...

 

My wife and I talked last night and today again....the fact is, my wife lost attraction and love for me....it comes and goes she says. And it scares me...and her. I told her I feel like I am just waiting here for her to decide if she wants to stay or leave.

 

I understand she has to get right and true with herself FIRST...then she can be real with me. The part that hurts the most is knowing that she lost love for me....and that she NOR I dont know if it will come back....so we wait.....wait....

 

I dont know how I am going to deal with this waiting......waiting for a sign or an answer or a final judgement on her part, that she decideds...hey I dont love you...and its not fair to you or me if I stay. OR the positive answer of YES, I do truely love you and want to stay.....casue right NOW, its the former that we are both feeling....and I dont like it. I can only pray and hope she comes around....but the fact is...I HAVE NO CONTROL over it...and thats waht sucks!

 

Its the f***in TIME and waitig thing...I just dont know how to cope with this sometimes.....

[ecco]

Thumbs

 

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don't give up though the pace seems slow--

You may succeed with another blow,

Success is failure turned inside out--

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

[cranium]

We've had two really good months since I last posted. She shared in MC that she feels like a weight has been lifted and she is feeling comfortable in our relationship again; not on edge anymore.

 

In the same period of time, we've found out that her brother and his wife may separate and that the wife of a dear friend of mine was having a PA. What's in the water?

 

I keep coming back to the intimacy issue, her initiating that is. I wrote my W a long letter regarding my need for intimacy and sexual fulfillment (like wanting to heal's post - Husband needs intimacy) and how important it is to me (like it is to her) to feel desired. She has been nothing short of amazing given she is swamped at work right now (stressing out) and the kids keep us running dawn to dusk.

 

Why do I still freak out sometimes? The other morning she was leaving for work and I found myself waiting for her to initiate a good-bye hug or kiss; hoping she would, hoping she would. Finally, I did. Same thing at another time. After she left, I found myself angry b/c she didn't initiate. I know her mind is pre-occupied with work. She has been much more attentive to me than in years. Am I just insecure b/c of the betrayal?

 

I read someone's post before about 'creating' an inconsistent partner. Something to the effect of and this may be an exact quote 'By giving too much of oneself that one is inevitably disappointed with what the partner gives in return. One feels a lack of reciprocity, not because the partner gives too little, but because one's own level of commitment is so unrealistically high as to leave one open to frustration and feelings of rejection. One's perception of the partner as inconsistent thus stems from a need for very strong and clear expressions of affection that no partner can consistently provide.'

 

Why can't I give it a rest? I don't want to be angry about this and I know she sometimes feels nothing she does will ever be enough. Am I not going to be content unless she attacks me everyday as soon as I walk in the door? Is it a lack of confidence issue?

[sylviaguardian]

Cranium,

 

What a very thought-provoking post this is:

 

Am I just insecure b/c of the betrayal?

 

I read someone's post before about 'creating' an inconsistent partner. Something to the effect of and this may be an exact quote 'By giving too much of oneself that one is inevitably disappointed with what the partner gives in return. One feels a lack of reciprocity, not because the partner gives too little, but because one's own level of commitment is so unrealistically high as to leave one open to frustration and feelings of rejection. One's perception of the partner as inconsistent thus stems from a need for very strong and clear expressions of affection that no partner can consistently provide.'

 

Why can't I give it a rest?

 

I think I have been guilty of this. Could the problem be that you are insecure, not because of this, but simply because you are insecure? Sometimes insecure people always feel rejected no matter what the other person does. This can have a very negative effect on the relationship because the insecure person's reaction to the perceived rejection is hostility and anxiousness. Since all of this happened to me, I have been reading a bit on low self-esteem and have come to the conclusion that my self-esteem could be higher. Note that people with high self-esteem also get treated better in relationships!

 

Could this be why you 'can't give it a rest'? In most normal relationships, feelings will wax and wane from week to week. Perhaps it's just the 'inconsistency' that you find hard?

 

Sylvia

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by cranium

Why do I still freak out sometimes? The other morning she was leaving for work and I found myself waiting for her to initiate a good-bye hug or kiss; hoping she would, hoping she would. Finally, I did. Same thing at another time. After she left, I found myself angry b/c she didn't initiate. I know her mind is pre-occupied with work. She has been much more attentive to me than in years. Am I just insecure b/c of the betrayal?

