update on the psychotic homewrecker

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

 

After reading all of this I am sitting here wondering what redeeming qualities this man could even have PRETENDED to have that you thought he would be good parent and partner material. He sounds like a selfish, ignorant idiot and abusive jerk, no better than his girlfriend.

 

I think you should not worry about what antics this woman pulls to insult you and just tell your son's dad that your son is DONE going there. Unlocked firearms in a house with two 7-year-olds? Over my freaking dead BODY would my son ever go there for a single second! Did you know about this before you let him go?

 

Abuse from the other kids? Abuse from his dad? No bed to sleep in? I would do ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING to prevent this child from ever going there again. Refuse to let him go there and make this deadbeat louse of a father go to court if he wants to see his son - that way you have an opportunity to present all the evidence why he should never, ever get visitation unless supervised.

[Raena]

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

 

After reading all of this I am sitting here wondering what redeeming qualities this man could even have PRETENDED to have that you thought he would be good parent and partner material. He sounds like a selfish, ignorant idiot and abusive jerk, no better than his girlfriend.

 

I think you should not worry about what antics this woman pulls to insult you and just tell your son's dad that your son is DONE going there. Unlocked firearms in a house with two 7-year-olds? Over my freaking dead BODY would my son ever go there for a single second! Did you know about this before you let him go?

 

Abuse from the other kids? Abuse from his dad? No bed to sleep in? I would do ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING to prevent this child from ever going there again. Refuse to let him go there and make this deadbeat louse of a father go to court if he wants to see his son - that way you have an opportunity to present all the evidence why he should never, ever get visitation unless supervised.

 

I have to agree with you... I don't think I'll be sending him again until we go to court. He doesn't know about it yet so I am not going to say anything just yet. I'll wait until he gets subpoenaed and then I'll tell him that until he fixes the issues above, he isn't going there.

 

What qualities did he have? It's hard to say now. I see him in such a negative light that I don't honestly know what it was that I ever saw in him. There was a point in time where he was my world. I loved him. There must have been something about him that kept me hanging on. It isn't there anymore... especially not with the things he's been doing most recently and for quite a while. I suspect I had my blinders on and didn't see the truth about him. I don't know why. They do say love is blind. Well, I wasn't just blind... I was "deaf and dumb" too. (hope I don't offend anyone with that statement)

 

As for the weapons... my ex is a redneck... he loves his guns. He keeps them out of sight and taught our son to never, ever touch them but he also taught him proper gun safety. He knows better and my son is very good about it. Even when he uses toy guns he uses proper gun safety. He's a really smart kid. Now her kids... I don't know about them. I don't trust that they wouldn't go messing with his things. I don't like it. Honestly, even as smart as my own son is, I still don't like it. Kids will do stupid stuff. I always made him keep them in a separate room that was locked and my son couldn't enter it. I seriously doubt he is doing the same at his new place. And... I hadn't even thought about it until just recently. With all the other stressors going on, I wasn't thinking about what he has in his house, or doesn't have.

 

Yeah... he should have a bed for him. He promised him months ago that he would have his own room there, complete with toys of his own to play with. He lied and didn't provide it.

[Smilecharmer]

Raena, cyber hugs if it feels safe. I'm so sorry you got the runaround from the law. I don't understand why people are attracted to crazy but I guess it is because they fill a craziness need in them. It makes little sense. I just wish they didn't drag the innocent into their crazy making. You and your poor child do not deserve this. I know you want him to have a relationship with his dad but it is time to start making logical choices instead of emotional ones. You are his protector and his safe place so you have to make sure he is never hurt again by her kids and her words.

[goodyblue]

I know this is counterintuitive, but... is it possible that this guy will eventually just go away? I mean, he's got his new crazy family, perhaps he'll get all entwined with that drama and leave your son alone.

 

I know your son loves his dad, but this dad is not the dad he had his whole life, it's some different weird guy that will allow him to be abused. Not okay.

 

Be honest with him, as honest as you can without it being traumatic.

