TheBladeRunner Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 All the usual tough stuff is there: Dating with kids, when they get sick, and heck, I'd just like some help with laundry sometimes .....but the toughest part is the "switch" sometimes. The XW just got back from a 4 day trip with family and dropped my daughter off. She comes in and proceeds to cry and I ask her what's wrong (I already know). She tells me that she wanted to stay with her mom tonight, but wanted to be here also. I get it, she's 6. This is so hard to deal with sometimes but then I realize that she get's over it quick (under a minute usually), but I'll be darned if it's not the longest minute of my life. The hardest part is when she says "I wish you and mommy weren't separated"; I always follow up with a "me too sometimes" and leave it at that. I often wonder if my WWXW ever thinks of the pain she caused not really to me, but our daughter. I am going to go with a no on that one. Funny thing is that those little bouts with missing mom are WAAAAAAAY better than it was almost two years ago when we separated. Back then the tears lasted for an hour at a time and would come out of nowhere. It has gotten better and for those that still struggle it will get better. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
veggielover Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 I'm glad to hear this.. because this is what scares me when I move out with my little. She's 5. I'm having a hard enough time keeping it together... it's going to be really tough on her.. I just have to keep reminding myself it's for the best in the long run. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheBladeRunner Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 I'm glad to hear this.. because this is what scares me when I move out with my little. She's 5. I'm having a hard enough time keeping it together... it's going to be really tough on her.. I just have to keep reminding myself it's for the best in the long run. No matter what, you have to do your best to keep it together.....you'll lose it once in awhile, but do that in private. The younger ones are tough, it's hard for them to understand, but they adapt with time if you allow them to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 My daughter is 5, she has already been through separations. It's awful. And I fear that she's going to see the final things soon. Whenever her Dad has been gone, she's asked and asked about him. Then she'll swing the other way and not want to phone him or talk to him at all. (I haven't told him this). During our separations she'll talk as though he's coming home and she's going to show him something at the end of the day. It's really heartbreaking. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
veggielover Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 We have not told my little about the separation yet. She knows we are selling the house and moving.. but not together. When I told her we were moving, she said she wanted to draw a picture of her family for the new house... just "me, you, and daddy". Broke my heart. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Back then the tears lasted for an hour at a time and would come out of nowhere. It has gotten better and for those that still struggle it will get better. Boy do I remember those days. My then 3-year old son used to cry most of the first night he was at my apartment. Many times, I cried with him. And then we were fine. And just as you described, it gradually became the new normal. We survived, adapted and eventually prospered. It does indeed get better ... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 (edited) Sometimes I feel like I should have been more affected by my divorce. I honestly only had one moment when I broke down and cried. After that I felt like I just needed to accept what happened and, while I never cried, I would still get moments where I'd feel depressed and just lie in bed for a while. I dunno. Maybe I'm just unemotional. My children, to me, seem to be handling it well. Sometimes at first when they came back from their moms, she would turn on get water works and this would affect them. I tried not to cry for them. Was this bad? Gosh maybe I really am a robot. Edited July 29, 2014 by M30USA 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RonaldS Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 We used to have huge problems with our kids when we would do switches, particularly my daughter who is 8 and had the largest percentage of her life spent with my XW and I together. She would totally break down. Heartbreaking. My middle son would do it a little, too, but he tries to be stoic. My youngest son doesn't really know any other way, so it doesn't seem to faze him. With the older two....it's hard, but I have found the best way to transition between parents, and the whole saying 'goodbye' thing, is to just not make a big deal out of it. I tend to keep it relatively short but meaningful....let them know I love them, let them know I'm proud of them, and then remind them of what work they need to do (schoolwork, being helpful for mom, etc), talk briefly about what they have coming up, things like that. It takes the focus off from 'I'm leaving you', and it's a little more relaxed and casual when you make it a little more business-like then having a big emotional scene. It's hard, because hearts break on both sides every time. But I don't show that. I just focus on the aforementioned and don't make a big deal out of saying goodbye. Once in a while, my daughter will fall apart a little, and when that happens, of course there's more reassurance. However, same thing...I just emphasize the stuff coming up, the stuff they need to do, and so on...with a few extra hugs and kisses. It's helpful to remember that action determines reaction, especially with kids. If you show strength and a casual attitude, they're likely to relax a little. If you get emotional and hug them goodbye like you're never going to see them again, yeah...they'll probably freak out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheBladeRunner Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 If you get emotional and hug them goodbye like you're never going to see them again, yeah...they'll probably freak out. This is EXACTLY what her jack-wagon mother does and this is why she falls apart like last night. My XW and her POS absentee daddy do this same crap.....co-dependency in the making IMO. She wanted this (XW) not me, I wish she would tone it down a little. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 This is EXACTLY what her jack-wagon mother does and this is why she falls apart like last night. My XW and her POS absentee daddy do this same crap.....co-dependency in the making IMO. She wanted this (XW) not me, I wish she would tone it down a little. In addition to that, my XW wife used to tell my son "when you come back on Monday, we'll do...". So rather than the focus be on our 3 days together, she wanted him fixated on the return to her house. I always took the high road in return. When I dropped him off, I'd say "I'm sure you'll have a great time with your Mom. See you on Friday". Easier to let karma run its course... