My friend is dating a crazy jealous woman, how to talk some sense into him?

[CharlieFox]

So my friend started dating this woman ~8 months ago. In the beginning things were great between them, they hardly had any arguments about anything and he was saying they seem like a perfect match. They're both in their mid 30s and things got very serious very quickly. He moved in with her after two months.

 

Shortly after that, things started to get messy. She is a whole new level of jealousy which to me sounds like insanity... She got in a fight with him after seeing his photo albums (which mostly contain photos from his youth) where he's next to other girls, or even got jealous from the autographs he got from a couple of his favorite female singers.

 

He's not allowed to watch movies on TV (and he's a huge movie lover), because they have beautiful women in them, and she gets angry at him for literally having his eyes on the TV during a commercial which has a woman on it - I dunno what she expects him, to turn his eyes away from the TV like a child when there's adult stuff on?...

 

When they're out together and he says "Hi" to women who are colleagues, friends, acquaintances, anything, she gets angry at him for doing so. She gets angry if he's listening to music sung by women, let alone hearing him sing those songs. She got angry at him for carrying a plastic bag which had a woman on it. She gets mad when he's putting a new piece of clothing before going out, asking him who is he getting dressed up for.

 

Because of her jealousy and control his whole life is starting to crumble. He has an old, sick mother who needs his help sometimes, and is recently not getting because of his GF. Whenever he goes out to carry on with his work or tasks, she tells him where she is about to go (she's lying of course), and that there will be a ton of men who "maybe she'll flirt with", basically trying everything to make HIM jealous and keep him with her... WTF?!

 

Mind you, he is a very busy person and has 2 jobs, taking care of his sick mother and doing a whole other things, and she just won't let him alone by calling him all the time and asking him who is he with and asking him to drop things (like helping his mother) and come back home. But she is also telling him he's irresponsible and won't be a good father and is unfaithful and all kinds of bull**** which isn't true.

 

He tried to leave her once after he had way too much of her **** but she started faking she has a heart attack, and that he proves that he's just like all the other men in her life, and she was right that he will leave her because he's oh so irresponsible and not committed and a TON of other bull****....

 

I don't understand how my friend can still care and have some feelings for her, but she is making his life miserable on so many levels and it affects not just him but his family and his friends as well (he's not allowed to go to family gatherings for example because his cousins and brothers are bringing their beautiful wives as well).

 

I really don't want to poke my nose into stuff that's none of my business, but recently she started hinting that she's pregnant, and that drives him crazy, because she's not quite honest about it, but she keeps talking about it and this can seriously **** up his life it it's true, because he needs to get away from this woman as far as possible. I am really concerned about my friend and just don't know what to suggest to him.

 

How can I approach him and give him a talk to make him understand that he needs to drop this thing before he's gotten too deep in the ****hole?

[d0nnivain]

If he's not leaving, there must be something he likes. I agree with you. She sounds nuts -- not letting him watch movies but it's his relationship. All you can do is be there when he finally wakes up.

[CharlieFox]

I said he tried to leave her, but she started acting like she got a heart attack and crying and pretending she's hurt physically. She has done this several times to him. He says he senses she's just pretending, but still feels bad to walk away from a person who's crying and asking for help...

[gaius]

Crazy women can be addictive. I'm biting my fingers not to write one as we speak.

 

Just let him have his fun. I doubt he'll get one that bonkers again anytime soon.

[d0nnivain]

I understand that he tried to leave & she pretends & he falls for it but you have to understand that it's still his choice, even if it's a dumb choice.

[CharlieFox]

I'm not saying it's my choice to make, but he does come to me to complain a lot about it, and I hardly say anything. And sometimes I feel like he does want to hear more from me, but I try to stay away as much as I can as I said before. Still, I feel bad sometimes and I do want to say something. She's a real nightmare, but I can't say that.

[Keenly]

I know some times people will give the advice of let him make the choice himself, but in this case he can't do that.