 

I'm so sorry. I just ache for your situation.

[Owl]

I agree with the thought to call CPS, describe for them the handoff and assault issues, and see if there's anything they can do to help (such as supervise the handoffs, and/or investigate the assault by the other children).

 

And...you need to get an attorney. I understand that's very cost prohibitive...but it's the best way to protect yourself and your son at this point.

 

They should be able to help you steer through the confusion of how to get an OOP and/or steps to take to protect your son and ensure that he's safe during his visits, and that you're safe during the handoffs.

[DivorcedDad123]

Go to the store and get the video footage. Do it now,so they'll still have it. I wished I had done that two years ago.

If you can't get it,get a P.I. to get it for you.

What state do you live in? I'm thinking the police are lying to you.They don't want to get involved in domestic disputes,but her language and threatening go beyond that. Here, you'd have a case for a protection order against her and harassment charges. But,you'd need the video evidence or witnesses.

[No Limit]

Screw visitation. What purpose would arguing about not having her around have? You damn well know he lies, whatever he says is a lie and he'd bring her about again.

 

The only time he can visit should be when you're around, and only with you and her of course being kept out. I know another poster said that already but I'll happily repeat it again.

And if he doesn't want to visit like that, too bad. That bastard ought to learn how to be a fine submissive doggy to his terror girl and be a nice dad for her terror offspring.

 

OP, if you look at the drama now, do you really want to stay involved? I know going NC is hardly possible at the moment but really worth a thought once you have the reins again. I really suspect she'll go nuts if he ever tries to leave her and especially the fact that he has guns at his home should worry you.

[Raena]

I said the same thing to myself about the police. Honestly, he spent more time talking about custody issues than anything else. I told him more than once that this isn't a custody issue... it's that this woman has repeatedly harassed me via social media and then verbally attacked/threatened me in front of my son. I asked him how it is that she can get away with doing this over and over again. He cited the changing of the laws... saying his hands are tied and that a judge will not sign off on a OOP for her yelling at me.

 

So basically, she can do whatever she wants, the police won't help me.

 

I sent him a text last night telling him that he needs to get the guns locked up and get a bed for him. He ranted at me that I'm trying to run his life. I told him that this isn't at all about me running his life, it's about our son's safety and well-being. I just wanted it documented that I stated it to him. I knew damn well he would deny it all. He says the guns are locked up and he already has a bed for him. My son tells a different story about the bed and hasn't mentioned the guns. I'm not even sure he's aware that his father has them at this point.

 

Court proceedings will begin soon enough. I really can't afford a lawyer. There are no ifs, ands or buts about it. I can't afford it. It just isn't going to happen. I make too much money to qualify for legal aid but not enough money to support us on and pay for a lawyer at $200 an hour.

 

If there is a next time... we will exchange at the police station and I will video tape it. It's that simple. I will NOT go through all that craziness again.

 

It won't be much longer before he's back to working weekends anyway... and I've already made it clear to him that he is not taking our son for the weekend and leaving him alone with her all day while he's at work.

[Raena]

I find it to be incredible frustrating that I have to direct this grown man as to what's acceptable. He's worse than a defiant teenage boy. You'd think he'd know better by now what's ok and what isn't.

 

He says that Hobo is leaving this coming Sunday. I don't believe it but I tell you what, if it does happen, it would make things so much simpler. He and I didn't have all this drama when he wasn't with her. (They weren't together for a few months at one point) He behaves the way he does BECAUSE of her. She can't stand him talking to me AT ALL. Every time I've had to interact with him, she's busy running her mouth to me telling me to stop bothering him. I can only imagine what she says to him. I mean really, me texting him about our son's health is none of her frigging business but yet she ranted at me for texting him about it and then he ranted at me too as if I was being such a bothersome fly. I know they both wish that I would fall off the face of the planet and that they could take my son from me but that is NOT going to happen.

