I'm tracking my husband's work email. Am I right to be suspicious of this one girl?

[Jane0501]

I'm posting about my husband emailing this attractive woman from work and asking if he was interested or cheating. Last week, she was on vacation and they emailed every day, even though she wasn't supposed to because of her husband! (Yes, I have access to his work email. No, he doesn't know it.)

 

At one point she said she was buying him a gift, but that he would have to wait until Monday. He also bad mouthed me to her, complaining that I cut him off from work when we go in vacation!!

 

I also arranged for an older lady who works there to keep an eye on the two ( she's my spy). She said that he went straight to her office this morning, said welcome back, asked how her vacation was and kept making small talk, but didn't walk into her office.

 

But she did see him hanging around where she was in the hallways and starting conversations, even though there were other ppl there!

 

Then... She walked into his office with a bottle of wine.. He thanked her, she explained that as soon as she had some, she had to get him a bottle!

 

A few weeks ago, she cooked for the dept and he sent her a gushing email about her initiative and skills, saying she had inspired him to cook... And that he wanted to do it next time.

 

So when she was in the office, the lady said he brought it up:"What about our lunch? We have to pick a date!". And he put it on his calendar in front of her, she will be organizing it for the rest of the dept.

 

He says he's going to make pasta with meat sauce, she says "And something without meat, so I can have some..". He said he would also make eggplant roll-ups with ricotta filling just for her since she's a vegetarian!

 

The older lady who is helping me saw her going into his office to drop off papers and he was trying to keep her there.

 

Then he said he was trying to get organized and she said "Because you're leaving?"... We are going on vacation this week! Then he said "Yes, on Thursday, goodbye world" and she said "Do you really manage to do that, stay away from work?" He said "My wife takes my phone"

 

She said "No way! My husband tried but if I followed his rule, I'd be miserable.. And I didn't get caught while I was on vacation last week, so it worked!"

 

He said again, disappointed "My wife just takes it..."

 

Should I be mad at him? Or was this inappropriate to bring me up like that? He and she were emailing every day last week while she was on vacation!

 

There were countless other things... Emails at all times of the day and night, weekends, some flirting with sexual innuendo, now he's acting depressed about our arrangement and telling her about it!

 

Am I overreacting?

[mammasita]

You OBVIOUSLY have HUGE issues in your marriage if you have to snoop through his work email and have someone spy on him.

 

My main and only question is why the hell are you torturing yourself?

[d0nnivain]

It depends. If a spouse takes a work-a-holic's phone to get that person to actually relax & not work on vacation & that dynamic works for them fine.

 

Why do you take your husband's phone on vacation?

 

I am troubled by the fact that you have his work e-mail. that breech of security & confidentiality vis-a-via his employer could get him fired. Have you thought about that?

 

So far all I have seen from your story is that your husband has a friendship with a colleague.

 

Even if you two get past this I don't know how he will continue to work for his employer knowing your spy also works there.

 

You seem to be doing more to destroy your marriage then he is.

[Jane0501]

Because he was acting weird, I wanted to know why.

 

And weekend, late night, non work related emails with this girl only were likely the cause.

 

Even if it is a friendship at this point, he's paying way too much attention. This girl is just an admin and he's an executive. My spy said that in a meeting today he kept deferring to her and asking her questions, clearly giving her more attention. She was the lowest title in the room, the older lady said!

 

The fact that he also said he would cook is laughable. He told her its because he'd have his kids (I'm a second marriage) and they would all do it together! I'm the one who cooks, not him, still there he was telling her he would make two dishes and even one especially for her.

 

All I want is perspective. All of this sounds very suspicious to me, and the girl isn't exactly ugly. Am I just too jealous? Please be honest!

[Jane0501]

Btw, I take his phone bc he's a workaholic.

[mammasita]

Because he was acting weird, I wanted to know why.

 

And weekend, late night, non work related emails with this girl only were likely the cause.

 

Even if it is a friendship at this point, he's paying way too much attention. This girl is just an admin and he's an executive. My spy said that in a meeting today he kept deferring to her and asking her questions, clearly giving her more attention. She was the lowest title in the room, the older lady said!

 

The fact that he also said he would cook is laughable. He told her its because he'd have his kids (I'm a second marriage) and they would all do it together! I'm the one who cooks, not him, still there he was telling her he would make two dishes and even one especially for her.