 

Ask for what you want. If you want a little "good-bye hug or kiss"....just say so.

 

Expectations can become a matter of "testing". I don't think it's so much a matter of 'setting up' little tests, but maybe it's more like you're noticing these opportunities for her to offer you reassurance. Of course, she's not taking advantage of them because she doesn't see them for herself, or realize that they've taken on a hidden meaning.

 

You have to be kind of strict with yourself in regards to your expectations during the recovery phase. Otherwise, you'll drive yourself CRAZY with doubt. It's too easy for a BS to fall into the trap of observing every little behavior, and then applying their own insecure perception to it.

 

So, when you catch yourself noticing a "little test". Put a stop to it immediately by verbalizing your expectation.

 

It becomes a habit after a while to go ahead and ask for what you want. And a good one to get into, I think. Because it clarifies your communications with each other, and prevents hard-feelings.

 

Anyway, this worked wonders for me. Still does.

[cranium]

originally posted by Ladyjane14

So, when you catch yourself noticing a "little test". Put a stop to it immediately by verbalizing your expectation.

 

It becomes a habit after a while to go ahead and ask for what you want. And a good one to get into, I think. Because it clarifies your communications with each other, and prevents hard-feelings.

 

I'm doing a pretty good job of verbalizing my expectations and asking for what I want and I'm trying to be strict with myself. But that is different from her initiating on her own. I want her to approach me and be demonstrative in her displays of affection towards me, not just give me a hug b/c I asked for a hug. S*&t, she should know (and I mean know) by now what I want.

 

This was one of her big issues when we started MC; that I wasn't affectionate enough in a non-sexual way (she wasn't either). She was the one who cheated, but, has it now become my job to initiate all displays of affection? Something seems amiss to me.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by cranium

This was one of her big issues when we started MC; that I wasn't affectionate enough in a non-sexual way (she wasn't either).

 

I suppose that's a pretty common complaint for women, generally speaking.....that her man mostly shows her demonstrative affection as a matter of foreplay. And of course, this would have come up in MC, possibly at a time when she was really looking for ways to express her dissatisfaction all around.

 

I begin to suspect that she's probably not a very physically affectionate person. Is that true? Does she enjoy touching people, or being touched?

 

I have to admit....I don't. There are very few people that I welcome an embrace from, mostly just my husband and kids. Now, I tolerate hugs from other people, but I'm always uncomfortable about it, even though we're talking about family and friends who I sincerely love. I'm just NOT a touchy-feely sort.

 

Not too long ago, I might have shared your wife's perspective in regards to believing that my husband's physical affection was simply a prelude to the expectation of sex. The difference is that I now I understand. I've undergone that dramatic change in my thought process.

 

It IS a prelude to sex....but that's alright for me now, because now I understand that his emotional connection to me is sexual in nature. I wish I could explain that better. It's not all just a matter of function, like I had previously thought, but rather intertwined with his emotions.

 

What it all mostly boils down to is that I try to show him my love in the manner in which he feels loved. Funny thing, he appreciates have his fine self admired from time to time....and he doesn't mind a bit if I just HAVE to grab his ass a little as he passes me in the hall.

 

See, I already know that I love him. My mistake before was that I wasn't making certain that he really felt it. What good is it to love someone, if they don't know it?....if they can't feel it and have faith in it?

 

Now, your challenge is to TEACH her to love you the way YOU want to be loved. And you have to be doing the same. You have to love her the way SHE can feel it and trust it. This must be MUTUAL, or it doesn't work.

 

Now, if you're still trudging along in the SAME OLD PLACE as several months ago....that should tell you that your communications still need some work.

I want her to approach me and be demonstrative in her displays of affection towards me, not just give me a hug b/c I asked for a hug. S*&t, she should know (and I mean know) by now what I want.

 

You feel like she should know all this....but, obviously she either still doesn't really understand it, or is not getting her own needs met in a way that keeps her love bank full enough.

 

Again I say, it is YOUR responsibility to ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED. It's her responsibility to ask for her needs to be met as well.

 

The woman doesn't have a crystal ball, ya know. Neither do you. That's why you have to keep working at the communications aspect of the relationship, until you've reached these understandings of one another's needs.

 

It'll never be perfect. What in life is? But there will come a time when you are almost automatically reflecting back each other's love in terms that each of you understand to be demonstrative.

