Recovering from Infidelity

[cranium]

Thanks Syl,

 

Communication has been key. MC certainly helped us with our communication skills. I'm still working on trust and the 'desire' thing. I've chosen to trust her and her actions haven't given me any further reason not to. I am more cautious and pragmatic.

 

The desire thing is ongoing. Still working on the role sexuality plays. Here is a quote we both read regarding this subject:

 

“Without sexuality; with dissatisfaction in a sexual relationship, something wears away – the relationship rusts and the harmony fades. Loss of sexuality in a relationship can dull the vitality and create separation. It heightens the risk of creating an emotional chasm or someone having an affair.” Bingo, except she had the A.

 

Loss of or lack of sexuality for long periods of time…this describes pretty well where I’ve felt my needs were overlooked. Same reason why I started the thread on Marriage regarding the importance of being a sexual being. Complacency set in for me after years of working to strengthen our physical relationship, asking/desiring to enhance the sexuality in our relationship.

 

"Sexuality as a part of our overall relationship, woven together with our physical, mental and emotional well being."

 

I became resigned to my role of utilitarian husband and father – wash dishes and clothes, iron, clean house, help with kids, deposit a paycheck, etc, but don’t expect sexuality to be a part of our relationship. It appeared to me that she desired for me to be around to be a domestic provider, but not a physical/emotional/sexual partner.

 

So, I worked to fulfill those needs for her by providing domestic support, family commitment and financial (up @ 4am to commute for higher paying job) in an effort that she might acknowledge what I was doing and take a look at my request for our need for improved sexuality, but that didn't happen. I grew exhausted physically and mentally after being rejected over and over and her rarely displaying desire or any other affection; I felt lonely, sad and unappreciated. Our communication sucked.

 

Then, she chose to have an affair. She chose to have an affair b/c of needs not being met. I own that I neglected attending to some of her needs, just as I am comfortable in saying she disregarded mine. I felt I continued showing affection by fulfilling familial needs as the utilitarian husband she was demonstrating to me she wanted. My physical & emotional needs/need for sexuality weren’t being met, but I stayed within our marriage.

 

Sorry, I'm rambling. I would say we still have a ways to go, but we are both being more attentive to each other's languages. I'm staying focused on today; nothing I can do about yesterday or last year.

[cranium]

In my last post, I stated how MC had helped us with our communcation skills. While a true statement, the scenario I keep finding myself in though, is one of days and days going by (or weeks) with little to no communication regarding our relationship. We only seem to talk if I bring it up.

 

Case in point - I asked MW to think about what we could do together one night this week after kids were in bed, etc...She has been busy with personal activities outside the house and I have been supportive and attentive by taking care of housework, helping out with the kids, etc...my normal domestic dad routine.

 

She asked me to give her specifics regarding what I wanted us to do. I said what I meant was time together to give each other some type of undivided attention, talk, pick a few relationship exercises from books we've read to try, something. She has said she still has questions and concerns, but then she doesn't elaborate. I have told her many times before that I am not a mind reader. I did say I didn’t want to watch TV. We have talked about exercises such as trading intimacy days, but never implemented.

 

She got upset, started crying and left for work. Now, I feel guilty b/c I want (need) to have this type of closeness in our relationship. The purpose of communication is communion. Why does she cry or get defensive? Is she hurting? Is she angry? I don’t like having this heart sinking feeling anytime I voice what’s up for me. Her crying or getting defensive makes me apprehensive to be as open and honest as I need to be. I need to be able to trust her with my feelings. I don't want to be scared to bring things up for fear of how she’ll react. She also will hit me from time to time with “Nothing I do is ever good enough for you”.

 

What I really want is for her to come to me and ask - "Do you feel I am loving you well?" or "What can I do to make our relationship better?" Take responsibility to contribute to the relationship without being asked.

 

Thoughts?

Thanks

[sylviaguardian]

Cranium,

 

I can kind of relate to what you're saying. I feel sometimes that our relationship is back to the kind of drifting along thing that we were doing before. We both work, have kids, you know how it goes...

 

I suppose though there are different ways of working on a relationship, not just talking. For me, talking is the biggie as it tells me he is trying to change and process what he has done. HIS way of coming together in the relationship though is by DOING things. We will never agree but I guess we could come together in the middle a bit.

 

Talking is important, but so is having fun together. Instead of suggesting exercises, do you think you could surprise your wife by taking her out for a romantic meal or to see a film or show that you think she would like? It sounds facile but that's how relationships are built in the beginning.

