I caught my boyfriend on a casual encounters web site

[klandes]

About a week ago i caught my boyfriend on a causal encounters web site. How? well i went into the history browser and found out he was searching all the personals (casual encounters). At that time i was furious and demanded him to show me his email account. He wouldn't - I was so close to break things off, but let it go for the time being since i had no proof. Vindictive self that i am, i posted one and placed my picture, just for the fun of it, and to show him what it feels like, i got hundreds of replies and showed him all of them, but never replied or took any of them seriously.

 

However, last night at 3am I went into his email (the dummass left it open in my computer) and found out he's been sending pictures, receiving them and replying to a few of these posts. I went ballistic, it was horrible... after showing him the screen, i took his jacket and threw it out into the rainy street. I was done, but he wouldn't leave my apartment. His "excuse" was that he only does it when he gets drunk or bored, but swears on anything and everything that he's never met any of these girls. I was cold as ice, i wouldn't turn back to even look at him, he kept declaring his eternal love until he cried and begged me not to break up with him. (the first time i saw him crying) and that was the only reason i felt bad and let him sleep instead of taking the subway for another hour. Or else i would have taken extreme measures as to calling the cops. He's still a bastard and i don't know what i'm gonna do. I know he truly loves me, and i'm mad in love with him... but i can't take the infidelity and he just got too close to it.

 

Am i overreacting here? Even though he swears he's never cheated on me... it's just so hard to believe it now. He was definitely planning on it! Is this reason enough to break things off?

 

I feel like giving him another chance and then doing the same thing he did to me... start replying to all those emails i got... making him feel like crap and then end things off. Or else it wouldn't be even and square.

I need quick advice before he comes back to my place tonight, even though i told him NOT TO and that i needed some space.

[westernxer]

Sounds to me like someone's testing the waters. Or, like he said, maybe he's just bored and drunk, as if that really holds water.

 

Is he bored with you? How often is he drunk? And can't he find something else to do besides look at the personals? Maybe he hasn't met anyone "yet", but come on now.

 

I definitely wouldn't put up with it.

 

The two of you need to talk...

[bubblygrl5]

Oh my god! Are you dating my ex-bf???

 

SAME EXACT THING HAPPENED!

 

He left his email open, and i saw it. BUT, I checked the SENT mail and saw what he wrote back. He had met up with one and had sex. My ex said it only happened once, but upon checking with my guy friends..they told me that if he says it only happened once...that translates into - it happened a few times. SO, I would almost bet anything that he (YOUR GUY) has met up with these girls...or is talking....or emailing. Whatever the case, it is WAY inappropriate for a guy with a gf.

 

Best of luck girl. I've been there, I know it hurts.

[d'Arthez]

First of all, he had been warned that you would not tolerate this kind of nonsense. That he did not dare to let you read the replies he got, is a big red flag. It would be his job to reassure you nothing was going on, and the only way to do that is by letting you read his messages. You gave him a second chance.

 

Second of all, you repaid him in kind by putting your own picture up, and allowing him to read all the responses you got. Not exactly the classiest thing to do, but it should have made your boyfriend come to his senses.

 

Third of all, he let himself be caught with the intent of cheating. The cheating is an assumption, but considering the nature of his actions you can be dern certain that he was not out to play a game of backgammon. If you want to make friends over the internet, it is possible. But it does not require posting of (nude) pictures, nor any lame sexual innuendo to people on the internet.

 

He may be testing the waters, or whatever. He may subconciously feel he wants to get out of the relationship, or whatever motive is driving him.

It seems as if he wants the benefits of your relationship, without the boundaries you agreed upon. He had been warned you would not tolerate this behavior. So don't tolerate it, and prepare for a break-up conversation.

 

He had his chance and blew it. Please be firm and break things of. You gave him a second chance on the issue, and he blew it in a matter of days. What do you expect from giving him a third chance?

 

Added:

I need quick advice before he comes back to my place tonight, even though i told him NOT TO and that i needed some space.