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheBladeRunner Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 In addition to that, my XW wife used to tell my son "when you come back on Monday, we'll do...". So rather than the focus be on our 3 days together, she wanted him fixated on the return to her house. I always took the high road in return. When I dropped him off, I'd say "I'm sure you'll have a great time with your Mom. See you on Friday". Easier to let karma run its course... Mr. Lucky You and I sir are the same! My XW does the same stinkin' thing! "Call me tonight if you're sad", or "When you're with me we'll go to grandmas". UGH! It really grinds my gears sometimes, but like you, I take the high road. My XW is a weak, insecure weannie. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Just wait for the time when they're finally understanding what's going on. I've never cried a tear after my father. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheBladeRunner Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 Sometimes I feel like I should have been more affected by my divorce. I honestly only had one moment when I broke down and cried. After that I felt like I just needed to accept what happened and, while I never cried, I would still get moments where I'd feel depressed and just lie in bed for a while. I dunno. Maybe I'm just unemotional. My children, to me, seem to be handling it well. Sometimes at first when they came back from their moms, she would turn on get water works and this would affect them. I tried not to cry for them. Was this bad? Gosh maybe I really am a robot. We all deal with it differently, I don't really cry much, but it has happened. The thing that kills me is having flash backs to the life we had; I thought it was good......I guess it wasn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SuperGeek Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 I'm divorced but I don't have kids. Reading threads like this makes it hard for me to want to get married again I'm glad it does get better for everyone though, especially for the kids. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheBladeRunner Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 I'm divorced but I don't have kids. Reading threads like this makes it hard for me to want to get married again I'm glad it does get better for everyone though, especially for the kids. I am in the same boat....First marriage, no kids, still sucked. This time around I have a child and I am stuck dealing with her. I fake an "OK" relationship with her but deep down I really don't like her anymore. 2 marriages that were both destroyed by infidelity on their part and I will never marry again. As far as getting better, yeah, sure, but it will never be the way I wanted/imagined how I wanted it to be. Kids and divorce can be OK, but it takes a lot of work and a conscious choice to take the high road regarding the X. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RonaldS Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 The only, and I mean ONLY, thing that matters regarding kids post-divorce is that they know they're loved and they know that you are there for them. If they do, then they will have good lives and happiness. If it is always a big drama-drama with your ex, and there's manipulation, or negligence or absenteeism or lack of relationship building...that's when the kids suffer. I was talking with an old friend last night who recently got divorced. Her XH has virtually nothing to do with their daughter. Doesn't really make the effort to see her or build a relationship with her. Then he uses her to manipulate the mom. It's crap like that where the kid ends up getting screwed and subsequently screwed up. People worry about having kids because of the relative likelihood of divorce and the harm they predict it will bring the kids. But what kids truly NEED isn't an intact nuclear family. What they need is two active, loving, caring, involved parents. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 In addition to that, my XW wife used to tell my son "when you come back on Monday, we'll do...". So rather than the focus be on our 3 days together, she wanted him fixated on the return to her house. I always took the high road in return. When I dropped him off, I'd say "I'm sure you'll have a great time with your Mom. See you on Friday". Easier to let karma run its course... Mr. Lucky Wow, this is exactly what my ex-wife does. She even made a scrapbook for my boys with a calendar in the back so they can check off each day until they go back after summer with me. Ex and her family never ask what they're doing with me, don't show interest, and just try to load up their minds with how great life will be when they finally get to leave Daddy's house. Link to post Share on other sites
Geddy Lee Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 I also have a 6 year old daughter and we're in the process of separation and I have no idea how to get the strength to tell her. That seems like the hardest part. But if you have been able to gather that strength, that helps others to know we can survive this. Link to post Share on other sites
RonaldS Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 The thing to always bear in mind regarding the other parent and possible manipulation: Kids are smart, perceptive and intuitive. If mom or dad is on some BS manipulating their thoughts and emotions, don't worry. If you work your hardest, do your best, and are an involved, loving parent, the kids will see that and know it. A mom who gets the kid all jacked about coming home after being with dad.....that might work for a couple of years, but eventually the kid realizes what's going on. Nothing an ex can do can influence the relationship you have with your kid(s). That's something between you and the kid(s). The only person who can diminish, damage or disrupt your relationship with your child is you. So, if you are the parent they need you to be, and you establish the trust, the love, the caring, the discipline, the communication....nothing that anybody else does can influence that. And when they try, kids sniff it out very quickly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheBladeRunner Posted July 31, 2014 Author Share Posted July 31, 2014 Thanks Ron! ^^^^Above^^^^ is always been a concern, but you are right. What I have with my daughter is between us and cannot be destroyed by the XW. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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