 

I think in some ways that her previous affair and her lack of physical initiative in the marriage have become interconnected for you. Do correct me if I'm wrong. But the importance that you have placed on her initiating seems a bit enlarged.

 

I mean, most (if not ALL guys) like the woman to initiate from time to time. They want physical affection, sex, admiration. These things are, in many relationships, for many men....emotional needs. Yours aren't being met in the way that you'd prefer. That seems obvious.

 

Are hers being met in the way that she prefers?

 

I know she's the one who messed up. Is it possible that in wanting her to meet your EN's now, you are desiring atonement from her?

 

If so, you must know that there is NO WAY that she can make up for cheating on you. There's NO WAY for her to pay you back.

 

Forgiveness is kind of like 'writing off' a debt that you can NEVER collect on. So, if you've forgiven her....there's no debt that requires payment.

 

You start with a clean slate, and go from there.

 

Possibly, it's a lingering sense of insecurity that makes this issue so important to you. Could be that if she proves herself to you, you'll stop worrying so much.

 

But you must know that there's NO WAY for her to assuage your fears completely. This is where you make the leap of faith. There might always be doubt....but that's true for almost everyone, regardless of if they've had an incident of infidelity.

 

Anyway, the bottom line here is that you may be focusing on this issue a bit too closely. There's still alot of room for improvement in your communications that can be made. The issue itself should resolve nicely once she's reached a TRUE understanding of it.....and she'll not be able to do that until you can communicate it in terms that SHE understands.

 

The difference in a man's perception of love and sex is sooooo different from a woman's. It's a difficult thing to wrap your mind around. Like teaching a fish to fly, or a bird to swim.

[cranium]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

Again I say, it is YOUR responsibility to ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED. It's her responsibility to ask for her needs to be met as well.

 

The woman doesn't have a crystal ball, ya know. Neither do you. That's why you have to keep working at the communications aspect of the relationship, until you've reached these understandings of one another's needs....

 

I think in some ways that her previous affair and her lack of physical initiative in the marriage have become interconnected for you. Do correct me if I'm wrong. But the importance that you have placed on her initiating seems a bit enlarged.

 

I mean, most (if not ALL guys) like the woman to initiate from time to time. They want physical affection, sex, admiration. These things are, in many relationships, for many men....emotional needs. Yours aren't being met in the way that you'd prefer. That seems obvious.

 

Are hers being met in the way that she prefers?

 

 

We talked a little last night and hit on some of these exact points. I mentioned how neither of us are mind readers and I am working on verbalizing my needs and that I am just being insecure at times. She offered that she is trying to not get defensive. I think this weekend played into it also; it was 4th of July weekend last year that she asked for a separation and first lied about OM.

 

I would agree that her affair and her lack of physical initiative are interconnected for me to some degree. Her lack of initiative existed in our marriage long before the affair, but she didn't have difficulty in initiating with OM. So, yes, that is a raw spot for me.

 

What good is it to love someone, if they don't know it?....if they can't feel it and have faith in it?

 

Now, your challenge is to TEACH her to love you the way YOU want to be loved. And you have to be doing the same. You have to love her the way SHE can feel it and trust it. This must be MUTUAL, or it doesn't work.

 

We've both completed emotional needs questionnaires, read The Five Love Languages, etc...I've read and reread her needs; and act upon them daily. I ask her what makes her feel most loved (a question she has never posed to me). My intentions have always been to meet her needs and I thought I was doing a pretty job even before her A. I have always prioritized her ahead of me and my needs; she also prioritized herself ahead of me. Another raw spot.

 

This week started out on a good note. OM has found another job in another city so he will be leaving soon - YES!!

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by cranium

I have always prioritized her ahead of me and my needs; she also prioritized herself ahead of me.

 

Bingo! We have Resentment. See, I'm a conflict-avoider myself....so I recognize it in others.

 

This is actually my WORST thing, relationship-wise. I'm fairly content to coast along building on my self-esteem in service to others. I think that's important, and not necessarily a bad thing.

 

BUT....I have problems asking for my own needs to be met. I sometimes feel that it's not worth the conflict that it might cause. My needs are actually pretty small in comparison to my husband's. He's more high-maintenance than I am. So it seems like alot of trouble for small gain.

 

I am learning, slowly but surely, that it is MY personal responsibility to keep resentment at bay. I must speak up for myself whenever inaction can possibly result in building resentments, even small ones.