 

He is not even respecting your statements. If you say you don't want him to come over and he does come over, that is showing a lack of respect for you and your desires.

 

Hope that it turns out well for you.

[SgtShorty]

Everyone has a "fantasy life" and the web seems to be the place that people exercise it in a pseudo-real way, thinking there are no consequences. I've read somewhere that we reach out for the things we most desire when we are bored, and of that is your boyfriend's excuse.....!!!! That is NOT to say that he does not desire you, but I do think that boredom is equally NOT a great excuse for him to serve up to you. Does boredom or drunkeness (both of which release desires we normally repress) justify certain actions? Would you take that same excuse if he did actually cheat on you? To me, it's a lame excuse, because it's both taking responsibility for something and rejecting responsibilty at the same time. This is perfectly human a response, and it's up to the both of you to come to terms with these ambiguities.

 

Your boyfriend could equally love you and have fantasies outside your relationship, but if he is actively posting, exchanging photos and messages, than I think he has crossed a certain line of an "innocent" fantasy life. It's one thing to look (and even looking can be problematic) but to exchange photos and info. is taking that next step which could lead to the act. How hard and fast would he draw that line when he has a sexy picture? Possibly an address to go to? Sorry to carry out this chain, but you see what I mean? Have you seen his ad? What is he looking for anyways?

 

It sounds like he wants his ego stroked for now, and it seems that if you talk it out (AFTER you take a long, hard look at how happy your truly are in this relationship) you can come to a mutual understanding. So, if you don't wanna let him into the house, you should feel perfectly fine in letting yourself figure out your feelings about the matter.

 

ps - I found my boyfriend on a number of "sex sites" as well. He denied it was for reasons of actively wanting to cheat, but mere curiousity. I'll always wonder. I think that the internet is a weird place for the deepest subconscious of the human mind to come out. But when it is "found" most people do not want that deep, dark place to be a part of their normal lives.

[Artifact]

Am i overreacting here? Even though he swears he's never cheated on me...

 

No, but he has lied to you. He said he was just looking.

 

Be careful, that's all. Relationships cannot be built entirely on love.

[glitter-gal]

I believe that relationships must be built on Love, Trust & Respect... seems to me that yours is lacking in the last 2 departments...

 

My advice is to either fix it or head for the hills... there ARE better men out there I promise!! (I found one)

[SadAndLonely]

Originally posted by klandes

About a week ago i caught my boyfriend on a casual encounters web site. How? well i went into the history browser and found out he was searching all the personals (casual encounters). At that time i was furious and demanded him to show me his email account. He wouldn't.

 

Break up with him or don't, but don't demand to see his email. Everyone is entitled to a certain amount of privacy, and demanding to see his email comes across as very controlling and insecure to me. And it doesn't matter if seeing emails to or from other people would have sealed the deal. Respect his privacy at the very least, or else you have more to worry about than him posting an ad online.

[k_lily]

Let me tell you something about the internet. This may seem ironic, given the format we are writing in, but the computer can be a very dangerous weapon. It is waaaaaaay to impersonal for people to just be diddlying their "bored" nights away on it. Unfortunately I have some experience here that sounds much like your situation.

 

My fiance and I have been together for a year and a half now. Since we met he was always very big into porn, and the whole IMing nation, and chat rooms. Not exactly the most tasteful habits, but it never really bothered me. I had friends online, and he and I watched dirty movies together so I didn't think I had anything to worry about. Now you see, I am a very open minded person but about a year ago, my fiance was telling me about one of his "online friends" and I came to find out that she was the star of her very own website. That's when things started to make me uncomfortable. I didn't think it was a big deal that he visited websites of a certain nature, but I draw the line when I see that he's written comments like "you have a nice p*ssy..."

 

So this all happened, we had it out in a very understanding disagreement in which he cried and demanded that resolve our issues, and I thought it was over and done with. No more than a week later, I'm on OUR computer I find saved messages between he and different women he's chatting with. In these conversations, he was flirting, leaving me out of the picture when they'd hit on him, and even worse telling them what website he had just masterbated to!