 

I've been sitting back, doing my own thing, documenting all the stupid crap he (and she) says and does and when the time comes... I'll share it all with the judge. I'm getting tired of sitting back being quiet though. I've taken an awful lot of abuse and I'm tired of it. I can see why people snap in these situations.

[SleeplessIn]

Can you block her on the social media?

[No Limit]

Would it have any severe consequences if you just ignored the custody crap and didn't let your son go over there?

And let him call his dad instead of going to these monsters?

[Raena]

yes, she is blocked everywhere I can block her.

[Raena]

Would it have any severe consequences if you just ignored the custody crap and didn't let your son go over there?

And let him call his dad instead of going to these monsters?

 

Well, honestly, at the moment, there is no custody or visitation in place because we were never married. So, no, there would be no legal consequences right NOW. However... when we do go to court if I had refused to allow him to go over there then it would look bad on me. As sad as it sounds, it looks better for me that I have tried to make this work and had to deal with craziness. It gives me ammunition to prove why I'd ask for certain things...

 

Besides all of that... despite all the bs, my son loves his father. He WANTS to go see him.... still wants to even with the bullying going on. He's quite mad at me right now because I told him he isn't going there this coming weekend.

 

I took a long time deciding whether or not I wanted to involve the courts... mainly because I didn't want to be forced to send him there or god forbid.. be forced to share custody 50/50. That isn't going to happen with his father's work schedule anyway and the fact that he lives 45 minutes away... but it worried me. It worried me MORE that he could pick him up at any given moment in time and take off with him and there would be nothing I could do.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

What a nightmare! I would find it hard to believe that she's leaving that easily. It is not ok for your son to be in that environment. He should not be picked in or harassed in his father's home and he should absolutely have his own room with his own bed. I'm sorry if I missed it, but is it possible to file a motion for a Guardian ad Litem for your son to protect him from this woman and her children's abuse?

 

I get that they don't care that this woman is giving you grief but it's a different ball game if she is abusing your child.

[Raena]

What a nightmare! I would find it hard to believe that she's leaving that easily. It is not ok for your son to be in that environment. He should not be picked in or harassed in his father's home and he should absolutely have his own room with his own bed. I'm sorry if I missed it, but is it possible to file a motion for a Guardian ad Litem for your son to protect him from this woman and her children's abuse?

 

I get that they don't care that this woman is giving you grief but it's a different ball game if she is abusing your child.

 

I don't have to file a motion for a law guardian for my son, it's a normal part of the procedure. I should be hearing from this person, whoever they assign, pretty soon.

[jellybean89]

Stop texting him. Stop giving him any power over you. Stop telling him what he should and shouldn't do. Take his ass to court. There is NO need for you to get Into a text war with him. That fuels the fire.

 

Let him sink himself. Do not send your son there until you have a court order. You can have it written in the order that unless they are married, he cannot have his playmate there overnight while your son is there.

 

Time to start protecting your son. Stop looking at her twitter. Don't waste your time on this trash. Fight for your son, through the courts.

 

Good luck.

[chelsea2011]

I don't have to file a motion for a law guardian for my son, it's a normal part of the procedure. I should be hearing from this person, whoever they assign, pretty soon.

 

You are doing awesome, Raena!..even if it feels stressful you're doing the right thing! I'm so happy you are standing up for yourself. That's great!

 

Keep it up and things will begin to settle down once they realize they can't walk all over you. You go girl!

[Spark1111]

Well, honestly, at the moment, there is no custody or visitation in place because we were never married. So, no, there would be no legal consequences right NOW. However... when we do go to court if I had refused to allow him to go over there then it would look bad on me. As sad as it sounds, it looks better for me that I have tried to make this work and had to deal with craziness. It gives me ammunition to prove why I'd ask for certain things...

 

Besides all of that... despite all the bs, my son loves his father. He WANTS to go see him.... still wants to even with the bullying going on. He's quite mad at me right now because I told him he isn't going there this coming weekend.