 

You two are doing GREAT relationship work, btw. Just keep plugging away at it. You'll get there. It just takes time and perseverance.

[cranium]

originally posted by Ladyjane14

Bingo! We have Resentment. See, I'm a conflict-avoider myself....so I recognize it in others...

 

I sometimes feel that it's not worth the conflict that it might cause....

 

I am learning, slowly but surely, that it is MY personal responsibility to keep resentment at bay. I must speak up for myself whenever inaction can possibly result in building resentments, even small ones.

 

Ladyjane, I tired to PM you (as I have before), but no luck. I mentioned MW said she is trying to not be defensive. Her tendency to get defensive certainly contributed to my avoiding conflict and building resentment. I am also learning to speak up for myself; look what not speaking up for myself got me.

 

Thanks again for your support and insight.

[exoticdesi]

I keep coming back to the intimacy issue, her initiating that is. I wrote my W a long letter regarding my need for intimacy and sexual fulfillment (like wanting to heal's post - Husband needs intimacy) and how important it is to me (like it is to her) to feel desired.

 

Sorry, this seems out of place cranium, but I would like to know what exactly you wrote. I am having same problems on my end. If you have a copy of that letter and don't mind sharing it, I would very much appreciate it if you can emai it. my email is the same as my handle at yahoo. Thanks

[cranium]

Okay, so co-worker OM found another job and moved to another city about a month ago. Right on. Best thing for all of us really.

 

He was back in our town this week to finish up some banking business and stopped by MW's office to visit his old buddies. MW asked what he was doing there and it upset her b/c she had to tell me. I was cool about it b/c I need her to understand she can tell me anything and that I want her to continue to tell me. She said he wasn't there to pursue anything and he said he would "scurry away" (funny he chose that word - rats scurry) when he heard I was also coming by.

 

I hope this is the end of it and he won't be back. I really want to call him though and tell him to not visit his prior place of employment again; at least not if there is a chance MW will be there. What do you guys think? Should I just let it go? Wait until it happens again? I don't want him to think he can start up a 'friendship' again with MW. I don't want him checking in periodically to see how she is doing.

[Mz. Pixie]

I don't think he was there to visit her and even if it was, she was clear she wasn't interested so it's okay. I would let it drop unless he keeps doing it.

 

LadyJ- your post was great. I think this was my problem in my first marriage- I wasn't good at making my needs a priority. Cranium has the problem I had. I always had put my exh's needs above my own and the problem was he did too!

 

I'm trying to make my needs a priority in this marriage and to verbalize it more often. You have stated before you're a conflict avoider. My new husband is too. I've told him that he was based on things I'd heard about his previous marriage. Such as he was pretty sure his exwife was cheating but yet never confronted her, etc. She lied about some health problems she passed on to his son and he never confronted her about it. I hate to hijack the thread but what tips can you give us on dealing with someone who is a conflict avoider??

[exoticdesi]

Originally posted by cranium

I really want to call him though and tell him to not visit his prior place of employment again; at least not if there is a chance MW will be there.

 

Please don't call. It won't make a difference, it will only complicate matters with your W. Even if you call, are you planning to let your wife know ? (She tells you everything, so I guess you owe it to her). Won't that put you guys some step backwards. For one, it will show your insecurity (= drop in attraction) and secondly she would be questioning herself whether she would ever be able to bring the trust back ? Will it ever be enough ?

 

Looks like you guys are doing very great in building your marriage back. Remember, what finally matters is what is in your W head. By now, after so many months of NC, it is high probability that the affection towards OM has worn out. Just act cool, as if it didn't bother you at all. By all means, you can keep checking on her, and if you smell something fishy, take appropriate action. But as of now, there doesn't seem to be anything foul going on.

 

Yours and mine situation is so much alike. Both Married w/ kids (12+ yrs of M). My W had EA/PA 6 moths back which lasted few months. D-Day was May end. Came Back. Trying to forgive and rebuild the M for us and kids. She has NC with OM. And the biggest issue I had (& still have) is Intimacy (like you). I am very patient here, but keep on asking this question whether the attraction/desire will ever return. How did things work out on your end on this issues. Let me know, I am desperate. (BTW, how do I get this PM thing to work ?)

 

Good luck

[cranium]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

I would let it drop unless he keeps doing it.

Thanks, guys. This is how I'm going to approach.

 

Mz. Pixie, hijack away. I welcome any pointers on conflict avoidance.

