I want my best friend *spoiler, long ass post*

[Pusherlovegirl]

I apologize in advanced for the long post (although I figure we're all here because we obviously have some spare time) I'll try to shorten my story as much as possible. Everything is kinda tangled and awkward, so try to be open-minded. Even if you have nothing to say, it's still good reading.

 

My friend (let's call him John) and I met during our freshman year at college about 8 years ago. We took a class together and became good buds. John, a friend of mine, some other guy (my now ex boyfriend, let's call him Carl) and I would sometimes go out for lunch after class but didn't really stay in touch after the semester ended. I dated Carl for nearly a year. He was my first boyfriend, my first everything. I loved him. We took different paths. The end.

 

The autumn after Carl exited my life, John and I coincided in another class at college. We became best friends.

 

John and I started hanging out all the time. We would go out for lunch after class, he would bring me coffee in the morning during class, he would call me at 11pm after his soccer practice to see if I wanted to get some ice cream. He paid everything for me. We lived very close from each other so it was easy to see him often. He took me to my first job interview (which I got). I would come back at 3 am from a party completely wasted and I'd call him to go over his place. We would stay in his car listening to our favorite band, drinking some scotch, singing or just sitting there in complete silent, simply enjoying the moment for hours and hours. We would be hanging out at his living room and I would start moving my shoulders around, he'd be like "oh you want a massage?" he would give me a massage... but it never went further than that.

 

For few months we were like this. I didn't have the confidence and self-esteem I have now, so I never took that first step. Neither did he.

 

One day he asked me a question. He said "Hey, I have this friend from work. Her birthday is coming soon. I was planning on giving her a gift card for like a SPA session or something, you think she'd like it?"

 

I ****ing cringed.

 

"Sure. It's a great gift. I'm sure she'd love it"

 

All of this was years ago. I won't write everything in detail, these are just key moments that stayed with me after all of this time.

 

Months passed and we didn't hang out as much as we used to. One day he invited me over Thanksgiving with his family and I got really excited. When I arrived there he greeted me with a big bear hug as I was getting out of my car and walked into his house with me (not holding my hand or anything) I entered and I noticed a lot of people, including some of his friends from childhood and, ahem, from work...

 

I get introduced to everybody when suddenly I face this chick shorter than me. Same ethnicity as me (not an exotic hottie one like brazilian or swedish one, don't get any ideas, pervs), hair length, color and style. The moment we locked eyes, I just knew it. I knew she was the co-worker he was talking about. And as sad as it was, I knew something was going on already between them. I don't want to sound superficial or anything, but my pride was hurt because I am better looking than her. She is short and chubby. I know at the end of the day it doesn't matter, but I couldn't help feeling so jealous.

 

Dinner was lovely and everything. Time passed by and John and I would see each other once or twice a month. The next year during the middle of it, I got a message on myspace from her (let's call her Susie) inviting me to John's surprise 21st bday party "John's mom and I are planning it and are inviting his friends. You should come"

 

I get there 2 hours late and I stumble upon a drunk John and his drunk friends. "So, were you surprised?" I asked, and all his friends started screaming "NOOOOO!!!" John started laughing. I have ruined the whole surprise that Susie had planned. I swear it was unintentional, I was two ****ing hours late. Anyway, moving on.

 

I never knew if John told Susie about it. I just remember having dinner at the restaurant/club and seeing John dancing with Susie. I left home and didn't dance one song.

 

Time passed by and I would hang out with John every two or three months. Each one of those times we would behave like back in the day. Playing with each other laughing, touching, tickling, bowling. They were full of joy and sadness at the same time. Joy because of the moment itself, and sadness because I knew he was with her. Yet we never spoke about it. He would never mention her. I just knew they were together.

 

I started dating other people. Again, I would see him every month or so. We would talk about work, school, life, the guy I was seeing atm. Still, he would never mention Susie.

 

One day we went for a coffee, and I noticed he was kind of unsteady. I asked what was wrong. He told me the story of how Susie's ex-boyfriend was stalking her and how she had to get a restriction order because he busted couple of windows from her car. That she was dealing with all of this bull****, yadda yadda. I then told myself "Yupp. I am officially friendzoned"

 

A year went by and I get a message from him on my birthday:

 

"I broke up with Susie. Feeling kind of weird right now. Sorry I can't make it. I'll take you out to dinner or something. Happy Birthday, L" (he calls me by my first name's initial)

 

The following weeks we started hanging out again. Not everyday like before, but at least twice a week or so. One night he asked what I was doing that night and I said I was having a glass of wine. I asked him to come over. My brother, his friend and I were at the balcony from my house, when I see John approaching towards us. He jumps into the balcony and says hi. I offer him a glass of wine, he says no. 5 minutes later he says he has to go and the way that he got in, he gets out. By jumping off from the balcony into the sidewalk.

 

My reaction is "wtf?" when my brother's friend says "maybe he wanted to be alone with you".

 

I never texted him asking him what was wrong. Again, I was a chicken **** back in the day.

 

Very bad things happened and I suddenly had to go back to my country for 9 ****ing months.

 

I come back and he is one of the first people that I call. Once again, chemistry the size of Jupiter between us. I don't know what was going on with his life because we didn't stay in touch that much while I was gone. All I knew is that the spark was still there. I saw him few more times, flirty as always. He never mentioned anything.