I called him at work and again, we had it out, I cried then he cried. Of course, he begged that we resolve our issues (are you beginning to see the pattern). This is what happens with he and I. Sure, I do trust that he would not step out of our relationship and have intercourse with someone, but then where do we draw the line when it comes to respect?

 

Not all men, but a lot of them think the same way your boyfriend and my fiance do. It's this exciting "breaking the rules" mentality that they are born with. Think about it this way, have you ever had sex somewhere you aren't supposed to? Like in your car in a not so empty parking lot? If so, how did it feel? It probably felt unbelievable. Maybe gave you a little knot in your stomach that said "what on earth are you doing!?!" but that only made it all the mor worth it. It's not an excuse, but it's unfortunately the truth.

 

Listen, I know how you are feeling. Probably the smartest thing to do is to make a clean break now. How long have you two been together? I can tell you, the longer you wait the harder it is. But just telling you that would make me a hypocrite, because like I said, I know how you feel and yet I am going to turn around and marry my "problem" this summer. So with that being said....

FIRST, you guys need to sit down and talk. He is testing boundries to an extent. A lot of times, when single men because "relatioship men" there is no defined difference to them. They don't see that they might have to give up some bachelor tendencies. You need to make sure that you are both on the same page about what you expect from each other. SECOND, because a lot of times what they are looking for is excitement, think of things that you two could do together that might intrigue you both without hurting either one in the end. My fiance and I like to send eachother what we call "pervetzines." We find dirty jokes, sex positions, photos...whatever we think the other might like, make it into a silly little email, and send away. That way, if you are both comfortable, he still gets to be a little naughty, except now it's about the two of you as a couple.

Most important though...He only gets one chance, and you must stick to this otherwise you know how the old saying goes..."fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me..."

 

Good Luck, and remember it's worth one more shot because the most you lose now is just time.

[nugirl]

The worst thing that you could do is cheat on him. Two wrongs never equal a right. You need to break up with him. His behavior is unacceptable. There is absolutely no excuse for that. Please, dont fall for that he loves me bull****.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I do it too. I hate it. I hate myself everytime I go into the website and send somone my picture. I don't want to meet anyone - I just want these guys to tell me how great I look - it's an ego thing.

 

Don't let him get away with it. If my ex-hubby put is foot down way back when, it would have been easier to quit.

[klandes]

Well, ofcourse i did give him another chance. If it weren't that now i completely care and love this guy and the 8 months we've been together, i doubt i'd given us another try. For those in a similar situation, I feel i should tell everybody how it turned out - That same day my mind was set in breaking it off, however he would not let it go, he cried and begged for another chance. It was a major help when i posted a similar ad, I thought it was a silly thing to do, but it made me feel 10 times better that he got a dose of his own medicine. He felt the pain and i could see his madness for not being able to scream back at my face.

 

He claimed for forgiveness and gave me many excuses, such as how he feels insecure insecure and needs an ego boost... Obviously, i did not fall for any of these. Until he offered to give me complete access to his voicemail and emails. I thought about it, and i considered it to be a good agreement. After all, if those chicks wanna get in touch with him or viceversa, i'll know about it. I know if he wanted to cheat on me, he could do it at the closest bar and i would not know about it that night, but it might just take a couple of days and i'll prob find out about it, he's horrible at lying and this is how i suspected something else was going on, it was just the way he looked at me. It's been a month now since it happened and yeah i keep a close eye. And he knows it too.

 

We're at that stage in the relationship where we both crossed each others boundaries when it comes in respecting ones privacy. He checks my phone when i go to the bathroom, he's been into my voicemail, my emails and so have i. How far is too far, is this a natural thing to do after one of us fcks up with the trust issue? at the same time it does lessen the stress to just take a quick look.

[invincible summer]

d'Arthez is wise, seems very level headed.

On his porn, this may help you understand what hes doing,check this out :

 

Dr. Glover wrote in NMMNG:

For Nice Guys, sex is where all of their abandonment experiences, toxic shame, and dysfunctional survival mechanisms are focused and magnified.

