Eau Claire Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 How old are you? Just curious. These topics never come up in dating. Don't know if its a regional thing or what. But usually people I know here say those ate the things that scare a man off. That's ridiculous. I am an adult. Are you a child? This is an adult subject...having children. Just because you exist in some repressed bubble doesn't mean, as a mature woman, you should be full of anxiety about scaring a man off. If you can't discuss this subject then, please, do not have children. Link to post Share on other sites
Fondue Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 This depends on person to person. SOme might be gooned out by you asking these things "too early," others would like you to approach them sooner than later so that you know where you both stand. I would say if it is IMPORTANT TO YOU, then ask about it when you feel this relationship really has something to it. Like, when you really feel this relationship has "potential." Because you may be on completely opposite sides of the spectrum on this.. And if you bring it up too late, one of you might really get hurt. WIth that said, I would probably be a bit gooned out if you asked me "too early." I think less than 6 months is too early for me. I have been with my GF for over a year and we haven't discussed this. I don't feel pressured into talking about, and I don't think she does either. We just enjoy ourselves as is right now. Link to post Share on other sites
SoonMyFriend Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I think there's merit to both sides here... I am 29, and with everyone I date I think long term. But at the same time, I don't want to rush things. Do I want to get married one day? Yes. Do I want kids someday? No clue. If a guy asked me on the third date if I wanted marriage & kids I wouldn't run away, but I'd be concerned if he wanted those things NOW. I don't see kids anywhere in my near future (i.e. next 5 years). I also don't see marriage within that same timeline. I am leaning more towards the organic - you can discuss these topics, but maybe more generally. If you do have a timeline, then you will need to find someone who is on the same page. But if you can wait for these things, then I'd say keep the conversation casual. Get to know him first. Usually there are other red flags that someone isn't going to commit. For example, he may one day even make a joke like "marriage, YUCK". I had an ex who did just that and from there we discussed marriage and why he didn't like the idea. Same with the idea of babies. He would talk about his nephew and then say "BABIES YUCK" (see a pattern? lol) Sometimes these topics do come up more naturally and don't have to be a forced conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
Blade96 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 (edited) My online bf talked about possibly wanting to marry me shortly into our relationship. (Now don't freak. He's slavic from belarus and early commitment and thinking is in the culture.) I said about 2 weeks into relationship that I don't want any kids. He said he would like to have another, but he didn't run from me. He said he wants me and doesn't want to find a girl who wants to have kids. he said well I already have the prettiest little daughter, but no wife. So yeah. I brought it up pretty early in online relationship. Just ask him if he pictures himself as a father - in the future. Don't say soon or anytime soon. That might scare him off. If he says yes, then say you picture yourself with kids too. then you know you have a keeper. Edited July 30, 2014 by Blade96 Link to post Share on other sites
FitnessRN Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I brought up children with my current gf on our 4th or 5th date. We went bowling, just before she took a shot I said 'Do you want kids?' Apart from the (deliberate) sheer awkwardness of it, a conversation ensued and we got to ascertain each other's needs / expectations - the conversation opened up to marriage etc whilst still being quite fun / playful. If you have that sort of chemistry / demeanour available with him, it can be a good way to bring it up. If a girl said that to me on the 4th date...I'm planning my escape plan or if I want to be friends with her, causing her to break up with me! Link to post Share on other sites
torturedartist Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I have been dating a guy since early June. He's 27. I'm a few years older. I know 100% I want marriage and kids. At what point can I ask if he wants the same? And how do I bring it up without sounding marriage or baby crazy? Do you want marriage? Are you baby crazy? If so, let him know right now. It will save both you and him time when the truth comes out and he finds out. Either he'll be on board, or he won't. Either your lives will continue together, because you both feel the same about these extremely fundamental issues, or you'll get on track towards finding people who feel the same way that each of you do. If you don't like that suggestion, my suggestion is that you pretend to be on birth control, but really aren't. Get knocked up, then have him marry you because that's the right thing for him to do. It worked for the girlfriend of my BF, who I happen to think is the most despicable homo sapien on the face of this earth. The girlfriend of my BF, that is. She's a piece of genetic waste. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 They have been intimate, sex a few times a week but never any expression of life expectations? This is not healthy. I agree. Every guy I've been involved with has made his intentions perfectly clear from the get-go. Those who just wanted something light and fun made that clear. Those who wanted a serious relationship leading to marriage and a family also made that clear, usually within the first few dates. Discussing the fact that you want marriage and a family doesn't mean you necessarily want it with that person - just that you want it in general. I've never brought it up. The guy always does. If he doesn't bring it up at all, he's not thinking about it, and there's your answer. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I struggle with my libido.. it's like the energizer bunny. Something is wrong with it I think. Perhaps start a thread on it in the sexual health section. You would be surprised how common issues are. Link to post Share on other sites
Eau Claire Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 If a girl said that to me on the 4th date...I'm planning my escape plan or if I want to be friends with her, causing her to break up with me! That's good because she will learn early on that you are not a suitable partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FitnessRN Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 That's good because she will learn early on that you are not a suitable partner. Guess what...that's called rushing, and dating 101 basically is you shouldn't even bring up kids that early. Rushing is bad! Link to post Share on other sites