 

It sounds like your wife is a bit overwhelmed at the moment. One thing I found was although I'd always wanted WH to be more open, when he started getting more open I found it hard to deal with. When he comes home and says he feels down, it's kind of hard for me to respond to that. So I got what I wanted and now see that maybe I didn't really want it (if you know what I mean).

 

Anyway, this is just a bit of a ramble. Keep posting and letting us know how it is going.

 

Syl

[Taylor23]

Cranium:

 

I just read your story which appears to be about 10 months in the making. Your story mirrors mine in that my wife had an affair with a co-worker and I was amazed at some of the feelings you mentioned throughout as I am having many of those same feelings.

 

However, I just found out about my wife's almost year long affair just 6 weeks ago so I am a ways behind you. We are trying to work it out but it is slow.

 

Can you answer two questions for me:

 

1) Should I attempt to find out the details? I am pretty sure I know the answer to this but I can't stop my thoughts about what specifically what happened between them. I feel like I need to know everything or I won't be able to forgive (how do you forgive if you don't exactly know what you are forgiving?). That said - now that I know some of the details they are eating me up.

 

2) Do you regret not doing more with regards to the other guy? The OM in my situation is married and I ratted him out to his wife because I thought she should know what a piece of sh*t she is married to. I feel like he has beaten me. I am not talking about anything illegal or physical but I do want him to live in fear of me (like you said your OM did of you). I am not this type of person in "real life" (I have never even been in a fight in my life) but I can't stop thinking about getting back at him. I could probably get him fired with some other information I have on him which I would feel justified in using because I would be getting him fired to get him away from my wife (although - like your wife - she swears she tells me everything that goes on between them).

 

Thanks

[cranium]

First off Taylor, I’m sorry to hear you’re having to deal with this. The wounds are still fresh and raw for you, but it will get better. It’s been just over a year since I found out; sometimes it feels like it was yesterday. Also, don’t blame yourself. This is about her and her infidelity.

 

1) - If you want to know details, ask for them. I’ve read where some counselors advise not to get into too much detail other than how long (duration of the A, not size of OM’s member), how many times, etc.. I made my wife sit down with me and walk me through it and I definitely got details I didn’t want to hear.

 

I needed to know because she had given him a window into our relationship while she built a wall between us. He was an outsider that was allowed inappropriate access to our relationship. I needed to know, because I couldn’t stop the thoughts either. The scenario I was creating in my mind was worse than anything she could tell me.

 

Knowing some of the details (I don’t think I will ever know all of them) ate me up also. Once I had some of the details and the time-line for the most part had been established, I didn’t use this knowledge against her or to belittle her. She couldn’t really hurt me more than she had and it was important to me for her to be open and honest with me. Forgiving is a gift you give yourself.

 

2) - My wife’s xOM is single. If he were married, I most certainly would have told his spouse. It’s hard not to feel as if you’ve been beaten. I felt as if I had been nullified; the contributions that I brought to our relationship of more than 15 years as a faithful husband and loving father completely wiped out.

 

I am not one to get into fights, but I still want to kick his a$$. I regret not confronting MW more when I had suspicions. I trusted her when she said there was no one else, and that was my naivete. I knew neither of us was happy at the time, but I believed she loved me to much to cheat.

 

He found another job and moved, but still shows up from time to time. I will most likely see him tonight at MW’s company’s holiday party. He doesn’t live in fear of me; he just keeps his distance whenever we’re in proximity of each other. Of course you want to get back at him; he had no respect for you or marriage in general, no respect for your wife’s relationship with you.

 

Try to not make it about him, though. Our counselor asked me – “What if their A had ended and you never found out?” There were issues in our marriage before her A. That said, I am glad he found another job and they don’t see each other every day. MW is glad now that he did also. Can your wife find another job?

 

Stay focused on the here and now. There is nothing we can do about yesterday. What are your wife’s actions showing you now? Do you feel you can trust her to tell you about their interactions? Are you guys in MC (marriage counseling)?

 

Consider starting a thread on your situation. There are a lot of people here that provide excellent advice. Read threads by DazednConfused and ThumbingMyWay; read posts by Mz. Pixie, Ladyjane14 and LucreziaBorgia.

 

Best to you.

Cranium

[Taylor23]

Thank you for your advice. I read a lot of these posts over the weekend and yours really hit home with me so I thought I would just tag on to it - I might just need to start a new one though.

