How to initiate NC??? Do I just start without telling him??

[newdaynewstart]

Alrighty...I am so glad that I have found you all first of all!

 

I am SO SO tired of the situation but yet day after day after day I continue it! What is wrong with me??

 

For those of you who have not heard my story...her is the jist of it. I have been with my MM for a little over a year now. I told my self that I would never by an OW and here I am. My MM and I's relationship has changed somewhat. It used to be this fun, exciting relationship for the both of us. Well, of course emotions got involved and here I am MISERABLE.

 

MM's life has changed. His wife had their second child in December. So with 2 kids under the age of 2...we do not talk on the phone like we used to nor see each other like we used too. Am I listening to myself...I want to be with someone with 2 kids under the age of 2 that is married! I am an idiot!

 

Well...so what I am getting at...is that our relationship basically consists of emailing all day at work now. I know...sad. So after a long weekend of thinking I told MM Monday that we needed to be friends...I said that we need to have NC. Well...his little lines telling me that he feels like he just broke up with and lost his best friend made me cave into how it would be okay if we still emailed each other as friends as long as we stopped all of the other aspects of our relationship.

 

Well it is Wednesday... I do not know if there are any of you out there that go home at night and think about how your MM is at home now eating with his family. It makes me sick! I have always been the type of person that was very confident...even with him for the longest time. And now I feel like I am this pathetic girl that tries to act not pathetic and basically settles for his scraps!!!

 

So...I do think that he is to a point where he is getting tired of me hurting and it is not "fun" anymore because he knows that it beats me up! And even though I know that it will hurt him to not have me in his life...obviously he has made the choice to stay with his wife and he will eventually get over it.

 

So...do I email him tonight and basically tell him my good byes and stick to it! Or do I not even bother contacting him and telling him and let him figure it out???

 

I just can not handle the feeling of getting off of work after emailing all day...and coming home and feeling SO empty...when I know that he is home perfectly fine occupied with his family.

 

Advice? How have you initiated your NC??? Why can't I get it through my skull that I am better off having some dignity and hurting and not talking to him at all than putting myself through this????

 

Advice???

[KissMyTiara]

Try to start dating other people. The moment I realized I was actually attracted to someone other than MM, the moment I could for a second picture myself with someone else down the road, with my own kids, my own house, etc., all separate and apart and having nothing to do with MM (even if in my imagination these things came from some silly guy I just had a crush on), the more I began to see that I COULD live without MM. I have slowly been weening myself off of him - I know it's hard. SO hard. But it's just like any other breakup, really. The pain will get less and less, and someday you'll look back and think "phew!, glad that's over!"

 

Although, ya know, I haven't followed my own advice, so maybe I'm not the best one to talk on this subject...

 

 

I know how you feel at the end of the day - the emptiness, the loneliness. The last contact I get with mine is at about this time of day everyday...I'm the "last call of the day" when he's on his way home to fix dinner for the kids and do whatever else familes do. I don't have a person that is my home - but he has 4.

 

The truth is you will never be his home, you will never really be where his heart is. That's not to say that his heart is with W either, bc it's not - his heart is split in all different directions. You deserve 100% of his heart, nothing less. Tell yourself that over and over and over. There ARE guys out there ready and willing to give you not only 100%, but 100000%...

 

If you go to the movie theater wanting to see Sleepless in Seattle, and all that's playing is Predator, do you really stay and fork out the $10 for the ticket to sit alone in that theater, eating fatenning popcorn that will make you feel like crap for 3 days afterward? No, you don't. You wait until Sleepless is back on the big screen.

 

You deserve to get what you want, and Sleepless is worth the wait, and worth passing up Predator for.

 

I'm waxing poetic quite pitifully here...just in a sad attempt to convince myself of my own words. It's working...but it will take some time.

[MsMree]

I wasn't successful the 1st time - so this time i wrote him an email that WAS NOT EMOTIONAL. I stuck to the facts...

 

Here is a copy of my last few lines to him - you may use it if you want.

________________________________________________________________________________________

This is a time for me. Marie. Not giving you what you want, not being there for you - none of it. I need to end this once and for all - I am ending it. Therefore there will be no more phone calls, emails, drive-bys or any contact from you to me (vice versa).

 

Please know that any anger i feel is more at myself and not you and that anger always dissipates, however the need to have you no longer in my life will not.

 

Finally, I wish you well, i wish it were with me but i've accepted that it is not nor will ever be.