(...)

I have found Nice Guys to be prone to hidden, compulsive sexual behavior.

(...)

I am not opposed to pornography legally or morally, but I think it is bad for men for several reasons:

• Pornography creates unrealistic expectations of what people should like and what sex should be like.

• Pornography addicts men to bodies and body parts.

• Pornography can easily become a substitute for a real sexual relationship.

• Pornography creates a trance in which men can be sexual while staying distracted from their shame and fear.

• Pornography compounds shame because it is usually hidden and used in secret.

I tell Nice Guys, if you are going to use pornography, do it openly. Doing so tends to break the trance and takes the buzz out of it

 

On the other hand he's doing more than just looking at pictures.And that is scary.

[Annabelle78]

Hi guys, I'm new here, but I found this thread and decided to post mostly because I've been having this exact same problem. My computer went on the fritz this morning and this magic little series of pictures of some girl came up. I don't know who this girl was but I found it was attatched to an email my boyfriend had received. The pictures were very much amateur and very much NUDE. Like they were sent from another user via IM chatting.

 

I'm in a rut though because I almost don't want to call him on it because he'll think I snooped. It's my computer right? I just know down deep that he's doing this because he's insecure just like me. I just don't know what to do and I don't want to dump him, we've been together for 4 years, live together and have been attatched at the hip since day one.

 

I'm not sure dumping him was the best answer to give and freaking out isn't the best either. I mean flipping your top on something thats such a sensitive subject will only put him on the defensive and make things worse.

 

I don't know exactly what the solution is because my boyfriend is now talking about marrying me (finally after 4 years). My problem remains the same. He doesn't realize that I know he's chatting online to all these girls and I recently found out that he's posting up on one of those "rate my..." kind of web sites (it's nothing dirty but it's one of those casual dating type places).

 

This is a really hard thing to deal with and I don't think anyone person has the right answer... but knowing that I'm not the only one going through this makes me feel better.

[RecordProducer]

He might have been just flirting without any intention to cheat on you. You showed him the door and he wants YOU, not those girls. I think you should give him another chance. If he continues to hang on any dating site, you will know that he is a cheater. But not necessarily.

Don't reply the emails. You will only make him feel less guilty. You need to show him an example of how serious you are. Believe me, it works.

[Starnette83]

I reallyu dont understand what men problems are, it seems like we all (women) are going through similar scenarios, and yet we still put up with it because honestly we think theirs nothing better out there and that all men are dogs anyways.

Ok let me share my story, ive been with my bf for 4 years and 4 months or so...i found him in websites when we were together for a year 1/2...this got me so mad, i went crazy, i screamed, cried, broke up, got back..and so on...he never stopped doing this!!! He promissed, said "Im sorry" but eventually i found something new, if it wasnt a new site, it was more pron in his comp, or some flirty message with new girls he had added in hsi instant messenger, as much as i tried to explain to him that what he was doing was mest up and was hurting us, HOENSTLY I DONT THINK THEY GIVE!!! as long as we remain with them , they see it was okay. I personally am having such a hard time with it, i dont know what to do and i think about this constantly like WHY AM I WITH HIM???HES GONNA CHEAT ON ME!, HE DOESNT REALLY LOVE ME, OR DOES HE? basically ive become this self conscious, insecure , girl who doesnt know how to move on!!!

Its really difficult, and i think its true when they say the longer u wait the harder it gets, i dont know when im gonna hit the breaking point and dump him, i guess ive been waiting for a nice guy to come in my life to dump him, but so far no nice guy has come along, but instead even stupider guys. AHHH!!!