 

exoticdesi,

I think you hit on part of the answer to your own question. We're still working on the intimacy issue also, but displaying security and confidence in yourself is important. MW loves to see me having a good time with the kids and being happy enjoying life. I think taking better care of myself and letting her know that I am going to be okay goes a long way towards bringing back the attraction. Letting her know that my mood does not depend on her mood.

 

I'll get you a copy of the letter I wrote; I wish she would read it everyday. We still have a long way to go in this arena, so I know where you're coming from.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

I'm trying to make my needs a priority in this marriage and to verbalize it more often. You have stated before you're a conflict avoider. My new husband is too. I've told him that he was based on things I'd heard about his previous marriage. Such as he was pretty sure his exwife was cheating but yet never confronted her, etc. She lied about some health problems she passed on to his son and he never confronted her about it. I hate to hijack the thread but what tips can you give us on dealing with someone who is a conflict avoider??

 

Well, I'm thinking it'll be like the 'blind leading the blind'. This is sooooo NOT by best thing!

 

I'm the eldest of my siblings. And our home-life was somewhat tumultuous through my teen years. After my parents divorced.... Well, they had their own issues to attend to, and that left us kids adapting to circumstances as best we could. Circumstances being what they were....a dearth of chaos was always a welcome respite.

 

I guess all conflict-avoiders get their start somewhere, and that was mine I suppose.

 

Anyway, I developed a knack for smoothing things over. And I thought it was a pretty good thing too, and in fact it has served me well over the years....particularly in the work place.

 

Maybe being a first-born can also produce a more heightened sense of responsibility in some people. Sometimes, I felt like the most adult person in the household when I was growing up. I can't say that I felt like it was "my fault" whenever things would 'go to heck in a handbasket'. But the fact was, no matter whose fault...problems need solutions.

 

Anyway, so now I'm all grown up with a hyper sense of personal responsibility, and an emotional need for peace in my surroundings. Of course, it would be a PERFECT plan to marry what is essentially the male equivalent of a "drama queen":lmao: God knows I love him to the last scrap, but he's a high maintenance man.

 

Case in point. I had a really crappy week last week, and towards the end of it, came home in a funk and all depressed looking for sympathy. Well, of course THAT was not gonna happen. Because EVERY time I have a problem, a hurt, an ache, a bad day.....his is guaranteed to be WORSE! So, I get home, all in the mood for some sympathy, and he's practically prostrated with a migraine headache. Now, I can't get mad, and even though there's not much I can do to help him, I'm doing what I can.

 

But still, I'm grumbling pretty much non-stop. For the next three days! Because I can't help but focus on the negative aspect of how he almost ALWAYS gets my support, but I seldom seem to get his when I'm in a pinch. His situation is pretty much always worse than mine it would seem. So, if I complain about something he's like, "Yeah, that's too bad...so sorry for ya....but what about me?" This is a pattern, believe me.

 

I think it's maybe tapping into your own sense of "personal responsibility" that makes you go ahead and ask for what you need. I have to take responsibility for NOT putting myself into a postion in which I'll build resentment later.

 

Now, I don't expect to have my needs addressed when the man is sick. There's not much he can do to help me when he's just doing his utter best not to puke. But when I'm still grumbling, albeit irrationally, three days later....I have to stop and think, 'it's time to say something'. There really wasn't any reason why he couldn't have come to me the next day, and offered me the shoulder I wanted the day before. I'd have still been happy to have it.

 

What I'm trying to do right now is to focus a bit more, and catch myself when I'm "grumbling". I'm starting to recognize it as venting. And when I'm venting....I'm stressing. It's my responsibility at that point to DO something about it, rather than to make everybody else crazy, right?

 

Anyway, that's my best "plan" so far. It's a 'work-in-progress'!

[cranium]

This weekend marks the one year anniversary of D-day for me. What a difference a year makes. We've moved on from monthly MC to an as needed basis.

 

Sure wish we could have gone about it in a different way, but the last year has brought us closer.

 

Thanks to all of you for your support and insight.

[sylviaguardian]

Well done Cranium,

 

It's so nice to hear the occassional success story in amongst the human carnage.

 

I hope you don't mind me asking questions but I wondered what made you closer. Was it the MC?

 

What about the old 'desire' thing? Did it ever come back?

 

Are you able to trust again.

 

Sorry - I am very nosey!

 

Sylvia