 

All I want is perspective. All of this sounds very suspicious to me, and the girl isn't exactly ugly. Am I just too jealous? Please be honest!

Yes.

 

But did your husband cheat with you on his first wife?

[Jane0501]

Of course not, he was already divorced!

[d0nnivain]

Perhaps your husband was mentoring her . . . helping her to see that she can advance herself.

 

I'm not saying ignore your gut but your paranoia is over the top. When his employer finds out you are in his e-mail, he WILL be fired for this. Is that what you want?

[Jane0501]

No he won't be fired its his family's company. Now can we focus on the real issue? Is he interested in someone else? With everything I've read, I don't see how he could not be...

[ExpatInItaly]

Your marriage is in trouble if you've resorted to this. What was he doing that made you suspicious enough to read his email and ask someone to spy on him? Have you had trust or infidelity problems with him or another man before?

 

He doesn't sound overly interested. She sounds keen, though. And you need to address the real problem(s) in your marriage.

[CharlieFox]

No he won't be fired its his family's company. Now can we focus on the real issue? Is he interested in someone else? With everything I've read, I don't see how he could not be...

 

I mean, how can we know, really?

 

You're saying mostly what your spy lady is telling you, but how is your relationship with him actually going?

 

And by the way... A woman asking another old woman in a company to spy on her husband and another beautiful woman from the company... This sounds like a setup for a ton of drama and intrigue, even if there is zero.

[Zahara]

some flirting with sexual innuendo

 

There is certainly cause for concern. There's some form of chemistry developing.

[scatterd]

I will not scold you for trying to find out what is going on. They say to follow your gut, if he has nothing to hide it wont matter. I think its time to ask him for counseling though. For some reason you do not trust him. Good luck

[d0nnivain]

This is his family's company and you think your "spy" is loyal to you? {shakes head}

 

For clarity since you aren't getting my point.

 

Your marriage is in trouble because YOU are paranoid. I don't see him doing anything except being a friendly mentor.

[Elle1975]

Depending on what kind of job he does, having his work phone is part of the job. When you take it away, you treat him as a child. Is that the dynamic of your marriage? If so, I'd work on that.

 

This girl isn't the issue. The issue comes from the problems you have within the marriage.

 

I don't think he is cheating no. I think he sees her as someone fun who doesn't take his phone away, and with whom he can be himself, feel valuated, and appreciated.

[No Limit]

That female coworker is definitely open for it. Not sure if your husband is much of a cheater though, most would have already acted on it.

[camillalev]

He's clearly flirting with her, maybe just a lightweight crush. She's definitely playing along. I think it's weird for him to be emailing her "all times of the day and night including weekends" With sexual innuendos.

Edited July 29, 2014 by camillalev

[camillalev]

 

She said "No way! My husband tried but if I followed his rule, I'd be miserable.. And I didn't get caught while I was on vacation last week, so it worked!"

 

Emails at all times of the day and night, weekends, some flirting with sexual innuendo

 

 

I see an emotional affair brewing.

 

What did she mean by "and I didn't get caught while I was on vacation"?

[Jane0501]

He's not a mentor. She's not his direct report, not even in the same division, but they have to work closely together. They were interviewing someone yesterday, her boss and much more important people were in it, he turned to her and said "Do you mind of I skip one of the questions?"!! He was in charge of the interview, my spy said he was the most senior in the meeting! Apparently, the girl also thought it was weird, because she laughed nervously and said "Sure! You're asking ME?!"

 

She meant by the getting caught remark that she did some work while on vacation and her husband didn't catch her. He has a "rule" that she shouldn't work while they're away and she managed to hide it from him. And apparently he was playing right along, acting victimized bc I take his phone...

 

But what in his behavior shows flirting other than the sexual innuendo I mentioned? The cooking thing was the big giveaway, if he actually cooks it might be even worse!

[Damia]

Yes I think there some issues in your marriage you need to look at.

Yes I think your intuition is correctly ringing alarm bells.

Yes I think there is the potential for your husband to "fall into an Affair"

 

Has he changed anything else? How he dresses or getting fit/losing weight?

 

Are you able to call into his work and take him out for lunch?

Use your upcoming vacation to reconnect ?

Or just tell him you feel he has been a bit distant is everything ok?

Or you could say someone at his firm mentioned he had offered to cook and would he like your help to prepare something ?