 

My wife is very apologetic and is also being very truthful and forthcoming (I generally believe that when I say it but, that said, I wouldn’t bet my life on it). She is telling me everything and answering all my questions but she is already starting to slip back into her old ways. For instance – the people she works with all drink and party like a bunch of college kids so it isn’t hard to understand how the walls were broken down and an affair began. They had a Christmas party at someone’s house last Friday and she went to it until 4 am. While I don’t think she is dumb enough to do anything now I think that if that continues it will just be a matter of time before it happens again. The only other way to avoid that is to fix our marriage and make it affair proof (because I don’t think she is someone who just wants to have sex with other men – she is just someone who needs A LOT of male attention and approval).

 

My wife can’t find another job because she has invested too much time in this one to walk away from all the goodwill she has created (which sounds kind of like the situation with your wife too) which is why I want to get the other guy fired.

 

I can only imagine how it must be to be in the same room as him. I hope that goes as well as can be expected for you tonight. After this all went down I called this guy and let loose with a rage that I did not think I could ever have in me. I would like to say that it made me feel better but it didn’t – it was just something I needed to do to make sure that he never went near my wife again.

 

You know I read something that said that people who have suffered sexual abuse and other types of abuse as well has having had a spouse cheat on them say that the infidelity hurt them more than the other. I don’t know if that is true but I know this is really tough. No matter what I do there is always something there to remind me of the affair. Everything in me is telling me to quit and just walk away and leave her but I can’t just walk out as long as she is saying she loves me and wants to be with me – I want to be happily married and I owe it to my two boys to make sure that I have done everything I can before I quit.

 

It just shouldn’t be this hard.

[cranium]

For instance – the people she works with all drink and party like a bunch of college kids so it isn’t hard to understand how the walls were broken down and an affair began. They had a Christmas party at someone’s house last Friday and she went to it until 4 am.

 

Same situation here. Many of the people MW works with are college kids or just out of college. They have no clue about responsibilities such as parenthood. Her xOM is a slob and a player. He showed last night, but the crowd was big and we both stayed away from him. I didn't like seeing him, but there was no way she was going without me. He would have approached her if I wasn't there.

 

Was your wife's OM at the party she attended without you? If so, you're more generous than I would be. She stayed out until 4 am; I would have worn out the carpet nervously pacing until she got home.

 

You know I read something that said that people who have suffered sexual abuse and other types of abuse as well has having had a spouse cheat on them say that the infidelity hurt them more than the other.

 

Sounds about right. This is the most devastating experience I've ever been through and that includes the loss of a sister when I was 12. We've experienced huge trauma and now must deal with post traumatic stress. Don't you know I just love having flashbacks, mood swings, thoughts that blindside me. The frequency is not as great as the early days, but I still never know what might trigger me.

 

You can tag on here as long as you'd like. Try to take good care of yourself; for you as well as your children.

 

Peace

[Taylor23]

Thanks a lot. I think you know this - but it feels good to be able to talk about this. I didn't tell many people about it outside of my parents and sister (and my divorce lawyer and friend) so it is nice to be able to talk to someone - especially someone who has just been where I am.

 

Was your wife's OM at the party she attended without you? If so, you're more generous than I would be. She stayed out until 4 am; I would have worn out the carpet nervously pacing until she got home.

 

You know - at this point I am like "if she is stupid enough to cheat on me I will catch her again and we will be done". She can't live as a prisioner and I don't want to be a prision guard. I have told her that I will never do the things I did before to catch her (it took some detective work on my part) because if I feel like I can't trust her I will just leave her. I told her that she can stay out to 4 am if she chooses but it is also a very real possibility that I will choose not to live worrying about what she is doing. I don't know if that is going to work but it is kind of the game plan I have come up with - partly with the help of our marriage counselor.

 

 

Sounds about right. This is the most devastating experience I've ever been through and that includes the loss of a sister when I was 12. We've experienced huge trauma and now must deal with post traumatic stress.

 

I can't tell you how that hit me. I have been very fortunate to this point and have had very little trama in my life until this so I have nothing to compare it to.

 

Don't you know I just love having flashbacks, mood swings, thoughts that blindside me. The frequency is not as great as the early days, but I still never know what might trigger me.

 

I think this could end up one of three ways

 

1) Some people say that you end up having a much better marriage as a result of having to deal with the affair - so I guess that is a possibility.

 

2) We will fall back into our ways before this hapenned and she will cheat again or I will just decide being with her isn't worth the pain and I will leave her.