 

I find out through a friend that he was back with Susie. I never knew when or how because John and I never spoke about her. We would still hang out every month or so, this time I was back living with my parents. He would come to my parents house during the night and we would stay up in my room until 2 am or so, just watching movies or a comedy stand up show. Laughing, cuddling. BUT NOTHING ELSE EVER HAPPENED.

 

The times we would hang out weren't so often. Still, they'd be really sweet and fun. Each time we would say goodbye I felt like someone was punching me in the stomach. I knew he was with her. She then moved to another city for school (she's like 3 years younger than me) and I kind of started noticing a pattern. John would become weird once she was back in town. He'd be at my place hanging out and he'd get a call from her and say "I'm with a friend" he'd never mentioned me.

 

Why? I mean, at the end of the day, we were just friends, right?

 

John and I started to talk more about her and he started to complain about her and how needy she was. How he wasn't sure he wanted to be with her. They would break up, he would call me to hang out, they would get back together. It happened a couple of times. I started to get kind of tired. I told myself many different things "maybe he really has no clue that I am into him and he really is not into me at all whatsoever. I need to move on" and something like "I wouldn't be happy if I had a boyfriend and his friend who is better looking than me and it's really close to him but I have spoken to maybe two times in my life, is hanging out with him at 2 am, all by themselves in her room just watching movies."

 

I convinced myself nothing would ever happened. I would appreciate the times we would have together and I would ignore all possible feelings.

 

Let me just say that during all of this time, I've had different boyfriends that John has never happened to met. I was never "waiting for him" I've always been open for any possibilities.

 

This is where the story gets totally creepy and messed up.

 

I was at work one day when a co-worker (Chris) with a very unhealthy appearance asks where I went to high school. We start talking about the area I used to live some years ago, and it happened to be that Chris and Tim (his brother who worked there as well) were from the same county as John and I.

 

Chris was a very sweet guy. A drug addict nonetheless, but Tim was driving him back and forth keeping an eye on him. He got the job for him and Chris was doing well. He had been at that place for nearly a year now.

 

We start talking about people we might have in common when I ask him if he knew John.

 

"JOHN?? I ****ING HATE THAT GUY! If I had a gun with me right now I'd ****ing shoot him"

 

Little did I ****ing know that Chris, was Susie's psycho ex-boyfriend, John told me about years ago.

 

My jaw dropped. When I told Chris I was one of John's closest friends, he apologized and said he just hated him because he got together with the girl he loved. Minutes later into the conversation, Chris is just spitting out the whole story to me. He tells me how Susie was doing drugs with him and got pregnant and got an abortion and pregnant again while she was with John but still with him, as well. So he want ballistic and smashed her windows and called her house and treated to kill all of her family. I was in remote silent. I didn't know neither of these people, I only knew John, and I trusted John more than these two. I felt sick and drove him with a million thoughts in my head. "What if he doesn't know? it wouldn't make a change, it's been too long, get over it. You are not part of his life and this is none of your business"

 

Few days later, I was chatting with John and told him Chris was my co worker. I didn't mention anything else. The day after I get a text from an unknown number "Hey L__, it's Susie, John told me you met Chris. Can we meet tomorrow?"

 

I had planned a camping trip and John was going to let me use some of his gear, so Susie and I accorded to meet over John's work place on my way to my trip.

 

She asked me in front of John what Chris have said, I only told her he was surprised when I mentioned John and that he wants to kill him. I told her that I took it as a joke. She then sort of freaked out on me and told me I should tell my manager he was a bad person and that he should fire him, or that I should call the police and tell them what he said about John. She was kind of aggressive when she was saying this, I looked over at John but he looked away and never said a word. I let her finish what she had to say, and told her I was not going to do any of that ****. Who was I to call out somebody who was been nothing but nice to me and has been really trying to keep himself clean and has been performing well at work and with his peers?

 

She looked at me and said "Ok"

 

Something died that day. I was disappointed at John and I didn't know exactly why.

 

I grew really close to Chris brother and his friend, Rob. I started dating Rob and all the boys would tell me I reminded them of Susie but in a hot version and this would ****ing bother me a lot. They would tell me all the stories of the things she did; drugs, showed boobs to all of them, bad girl kind of stuff. I never told anybody any of this.

 

John and I kind of stopped seeing each other after this (this was 2 years ago) him and Susie have been on and off and we still go back to the same thing whenever we hang out. Touchy, flirty, "I love you, let's hug for a long time and wrestle for a little bit so I can feel you closer" type of thing.

 

Yes, they've been on and off for over 5 years now. I'm not seeing anybody at the moment and I know she is not in town right now. He's been liking my pictures at 1 am and started a game on words with friends. I know it's stupid, but why won't he talk to me??

 

We have never said anything to each other. I know there is an attraction, and years ago I used to respect him because of our friendship and his relationship with her. But I have had this thingy inside of me for years that I can't get out of my system. I want him so bad. I don't even care about damaging our friendship anymore because it's basically non-existent!

 

During all of this time, I've never made a move because I believe in karma. I don't want to do something to someone I wouldn't like having it done to me, meaning sleeping with somebody's boyfriend.

 

I WANT HIM.

 

As ridiculous as it sounds, my question after all of this long as story, is the same one that everybody comes here to ask... should I go for it?

[Tbisb74]

Warning, short post:

No.

[todreaminblue]

Let ti go ...i read your whole post and had to re read parts because i got so confused at all the drama....so i can imagine what it must do to you...let it go and find someone to date who isnt involved in this scene that doesnt have repercussions written all over it.....deb