________________________________________________________________________________________

 

I haven't sent it yet - he is in TX until Monday - however, i did tell him that i don't want him call'g me while he is there visiting his family.

 

Finally, i wish you luck - it is very hard to walk away - you must believe that not only do you deserve better you will have better.

 

You'll be in my thoughts!

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by KissMyTiara

I'm waxing poetic quite pitifully here...just in a sad attempt to convince myself of my own words. It's working...but it will take some time.

 

KMT, you're hilarious. I always enjoy your posts. I think your other calling was Writing! "waxing poetic quite pitifully"

 

NewdayNewstart,

 

I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. (Well, maybe not exactly...) It takes time, hun. There were days when I didn't want to delete his emails. Days when I wanted to hang onto them just to reread them and somehow convince myself he loved me. Finally, I just held my scared "inner girl" by the hand and said, fu(k it, you will never know what is out there if you don't take a chance and let this guy go. IF we were really their #1's, our MM would have left their wives in a heartbeat. Whether they stay out of love or out of obligation, we will never, never know for sure. If we take their words at face value, then yes, they are staying out of obligation. But if we look at their actions, we know otherwise. I know it's hard, but there were a few things that have helped me immensely:

 

1) No contact. NONE. Zilch. Zip. Why prolong the healing process. It's like leaving a wound untreated on a sandy beach. Sand is bound to get on it and it will take that much longer to heal.

 

2) Delete, throw out, and/or burn ALL memorbilia that he gave you or that reminds you of him. Sooner or later, the painful memories will become so distant, you will hardly recall the agony. I had a delightful "sayonce" with my friend. We drank a bottle of wine, laughed about what a loser he was (with a huge nose) and burned them. Well, almost, we were worried about my landlord, so instead we shredded the pics and letters into tiny bits and pieces.

 

3) Keep sooo busy. Fill your day planner. Make lists of things you need to do and do them. Clean out every drawer in your place. If your job fills you, take on extra projects. If it doesn't, volunteer with a cause you care about. Join a board of directors team.

 

4) Keep a journal. Write, write, write. Make a list of all the things you liked, and all the things you didn't. Write a list of what you WANT. Including how you want to be treated. Remember you are a QUEEN.

 

5) Read a book on something new.

 

6) Surround yourself with friends who support you. And BE a friend when someone else needs it. You'll be amazed how worrying about someone else's problem takes your mind off your own.

 

7) Keep posting here!!! We need to read your stories. I need the reminder of where I came from and why I need to NEVER go back. And newbies need your strength.

 

Good luck girl, I'm here for ya!

[moo]

Well, I don't have a surefire, successful method because I am trying to do the same thing myself.

 

I have found during the past few weeks that everytime I say never again to him, I end up going back to see what he feels, to see if he misses me, to see if he is sad about it, to see if i mean anything at all to him, to see if he can say sorry or anything and every time it's always the same. He doesn't. He doesn't say anything much about it. If I say, "Can't you say sorry?" He says sorry, but he never really says sorry. He doesn't seem to care ... Then, I feel like a failure for breaking it, think he must not take me seriously at all ... and I start the whole process over again.

 

This time he completely ignored me and I am just ignoring him without telling him I am going to.

 

I hope this is going to be easier, but I dont know. I think everybody has their own way they find is best for them and their mm and their situation, I guess each thing you try is part of the process. Ultimately, it doesn't matter how many times you have to try or what you have to do, as long as the end result is the same ... that you manage to move on with your life away from people who make you feel bad.

[MsMree]

Emphasis on the somewhat.

 

Ultimately, it doesn't matter how many times you have to try or what you have to do, as long as the end result is the same ...

 

I think it is better if we can do this without too many "tries" - after awhile, MM/MW will not take you seriously even when you are dead serious. That can be so detrimental to your self-worth.

 

Of course the most important thing is to get it right - i believe that most of us are not successful the first time we try to break free from our relationship(s).

[kkat]

Here's something I posted months and months ago - it helped me make it through my first long NC period with MM - it has taken me several tries but boy I am almost home free!

Good luck:

 

The following is taken from a book that helped me, "This Affair is Over" by Nanette Miner and Sandi Terri.

 

Ten Steps to Regaining Your Life

1. Accept the fact that he is not leaving.

2. Stop your association with him.

3. Stop obsessing about him.

4. Seek outside help.

5. Start a "new life".

6. Keep a journal.

7. Make a list of goals.

8. Re-establish your friendships.

9. Become spiritual.

10. Fake it till you make it.

 

Obviously, there are sub-steps to many of these. But try to interpret them and create action plans around them.