 

3) This is the one I am afraid of the most - we will be alright - maybe even a little better than before - but there will always be memories and flashbacks and they will be mine - and only mine - to deal with. I figure that once I "forgive" her I can't continue to bring it up so if I have reminders I have to deal with them on my own. It's like our marriage may survive but it will always be tainted and I will be the one who has to deal with it.

 

Do you agree? I almost feel like that if we don't get divorced we will end up at #3 which will probably be better than being divorced but it will never be a perfect marriage.

 

Thanks

[ThumbingMyWay]

3) This is the one I am afraid of the most - we will be alright - maybe even a little better than before - but there will always be memories and flashbacks and they will be mine - and only mine - to deal with. I figure that once I "forgive" her I can't continue to bring it up so if I have reminders I have to deal with them on my own. It's like our marriage may survive but it will always be tainted and I will be the one who has to deal with it.

 

I almost feel like that if we don't get divorced we will end up at #3 which will probably be better than being divorced but it will never be a perfect marriage.

 

WOW...that is exactly how I feel in my situ too....and it wears on me hard.

 

The dynamics of my marriage have changed forever...and its a hard pill to swallow.

[Taylor23]

How long has it been since you discovered the affair? Do you see any hope of things improving? I am afraid that the situation I described will be the situation 20 or 30 years from now - which is really hard to take.

[ThumbingMyWay]

How long has it been since you discovered the affair? Do you see any hope of things improving? I am afraid that the situation I described will be the situation 20 or 30 years from now - which is really hard to take.

 

d-day 1 was 17 months ago.....d-day 2 was 9 months ago.

 

Any hope of my marriage improving...yes.

 

Hope of ME improving on the inside dealing with the thoughts and images...right now...all I have is hope...but the pain is still there.

 

When will it subside?....I have no clue...prolly never...given the nature of ME on the inside....I think it will harbor for quit sometime...

 

TIME is all I have

[Mz. Pixie]

You know I read something that said that people who have suffered sexual abuse and other types of abuse as well has having had a spouse cheat on them say that the infidelity hurt them more than the other. I don’t know if that is true but I know this is really tough.

 

Yeah, I myself am not so sure of that. I suffer from PTSD myself from childhood emotional, physical, mental and sexual abuse. I can tell you I have flashbacks and alot of my problems are tied up in this. I was NEVER the same nor will I ever be.

 

My point is- how can anyone judge someone's pain and say it's less or more than another's??

 

Taylor,

I was once a cheating wife. I needed attention from my husband and he just wouldn't give it to me- always had something more important to do. I can promise you that the sex was not what prompted me to have an affair- but it was the bargaining chip that I used to get what I wanted from the other guy- which was the flirting and attention that I was begging my H for.

 

Unfortunately, I think that's what hurts the man the most. The sexual part.

[lilmoma1973]

 

So agree with Moose that you should ask her to get another job.. When you have an affair with someone you are to cut all ties with that person and her working at the place where the affair happened with the co-worker is setting things up to happen again!!! I am so glad you two are working through things with counseling and she is noticing your changes .. I applaued you for staying and working through your marriage and getting over the affair and was willing to try again !! Speaking from expierence i know that it can be hard but it can only work if the two if you pull together and figure out what made her stray!! I am so glad for you keep up the good work!!

[Taylor23]

Pixie:

 

I think you are right - there is no way to compare one persons pain to another and I don't mean to try to minimize that pain. My point of posting that was just to point how bad this hurts.

 

I was once a cheating wife. I needed attention from my husband and he just wouldn't give it to me- always had something more important to do. I can promise you that the sex was not what prompted me to have an affair- but it was the bargaining chip that I used to get what I wanted from the other guy- which was the flirting and attention that I was begging my H for.

 

That is EXACTLY what my wife said - and I believe her. She just craves so much attention from men and he gave it to her.

 

Unfortunately, I think that's what hurts the man the most. The sexual part.

 

I can tell you that is only one of many things. I feel like a complete fool in that all this hapened behind my back. I feel like another guy "beat" me and was laughing at me while he was having sex with my wife. I feel like the world I thought I knew was a lie. I always liked going out with my wife because she is pretty good looking and I felt good about myself because she was with me - now I find out that she was sneaking away from me while we were out so she could call him. That kind of knocks the ego a little bit.

 

I don't mean to tell you all this to knock you down - I just want to let you know what men feel so that, if you are trying to work things out, you can have all the information. I know very much that I was also responsible to some extent for the affair and that affairs happen for a number of reasons.