Dork Vader Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Well for starters this is something that is important. That said when you bring this up is entirely dependent on how serious the relationship is. Time lines mean nothing to me. It is entirely based on the emotional involvement of both parties. Nothing else.. You don't want to wait to long. If you do you'll be heavily invested emotionally and if you find out he is on a different page you'll be putting yourself through a lot of pain. Like wise if you do it to early you can push them away. Especially if you come off as wanting it now.. You should be at the exclusivity stage of dating. You'll know when the time is right. The fact that it's on your mind says a lot.. That said how do you best approach this subject.. It's fairly simple.. Have a casual conversation about it. I tend to broach the subject by asking what their long term goals are in life.. I'll steer the conversation towards marriage and family. I want a family and kids some day. My response is typically I like the idea of having kids, getting married and so on.. But to the right person and when the time is right. If he says no and no you have your answer. Could he change his mind possible but unlikely. The only times I have been turned off by this conversation are.. They say things like I'd like to have a kid with you. I'd like to get married NOW. They make it seem like a NOW or they are rushing.. You don't want to put pressure on him. You just want to find out if you're wasting your time. Link to post Share on other sites
Priv Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 This is why I avoid (for the most part), the 33-35 bracket. Not that there is anything wrong with women in that bracket, but most of the dates I go on sound more like a job interview than having a good time getting to know each other. I get it, you'd want to know early on and I don't blame you, but it's also off-putting when you are trying to get to know someone and 15 minutes into the second date, you get asked about kids/marriage. Now the date is onto "filter" mode where you just buzzkill everything. It's a Catch 22. You don't want to wait too long to find out, but you also don't want to put pressure on. Whenever I feel like I am asked "too soon", I just shut down. There's no need for ME to rush, but I completely understand why other people would. I think the delivery of the question is equally as important. You can tell when someone is asking to gain knowledge of the situation versus when someone is asking because the "expiration date" is coming soon. Good luck. Yep, same here. I find it very off putting, even though I want those things too. Especially when they are asked in some manipulative manner in the sense that she does not lay her cards on the table first. And the question of death... how soon would you ideally like to be married/have kids. Honest answer for me now atm would be somewhere in the 2-3 year bracket. Which I think is totally reasonable. Not that I am going to give that answer with that line of questioning. I just say whenever I am very very very sure of someone. And there goes the night...... Link to post Share on other sites
Priv Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I've never brought it up. The guy always does. If he doesn't bring it up at all, he's not thinking about it, and there's your answer. I find this an incredible overgeneralization and faulty way of thinking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Honest answer for me now atm would be somewhere in the 2-3 year bracket. Which I think is totally reasonable. Not that I am going to give that answer with that line of questioning. I just say whenever I am very very very sure of someone Given that you know your answer to this question, why does it bother you so much to be asked? Surely you think it's reasonable that a girl not waste her time on you if you have any definite long term incompatibility? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Priv Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Given that you know your answer to this question, why does it bother you so much to be asked? Surely you think it's reasonable that a girl not waste her time on you if you have any definite long term incompatibility? Yes I thought about it while writing my last post Because the question of when makes me feel pressured, cheap, and used. And whatever answer I will give is by no means a promise for the future (since how should I know how things evolve) but will surely be understood that way. We (or at least I) are talking about asking those questions in the beginning of dating. When actually being with someone over the course of say half a year this ofcourse is a non issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 Because the question of when makes me feel pressured, cheap, and used. And whatever answer I will give is by no means a promise for the future (since how should I know how things evolve) but will surely be understood that way. If it was phrased a different way (but still early on) could that feeling be avoided? Not trying to trip you up or anything here, I just think that if it could then your feedback could be genuinely useful to a lot of girls who want to know how to ask this stuff without setting alarm bells off. Link to post Share on other sites
Priv Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 If it was phrased a different way (but still early on) could that feeling be avoided? Not trying to trip you up or anything here, I just think that if it could then your feedback could be genuinely useful to a lot of girls who want to know how to ask this stuff without setting alarm bells off. Like I said earlier I don't get all too bothered with the question of do you want marriage/kids. Maybe a bit, but nothing serious. But these questions have sometimes be accompanied by a when. I find that an inappropriate question to be asked early in dating and see my post above how that question makes me feel. But that question is fine when I am really into someone, that's why the 6 month mark (which is just a random timetable). I than take it as a compliment, as in 'she is imagining a future with me'. But I don't think however way you will phrase the question of when will avoid me feeling that way. If anything, being really careful about it and beating around the bush would probably put me in defensive mode more. It reeks of manipulation and like Diezel said; the date turns into filter mode/job interview. I am a big fan of just laying your cards on the table and just get it out of the way. That is also why I didn't agree with Ruby Slippers that a man should bring it up or come to some werid conclusion about it when he does not bring it up. I will bring it up and probably be the first to start fantasizing with you about the 'what ifs', but not in the dating phase. I just met you, ofcourse marriage/children isn't something I am thinking about. But being written of for not bringing it up early is out of this world. As a man I am on a different timetable. In what world does that make it the man's responsibility to bring these questions up, its the woman's prerogative. But tbh, the last time those questions came up were 2.5-3 years ago. Since than I was in a RS and haven't dated after the end of it yet. Link to post Share on other sites
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