 

Number 1 is a critical first step.

 

Number 2 means absolutely ZERO contact, which includes things like checking his email if you have passwords, drive-bys, etc. etc. The key is that if you do have any contact, whether a phone call or a drive-by you initiate or engage in (doesn't matter who dialed - you must not answer if he calls ) you just have to start clean the next day, like if on a diet you eat cake one night you don't have to eat it every day for the rest of the week or your life, you know!

 

For Number 5 - A must! And make it fun! This one turned out so great for me! I got a puppy! I took language classes, started cooking little dinners for myself and having dinner and wine in solitude at home, started yoga classes, and reading classic literature I hadn't read for years. I changed my entire routine - my bedtime - rearranged my furniture - anything to change my patterns!

 

For Number 8 - I was lucky because I have always had great friends and never abandoned them during boyfriend periods. But, I started making new, additional friends and making plans, in advance, for almost every night of the week and slots all day long on Sat and Sunday.

 

Oh gosh way too much information. Sorry! Hope some of it helps.

[MsMree]

You stated you are almost home free - can i ask what keeps happening? Does he initiate contact? Do you get weak?

 

I'm asking because it sounds like we may be on the same page - any info. you want to share would be a big help.

 

THANKS!! (and thanks soooo much for he 10 steps - so glad these are not another 12!)

 

~M

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by kkat

Here's something I posted months and months ago - it helped me make it through my first long NC period with MM - it has taken me several tries but boy I am almost home free!

Good luck:

 

The following is taken from a book that helped me, "This Affair is Over" by Nanette Miner and Sandi Terri.

 

Ten Steps to Regaining Your Life

1. Accept the fact that he is not leaving.

2. Stop your association with him.

3. Stop obsessing about him.

4. Seek outside help.

5. Start a "new life".

6. Keep a journal.

7. Make a list of goals.

8. Re-establish your friendships.

9. Become spiritual.

10. Fake it till you make it.

 

Obviously, there are sub-steps to many of these. But try to interpret them and create action plans around them.

 

Number 1 is a critical first step.

 

Number 2 means absolutely ZERO contact, which includes things like checking his email if you have passwords, drive-bys, etc. etc. The key is that if you do have any contact, whether a phone call or a drive-by you initiate or engage in (doesn't matter who dialed - you must not answer if he calls ) you just have to start clean the next day, like if on a diet you eat cake one night you don't have to eat it every day for the rest of the week or your life, you know!

 

For Number 5 - A must! And make it fun! This one turned out so great for me! I got a puppy! I took language classes, started cooking little dinners for myself and having dinner and wine in solitude at home, started yoga classes, and reading classic literature I hadn't read for years. I changed my entire routine - my bedtime - rearranged my furniture - anything to change my patterns!

 

For Number 8 - I was lucky because I have always had great friends and never abandoned them during boyfriend periods. But, I started making new, additional friends and making plans, in advance, for almost every night of the week and slots all day long on Sat and Sunday.

 

Oh gosh way too much information. Sorry! Hope some of it helps.

 

Love your advice KKat!! Wish I had seen this back when my rough days began!

[LadyRLD]

KKat hit it right on.

 

Once I started my detachment with my MM. I faked it until I really started to get detached. What I did in the meantime was read a Lot of self help books particularly from Iyanla Vanzant.

 

Then I went out to the clubs even though I just felt like staying at home crying. Every man who asked me on a date I went out with.

 

I want to get my degree in Computer Science so Now I am a college student. I refinanced my condo and bought a new car.

 

I focused a lot on my friends. I hung out over my best friends house a lot. She was depressed so I lended an open ear to hear and it took my mind off of my own stuff.

 

Then I finally started forgetting MM and realized what Loser he is and what a gem I am!!!! Now I found someone who is single, no babies who I have fun with!!!!

 

If you can do all ten items until you train your mind to think about something new. WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

[kkat]

 

KKat, question for you...

 

You stated you are almost home free - can i ask what keeps happening? Does he initiate contact? Do you get weak?

 

I'm asking because it sounds like we may be on the same page - any info. you want to share would be a big help.

 

 

Hi Ms M -- thanks for your note and all the other nice words from everyone else.