 

I took a long time deciding whether or not I wanted to involve the courts... mainly because I didn't want to be forced to send him there or god forbid.. be forced to share custody 50/50. That isn't going to happen with his father's work schedule anyway and the fact that he lives 45 minutes away... but it worried me. It worried me MORE that he could pick him up at any given moment in time and take off with him and there would be nothing I could do.

 

Raena...you are thinking waaaay too rationally, too logically for this scenario.

 

You are NOT married to your H's father? Do you receive alimony or child support from this man?

 

Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire, crazy with crazier....

 

So if you were to REFUSE this man the right to see his son, he would have to sue for visitation, yes?

 

Let him. He can see your son at your house with you there. Period.

[Raena]

Spark... you and a few other people have suggested the same thing... he can come visit him here.

 

When he and I first split up, I was actually very okay with that idea. Now, not so much. Right now, I can't stand the idea of him being anywhere NEAR my house. I do not want to have to see his face, hear his voice, smell his smell... period. I can't stand to be around him for more than a few seconds to exchange our child let alone allow him into my house. I've spent all this time cleaning and rearranging and getting his "footprint" out of my house. I certainly do NOT want him back again, nor do I wish to spend any amount of time with him... at all.

 

In the beginning, I allowed that. He came over here a few times and each time he did, my anxiety went through the roof.

 

At this point, it's probably better to wait until we go to court. It shouldn't be too much longer? Not sure, the court date could be slotted for 3 months away. I'd much rather he get that girl out of his house and then take our son for the weekends to spend time alone together. Just the two of them together isn't an issue. Involving his new gf and her kids is the issue.

[Raena]

and it's this particular gf that is the issue.

 

I have told him more than once that it would be better for all of us if he would get rid of that crazy psycho and find someone else to date. Him being with her is making him do stupid ****. In my little fantasy land, he'll ditch her and find someone who is actually nice and respectful towards me. Yeah right, like that will ever happen huh? I don't want to spend the rest of my life with this kind of hatred and drama towards me and my son. I wish he could see what it's doing to our child and to our ability to co-parent.

 

Someone else mentioned that I shouldn't even be texting with him. I do HAVE to talk to him about things. I really can't just ignore him. He's my son's father. I can't just cut him off. I wish I could, but I really can't. For the record, I don't chat with him very often. This all came out because of her behavior. Normally we don't talk about anything other than our child and we rarely do that either.

[Hope Shimmers]

I may be way off base, and I apologize if I am, but something in the undercurrent of your posts suggests to me that you still are hurt and still miss him in some sense and are not over him.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with that as he hurt you and you loved him and you said he was a different person when with you than he is now. If I were you I would certainly be hurting and resentful.

 

The issue is now your son and I agree with spark as I said before.... you are the only one who can protect him. If I were you I would make him get a court order for visitation or custody before I ever let him go over there again. Just the potential of unlocked guns, combined with violence towards your son from the other kids, is scary as hell. What if her 7-year-old (the one who has been verbally and physically attacking him) decided to pull a gun on your son? Even in "fun"?

 

Anyway, it will probably get worse before it gets better but I'm glad the child has someone to protect him.

[Hope Shimmers]

Someone else mentioned that I shouldn't even be texting with him. I do HAVE to talk to him about things. I really can't just ignore him. He's my son's father. I can't just cut him off. I wish I could, but I really can't.

 

You can, actually, as he's the one who left (you and his child) and there is no visitation or custodial agreement. You can do anything you want until he fights it and gets some kind of agreement, at which time you can present your case. Until then you don't have to say one freaking word to him about anything.

[DivorcedDad123]

You can't keep your son from his dad. Neither parent can keep a child from the other parent. That's called "parental alienation" and a sure fire way to lose custody if you did that and he proved it.I'm assuming he's on the birth certificate as the father?

You've said yourself that the child wants to see his dad. Keeping that from happening would be alienating and courts these days are taking that more seriously.Even if he's not paying child support,he has a right to see the child.