[Mz. Pixie]

Taylor,

 

I don't feel like you're flaming me. Actually, we didn't work it out and we're divorced. For one thing, my exhusband would have never changed. He'd promised too many times before. I never admitted to the affair,(my therapist told me not to tell if it would hurt someone else) but I didn't leave him for the other guy. That was a two time deal that we both regretted and never wanted to happen again. The A scared me. It showed me the depths to what I'd sunk to and I knew I'd never be happy with him because he'd never change. He was just too selfish to put me first.

 

I don't want to give the picture that I'm an attention whore for other men. I don't desire attention from other men, I desired it from my husband. The situation I was in was that he wanted to be gone all the time and have me do everything- kids, chores, pay the bills, etc and be ready for sex whenever he decided to roll in. He never once in thirteen years put me first. It wasn't like he played golf once a month and I felt I needed the attention of another man. It was a gradual thing. I had complained and begged so much for his attention and he told me on two occasions "I just don't have time to work on our marriage". He always felt he had time for what he wanted, which was sex, but we never had time for what I needed. I remember when my mom was in the hospital, dying, and I needed him to pick up our son from daycare. He told me he just had too much going on. I said, "I'm sorry my mom didn't pick a good time on your calendar to die" Eventually I got tired of griping and just focused on other things.

 

This was a system of habitual neglect. I also even told him that I was ripe for an affair and then finally, I'm going to leave you if you don't start treating me better. He never got it. He was deep down a good person and he did love me but he just never loved me the way I needed to be loved. He wanted something entirely different out of marriage than I did. I deeply regret that I hurt him like I did, but he's not at the stage to where he wants to OWN what he did.

 

I cannot say that every wife that cheats has had my experience. I really don't think that people early in a marriage- like in the first five years- should even be to the point that this would happen. Sometimes it's a system of poor choices- for instance- if you marry a woman who's cheated on all of her prior mates or husbands and surprise she cheats on you too??

 

A good point to my story. I recently got remarried to a guy who gets it- and I'm happier than ever before.

[cranium]

Originally posted by lilmoma1973

 

So agree with Moose that you should ask her to get another job.. When you have an affair with someone you are to cut all ties with that person and her working at the place where the affair happened with the co-worker is setting things up to happen again!!!

 

Lilmoma – welcome and thanks. Wasn’t sure if this was meant for me or Taylor. Figured me, b/c Moose hasn’t been here in awhile. Anyway, luckily for me and MW, her xOM found another job and moved. Like Taylor, if I can’t I trust MW, what would we have? The OM on the other hand, I wouldn’t trust any further than I could throw him. To this day, every time I see him, I want to whip his a$$.

 

Originally posted by Taylor23

 

3) This is the one I am afraid of the most - we will be alright - maybe even a little better than before - but there will always be memories and flashbacks and they will be mine - and only mine - to deal with. I figure that once I "forgive" her I can't continue to bring it up so if I have reminders I have to deal with them on my own. It's like our marriage may survive but it will always be tainted and I will be the one who has to deal with it.

 

As Thumbs said, the dynamics have changed forever. Neither MW nor I want to go back to how things were before her A; things weren’t great or she would have never done what she did. So now, we move on and make it stronger. I try to stop myself whenever something hits me and tell myself “that was then and this is now”.

 

It’s tough to stay in the present. I posted on a thread once before - the hardest thing for us to do is get out of our heads and live from our hearts.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm of the thinking that one should be angrier with the partner that cheats rather than the person they cheated with. The spouse is the one with the committment to that person, not the other man or woman. That's just my opinion.

 

In my case, I certainly feel my exhusband should have had more anger against me than he did the guy who I had the A with.

 

My now husband? His wife cheated on him after 18 months of marriage, ended up PG with the om's child before the divorce was final. I think hubby harbors more resentment towards OM (who she is married to now) than he does her. He feels like OM should have said, "Go home to your husband, try and work it out and if it doesn't work out then let me know but at least give it a shot"

[cranium]

Maybe it's a guy thing, Mz. P. You're right, he didn't have a commitment to me. But, he also knew she had a ring on her finger, knew me and our children. He is the one that ignored all that and pursued her nonetheless.

 

I believe if he truly were her friend he would have given her better counsel. He would have told her something along the lines of what your hubby said. Instead he saw she was vulnerable and worked the situation to his advantage.

[Mz. Pixie]

Maybe it is a guy thing, although I've seen women have this opinion too.

Perhaps it lies in the fact that you chose to work on the marriage, and you love Ms. C. so therefore you cannot think bad about her the way you do OM?