 

'it drives me insane, im constantly jealous and the reason for it is because i have this backgrounf with my bf that makes me so insecure, i cant let go of all the things hes done, flirt with girls online, post his picture online, say "I dont know if i love you", check out girls in front of my face, while we are eating at a restaruant or whatever his eyes wandering around. And the worse part is that ive tried making him jealous, but it doesnt work which makes me feel even worse cuz it makes me feel like DANG HE MUST NOT LOVE ME CUZ IF HE DID HE SHOULD GET JEALOUS!..for example today we were watching maury and they were giving this show about is it a man or a woman, and lots of sexy "woman" were on it..he was pretty much checking out one of them , cuz "She" did look really hot...he even said "IF shes a man, hes a hot man"..but in his head he thought she was a woman, so did i, but at the end of the show i crossed my fingers that she was a man, and guess what "SHE" was a MAN!! !HAHAHA...so i teased him about it, but during the whole time of the show i felt so insecure. Then when Andy Roddick came up in a commercial i went "Mmmm" I never done this but i just wanted to see his reaction, all he did was start laughing, and saying HEHEH U think hes hot, and i just smiled. He didnt get jealous at all!! WHAT THE HELL??? i tell him im going to the pool in my dorms and guys hit on me and he doesnt say anything, liek he doesnt care or something!!! anyways as uc an see ive gone insane, i dont know what to do, im scared, im barely 21 and i shouldnt be going through this crap!!!!!!!! i want tog et over him but its just so hard, especially cuz ive been with him for so long and we were eachothers first love.

 

I know im just hurting myself more and more by being with him because i dont feel secure with him, im always thinking "where is he?" when he doesnt pick up his cell, and i always get the urge to snoop in his computer because something just doesnt feel right. When i talk to him about the future he well pretty much sais he doesnt think of marriage...and bla bla and that im too serious and he doesnt want a serious relationship.

And when i broken up with him he doesnt beg for me, he sais "Ok, this is for the best"...so pretty much i feel we are togehter cuz of me, hes just goign with the flow, so its until I GIVE UP that it will be game over, but how will i ever give up? IM SCARED, STUCK and I CANT SEEM TO THINK THEIR IS ANYONE BETTER< im really feeling that all guys are JERKS!!!

[mental_traveller]

Originally posted by klandes

About a week ago i caught my boyfriend on a causal encounters web site. How? well i went into the history browser and found out he was searching all the personals (casual encounters). At that time i was furious and demanded him to show me his email account. He wouldn't - I was so close to break things off, but let it go for the time being since i had no proof. Vindictive self that i am, i posted one and placed my picture, just for the fun of it, and to show him what it feels like, i got hundreds of replies and showed him all of them, but never replied or took any of them seriously.

 

However, last night at 3am I went into his email (the dummass left it open in my computer) and found out he's been sending pictures, receiving them and replying to a few of these posts. I went ballistic, it was horrible... after showing him the screen, i took his jacket and threw it out into the rainy street. I was done, but he wouldn't leave my apartment. His "excuse" was that he only does it when he gets drunk or bored, but swears on anything and everything that he's never met any of these girls. I was cold as ice, i wouldn't turn back to even look at him, he kept declaring his eternal love until he cried and begged me not to break up with him. (the first time i saw him crying) and that was the only reason i felt bad and let him sleep instead of taking the subway for another hour. Or else i would have taken extreme measures as to calling the cops. He's still a bastard and i don't know what i'm gonna do. I know he truly loves me, and i'm mad in love with him... but i can't take the infidelity and he just got too close to it.

 

Am i overreacting here? Even though he swears he's never cheated on me... it's just so hard to believe it now. He was definitely planning on it! Is this reason enough to break things off?

 

I feel like giving him another chance and then doing the same thing he did to me... start replying to all those emails i got... making him feel like crap and then end things off. Or else it wouldn't be even and square.

I need quick advice before he comes back to my place tonight, even though i told him NOT TO and that i needed some space.

 

You're underreacting - in your shoes I would already have kicked him to the curb. If he was genuinely in love with you, then flirting with other women online via a f*cking site would be the last thing on his mind. At the very least, I would break off and have no contact for a month or so, then let him plead and beg and come back to you entirely on your terms. But I wouldn't recommend it - why not go out and find a decent guy who doesn't want to screw around on you?