 

He is incapable because he is blind to it and she has such a stranglehold on him that he can't.

 

 

Its up to you, his friends, to stop this madness and open his eyes to how insane she really is. My friends tried to do this ONE time. I shrugged it off. I really... really... really wish they had kept trying.

 

 

Your friends notice when you change more than when YOU notice that you change.

[d0nnivain]

If your friend is coming to you to complain, instead of telling him what to do, ask him pointed Qs to help him see the light. Examples include:

 

1. Don't you think it's a little extreme that she gets upset if you watch movies with women?

 

2. How do you feel when she manipulates you by faking sickness when you try to break up with her?

 

3. Wouldn't it be easier to date somebody that doesn't have all of her issues?

 

4. If you get married will your cousins & brothers be allowed to bring theirs spouses & GFs to your wedding or does she expect your whole guest list will be male?

 

5. Don't you get tired putting up with all of her drama?

[ExpatInItaly]

Next time she claims she's having a heart attack, advise him to call an ambulance. She's clearly bat-****. He's clearly making a very foolish decision in staying. There's not much you can do, other than offer an ear when he gets sucked back into the crazy.

[pteromom]

I'm not saying it's my choice to make, but he does come to me to complain a lot about it, and I hardly say anything. And sometimes I feel like he does want to hear more from me, but I try to stay away as much as I can as I said before. Still, I feel bad sometimes and I do want to say something. She's a real nightmare, but I can't say that.

 

Say it. If he is coming to you to vent about it, give him your opinion. You can be nice about it, but it is fine to say it.

 

When you are in a situation like this, with someone who is doing crazy things that you don't understand, you tend to question yourself... is this NORMAL? Should I just be happy to have her? Is the good sex worth this? Is there something wrong with ME that causes her to act like this? If I was a better boyfriend, would she be calm and happy?

 

What you want more than anything is validation that what you are feeling is right and normal.

 

It's perfectly OK to give that validation to him.

[CharlieFox]

Well, here's a little update.

 

He called me last night around 1 to ask if he can sleep over at my place for the night. When he came he was furious. Apparently she didn't leave him alone for the whole day, kept bugging him about every single thing, and at the end of the night he just couldn't take it anymore (honestly, I'm surprised he was able to withstand THAT long) and left. She started crying and shouting that if he leaves, she's going to jump from the bridge nearby (thus killing herself) and couldn't stop calling him for the rest of the night.

 

He just left my place a few minutes ago, because his mother called him and said that the lady's parents are over at her place (and they live in another city). So... This crazy woman called her parents to come over because of her relationship problems and is putting stress on both of their families..?

 

I hope he really ends this today because it really isn't going to better if he keeps going back to her.

 

Keenly, d0nnivain, ExpatInItaly, pteromom, thank you so much for your comments. That is what I was looking for when I made the thread, so you helped me out a lot. I raised these concerns and asked him these questions, and it wasn't really like I was telling him something new. He was already thinking about ending this for real, but I guess it helped to have a friendly input on it. But I have you to thank for that.

[Diezel]

The best you can do is be there for him, because no amount of ANYTHING you say is going to turn the lightbulb on. It might help, but he needs to realize for himself what is going on.

 

I had a similar situation with my best friend. I told him up and down to not make the mistake. I even missed his wedding because I didn't want to be an "accomplice". He finally learned... after the divorce.

[CharlieFox]

The best you can do is be there for him, because no amount of ANYTHING you say is going to turn the lightbulb on. It might help, but he needs to realize for himself what is going on.

 

I had a similar situation with my best friend. I told him up and down to not make the mistake. I even missed his wedding because I didn't want to be an "accomplice". He finally learned... after the divorce.

 

Thank you for your advice.

 

Although wedding is one thing, a baby is another... I really hope it doesn't go there though.

[d0nnivain]

Wow. She dragged all the parents into this? Maybe those 4 people can get him to see the light & get her the help she needs. That is beyond extreme. I wouldn't drag my parents into my marriage, let alone a dating relationship.