 

In my husband's case- they actually got fixed up on a date- and he knew she was married when they got fixed up. How wack is that?

[Taylor23]

Part of it is that you are angry and it is just easier to be mad at the other person than the spouse you are trying to reconcile with.

 

That said, this other guy risked my children's future and their chances of growing up in a home with a family so he could get a piece of a$$.

 

People cheat for all reasons and it is wrong to say that everyone who cheats is a bad person - but in my case this guy just wanted to have sex - if he loved my wife so much why isn't he trying to be with her now. When she told him I knew the first thing he said was "is he going to tell my wife?".

 

In my case and, it sounds very much like in Cranium's case, it was just a guy wanting to conquer another woman whether it be because he wasn't getting enough of it at home or was just a player. Either way these guys are pieces of sh*t in my book.

 

Plus - like Cranium says - it's just a guy thing. There is nothing worse than thinking of another guy having sex with your wife while she is wearing your wedding ring. There is no defeat that is worse than that.

[Mz. Pixie]

Well in my case too the guy just wanted to have sex. He also enjoyed the thrill of the chase. We were never in love and never stated that we were. We were just friends who got caught up in something we shouldn't have.

 

I learned a valuable lesson and I can say with all conviction that I would never do that again. I'd rather poke my eyes out with a stick, it was just too painful for everyone involved.

[cranium]

Really feeling down today. I had a conversation with MW last night about how she felt we were doing and where we stood in meeting each other's EN's.

 

When she asked for a separation and I did not agree and got us into MC instead, I was under the impression we would BOTH work on what had gone wrong and look at where we EACH mutually were not meeting the other’s most important needs. As those of you who have followed my thread know, she deceived me about OM for the first few months of MC until I discovered what was going on.

 

I have tried to be patient and give her time to reconnect to me emotionally and achieve greater intimacy, but have felt all along that I have been doing the heavy lifting.

 

What I got from her last night is she just doesn't feel it. She is fed up with the condition of our relationship and has no interest or desire currently to make the effort to fulfill my needs. She still has old resentments she is harboring and holding over me, but won't address or clear the air. She feels all of my happiness is riding on her.

 

I asked if she only stayed b/c of the children and she said no. She doesn't know what to do at this time and appears unwilling to do anything including resuming counseling. I told her I was calling our MC anyway, because I thought we needed a third party to help guide us. I feel like my world is coming apart. Where do I go from here?

[Mz. Pixie]

Gosh, Cranium- I'm sorry. I really don't know what to tell you to do.... but I do have a few thoughts on this.

 

You cannot force her to want to connect with you on a more intimate level- or to want to fix things. I know that you know this, but you deeply desire to connect with her and to make the marriage work.

 

Perhaps she is just longing for the "newness" of being in love, that rush that you can get with a new partner and doesn't know how to recreate that with you, despite your efforts?? She's not getting that there are benefits as well to the long term relationship that you guys have????

 

This is an extremely sad turn of events....and I hate it for you. I wish I could be more helpful. In my gut I feel that if she would TRY and do some of the things that you've suggested before that perhaps she could regain some spark- and want to continue things.

[cranium]

Thanks, Mz. P. I'm glad you stopped by. I feel our history is similar to your own, but I wasn't an a$$ like your previous h. I know I neglected her in some ways which I deeply regret, but there was mutual neglect on her part. She doesn't seem to see it that way or it just doesn't matter to her right now.

 

I know I can't force her and she says she doesn't necessarily want out at this time, she's just not sure what she wants. I suggested the same thing you have, that she just TRY and perhaps I would feel more reassured and not appear as needy to her. But, how long can I keep going while starved for some genuine reciprocal affection.

 

I know I have some personal issues to work on also, so maybe I should just give her space and concentrate on me for awhile. Hurts like hell, but what else can I do. I did tell her that I feel I could become vulnerable for an affair, that we all have the need to feel desired by someone. But, that's not what I want; I want closeness and intimacy with her.

 

I also told her that whatever these old hurts/resentments/grudges she is harboring need to be aired or put away. If I am willing to get past her infidelity, she needs to wipe the slate clean as well. She suggested we resume our conversation this evening which is unusual for her b/c she never wants to talk. I'll let you know how it goes.

[Taylor23]

Cranium:

 

I think we are at the same place. My wife suggests a trial separation and thinks that there is a chance that if we are apart we might find that we really want each other.

 

What are your feelings about that for your situation?