 

To answer your question, for me, it's been both my weakness, and falling a bit into my addiction here and there that has kept me from making it 100% to the finish line. He initiates contact - constantly - and occasionally I react by picking up his call or calling him back. He always has an angle - some reason he is calling - and I have, to this point, never completely broken free. Also - big point - I have fallen into a mindset from time to time where I've convinced myself I can just be friends with him. While I know that's theoretically possible one day, I am certainly not there yet.

 

For me, it is an addiction. And I am so close to being free - I no longer have emotional pain around him - or very, very little - but occasionally I fall into the HABIT of calling him or answering his call/talking to him.

 

But the important point here, I believe, is that by following the 10 steps and lots of hard work, support, etc. I have gotten so far down the road. I feel like I have this at a manageable place now, and that even better, every single day I get better and stronger. I take 10 steps forward and 1 back, and I can live with that progress.

 

I would advise that you write down the 10 steps in a notebook, one page for each, and list TANGIBLE specific steps you can take for each of the 10 steps. For some, you might not have any ideas right now and that's ok. For some, you might have dozens. Just pick one and do it today/tomorrow! Please read Lady RLD's ideas in this post - they are excellent!

 

I thought at one point I might kill myself over this guy and now I am back into life with full force. I would like to support anyone I can. Let me know!

[SummerRae]

Lady, KKat, you two are like a breath of fresh air!! There is HOPE! I am so excited when I read what you two wrote, I wish I had friends like you around here! The ones who are deep but also know how to have a good time! Please keep on posting, it helps me soo much and I'm sure it helps others too!

[SummerRae]

Question for KKat, where did you find the book "When the Affair is Over" and did it help you a lot??? Was it a spiritual book? (I ask because I love those kinds of books...)

[kkat]

I did a search on Amazon and that's how I found the books I bought. I read

"The Other Woman's Guide to (and from) Infidelity) - which is a workbook, "This Affair is Over" ( which is not very spiritual in nature, to answer that question) although I have alot of spiritual influence in my life from other reading, friends, etc.) and "Don't Call That Man".

 

I also read several, several books on the topic of Love Addiction (not sex addition as that's not my problem). Honestly, for me the love addiction books were in many ways the most helpful because they are what really helped me distinguish my fantasy version of the MM from the reality, and helped me identify a long-term problem I have had of pursuing unavailable people, or available people whom I sabotage relationships with, because of my own patterns.

 

If you live near a big bookstore, go one night and browse and see if you can find any of these titles. Or just go on amazon or another site and order them.

 

I wanted to mention one other thing, or stress it if I mentioned it before...for me the turning point came when I could say that I wanted to be happy and free. Period. Not that I wanted him to leave his wife and be with me. That I wanted to be happy and free - I was willing to take that happiness in any form the universe would deliver it. That allowed me to put all of my energy towards that, and stop focusing on trying to "get him to be mine".

[newby]

kkat,

 

That I wanted to be happy and free - I was willing to take that happiness in any form the universe would deliver it.

QUOTE

 

I LOVE THIS!

 

these books on love addiction do you remember the titles? because what you say about falling in love with unavailable men and sabotaging relationships with available men thats really my problem, it has been for as long as i can remember. i think i am cured and then i go and do it all over again, and it becomes so severe as to invent really far fetched reasons why i cannot be with the available men, i even pursue a man for a long time whilst he will not commit to me and i think thats what i really want just want him to turn around and commit to me, and when they do, i panic, its horrible

thats the funny thing about this mm, i think from just knowing how i have been in the past that if he were to call my bluff and say ok i'll leave my wife, lets get together i have the suspicion that i might just run away in absolute terror

it makes no sense to me

i definetly dont feel like that at the moment with him, but i have been here before

i cant seem to get to the bottom of this problem or cure it

i know what things have caused it

but curing it, now that i cannot seem to do

did these books actually help you to cure yourself of this ailment once and for all? how are you now in relationships? have you tried any relationships since working on yourself with all of this stuff?

[Miffy]

Hi, been through similar but I was the one having the affair. Still we were both in relationships so I often felt like the other woman!

 

Anyway wanted to pass on titles of a couple of good books I read

 

'how to mend your broken heart' paul mckenna.

'women who love too much' not sure who by!

 

First one good as it has psycholgical techniques for when they 'pop into your head' - sure you've all been there, when you think you are having a reasonable day then all of a sudden for no reason they pop into your head and you go to pieces!

 

Self help books really helped me.