You also can't make demands as to who he has with him at exchanges. The court will see him as a parent who "should" be able to make rational decisions. It's not always true,but you won't get far trying to bar certain people from exchanges.

You'd need a protection order against her to get that done.Otherwise,the court will just see it as a squabble and his atty will paint you as jealous and vindictive.

Court systems and laws have changed alot in recent years. Some for the better,some for the worse.

You're doing the right thing,as bad as it makes you feel and as much as you hate it. Hopefully,he opens his eyes to what he has around him and his child and tosses out the trash.

Stick to the high road,and get a digital voice recorder.

[Hope Shimmers]

You can't keep your son from his dad. Neither parent can keep a child from the other parent. That's called "parental alienation" and a sure fire way to lose custody if you did that and he proved it. I'm assuming he's on the birth certificate as the father?

 

Of course she can't keep him from his dad permanently, but right now there is a very strong case that his dad and that situation is risking his son's safety AND there is no formal visitation or custodial agreement in place AND the dad voluntarily left. In that case someone needs to look out for the child and make sure that the dad goes through proper legal procedures to get his rights as a father, as which point the case can be presented that the situation may be abusive or not appropriate for the child. At that point the dad's rights can be exercised, if appropriate. He left...

 

You've said yourself that the child wants to see his dad. Keeping that from happening would be alienating and courts these days are taking that more seriously.Even if he's not paying child support,he has a right to see the child.

 

Not if he's abusive.

 

Even so, there are ways that he can see the child until it gets resolves, such as at a restaurant like McDonald's or a park or some other place that does not involve overnights and will allow the mother to be there until the courts weigh in. HE walked away - she didn't.

 

You also can't make demands as to who he has with him at exchanges. The court will see him as a parent who "should" be able to make rational decisions.

 

You can make demands, actually. I did it successfully because at the time my ex-husband was not rational in his relationships either, and the order was for only him and I to be present at exchanges and (ultimately) for there to be consent from the other ex-spouse before an adult "guest" could meet the child.

Edited July 30, 2014 by Hope Shimmers

[Raena]

Hope, I suspect that there is a difference between going through family court due to divorce than there is when the parents were never married. The entire approach is different.

 

While I agree with you that there is nothing his father could do to me if I said no, he can't go there... that is only temporary and as divorceddad said...it wouldn't look well for me in court when we do finally go.

 

The police officer I spoke to said the same thing divorceddad did... I have no say in who will be at the exchanges. The best I can ask for is that the exchange take place at a police station. I can't say who is allowed there and who isn't.

 

It seems so easy doesn't it? I should just cut him off and say Hell NO! But the reality of the situation is much more complicated than that. Yes, he walked away... but if he asks to see him and I refuse that makes me look like a jealous vindictive ex.

 

It's insanity if you ask me. I mean this dip**** destroyed an 11 year relationship for some hobo half his age with no job, no hs diploma, does drugs, 2 kids, no money, no aspirations other than to be a pain in my ass, no class.... basically a white trash whore (and yes, I see her as a whore, she saw him and saw dollar signs and he pays for everything for her). He then proceeded to completely ignore his child, alienate me, encourage her to harass me, pay more attention to her kids than his own and generally act like a complete moron... but I'm the idiot because I'm supposedly the jealous ex who sees the truth of this situation. If I say ANYTHING negative about him or her that makes me look like I'm jealous. Really? I'm not jealous, I'm mad as hell and just speaking the truth about what is really happening. How DARE he do this to his innocent child... How DARE he blame me for his inability to keep his pecker in his pants and be faithful?

 

I'm so worn out these days that I'm tired ALL the time and almost numb to the craziness.

 

Oh... and Hope... yes, there is a part of me that is hurting. I don't want to ever be with him again but yes, he hurt me... to the core. Ripped my heart out and shredded it. So yeah, that's going to come across in my posts. It's better than it was though. I don't cry myself to sleep at night anymore and I'm getting out more and enjoying life. It still feels like he stole something from me. I don't know what it is or how to get it back, but it's gone, whatever it is.