Can you ask an innocent question about the woman involved to see how he reacts?

 

I also think you should keep your fact finding methods quiet for now. If it does come to light and he is innocent it will drive a huge wedge between you.

[CharlieFox]

I will ask again - how is your relationship going, besides the stuff about you spying on him and what the old lady is telling you?

 

Seriously, it seems a little bit that you both are just looking for some intrigue and drama in your life... He could be just friendly with her for all we know and has no other intentions.

 

Have you tried connecting with him recently in any way?

[Try]

For clarity since you aren't getting my point.

 

Your marriage is in trouble because YOU are paranoid. I don't see him doing anything except being a friendly mentor.

She is getting your point, but she just thinks that you are wrong. For clarity, so do I. She does have reason to be concerned. I am surprised that you think that the other woman (OW) sending "Emails at all times of the day and night, weekends, some flirting with sexual innuendo", and even sending such emails behind her husband's back while on vacation, is OK. Just because a person is paranoid, does not mean that they do not have good reason to be. Edited July 29, 2014 by Try

[Jane0501]

He seems distant. Finding out that he was complaining about taking his phone away didn't help.

 

I got more information today - basically him stopping to talk to her in hallways, at one point walking into her office to drop something off and saying, smiling "Did you see my quick turnaround on that?" My spy said he looked very "animated". I don't know how to interpret that.

 

Then at one point he was rushing somewhere, she stopped to ask a question, he stopped to help her... Which is unlikely when he's off to go somewhere! Then later on, she said that the girl was just walking by and he said "Do you have a question for me? I was rushing off earlier..." she followed him and again they started talking about his vacation and staying away from work, and he told her "And I just took on another project". She seemed surprised, asked if it was for before we leave, he said no, for when he got back...

 

Now, mind you, my husband is an exec, the girl is an associate... He should not be sharing this information with her! Then apparently they got interrupted, but the point was that my spy felt that it sounded as if he was bragging to her.

 

And there there was another email. One of his direct reports sent him a jokingly scolding email and copied the girl... He just replied "You are welcome.." so the girl writes only to him yesterday "A man of few words! :)"

 

He waited until this morning, 2 minutes after he was in the office and wrote her "Simple. Is best."

 

Although I am annoyed that he replied at all to something so basic that didn't need a reply, he did not email her outside of working hours, which is a change.

 

Now, this could be good - he's establishing a boundary. Or bad - he's covering his ass for future reasons... Because he has decided to take it further but does not want a paper trail. This is what my gut feeling is telling me...

 

What do you guys think?

[Jane0501]

Another question just came to me... How would a faithful husband who's not interested treat a woman who seems interested in him? He seemed very matter of fact in emails I read from months ago and in the past couple of months, he is completely different with her. Not to mention that he took the initiative to cook for her! My spy said the girl said "I didn't think you were really going to cook when you said it... So I don't bring it up again". To which he replied by offering to cook something strictly vegetarian for her. And he doesn't cook that much or at all!

 

Apparently, one of his direct reports might have noticed this, my spy said the direct report told the girl "He said he would cook? What he meant is that his wife will"... I'll leave it at that. I think other people are noticing his different treatment of her.

[chucksagent]

I hate to be the one to tell you this...all these liberal "hope-mongers" on this site will tell you different, but I am giving you a sneak peek into the male playbook.

 

The SECRET for ANY good man to stay faithful (and most women I believe) is this: DON'T PUT YOURSELF IN BAD SITUATIONS!!! THIS INCLUDES CREATING BAD SITUATIONS!!!

 

Humans make mistakes. Males are very horney and love sex. Even if a man LOVES his wife, and another hot girl throws herself at him, it will be VERY hard for him to resist. Yes, it's possible, but it's not probably.

 

Therefore, the key to success and fidelity is to NOT CREATE OR ENTER BAD SITUATIONS!!!

 

Your husband has not only CREATED a bad situation; he is living and breathing in it, and making it worse every...single...work day. He is wrong for doing this in more ways than you know.

 

All it will take is one late night alone for the two of them or one night out for drinks...he may not even make a move, heck even if he PROBABLY won't make a move...if she is the home wrecking type and see's him as a good provider and she is attracted to him...she will use her feminine wiles and make a move. I promise you.

 

You need to communicate to him this isn't how a married man should act.